Thanks to my super-brave friend who is reading this story before I post it. Your help is priceless. Thank you so much.
No Chains Holding Me
Chapter 26: Bravery
A hand shot out from under the electric blanket and groped blindly for the loudly ringing cell phone. Finally getting it, Gibbs pulled his hand back under the covers, flipped the phone open and pressed it to his ear, already dreading this conversation.
"…the hell?" Tony mumbled, snuggled into Jethro's side.
"Yeah, Gibbs." Gibbs was quiet for a long while, listening to the speaker on the other end. He was quiet long enough that Tony managed to almost drift back to sleep before Gibbs spoke again, his voice sharper this time. "With all due respect, Sir, I have the time on the books."
Tony lifted his head. This didn't sound good. The look on Jethro's face didn't look good either. He remained quiet, but was now paying very close attention to the phone call.
"I am not really concerned with what the SecNav wants, Tom," Gibbs said. Tony thought he sounded almost like he was whining. "I have been out on leave for a family emergency!" There was another long pause before Gibbs spoke again, his face turning red. "Tony is my family. Half days. Starting after the first. And I leave if I'm needed elsewhere, case or not." He snapped the phone shut.
Tony sat up on the side of the bed and Jethro sighed. "Come back to bed Sweetheart," he said softly.
Tony shook his head and stood up. "I can't sleep anymore," he said quietly, walking to the window.
Outside the world looked like a winter wonderland. Ice crystals clung to the trees and light wires. There was snow on the ground, some of it shoveled into large piles, while still covering the entire ground with its peaceful blanket of white. It was December 30, the day before New Year's Eve. Tony pressed his hand and forehead to the cold glass window and sighed, closing his eyes. "I don't know if I can do this," he said softly, almost to himself.
Jethro slid out of bed and walked up behind him. He wrapped his arms loosely around Tony's waist, pleased that the younger man didn't even flinch at his touch. "I can tell 'em to stick it up their asses if you want—all you gotta do is give me the word. Don't care much who I piss off. I have the time, I can take it if you need me."
"NO!" Tony turned around, his face fierce and full of determination. "You can't say that! You have to keep your job! You love your job! I can't…I can't be responsible for you not working…"
Gibbs raised his hands and rested them lightly on Tony's shoulders. "I do love my job," he said softly. He looked right into Tony's eyes. "But I love you more than I love NCIS. If you need me, then you'll get me. They'll deal. The SecNav can kiss my ass for all I care."
Tony stared at him for a long moment. "I love you too," he breathed finally, wrapping his arms around Gibbs' waist. "I dunno…I dunno how this'll work…do you think…can we maybe work our way up? I mean I don't think I can just jump into it all at once, ya know? I haven't been by myself since…and it's…it's my fault…I just have to suck it up…but…I'm trying ya know?" his voice was shaking terribly. "And what happens if I can't come back to work? How long will it be before I get that same phone call? Gibbs I'm not ready to go back to work yet! I'm not—I want to—but I'm not ready yet—I can't handle that…I'm so sorry…I know you're going to need me there, but I just—I can't—" an unexpected sob escaped and Tony slapped a hand over his mouth. "Oh God," he breathed, trembling from head to foot. "Oh God…"
They had an appointment with Cheryl for later on in the afternoon, so Gibbs didn't want to just immediately call her. But he needed to figure out some way to get Tony calmed down and distracted. "What if we set up a meeting with the director before I go back to work?"
"What if…do you think…I don't even know if it would work…do you think the director would be willing to meet with us and Cheryl? Do you think she could explain it better?"
"I think that's a great idea," Gibbs said with a gentle smile. "We'll ask her this afternoon." Tony nodded. The younger man's stomach suddenly growled, and Jethro's smile widened. "Hungry?"
"Kinda," Tony whispered.
Gibbs nodded. Tony had been making so much progress—could eat soft or light foods on days when he was feeling good and calm, and most of the time on days he wasn't calm was still able to keep sipping on the chocolate drink Gibbs had found for him. He was feeling better now that he'd started eating again…didn't feel so tired all the time, didn't feel so achy or sluggish…but this…this had the potential to set it all back to square one and it worried the older man tremendously.
