Chapter Twenty-Five (Michael POV)

"You're back."

I don't acknowledge the derisive undertone in Lorena's observation as she approaches me but instead shift to my feet respectfully and issue her a cordial "hello." She must be surprised by my geniality because she falters a step. And then, further to my surprise this time, her icy façade drops away, leaving an expression of soft uncertainty beneath as she returns my greeting. It's a cautious start to our visit but a promising one at least.

"Why are you here, Michael?" she asks me after sliding into her chair. I follow her lead and sit as well. "I didn't think I'd see you again after the last time."

"Me either," I murmur, "But then I heard that you had agreed to testify against Sin Rostro and…"

"And?" she prompts when I fall silent.

"I wanted to thank you in person," I whisper sincerely, "I know what it must cost you to agree to that."

"Working for her has cost me much more," she replies and I get the impression that she is talking about much more than her freedom.

"Why are you doing it? Why put yourself at risk?"

"You lost more than a year of your life because I've been too afraid to stand up to her," Lorena murmurs, "I can't change what happened before I came into the picture but after that… I…I want to make that up to you somehow."

I glance down at the weathered surface of the table, my jaw tight. "You can't. That time that I lost is gone forever. I have to move forward now."

"This isn't what I wanted."

"No, you wanted to cover your ass. You wanted me to never find out that you were helping Sin Rostro."

"It wasn't like that!" But she drops her eyes even as she makes the denial so I know I'm not too far off the mark with the accusation.

I challenge her further. "Wasn't it? You had opportunity after opportunity to tell me the truth, Lorie. We talked every day. I came to see you and not one word."

"I thought about it," she chokes, "I thought about it every day."

"You know what they say about good intentions. And the bottom line is, you aided and abetted the people who kidnapped me. For all I know, you were in on it too."

"I didn't have anything to do with your kidnapping," she informs me avidly, "That happened way before I ever knew you existed! I need you to know that wasn't me. You had been with Tim and Ralph more than three years by the time I came along."

"And you never knew about me before that?"

"No! And even after I started coming regularly to take care of you, I didn't learn your full story until I was six months into the job! I didn't even know what happened to your brother until you called and told me! Her only order was that I get you to trust me. That was it."

"And you succeeded."

"Yeah but I also fell in love with you and that wasn't part of the plan."

"Poor Lorena. A henchman with a heart." I punctuate that statement with a round of mock applause. "Please drop this poor, put upon act you're pulling. You chose this! You had all the answers and you kept them from me."

"I was trying to protect my brother and you. Don't you think that Sin Rostro had someone watching our every move? She would have killed me. And then what would have happened to you? Who would have taken care of you? Maybe she would have killed you too."

"I don't buy it, Lorena," I scoff a little scornfully, "This whole time you've been telling me how important it was to Sin Rostro that I stay alive. You weren't worried about me! You were worried about yourself. You kept feeding me lies on her orders and you sent me back here on her orders too. Just cop to that." She doesn't reply to that or, thankfully, attempt to make any more excuses for herself. "So what really did happen before my amnesia?" I ask, feeling rather detached, "Since I know now that you didn't find me lifeless in a ditch."

"I found you lifeless in your cell instead," she explains flatly, "We had no choice but to transport you to the hospital because I couldn't help you on my own. When Sin Rostro learned what happened, she was livid and we all knew that she would kill us if you died."

"So you flipped on Tim and Ralph to save your own skin," I surmise softly.

"To save yours too, Michael," she insists, "I got you out of that cage, didn't I?"

"If that's what you need to tell yourself to sleep at night."

"Maybe my motives weren't the best but you were able to come home because of what I did."

"Yeah, to kill Rafael Solano and spend the rest of my natural life behind bars for murder!"

"I knew you weren't going to kill him." I snort in disbelief at that baseless avowal but Lorena persists in arguing her point. "Why do you think you were in such lousy shape? They spent more than four years trying to twist your head around about that man and fill you with hate but you never broke."

"Obviously I did or what went down with him the day of my brother's funeral would not have happened."

Her eyes skitter away in guilty acknowledgment. "That was a surprise. I wasn't expecting that."

