A/N: Thanks for the reviews! Keep 'em coming!
Enjoy!
He didn't think that he would ever be back to this place; standing in the cold night air and raising his gloved fisted hand to the 'door' and pounding on it as hard as he could to be heard. Looking around, he took in the barely lit parking lot and hoped that he would see it again. The door moved and he heard the voice before he saw the man's face.
"You better have your ID, pal; if you don't-"
"Big you need to get new material, man. I've heard the ID speech about a hundred times now."
Big went quiet before he eyed him through the door. "You alone?"
Bobby wasn't sure if he should answer him honestly or not; so he answered as vaguely as he could, "Does it matter? C'mon, let me in."
"Why should I? The last time you were here, you caused yourself a lot of trouble."
"I promise, if I cause trouble tonight, I give you permission to throw me out." Bobby actually hoped that Big would get a chance to throw him out if there was trouble. He would rather get banned from the bar instead of never leaving it alive.
The smirk that suddenly appeared on Big's face was anything but amusing. Pushing the door open, he allowed him entrance. The moment he stepped inside the door was pulled close and he was aware of the fact that the bar was nearly empty but that wasn't unusual for a Sunday night. Before he had a chance to move any further he heard a voice that froze him to his core.
"So…you made it."
Bobby looked to his immediate right and sitting at the table closest to the wall was the man he had come to see, along with the woman that called him. He slowly walked over to the table, never taking his eyes off the man, and then stopped in front of it. Standing off to Paul Savoie's side was the bodyguard Steve, and sitting next to him in the booth was Lindsey.
His eyes flickered over her as he pulled off his gloves and stuffed them into his coat pockets. She looked terrified and if the bruises on her face were any indication, she had every right to be. He wanted to show her the concern that was pulsing through him, but he had to tread carefully and play it right or else nothing would be okay from here on out for either of them. Turning his attention back to Savoie, he asked, "Mind if I sit?"
Savoie was watching him closely through a pair of tinted glasses that he remembered being fashionable when he was a kid. Without taking his eyes off him, he said, "Steve-o, check him out."
Bobby tensed as the man walked over to him and went to pat him down when he caught his wrist and twisted it back. "That isn't necessary," he growled as he shoved the guy away. Then before anyone could reacted, he pulled his coat aside and revealed his holstered weapon, along with his detectives shield. Neither man, Savoie or Steve made a move to take it from him before he dropped his coat back. "I may be carrying, but I have no intention of pulling my weapon…unless you give me a reason," he said that last part right to Savoie as he fixed him with a cold stare of his own.
The mob boss eyed him for a long moment before gesturing to the chair in front of him, telling him, "Have a seat."
It seemed like every move he made was in slow motion as he grabbed the chair and pulled it out so he could sit down. Bobby didn't bother trying to get comfortable as he sat and took the moment to look once again to Lindsey and then Steve before returning his full attention on the man sitting in the booth across from him.
Savoie also kept his eyes on him as he spoke. "Get us some drinks," he said to no one specific but he was surprised when Lindsey stood wordlessly and did as he ordered.
Before she passed him, she asked, "What would you like?"
Looking up into her eyes, he knew she was trying hard to act stoic, to not be afraid, but her eyes weren't able to hide her fear. Softly, Bobby told her, "Scotch…dry." She gave him a weak smile before walking toward the bar.
Bobby couldn't help but look after he as she went before turning back to Savoie. The small smirk he saw twisting the man's lips up twisted his stomach. This was a man that he was certain was a sadist murderer/rapist and who was also a very dangerous mob boss, and he was going to have to sit across from him and act civil with the man. Carry on a conversation, have a drink, and all the while breaking so many rules he had as a cop that he hoped by the time he left there that night he hadn't lost himself completely.
His drink was placed in front of him. Glancing up at Lindsey, he waited until she sat Savoie's drink on the table before he took a hold of his, and after he took a whiff of the drink, took a very small sip. It smelt all right to him, but that didn't mean anything. There were plenty of poisons and drugs that didn't leave a smell, especially when mixed with drinks.
"So, tell me…Bob-bee, why did was this…" Savoie looked pointedly at Lindsey as he said, "slut, call you all the way, out here?"
The man had a worse time talking than he did. Bobby shifted in his seat as he looked to Lindsey briefly, just to gauge her reaction, before addressing Savoie, "She said, she needed my help."
Savoie didn't ask it, but he could see the question in his dull, stoic eyes.
Bobby didn't know what kind of excuse Lindsey had given the mob boss when he had caught her in the bathroom on the cell phone after she told him where she was. To his survival, he hoped she didn't tell him much, or anything, and Savoie wouldn't be dumb enough to offer up an excuse for his to take. So, he had to come up with his own plan on the way to the bar. He just hoped that it would work.
Reaching into his inside coat pocket, he took hold of the plastic bag and looked to Lindsey as he pulled it out and tossed it on the table in front of her. Her eyes went wide before she stared shockingly at him.
Bobby gestured to the bag and then looked at Savoie. "Like I said, she needed my help," he told him before rubbing at his nose and wincing a little at the movement, as if it caused him a slight pain.
Savoie looked to Lindsey and snapped his fingers at her. "Give it…to me, now."
Lindsey hesitated, glancing to him, before putting her purse on her lap and getting out the nearly empty baggie she had and handing it to Savoie.