"Let's get something to eat then," Gibbs suggested gently. He started towards the door and stopped when Tony grabbed his wrist gently.
"Thank you," he whispered.
Gibbs let a half smile fill his features. "You don't have to thank me," he said softly, his cheeks turning pink.
"No, you're wrong, I do have to thank you," Tony said. "Thank you for listening to me and not thinking I'm overreacting with all of this."
Gibbs grabbed Tony's hands gently. "You are not overreacting," he insisted. "We don't know the rules here; so all we can do is take it one step at a time."
Tony nodded. "You're right," he whispered. "You're right."
"So. Eat. Shower. Cheryl," Gibbs said.
Tony nodded again, squeezing Gibbs' hand. "Just don't let go, ok?" he whispered.
Gibbs lifted their joined hands and pressed a gentle kiss to Tony's knuckles. "The president himself couldn't make me let you go," he promised softly.
xxx
The director called two more times after that first round that morning, barking and fussing, not wanting to negotiate the work schedule past its usual "come in early and stay til it's done" hours. By the time Tony and Gibbs reached Cheryl's office for their two o'clock appointment, Tony was a bundle of nerves. He'd thrown up twice, yelled at Jethro more than that, nearly lost his own job when he got on the phone with the Director, and had finally locked himself in the bathroom off the master bedroom after losing his lunch, telling Gibbs through the door that he'd just stay in the bathroom until it was time to leave. That way he wouldn't yell at him anymore, and he wouldn't have to hear anymore arguing between the director and the MCRT team leader.
Cheryl could sense the tension the instant the two men walked through the door. Curious, she thought, because in the last couple of weeks—especially around Christmas—they'd made so much progress together. She wondered what was up between them, but found she didn't have to wait long. Tony began to rant as soon as she shut the door.
"The director wants Gibbs to come back to work on January 2nd," he snapped. "Gibbs and I have both spoken with Director Morrow about it, asking questions, making suggestions, and he's not open to hearing any of it. It's like he thinks I'm making all this shit up somehow. I don't know what's in his fucking head, but seriously he's about to make me feel crazier than I already do—and that's pretty damn crazy!"
Jethro sat on the couch moodily, not responding at all to Tony's anger. From the looks of it, he'd been on the receiving end of things all morning long.
"Gibbs how's it going? What's inside your head?" Cheryl asked softly.
"I don't think I'm ready to go back to work yet," Gibbs said softly. "But the director is insisting. There is some investigation that the SecNav needs me to head up and he isn't backing down. He knows I've been out with Tony—and honestly would like to have Tony back as well—but he knows he can't push that until all of his doctors have given their consent for him to return to work. But he's insisting that I return to work. He wanted me there today and I told him that I would be back after the start of the new year. I also told him I only want to work half days, but he refused that. Told me I would be back 100% as of the second of January. Told me I was lucky I'd been let off work for this long. I have the time on the books. And it isn't like I've been sailing around on the damn boat," Gibbs snapped, working himself up into as angry a state as Tony was in.
"Why don't you think you are ready to go back to work?" Cheryl kept her voice soft. She was disappointed to hear that the agency director was giving them such a difficult time.
"I just…" Gibbs sighed. "I'm not ready to leave Tony yet. I think he can handle it better than he thinks, but I get so nervous when I'm not with him."
"Understandable," Cheryl pointed out. "Tony was the victim of a violent crime and was forced to take his attacker's life in order to survive." She ignored the flinch from Tony when she spoke so matter-of-factly.
Cheryl turned to Tony. "Tony, tell me what you're thinking."
"I'm thinking that I don't want to be the reason that Jethro leaves NCIS," Tony said, staring at his lap, "but I also am not sure I'm ready for him to leave me yet either. I suggested to the director that Jethro work his way back in slow—to give me a chance to get used to being on my own a bit, you know," he continued. Tony shrugged sadly, "but he wasn't open to the idea at all."
