Chapter 26: Confidences
Intoxicated by the drawing timbre of his voice, Marian reached out and tenderly stroked his hair out of his eyes. In the process, her fingers lingered on his bare collarbone, which had become very pronounced from the stress and malnourishment of the preceding months. Severus pressed his lips together to keep from sighing in ecstasy. Marian ran her forefinger lightly back and forth, mesmerized by the small amount of pale skin revealed by the loose neckline of his shirt. He allowed her to touch him for a while, fighting arousal and the overpowering urge to touch her in return. After a few minutes, he tentatively reached out and slid his hand up the length of her arm and cupped her shoulder, gently resting his hand there. His long-awaited reciprocal touch emboldened Marian to ask a question that she had been wondering about for some time, and most especially after he had admitted to wanting to use the Resurrection Stone.
"Severus, can I ask you something?" she asked shyly, "Is it true what Dumbledore said, that you have been protecting Harry for his mother's sake?"
Severus shot her a speculative glance and nodded. He appeared to consider his next words carefully, "Yes. I thought I loved her once…she never loved me. But I can hardly blame her for that. Marian, I never told you why I became a Death Eater, or why I changed sides, and you had the good manners not to ask.
"Any amateur psychologist could explain why I enlisted—power, forbidden knowledge, sponsorship, a sense of belonging….There were many reasons, all of them unworthy. I committed many sins as a Death Eater, but two stand out from the rest as unforgiveable. Until you, I have had only two friends, and I caused both of their deaths."
Marian looked as though she wanted to protest that killing Dumbledore shouldn't count, but Severus forestalled her, shooting her a quelling glance and spasmodically squeezing her upper arm, although she found the pressure of his hand gentle and by no means unpleasant.
"I know that you want to argue," he continued, "but you are determined to think the best, even when all evidence points against me. But perhaps you will rethink your position once I confess about Lily Potter….You see, I was the one that related the prophecy about her son to the Dark Lord, and she and her husband were murdered for it."
"My dear, I know. I was eavesdropping on Harry when he found out," Marian murmured comfortingly, "But you did everything you could to avert the tragedy, and have paid for your sin long enough."
He took a deep breath, clearly not expecting this development. "How can you still think well of me, when you have learned so many of my terrible secrets?" he asked her pointblank.
Filled with pity and exasperation, Marian took hold of his left arm and yanked up the sleeve, exposing his Dark Mark. He flinched away, but she placed her hand over the blackened skin and looked him in the eye, willing him to understand. "Severus," she replied softly, "I've known that you bore this mark since the first time I saw you. I'm not a fool—I realized at once what it meant. I didn't know what skeletons lurked in your closet, but I knew that you must have them. There had to be something that you were ashamed of—after all, you had changed sides and repudiated your old ways.
"But at that first Order meeting, tell me how I could have been repulsed by the man that stood up in front of everyone to relate the information he had endured torture to discover, only to be met with mockery and distrust for his efforts. A man brave enough, clever enough to deceive the Dark Lord—an honorable man, one that had done evil, but had changed his life."
"How could you ever trust me? Didn't you have questions? Didn't you ever wonder how many people I had killed?" he asked suddenly, brutally.
"I just told you why I trust you! And you may keep your secrets if you like. I don't need to know what you did—it is enough that you are ashamed of it now. You don't have to work for my loyalty or respect; you already have it.
"But if it makes you feel any better to unburden yourself, then fine. Tell me, Severus. How many people have you killed? I'm guessing one. Judging from your reaction when Dumbledore forced you to kill him, that was the first time you took a life. Besides, if you were going to commit murder, there's no doubt in my mind that Sirius Black would have been first on your list. Since he's still going strong, it's clear to me that you were never all bad. Ambitious? Yes. Machiavellian? I'm sure. But not a murderer," Marian stated in her most practical voice.
He deflated at once. "I have only directly killed one person. But the information I gave led to the death of Lily and her husband. Also, I invented lethal spells and potions for the Death Eaters, so there is no telling how many deaths I am indirectly responsible for," he declared glumly.
