Chapter 26!

"I thought you were supposed to be staying with Fin or Nick?" Olivia asked, after spending a half hour cleaning the walls in silence.

"Yeah, well, I was at Nick's, but then Maria and Zara show up. Maria clearly did not want me to be there. I just thought it was time to come back. Take care of myself."

"Well, in my experience, I was so anxious to go back. I begged Brian to take me. When he finally took me, I was just met with flashback after flashback. So, sometimes it's better to have a fresh start, and there's no shame in that. I think you're a lot like me when it comes to that."

"No, it'll be fine. I did it in Atlanta, for years."

Something happen to me on the job.

"What happen when you were in Atlanta?" She only knew bits and pieces, which added up to not a whole lot. Olivia could see there was still horrid memories there, which she had never spoke a word about.

"A lot."

"Like what?"

"I don't even remember half of it. I've tried to block all that out of my memory."

"I know you remember at least some." Amanda nodded. "Will you tell me about it?"

Amanda remembered the words Dr. Adamson had spoken to her, and thought it might not be a bad idea to share. Then, she thought of the night she remembered most, and her brain wanted to shut down completely at the horrifying images that passed through her mind in only a half second.

"I was usually drunk, but this one time... I only had one drink. I remember all of it. I had called in sick to work because of the previous night... It was a couple nights before I left for New York. My sister was over. She answered the door. She was very high. I knew, but I tried to help her, keep her at home until she was good. Anyway, they knew it, and they said they would turn her in. I begged them not to." She took in a deep breath, and Olivia still sat next to her, listening. "They told me I knew what I had to do, to get it to go away. They locked my sister in the other room. I told them not to. I had to go to the hospital the next day, and my sister had no memory of any of it." She shrugged.

"Why didn't you report? They had the evidence."

"No one would've believed me. Rough sex."

"But the bruises?"

"I fell down the stairs. No one even questioned it."

Something not worth pursuing.

"How many times did they assault you?"

"In Atlanta? Clark alone was about five or six times. Them together was I think three."

Her heart truly ached for the young detective sitting next to her. "I'm so sorry you had to put up with all of that."

Amanda casted her eyes downward, and shrugged.

"Hey." Olivia said, searching for Amanda's eyes, and finding them. "They're going to prison for the rest of their lives. You're never going to have to go through that again."

"Except the million times it wants to play over again in my head."

"Those will lighten up, you're gonna be alright." She encouraged.

"Thank you, Liv." Olivia gave her a smile. "And, I'm sorry I yelled at you the other day. I think, I'm just tired of no one trusting me. I can let you know if I can't handle something. I just... I need to get back to work."

"Okay, but let me choose the cases you work, without arguments. You have to believe that I want what's best for you too."

"Okay."

"Now, I think what would be good, is if we could talk about each of those assaults. I know you've never told anyone, and I don't want you to carry the weight of them all on your own. It doesn't have to be all at once, right here, right now, but before I quit 'monitoring' your cases. Sound fair?" Olivia knew trying to get her to see a therapist was out of the question.

I don't need to pay someone to sit and listen to my problems.

"Do you want to tell me every detail about Lewis? I mean..."

Olivia was taken aback a little, she didn't expect that to be thrown in her face. She had been trying to open up with Amanda about her experience after it, and telling her things she had never told anyone else, but not about the assault part... it seemed as if every time she tried to help someone who was struggling, they threw that in her face. She didn't want to tell Amanda every detail about Lewis, but she imagined Amanda didn't want to tell her every detail about Clark and Brian. "I don't want to... but if that's what's going to help you, I will. I haven't not told you because I don't trust you... it's just..."

"I get it. I was just... curious."

"You still haven't answered my question."

Amanda shrugged. She didn't think she could do it. Tell her story for the first time, tell everything she had fought so hard to keep hidden? To her boss of all people? She met Olivia's eyes, and was met with understanding. There was no one she felt comfortable talking to that understood what she was going through as much as Olivia. "I guess so."

"We'll go at your pace, okay. I won't push you." Olivia said, and pulled Amanda in for a hug.

"Daddy! Daddy! Please, please, please!" Zara held up the large stuffed panda he hadn't allowed her to get the last time they were at the zoo.

"Now how are you going to get that on the plane to go back home?"

"He can sit in the seat next to me! Pleeeeease?"

He looked over at Maria for permission, knowing she would be the one to deal with it on the plane and at their house in LA. "If you buy it, you pay for its seat on the plane." She laughed.

Nick looked at his daughter who had her hands folded, and a big cheesy smile on her face. How could he resist that? "Oh, alright."

"Yay! Thank you daddy!" She gave him a great big hug, and then placed the animal on the checkout counter.

Maria smiled. "You never could say 'no,' could you?"

"She's got me wrapped around that little finger, I'll say that much."

"You got that right!" She said with a laugh.

Nick laughed along, and paid for the panda. After, they went for ice cream per Zara's request. While Zara happily ate her oversized ice cream, Nick decided to check up on Amanda, and so he dialed her number.

