Thank you so much for the reviews! I'm gonna be honest, I wrote most of this while I was drunk and I'm submitting it still slightly drunk but I didn't want to wait until morning. Please let me know what you think and if you have any suggestions as to where you want to see the story go!
From the moment Olivia had been sexually assaulted, she had craved a shower. At the ER, it was the first thing she'd though about when they'd brought her to the room that had been saved for her arrival.
During the car ride to the ER was when Olivia had decided that she wasn't going to have the rape kit done. There was no reason to put herself through that trauma again and even if there had been, she couldn't honestly say she'd have gone through with it.
Olivia had opted not to shower at the ER though. There was too much going on and too many people around. She wanted to be able to take a hot, long shower in a normal sized bathroom that didn't have a cramped tiny shower in the corner like the hospital rooms did. Her ER room didn't even have a shower, none of the ER rooms did. She would have been escorted to the bathroom on the upper floor with the shower that the nurses let patients in the ER use when a shower is absolutely necessary.
Olivia had decided she would just wait until she got home, even though she was almost ready to crawl out of her skin. She could still feel him on her, feel his skin on hers and his breath and kisses on the side of her neck. She felt disgusted.
Lewis had broken her. He'd done the worst possible thing to her. She would have wished he'd killed her but then that would have left him alone with Amelia. He stole something from Olivia, something that she would never be able to get back. She'd always had baggage, always had things that she carried on her back like her mom's abuse and alcoholism, being a rape baby, Sealview, how Lewis had tortured her last time but this was something different, something more horrible and she was afraid this would be her end, that she wouldn't be able to come back from this.
The brunette was glad it hadn't taken an awful long time to give her statement to Tucker. She was even more grateful that he hadn't been a total asshole.
They had taken her clothes and shoes for evidence while Tucker had been interviewing Fin, they even took her golden necklace since it was splattered with blood. It didn't matter to her though. Even when they would return her clothes in a couple of weeks after CSU was done with them, she'd probably throw them away or burn them. If she was being honest, she didn't even want to wear the necklace anymore.
After her various levels of shock had worn off, she was stuck on autopilot. It's how she'd been able to stay so calm at the hospital, how she'd been able to talk to Fin and Tucker without completely falling apart. But of course, she was a special victims sergeant, she was well aware of her body and the fact that she was on autopilot. It happened to many victims after a sexual assault or rape. It was uncontrollable and she was also aware that whenever autopilot would come to an end, she would crash, hard.
After Tucker had left the room, she'd gone back to her own. She'd shut the door behind her and took in the silence as she sat down in her blue scrubs on the hospital bed.
CSU took only her surface clothes because the blood spatter was on them. Olivia had asked to use the bathroom while Tucker was interviewing Fin and she had changed clothes there as well, bagging the specific articles of clothing in evidence bags for CSU. She had been allowed to keep her underwear and bra but when she had changed into the scrubs, she's slipped her underwear off as well, opening the big trashcan in the corner of the bathroom, taking some trash out, stuffing her panties in there, and piling the trash back on top of them. She couldn't wear them anymore, not now that they had Lewis' semen on them and they smelled like him in her opinion.
Olivia had also gotten some paper towels from the dispenser, wet them, and wiped herself off between her legs as best she could. It had been slightly painful and she knew she'd be sore for a while. It was nothing compared to a shower but it'd have to do. Her hips were sore as well, she had fingernail marks from where Lewis had dug into her skin during the sexual assault, she knew she'd have bruising there too, eventually.
It had taken all her strength to not claw at her own skin. In that moment, looking down at her hips, she had wanted to crawl out of her skin and become someone else but she had shaken her head at her thoughts.
Sitting back in her room on the bed, the doctor had finally come in. He'd told her it'd take some time to get her test results back but physically that she seemed to be okay. The nurse had told him she'd taken the pills for emergency contraception and STIs. He offered to do a rape kit for her once more but she politely declined just as she had with the nurse. The doctor reminded her that she'd need to be back in a month for another round of blood tests. Sometimes it takes STIs and STDs a little while to show up in someone's system. She knew this of course and nodded her head in understanding.
They'd told her they wanted to keep her overnight for observation but she had strongly declined, asking them to bring her the discharge papers as soon as they could have them ready. The doctor reluctantly agreed and left her room, leaving her door cracked.
Tucker had clearly been using the room next door to continue to interview the rest of the squad because she could hear his voice coming from the hallway through the cracked door. It was procedure and she hated it.
Olivia got up and walked closer to the door to see what was going on.
