Disclaimer: ALL the stuff for last chapter holds true for this one, too.
"As much as I hated Hojo… I hated her more. Gods, the sight of her made me sick. I might easily have gone insane when I found out that she-- and Hojo--were my 'parents.' I found out what they were-- what I was-- just a little before I met you that day outside the city.
"You must understand, Aeris, the only thing I had to cling to then, my only hope, was the knowledge that I was not human. Every human has the capacity to become Hojo . . . But most are content to be Lucrecias. They shuffle through their lives, letting governments, or luck, or gods take responsibility for their actions-- letting others choose their destinies, choose who is valuable and who should be killed. They huddle together in their cowardice just as their ancestors did." He sneered. "And they believe themselves innocent."
Aeris wanted to say something, but his anger was so complete, and his pain so palpable, the words stuck in her throat.
"About that time, too, I started hearing Mother calling to me-- my real mother. The one I'd prayed to as a boy."
"You mean-- the calamity from the sky?"
"Jenova," he nodded. "Shinra lied to me again. She was alive, trapped just as I had been … And she loved me in all my sordid glory. She wanted me to be everything I could be. Not even you can do that, little flower girl."
"Sephiroth, don't say that. It isn't true--"
He seemed to recollect himself, and the painful grip around her shoulders eased. "I'm sorry. I just-- don't like talking about what happened to Mother." He looked away, staring out the window again. "I loved her. I dared to love her, and I had to kill her. It was either that or be used to destroy the Planet.
"After I met you, five years ago, I went to the reactor where she was. I stood in front of the glass pillar they kept her in, and I heard her voice-- Gods, the power in it!-- She was saying, 'My son! My boy! Come here! Come to me!' Exactly what I'd dreamed she would say when she first saw me, exactly the opposite of Lucrecia, who got weaker and smaller every day, until she disappeared completely.
"She was always blubbering to Hojo to let her 'see her son.' He would laugh. Now I know what was so damn funny-- I was right in front of her the whole time, and she didn't even recognize me. A good mother would have known, even if they did change my birthday on the records, even if I didn't happen to look like her. And my real mother did know me . . .
"I knew she--Mother-- was using me, toying with my memories, but that didn't bother me. All my life I'd been used for someone else's ends. I broke the glass that held her, let the preserving fluid run out. I reached for her-- touched her face. I didn't think anything could hurt worse than mako injections, but I was wrong. I tried to make her stop whatever she was doing to my mind-- I was screaming-- but she caught me with her tendrils. She showed me her vision for the world-- empty of life, a fit chariot for a queen. I felt her desire for it as if it was my own, and I knew it was my desire. All the codes of honor I'd obeyed during the Wutai war were nonsense: rules made up by children to make their war games less frightening. This-- what she was saying-- was the only thing that made sense. Destroy the Hojos and the Lucrecias and there will be nothing left to hurt me. Only Mother and I-- and I would be a god. I would be master. I would be free.
"I almost gave in to her, wanted to give in to her, but-- I remembered our kiss. And even though Jenova had her tendrils gripping me like chains, I could feel you in my arms. I thought I heard your voice. You were begging me not to listen to her, you said, 'All around the world, people are finding each other-- just like we found each other. Those loves, those little lights, belong to them. You have no right to take that from them.'"
He fell silent.
That sounds like something I wouldn't think of saying until far too late.
"I remember I thought: 'If I become Jenova's destroying angel, I will kill that little flower girl, too. Last of the Cetra.' If you hadn't come to me outside Midgar, Aeris, I could, even now, be the dark god of a dead world."
Aeris searched his face.
Then… Planet was right! I was supposed to go to him that day!
Aeris felt the dual thrill of a prophecy come true and Sephiroth's praise. And yet, at the same time, there seemed to be something terribly dangerous in his words, like a coiled snake-- waiting.
"I ran my mother straight through the chest," he was saying. "It didn't kill her, of course, but it surprised her. I dragged her out on my blade, and pitched her into the mako reactor. She screamed like a gale all the way down, battering against my brain. I don't know if she died, somehow I doubt it, but it silenced her.