I grunt at her response. "Really? I was thinking you probably had a trigger word that set me off that day."

She stares at me aghast and, for a moment, she appears genuinely hurt that I would believe that. "No, Michael! Is that really what you think of me now?"

"To be honest, I don't think much of you at all but, that's not the point. I want the truth."

"The truth?" she echoes tightly, "Okay. The truth is, I honestly thought I had everything under control. I was going to tell you the truth. When everything with you and Jane fell apart and you came back to me, I was going to tell you everything."

"Please tell me you weren't actually that delusional…" I groan.

"You asked for the truth and I gave it to you! I was waiting for the right time."

"Well, evidently the right time never came and now we can't ever go back."

"But it all worked out the end," she says with a note of bitterness, "I'm behind bars and you got the girl."

The tacit mention of Jane instantly shuts down whatever remaining desire I had to give her the benefit of the doubt because I suspect she does it on purpose to disarm me. She knows that by saying it she's stirred up every insecurity I have regarding Jane's relationship with Rafael. While I've done a fine job lately of not thinking about her the past few weeks, every so often there are times, like now for instance, when the longing I have for her hits me like a punch in the face.

I remember the last time I had felt this vulnerable about Jane. The despair had actually compelled me to purchase her book off the supermarket shelf. That had been in the early days following the restraining order. She wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't even see me and I had been at my most desperate. When I spotted the title and her name emblazoned in white lettering above the stereotypical portrait of a romantic hero and heroine, I knew I was going to buy it even as I berated myself for being pathetic.

So, I read the book. I suppose I needed a reminder that Jane did at one time, indeed, love me in spite of her having placed her loyalty to Rafael above her feelings for me. I needed the reassurance that she had chosen me once before at least. After all, the book was a tribute to our relationship, a testimony to the love we shared. I had wanted to see that time through her eyes.

And I had. The good and the bad and the parts I wish I could forget. I saw our relationship from her perspective…but I also saw her relationship with Rafael as well. I experienced firsthand knowledge of all the reasons she had been drawn to him back then, about how caught up she had become in the lust and forbidden appeal of their time together. He was exciting and daring in a way she hadn't known before. And while it was clear to me that Jane's heroine Josephine had genuinely loved my hero Martin, it was also painfully obvious that Martin had failed to provide something vitally necessary for Josephine, something that had compelled her to be drawn to Rafael's book alter ego Rake in the first place.

Inevitably then, I found myself wondering about just how much life had imitated art. Had I failed to answer some deep-seeded need within Jane? Was that the reason she had turned to Rafael the first time all those years ago? Had she found me mundane in comparison to him, lacking in some way? Was that, and not the frantic lengths I had gone to in order to keep her, the real reason she'd left me back then?

Perhaps, there was some truth to that and I might have been able to make my peace with it…maybe…if it also wasn't absolutely clear that Rafael answered some other need in Jane as well. She had even thanked him in her dedication for believing in her as a writer and for making her brave. And that's when I really understood. Rafael Solano had always been so much more than a fling to her and I imagined that was the reason he would always be a sticking point for me.

And that's the reason Lorena was able to get to me with her last barb. I'm sure that pain I carry with me daily is evident in my eyes. And even though I still remember Jane's devastation during our last confrontation and I know very well that I broke her heart that day, and mine in the process, I'm not going to let my feelings for her overwhelm me ever again. I will never give her that kind of power over me or any woman for that matter.

I made that vow to myself weeks ago and I'm sure as hell not going to break it or break down in front of the likes of Lorena Diaz after all of that. So, if she's waiting for me to crumble, she's going to have a long wait. I tell her so.

"Somehow, I'm not surprised to hear you say that," she murmurs, "You are, hands down, the most stubborn man I have ever met. It's actually one of the things I like most about you, Michael."

"I didn't come here to talk about Jane with you or what you like about me for that matter," I intone coldly, "I want to be sure that you know what you're getting yourself into."

"Sounds like a convenient excuse to me. I don't think you would be here at all if you and Jane were together," she whispers with a knowing expression, "I always knew she didn't deserve you but you had to figure that out for yourself. That's why I pushed you to come back."