Tucker had apparently just finished up interviewing Amanda and was sending her off to the waiting room to retrieve Nick.
"Thank you for your cooperation, Amanda." He said to her lightly. Tucker was all about being a decent human being today apparently.
The blonde smiled back at him. Olivia noticed there was a twinkle in the younger woman's eye as she stared at the two of them through her cracked door.
"And thank you for being civil and decent today…" Amanda trailed off. "Listen, I'm sorry about earlier, I didn't mean any harm. I just…"
Tucker stopped her by putting his hand on her shoulder.
"It's fine…" He told Amanda. "She's your co-worker and you care about her, I get it…" Tucker stated understandingly. "Just don't let it happen again…." He said, being serious but giving her a small smile to let her know it wasn't a threat.
Tucker dropped his hand from her shoulder as she nodded. Amanda looked up at him and smiled.
Olivia cocked an eyebrow and tried to figure out if this was innocent or not. She couldn't tell. She couldn't really get a read on either of them.
Amanda turned to go back out to the waiting room to get Nick but Olivia opened her door wider and stopped her.
"Amanda…" Olivia called and the blonde looked over, as did Tucker.
"Can I see you for a sec?" she asked her.
Tucker told Amanda to go and that he'd go retrieve Nick himself. Amanda mumbled a "thank you" before following Olivia into the ER room.
Olivia walked over and sat on the bed, waiting for Amanda to shut the door behind her.
"How are you doing?" Amanda asked her, shutting the door and walking to stand in front of the brunette, looking at her with concerned eyes.
Olivia gave her a fake smile. "I'm fine…"
Amanda nodded, accepting her answer.
"I called you in here to ask a favor…" Olivia told her.
"What is it?" Amanda asked.
"Will you give me a ride home?" the older woman asked cautiously.
"Of course…." Amanda responded, slightly confused. "But you know, Fin is still here too if you'd rather-"
"No." Olivia told her quickly. "I'd rather you do it… if you don't mind…" Olivia said lightly and Amanda nodded, deciding not to question the brunette.
Olivia didn't want Fin to take her home because he'd pick up on the fact that something wasn't quite right with her and she didn't want to talk about anything just yet.
Amanda sat down in a chair by the window as they waited for the nurse to bring in the release forms. It only took about fifteen minutes. Olivia signed them and she was free to go.
The blonde held the door open for Olivia but Olivia stopped her.
"I uh… I don't want to walk through the waiting room. Can you pull the car around to the side and I'll meet you there?" Amanda gave Olivia a questioning look but smiled in agreement, heading off down the hall to fetch the car. There were too many officers and people she knew for Olivia to make the walk through the waiting room. Not to mention there were news crews outside because they had picked up on the fact that something big had happened today.
Olivia headed down another hallway to the side exit, and waited for Amanda's arrival.
Within minutes the blonde had pulled up in the maroon unmarked cop car that Nick had driven Olivia to the hospital in.
Olivia eased herself into the front passenger seat. She was still in her scrubs and now she was sporting a pair of ugly, cheap, white flip flops that the hospital had gifted her being that her shoes had been taken as evidence. She looked a bit ridiculous.
Amanda pulled out into the street and they were on their way. The blonde was surprised that Olivia had called on her. She wasn't sure why she had, but she accepted it.
"Do we need to stop anywhere or you want me to take you straight home?" Amanda asked lightly as she glanced at Olivia, then turned her eyes back to the road.
Olivia thought for a moment. She was contemplating what to do, which road she wanted to go down so-to-speak.
"Yeah actually…" Olivia said in an uneven voice. "Can you stop at the corner store on the way to my apartment? You don't have to get out, you can park out front, I'll only be a minute." She asked the younger woman.
"Sure," Amanda replied lightly.
Within a few minutes, Amanda had pulled up to the store. Technically you weren't supposed to park out front like this, it was a tow zone but Amanda was a cop. If anyone tried to give her any trouble, all she had to do was flash her badge. She was in an unmarked cop car after all.
Olivia hopped out and true to her word, she didn't take long. She ran inside, grabbing a small basket to put her items in as she walked.
She picked up about six bars of chocolate. She wanted them and she would need them later. Olivia went to the alcohol section. Going against her instincts, she picked up three tall glass bottles of Gray Goose vodka, she had hesitated but she picked them up none-the-less and put them in the basket on top of the chocolate. Then she picked up two of the smaller, plastic, flask shaped bottles of vodka because they were easier to hold and she wasn't planning on using a cup. She wasn't planning on becoming an alcoholic either though, but after what she'd just been through, she deserved a drink, even if it was her mother's drink…
Olivia was walking a thin line but she was trying to keep her bearings. Officially, she'd be on mandatory leave for at least a month and she'd be forced to go get her head shrunken again. She'd need to be cleared psychologically before they'd let her work again but Olivia didn't want to think about this now.
