A/N: First let me apologize for this unexpected break. I had good intentions almost every day this week, but none of them cooperated enough to actually let me post this. The good news is the next 4 chapters are written so I'll continue with twice a week updates (Sun/Thurs) until I run out of material.

Now for this chapter. Please note that all my non-English dialogue comes from GoogleTranslate which I've been told isn't actually that accurate but I can't do much about it considering I am very mono-lingual. So please forgive any mistakes I've made, I hope I haven't butchered the French language too badly. That being said, if there are any native speakers who'd like to volunteer to be my go-to person for a specific language, that would be great. I need someone who speaks French, Hebrew, and Spanish would be nice to have too. I'd just like to be as true to the other languages I use as possible.

Thanks so much for sticking around everyone, I'm so excited about everything that's coming up and there's a lot of story left to tell. But now, without further ado, I give you the first Paris chapter :) ~Aliyah

Monday February 8

As expected, Gibbs barged into Vance's office minutes after he'd been summoned. Leon leaned back in his chair, hands folded. "Got a witness who needs to be escorted from Paris back to the States to testify. I want DiNozzo and David on a place in two hours." Gibbs' expression, though usually indiscernible, now showed the briefest flash of hesitation. Vance's gaze narrowed. "Problem Agent Gibbs?"

The gruff team leader didn't answer right away. Truth be told he didn't love the idea of Tony and Ziva alone together for a stretch of time requiring close contact. Knowing what he knew about their feelings for each other, he preferred the partners where he could keep an eye on them. Even though Ziva had apparently gotten her own place a week ago, Gibbs was still uneasy. They'd been coming in separate cars at different times every day since the announcement was made and acted the same as usual, giving him no cause for concern, but something didn't sit right with his gut. He drew the line at following Ziva home just to be sure, he needed to trust her more than that. Besides, she'd spot a tail a mile away and that would be more trouble than it was worth.

Squaring his shoulders, he shook his head once. "Nope, no problem."

The director stared at him for a moment as if seeing through the lie. "Good. That's all. My assistant will forward Agent McGee the file."

Clearly dismissed, Gibbs spun on his heel and walked out. On his way down the stairs he paused, looking over the squadroom. Tony was shooting spitballs at Ziva and after the third one she jumped out of her chair and advanced on him menacingly. Undaunted, Tony made an exaggerated show of hiding his paperclip box and grinned brightly. Gibbs couldn't hear what was said but her attention suddenly shifted to McGee's desk. When he came back from talking to Abby he sat down without looking and a loud farting noise emanated from his chair. Tony cackled and the prank even made Ziva laugh as she shook her head at her incorrigible partner.

McGee looked over at him. "Really?"

Tony shrugged. "I can't help it if you make yourself an easy target." His head snapped forward and he winced. "Oh, hi Boss."

At the expression on his face Ziva retreated to her own desk but Gibbs pointed at them. "Go home and pack."

Glances between the partners were exchanged. "Road trip? We got a case Boss?"

He shook his head. "Nope. You two are on protection detail. Pick up a witness in Paris and get her safely home." They just sat there and he glared. "Now! McGee will send you the details."

Much slower than usual Tony and Ziva gathered their things and headed for the elevator. The car was only in motion seconds before Ziva flicked the emergency stop switch and turned to her husband, unnerved by his silence. "Tony?"

A sigh hissed between his lips as he stared at the floor. "Protection detail."

She moved into his space, her hands gently coaxing his face up. The explanation for his demeanor lay heavy in his pained green eyes, but Ziva already knew what he was thinking. "It will not be like the last time ahava, ani mavti'kha. We will keep this one safe." I promise.

Tony nodded blankly and Ziva became aware that his self-confidence had never really recovered after losing Jenny. He reached past her and turned the elevator back on. "We better hurry."

Their stop at home was meant to be in and out, but just as he put his hand on the door, Meira wandered out of the spare room and Tony dropped to one knee to pet her. "Hi girl." He looked up at Ziva. "I almost forgot about her."

"Me too." She scratched under the dog's chin. "This is the first time we've had to worry about more than ourselves for an away case."