"You pushed me to come back because it was what Sin Rostro wanted you to do and you were her hired flunky," I retort, "And did you really think that we would have a chance in hell after what you did to me?"

"Obviously you feel something or you wouldn't be here."

"Yes," I agree softly, "I feel pity. I'm sorry that your choices put you in here. And I wanted to make sure that you're testifying against Sin Rostro for the right reasons because it's literally your life on the line. If you're doing this because you think there might be a chance for us in the end then you're making a mistake. I don't want to be with you, Lorena, but that doesn't mean I want you dead either."

I'm not sure if I feel better or worse after my conversation with Lorena but I do feel as if I've at least achieved some closure. I can finally turn the page on that chapter from my life and close the book. I don't owe Lorena a single minute more of my time, compassion or understanding from this point forward. While I'm not entirely free of the pain her betrayal caused me, I think I can now put it behind me. I actually feel as if thrown off some metaphorical anchor of anger, self-doubt and fear and I can stand upright again. I can breathe again. I can finally figure out who I really am now, the me I've become after five years of forced stasis. With that optimistic prospect before me, I say goodbye to Lorena for the very last time.

After being checked out by the guard upon my exit and having my belongings returned to me, I wind my way through the police station. I'm nearly on my way out the doors when I hear my name being called. When I pivot I find the Miami PD's newest police captain, Mario Ortega, hustling his way towards me. As soon as I see him, I have to suppress an impatient groan. The forty-five year old career detective hasn't been on the job long, having only recently assumed his new duties after Captain Armstrong recently retired. But his short interim as the department's newest head hasn't stopped him from setting his sights on me, especially when he learned my history as a detective and my connection to Sin Rostro.

He's already picked up where the Captain Armstrong left off and offered me a job. Though I initially refused, because the offer had come a mere two days after Lorena was arrested, I'd suspected even then that Mario Ortega could be quite tenacious when he wanted something. Watching him now, barreling towards me like a runaway locomotive, I'm sure of it now.

"Hey, Cordero, let me talk to you for a second!" I stand by good-naturedly and allow him to catch up with me. He claps me on the shoulder with a jovial smile when he reaches me. "I saw you across the station and I just had to say hello. How have you been?"

"Maintaining. You know, same old same old."

"Are you looking for a change of pace?"

I promptly know where he's headed with that question and I shake my head. "I'm not interested in coming back, Captain Ortega. I appreciate the offer but…I'm not ready. I told you that the last time you asked me."

"But that was weeks ago and a lot has changed since then," he argues, "Like your girl deciding to turn state's evidence against Sin Rostro."

"She's not my girl. And, I wouldn't place all my hopes on Lorena Diaz if I were you. She likes to look out for number one."

"Well, maybe we wouldn't have to do that if you agreed to come back and help us. I know that you have a personal stake in all of this as well as a professional one."

I compress my lips in a humorless smirk. "Cheap shot. I'm sure you have plenty of other officers that are capable."

"None of them know the Sin Rostro case like you."

"Be that as it may," I reply, refusing to be pulled in by his attempt at flattery, "I'm not interested."

"So you'd really rather sit at home in your tightie whities on your mommy's sofa, watching soap operas and eating cereal from a mixing bowl?"

"Not really what I'm doing with my time but yeah, I'm good."

"Don't bullshit me, Cordero. I know you miss it. I can see that restless look in your eyes," he cajoled, "Give me one good reason why you won't come back."

"I can give you two," I counter dryly, "One, I'm pretty sure I'm not mentally fit for active duty and two, I have an assault charge pending. Both of those things would cancel out entrusting me with a firearm. I really don't see how that makes me desirable or of what use I could possibly be to you."

"I've read your files. You're a good cop, Cordero, even if you don't always color inside the lines," Ortega says, "If I'm willing to give you a shot even with all your baggage, what's your hold up?"

As I walk out to my car, I find myself obsessing over the answer to that question. What is my hold up? Ortega was right after all. I still have the lust for detective work coursing through my veins. I miss the field, the high energy stakes, the rush of catching the bad guys. But I also can't deny that I am still grappling with a crapload of demons and while I'm ready for a fresh start I'm not so sure I'm ready to be a cop again. I still don't trust myself and that is my biggest hang up. In the field of police work, being able to go with your gut is a must and I haven't made it there yet. I'm not sure if I ever will again.