"Tom's a good guy," Jethro said softly. "But he's getting a ton of pressure from up above him and I know that. I initially told him that I'd be back half days after the first or nothing…right now it's leaning more towards nothing. And I will pursue legal action with them if necessary," Jethro stated firmly.
"Ok ok," Cheryl said softly. "Let's not lose our rationality." She thought for a moment. "I will contact your director. Since both of you are under my care, it will be up to me to decide when either or both of you are ready to return to work. If they are not able to accommodate you under the parameters I will express, then I won't be able to sign off on either of you returning to work and the SecNav will answer to ME if he has a problem with it. If he's in charge of managing the Navy, it would behoove him to listen to me when I tell him you two aren't ready to help him do that yet."
Cheryl pushed herself up in her seat a bit and flung her graying braid over her shoulder. "Now. In the meantime, I want to do two things. I want to check on how you're both doing with your goals, and I would like for us to make a contingency plan for what happens if SecNav insists you have to go back to work Gibbs. But I really don't think that will be necessary."
The two men nodded.
"Tony why don't you head out into the waiting area and I will work with Gibbs for a bit, and once he's done we'll have your turn, and after that we'll get the two of you back together. Agreeable?"
Tony nodded and with a final squeeze to Jethro's hand, turned and left the room. The instant the door closed, Gibbs cut his eyes at Cheryl. "I don't see how I'm not going to go back to work on January 2nd," he said. "The director told me a bit about the case…it's one I really am needed to help. There's an assassin…we think he might be a double agent, but we aren't sure…point is, they really do need my help."
Cheryl blinked. Had Gibbs been putting on a show for Tony's benefit? "Gibbs I have to ask you about your honesty," she said softly. "I understand if you're trying to protect Tony, but if you are saying they really need your help, and then you turn around and tell me that you're willing to pursue legal action against the agency if they make you come back…I'm not sure which direction I'm supposed to be moving in. Help me out."
Gibbs let out a long breath and stood up, pacing the length of the room and coming back before he began to speak. "I'm not being dishonest, and I don't know which direction to move in," he finally said. "I know that work needs me—they've needed me for a month now. But Tony is…he's my world ya know? And I have to be there for him. I just…am not sure what I'm supposed to be doing? Am I hurting him more by not letting him out of my sight? Am I keeping him from getting better? Or am I making him more dependent on me?"
"I don't think so," Cheryl said gently. "After all, Tony's track record for disappearing acts isn't going to help him much when it comes to his stability to be left at home alone."
Gibbs chuckled sadly and nodded. In the few times Gibbs had left Tony alone, most of them he'd pulled a runner, disappearing for some reason and eventually needing help to get back to his tenuous place of stability.
"What would you do?" Gibbs asked softly.
"If it was me?" Cheryl responded quietly. Gibbs nodded and she thought for a moment. How would she handle this? "I think I would get my psychologist to get in touch with the Director of NCIS and the SecNav and I think I would have her explain the need to gradually build up the hours that I work. That I would need the ability to work from home some days, and that I absolutely must not miss my appointments. I think that way you would be giving Tony some independence—give him the ability to feel it out and see how he does with it…and if it doesn't work then we'll reevaluate it. If he has a doctor's appointment or if you both have appointments with me, then I see no reason why you shouldn't be able to work from home on those days. You can do internet searches and make phone calls just as easily from home as you can from the office, right?"
Jethro nodded. Cheryl smiled. "I know you want to do both Gibbs. This is the best way that I know to help you do that."
"I just feel bad," Gibbs said softly, rubbing his hands over his face. "Why do I have this desire to go back to work—to move life on, to move forward, to get back to normal…and how do I do that without hurting the person in this world that I…" he swallowed hard, "that I love more than anything or anyone else…how do I leave him behind?"
"You don't leave him behind!" Cheryl's voice was sharp. "Absolutely do not leave him behind. You move forward together, at a pace you are both comfortable with. You aren't selfish for wanting things back to normal Gibbs. I'd be worried if you weren't wanting that. But you've got to remember that Tony wants that just as much if not more than you do."