Marian made no answer, but pulled his sleeve back into place and began rubbing small circles on his upper arm and back.
A sudden thought occurred to him, and he asked carefully, "Are you afraid of me?"
She was taken aback by the question, and by the strange earnestness of his gaze. Answering honestly, Marian replied, "No. All powerful people are inherently dangerous, but you're a moral man. I can appreciate that others find you intimidating, but I trust you too much to feel that way. I believe that people make mistakes, and that no one is perfect or completely trustworthy—I don't even trust myself, when it comes to certain areas. Sometimes it's wiser to avoid temptation altogether….But all things being equal, I would rather throw myself on a sharp knife than a dull one."
Her gaze softened as she added, "But in this case all things are not equal. You have no equal."
Marian was surprised by his response. His eyes regarded her warmly, but there was something slightly tensed and hunched about his posture. Marian realized that his self-recrimination ran so deeply that even her supportive words failed to completely drag him out of his guilt-fueled depression.
"What else do you want to know?" he asked moodily, as if he hadn't heard her, although she knew perfectly well that he had—had listened intently, in fact. Perhaps it would take some time for him to get used to the idea that someone found value in him and liked him best.
Severus was giving her carte blanche to ask whatever she liked, but she could tell that his offer was prompted more by some sort of masochistic impulse to warn her away rather than by actual faith in her continued loyalty. She had all sorts of questions for him. Marian was curious by nature, and especially curious when it came to Severus, the object of most of her thoughts. But she wouldn't pry—especially not while he was vulnerable and unhappy.
"Severus, I didn't come here to make you relive your worst memories. You don't owe me a confession. I don't care what you did in the past. That was another life, and you have paid for your crimes a thousand times over by sacrificing your dreams and your independence to undo the evil you caused when you were young and foolish. No matter what rumors I hear about you down the road, I will not think worse of you. You have all my trust, and all my loyalty," Marian answered staunchly.
As she spoke, an indecipherable look came into his eyes, a light that hadn't been there before. She had the curious sense that she had passed some sort of unspoken test, a test he hadn't been aware he had handed out until she returned it with the correct answers.
"I did not know there were women like you," he said, overwhelmed with her generous gesture, "I thought women were all inquisitive, and would never rest until they ferreted out every secret shame."
Marian smiled sardonically and answered, "I'm as nosy as the next woman. And don't take my lack of questions in regard to your misdeeds as an indication that I'm not interested in you, because that would be completely off-base. It's just that, well, you're an unusual man—a noble man, and I find myself trying to be worthy of you. I don't want to make you uncomfortable or shake your trust in me."
"You are a wonderful girl," he purred in admiration, "but you do not need to walk on eggshells with me. If you ever want to know something, I would like to satisfy you."
Marian colored at his double entendre and said, "Very well, I will ask you about something. Tell me about Lily Potter—er, Evans."
"It's alright. There is nothing wrong with accuracy. Potter was the name she chose for herself," he said pragmatically, "I presume you wish to know about my association with her," he commented, but it wasn't really a question. Marian nodded anyway.
"We were friends growing up, and she was my only friend for many years, until in my early teens I began associating with older students in my House. I thought they wanted my friendship, but they only wished to use me for my academic skills. I was attracted to Lily, but she objected to my companions, while she befriended the Marauders and openly flirted with my worst enemy. In spite of everything, I was in love with her. But one day, we had a fight and I called her something unforgiveable….She severed ties with me after that, and treated me like a stranger when I met her in the halls. I begged for her forgiveness, but she was inexorable.
"I left school and was recruited to the Death Eaters. I thought that I was being highly honored because I was the only half-blood to receive the Mark—you see what a little fool I was. With the Dark Lord's sponsorship, I was able to study under Nicholas Flamel, the greatest Potions Master alive at the time. He and Dumbledore were great friends and before I graduated, Slughorn asked him to send the alchemist a letter recommending me. Dumbledore claimed that he forgot to do it…but that is a story for another day.