That's the biggest reason that I continue to keep my distance from Mateo even though I miss that quirky little kid like crazy. It's not my strained relationship with Jane that keeps me away. It's not that ridiculous restraining order. It's not even the animosity between me and Rafael. The truth is, I'm afraid to get close to him again. I don't want to risk endangering Mateo after I lost control with Rafael. But, at the same time, I feel ashamed for staying away from him. Every time I think about how he must feel about my sudden disappearance from his life, I get sick with guilt.

I remember all too well how I felt and what I thought when my dad briefly deserted Billy and me after the divorce. We didn't see or hear from him for almost six months and, by the time he had reopened the lines of communication, Billy and I were already riddled with resentment for him. It was another two years before I began treating him with anything resembling respect again. It hasn't nearly been six months but it has been long enough for Mateo to become confused and hurt.

And I'm not saying that's how he feels about me. I'm not presuming that I'm one of the primary people in his life but I'm also not naïve enough to think me not being around anymore, and with no real warning at that, won't affect him. He might not have the level of attachment to me that he has to his parents but he is attached. What if he feels abandoned? My biggest fear is that he will blame himself for my absence.

As traffic on the highway slows to a crawl and my car comes to a virtual standstill, I really think about what is the best thing to do. I can leave things as they are and ignore the possible damage I'm doing to Mateo's self-esteem or I can suck it up and call him. The least I can do is explain to him why I'm not around and reassure him that it's not his fault. He deserves to have closure just the same way I did with Lorena.

My intentions are good. Unfortunately, I haven't even thought through my plan of action before I'm grabbing my cell phone from the passenger's seat and dialing Jane's number. My actions don't really sink in until the phone rings and then I hold my breath in anticipation. Several rings ensue and I'm just about the hang up because I'm sure it's about to go to voicemail when she finally answers with an inquisitive "hello."

"Hey," I say, mostly because hearing her voice again after a week of self-imposed silence is jarring for me. I white knuckle the steering wheel in a bid to keep myself calm. "Can we talk for a sec?" I ask when I regain my power of speech.

"Michael?"

She sounds incredulous and I can understand why. Only a week ago I told her I never wanted to see her again and now I'm calling her on the phone as if my last words to her hadn't essentially been, "Stay out of my life!" It's a mixed message and I feel the need to explain myself. "You…you're probably wondering why I called. I…I know it seems like I'm contradicting myself right now but-,"

"—No, it's okay," she interrupts before I can finish, "I'm glad you called. I want to talk too. In fact, there's something I need to tell you."

I don't want to mislead her about the reason for my request so I'm quick to clarify. "I didn't call to talk about us, Jane. I've been thinking about Mateo lately," I tell her, "I kind of dropped out of his life without warning and I wanted to make sure that he was okay."

"You didn't 'drop' out of his life, Michael," she reassures me softly, "I pushed you out."

"He's your kid. You can decide who you do and don't want around him."

"Still, that wasn't fair to you. I know that you care about him."

"I do, but that's not the point. It doesn't matter why I'm not around anymore. The point is, I'm not around. I just don't want him to think that's his fault or that he did something wrong." As I'm imagining all the self-blame Mateo could be experiencing another, more heart-wrenching thought, occurs to me. "Does…does Mateo know what happened with me and Rafael?"

Honestly, this is the first time I've considered the possibility that Jane and Rafael might have told him the truth about that day. After all, Rafael had been in the hospital for several days and he had very likely looked like hell for several weeks afterward. I know I did. Mateo is an intuitive little kid and I'm sure they would have had to tell him something a little more substantial than, "Daddy walked into a door."

"So does he know?" I press further, "Does he hate me now?"

"He doesn't know. We told him that Raf got into a car accident," she says, "Although he was really curious about how we got the car fixed so fast."

I breathe a sigh of relief. "Of course, he was. Your son is no idiot."

"No, he is not."

"I'm surprised that Rafael agreed to that," I say without thinking, "I was sure he'd be all too eager to paint me as a douchebag to Mateo."