Checking his watch, Tony was relieved to find it lunch hour for grade school kids and dialed a familiar number. When his friend picked up, he grinned. "Hey Swish, you and Peter Pan interested in extra company tonight?" He chuckled at whatever was said. "Sorry, just our dog. Zi and I will be gone a couple days with work. Think Cody will be okay with a temporary roommate?" Brent obviously answered in the affirmative and Tony sighed with relief. "Thanks man. That's two I owe you now. Yes, I am keeping track." He glanced back at his wife. "You can be bribed with Ziva's baking, huh? We'll keep that in mind. Later."

He rubbed Meira's back. "Be good. We'll see you in a couple days." Brent would swing by with Ryan after school to pick her up. Everyone in the group knew where their spare key was in case of emergency, but it hadn't been needed until now.

Ziva bent to kiss her dog's muzzle. "Shalom," she murmured as the door closed behind them.

Arriving at the airport with an hour before their flight left, the couple passed time sitting close together on one and a half mildly uncomfortable chairs and read over the case details McGee had emailed to their phones. Then, because no one was watching and Ziva was sure he needed it, she snuggled against her husband's side and let her warmth and presence soothe the anxiety in his soul.

The boarding call finally came just before noon and Tony and Ziva found their seats on the right side near the back of the plane. Preferring to sit on the outside so she would be protected, Tony gestured for his wife to take the window seat. Leaving him to his thoughts, morose as they might be, Ziva pulled, out an old copy of The Little Prince in French, slid her fingers between his, and got lost in the well-known story of a desert stranded pilot and a young prince new to Earth as the plane slowly filled up and they eventually got underway. For awhile Tony let himself be absorbed by the movie playing on the screen at the front, but after an hour he was done with that form of entertainment. In this particular state of mind, few things held his attention easily.

Catching sight of the cover of Ziva's book, which was now nearing its end, Tony leaned over and whispered, "Tu deviens responsable pour toujours de ce que tu as apprivoisé." You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.

She glanced up with a smile so full of love it nearly took his breath away. "J'en savais pas que vous parliez si bien le français." I did not know you spoke French so well.

He chuckled. "I know the important stuff. Tu es la lumière de mon coeur." You are the light of my heart.

Ziva repressed a smirk. "You have been on Google Translate again, yes?"

Tony frowned. "It doesn't sound nearly as romantic when you say it like that."

She moved close enough to kiss his cheek. "It is very romantic when you do it for me."

He waited until the last few pages were turned and nudged her knee. "Ever going to be sorry you tamed me?"

Ziva shook her head slowly. "No Tony. I will be forever thankful that you opened your heart to me that way. Our love has changed us both and I would not go back to before for all the time in the world."

That satisfied his curiosity enough that he was able to get back into the current movie and the one that followed. Four and a half hours into the flight Ziva was leaning against the side with one foot up, almost a third of the way through Les Miserables, which had appeared from her bag once she was done with the first. He envied her ability to be still and focus for so long. Tony shifted and stretched, already uncomfortable and only halfway through the flight. Though the contact had drifted during the hours that passed, some part of them had always been touching. Now he lay a hand on her leg, rubbing his thumb over the seam of her jeans.

Switching her attention from the book to him, Ziva eyed him warily. "I am not joining the mile high club with you."

Though her words were spoken quietly, his gaze still darted around to see who might've heard. His own response was just as hushed. "I wasn't thinking that!"

One of her eyebrows rose in disbelief. "You weren't? Not even a little?"

Tony's mouth opened and closed as he searched for the right answer. In the end he coughed and glanced at his shoes. "Well I...wasn't actually going to suggest it or anything."

"Smart man." She rolled her shoulders to ease the soreness that had developed and Tony confiscated her book, a silent plea for interaction. She sighed. "What time is it?"

He checked his watch. "Almost six. They should be serving dinner soon."

Ziva adjusted her position a little, tucking herself into the corner. "There is no such thing as good food on airplanes."

Tony gave her a small smile. "Well nothing compares to your cooking babe. Your tastebuds are spoiled after three years of not having to live off MRE's."

She did the math for the time difference between DC and Paris and leaned her head back. "I wish we did not have to arrive in the middle of the night."

He tugged her towards him. "Look at it this way - we get thirty-six hours to spend in the City of Love."