"Anyway, while I was abroad, I wrote Lily letters. She never returned them. I later discovered that she had married Potter directly after leaving school. When I came back to England, I reentered the Dark Lord's service, and it was then that I overheard the prophecy and repeated it to my master.
"To my horror, the Dark Lord interpreted the wording to mean Lily's child, and targeted her and her family. I approached Dumbledore and told him that I would do anything. And so I became a double agent….But I failed—she died anyway. Afterwards, Dumbledore extracted my promise that I would always watch over her son—even though he turned out far more like his father than Lily."
"Do you love her still?" she asked in an odd tone, fixing him with a penetrating stare.
Severus looked up at her with a vulnerable, startled gaze, but replied slowly in soft, pensive tones, "No, I…Marian, I was a fool. I haven't loved her for a long time—I'm not sure I really ever did. I found it hard to let her go, because of my culpability in her death…and because there was no one else….I have let guilt and a disappointed, one-sided love poison my whole life….But everything is different now. That old infatuation is like a faint shadow buried far in the back of my mind…."
Having a sly and subtle nature, Severus often didn't come right out and say what he meant, and so to make a point indirectly, he said next, "I had inadvertently revealed my feelings to the Dark Lord when I was forced to go to him to beg for her life—in vain, as it turned out. But he never would have known I cared otherwise. Lately, he seems to have realized that I no longer carry a torch for her. The other day he offered to find me a wife…or a mistress….He mentioned you specifically. He seemed to think it would please me to acquire you."
Marian was dying to ask, "Well, would it?" but refrained. She didn't want to suffer the disappointment of hearing him repeat that they 'couldn't do this'. She could be as indirect as Severus when the occasion called for it, and so she decided that as long as his behavior betrayed his interest in her, she wouldn't give him the opportunity to voice any denials….She had finally gotten savvy. So, deciding to flank him rather than charge head-on, she articulated the other question that had immediately leapt to her mind.
"And after you rejected me, who did he suggest you marry then?" she demanded jealously.
He eyed her curiously and answered offhandedly, "It was you or no one….I did not think that you would take kindly to being compelled to marry…and I knew that your feelings on being a mistress would be somewhat stronger."
"Be that as it may," she replied with dignity, "No woman likes to be rejected."
"That was hardly what it was," he answered in amused exasperation, "So stop sulking."
"It wasn't?" she asked hopefully, but then added archly, "I'm wondering whether you objected to the nature of the offer or just the terms of the offer….I'm curious as to what would have happened had he offered you someone else—someone beautiful…like Bellatrix LeStrange."
Severus scoffed in incredulity. "Marian, she's already married," Severus answered, and then, when he saw that she still looked at him with a raised eyebrow, he groaned and added, "I have no desire to look into a woman's eyes and see madness and evil. To me she isn't beautiful—has never been beautiful. I knew what she was like even as a child. I would rather make love to a rabid, feral cat than I would that dreadful harpy."
"Ordinarily, if someone said that, I would take it as 'no, I don't have feelings for Bellatrix'-but you're a wizard, Severus. I suppose that if you wanted a jungle cat, you could find a way to make that work…" she trailed off, with a naughty sparkle in her eyes.
For a moment, Severus stared at her, drinking in the sight of her impudent little face shining up at him in mirth from one of his own pillows. His heart leapt with joy, and it suddenly occurred to him that he had a new Patronus memory—his were weak, and all too few. He had always mastered most spells with ease, but had found casting a Patronus incredibly difficult, especially as he grew older, and found that most of his formerly happy memories had become inextricably linked to tragic ones.
But even if he hadn't ever had much to be happy about, he possessed talent and self-discipline in spades. Those had eventually sufficed for even this tricky little spell. When he had finally seen the silver doe erupt from the tip of his wand, he had felt vindicated, thinking it was a sign that he and Lily were meant to be together, since she also had a doe Patronus. But then she had married Potter, which gave Severus another reason besides its incredible difficulty to avoid casting that particular spell. He tried to keep his Patronus to himself to avoid humiliation. Especially once he found out that Potter's form was a stag. That had stung. And then he had done a bit of reading on Patroni. He discovered that, although a Patronus change indicates a powerful, all-consuming love, an imitative first Patronus often denotes immaturity. His discovery had made him feel even more unworthy and ashamed.
