A/N: Thanks to kookygurl82, xxBloodAngelxx, tweekers, Doghanyou3693, Enigmus, and Talez for reviewing the last chapter (and also LuvKyleAndStan for reviewing another chapter). And as usual, thanks to everyone else for reading, alerting, and favoriting this story! I should have the next chapter up a little sooner.
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Wednesday, May 11
Dear Journal,
I'm so, so confused right now.
I went to Stan's house the other night to confront him about everything. And I certainly did that, but things turned out way differently than I thought they were going to turn out. I questioned him about the way he's been acting and why he's been such an asshole to me, and he apologized for everything. And everything was going great; he seemed sincere, we were starting to make amends, and then…he kissed me.
And I don't know why.
Of course, the most obvious reason that would come to mind is that Stan maybe has some kind of…gay thing for me, but when I go over that possibility in my mind, it just doesn't make any sense at all! For one thing, I know for a fact that he likes girls way too much to want to go to the other side. Sometimes he even puts Kenny to shame with the amount of girls he'll go out with in a week. And another thing is that even if he was gay, I know he wouldn't want me of all people! We've been best friends for so many years. He wouldn't think of me like that. We may have been close for a really long time, and we may have gotten the occasional "fag" comment from Cartman, but that doesn't mean it's true! We could never see each other that way. I'm not usually that great at telling those kinds of things, but I know I'm right on this one.
So now I have to come up with a less obvious explanation.
I've been trying to analyze this over the past couple of days, and I feel like I'm getting nowhere. It was just so unexpected. But thinking back, he did say in his apology that stuff's been going on lately that's screwing with his head, so could that have anything to do with it?
But what's going on that's messing him up so much? I wish he had told me. Hmm, maybe his parents have been fighting a lot lately or something. They do that sometimes. Or maybe he's having trouble at school. That wouldn't cause him to act like this, though. I mean, I don't know. I have no clue. But whatever it is, I think it's making Stan depressed—it makes perfect sense. That's why he's lashing out at others, and I guess that means he must also be lacking attention and affection, which, of course, he sought from me the other night…oh Jesus. I don't even like thinking about it. Anyway, it's causing him to behave erratically to say the least, which is why he didn't realize that I'm supposed to be his friend, and kissing me would be totally weird.
Okay, so I'm no psychologist. I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. And I don't really know why Stan does the things he does, but making at least some kind of sense out of it helps me feel a little better. It really freaked me out when he did that. I can't even face him now. And I feel terrible about that because he obviously is having a lot of problems, and I know he needs me to be there for him, but I just can't do it right now. And I don't know when I will be able to talk to him…just not any time soon.
I don't really feel like talking to anyone right now…I'm too busy contemplating. I even feel awkward around Wendy now, too. It sounds crazy, but I feel like I cheated on her or something by letting Stan kiss me. I mean, I know I didn't have any control of the situation (though I might have if I had had any idea of what was going to happen, but unfortunately that wasn't the case at all), but still, another person kissed me that wasn't her, and that makes me very uncomfortable. What makes it worse is that I know that I can't tell her anything about what happened, and I hate to start hiding things from her.
It's a very strange feeling being kissed by a guy. I never thought it would ever happen to me, but I guess there's a first time for everything. It wasn't anything like having Wendy kiss me. When she kisses me, her lips are really soft and taste like cherry lip gloss, and when Stan kissed me, it was just…aggressive and uh, non-cherry-tasting, at least from what I could tell from the split second it happened. But oh God! Why am I even analyzing this?! All I can really say from this whole experience is that it has to be one of the most surreal things to have happened to me, and I've had a lot of crazy shit happen to me in this town. It was just so, so surprising, and I'm generally cool with surprises, but not this time. I wish it hadn't happened. Stan and I were just about to get things back on track, but now I see that we have a long way to go and even more things to fix. I hope we can work things out, but I don't know.
We'll see in the future, but for right now, all I want to do is to be alone.
And think.