Time to Choose

Hoshi Ayaka

Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki.

The first thing I saw through cloudy eyes was the stupid monkey. I blinked several times trying to clear the film that obscured my vision before I realized it was the sun that was blinding me. I shifted and tilted my head back to look at the window behind my bed.

"Gojyo?"

My head snapped down. I tried to focus on the voice that had said my name. It was just Goku.

"Goku?" My voice was so hoarse, I wondered if it was really my own.

"Gojyo!! You're awake!"

I groaned and threw my palm against my head. The monkey's high pitched voice ripped through my skull. I tried to sit up and groaned again at the stiffness throughout my body. Remembering what had happened, I was surprised I wasn't in more pain.

"Wait a minute Gojyo. Don't move! Let me get Hakkai."

The monkey jumped up, scraping the legs of the chair against the floor. He was already calling for Hakkai before he'd even reached the door.

I managed to, ungracefully, move into a sitting position. My back was against the wall. I lifted a weak arm to search the drawer of the small bedside table for my smokes. Luck was with me. They were shoved in the back with a lighter inside the pack. I lit one and closed my eyes. I could have wept with joy at the warmth that spread through my body.

When I opened my eyes Hakkai was standing in the doorway of my room. He was dressed in the usual dark green shirt and light pants. There were no words to express my satisfaction at seeing him standing there.

"You're finally awake."

Damn, his voice, it washed through my body in waves. I felt like I hadn't heard it in years.

"How long was I out?"

"Three days." Hakkai stepped into my room.

"Three days eh? That bad?"

"I was beginning to grow worried."

I flicked my ashes into a juice can on top of the little table. "I'm glad to see you're okay."

Hakkai grabbed an ashtray from the larger table where Goku had been sitting. He replaced the juice can with the tray and stood looking down at me from the side of my bed.

"I am okay now. Just a few bumps and bruises. The innkeeper was kind enough to get us all into bed and call a doctor. I took over once I was feeling better."

"Thank you Hakkai." I couldn't quite meet his eyes. I felt...useless.

Hakkai sat down on the edge of the bed. His fingers were warm where he touched my face.

"Your fever seems to have lifted. Your neck has healed well but it will probably be a little stiff and sore for a few more days so you should take it easy."

I nodded and continued to smoke. "I don't feel too bad."

"That's good. Sanzo is still unconscious. I was taking care of him when Goku called for me."

"Is he going to be alright?"

"If he doesn't wake up in the next couple of days I will be extremely worried."

My eyes shifted to Hakkai. It wasn't a good thing if Hakkai was actually worried.

"What about the monkey?"

"He's also worried, anxious, beating himself up. He feels this whole thing was his fault."

"Idiot."

"Will you let me look at the rest of your body? I'd like to see how your other injuries are healing."

I put the cigarette out in the ashtray and eased onto my back. Hakkai began removing the bandages from my chest and stomach. He clucked like a mother hen and let his fingers breezily caress what was left of the cuts and bruises. I could feel the warmth of his chi as he used his life force to help with the healing. I couldn't control my reaction to his touch. My stomach muscles twitched and my skin jumped underneath his fingers. I grabbed his wrist and held it tightly in my hand. Hakkai's eyes met mine. I stared into them, mesmerized by the green that made me breathless.

"Fuck, please Hakkai, please just kiss me."

His reaction was immediate. Heat crowded his eyes. His hand moved to cup my face. When he pressed his lips to mine my entire body shivered. I filled my hands with his soft brown hair and reveled in the feel of him against me. He was the first to break the kiss, his voice shaky when he spoke.

"Let me get my pack. I need to re-bandage a few of those cuts."

I couldn't resist a smirk. "Anything you say doc. I get the hint."

His eyes lingered on mine a moment before he got to his feet.

"I'll come right back."

I smiled and watched him as he left my room. I felt good.

I was surprised when Hakkai quickly poked his head around the door frame.

"Hey Gojyo?"

"Yeah?"

"I missed you."

He disappeared quicker than he had appeared.

It was late afternoon when Hakkai brought lunch to my room. It had only been a little over twenty four hours since I'd regained consciousness. My body was still stiff and sore but I couldn't stand the thought of lying in bed any longer. Goku and I were sitting at the table, a pack of cards open and laid out before us. Hakkai set the plates of food down and Goku grinned. It was the first smile I'd seen from him all day.

Hakkai pushed a chair from the table and relaxed into it. I watched him from the corner of my eyes as I picked at the food before me. It looked wonderful but I really wasn't that hungry. Of course, I wasn't going to tell that to Hakkai. He was already worried enough about Sanzo.