But Marian had never made him feel that way. She had never despised him or wavered in her loyalty, although he had long expected to suffer disappointment through her—and his suspicion had caused most of their problems. He knew that she had a fondness for him, although he doubted that her feelings matched his, but in the meantime, he was absolutely starving for affection, and he needed her—needed whatever of herself she was able to give.
"That is enough chatter, you cheeky little vixen," Severus said starchily.
Marian laughed softly in answer and draped her arm across his waist, lightly covering his back with her hand. In their loose embrace, Severus eventually slept. Marian watched over him languidly, noticing with satisfaction that his rest seemed to be peaceful. Once he gave a gentle sigh, and her eyes lingered on his Cupid's bow lips, so innocent-looking when they weren't curled in sarcasm or disapproval. The black circles around his eyes alarmed her, for they showed up noticeably against his ashen skin. Her gaze roamed over him for hours, and she contemplated him as though he was a glorious piece of art, a fascinating mystery.
Eventually, she rested herself, and in sleep, the two of them clung to each other even more closely. When the rising sun poured through the windows, Marian woke briefly, to see Severus' dark eyes on her face, and to feel his warm arms cradling her. Realizing that he was alert, she felt a stab of dismay that he was about to rise and that she would lose him. Marian tightened her hold spasmodically, shamelessly wrapping her arms around him and burying her head in the crook of his neck.
He groaned, but murmured, "Marian, I-"
"No, Severus. It's still early. Go back to sleep. Besides, it's poor form to leave the bed before the lady is finished with you," Marian remarked sleepily. Her sluggish mind intended the last comment to be humorous, but it came out far more provocative than she had expected.
His nostrils flared in answer and his tongue unconsciously darted out to wet his lips. "Then I will hurry back," he managed, delicately extricating himself from her soft, pliant limbs and heading for the lavatory.
He was as good as his word, and moments later slipped back beneath the sheets, before deftly lifting his wand from the nightstand to quickly close the curtains with a muttered spell. He lay down and pulled her into his arms, where she snuggled against him, caged by his lean, powerful arms, and her back pressed against his chest. "Merry Christmas," she sighed happily.
"Over here, it is customary to say 'Happy' Christmas," Severus replied sardonically.
"Now who's being cheeky?" she remarked humorously.
Severus gave a soft snort of amusement and she reached one hand behind her and gently entangled it in his hair. Marian loved being held by him. She had never felt so safe, so protected, or so relaxed. She opened her mouth and told him so. Severus shivered and said, "You must not say such things, Marian. Surely you realize the effect you have on me. After all, I am only a man, and you are putting quite a strain on my willpower."
"But you're strong—stronger than iron, stronger than steel," she mumbled playfully, basking in his hold.
Severus groaned again and tossed his head back. "Stop saying things like that! You will undo me," he growled.
"It seems like there is quite a list of things I must not say," Marian purred, nuzzling his neck.
After a pause, Severus answered silkily, "Oh you may say them, but you might not like the consequences."
Marian realized at once that she had carried their banter too far. Her blood pounded in her ears and her body was beginning to react in unmistakable ways to his suggestive words. But luckily, or perhaps unluckily, Severus seemed to share the feeling that things had gotten out of hand, for he said suddenly, "But I suppose that for today you will remain unpunished. Let's rest a little longer."
Marian sighed in acknowledgment, keeping her hand threaded through his hair, comfortingly cradling the base of his skull with her palm and rhythmically stroking the back of his head with her fingers. Her soothing, nurturing touch and the trusting way she reclined against him swiftly sent him back to sleep. It had been far too long since duties and anxiety had allowed the troubled wizard real rest.