"Yes," Ziva answered softly, "there is that."

"I can't wait to get some pictures," Tony added, beginning to see good in their trip. "I haven't been out of the country since-" He cut himself off and went quiet and she couldn't tell if he was thinking of Israel, Somalia, or his time as Agent Afloat. He cleared his throat. "It's been awhile. And we've never been away together."

Ziva's hands slid over his chest, a caress meant to comfort. "We did promise a honeymoon someday."

Serious green eyes bored into hers. "This does not count Ziva, nothing work related ever will." He grasped her hands. "When I finally take you away it'll be something special, somewhere we've never been before."

She touched his face. "I did not know it was so important to you."

Tony wove his fingers into her hair. "Ziva DiNozzo, you are important to me. So is anything that has to do with us. We'll get a honeymoon someday, I promise. And it will be everything you deserve."

Ziva shook her head slightly, brushing her nose against his. "Everything we both deserve yakiri."

A stewardess interrupted the kiss about to happen and earned herself a dark look from Ziva, but she'd seen too many besotted couples who forgot they weren't alone on a plane full of other people and couldn't bring herself to care about the reaction. As predicted the meal left much to be desired and Tony only cared about the salted peanuts that came in tiny blue bags. He savoured each one instead of popping a whole handful in his mouth and Ziva wanted to ask why. She'd always been surprised by the careful way he ate nuts, almost like they were a favourite candy. But a text from McGee came through before she could get the question out and by the time supper was cleared away she'd forgotten all about it.

Nine o'clock found them with just over an hour of travel time left and both were beginning to feel the long day. Finally Tony moved the armrest out of the way and lay his seat back, nudging her down beside him. "Try to catch one of your bat naps sweetheart. A little is better than none."

She looked up, blinks already getting slower. "Will you?"

He kissed her forehead. "I'll do my best."

Closing her eyes, Ziva twisted and turned and tried to find a comfortable position. She ended up nearly plastered against him, her head on his chest, arm draped over his waist, and one bent leg resting on his lap. Tony wasn't about to complain when her lips grazed his neck before she settled completely and as soon as he thought he could get away with it he worked one hand under her shirt, splaying his fingers over the bare skin on her lower back. A man across the aisle looked over and grinned at him. Tony nodded, seeing the envy in his eyes. He knew he was a lucky guy.

They woke up groggy when a voice came through the speakers to inform passengers that the plane would soon begin its descent to Charles De Gulle airport, forty-five minutes of sleep not enough to feel anywhere near rested. Tony pecked Ziva's lips before sitting them up and she ran her fingers over her hair to make it presentable, though she did have an adorable crease from his shirt pressed into her cheek. She changed her watch to Paris time and looked out of the window to see their location, all the while feeling the loss of warmth from her husband's hand, now safely resting on his knee instead of nestled snugly under her top.

If Tony could see that in her dark gaze, he said nothing. For a very long week and a half he'd done his best to give her space and never let himself start anything that might lead to bedroom activities she clearly wasn't ready for yet, the night of his father's departure and the following therapy session still heavy on his mind. Still, it was nice to know she liked the way he couldn't help touching her and Tony was eternally grateful that of all things that hadn't been banned since the beginning.

The couple gathered their things and waited for the crowd to thin out before joining the line to exit the plane. It made Ziva smile at how tightly Tony held her hand, always looking beside or slightly behind him as they walked through the terminal to make sure he didn't lose her. Thankfully a four am arrival made the airport less busy than during the day, but by the time they made it through customs, hailed a cab, and got to their hotel it was coming up on five in the morning, which was eleven pm in DC and both Tony and Ziva were quite ready for bed.

At the concierge desk Ziva smiled faintly. "Réservations pour David et DiNozzo." Reservations for David and DiNozzo.

The man clicked a few keys and shook his head. "Je suis désolé madame, j'en vois qu'un seul sous DiNozzo." I'm sorry ma'am, I only have one for DiNozzo.

Her brow furrowed. "Une chambre?" One room?

He nodded. "Oui." Yes.

Ziva tapped her fingers on the counter. "Deux lits?" Two beds?

Again he answered in the negative. "Non madame. Une chambre, un lit." No ma'am. One room, one bed.