"I stood there a long time, just staring into the mako, my own mother's blood dripping down my sword. When my head finally stopped pounding, I knew who was to blame for everything . . . Shinra employed Hojo. Shinra sought out and imprisoned Mother. Shinra funded the experiments that made me. Everything they'd ever told me was a lie. And all the time, I was stronger than they were. I was smarter than they were. Even their own troops were loyal to me. . .I took my time killing President Shinra and his son. Hojo died regrettably fast-- and Lucrecia escaped me, damn her . . ."
His voice trailed off again.
How can I comfort him? Pain like this-- how can I hope to take it away? Where could I even begin?
She wrapped her arms around him more tightly, but this time he only ran his hand down her back absently, staring out the window, and Aeris feared whatever voice he listened to. Jenova was still very much a part of him-- the Dark Harbinger, who came from heaven bringing death-- especially to her race.
Can he still hear her?
When he spoke again, his words only confirmed her suspicions. "I still think of Jenova's dream from time to time," he said. "I wanted to tell you-- you could be part of it too, Aeris. I don't want to have to kill you; I gave up becoming a god, just to hold you again. So what are mutual death threats between friends, hmm? Just promise me you won't oppose me, and I'll cleanse this world of the festering disease of human life--"
"Sephiroth, that's insane! . . . You know that's insane-- right?"
"Insane? Hardly. Why would you call it insane?" He looked at her. "Weren't you one of those who thanked me for ending the use of mako-energy? Said I'd 'stopped the Planet's wound.' What could be wrong with draining the wound and cauterizing it? If I don't destroy them all, Aeris, there will eventually be another Shinra. Humans won't give up their precious mako-technology just because it wounds the Planet." He leaned his face closer to her, and his gloved fingers tilted her face up. "I could make sure they never have the chance. Wipe this world clean and start again with just you and I in a grisly Eden all our own. I could shield you like a candle while we ride the darkness of the skies--"
Aeris felt her eyes go wide. "What?-- But-- You're talking about destroying the world!"
"I'm talking about remaking the world . . . With you, pretty Ancient."
"Sephiroth, no!" Aeris pulled away from him.
That is the dangerous thing I sensed!
He could cause of millions of deaths without the slightest remorse."Good" was what she wanted, "bad" was what would drive her away. He answered to no moral code beyond that.
"Ah," he frowned. "You know, I thought you wouldn't like the idea. Tsk, tsk. More's the pity." His words were calm, but his posture was not. "Aeris, don't look at me like that. I know all this-- all the thoughts of my blood-soaked brain-- are unfathomable to you. That's what I like about you. You believe in something greater than yourself. That unyielding faith is the 'bright thing' in you that opposes me. I should hate you, I think. But I don't . . . I can't." As he spoke, he reached for her again and slid off the ledge, spilling down the white wall like hot tar, and they settled to the ground with a soft tapping sound as his boots touched the floor. They stood face to face, as if they were about to dance.
"When I first met you," he said, "I called you 'weak.' I never should have done that. Never. Your strength is amazing. I've been wondering: if we had lived each other's lives-- if I had your eyes and you had mine-- I wonder who you would be. I always thought this room forced me to be as I am, but somehow-- I can't imagine even this whitewashed hell changing you as it did me. I want you with me, Aeris." There was something tense in the last sentence-- almost desperate. "I just need proof that you won't betray me. Promise me you'll forget Avalanche, promise me you'll be mine forever-- and give me a sign."
Another warning bell sounded in Aeris' mind. She remembered Elmyra telling her that no man should ever have the power to choose her friends for her.
"What sign do you want?"
"I could have you treated with mako and Jenova cells. I think you have what it takes to be in SOLDIER."
"What?"
"You're strong now-- I could make you a goddess. I don't know if you'll be able to fly, but you'll be faster, more alert. Who knows? You might even make me look like a clumsy prototype. Hojo was trying to reproduce the Cetra when he made me, after all. You are the real thing."
"No, Sephiroth, don't ask this of me!" She tried to back away from him, but his arms prevented her.
