From Chapter 25

Thinking of all of these made Mac wished that he could turn back the time. He wanted to change some things that he had done, retract some words that he had said, and unhurt those people that he hated to hurt. But he also knew that it was too late now for any regrets.

Once again, he forced his mind to concentrate on the folder in front of him and thankfully, he was able to do so. He was aware, though of an anxious thought that was haunting him. The only difference was he knew what this one was all about. It was the possibility of having lost Jo's trust and he did not even know why.

Chapter 26

Jo tossed and turned on her bed before finally sitting up when sleep proved to be elusive. She pulled her legs up on her chest and hugged her knees, her mind repeating Grace's story over and over again.

Finally, she took her phone from the nightstand and dialed his number.

"Hey, are you free to talk?" she said in a wavering voice.

"Yes, I was just about to text you. Are you okay?" he asked, his voice suddenly shifting from the jolly one that greeted her to the worried tone that was making this call more difficult for her.

Jo sighed at his question.

"Can I hide anything from you, at all?" She asked in a strong accent, partly frustrated.

Cade let out a small chuckle.

"Do you know how transparent your voice is? I could easily sense if something's bothering you just through your voice, like now. What's wrong, Jo?" Cade asked, concern dripping from his own voice.

"Nothing. Just a very… difficult case." Jo said, saying the last two words almost inaudibly.

"What kind of difficult?" Cade asked, knowing that Jo did not call him just because she had a difficult case.

Jo paused for a while to think of how to answer his question.

"Emotionally draining, I guess." Jo answered, her mind wandering again to the interrogation room.

Cade frowned at her answer. He was expecting her answer to be about a child missing or something, but never expected her to be emotionally attached to a case about something else.

"I'll listen, Jo. Tell me." Cade said, leaning back on his headboard.

"I don't even know where to start. I'm not even sure what I'm doing calling you at this ungodly hour and…" Jo sighed heavily. "I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know… anything. I'm sorry, Cade. I'm just a little confused right now. I'll call you tomorrow. Good ni…" Cade cut off Jo's rambling when he called out her name.

"Jo, you're making me worried. Tell me what this case was all about and why were you so… upset over it?" Cade encouraged, sitting up straight on his bed. He was starting to feel bad about this, somehow feeling that whatever Jo would say might affect him greatly, too. But he was more worried about Jo because she had never been this disoriented.

Jo let out a breath, and wiped at the tear that had slid its way down her cheek.

Cade could sense her hesitation but waited for her to be ready. He knew that she would tell him about it, she just needed some time to organize her thoughts. Finally, Cade heard Jo inhaled deeply before she started telling him about Grace, Allan, and Drake.

Even before she finished telling him the story, he already had an idea on how it would end. When Jo started saying the words 'unfair' and 'guilty', he realized how the rest of their conversation would go and started thinking and analyzing their situation. He now understood why Jo suddenly hesitated and tried to end the call earlier. She called to end whatever it was that they shared because it was her who had been feeling guilty. He realized he was not ready for that, and since Jo tried to backtrack also, he thought she was not ready to do that too.

She was seeking for assurance. Cade thought.

"Cade, do you understand what I'm trying to say?" Jo's voice pulled Cade out of his deep thoughts.

"I think I do." He said simply, his ears pounding with his heartbeat.

Jo waited for him to continue but when she realized he was not going to say anything more, she decided to do the hard part.

"Cade, I…" Jo knew that this would be very difficult, but never expected it to be this difficult. She swallowed and tried again. "I don't want to do that to you, Cade. You don't deserve that." She finally said, still not able to say directly what she needed to say.

"Do what to me, Jo?" Cade asked, his pounding heart almost shaking his body.

"Oh come on, Cade, you know what I mean. Please don't make this so hard for me." Jo said desperately. Her heart was thumping inside her chest and part of her wanted to just end the call because truth be told, she did not know what to do if Cade would let her do what she intended to do.

"Jo, I'm not making this hard for you. I want to know what you think you're doing to me." Jo heard the edge on Cade's voice and a part of her wanted to just push him to be angry with her thinking that things might get easier that way.

Cade did not mean for his words to come out that strongly, but the unexpected purpose of Jo's call had taken him aback and he was acting on his emotions. He got scared of what Jo had planned to tell him because he knew how headstrong she was. He was scared that he might not be able to convince her to stay if she had decided to give up.