As she was walking towards the check-out counter, she passed the women's care isle and stopped. Olivia turned slowly to her left and her eyes glazed over as she stared at the pregnancy tests that sat on the top shelf.
Olivia swallowed as she reached out slowly and grabbed two of them, tossing them into her basket. The brunette knew she wouldn't go back to the hospital for a pregnancy test, she'd rather just take them at home in a few weeks and get it over with. She honestly didn't want to think about the possibility of what she'd go through if they were positive.
She hustled to the check-out counter and the man began ringing up her items. He gave her a look as he ringed up the vodka and pregnancy tests back to back. Olivia ignored him. He put the chocolate in a separate small bag, and sat the vodka bottles in a big brown paper bag with the pregnancy tests beside the vodka, on top of the smaller, plastic bottles.
Olivia grabbled the bigger bag with one arm, and put the small bag of chocolate in her hand. Pushing open the door, she exited the store and got back in the car.
Amanda heard the bottles clash together as she started to pull away and gave Olivia a glance. Olivia noticed but kept her eyes on the road in front of them.
"I'm not judging…" Amanda said lightly. "I would need a drink too after the day you've had…" she commented.
Olivia reached down, grabbing a bar of chocolate out of the smaller bag and throwing it in Amanda's lap.
The brunette huffed. "Here," she said as she threw it lightly. "Have some chocolate." Then Olivia turned to stare out of her window.
"Thank you…" Amanda said with a small smile, picking up the bar and slipping it in the cup holder so she could eat it later.
They rode in silence for a couple minutes and the blonde could tell Olivia was deep in thought. Traffic was heavy and it'd take a few more minutes to get to Olivia's place.
"It's a bad idea…" Olivia said lightly, turning her head to look at Amanda.
"What is?" Amanda commented, turning to look at her. Traffic was at a standstill because the red light was backed up so Amanda didn't need to keep her eyes on the road right now.
"Tucker…" Olivia responded in a hushed voice, staring at the younger woman to get a read on her. Amanda stared back with a blank face. Apparently, she had a good poker face, which the brunette should have expected because the young woman was a gambling addict after all.
Amanda turned her head back towards the road even though they were clearly still stopped. "I'm not…" she answered.
Olivia took a breath. "It looked like you might… at the hospital earlier in the hallway…" the brunette stated.
Amanda huffed in response.
"He come onto you?" Olivia asked, wondering if Tucker had actually been a slime ball today without her knowing. He had been so out of character earlier.
"No," Amanda answered strongly. "It was mutual… it's not turning into anything…"
Olivia turned her face forward to stare at the car in front of them, mirroring the blonde.
"If it does, just be careful… that's all I'm saying…." Olivia told her lightly.
"I'm not going for him… I promise." Amanda confided in Olivia. "I won't say it's not temping though…" The blonde reluctantly told her, rolling her eyes. "But it's a no-go, I promise." Amanda told her.
Olivia nodded her head in acceptance. "Alright." She answered, not expecting Amanda to tell her even if she were to go for Tucker.
They were quiet again as traffic finally moved. Olivia couldn't wait to get home and take a shower. She wanted to feel clean again but deep inside, she knew she wouldn't feel clean again for a very long time.
Traffic came to a stop at a couple red lights down and Amanda took this as an opportunity to turn the tables on Olivia.
"You care to tell me about the pregnancy tests in your bag?" Amanda said lightly, hoping Olivia wouldn't feel attacked.
Olivia's head turned so quickly to the blonde that she thought she might have gotten whip lash.
"What!?" Olivia responded in surprise.
Amanda took a deep breath. "You heard me…" She whispered lowly.
"You're gonna pretend you didn't see them…" Olivia told her firmly, giving the younger woman a glare.
"I will… you have my word…" Amanda responded. "But… I'd like to know what's going on… if you don't mind telling me?" Amanda asked, casting a glance at Olivia and then looking back at the road as traffic started to move again.
Olivia's lips pressed together in a thin line. "It's not your concern, Amanda…" Olivia whispered slowly.
"It may not be…" Amanda replied. "But I care and I'm concerned." She stated firmly.
Olivia swallowed hard.