"If it's the pain you're worried about, I'll be sure you're sedated. I promise you, it won't be the way it was for me. It will be your choice, when you're ready for it, and I'll be there to comfort you."
"That's not it! That isn't it at all, but I can't do that! I'm the last of my race! The Ancients before me would rather die a thousand deaths than see their last daughter become part of their enemy!"
"You're refusing me?" There was no anger in his words, only amazement, disbelief. He looked as if she had stabbed him-- shock spreading across his features. She had seen this face only once before-- a look that still sent pangs through her conscience-- on the plains outside Midgar, when she had screamed to be let go. His haunted eyes glowed-- tortured by a thousand nameless demons.
"Not you, Sephiroth, never you. But you want to make me unnatural! You want to make me--"
"Like me." His voice was quiet.
"No! I wasn't going to say that--" Aeris began.
"You're just like everyone else. You think-- I'm a freak." Slowly, but with a terrible finality, he withdrew his arm and pushed her away from him.
"Sephiroth, please! Please don't think that!" She took a step toward him, but he backed away. "Ask me anything else, but this I cannot do!"
"You don't-- want me. I thought--"
"Oh gods, Sephiroth, please understand. Jenova is evil, not you. I swear I don't think there's anything wrong with you!"
"Then you're a fool!" He recovered his anger in a flash, and it snapped over him like plate armor. "You are very young." His voice was low and sharp, laced with rage. "And the young are very-- certain of things. Their certainty makes them cruel. But know this: I have been reasonable. I have been more than reasonable! I offered you a way out-- two in fact-- and you would not take them! Your blood is on your own head!" As he spoke, his volume increased, until he was almost shouting. He spun on his heel and strode away from her.
Aeris caught a fistful of leather as he turned away.
"Sephiroth, no! There's another way! You could trust me. You could negotiate with the Resistance… Change things." He scowled and yanked his coat free of her hand. "Or we could compromise. You could come with me. Somewhere far away where no one will know us-- we can make a little Eden of our own! Leave all this, leave everything that hurt you, and start again, with me."
His eyes fixed on hers, and he seemed to soften. Emotions played across his face, too fast for her to decipher. She watched him weigh her words. He wanted to believe, that much was obvious, but he was so damn used to not getting what he truly wanted.
"Sephiroth, please. Don't stay in the darkness you remember-- it's an illusion and it will suffocate you if you stay in it too long. Let it go and stay with me! I can show you what peace is!"
For a breathless moment, the heaven she offered battled the hell he knew, warring for his soul.
Heaven lost.
"Didn't you hear me, Venificulla? Everything I've cherished, I've killed."
Pushing her away, he strode out of the cell.
"Have the Central Square bell rung right before she dies. I want to hear the last sound she hears."
"M'lord!" the guard saluted.
Her voice rose over the clang of the cell door swinging shut: "Sephiroth!"
His coat fanned around him as he swept down the white passageway. He was fleeing from her, and he knew it.
"Sephiroth! I can't be what you want… but I can be what you need! Sephiroth let me! Let me! Let me love you!"
The hall door banged behind him, but he still heard muted sobs. For a moment, he wasn't sure if they were hers-- or his own.
Author's Note:
Dang. That was depressing.
I had a really difficult time with this scene. (Lotsa rewrites.) My problems were many: first of all, it's all dialogue, which makes it unwieldy. Secondly, I meant for this to be a quick little one-shot, but it mutated. Thirdly, Sephiroth's history is brutal and disturbing-- so he's much less the lover, and more the villain. I wanted him to be set up to find an adoptive mother in Jenova, even if he's resisted her (barely) in this universe.
So . . . emotional reactions: pity? anger? boredom? Did you feel his loneliness/craziness?
Lastly and most importantly: thanks to Ardwynna Morrigu for the beta. XD
Written to "Mordred's Lullaby" by Heather Dale. There is currently an Advent Children AMV here:
http:// youtube com / watch?v81EuwZy-SNY
Visual reference was "The Truth Revealed" by Erufe
http:// www deviantart com / deviation / 30069808/