"Cade, please… I… I don't want to hurt you. I don't want us to be like Grace and Allan." She had finally said what she was meaning to say.

"Why?" Cade asked, making Jo become more and more frustrated as the conversation continued.

"Cade, are you doing this deliberately? Because it's already difficult enough for me without you having to push me to say things that I'm sure you already know." Jo's tone was fast turning into one of annoyance.

"I'm not doing this to taunt you, Jo. I just want this to be clear to me, and most especially to you." Cade said a matter-of-factly which irritated Jo all the more.

"What?" Jo gasped, quite unbelieving what Cade was telling her.

Cade sighed.

"Okay, I'll do the dirty part for you." Cade took a deep breath before continuing, in an attempt to steady his nerves.

"You said you don't want us to be like Grace and Allan, and I asked you why. I don't seem to see the part of their relationship that you think was bad. They had a happy marriage didn't they? In your story, provided that you did not exaggerate anything about it, they had a blissful life together that was wrecked only by cancer, and even then, they still had a good life together." Cade said gently, his heart pounding at his every word.

"During the non-painful days, they were happily hanging around each other, doing things they used to do since their younger years. During painful nights, they held on to each other, giving each other strength that they both needed. What could be so wrong with those, Jo? Aren't those all a manifestation of love, a beautiful personification of a bond that went beyond words, suffering, and even death? Now tell me, why would I not want a piece of that?" Cade was pacing back and forth as he tried to make Jo see the picture that she had painted him when she told Grace's story.

Jo frowned and thought hard after hearing Cade's version. In Cade's words, Allan and Grace's lives did not sound so bad. For a while, she doubted that maybe she was making something out of nothing and thought of what made her think that she was hurting Cade. And remembered. Clearly.

"But you forgot about Drake." Jo countered, feeling like they were debating over the happiness of the three people involved, as much as debating over their own happiness.

"No, I did not forget about him. Jo, Drake got his chance when they met again years after. And Grace was also given the chance to leave Allan and be with Drake. Both had their chances but both did not take it. And don't tell me about Allan being sick that's why Grace did not leave him. It's got nothing to do with that. If they really wanted to be with each other, they could have already did it the first time they saw each other again, and that was before Allan was diagnosed with cancer. But no, they did not. Grace did not leave Allan when she had plenty of chances to do so." Cade sighed. He knew that this intellect debate would soon end, and emotion would override every argument he would present, and that's where he could lose. Emotion was not his strong point. But he was willing to fight all the way through until the very last moment. He had since decided to fight for her until he could not anymore.

"My point is Grace loved Allan too. And it was enough for both of them." Cade said as an ending to his argument.

"Won't you feel… betrayed? Or even cheated? Knowing that Grace loved somebody else and did not even tell you? And she even pretended to not know Drake when he showed up outside your home?" Jo asked, her voice rising a little. Somehow, she knew that they were not talking about the case anymore but was actually talking about them and was only using other people's names.

"Jo, stop feeling guilty for them. First, you said Allan acknowledged the fact that Grace pretended to not know Drake for Allan's sake, right? Second, there was no betrayal or cheating that happened. Grace loved Drake, yes. She loved him first. But she also loved Allan. You cannot blame someone for loving another person first before you. Yes, Grace still loves Drake but did she do anything about it? You cannot entirely erase a person, especially someone you loved from your life, can you? The person you once loved will always stay with you, even after the relationship had already ended. But it does not mean that you're cheating on the person you are with now. Had she acted on that love for Drake or just simply did not really love Allan and just used him to move on, then yes, she cheated on him. But that's not the case, Jo. She truly loved Allan." Cade explained, hoping that Jo was being convinced.

When Jo did not react, Cade decided to be bolder.

"Jo, let's make this about people you know personally. Let's say it's Mac." Cade said, feeling his heart raced again in his chest.

Jo jerked a little when she heard Cade said Mac's name. She did not see this coming and she could not understand why Cade wanted to talk about Mac. And she was not sure that she wanted to talk about him. She opened her mouth to stop him even before he started taking Mac's case but Cade beat her to it.