Gibbs let out a long breath and nodded. They talked a while longer, Gibbs telling Cheryl all about the progress that Tony had made over the Christmas holidays. He told her about his ability to sleep under the covers with him, and how much more he was being allowed into his partner's personal space. He was eating better and had actually ridden in the front seat a time or two without completely freaking out. If they were traveling more than a couple of blocks, Tony preferred to ride in the back, but if they were just shooting down to the coffee shop or the grocery store then he was trying to ride up front. And it made Gibbs proud to see his progress. Cheryl noted the progress on their goals and smiled.
It wasn't long before Gibbs' hour was up and he stepped to the waiting room with Cheryl in tow to get Tony. When they opened the door, Gibbs immediately frowned—not at what he saw, but at what he did not see. Where was Tony? He looked around, gut tightening into a knot when suddenly Cheryl let out a soft sound from behind him. Gibbs turned and looked, and there, facing the door, backed into the corner, sitting in the floor was Tony. He'd managed to doze off, his head on his arms, and his knees tucked up to his chest.
"Be…be gentle when you wake him," he told Cheryl. "Say his name before you touch him. Helps him not freak out so bad."
Cheryl smiled and nodded. "Tony," she called softly. She laid a gentle hand on his arm, and quickly removed it when he flinched hard. "Wake up Tony," she said again, a bit louder. "Come on, it's your turn to come talk to me."
"Sorry," Tony mumbled, hurrying to his feet. "Didn't mean to…what time is it?"
"Nearly 3:30," Cheryl said softly. "Gibbs' hour is up. It's your turn. Come on."
Gibbs put a steadying hand under Tony's elbow when he stumbled slightly. "You ok?"
"My foot's asleep," Tony mumbled softly, shaking the offending foot. "Shit I didn't mean to fall asleep."
"You needed it," Gibbs said gently. "We got an…unexpected early start this morning. Go on and see Cheryl ok?"
Tony smiled at him. "I'll see you in a bit."
Gibbs smiled and nodded and watched his younger lover follow Cheryl back down the hall. Then he let out a long breath, flopped down into a chair and picked up a magazine. This mess was going to be the death of him. He felt sure of it.
xxx
"So Tony," Cheryl said, once they were settled. "Gibbs tells me you're making some exciting progress."
"Yeah," Tony said softly, eyes on his lap again. "I'm doing pretty good this week. I even slept under the covers with Gibbs."
"I know that's what he told me. And last week you and him were able to have a bit of intimacy, which is excellent," she praised him. Then she looked at him and narrowed her eyes for a bit. "What's bothering you? Talk to me Tony."
Tony shrugged. "I just…feel like he's put his whole life on hold for me. He's a brilliant investigator—I have no doubts that SecNav wouldn't have made such a stink about this case if he really didn't need Gibbs there. It must be big because he's insisting on Gibbs coming in, and everyone knows Gibbs is the best."
"Tony he wouldn't put his life on hold for you if he did not love you," Cheryl said. "He wants to be there for you."
"He wants to go back to work too though," Tony said softly. "I can see it in his eyes. He tells me he doesn't want to go back, but he does. And it's because of me that he isn't." Tony looked up at her. "I don't know what I should do," he said softly.
"What would you like to see happen?" Cheryl asked gently. "In your ideal world—if you could snap your fingers and make things happen—what would you like to see happen?"
Tony was quiet for a very long time. Cheryl glanced at her watch and then back to him. Just before she was about to speak again, he began to talk softly.
"If I could snap my fingers, we'd go back a month and I'd do a whole lot of things differently," Tony said softly. "But if I could only change the outcomes…" he looked to the window. "I want Gibbs to go back to work," he said softly. "Because he needs that—he needs something to distract him and he needs something to work on—because Gibbs with nothing to do gets really hard to be around," he smiled sadly. "But I don't think I can handle him being gone all day. And even when it's just NCIS he'd be going to…I know I'll worry about him if he's there and I'm not. But I can't…I'm not…I can't go back to work yet," Tony said.
