Chapter 26:
There's a woman pilfered from a recent purge working the canteen.
She's fat. Vegeta doesn't remember her looking that way when the clean-up crew first came in and lined all the survivors up.
They'd raped her.
Remembers the way they'd forced her down, one of the soldiers holding her legs open while the other laid on top of her. Remembers the way the woman's voice had sounded as she'd screamed.
Couldn't take that. Hated that sound. Looked away. Felt sick at it, stomach tight and churning like he was gonna throw up.
"Hey, monkey, you want some of this!?" One of them had noticed him standing there. Made the mistake of glancing back. Soldier on top of the woman had had his penis out, looked weird, engorged with blood. Did something obscene with his hips, grinning at Vegeta as he shoved his penis violently between the woman's legs.
Looked away again, sick feeling worse, head sick, spinning. Didn't want to be there. Wanted to get the hell out. The hell off that planet.
Soldier's laughing.
"Told you he was queer." One of them said. Ignored it. Been called that before. Plenty of times. Frieza would have had his head if he'd done anything about it anyway. Didn't tolerate retaliation for name calling.
Didn't even know what that meant. Queer. Asked Nappa about it once. Big man's face had gone pale when he did, stuttered a moment as he'd started to say something about two men being together. Didn't understand what that meant either. Thought maybe like their unit. They were always together, him and Nappa and Raditz. Didn't know what was strange about that. What was bad.
Big man had gone quiet then, looking at him with that worried look he sometimes got.
"... You don't... don't feel that way 'bout guys, do you Vegeta?" He'd said, and Vegeta couldn't remember him ever sounding so scared.
"No." He'd snapped, not even knowing what he was denying. Just Nappa looked so worried, thought it probably wasn't a good thing to say yes.
Hadn't asked about it since. Still got called it a lot by the soldiers. Didn't care. Didn't matter what they thought.
Keeps looking at the woman, serving the slop they call food. Wonders how she got so fat. Menial labor like her received even fewer rations than the task forces.
"You like her, huh Vegeta?" Nappa elbows him. Shoves the big man away. Hates when he does that. Keeps trying to get him interested in girls. Doesn't seem to get none of the girls are interested in him. Doesn't want them anyway. Whole thing is disgusting. Something weak men do. Men with no control.
"I saw her before. A few purges back." He says flatly. "She was thin then. I don't know how she gained so much weight."
Nappa explodes into loud laughter. The way he laughs when Vegeta's shown his own ignorance about something. Feels himself stiffen, anger building quick in his chest. Has to control it. Getting worse, lately. Smallest things made him want to kill.
"Shut the fuck up Nappa." Half growls, barely holding on. Nappa isn't dumb enough to ignore it, his chortles dying off.
Face feels hot. Embarrassed. Knows he's said something stupid. Doesn't know what though. Keeps his eyes fixed away, staring pointedly at the far wall.
"... What?!" He finally snaps. Hates this. Hates being so stupid. "Why are you laughing?"
Doesn't look at the big man. Face still hot. Sick familiar humiliation closing his throat up.
"... It's just..." Nappa starts after a moment, more pity in his voice now than amusement. Hates that worse. Hates that worse than anything. "She's not fat Vegeta. She's pregnant."
… Pregnant? She was...?
Never seen a pregnant woman. Never, except... Remembers his mother, vaguely. Remembers she'd had his younger brother. Remembers, a little, what she'd looked like, big around the middle. Doesn't remember much else. Thinks of Tarble. Wonders if he's even still alive. Probably not. Wouldn't matter if he was. Never knew him anyway. Mother had taken him a few days after he was born. Left with him. Left him and Father alone...
"Bad luck for her anyway." Nappa's voice snaps him from his thoughts. Looks up at the big man finally, sees him staring at the woman.
Blinks. Never seen a pregnant woman on base. Never seen that.
"Why?" He asks. Could guess, really. No use for a baby here. Anything without a use didn't last long. Not around here.
Nappa shrugs, turning back to his food.
"Baby'll either be killed or sold off. Kill her too, if she puts up a protest."
Knew that. Never seen it. Knew how they disposed of unneeded things though, usually. Shot out into space.
… Least it would be a quick death, he thinks.
Something churns in his stomach. Feels sick a moment.
"Hey, listen to me Vegeta." Nappa's talking again, looking at him now. "You make sure you use protection 'for you fuck one of these broads. Alright? Last thing we need is a half-breed runnin' around. Who knows how Frieza would respond to that shit."