"Mac's married now, right? And I suppose he married his wife because he loved her. But then, he was once married to another woman. And rumors have it that when his wife died in the 9/11 attack he took it hardly. The implication of that death stayed with him for years, and maybe until now. And now that he's married again, would it be right for his wife to blame him if he still loves his first wife?" Cade paused, almost waiting for Jo's protest again.

"Would you consider him to be cheating on his wife because in his heart, the memory of his first wife still lives?" Cade asked gently now. He knew he was threading sensitive issue, and one wrong word was all it would take to make Jo take offense.

Jo thought at what Cade had said. His words stung her when he said Mac married Christine because he loved her. She knew he did not intend to hurt her but it still hurt anyway. She pushed her own emotions back and brought her mind back to the question Cade had posed to her.

"No" She finally whispered.

"That's my point, Jo." Cade said, finally allowing himself to breathe normally. He had just sat back down on his bed when he heard Jo's protesting tone.

"But it's because Claire was already gone, Cade. She's not here anymore. It's still a different case." Jo said.

Cade shut his eyes and swallowed. He did not want to say what he was about to say, because he was scared at what he might hear from her. But given the circumstances, it seemed like he had to broach at this very topic that he strongly wanted to avoid discussing. Sooner or later he would be forced to face his fears; he thought maybe this was the perfect opportunity to do so.

"Okay, Jo. Maybe it's really time for this." Cade said seriously.

Jo was taken aback at the shift in Cade's tone. It had gotten too serious and nervously sad at the same time.

"In Grace's story, she loved Allan but loved Drake more." Cade paused, trying to silence his heart that had started pounding in his ears again.

Jo felt her heart pummeling in her chest when she realized what might be running in Cade's mind, her hands suddenly started trembling a little.

"Jo, in all honesty, and don't just say what you think I want to hear…" Cade paused again, as he gathered his guts on what he was about to say next.

"Jo…" Cade inhaled deeply as if giving himself a chance to change his mind.

"What do I mean to you?"

Jo heard the fear reverberating in Cade's voice and it cut into her heart like a saber. She thought of how to answer his question, of how to best say how she felt towards him.

Cade knew that Jo was thinking of how to put her feelings into words, and as always, waited patiently for her to make up her mind. His heart had already sunk when Jo did not answer his question immediately, but he still wanted to know what his worth to her was.

Jo thought hard for a while, reaching deep in her heart to make sure that what she would tell him would only be the whole truth, not said because it's what he wanted to hear, not said because it's what she wanted to say, but because in her heart of hearts, it was the truth. But she could not come up with a word, the exact word to describe what he meant to her. So she did it the only way she knew how to.

"I turn to you every time I'm down because you make me happy in your own ways." Jo began, her mind churning out words directly transported from her heart. She could feel the pounding of her own heart in her chest, all the while hoping that she could capture in her words how she exactly feels toward him.

"I call you when I'm bothered because your voice is enough to calm my anxieties. I talk to you when I feel alone because your words are enough to make me feel that I'm not alone because I have you in addition to my kids. I know how much you care for me and I found comfort in that. I love feeling your arms around me because I feel safe in them." Jo swallowed back the tears that were threatening to stop her from continuing. For all it's worth, she wanted to let Cade know what was inside her heart. She wanted to make him understand what he meant to her.

"I love looking at your eyes because they tell me who you are, and what you're feeling. I love it when you hold my hands because they promise companionship. I wait around for your calls and texts because they make difficult work days bearable. I know how much you love me and I'm still amazed of how selfless that love is." Jo enumerated all the things that Cade meant to her, wiping at the tears that had forced their way down her cheeks.

"And I want to love you like you love me but I…" Jo swallowed hard as her heart thumped more loudly. "I can't. Yet.I mean…" Jo paused and sighed but then felt her lips slowly tugging up into a small smile.

"I got there, Cade. I finally got there." She felt butterflies in her stomach when she heard her own words. But at the same time she felt her heart constrict in her chest when she remembered that there was something else that she needed to add to what she had just said.

"But…" Jo hesitated as she looked for the right words to say how she was feeling, exactly.

"But you love him more…" Cade finished for her in a low, gentle, somber tone.

Jo shut her eyes, and breathed through her mouth to stop herself from making a sound when she heard his sorrowful voice. She did not want to hurt him but she knew that it was what she was doing. She cried silently not wishing for Cade to hear her heart breaking for him.