Bobby nearly let out a breath of relief at seeing that she only had enough cocaine left for one more hit. He had taken a gamble with bringing the drugs and so far it seemed like it was working. God, he needed a smoke. He had bought a new pack on his drive to Staten Island and emptied about half the cigarettes out of it before pocketing it. Everything was about perception when trying to sell a lie.
Pulling out the pack, he tapped one out and went to light it when Steve told him, "There's no smoking in here."
Bobby glared up at the bodyguard, but took the cigarette out of his mouth but kept it between his fingers. He pocketed the lighter as he returned his attention back to Savoie.
The mob boss was still watching him as he fingered the bag of coke in his hand. "I saw you, the other night."
It took him a moment to acknowledge what that meant. He knew the second it was said what it meant, but he didn't want to give his alertness away. "You mean…Coney Island?"
"Don't play dumb, 'tective," Savoie told him, suddenly sounding very annoyed. "You paid a brick, for her."
Bobby looked to Lindsey as he said, "Two, actually."
"She worth that much…is she?"
Blinking back, he shifted his eyes to Savoie as he told him, "You tell me. You've paid a thousand every time you get her." He paused for a brief moment before saying, "Why take her back at all?"
That got him the reaction he was looking for. Startled confirmation. It seemed that Paulie Savoie wasn't Mr. Robot after all. The man still had his tells. The smile took him by surprise after that stunned look slipped from his nearly impossible still face.
Then, Savoie asked, "What's she worth, 'tective?"
Bobby wasn't expecting that. It seemed that his performance was coming down to this moment. He had come to help Lindsey, but also to get a better feel of Savoie. To confirm that he was killer he was after, and then what was he going to do about it. What could he do about it? What could he say to this man that wouldn't get him killed? "Let's go outside."
Savoie didn't answer him for a long moment. "O-kay. Steve-o, check the lot."
Steve did as he was told and pushed open the door. Looking out, he said, "We got company."
"Who?"
"I don't know who, but there's at least three of them."
There was a hesitation, a moment of uncertainty that passed over the mob bosses face before he got up and gestured to the door. "After you."
Bobby got up, finished off his drink, and then started for the door. "Lindsey's coming with me," he told Savoie as he motioned with his hand for her to follow him out. To his surprise, she was able to actually do it without protest.
The cold night air hit him all over again as he stepped out of the bar and into the parking lot. Directly in front of him, between him and his car, was Stapleton. Turning around, he waited for Lindsey to be next to him; she was dressed in only a black dress and pearls so he took his overcoat off and draped it over her shoulders before walking a little closer to Savoie. He wanted what was said between them to stay between them.
Savoie motioned for Steve to stay back as well as he ventured closer to him. Neither man took their eyes off each other as they stepped closer to one another.
Bobby was highly aware to the fact that he had three of narcotics detectives, Stapleton, Jules, and Young, having his back. That helped to give him the courage he needed to confront Savoie, but what he was about to confront him about would have shocked not only himself, but Logan had he been there. "I know what you've been doing," he softly said.
Savoie only gave a slight nod, realizing that this was only going to be between them.
"I can cause you a lot of trouble, but…I know that if I start causing you trouble, you'll return the favor, right? I don't want that, and you definitely don't want that."
That made that humorless smile come back. "How's that?" Savoie asked.
Bobby returned the smiled, but his held more of a warning. "Because, if you continue on the way you are, and nothing comes from it…It'll be out of my hands, and into the hands of the FBI. These types of-of, um…of activities, that you're divulging in, they don't go unnoticed by the bureau for long. If I'm unable to-to, uh, to do my job, they'll have no problem doing it for me. Understood?"
He could tell that Savoie had started to take an interest, and actually listen to what he was saying, even since he brought up the FBI. Savoie seemed to be considering what was said before he gave another nod.
"Don't get me wrong here, Savoie. I could careless about you. In fact, what you're doing makes me sick. What I care about is myself, because you fail at protecting yourself. You let yourself get caught. Lucky for you, it was by me, because I'm a man who can look the other way, whose silence…can be had."
"How much?" Savoie suddenly asked. His desperation could be hidden any longer, and for a brief moment, Bobby thought he caught a glimpse of the man Savoie was trying to hid behind those emotionless dark eyes. He was a man so out of control, it was frightening.
"Actually, I have a payment for you. All I'm asking for is my life," he told him as he finally stuck the cigarette he'd been holding in his hand into his mouth and lit it.
That stunned the mob boss as the glared at him. "You, pay me?"
Bobby gave a nod. "For her," he said as he looked over his shoulder to Lindsey. Bowing out a huff of smoke, he turned back to Savoie, saying, "for my silence…I don't know…Five grand. What'd you say?"
Bobby continued to stare into the dark eyes of Paul Savoie, and waited.
An hour later, Bobby walked into the 128th Precinct with three Narco cops following him in. Jules and Young slip off and headed to the locker room while Stapleton stayed with him. His hands were still slightly shaking but at least he was alive, and so was Lindsey Broyles after he paid five thousand for her. At the moment, Lindsey was on the ferry on her way back to Coney Island and hopefully from there out of the state if she knew what was best.
He had no idea how long Savoie could hold himself to his end of the 'deal'. Serial killers worked on impulses and Savoie was a very powerful serial killer. He could very well say fuck it and take him out along with everyone else and go to war with the FBI. Or, something less dramatic than that scenario.