Reveling in the proximity of this man whose magic was so potent that she could feel its prickle against her skin, Marian wished earnestly that he could be hers—really be hers-and that there could be many more nights like this. But even though she knew that he was attracted to her, Marian could sense that he was very close to his breaking point. She felt that she would be taking advantage if she pursued him now. He obviously suffered greatly from guilt and loneliness, among other things. Also, she was all too aware of the fact that she was his only ally and comforter—and the only female that knew the truth about him. But once the world found out about his courage and ability, there would be many other interested parties. And even though the idea of Severus with another woman sickened her, she felt it would be only common decency to let him be until he could choose out of a larger pool, one where she wasn't the lone fish.
She doubted that she would ever find herself in his arms again, even though she longed for it with everything in her. But many trials lay ahead and there was far too much uncertainty. So she treasured the moment up in her heart before finally returning to slumber.
The next time Marian woke, she found herself pressed against Severus' body, but he no longer held her. Instead, he sat propped up by pillows in bed, reading a very old tome and absently stroking her hair. The moment she stirred, he guiltily jerked his hand away, as quickly as a striking snake.
"How long have you been awake?" she asked throatily.
He deftly closed the book and turned all of his considerable focus on her. "Not long. Perhaps half an hour," he answered gravely.
She noticed that he was still dressed for sleep and realized at once that he had postponed his morning ablutions, preferring to remain with her in bed. She was oddly touched. He seemed to think he needed to apologize or at least explain his continued presence, so he said sardonically, "I decided to remain here, not wanting to exhibit poor form in case you weren't finished with me yet."
Her eyes widened and she blushed, before reclaiming the hand that had recently been stroking her hair and murmuring, "I wasn't."
Even though only hours before Marian had decided not to make any romantic overtures to him, she found the truth of her love bursting to escape her at every opportunity. Gazing into his fathomless eyes and placing a fervent kiss on his palm, she dropped her voice and added, "I won't ever be."
A slight shiver passed through the hand she held, and a very strange look appeared on his face. When Marian looked into his eyes, she saw something desperate, something pleading. He parted his thin, malleable lips to speak, but seemed to change his mind.
The moment stretched out, and Marian worried that she had made him uncomfortable. She decided to behave normally, in an effort to put him at ease and make him forget her ardent declaration, so she said ruefully, "I suppose I should get dressed."
Severus had been deeply affected by her actions of a few moments before, but he was a double agent, and it didn't take him long to appear to recover his lost equilibrium. He decided to turn the tables.
"Pity," he replied airily, with a sly glance at her.
"When did you become so wicked?" Marian asked archly, as she rose from the bed and reached to lift her travel bag, blushing at the fiery sensation of his eyes on her.
"When you started wearing things like that," Severus answered, leaning back against the headboard and watching her with glittering eyes.
Marian paused mid-step, swallowing hard. "Would you like the bathroom first? I can change clothes just as easily out here," she rambled desperately, trying to regain her equilibrium. When had Severus Snape become so seductive? She realized that he had always had this sort of power over her, but at least he hadn't always known it.
"If you're sure…" he asked, and when she nodded, swept the covers aside and rose to his feet in one decisive movement. Then he stalked towards the bathroom, waving his wand and summoning his clothes after him.
A while later, after they had switched places and finished dressing and washing up, they re-transfigured the sofa and enjoyed brunch together. Neither said much. Their impending separation weighed heavily on both their minds.
"Will you use a Portkey?" he finally asked diffidently, as he lowered his coffee mug and fixed her with an inquisitive stare.
"Yes. I couldn't Portkey into Hogwarts because of the wards, but I can certainly use one to go back to my own home. Portkeys aren't as restrictive as Apparition. Wards can keep you from Apparating in or out, but not even wards as powerful as the ones at Azkaban can do more than protect the site from Portkey incursions. But anyone with a Portkey can escape….The freedom of unauthorized Portkeys is a loophole that law enforcement has sought to close up for years, but certainly not something I have any interest in them achieving," Marian confided with a grin.
"I imagine not," he replied with a forced smile, but he seemed to have become rather brooding and withdrawn, just in the course of their meal.
Surprising herself, Marian blurted out, "I could stay, you know."