Face twists in disgust. Turns away. Wishes Nappa wouldn't talk like that, sometimes.
Doesn't say anything. Didn't have to worry anyway. Twenty five and still hadn't ever had intercourse with a woman. Never would, probably. Didn't want to anyway. Didn't know how. Looked disgusting, from what he'd seen. Didn't know what the big deal was.
Wonders if Nappa even knows. Keeps talking to him like he's experienced intercourse. Thinks it's just the big man trying to spare him more humiliation.
Took him to his first brothel when he'd turned twelve. Pushed him into a room with some woman. Been scared. Been scared when she touched him. Panicked. Shoved her away, remembers. Had run then. Nappa and Raditz found him later, out on the streets. Asked what happened, what was wrong. Didn't know. Didn't know what was wrong. Just couldn't. Felt like suffocating, he'd been so scared a moment. Could see the woman hadn't wanted to either, anyway. Looked at him like he was dirt.
"Hey little man, you alright?"
"I'm fine." He spits. Doesn't want Nappa's fucking pity. Didn't want that from anybody...
No room for it here.
No room for it anywhere.
/
She's crying. Thick tears streaming down her flushed face.
Hates this. Hates when she cries like this. Doesn't know what to do. Feels like it's his fault. Did something. Did something wrong again. Makes him feel helpless.
Doesn't understand what she's saying. Not really. Says she's pregnant. Says she's pregnant with his child. Says she forgot something. Forgot to do something to stop it from happening. Doesn't understand. Upset though. She's upset. Crying and scared and he doesn't know why, doesn't know what to do. She doesn't want it, he thinks. Doesn't want his child. Maybe why she's crying so badly.
Makes sense, though. Makes sense she wouldn't want it. Not supposed to mate with another, not supposed to procreate unless they've chosen you as their life mate. What he'd been taught. Didn't want to promise herself to him that way. Guesses. Knew she wouldn't. Wouldn't make sense, if she did. Wasn't good enough for her. Must of been realizing that now.
Always knew this wasn't gonna last anyway. Knew that. Shouldn't be so upset about it. Had to control the haze. Anger tight and boiling in his chest suddenly. Had to control it. Couldn't let go.
"Vegeta, say something..." she cries, wiping at her face, and she looks like a child, he thinks. Ignorant and lost and scared.
Didn't know what to say anyway.
Didn't know anything about children. No children on base where he'd grown up. Remembers that. Remembers he'd been the only child. The only one out of the hundreds of thousands there. Had never really been a child though. Been expected to perform as any adult would. Didn't matter he was a boy. Couldn't keep up, then you had no use. No use, no need to have you around.
Remembers Zarbon teaching him that, mainly. Beat the shit out of him every day. Beat him to death almost, some days. No use for children. No use for childish things. No room...
Doesn't know what to say.
Didn't want a child. Didn't think. Never thought of anything like that. Never thought... never thought he'd lived long enough to do anything like...
"Vegeta?" Says his name. Thoughts grind to a halt. Looks at her. Crying still. Calmer though. Face smooth again, beautiful. Fear in her eyes though. Still so much fear.
Shakes his head.
Wants him to say something. Doesn't know what to say.
"So that's it?" Bulma says. Voice angry now. She's angry, wiping at her eyes violently. "That's all you have to say? Nothing? Vegeta, I'm going to have your child! Do you understand that? Do you understand what that means?!"
Yelling at him now. She's yelling, face twisting and mad. Hate. Recognizes that. Hates him. Hates him now.
Red haze again, anger like drowning. Can't breathe, can't think. Her voice harsh, crashing inside his ears. Hurts. Making him angry. Making him so angry.
"Vegeta..."
"Shut UP!" Voice ragged and animal and loud. Watches her flinch back, face pale. Can't stop shaking. Doesn't know what she wants. Doesn't know what she wants from him. Angry. Wants to break something... wants to destroy...
"... Vegeta..."
Shakes his head, teeth hard together.
"Don't..." he warns. Can't hold on. Can't hold on like this. Losing it. Can feel it, he's losing it. "Don't talk anymore. Don't say anything else."
Stares at him, look of shock and fear on her face. Her perfect face. Stupid. He'd been so stupid. Fucking... knew... knew she couldn't really want... wasn't good enough. Too... too fucking ugly. She was too... too much... too perfect... could have anyone... anyone she wanted. Stupid, stupid vanity, let him think... let him think for a moment she could... should have known better. Fucking... should have known. Seen enough women look at him with disgust to know...