Heading up the steps, he stopped on the second floor and held out his hand. "Thanks again. You didn't have to do that."
Stapleton shook his hand and gave him a slap on the shoulder. "You're a brother in blue, we look out for one another. Besides, having a chance to get in good with that crazy lunatic is just the icing on the proverbial cake."
That was the lie he had told Stapleton. That the 'meeting' he had with Savoie was to solidify a deal in going into business with the mob boss. He was afraid that the Narc would either call his bluff or call him crazy. Stapleton did call him crazy, but he had also jumped on the opportunity to getting in good with the mob boss. He said the man had more connections in higher places than the Pope, whatever that meant.
Bringing in Stapleton had come at a cost though, and after he ushered Lindsey onto the ferry and then returned to his car. The narcotics detective was there waiting for him. The favor was to be returned, he had told him. And in a few days, he was invited to a takedown that couldn't refuse.
Stapleton smiled at him before asking him, "Say, Bobby, we've got a basketball game tomorrow, wanna come?"
He hesitated for a moment and that gave Stapleton time to elaborate.
"It's just I heard how good you were from Jackson and Rivers. How you took it to your old squad. Our department's playing them tomorrow night, and we could use the extra player. Jules is good at the job, but he can't hit a free throw to save his life."
Bobby gave a nod and a slight smile. "Sure…why not." Except for the fact that he really didn't want to, but at the moment, he owed that man more than his time on the court, but his life.
"Alright, Mister Insanity, be at the NYC Gym by six."
Mister Insanity had been what Stapleton had called him after he had successfully not gotten himself killed by Paul Savoie. Bobby watched him walk away, going to part of the building that housed the Narcotics Squad, before going up one more flight of steps and walking into his own squad.
It was going on four in the morning and he was exhausted. The homicide department was scarce, and he was the only one walking in that early in the morning. Going straight to the break room for a much needed cup of coffee, he wasn't prepared for the flood of anger and emotions that suddenly tensed his shoulders and balled his fists. He needed to calm down, and to cool down as he felt the heat radiating off himself.
Opening the freezer, he let the cold settle over his heated face as he tried to calm his racing pulse. Then, he felt it, the snap of his temper as he slammed the door shut then pulled it open only to slam it close again, and again. He slammed it close one last time before hitting it with a balled fist a second before he slumped against it and breathed heavily out of his quivering body.
"A punching bag is easier on the knuckles."
Bobby opened his eyes and glanced over his shoulder to Gonzales as he walked into the break room. Straightening, he mumbled, "I'll get outta your way," as he started for the entryway only to stop himself. Turning back to Gonzales, he asked, "What're you doing right now?"
"Paperwork," he told him as he refilled a cup with coffee. "I got called in early for a suicide. Why?"
"Want to help me with something? It's about one of your old cases, actually. Michelle Costello?"
"The murdered prostitute…the one you think's connected to a serial killer?" When he nodded, Gonzales smiled broadly as he said, "Count me in. What'd you want to know?"
"Everything," he simply told him as he walked over to the counter to get himself that much needed cup of coffee.
Shivering her ass off in Central Park was not something she wanted to be doing at seven o'clock in the morning, but she didn't get to have a say about when preps were allowed to commit crimes, or in this case, murder. What made it worse was waking up alone in her bed just an hour earlier and knowing that Bobby had been long gone before then. She remembered vaguely a phone call very early last night, around one and him nearly jumping out of bed and leaving her to have to fight the cold off herself. She also remember the name of the caller: Lindsey, and that he had wanted to talk to her. Not knowing about the exact cases he was working, she wasn't sure who this Lindsey person was but she sounded highly important to Bobby for him to leave at one in the morning, with little sleep, to go to her.
It wasn't jealously that was making her nervous, or anxious, as she waited for Copeland to finish his 'examination' of the woman who had been shot multiple times and left for dead alongside the pathway that lead around the park. No, that wasn't it. What had her stomach turning in knots was the fact that this morning as she was getting ready for work she realized something. A big something. A terrifying recognition that she should have picked up on days before…four days before, to be exact.
That something was this: she was late. Four, five if she counted that day, late. She was sure that she had noticed it before this morning, like when she was one day late, but she had remembered how weeks before, right before her and Bobby had gotten back together, that she had an appointment with her OB/GYN. Maggie, Dr. Barnes…she called her Maggie, had recommended that she change her birth control pill. She agreed…Now, she realized, that she was an idiot. Changing her pill, and then letting Bobby have sex with her shortly after, a few days after if she remembered correctly, wasn't the best decision on her part.
Anyway, she had at first, five days ago, just figured that because of the changing of the pill, her body was still adjusting and it would take a few extra days for things to go back to normal. That still could be the case, but that was just one possibility. Another possibility was that she was currently impregnated by her emotionally immature, and afraid of family and commitment boyfriend. All because he had shown up on her doorstep looking like a lost puppy and finally, finally!, letting his guard down to her that she was now freaking the fuck out over the possibility of carrying his child. What made it worse was that she was terrified of his response when she tells him. The bastard; if he wasn't so damn afraid all the time she wouldn't have to this afraid over just the thought of this. Of motherhood and his fatherhood….