Her mouth opened a little, then she pressed her lips into a thin line and held out her hand for the key. "Bien." Fine.

Tony, who couldn't follow the conversation very well, waited until they found the elevators before speaking. "What was that all about?"

Ziva rubbed her forehead. "McGee only booked us one room...with one bed."

His eyes went wide. "Whoa. Budget cuts or do you think he knows something?"

"I would not put it past him and Abby to hack into the security footage and check on us. It could just be a joke to see how we react."

Tony laced his fingers between hers. "I don't care. If they're playing peeping Tom and Tammy, they can see us sharing a bed and cuddling. It'll give them something to speculate about, because you know they'll never ask us to our faces and odds are good they won't say anything to Gibbs either."

She leaned into him. "It should be natural by now to consider every angle, but thinking about each little thing is very tiring."

Tony left that alone because they'd talked about telling enough and he knew she needed time for that. It was months before her citizenship test and months more before he'd feel comfortable bringing it up again. For now he just wanted to crawl into bed and fall asleep with his wife. That became a very real possibility as soon as they got off on the right floor and found their room. Clothes were stripped out of and draped over the backs of chair and couch, pjs slipped into, teeth given a cursory brush, and then Tony and Ziva slid under the covers, assumed their favourite position nestled together back to front, and were drifting off before 'goodnight' even crossed their lips.

NCIS

Tuesday February 9

Tony's watch alarm went off at six am DC time and he fumbled for the button to silence it. Groaning, he snuggled back up to his wife and kissed her neck, feeling her stir. "S'ry babe," he slurred. "Forgot to turn it off."

Ziva blinked slowly, her body coming awake with a speed trained into it by Mossad and she stretched, squinting at the clock. The red numbers drove the last of the sleep from her mind and she rolled over, her lips brushing Tony's jaw. "It is noon in Paris my love, we must get up."

He scrunched his eyes closed and buried his face in the pillow, pulling her against him like a little boy with his favourite toy. Rolling her eyes, she reached over and pinched his side. Tony yelped and jumped away, glaring at her petulantly. "What was that for?"

An innocent expression claimed her face. "It is time to get up and now you are awake. An effective method, yes?"

"Not nearly as nice as the Sleeping Beauty routine," he grumbled, so Ziva curled her fingers around his shirt and brought his face down to hers, kissing him soundly. Tony got right into that and slid his hand down her side, but she prevented him from searching out her bare skin and smiled against his mouth. "Good morning Tony."

He grinned. "Morning beautiful. Or should I say, bonjour belle." He got out of bed and extended both hands to help her up. "Are you ready to see Paris with me?"

One eyebrow arched. "You will have to feed me first."

His own stomach growled and Tony rubbed it. "Good idea. I'm starving."

"You are always starving," Ziva retorted, heading to the bathroom.

"Try to save me some hot water ninja," he called through the door.

It opened a crack to his wife's disbelieving expression. "I am not the one who takes half an hour in the shower. You do not even have long hair to wash."

Tony crossed his arms. "I do some of my best thinking in there." She snorted and closed the door and Tony listened to the water run, wishing he was in there with her. But that would not help at all with his resolve to give her more time to heal before trying to renew their physical relationship, so it was best that they took turns.

Once Ziva and Tony were both clean and dressed, they walked downstairs hand in hand to partake in a very late French breakfast. Café au lait served in large bowls with slices of baguette smothered in jam, called tartines. On the side they enjoyed warm fruit compote and the ability to gaze at each other lovingly and share subtle, gentle touches with no watching eyes on them trying to discover what was going on. Afterwards Ziva called their witness to set at time to meet her at the embassy the next day and they headed out on the town.

Walking down the street holding hands with the foreign language flowing all around them was a surreal experience for Tony. He couldn't help but gape at all the sights and even though he'd been before, he never got enough. At one corner Ziva stopped and looked at him. "What would you like to see?"