Knew he couldn't read now too. Knew that. Must think he was even more pathetic. Must be sickened by him. What chance... shouldn't ever have thought he had a chance... couldn't stand up to her. Wasn't... wasn't enough... never had been...
"Told you you couldn't trust the fucking bitch." Nappa says from the corner.
Hands come up over his ears. Doesn't want to hear that. Doesn't want to listen to the big man. Shut up, shut up, shut up!
"What made you ever think you could get with a broad like her anyway Vegeta?" Raditz says behind her. "Even the sluts never wanted you."
Couldn't... didn't want... didn't want to...
"Vegeta." Bulma's voice. Feels soft hands round his wrists. Standing in front of him, face close, soft hands holding his wrists. "Look at me. Look at me Vegeta."
Doesn't want to. Doesn't want to play this game anymore. Doesn't want to do this...
"Look at me Vegeta." She says. He does. Blue eyes wet with tears, face twisted in pain. "I'm sorry. Vegeta, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get angry. I'm just scared, God damn it. I'm scared because... because I don't know what the hell's going to happen. I don't know what to do."
Doesn't know why she's telling him this. Doesn't know what she wants.
"Will you at least say something, tell me what you're thinking?" She asks. Voice pleading, desperate.
"... There's no place for children." He blurts. First thing he thinks. Only thing he knows about that. No place for children. No place for them in any world.
Wrong thing to say, he thinks, watches her face crumple.
"... Do you really think that?" She asks, voice quiet.
Doesn't know what she wants him to think. Doesn't know what else there is.
"... What I know." He answers. All he knows. Never any place for children where he was.
Watches her head shake, fresh tears slip down.
"I'm keeping it Vegeta. I'm keeping the baby. Whether.. whether you want it or not. Do you understand?"
Doesn't understand that. Doesn't know what she means by that. Doesn't understand what he has to do with it.
"If you want to leave..." she says, voice shaking, scared. "if you want to leave because of it, it's... it's fine. If you don't think you can handle..."
Panic in his chest. Knew she didn't want him. Wanted him to go. Wanted him gone.
"You don't want me here anymore." Says. Doesn't mean to. Can't stop himself.
"What, no... No Vegeta, that isn't what I said. I said if you wanted to go, I would understand. I don't... I don't want you to leave though. If you stayed it would... it would be better. It would be a lot better."
Doesn't understand what she wants. Keeps saying different things. Thoughts all confused. Can't think...
"I don't want to raise a child alone Vegeta." She says. "If I could have you here to do it with me, that's what I would want."
Raise a child.
Doesn't know what that means either. Raise it how?
Wants him with her for it, she says. Wants him to stay. Didn't think... sure for a moment she wanted him gone, sure she hated him, for a moment. Anger in her voice had been real. Mad at him because he didn't know what she wanted, didn't know what to say. Stood there dumb and mute like always, afraid of saying the wrong thing. Made her mad anyway for saying nothing. Didn't understand any of this.
"Vegeta, what... what did you mean when you said there's no place for children? I need to understand what that means."
Means what it means, he thinks. Wasn't complicated.
"Children are useless." He answers. What he'd been taught his whole life. What he'd been shown. Hadn't ever been a child himself. Not really. Kill a grown man when he'd been four years old. That's what he'd been expected to do, what he could do. Made sure he wasn't useless. Killed plenty of children. Killed them for getting in the way. Killed them because he'd been ordered to. Killed them because they did nothing but stand there and scream and cry and couldn't stand it, couldn't, couldn't. Wanted to scream back at them. Same age as him and all they could do was scream and cry. Disgusting, useless. Deserved to die. They deserved it, he thought. Couldn't fight. Couldn't even fight to survive. So what right did they have to live?
Look on her face is sad again, pitying. Looks away. Doesn't need that. Doesn't want it.
"Children aren't useless Vegeta." She says, and her hand is on his face. Wants to lean into it. Holds still though. Still as death. "They mean our future. Don't you see that? It's like you live on through them. If you raise them right, they'll be a testament to your own accomplishments as well as theirs."
Doesn't understand what she means. Sounds absurd. Didn't care about living on through anything else. Lived for himself. Lived for right now. Could only assume right now. Never assume you'll be alive tomorrow. Learned that a long time ago.
Bulma sighs, looking away from him finally. Stopped crying at least. Didn't like to see her cry.
"Just..." she says. Stops. "... Will you stay with me Vegeta? Even if I keep this baby? I don't... don't expect anything, just... will you stay?"
