Chapter 26
Edward
August 2000
Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to myself.
Bella wanted to break up with me after she found out I was smoking with Pepper Hill at school. I talked her out of it. This summer has been interesting, though. Her depression is an ugly monster with no regret, and I didn't make anything easy. I betrayed her trust, but what makes it worse is that she expected my actions. Talking about it only leads to a dead-end. I can't stand her shame. She hates my deception.
I didn't intend to mislead Bella. Although, I knew I was doing it all along. I just needed an out, a temporary relief from her constant sadness. It takes its toll on the ones she loves. Especially, me. I never complain because I do it willingly. I will love her forever, but I needed something that was only mine, apart from her.
Bella has built this wall. We still stay up during the night, and we still speak through the window, but she wakes herself up now; if she decides to get out of bed at all. Bella's insistent on having sex. Every time we're alone she tries, and tries, and tries. She tells me I'm scared and accuses me of not wanting her.
But that's not it at all.
I just don't know what the rush is. I touch her and kiss her. I tell her that I fucking love her every single fucking day, but it doesn't seem to be enough.
So she runs to Jake.
Bella says that Jake is her best friend. He understands her. He gets it.
I get it!
I understand her. I have since we were ten years old. What can I say? I ask her not to speak to him, but she throws Pepper Hill in my face. Bella and I love fiercely, but love isn't as simple as it used to be.
I wish I could just take Bella and sink her into me. She tells me she's getting better, but I can see it consuming her. I'll speak to her—at her. Bella will be looking right at me, but she doesn't hear a word I'm saying. Some days I take her to the backyard, behind the tree line where we used to hike when we were younger. She'll bring her radio, and we'll just sit together. Bella will be with me, but she's not close.
Dad tells me I have to keep reassuring her. She has to understand that I love her absolutely. Dad also tells me I have to be careful, that I too, can get stuck in her vortex of self-pity and shame. "It's in her head, son," he'll say.
Mom, Dad, and Alice had a heart-to-heart with me a couple of nights ago. Their faces were so severe. They said things to me like "This isn't healthy," and "She's breaking you down."
They don't understand. When has my sister ever taken responsibility for anything in her life? She gets by on my dad's bill and her stash of pot. Alice doesn't know what it means to love. To love deathly like I love Bella and she loves me. Love isn't easy. Not at all, but love is love, and Bella is all I've ever known.
I hear screaming, yelling, and shriek-snapping.
I sit up in bed and jump toward the window. Today is one of those days Bella didn't get out of bed. I've been waiting for her all day. Most days seem to consist of me waiting on her. I pull back the curtains, and my parents are already out the front door. I see Bella, barefoot and in her pajamas, grabbing at her father's shirt. She's screaming. She's crying. Mrs. Swan is right behind the two of them, and my mom holding her back while my dad tries to pacify the situation.
Alice runs into my room, yelling, "Go to her!" My heart is pounding and my stomach feels flipped. I chase after Alice, passing her at the front door. Bella is on her knees, holding on to Chief Swans legs. I fall beside her.
My dad's shouting, "Get back into the house, son."
I ignore him, holding onto my girl.
"Dad, please. Dad! No, you can't, Dad!" Bella sobs, but the Chief isn't listening.
"Bella, baby, you need to stop," I whisper into her ear. I sigh-song that I love her over and over and over. She is unresponsive until I force her fingers away from her father's leg. She clings onto me, climbing onto my lap and squeezing until I can't breathe. Bella sobs, and her tears drip down my back, onto my skin, soaking my shirt. Over and over she tells me her dad is breaking her glasses. He's so mad at her. So fed up. He's throwing them all away.
Chaos.
I watch him throw the pieces of her broken glasses into the trash. An array of colors, broken and shattered, fall from the box. It would be pretty if the situation wasn't so ugly. I hold her. I kiss her neck and listen to her words until he Chief rips Bella from my arms and tells me.
"Go home, boy," he insists.
I run upstairs to my room, and come back down with a box of my own. A box I've had since our birthday a couple of years ago. I'm screaming, and now I'm crying. All of this for smiles when he makes her so sad. I curse the Chief, and give him back is fucking payment.
Two hundred packs of fun sized M&M's rain on his lawn.
It isn't even a fraction of what he owes me.