Cade felt a sharp pain in his heart as he said the words that Jo could not bring herself to say. But he knew that it was the truth.

"Jo, I never asked you to love me like how much I love you. This is not a competition of who loves more. Just you loving me, no matter how much is enough. I'm not asking for more than what you could give me." Cade said, bracing himself for what Jo would say.

When Jo sat at the corner bench of the precinct that day, she had thought of Cade. While she thought of how Grace told her about their dancing and singing, Jo's mind conjured up images of dolphins, stunning sunsets, and neon, LED lights. When Grace told her how Allan would comfort her whenever the pain would be too much to bear, she thought of how Cade comforted her at the yacht when she had wanted to tell him that she loves him back but could not. She knew then that Cade finally had a place in her heart, although not as much as how she loved Mac, but still, he had a place in her heart.

"I don't want to be unfair to you, Cade." Jo finally said.

"You're not being unfair to me. I know the situation from the very beginning, but I decided to stay with you." Cade was feeling desperate now. He knew they had gotten better together since their California vacation and he could not understand why Jo was suddenly backing out.

"I can't understand why you're suddenly throwing away what we worked so hard to have. Especially you, Jo, you worked so hard for this. I know how you struggled to freed yourself. Why give up now?"

Jo thought of what he had just said. She knew what he said was true; all of it would be the same things that she would tell herself if only her guilt would stop nagging at her and her mind would be clear enough to think even for a second.

"I don't know, Cade. The guilt was just eating me alive."

"You were so afraid of being unfair to me, but have you ever considered if you're being fair to yourself?" Cade asked, giving his all to convince Jo. He did not want to let her go. He knew before tonight that there might be something between them, although to what extent he did not know. Now that Jo finally told him that she loved him too, he did not want her to give up now. He knew they could make things better for them because that was what they did to be able to arrive at where they were now. It had been a long process but here they were now, Jo had finally found a place for him in her heart.

Deep inside, Jo did not want for her relationship with Cade to end. She was happy with him, and the baby steps that she had taken from California had now progressed into big leaps. But she wanted to make sure that it was not only her who was happy and satisfied in this relationship.

"When you went back to New York, you got confused because you went back to your reality and nothing's perfect about it. I understand that, Jo. Had I moved to New York, do you think anything would have changed? The only difference now is that I'm here and you're there and he's the one who's with you all the time. But do you remember when I was there? Can you still remember how you were when I was there with you? I saw that, Jo. There's a little uncertainty, but you were happy. It was like when you were here. We were happy in our own little bubble." Cade paused, thinking of how to drive his point to her heart. He could hear the desperation in his own voice and had thought of how long could he still hold this conversation before Jo finally make up her mind.

Jo nodded at what Cade was saying although she clearly knew that he could not see her. For every argument and memory that Cade would bring up, she felt the guilt that she was feeling getting smaller and smaller, until it had almost shrunk into insignificance.

"Whenever you're having doubts about us, maybe thinking about that little bubble of ours would help ease the worries, erase the doubt. If you're just worried about me, don't be. I'm happy with you Jo. I'm happy with what we have. Don't give up now. Don't give up on us. We've already come a long way." Cade said, waiting for what Jo would say. His heart felt like it was about to burst in anticipation and in dread.

After a while, Jo finally spoke up.

"Promise me one thing, Cade."

"What is it?" Cade asked, feeling his blood rushing to his heart, making it beat faster than he thought it ever could.

"That you would not hesitate to tell me if you're not happy anymore or if you want out already."

Cade shut his eyes in relief. "I promise Jo."

Then it melted his heart when he realized what her words meant. He suddenly felt like the fact that Mac still had a part in Jo's heart was just a small roadblock he could skip on because through her words, Jo had just told him how much she cared for him. And it was enough.

"I've been waiting for a long time to be able to tell you this without worrying if you'd flip, avoid me, or if things would get awkward between us." Cade said, as his heart slowly returned to its normal beating.

"What is it?" Jo asked, the earlier anxiety in her voice had now vanished.

"I love you, Jo." Cade said, affectionately.

Jo felt her heart swell in her chest, warmth coursed through her veins, and little wings fluttered in her stomach as a smile slowly started creeping up her face.

"I love you, Cade."