Doesn't want to go. Didn't care if she had a baby or not. Didn't care about any of that. Just wanted to stay with her. Didn't want her to tell him to go. Didn't know if she was asking because she wanted him to go or stay. Said she wanted him to stay. Wanted to believe that. Wanted to so much...
"... I can stay?" He says. Doesn't know what she wants.
"Vegeta, I want you to stay. I said so and I mean it. I'm asking if that's what you want."
Heart beating hard, blood rushing. Asking him if he wanted...
He nods. Doesn't think. Wants to stay here with her. Doesn't want to go anywhere else. Not anymore. Wants to stay with her.
"Okay." She says. "Okay. I'm glad Vegeta. I'm glad you want to stay."
Voice sounds unhappy though, he thinks. She sounds unhappy, somehow. Knot in his stomach from it. Worry and fear. Said something wrong again. Doesn't know what.
"... I..." he starts, stops. "I want to stay..."
She knew that already. Sounded like an idiot to her, probably.
She only nods, eyes sad still.
"I know Vegeta. It's good. Listen, I'm... I'm gonna go for a walk for a little while. I need to think and..."
"I'll go with you." He says. Doesn't want her to go. Can see she's upset. Doesn't understand why. Doesn't...
"No." She says sharply, and fear is worse, tight and nauseating in the pit of his stomach. "No." Repeats more gently. "I... I need to be alone for a little while Vegeta. Alright? I have to think some things through."
"Don't lie to me." He says. Angry again, suddenly. Hates this. Hates that he said something and she won't say what. "You're upset."
Looks at him with weary eyes, gaze sliding away again. Watches as her arms come up around herself, turning from him.
"... Vegeta, I really don't..." starts to say.
"Don't lie to me woman. You're angry. Tell me what it is." Cuts her off. Anger building in his chest.
"You wanna know what it is Vegeta?" Turns on him, face twisting again in fury. "Fine, I'll tell you! I'm fucking pregnant with your child, and you haven't shown the least amount of excitement or interest or even concern. You act like it's something completely meaningless. Something as insignificant as wiping shit off your shoe! How the hell am I supposed to react to that?! You're going to be a father Vegeta, and the most you can come up with is to say that children are useless?! What kind of callous, horrible person says something like that? What kind of man..."
Loses it. Red haze explodes, vision blanking out, thoughts scatter to nothing.
"THEY ARE USLESS!" Screams, voice too loud against his own ears. Bulma stumbles back, eyes wide. Doesn't care. Doesn't care anymore. Stupid, ignorant woman. Stupid fucking bitch. Didn't understand. Didn't understand anything. Steps towards her, right against her, pushes her back against the wall. Eyes wide and horrified, terrified. Doesn't care. Thinks he's something he's not. Thinks she can tell him how things are. Doesn't understand. She doesn't understand how things are. How anything has ever been. Doesn't understand fucking anything.
"You want to know what happened to children where I came from?" He hisses at her, holding her arms. Tears in her eyes. Doesn't matter. Has to know. She has to know what he really is. "They died." He tells her. "They all died. There were no children on Freiza 79. I was the only one."
"I don't want to hear this..." Starts to say, turns her face from him.
"What you want doesn't matter. It's the truth. There were no children because any child born on base was immediately disposed of. They were considered a waste of resources and time and so they were killed, their mothers killed if they tried to resist."
She's crying again, trembling violently in his hold. Keeps talking. Needs to know. She needs to.
"Look at me woman. I only kept myself from being killed by proving useful. I was good at what I did. I was the fucking best at it. You know what that is. Killing. I've killed countless people. I've killed countless children."
"I don't want to hear this! Sh... shut up! Shut up!" She cries. Tries pulling away from him, won't look at him.
Countless nights, he thinks. Countless nights and he couldn't stop seeing all their faces. Horror in their eyes. Couldn't sleep those nights. Could never sleep.
"No! You want to know what kind of a man I am. What kind of a man would say what I did?! I've killed children Bulma. I've killed them because they were in the way. Because they were useless!"
Tears away from him finally. Lets her. Runs from him. Voice broken with sobs.
Lets her go. No point in going after her.
She knew now. Would hate him for sure. Didn't matter. No point in pretending anymore. He'd been a fool.
A damned, stupid fool...
/
AN: Again as always, my deepest thanks to all my readers and reviewers! You guys make this all possible, and are such an inspiration! I hope you continue to enjoy, and again, if you have the chance, please let me know your thoughts!