Impulsively Tony leaned in and kissed her, curling one arm around her back and burying a hand in her loose curls. She pressed closer and her fingers found their way up his neck to toy with his hair. Intoxicated by the city and each other, the couple stood like that for an eternity of nanoseconds that rushed by with every heartbeat, every quick breath grabbed to draw the moment out longer, every slide and glide of lips over each other. When they finally parted Ziva's eyes flickered to his, then down, a becoming blush warming her cheeks. Tony's thumb caressed the skin behind her ear and he stole a quick glance around, but the people moving towards separate destinations spared no attention for them - young lovers were not a sight strange to the City of Love.

Her hand fell away and she tucked it into his elbow. "Is that something on your A Walk to Remember list - make out in a foreign city?"

Tony chuckled and twirled a lock of dark hair with his finger. "As if I need an excuse for making out with you Mrs. DiNozzo."

Her lips curved into a shy smile and she cleared her throat. "I know Paris quite well. Where do you want to go?"

He stared seriously into her gorgeous brown eyes. "Anywhere as long as I'm with you." Tony held his hand out. "You lead, I'll follow. Always," he added under his breath.

With a look of delight on her face, Ziva took his hand and pulled him with her through the crowd. Several blocks later they came to a grand old stone building with a huge steel and glass pyramid out front. "The Lourve," she said softly, then turned to him. "I know art museums are not your thing Tony but could we go in, just for a little while? It is filled with such beauty and history."

He nodded once. "That's fine. You're my thing Ziva, I'll go wherever you want."

The comment earned him a lingering touch of her lips to the corner of his mouth and Tony didn't mind when a little while became an hour and a half, he even found a couple paintings of Italy that gave him something to study while Ziva was absorbed by the works of Monet, Da Vinci, and Van Gogh. They toured the city afterwards, stopping to stare at and admire the incredible architecture and soak in the atmosphere of Paris.

In one small shop Tony spotted something she just had to have and dragged her in, dropping a beautiful, deep purple silk dress in her arms and pushing her towards the changeroom. Ziva tried it on for him and though she felt self-conscious by the amount of skin showing, she also liked the image reflected in the mirror. The back scooped between her shoulder blades, the front dipped modestly sweetheart style with little jewels sewn along the top, and the flowing skirt ended at her knees. The combined effect was startlingly elegant and with her hair down she looked and felt ready for a night out.

She peeked hesitantly through the curtain and Tony crooked his finger to draw her out. She did, with a smile, and spun around at his request. Tony had his credit card out before she could protest and pointed at a pair of strappy silver heels he knew would accentuate her great legs. While he felt a bit underdressed with no tie, Ziva rather liked the dark red dress shirt and black jeans he wore. Since she was the only one he had to please, Tony accepted the compliment and hailed a cab outside, mindful of the two degree temperature and his wife now sporting bare legs. He gave the address of a fancy restaurant near the Eiffel Tower that he'd researched earlier, and to Ziva's surprise a table was reserved and waiting when they got there.

The couple splurged on the meal - salad with sliced tomatoes and toasted goat cheese drizzled with a mustard based vinaigrette, main courses of fresh, boneless sauteed trout with a raspberry vinegar butter sauce, tarragon, parsley and shallots for Ziva, and bay scallops, prawns, snow peas and wild mushrooms over egg linguine with a garlic vermouth sauce for Tony. They sipped glasses of perfectly aged Cote du Rhone wine and shared a traditional creme brulee, after which Ziva declared herself stuffed and let her attention drift across the room as she brought the glass to her lips again. She'd had nothing to drink for months after coming home because of her physical condition and was glad that her first taste again was in Paris. She'd always adored French wine.

The soft music that had played throughout the evening enticed Tony to tug Ziva onto the dance floor once their plates were cleared and husband and wife spent a pleasurable half hour cocooned in each other's arms, swaying to the gentle strains of violin and piano and occasionally showing off their skills when it came to fancy footwork. The waiter, trusted with their camera for the last song, captured several beautiful, intimate moments of Tony and Ziva together and earned himself a generous tip.

Tony encouraged Ziva to change after and they began the walk to Paris's most famous monument, the dress store bag swinging from Tony's fingertips. They stopped on a bridge and Ziva's eyes searched his. "Are you nervous about tomorrow?"

He wrapped his hands around hers. "Yeah," he answered heavily. "But I learned my lesson last time Zi. One of us is with this witness every second. I'm not taking any chances."