The nightmares had stopped. The whimpering and sobbing had gone away. But they were replaced by his staring ahead, his mind wandering somewhere faraway from here and not even saying where it had led him to.

Christine watched wistfully at Mac who had been sitting on the couch and staring out the window for the last fifteen minutes and running. He had explained to her about the Johnson case and she had thought that if it was that case, which involved a love triangle, that triggered this reaction from him, she did not know how not to speculate negatively.

The last months had been difficult for her. His nightmares about Jo, the way he called out her name so agonizingly painful, so heartfelt. And with the case now, she could not help but wonder why Mac was acting like this and how these changes connected to Jo. Ever since their relationship began, she had always been amazed at Mac's relationship with Jo. For someone who had spent almost ten years in building strong, stone and steel walls around him, only to tear it all down little by little after knowing Jo for barely a year, that was some feat you would not see every day. And she had always wondered if there was more than what meets the eye.

Christine's mind started wandering back to a small vault of memory that she had kept hidden from Mac. The first time she saw something special between them that made her doubt her purpose in Mac's life was when she tagged along with the team on Lucy's birthday party. When Jo reached up to pinch Mac's cheek, and see him let her do it without any reservation or restriction given, she had felt jealous. That was why she dragged him all the way to the back of the lab to kiss him. She felt the need to do it, and in that fleeting moment of uncertainty she could not understand why she felt the need to do that but after the party, when she was alone in her apartment, she had figured out that she had felt the need to kiss him because it was as if to remind him that she was there.

When Jo showed concern about Mac's memory problem, she was threatened and had doubted herself. She blamed herself for always being with Mac and yet did not even notice anything. She was threatened by Jo's bold move to come to her and ask her when Mac had already denied it. It was only then that she had discerned how much Jo cared for him, willing to risk his ire just to make sure that he was fine. And although she had never thought that Jo could do something unrightful, it had unnerved her to witness that much concern from her.

Christine felt her heart started beating furiously when a forbidden memory persistently crawled its way to her mind. Jo had practically told her that she loved Mac. Her face as she said it tells her that it was not the love you give even to the dearest of your friend. She had given it a thought that time and had formed her own theory about the depth of Jo's love for Mac. But when Mac got out of the surgery and was trying to recover, all thoughts about that exchange was forgotten.

When Jo went missing during their honeymoon, she could not believe her ears when Mac told her that he was going back to New York to help look for her. She could not believe more when he told her after coming back that Jo turned out to be not missing and she had come back to the lab the day he got in, and yet he did not went back to be with her on their honeymoon.

Christine could only hope that things would get better. When Mac proposed to her, she had thought that maybe he was pressured to do it because of all the things that had happened. She had doubted that maybe he felt obligated to marry her because she was with him in the hospital from the moment he opened his eyes after the surgery until he was released and cleared for work. The kidnapping could have also added to the pressure, and most importantly, the riot that had happened just before he proposed to her. She could only wish then that he would not change his mind and cancel the wedding when he had thought things over. But then again, even if he did thought of taking back his proposal, it would be against his nature to actually do it. And that's what was more bothering; to think that he went ahead and married her even after realizing that he had proposed to her by impulse.

Christine took a sip of water from the glass that she had been cradling in her hand since she had sat at the dining table to watch Mac. He's not an impulsive person. The proposal was not an impulsive decision. She said over and over in her mind, trying to convince herself that Mac married her because he wanted to be with her, and not because of any other reason.

Mac felt a hand gently caressing his back.

"Mac, let's go to bed. It's already late." Christine said, stopping herself from saying anything about his ways, not wanting to have another argument that had been happening quite frequently.

Mac nodded and went to bed but did not even get a blink of sleep. His mind had been torturing him alternately with thoughts of Jo entrusting Sid with her burden instead of him, and that never ending, frustrating nagging thought that had been bugging him for the past few days.

How he wished that he could finally find out what that thought was trying to tell him.

If he only knew how much impact it would have when it finally hit him.

I want to express my deepest thanks to all of you guys for still trusting me even though I know that this fic had already sent you into multiple roller coaster rides. Especially for JAC readers that are still reading inspite of the developments. I hope you'd still continue reading and join Jo in her journey to her great love.

To my ever loving reviewers, thank you so so much. My thank you's are not enough to tell you how much I appreciate them. You guys are just the best!