Slightly startled, he glanced over at her with an opaque look. "Stay here? As a prisoner languishing in my rooms? It would only be a matter of time before a house elf or someone else intruded and discovered you. No, Marian," and he gentled his vehement tones, "you must leave, and as soon as possible. Else, in my weakness, I might try to keep you here….Do not worry about me. After your visit, I think I will be able to hold on a little longer."
He smiled softly at her in a way that flooded her heart with love and concern for him.
"Promise me that you will look after your own life and that you won't take the Portkey off for any reason!" Marian said earnestly.
He favored her with a mocking look, but she sensed that it was directed against himself rather than her. "Are you not going to make me swear this time?" he asked ironically.
"Your word will be enough," she replied, firmly ignoring his barb.
He paused for a moment, assessing her in bemusement. "You have it," he answered finally, in rather clipped tones.
Marian placed her napkin on the tray, and Severus realized that her withdrawal was imminent. Suddenly, he rose to his feet and said abruptly, "I do not wish to witness your departure."
Severus stunned her by the desperate nature of his retreat, and had nearly made it through the door before she called out to him.
"One more thing….Do you think I might have a look at your Dark Mark?" she asked.
Furious, Severus spun about and exclaimed in strident, unguarded tones, "Marian, if you're trying to punish me-"
"No! Let me ask you, if the war was over, and the Dark Lord destroyed for good, would you like to be rid of the Mark?" she asked curiously.
He seemed a bit shell-shocked at the direction the conversation had turned. Approaching her, he rolled up his sleeve with violent, jerky motions that betrayed his inner turmoil. Severus answered in a cold, quiet voice that was almost a whisper, "Is that a rhetorical question? There is almost nothing I want more in the world than to be rid of this hideous Mark, the emblem of my shame, burning like hellfire whenever my services are required. After the Dark Lord's defeat several years ago, I tried to get rid of it by carving out all the marked flesh—it obviously didn't work."
At the mention of his trauma, Marian darted forward and reached for his arm instinctively, exclaiming, "Oh, my darling!" in dismay.
Caught, Marian froze and slowly met his eye. His held a gleam that was almost…triumphant. He raised an amused brow at her, and she said guiltily, "Oh, that's just an expression we use in the United States. It's like 'My goodness!' or 'What do you know!'"
"I thought you said you'd never lie to me," he murmured, much closer than before; in spite of everything, drawn to her as iron to a magnet.
"Then you mustn't ask questions to try to make me incriminate myself!" she said hotly, growing flustered by his proximity.
"I didn't ask you any questions," he whispered, his lips a hairsbreadth away from hers, and she sensed that she was about to lose herself all over again. Her soul, her magic, every drop of blood in her veins vibrated with joy at his nearness.
"Well, what kind of spy does that make you then?" she mumbled, barely coherent.
"The best," he breathed, and, as he was about to swoop down upon her in spite of his resolution to let her alone, a bell rang out in almost deafening peals, causing the silverware to clatter on the tray.
They both pulled away and blinked, as though just surfacing from deep water. Severus snarled. "Those bloody fools!" he exclaimed.
Marian looked at him quizzically and he explained, "I have a visitor. Someone is trying to access the headmaster's office. One of those contemptible Carrows, I'm sure….Go, Marian….Please," he was almost pleading with her.
"Very well," she answered with a deep, shuddering breath, "I won't be here when you return."
They glanced at each other and Marian had a desperate impulse to throw herself into his arms and cling to him. Before she could act, the bell rang again. She glanced at Severus and realized with a bittersweet knowledge that he had reassumed his impenetrable, inexorable mask. He stood regal and cool in his pooling robes, a proud portrait in blacks and whites that would linger in her mind always.
Instead of succumbing to the embrace she craved, or uttering the words of love that had sprung to her lips, Marian merely lifted one hand and placed it carefully against his chest over the Portkey. She bowed her head in sorrow, her long tresses spilling over her shoulders and down her back. She felt Severus grasp her shoulders and press his lips to her forehead in a lingering kiss, and then he turned and strode purposefully out of the room.
With her heart breaking, Marian turned a hairbrush into a Portkey. Minutes later, she had left Hogwarts and Severus behind her, not knowing when or if she would see them again.