"Of course." Her sincerity shone through. "Director Vance gave us this assignment, he would not have done so if he did not trust us. We are good at our jobs Tony, and I have great faith in our abilities as agents and our partnership. We will not let her down." The hug she offered reassured him as much as her words and Tony sighed into her hair, murmuring 'I love you' before they continued on their way.

The majesty of the Eiffel Tower lit up the sky and Tony couldn't resist another photo op to preserve the memory. They took an elevator to the third level observatory's upper platform, something he'd arranged tickets for earlier, and looked out over the city, each breath freezing in the cold air. "Ari and I were to meet in Paris," Ziva shared quietly, "after his innocence had been established in DC. He always found me here, when a mission was over." Tony moved behind her and slid his arms around her waist as she let the memories come. "Paris was special for us, the one place we could get away from our father and just be together." She leaned over and dropped her head into her hands. "He taught me everything Tony, and then he betrayed it all. I do not know how to reconcile my brother to the man who killed Kate. I do not want to remember him that way."

Scenes flashed in Tony's head - Kate jumping in front of Gibbs and taking a bullet, her laughter when he said good work, the warm spray of her blood hitting his face - but he pushed it away and nuzzled Ziva's neck. "Don't honey, don't start at the end to remember. Start in Israel where he taught you to climb trees and bandaged your knee when you fell and Eli said you were too old to cry. Start the day Tali was born and you watched him hold your baby sister and vow to always keep her safe. Start at the dance recitals he never missed, the hard parts of training he helped you through so Eli wouldn't know you were struggling. Start here, in Paris, where you always came to be close, to be normal, to feel alive. Start with all the good memories you have and remember Ari like that. Remember the brother you loved."

She shifted in his arms and kissed him, opened mouthed, with tears dripping onto his fingers holding her face. Her touch ignited a fire Tony had spent the last eleven trying to stamp out and while her cold hands searched out the warmth of his body under his heavy coat, he was focused solely on eliciting soft whimpers and breathy moans with every stroke of his tongue and each press of his lips to hers.

He trapped her between himself and the railing, his breath hot on her ear. "Please tell me you want this Ziva. I'll stop if I have to, but it won't be easy."

Ziva's only response was to gaze at him with eyes half-closed and cloaked in desire and lay claim to his mouth again. Impatience coursed through Tony and he groaned, grabbing her hand and practically dragging her to the elevator. They weren't alone on the ride down so he didn't push his luck, but just held his wife in front of him and flagged down the first cab he saw. On the way to their hotel Ziva's fingers wandered slowly up and down his leg while she left a trail of kisses on his neck and Tony had to force himself not to react. The last thing he wanted was to stop her. The driver winked at him when they got out and Tony could only hope he was about to get as lucky as it appeared.

The couple waited for an empty elevator in the hotel lobby and Ziva pulled her husband into one corner, letting his hands and lips wander, wondering how either had the presence of mind to hold onto the bag containing her dress and shoes. Clothes were sh ed with great urgency once they were safely locked in their room with the 'Do Not Disturb' sign firmly in place. It crossed Tony's mind that if Abby and McGee were watching, they were about to get quite a show. Down to black lacy undergarments, Ziva fell back on the bed and brought Tony with her, his deft, practiced fingers making the last scraps of material between them fall away.

There'd barely been a pause, no time to check again that this was okay since the making out began under a diamond scattered Paris sky and Tony didn't stop now, wasn't even sure he could after the way she'd responded to him. Ziva was fine with everything, enjoying touches and kisses, the intimate way his hands searched out each familiar plane of her body and desiring more, anticipating what was to come. But the moment they became one everything changed, like a switch had been flipped in her brain. It was the sensation again of being detatched from reality and though their years together let her continue to return Tony's kisses without a conscious thought, Ziva's hand stilled on his sides. She felt old and tired and used, worn out from what her captors had put her body through, stripped of any pleasure she had a right to, and her only conscious thought was Please, just get it over with.