"He wanted to tell him," Jane admits, "But, in the end, I made the argument that there was no point in disillusioning Mateo completely since you were already out of our lives. Plus, I don't think he wanted Mateo to be scared, so…"

"Well, whatever the reason, I'm grateful. Sorry I put you in a position where you had to lie to him at all," I mumble in a mournful tone, "I really hate that."

"Well, the truth wouldn't have been any easier," she murmurs, "And we didn't have all the facts then so I'm glad we didn't tell him."

"I'm still sorry you had to lie."

"Stop apologizing, Michael. I think maybe some lies are necessary evils because the truth can cause more damage."

"Since when?" I challenge, "You never used to feel that way. You hate lies, Jane."

"A lot has changed in five years."

"I don't know about that," I sigh, "I feel like none of this would be happening if I hadn't been so susceptible to Rose's mind games in the first place. I can't believe I let her get inside my head."

"You were beaten and tortured," Jane points out stiffly, as if that alone should absolve me of my actions.

"I should have been stronger. What happened at Billy's funeral would have never gone down if I had been stronger."

"Don't you dare take responsibility for Rose's crimes! You had no control over what happened."

"Maybe not. But there are some things I can control," I counter, "I should have made more of an effort to keep in touch with Mateo."

"It's okay. He understands."

I'm skeptical of that reassurance. "Does he really?"

"Well…" she hedges, "…he has been asking about you a lot lately. He thought that you went back to Texas and he was upset because it seemed like you had left without saying goodbye. And then when he found out you weren't gone, he's been upset because you haven't come by to see him."

"Excellent," I grumble unhappily.

"I told him that you've been busy with your family but that you would stop by to see him soon."

"Wow, you're just racking up the lies with him, aren't you?"

"I wasn't wrong, was I?" she counters softly, "You said Mateo was the reason you called."

"You're not wrong. I miss him. I want to see him but, the way everything is right now, he can't know that and that puts me in an awkward position. I don't want to get Rafael riled up but I also don't want Mateo to feel about me the way I felt about my dad after he left my mom."

"You don't have to feel obligated to see him, Michael."

He's not your son. She doesn't actually say the words but the unspoken implication is there. As far as Jane is concerned, I'm in the clear. She fully believes her son is expendable to me. If I vanish completely from Mateo's life she's not going to hold it against me at all. But I will hold it against me. It doesn't matter that there's no blood tie between me and Mateo. I love him. In my heart, he's my son and I feel responsible for him, which is exactly what I tell Jane.

"Like I said before, I miss him, Jane. I want to be in his life but that's your call."

And Rafael's, I add silently, which pretty much determines I don't have a snowball's chance in Hell of ever seeing Mateo again. And, if Jane's stunned silence is any clue, she's not over the moon about my proposal either. I can practically hear the wheels in her head turning as she works out exactly how an arrangement like the one I'm suggesting will work. I doubt she's too excited by the prospect of accommodating my request.

"Ugh…just forget I asked." I flex my fingers around the steering wheel, growing impatient as traffic inches forward. I don't know if I'm irritated because I'm stuck on the highway or because "I'm stuck" in my need and desire for Jane Villanueva and her son. "I overstepped. Sorry. I shouldn't have called."

"Michael, don't be that way. You took me by surprise. That's all. The last time we spoke you were pretty adamant about never wanting to see me again." I'm still adamant about it but I keep that crunchy nugget to myself for now. "I think it's a good idea," she says, leaving me a little stunned by her response, "I know he misses you too."

"Yet, I'm sensing a 'but' from you…"

"But, what about us? You said you didn't want to see me again. How is that going to work with Mateo because he and I are a packaged deal. Not the mention the fact that we have to consider Rafael in all of this. He'd never go for it."

"I'm not asking to spend time with him," I explain, "That would be a little tricky with the restraining order in place. Plus, you're right. Rafael would never go for it and we'd be setting Mateo up for something he can't have."

"So what are you suggesting?" she asks softly.

"I was thinking that maybe I could talk to him on the phone a couple times a week, maybe even FaceTime if you're cool with that. I just want him in my life, Jane."