Shit, and now Copeland was looking at her all weird. Like he wanted to ask her what was wrong. Why she was suddenly so quiet and why she hadn't made some sarcastic comment yet about why it looked like he'd been clubbin' all night long. Oh, she would let him sweat about that for a while before she made him go red from embarrassed over that one. As long as he wasn't hung over and could do his job she really didn't care. He was young and could actually party all night long and be go to go the next day, unlike her. She'd be half dead and ready to collapse if that was her.
"Are you okay?"
Great. Copeland was looking down at her with concern as he handed her a cup of strong, sugar-filled coffee. She held the takeout cup with both hands and took a sip while she tried to think of something to say to the guy to dash his concern. "Better than you. What'd you do last night, hit up the club with 50 Cent?"
Harry actually smiled at that but she could tell that she nailed it by the way he briefly looked away. "Funny. Now, can we focus on the case at hand?"
"I am focusing. Twenty-six year old female, shot twice while walking to her job as a paralegal at the law office of Hynes and Gordon on 3rd Ave. Hence why we've been called out here. From what Deakins said, and from what I confirmed from her PDA a few minutes ago, she had been working on the retrial of rapist, Darryl Ramsey, who's been claiming for ten years that he was falsely accused. Did I miss anything?" she smartly asked and with a breath of air, tried to blow her hair out of her eyes.
"No," Harry quietly said as he shook his head. "Except…it wasn't with 50 Cent, but my girl Rita."
"Rita…Rita…" she frowned as she tried to place the first name with a last one. "Rita….Wait, not Rita James from Missing Persons?"
Smiling slightly, he told her, "It's okay that we work in the same building, right?"
Alex shook her head and then started for the SUV. "It's better than the same squad, or your partner. Well worth it though if it's true love."
"Are you and Goren true lovers?"
She didn't answer him as she rounded the SUV and pulled the door open. As she slid into the driver seat, she was confronted again about her possible pregnancy and what Bobby would do, or say. Alex knew a lot about Bobby, not everything yet, but a lot. She knew he would be scared, and stunned. He would question everything, even himself, and he would quite possibly hide from her for a while. Not physically, but he would need time to come to terms if it was confirmed that she was, in fact, growing a kid inside of her at the moment. However, he wouldn't run. He wouldn't neglect his responsibilities and there was no way he would leave her.
Years ago, when she asked him about his views on pregnancy, abortion to be exact, and after forcing him to give a better answer than his typical guy answer, he had surprised her with the amount of thought he had put into it. He had, after a moments consideration, told her that life was full of uncertainty and that there needed to be options. She wondered how many options would be considered in his head if confronted with one of those uncertainties in life.
"Eames?"
Alex realized that she hadn't said anything to Copeland in what seemed like hours. She was gripping the steering wheel and staring out the windshield with the heat from the truck blowing in her face. Looking over, she softly told Harry, "I guess it depends on what your definition of true love is."
Unlike Bobby, Copeland didn't fix her with his dark brown eyes and silently tell her she had to do better. That he wanted, and needed, to know more than that vague answer that wasn't even an answer at all. Instead, he only gave a nod and then turned his attention to his cell phone. That guy would be lost without that thing in his hand. Pulling out into traffic and heading toward the law office of Hynes and Gordon, she thought that the discussion was dropped.
"Well," Harry suddenly said, not looking up from his phone, "I think true love is being able to get through the trials of life together. No matter how hard it gets, no matter how hopeless is all seems, when you see that person, the one you gave your heart to, and you know that as long as they're with you…it'll be okay. That together, you can get through anything."
Alex stopped at a light and looked skeptically at the man sitting beside her. Reaching out, she snatched the phone out of his hand and looked at what was displayed on the screen. Tossing it back to him after his feeble attempt at protesting, she laughed, "Nice try, but the next time you want to have a heart-to-heart with me, memorize the lines first. Who wrote that?"
"I don't know, but it sounded good."
Shaking her head at him, she continued the short drive to 3rd Avenue. As she drove, she couldn't help but think of the words Copeland had spoken to her. They weren't his own words, but that didn't mean that they weren't his thoughts. That they also weren't her thoughts because the more she thought about them the more she felt that they were true. Her truth as to what she felt and thought true love to be.
It wasn't a fairy tale love; those weren't real, and quite frankly, they made her nauseous. Having a love like that, one that held no trials and errors and some pain meant that a lot of truths were being ignored. At least that was from her experience. It meant living in denial and giving up yourself for the other person, or of not being yourself in a relationship. She had known women like that, and before, she had been the same way. Relationships she had had when she was younger, before she really knew and understood what it meant to be in love, she had hid herself. She would try to be whatever it was that the guy she was with wanted. It wasn't what she wanted, what pleased her, but what pleased and made them happy.
That was never a good thing in a relationship. Then she had gotten older, met Joe, and realized that in order to be truly happy in a relationship, to be someone's partner, lover, and wife, that she had to be herself and be happy within her own skin, soul, heart, and mind. With Joe she had went through the process of it all; learning just who she was when she was alone, and with being married to a narcotics detective being left alone was in the wedding vows. She also had to learn who she was when she was with him, and how to be satisfied with what it was that made her the woman that he loved and admired. After Joe died, it was like she had lost a part of herself and she had to find out who she was after him.
It was hard, and it took a lot of time. The pain that caused still lingered, and she knew it always would. However, she knew that it was important for her to figure out a way to live without her husband in her life. She had always believed that being in a relationship, and being in one where both people were deeply in love with each other, that they became half of each other. That together they made a whole. They were one.