I watched as Hakkai's long fingers adjusted the monocle resting on the bridge of his nose. I could tell he was tired. My attention turned to Goku when he cleared his throat.

"Uh, Hakkai...is there, um, any change?"

Hakkai sat up a bit straighter. "No Goku. He was hurt quite badly. Sanzo needs the sleep to heal."

Goku hung his head and stared at the table. "What if..."

I couldn't take the kid's moping any longer. "Hey man, it's Sanzo you're talking about. That bastard won't go down so easily. He'll be up in no time."

Goku's head jerked up. He stared at me and a little light began to shine in his eyes.

"Goku, why don't you go sit with him? I'll come to check on him later."

The monkey was frozen in his seat. He looked between the two of us before swallowing hard and standing up. He grabbed a bun from the table and darted for the door waving his hand behind him.

"Thanks for the food Hakkai!"

When the door closed quietly behind Goku, I took a minute to enjoy the silence. I was happy to have Hakkai to myself for a few minutes. I grinned when I thought of what I really wanted to do, if only my body would have cooperated.

"You haven't eaten anything Gojyo."

My eyes shifted guiltily away from Hakkai.

"Are you feeling well?"

"Yes. I'm not lying back down."

"Please don't push your body beyond it's limits. It will take longer for you to heal if you don't take care of yourself."

I grumbled a little and tossed a piece of bun into my mouth. If my eating would make Hakkai feel better, then I'd do it.

"You know, this is the first time Goku has agreed to sit with Sanzo."

I looked up at Hakkai, startled.

"I'm not entirely sure Goku believes Sanzo will wake up. He is still blaming himself for both Sanzo and you."

"So that's why the monkey's been in my room all day." I leaned back and tilted my chair on two legs. Pain shot through my ribs and down my legs. I gently straightened the chair and tried not to let Hakkai see how much it hurt.

"Yes...you know, you really should try getting more rest."

I could feel the warmth of Hakkai's eyes on my body. He was examining me, looking for more signs of pain or tiredness. For once I wished he weren't so perceptive.

"I don't wanna. I'm sick of lying there, of being halfway between asleep and awake."

Hakkai clucked gently at me and stood up from his chair. He walked behind me and remained there quietly. I sat motionless, waiting to see what he would do.

A cool hand caressed the heated skin along my shoulder blade. My breathing wavered. Hakkai's fingers trailed along the ridge and up the length of my neck to rub gently underneath the gathered hair of my pony tail.

"You feel like you have a fever Gojyo."

"Mmmm."

"Will you please lie down now?"

I sighed. Unable to resist his quiet pleading, I grudgingly voiced my agreement. Hakkai let his hand wander down over my shoulder and to my chest. I captured it with my own hand and held tightly.

"You have to join me though."

Hakkai chuckled under his breath. "I don't think that would be for the best."

"Just lie with me? Nothin' else. I swear."

Hakkai's fingers traced circles on my chest as he thought it over for a moment. "I could. For a moment. I told Goku I would check on Sanzo."

"For a minute then. Just lie with me. I'll sleep better if you do."

Hakkai stepped back and I pushed out of my chair. I was glad the bed was only a few feet away. My body hurt more than I expected. I landed in the bed with a thump and carefully rolled over to make room for Hakkai. My heart beat just a little faster when the full length of Hakkai's body was pressed against mine. I couldn't control my sigh of relief. I felt like I'd just been to hell and back. Everything had been so fucked up and after it all, Hakkai was finally right beside me, right where he should be.

We didn't say anything to each other. While there were a million things we could have said, the words just weren't necessary. I rubbed my fingers gently against Hakkai's wrist. He made no move to stop me as my fingers strayed up his arm. His skin was smooth under the pads of my fingers. I could feel the bones and muscles that made up his arm when I pressed harder. I could hardly breathe when I thought of those arms on each side of my head, Hakkai on top of me, whispering my name as he...

I groaned aloud and forced my fingers to stop their exploring. I pushed closer to Hakkai and buried my face in his hair. He smelled so clean and fresh and just...like Hakkai. Like the forest and sky and everything that was good. I whispered words into his hair, words that were only for him, words that Sha Gojyo had never said and would never say to another person. Hakkai was breathing deeply beside me. I knew he had fallen asleep and I didn't mind. He was there beside me when I feared he never would be again.

I closed my eyes and breathed him in. It hurt to hold him close but it was worth it. I fell asleep without even knowing I had.