"And that's it? That's all you want?"

I'm pretty sure there is a veiled meaning to her question but I deliberately ignore it. "I'm hardly in the position to make demands so I will take what I can get," I tell her, "But if we do it like I'm suggesting then we can minimize contact between us."

"What if I don't want to minimize contact?"

If she knew the intense yearning those eight, simple words stirred up in me, she would never give up. And honestly, I wouldn't want her to and that would only lead us both down the same dead-end path that was best not revisited. As it is, I have to close my eyes and take a second to compose myself before I can even try to speak again.

"Jane, please stop. I asked you not to do this. Remember?"

"Right. Never mind. Forget I said anything. I'll get Mateo for you since that's the only reason you called anyway."

She lets that statement hang for a second, as if she's waiting for me to contradict it and then, when I don't, she sighs and asks me to hold on while she calls for Mateo. I listen to the muffled sounds of the Villanueva household as I wait. The faint screech of the cat. The muffled hum of the air conditioner. The muted sound of closing doors. A few minutes later Jane returns to the phone.

"He doesn't want to talk to you," she announces.

I slump forward in disappointment. "He doesn't?"

"He says he's mad at you because you forgot all about him."

It's then that I realize that Mateo isn't rejecting conversation with me so much as he's using his mother to serve as a go between because he's too angry to talk to me directly right now. I have to bite back my relieved smile. "Tell him that I did not forget about him," I reply, "and that I thought about him every single day." Jane recites exactly what I said and I can hear Mateo's response but I can't make out his words.

"He says if you didn't forget about him then why didn't you call?" Jane relays.

"Tell him that I didn't call because I was feeling sad and I needed to be by myself for a while."

I wait for Jane to convey his next message to me but I'm surprised when Mateo responds himself. "Why were you sad?" he asks.

"Because I finally remembered everything but I didn't know where I belonged anymore and that made me feel alone."

"I know where you belong, Michael."

"Oh yeah?"

"Uh-huh. You belong with me because we're bests friends."

"That's right. We are, buddy."

"And I'm only a little bit mad at you now because you weren't talking to me. Mommy says that best friends forgive each other so I'm going to forgive you."

"Thanks, Mateo. I'm glad. I'm glad that you forgive me."

"Did you know that my daddy got into a car accident?"

It takes me a moment to adjust myself to his dizzying swivel. "Yeah, your mom mentioned that to me."

"His face was swollen and his eyes were swollen and he had to wear a neck brace for a long, long time. That's why they're not getting married right now. Daddy says he needs time to recrup…recret…"

"Recuperate?" I provide when he continues to struggle.

"Yeah, that! So, I still have to wait. I hate waiting." And then, once again, without warning he pivots again. "Are you coming to see me tomorrow?"

"Unfortunately, Mateo, I can't come tomorrow," I reply regretfully, "I've got a lot of stuff going on right now so I can't get to see you the way I'd like."

"But why?"

"Well, right now I'm trying to find a job."

"Why do grownups have to work all the time?" he grumps.

"Because they like to eat. What can I say? Being a grownup sucks sometimes." He giggles into my ear and, for the first time since I dialed Jane's number, I relax completely. "I'd like to call again tomorrow and maybe we can talk then. Is that okay?"

"Yeah, that's okay," he says, "I'm going to give the phone back to Mommy now because I was watching tv when you called. Talk to you later, Michael. Bye!"

"See, Michael?" Jane murmurs into the phone a minute later, "You didn't break him after all, not that I ever thought you had. I'm learning that Mateo is a very resilient kid."

"Thank you for letting me talk to him."

"No problem." Silence thickens between us in the ensuing seconds. "Listen, Michael, I don't want this to be awkward."

"Too bad. It's going to be," I reply wryly, "This is like going through a divorce, kind of…we just have to navigate our way through the weirdness."

"Is that how you feel now? Like we're divorced?"

"Well, we were married once and now we're not. That's pretty much divorce, Jane."

"No, divorce is when you stop wanting your marriage," she counters in a quiet tone, "I haven't stopped wanting our marriage, Michael."

I haven't stopped wanting it either but I don't dare tell her that.