Bobby didn't think that way. To him they were 'separately united', as he put it to her one night over a year ago when she had brought the concept up to him. Bobby believed that one and one made two; there was no such thing as being the half of another person, of another soul. Leave it to Bobby to not believe in soul mates as well. It didn't matter to her what he thought, as long as they could co-exist, as long as they loved each other, respected each other, and trusted one another, then that was all that mattered.
They were different. They had conflicting thoughts and opinions, but that was what made it a real relationship, something that could be considered by her to be a true love. Despite the things that made them different, they were willing to accept those differences and grow together. He had told that Nelda Carlson woman that they had complementary skills; they balanced each other out. And right there was the truth in what they were to one another.
Bobby was the idiot, she told herself as she parked the SUV and got out. They were each others other half. They completed each other. Maybe she shouldn't be as afraid as she was to realize that she was four…five, days late.
Harry went to hold the door to the office building for her and as she walked by him, she said, "He's the yin to my yang."
That stilled Copeland for a moment before he smiled wide at her. "Been thinking about that the whole time?"
"You don't know the half of what I've been thinking about. Ready for this? Turn your lifeline off?"
Harry looked away again, but pulled out his cell and put it on silent. "Okay, let's do it."
After the meeting with both lawyers, Richard Hynes and Josh Gordon, Alex had dropped Copeland off at One Police Plaza. When he asked what she was up to, she had told him that she had an early appointment with Dr. Olivet. As she started to drive, she bypassed the street that would take her to the psychiatrist's office and instead headed toward Brooklyn. From Brooklyn she hit the bridge that would take her over the bay and into Staten Island. If Bobby found out what she was planning he would intercept her on the way and tie her down to keep her from going through with it. She had, in a way, promised him that she wouldn't get involved.
He should have known that she wouldn't leave it alone. She had one final option, and if he shut the door on her then, and only then, would she accept that there was nothing she could do. She was trying to help, and protect, Bobby after all. It was her justification as to why she ignored the warnings, Bobby's warning, to leave it alone.
Before she knew it, she was finding a parking spot to the department building that housed the Staten Island Internal Affairs Bureau and headed into the building on a mission to kick the IA officers ass who had dragged her boyfriend into this dangerous operation. Into an operation that according to Bobby, 'scared' him. Bobby wasn't afraid of anything, or one. For a long time, at the beginning of their partnership, she had thought that Bobby had no fear. It was one of the many things that had lead her to believe he was an anti-social lunatic, and nearly to the point of abandoning him as a partner.
That thought and knowing what that decision, had she gone through with it, could have cost her still sent a shiver down her spine. Bobby still didn't know about that. He had no idea that his girlfriend and once loyal partner had considered, and put in the paperwork, to get a different partner. That she didn't want to handle him. She didn't want to deal him, understand him, and she didn't want to take the time to get to know him. She was lucky, deeply grateful, to have changed her mind. Bobby had helped her to change it when he finally let her in. When he had actually taken the time to explain something to her instead of leaving her in the dark.
Knocking on the door, she didn't give the man time to answer before she pushed the door open and strolled in.
To say that Pat Garrison was startled to see her was an understatement; the man was in shock and possibly suffering a heart attack. "What…Detective Eames-"
"Well, it's good that now we both know each other."
"How?" he asked in shock.
"You suck at surveillance. I got your license number and your photo when you were on stakeout in front of Ray's house," she told him as she pulled out the photos from inside her overcoat and tossed them on his desk.
Garrison eyed the photos and then shook his head. "Goren was wrong about you, you are persistent."
"You have no idea," she coldly told him as she leveled him with her eyes.
He looked up at her and finally, after coming to terms that she was there and not going to leave easily, asked, "And what can I help you with, Detective?"
She wanted to laugh at the mockingly pleasantries but instead, Alex sat down and leaning back, she told him, "I want in."
Garrison did laugh. "You're serious."
"Do I look like I'm not. Besides, you need me in. I know about the undercover operation now. Bobby is going to need help, who better than me.'
"He has help, and I greatly disagree." Garrison leaned on his desk and fixed her with a stare of his own. "You want to help him?"
Alex gave a nod.
"Good. Leave him."
She sat stunned for a long moment before laughing and shaking her head. "No, see…that isn't going to happen. I'll never leave Bobby, especially now."
"I think you should consider it. Because the deeper this goes, the more danger he's going to be in. The more danger you're going to be in. Right now, Detective, you're a huge distraction to him. A blind spot, should we say. The closer you get to him, the harder it is for him to perform his job properly. Until the operation is over, then afterwards, you could live with him for all I care."
As he said that, Alex realized that Bobby hadn't told him that they were in the process of living together. She wondered if he was going to even let the IA officer know but she choose not to. Instead, she leaned on the desk as well, "You're wrong. If I leave him, especially now, he'll break and he just might say screw you and to hell with the operation. I'm keeping him going. Knowing that I have his back, and his determination to get back to me, and Major Case, is what's keeping him going. You're making a mistake not letting me in on this."
Garrison looked like he'd been kicked off his high horse at that, but he was stern in saying, "We're done here, Detective."
Alex didn't want to, but she knew that there was nothing else she could say. Nothing else she could do, except hope that Garrison took her words into consideration and changed his mind.