In the haze of being with her the change took a minute to sink in, but gradually Tony realized Ziva had gone completely still and was wearing an expression of indifference, like what they were doing meant nothing to her at all. Concerned, he stopped and cupped her face. "Zi?" She all but flinched away from his touch and when her eyes opened he read there something he'd hoped never to see. She didn't want this, she wasn't enjoying the act, there was no emotion at all. When she realized he knew, Ziva turned her head to the side and Tony, hurt and deeply disappointed, even frustrated at the unexpected turn of events, moved away.

But he couldn't lie there in the same bed as his wife and got up, stalking to the bathroom. His body was crying out for release but as he sank to the floor in front of the shower, the only thing that mattered was the pain flowing from his heart, caused by the one person who was supposed to be his solace and safe place, not the reason for his distress. Outside the door Ziva was curled up facing the direction her husband had gone, eyes shut tightly, too numb for the tears needed to cleanse her soul of this night's darkness.

NCIS

It was more than an hour before Tony came back to bed, damp and warm and smelling of soap. The hours passed excruciatingly slowly while two people lay naked on separate sides, wrapped in creamy sheets as if ashamed of that state. Ziva swore she was awake for every tick of the clock between midnight and four am, her brain refusing shut off. It kept running back through every day of the four and a half months since she'd been rescued from captivity, cataloging Tony's patience, how he'd done everything he could think of to help her heal, pushing when needed and backing off when the situation called for it, always thinking of her above himself and his needs and desires. Tears finally began to collect and slide miserably down her cheeks, sorrow filling her heart for all the anguish she'd put her husband through. And now, after waiting so long, she couldn't even give him herself?

Ziva scrubbed the wetness away and clutched her necklace, rubbing her thumb lightly over the inscription that would always remind her of the second chance they'd been given. Her thoughts wandered back to the day, the realization that she had to start being present in life again, because both she and Tony deserved better than the shadow she'd become. Ziva knew now just as she had then that a decision had to be made. Before Somalia, before Michael and lies and broken trust, making love had been one of their favourite things to do. They'd ached for it, burned with a desire that could only be quenched by each other. She'd missed the strength of that connection right from the start, had longed for a time when she wouldn't be afraid, and now in the dark of early morning Ziva vowed that of all things she would not let Somalia rob she and Tony of this as well.

She turned her head towards her husband and found that his back was still to her. She knew she'd hurt him. He'd wanted so much to make each experience good for her, but whether pretending or being honest her actions still cut deeply. He deserved more. Not just a willing wife, but one who participated, who actively involved herself in their lovemaking, desiring his pleasure instead of being caught up in a web of memories and letting them rule. I will be involved, I will be present in our sex life, in every moment we are together, Ziva promised silently. I will.

Tony rolled to his back and sighed and she was quite sure he was finding it just as challenging to relax and fall asleep as she was. Several more minutes passed before Ziva could gather her courage, then she slid across the bed and straddled her husband, sitting with her knees on either side of him. Leaning over, she pressed herself against his chest, naked and vulnerable as she kissed his neck and whispered. "I am sorry Tony. There is nothing you are doing wrong. It is me and all the things in my head, all the damage left by them. But you deserve so much more than what I have been for you. I will do whatever it takes. I want this to be good for us too."

Tony sighed and reached up to rub his face. "I don't know how many more times I can ask or face your rejection Ziva. I'd rather wait longer until you're sure you're ready, instead of going through this every time." He blew out a breath. "It sucks that you don't enjoy sex the way you used to, and it's hard because I want so badly to share that with you again, but I'm really afraid we'll never get it back."

Ziva sat up and smoothed her palms over his cheeks. "So am I. But Tony, we have survived every challenge together. Surely this can be conquered as well." It shook her to the core that he could feel so hopeless. Tony had been her strength through everything, if he gave up now there would be no one to fight with her.

His hands finally settled on her hips, giving her the tiniest bit of hope, because something was always very wrong if he wasn't touching her. But his eyes were still closed, like he couldn't bear to have this conversation face to face. "What happens in your head when we have sex Ziva?"

She lay down on his chest again just to be close, encouraged when his hands slid up and down her bare back in a slow caress. "I am not sure. It is as if I am separated from my body, not attached to what is happening, and everything I liked before...before you...have me," Ziva stumbled over the words, embarrassed, "is just gone and I only want it to be done."