"No you aren't ready," Cheryl agreed. "So you'd like to see Gibbs get to go back to work."
"Yes," Tony whispered. "Maybe only half days though? Something…I need to know he's still there. I just…I get…" he gasped for air suddenly.
"You're doing just fine," she said soothingly. "Take some deep breaths and just listen to my voice as you calm back down. Take a deep breath in through your nose," Tony sucked in air, "and then blow it out slowly through gently pursed lips." She instructed him to do this a couple of times before he started to calm down.
"I get so scared," Tony whispered, one hand going to his hair. "I don't know why though! They're…they're dead. They can't hurt me anymore. But I just…I feel like…it's like I can't breathe or something whenever…" he sighed, "Whenever Gibbs leaves me I feel like I'm just as alone as I was that night in the cabin."
Cheryl nodded, but she got the feeling there was more to it than this. "Tony did you ever experience fears like this before you were raped?" She knew she was likely going to step into something deep and dark here and she wasn't sure Tony wanted to, but figured it was important.
"Yes," Tony bit out softly.
"Can you tell me about that?" Cheryl asked gently.
Tony crossed his arms. "I don't want to talk about it," he snapped.
Cheryl raised an eyebrow. "But we need to get to the bottom of this," she continued in her gentle tone.
Tony's face flushed with anger. "You remember that first day we were in here? I told you I wasn't going to talk to you about my past or my parents. So forget it!"
"Well I guess we're finished then," Cheryl said firmly, slamming her folder shut. "Because if you won't talk to me then I can't help you." She stood up and walked to the door.
Not surprisingly to Cheryl, Tony panicked. "Wait. Wait." He sighed. "Ok. Fine. I'll tell you about it dammit. Just…come sit back down. Please?"
Cheryl raised an eyebrow but moved back to her chair. She patiently reopened her folder and took her pen out of her hair. "I'm ready when you are Tony. The more you tell me the better I can help you, but just do the best you can, alright?"
Tony nodded and was quiet for a long moment. "Can we get Gibbs to come in?" he finally asked softly.
To his dismay, Cheryl shook her head. "No I think you can tell me about this on your own, Tony. We're working on getting you more independent, right?"
Tony nodded, a frown on his face.
"Then let's start without Gibbs. If it gets too hard, then we'll get him ok? But let's at least try."
"Fine," Tony said resignedly.
Cheryl smiled reassuringly. "I'm very proud of you Tony. You're being very brave."
"I'm being very badgered," he snarked back.
"You're being…encouraged to go in a specific direction," Cheryl said.
"Badgered," Tony said.
"Semantics," Cheryl said with a smile.
"Point," Tony said.
"Now talk to me," Cheryl said, "and quit avoiding the topic."
Tony sighed. "Ok. So um…I guess…I started having issues with uh…with people leaving me…er, with being alone…" he ran his hand through his hair. "I never told anyone about this," he said softly.
"You are safe here," Cheryl said. "And you can trust me. It's just you and me in here. Tell me what you can and we'll work out the rest."
"I was four," Tony whispered softly. His hands were steepled in front of his face and he was gazing at a point beyond Cheryl's feet—somewhere far, far away. "I was so excited…we were going on a big trip! My f-father…he was in Italy on business. We were going to meet him."
"Sounds lovely," Cheryl said softly. "Italy is a beautiful place. What happened?"
"We went to the airport," Tony said, his voice soft and almost sounding disconnected. Flat. "It was just me and my mother. I was so excited. I'd never flown before. Well. Not that I could remember. All I knew is I was so excited."
Cheryl smiled, but she knew this story likely didn't have a happy ending. "Go on Tony," she said gently. "You're doing great."
"I um…I stopped at a window…there was a big jet plane coming in…I hadn't ever seen one so close up before, and I was watching it land. And I turned around after it was gone…and…" Tony's voice cracked on his words.
"Tony? Stay with me. Do you need a break?"
Tony shook his head, and ran a shaky hand through his hair. "N-no…no break…I'm good…I um…I turned around. And my mother. She was gone. She'd left me standing at the window. When I turned around I was all alone in the middle of LaGuardia airport."