She left the building and as she headed to the SUV, she caught sight of a familiar man, a detective, as he exited a building across the street. Before he got into the awaiting car, he looking in her direction. She didn't know if he saw, or recognized her, but she was suddenly aware that if he did this could mean only one thing. Trouble.
Pulling out her keys, she continued to watch as the car that held a driver and Detective Rivers pulled away and headed down the street.
Pushing the backdoor open with his body he hurried into the kitchen and sat the takeout bags onto the table before they dropped. His binder went on the table next right along with his keys and then his gun. He'd been running around all day with Gonzales tracking information down on Michelle Costello. Unable to get back to the Staten Island, he was still in possession of everything he had left with. Taking a deep breath he was struck by the overwhelming heat that started to suffocate him. It felt like it was a hundred degrees in the apartment. Alex must've had on both the central heat and radiator again.
Looking around, he spotted the boxes that were littered around the rooms. Some were still taped up, others were open with contents still in them while others were folded and placed into a pile between the refrigerator and wall. Alex had informed him when he called earlier that she was going to her apartment after work and bringing some boxes over, but he was startled with how many. It was going on nine o'clock so he figured she had plenty of time to get ten boxes packed in that amount of time.
He would have been home sooner but he had to do some work at the department before heading out with Gonzales, and then it had taken longer than he realized to locate Michelle's family and so-called friends. Then he had gotten into it with a Vice cop who thought he was a john and then when he found out he was a cop trying to get information, the twosome he was having with Gonzales had turned into a foursome as the Vice cop and his partner joined the search party.
"Alex, I got some takeout from Sal's," he called through the rooms as he unwrapped his scarf from around his neck before tugging off his coat. After laying them over the back of a chair, he started taking out the food containers from the bags. "I got your favorite."
Placing all the containers out on the kitchen table, he looked around and still didn't see her anywhere. Heading further into the apartment, he bypassed boxes as he went into the hall and then his bedroom. She had her stuff scattered everywhere at the moment yet he didn't mind it really. Turning the light on in the walk-in closet, he saw that it had been rearranged with their clothes separated on each side of the closet.
Unbuttoning his dress shirt, he pulled it off along with his jacket and put them into the hamper meant for dry-clean only. He quickly kicked off his shoes and took off his socks before changing out of his pants and into a pair of black jeans. Then he tugged off his t-shirt and tossed it into the other basket for him to wash. He was burning up from the heat. Going down the hall, he felt the hot steam coming out of the radiator and shook his head. It was cold out but it wasn't that cold. Reaching under it he turned it off and looked around for the woman that was slowly turning his place upside down and saw the light on under the bathroom door.
"Alex, baby, it's hotter than hell in here," he told her as he walked up to the bathroom door. Knocking softly, he told her, "I got dinner."
He heard her moving around behind the door before it opened. At seeing the look on her face, he nearly froze. Fear and panic gripped his heart as he urgently asked, "What is it? What's wrong?"
Alex didn't answer him as she continued to stare at him with her arms crossed over her chest. He could see the inner struggle in her and that worried him.
Bobby slowly reached out and took hold of her arms. There was a tremor running through them and he immediately knew whatever it was it was bad. "Is it your family?" he asked. "Did something happen?"
Alex quickly shook her head letting him know that it wasn't them.
That eased some of his worries; he didn't want to think of something horrible happening to one of her siblings or parents or the kids. Bobby was growing more confused and terrified as he nodded a little. "Then…Nothing happened at work did it? Captain Deakins-"
"Everyone's fine," she finally spoke but her voice was shaky.
Bobby's heart fell as there was only one other conclusion he could think of and it was what was igniting his intense fear. If it wasn't work or her family then…"What'd I do? Whatever I did…I'll, I'll try to fix it." As she continued to stare up into his eyes he saw that he was right; it was him. "If…if this is too soon, and you don't want to live with me-"
"Stop…It's not that," Alex silenced him with her plea before she took a breath and told him, "I…I might be…Bobby, I might be pregnant."
His heart stopped. It literally stopped, he felt the pause of his heart beat right before he stumbled back slightly and closed his eyes. That…He didn't know what to do or say to that. Bobby stood stunned as he tried to gather a single thought in his head that was suddenly pounding in his ears. He couldn't breathe and Alex had a look of fear on her own face. "Wh-what? How…" he cut himself off at that stupid question. He knew how, but…"What?"
Alex had yet to uncross her arms or even move as she continued to watch him. Suddenly she pulled her arms apart and that was when he saw the small box that she had been holding. "I'm waiting to find out now."
He stared at the box in her hands and realized what it was. It was a home pregnancy testing kit. Bobby shook his head, wiping the sweat away as he tried to comprehend what was going on. He didn't even know if he was still breathing but he had too because he hadn't passed out yet.
"Do you want to wait with me?"
Stepping back he felt his world tilt and spin as he closed his eyes once again. Still rubbing at his aching head he didn't think as he just reacted, saying, "I don't even want this to be happening…" Opening his eyes he saw the look in her eyes right before she turned and slammed the door in his face. Fuck. "Wait, I didn't…Alex!" he yelled as he banged on the door. "I didn't mean that. I'll wait with you."
"I don't want you to do something you don't want to do."
He rested his head against the door and sighed. Why did she have to be so difficult. He was in shock! "You caught me off guard. I wasn't-I wasn't expecting that."
"And I was!" she yelled through the door. "Stop trying to explain. Just, I can't have you in here with me right now."