"Hey."

"Hey, how's it going?"

"I'm okay. I went back to my apartment..."

"What? Are you sure-"

"I'm fine. Liv's here with me. We're just trying to get this place cleaned up."

"Okay. Do you want me to come over and help, or anything?"

"No, we've got it covered. Spend some time with Zara. You never get to see her anymore."

"Alright. You sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine. Bye, Nick."

"Goodbye." He hung up the phone.

"Everything okay?" Maria asked.

"Yeah. Sorry."

He looked at his watch. She was five minutes late. He allowed some time to pass, and looked at his watch again. One minute had passed. Two more minutes passed, and he debated calling to make sure she was alright. Before he had the chance to make up his mind, Amanda came rushing through the doors. "Sorry I'm late." She offered no explanation.

"Let me know next time?" Barba was a little irritated, after having started to become worried about her, and then, her not even offering him an explanation for her tardiness.

"Okay. Sorry. Can we get started?"

"Go ahead and take the stand."

Amanda made her way up, and sat, fidgeting with her nails. "Ask me the questions."

"How do you know Brian Nichols?"

"We used to work together for Atlanta PD."

"And you recently joined forces with Atlanta PD to work a case in which the perpetrator began in Atlanta, and moved on to New York, is that correct?"

"Yes."

"And what happen after you joined the defendant for drinks after work one night?"

"He offered to take me back to my apartment. I thought he was being nice, but he was just trying to find out where I lived." She took a deep breath. "Later... He and..."

"What are you guys doing here?" She asked.

"What do you think? We're only in town for a few days. We've got a lot of catching up to do." Clark said.

"I don't want to talk to either of you." She said, and picked up her phone, but Brian grabbed her wrist.

"We can't talk if you're on your phone." Brian said, taking her phone from her hand.

"Amanda. Do you need a break?"

"No, um... I was... Clark and Brian came into my apartment that night, and raped me for five hours."

"Could you be a little more specific?"

She held in the tears. "I tried to leave, they grabbed me by the wrist. Took me into my bedroom. Raped me in every way imaginable. I told them 'no, please don't.' Then, I quit fighting, knowing it wasn't helping me." She nodded, and looked up at Barba, but avoided his eyes. She wished desperately he would say something, anything. She couldn't take the silence.

"What did you do once they left?" He asked softly.

She looked up at the ceiling. "I showered. I'm so stupid!"

"You're not stupid, and don't say that to a jury."

She looked at him, shocked that he had said she wasn't stupid. "Okay."

Amanda was given a ride to her apartment, and stood in front of the door, fumbling with her keys. She knew Olivia would be there and want to talk, but she really wasn't in the mood. All Amanda wanted to do was, curl up with a blanket in her own apartment, and get a couple hour of sleep without being interrupted. When she opened the door to her apartment, Olivia and Fin were both there with the place completely cleaned up. "Oh my gosh, you guys. You didn't have to do that."

"We know, we wanted to." Olivia said with a smile.

"Thank you." She was nearly in tears, and couldn't find any other words.

"Come here baby girl." Fin said, and brought her in for a hug.

...

They talked for a while, but Amanda was anxious to get them to leave. Fin left right after she asked, but Olivia wasn't so convinced she would be alright. "Please, just for the first night. Then, you can be completely on your own."

"I've been doing fine, Liv."

"Yeah, at Nick's and Fin's..."

"Fine. You can stay on the couch."

"Okay." Olivia said with a smile, and took a seat on the couch.

...

It was three AM. Amanda was awoken by the first nightmare of the night. Fear pumped through her body as she replayed her dream, and her reality over and over. The similarities of the two were too close for comfort. Plus, she was in the same room she had been in, in her nightmare, which did not help one bit. She pulled herself out of her bed, and walked into the kitchen.

Olivia heard Amanda walk in, and decided to watch her for a bit first. She watched as Amanda placed a cup in the microwave, and started searching for something.

Amanda saw a shadow pop up from her living room, and started searching for something to protect herself. Suddenly, both Clark and Brian were there in her apartment, and started to come toward her.

Olivia slowly walked over to Amanda, seeing she was in a panic. "Amanda."

Amanda pulled out a knife from the drawer.

"Woah, it's just me, Olivia."

"Stay away from me!" Amanda shouted, holding the knife in front of her.

"Amanda, you need to listen. It's just me. I'm not gonna hurt you. Can you give me the knife?"

"Yeah."

"Okay." Olivia said, and reached for the knife Amanda held in her shaky hand. Olivia was careful to reach around the blade to grab hold of the handle.

Amanda felt the tip of Olivia's finger on her hand, and swiped the knife downward. There was blood. So much blood. Olivia grabbed her forearm with her arm that hadn't been injured, and looked at Amanda in disbelief.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Liv. I didn't know it was you. Oh gosh, what have I done!?" She managed to choke between tears.

Oh gosh, what has she done? Please leave a review! Also, if this story reaches 200 reviews by its birthday, July 30, I'll update that day with an extra-long chapter!