Cheryl's eyes widened, but she managed to swallow the comment before it slipped between her lips. "What did you do?"
Tony snorted. "What does any four year old kid do when they're scared and want their mother?"
"Cry," Cheryl said softly.
"Ah yes," Tony said. "But DiNozzos don't cry. So I went with plan B. I went to find a police officer. But before I could, this woman called my name out, and she grabbed me and started running me towards the entrance to the airport. I tried to tell her that I needed to find my mommy and that I needed to get on the plane, but she didn't listen to me. She put me in the backseat of the car and told me to quit crying—because by then I was even more scared and was crying then."
Tony ran a hand through his hair and was quiet for a long time. "What happened next Tony? Where'd she take you?"
"She took me back home," Tony said, relief still evident in his voice after all these years. "Turns out she was in my mother's bridge club and she saw mother getting on the plane and saw me standing there watching the tarmac. She figured I'd been left, and thought it'd be safer to take me home. Of course my mother didn't realize until she was halfway over the ocean that she'd left me. She called home once she landed and the cook told her that Mrs. Jameson had brought me home. When they got back…I got um…punished…for missing the plane."
"How did they punish you? Who punished you?"
Tony blinked and then smiled, coming back to the present from the memory. "'nother story for another day Doc," he said.
Cheryl raised an eyebrow at him. There were definitely some deeper issues here, but he'd answered her question. He'd told her where his fear of being alone started. To push any more would be counter-productive today. She glanced at her watch. "We've got a few more minutes," she said softly. "Is there anything else you want to talk about before I get Gibbs back in here?"
"I just um…Don't tell him about that…I'm not ready to get into my whole life history with him…and I know him, he won't drop it. I just…can't go there right now," Tony said. "I will one day, but I can't yet."
"Fair enough," Cheryl said. "If there's nothing else, then I'll get Gibbs. You can take a minute and stretch, get a cup of coffee or something, whatever you like."
Tony nodded.
Several minutes later, everyone was back in Cheryl's room. Tony was sitting very close to Gibbs, needing the reassuring warmth of the man to chase away the chill of the memory from minutes before. Gibbs, sensing that Tony needed the reassurance, but not sure why, wrapped his arm protectively around his shoulders, pulling him even closer.
"Alright," Cheryl said. "I've spoken with you both, and what I'm hearing from both of you is that Jethro needs to return to work. But I'm going to speak with your Director, and if necessary, with the Secretary of the Navy, to make sure they understand that we will be doing this on your terms. Tony would like you with him some during the day Jethro. Is that agreeable to you?"
Gibbs nodded. "Absolutely. How can we make that work?"
"I am going to release you to work three mornings a week for a month. You will work 0800 until noon and then you will go home. You can work from home in the afternoons if you need to, but with the winter still here, it gets dark early, and Tony I think you would benefit from having Gibbs home by the time it's dark, don't you?"
Tony nodded.
"And what I will then do, is schedule our appointments for the afternoons, rather than the mornings, or on days when you are not working, Gibbs. We'll do that unless something unforeseen arises, in which case we will deal with that as the need arises. Agreeable?"
"Yes," they both said softly.
xxx
Once Tony and Jethro had taken off for home, Cheryl got on the phone. She phoned the director of NCIS and introduced herself as the psychologist attending to Gibbs and DiNozzo. The director sounded uncomfortable at this, and told her that he hadn't known Gibbs was seeing a psychologist.
"I think it would be very wise for you, the SecNav and I to have a little meeting," Cheryl told him. "It's about the mental health of two of your agents. It's vitally important—both to your agency and their health, that we have this meeting. I want to meet at my office tomorrow morning at 9am."
Tom Morrow sputtered and hemhawed trying to figure a way to get the SecNav to agree to such a thing. "Um what if the SecNav can't attend?" he asked. "Would it be alright if I came alone?"
"No," Cheryl said. "He'll be there. Because until we have this meeting, Gibbs and DiNozzo won't be returning to NCIS. I refuse to sign off on them returning to work."
TBC…