Pushing his anger down he gave a nod as he told her through the door. "Okay. I'll, uh…I'll stay out here. How long be-,uh, before...?" he asked with a slight tremor in his voice.
"Five minutes."
Five minutes…Giving into the sudden flood of emotions that wanted to cripple him, Bobby felt his knees give as he slid down the door until he was sitting with his back to it. Closing his eyes, he willed his emotions away; for her he had to be strong, he had to be willing to accept and deal with any outcome. In five minutes they would know if they were going to be parents. He would know if he was going to be a father.
His body started to shake and he hated the fear that gripped his heart. What pained him most was the fact that he didn't know if it was fear of it being a yes or fear of it being no. Bobby didn't know if she was next to the door or not, but he turned his head to the side and asked, "What're you thinking?"
A thump against the door was indication that she was leaning against the other side of it. Maybe she was sitting exactly like him with her back against the same spot as his, and with her head tilted exactly where his was. Bobby reached out and touched the door as he tried to feel her through it, to keep the connection so she could help him. Right then, he needed help. The tears were there, itching at the back of his eyes and he was so afraid.
"What're you thinking?" she asked him right back instead of answering.
He barely heard her soft voice cut through his inner battle and turmoil. "I'm thinking," Bobby had to clear his throat when he heard how rough it sounded. "I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm scared, but, uh...no matter what it says…I'm not going anywhere."
She was silent on the other side of the door for a long moment. "I'm scared too."
With hearing that soft confession, Bobby broke. The tears slid down his face and he quickly reached up to wipe them away. Holding his head in his hands, he focused on controlling himself. He had to be strong he reminded himself. Alex needed him to be strong for her. Finally, as he got himself to breathe easier and the tears subsided, he wrapped his arms around his legs as he twisted his hands together as his mind began its assault.
His own father hadn't been much of one. All he knew, all that he learned from that man, was how to be completely indifferent to the word 'family' and everything that came along with it. The times when he had been a witness to his father's true, actual, emotions it had all been bad. All the anger, the manipulation, and the satisfaction his father got from humiliating and embarrassing him as not only a child but as an adult was still too real, too raw. It was embarrassing for him to know that even after all these years he still held the same spite and anger for his father that he's had since he was old enough to understand that William Goren wasn't someone to be admired.
But despite his anger and his vow to never be like his old man, he never had the courage to prove to himself that he was any better. He never wanted to have a child just to prove that he could love his child and prove his father wrong. To show everyone, including himself, that he was nothing like William. He had felt and thought for a long time that doing so would be in itself manipulation, and that the only reason he would have done it was to prove a point.
Then there was always the fear that he wasn't any better. His father was away a lot; either really working or away gambling, and he was never there for him when he had needed him the most. He himself was a workaholic, and that wouldn't change. And there was the fear that he would be just as indifferent and emotionally detached from his child as his father had been. He couldn't put a child through that.
Then, of course, there was his mother and all the fears that went along with her and her family history. With his own predisposition and to have that gene for mental illness passed along to his child…He closed his eyes and felt the tears battle against his will to fall once again. There were too many negatives; too many reasons for him not to be a parent and to not bring a child into the world that he surrounded himself with. For God's sake, he was currently undercover as a corrupt cop and chasing a serial killer/mobster that could very well end his life. Banging his head against the door, he stared up at the ceiling and continued the long wait.
Taking a look at his watch, the gold watch Alex had gotten him for Christmas, he saw that it had been the longest five minutes of his adult life. Breathing out, he asked, "Alex?" He waited for her to answer, to say anything as he felt his lungs tighten and burn.
The door handle moved and he straightened so not to fall as she opened the door. She didn't have to say anything. The moment he caught her eyes he knew. The sorrow was there, hidden behind her determination to remain strong. He knew she wasn't okay; that even though they had both told themselves and each other that it was for the best, she always held out hope.
"It's-"
"I know," he quickly told her in his strained soft voice. "C'mere."
Alex looked away from him, back into the bathroom. "Do you want to see-"
"Alex," he stressed her name, forcing her to look back down at him. "Shut the door and come here," he told her in a near whisper. Bobby could see it in every movement from her hesitant look to her slight breathing that she was holding back. That she was on the verge of collapse.
Staring down at him, she took a breath as she slowly closed the door. Alex leaned against it as she continued to stare into his eyes. The sorrow and the pain that was in her was getting harder for her to control. Holding his hand out, he beckoned her to take it. She looked from him to his hand and then something in her broke as she reached out. The moment he felt her hand in his he pulled her down. She folded herself onto his lap with her knees up to her chest. Wrapping his arms around her, he protectively held on as he felt her body shake.
His own body was shaking right along with hers. At seeing the dark anguish in the normally light loving eyes of the woman that had become the love of his life, he almost broke again; he almost gave into the emotions that were threatening to bury him. "I'm sorry."
Shaking her head into his chest, she told him, "Nothing to be sorry about. It's not like I lost anything."
He wanted to keep quiet. His silence had always been his best defense; if he just remained silent he could let it all pass by and hopefully they would be okay, but he knew that this wasn't something that they could just get pass. For five minutes they had to confront the possibility of their lives drastically changing forever. Bobby knew it had to be dealt with despite his desire to leave it alone.
Trying to ease the tension and the quivering he felt in her, he caressed over her back before running his hands along her arms and pushing her slightly away so he could tilt his head down and give her a kiss on her temple. "You did lose something," he whispered to her. "I think that, that maybe you're afraid to tell me what that is."