Tony's lips brushed her temple. "Sounds like a defense mechanism to me. A way to shield yourself from all those men, from the violence and shame and pain. If you weren't there, then you didn't have to feel or experience it. So," his arms tightened around her, "how do we turn that off when you're with me? There's no room for the desert in our bed Zi, it doesn't belong there."

"I know." Her words were quiet as she thought. "I think," she began, "that everything will need to happen very slowly for awhile. It was rarely done that way in the camp, only sometimes when they wanted my suffering more than their pleasure. When they used me it was fast and rough and...hurt." Ziva swallowed and tucked her face into his neck. "Nothing else, none of the tortures, hurt worse than when they invaded my body. And I could not make them stop." She shivered and Tony surrounded her with his body to protect her from the cold reality of that truth.

He nuzzled her hair. "So we start slow and we take it slow and we fill each action with our love so it is one hundred percent different than what you experienced. But we need a way for you to tell me when that's not working, a way to keep you in the moment instead of drifting away somewhere your mind thinks is safe." All at once he smiled and carefully moved her off of him. "I think I know just the thing." He got out of bed, dug around in his backpack, and came back with the little, pink, heart shaped lock that had followed them through so many difficult times. He placed it in her palm and curled her fingers over it. "Hold onto this honey, hold on hard. If you can't stay with me, let it go and I'll know. We can stop and talk or do whatever you need." Tony dropped his forehead to hers. "I just don't want to lose you any more."

Ziva nodded, blinking back tears, and raised her face for a kiss. That was how it began again, with Tony gently lowering her to the cool sheets and taking so long kissing her from head to toe that she was trembling and weak from needing him, wanting him, and unable to do the same back. He was so careful with her, treating her like a delicate flower, keeping their eyes locked so he knew that she wasn't mentally going away. For her part Ziva tried so hard to relax and let it happen. She squeezed the little lock tightly in her hand, determined that this time at least she would not need to let go.

In the end, even though she had yet to feel the rush of pleasure that would eventually flood her veins, Ziva still smiled and kissed her husband, feeling the tiniest amount of pride that she had made it through and stayed involved. If she could do it once, she could do it again and that infused her with the courage she would need when he asked her next. This time when they lay down to fall asleep Ziva was cradled in Tony's arms, his breath a familiar comfort on her neck, with nothing between them but relief.

Replies:

Kmf - I'm glad you enjoyed it. haha...yeah, Tony does act like a kid sometimes, but the comic relief is nice to have. I'm glad they had so much fun, they really needed that. I know, it's really hard to wait, but trust me when I tell you that I think the big reveal in Part 7 will be worth it ;) I think Z really undervalues herself, she's so caught up in what feels like failures that it's hard for her to see how far she's come. Luckily she has an adoring husband to help with that. I think he can handle the job. Thanks for reviewing! :) ~Aliyah

Sarah - you're welcome :) Thanks. Me too, they needed a bit of fun. Yeah, I don't know if talking will ever fix things for CJ, but Brent proving that he's the guy to stick around and prove all her fears wrong? That will be worth everything. As much fun as that conversation in therapy wasn't, it definitely needed to be had. Hopefully she'll be able to be honest with him should that happen again. Thanks for reviewing! :)

Christie - you're welcome :) Okay, thanks for the clarification. I mean, I get that T&Z are what everyone is really reading for so I'm not offended or anything. The OCs are more for me than anyone else, except for the fact that they add some fullness to T&Z's life. Friendships are so important, as is having people around you who have known you for so long and know you well. My best friend and I just recently hit 13 years and it's really neat to have that much history. I imagine Tony and the others appreciate it as much as I do. That would be awesome if your great-niece got to experience something like this. That's really nice of you to say. Emotion is my big things, one of my ultimate goals, so if I can make you feel something then I feel like I did a good job. I'll admit that sometimes I get in over my head and my moods end up reflecting that of the characters' - since they're all living in my head it's very easy to be down if they are, or feel frustrated if they're struggling etc. Kind of a strange way to live but I wouldn't trade it for the world. Except I do end up sounding kind of ridiculous trying to explain to someone that I'm in a bad mood because one of my fictional characters is going through a rough patch :P I'm very glad to have you reading, thanks again for a lovely review. They always make me smile :) ~Aliyah