"You've done a lot for me," Amanda continued when she realized Olivia was going to stay silent. "You got me back on my feet… saved me from gambling my life away…" she said. "If there's anything you need me to do, I'll do it… I owe you, Liv." Amanda finished, casting another glance at Olivia as she pulled into the parking garage for Olivia's apartment.
Olivia took a deep breath.
"I need you to forget you saw the pregnancy tests…" Olivia trailed off, turning to her left and looking Amanda bluntly in the eyes. "Forget you saw this… please." Olivia requested lightly, pleading with the young woman.
Amanda took a deep breath now as she pulled into a parking space.
"I will…" the blonde replied. "But tell me, if you were pregnant… who'd be the father?" The blonde questioned, scared she might already know the answer.
Olivia paused with her hand on the door handle.
"If I answer you… you don't tell Fin, you don't tell anyone. And you don't come up after me. Deal?" Olivia asked the younger woman.
Amanda swallowed hard now, her eyes full of fear and caution.
"Deal." She whispered in agreement.
"Lewis…" Olivia answered, her whisper matching the blonde's. "Lewis would be the father…" she had replied.
Amanda was instantly in tears. The car was now in park and they were sitting still.
"No!" Amanda replied strongly. "Oh God… we didn't get to you in time…"
"Hey," Olivia told her softly, "I'm gonna be okay," she promised her. "I'm gonna be fine… I need a few days to get my head together and figure out how to deal with this… but I'll be alright." Olivia told her strongly. Olivia wasn't strong by any means but she wanted to keep up the stance for Amanda. "I'm on mandatory leave anyways… I got time…"
The blonde sniffled, wiping the tears from her eyes.
"Olivia," the younger woman started, fully turning her body towards Olivia now. "I'm sorry we didn't get there in time, I'm so sorry." She'd told Olivia frantically, which made Olivia have tears in her own eyes.
"It's alright," Olivia told her, reaching out to grab Amanda's hand and squeezing it. "This isn't on you and I knew the risks when I slipped the detail and met with Lewis… this isn't on you or any of the squad…" Olivia told her strongly. "I'm going to take some days," Olivia said, sniffling. "I'm going to go back to therapy, get my head on straight, and I'll be back better and stronger than ever." Olivia had told Amanda but she didn't fully believe it. She didn't believe it at all if she was being honest. She was already contemplating turning her papers in, retiring and cooping herself up in her apartment for the rest of her life. Even as she was talking with Amanda and filling the young woman full of lies that she didn't believe, she felt like she'd already lost the battle.
Lewis had wanted to do something to Olivia that would stay with her forever, that would haunt her even after he was long dead, and he had succeeded, he'd done the most evil thing… he'd raped her.
Amanda was in awe at how strong Olivia had managed to be even though she'd been so brutally sexually assaulted. But then again, Amanda didn't realize Olivia was putting on an act for her.
"Don't tell Fin or anyone else…" Olivia said in a whisper. "Promise?" Olivia asked.
"Yeah, I promise," Amanda replied, wiping her face of her tears.
"And promise me one more thing…" Olivia stated. "No more gambling… don't let this make you relapse… promise?" Olivia asked again.
Amanda bit her lip and huffed.
"I'm gonna try my best. I promise you that…" She said strongly, willing herself not to cry.
"You got me, Fin, even Nick… Between one of us, we'll save you… We'll be your saving grace…" Olivia whispered to Amanda, grasping the young woman's hands in her own. "Please, just come to one of use… please…" Olivia pleaded to her.
The irony was almost hilarious. Olivia was pleading the younger woman not to give into her demons when she herself was planning on going up to her apartment, taking a long ass shower, and getting wasted.
Amanda nodded her head. "I will… I will."
Olivia gave her a light smile. "Good…" she'd commented.
"If you need help tonight though…" Olivia started. "I'd call Fin or Nick…" She said. "Because I'm probably gonna be fucked up beyond recognition…" Olivia admitted as she looked into the brown paper bag that was full of vodka bottles.
Amanda nodded her head in understanding as Olivia started to get out of the car.
"I uh… I've been through too much today…" Olivia replied.
"Yeah, I know the feeling…" Amanda told her but Olivia got the feeling that Amanda wasn't just talking about the hard day. The brunette could have sworn Amanda was commenting on her rape.
"Amanda?" Olivia tried before she stepped out of the car.
"Go…." Amanda told the older woman. "I'm going to go pick Fin up at the hospital and take him home… we'll be fine… and so will you…" she told Olivia.
The brunette gave her a weak smile before shutting the door and walking to her building with her booze in hand.