Alex looked up at him with the most perplexed expression. Running her hands up his bare chest, she encircled his neck as she said, "I knew I shouldn't have held out hope. I mean, God, I'm so conflicted with it myself. Sometimes I really want to be a mom but then…I keep telling myself I can't be a working mom. I can't. If I'm going to have a child I'll have to quit and I'm not ready to make that sacrifice. But then, I had to live with the knowledge that I could be pregnant and I thought…maybe I can do this," she stopped talking as she leaned back against him.
Bobby's eyes slid close as he took a deep breath to steady his emotions. Alex was breaking and he couldn't let himself fall right along with her. "Alex-" her name broke from his suddenly dry throat. Swallowing hard, he parted his eyes to look down at her. He went to speak again but she suddenly cut him off.
"What would you have done if it was positive?" She tilted her head up so she could look at him.
Staring into her dark eyes, he smiled a little as he honestly told her, "I would have hit the roof. Then, after I panicked, I think…No, I know that whatever you would have decided, I would've backed you up."
"You know what my decision would've been."
Bobby nodded slightly because it was getting harder to speak.
"While I was sitting in there, I was wondering if our relationship could've lasted with us being parents."
He was losing his battle. Shaking his head, his vision blurred slightly just before he shut his eyes. "It would've," clearing his throat, he told her, "…made it more challenging." His voice was getting worse; it was cracking and he could barely get his voice above a whisper. "I foresaw a lot of complications, a lot of changes that terrified me…Us arguing over just about everything…"
"And?"
"And…I don't know," he honestly told her. "Having a baby…a child, it changes everything. I don't think I'll ever be…be, prepared, for that." He finally looked back down at her and saw the understanding along with the same fears that he held mirrored in her.
Alex ran her hand through his hair and pulled him down for a kiss. His heart was pounding against her chest as he gave himself to her in that kiss. He didn't want it to break; he felt like hiding for the rest of his life in that kiss. Pulling away, she gently asked, "What were you hoping for?"
Bobby didn't know what to say to that. So much rested on his answer to that weighed question. Gathering his courage, he told her, "I'm not sure what I wanted. I still don't."
Alex seemed to accept that as she gave a nod before resting back against his chest.
Pulling her tighter to him and hoping he hadn't ruined something, a sacred part of their love and trust that was keeping them together, Bobby closed his eyes and leaned his head against the door. With a air of defeat, he told her once again, "I'm sorry."
Once he found the strength to stand, he eased her up along with him before lifting her completely into his arms as he stood. Alex wrapped her arms around him while leaning her head against his shoulder. Carrying her into their bedroom, he laid her gently down on the bed and watched as she stared up at him. He couldn't make out the look, what she was feeling and what it meant for the both of them. She could have been in shock, or just emotionally drained, he knew that he was.
Moving a loose strand of hair off her face, he leaned down and gave her a kiss on the lips. "Want anything? Tea? Wine?"
Alex seemed to give that some thought before saying, "Tea sounds nice."
Before getting up, he gave her another kiss then stood and left the room. Out in the hallway, he took a few deep breaths as he ventured into the kitchen. Reminding himself to hold it together, to stay strong, he put the food containers in the refrigerator because he had lost his appetite and Alex didn't seem to be in the mood to eat either. Searching the cabinets, he pulled down the bottle of Glenlivet. Filling a glass he sipped at it as he went through the task of making her tea.
At spotting Alex's tea kettle on his stove, he paused and stared at it before lifting it up and filling it with water. Leaning against the counter, he finished off the glass of scotch as he watched the kettle heat up on the stove. Refilling his glass, he tried not to give into the thoughts that were pounding at his head. He reminded himself that Alex was in the bedroom, waiting for him, and he couldn't leave her in there to wallow in sorrow on her own. He had to stay, to be there for her. Closing his eyes, he stilled his mind, his heart, and focused on staying in control for as long as she was awake.
She was still lying on the bed but was now clutching a pillow under her head. He sat the drinks down and moved behind her in the bed. "Sit up," he told her as he settled against the headboard. Once she was up, he pulled her to him, letting her rest back against him and then handed her the cup.
Taking a sip of the tea, she eased back into his chest and closed her eyes. Bobby tilted his head down, kissing over her shoulder and to her neck. She was warm against him and the shaking had stopped. Running his hands up along her arms to her shoulders, he started massaging the tense muscles. Hearing her hum in the pleasure he was causing her, he closed his eyes and smiled slightly. Maybe they could get through this. Maybe they were okay.
Bobby nuzzled the crock of her neck and kissed along her skin as he continued the massage.
"If you think this is going to lead to sex you're sorely mistaken," she dryly told him.
Chuckling, he whispered into her ear, "Damn, you're onto me."
Turning to him, she pressed a kiss to his lips before pulling away. "I'm always onto you."
He had to ask even though he was certain of the answer, "We're okay?"
Alex stared up at him; giving a slight smile, she answered, "We're okay." She turned her head back around but stayed in his arms.
He couldn't help to smile even though it never reached his darkening eyes as he began to lose his focus. Nothing else was spoken between them that night. After Alex finished her tea, she fell asleep in his arms while he sipped on the scotch as the thoughts inside his head collided and then made a harrowing descent.
TBC...