Yes, I'm alive, in case you were wondering. I know it's been beyond forever since I've updated and I'm so sorry about that. I thought I'd be able to squeeze in writing this story at the same time I was writing my thesis, but it didn't work out so well, I'm afraid. I just got much too stressed and had to put everything else on hold. But the good news is I have now completed my Master's degree and am back writing again :)
Unfortunately, there's also some bad news that I feel the need to express. It is also part of the reason why it took me so long to update. About a month ago I discovered that someone had taken this story, word for word, and posted it on another website without my permission, under a different title of 'I trusted you.' I contacted the admins of the site, informing them of the plagiarized material, and they removed it promptly; however, I was very upset when it happened and my inspiration to write simply deserted me for a while. I honestly never expected to be so upset by it, but I put my heart and soul into my writing and it just really hurts to discover someone else posting it, especially since I've been writing it for about a year and a half now. And to think it was posted within a few days,without even any reference back to me as the author…it just REALLY hurts. I actually found out about it on the very same day that I passed my defense exam (August 23), by means of an email from another author (I am very grateful to her for letting me know about it) who also had their story stolen by the same person. Needless to say, some of the excitement I felt for passing my exam was lost. Anyway, I just wanted you all to be aware that this kind of thing is happening in the fanficiton world and to keep your eyes peeled.
That being said, I am back on board with writing this story and I want to thank all of you that are still with me! I'd especially like to thank those of you that sent me such encouraging messages/reviews and made me feel so loved.
Disclaimer: Everything twilight related belongs to Stephenie Meyer. I only own the plot. No copyright infringement is intended.
Chapter 26
BPOV
Sighing heavily, I flopped down on my bed, wishing I could just crawl under the covers and hide. Renee was due to arrive shortly, and soon after that Edward would be coming to pick the both of us up for our lunch date.
Maybe I could just say that I wasn't feeling well, I thought hopelessly, knowing fully well it would never work. They'd know I was lying. Besides, it would only delay the inevitable.
As if on cue, a loud knock at the front door resounded throughout the house, giving rise to the impending doom. I didn't move from where I lay on my back staring up at the ceiling. Charlie would answer it. I wanted to have a moment to myself to bask in the calm before the storm. No, make that more of a tornado, I amended, because, less than a minute later, Renee was already barreling up the stairs and announcing her arrival. I glanced at the clock on my bedside table and groaned. Not a good sign. Renee had arrived almost ten minutes earlier than expected. She was usually such a scatterbrain that arriving on time was an impossibility, let alone early. But the keyword was usually. She was usually a scatterbrain. Because then there were those rare instances when she had her mind rigidly set on one specific thing. Or goal. Or target.
Like uncovering the truth about Edward.
Just as that thought ran through my mind, Renee paraded into my room without an invitation, and I jerked upright, my eyes darting around as if expecting to see the words, My boyfriend is a vampire and we're engaged to be married plastered about the walls. God, maybe Edward was right. Maybe I was overacting about Renee's desire to 'get to know him better.' But he was just way too calm and accommodating about it. He'd even gone and made a reservation at the restaurant, for pity's sake!
"Bella! How's all the schoolwork going?" Renee asked me as she bent to give me a quick hug before dropping down on the bed beside me.
"I've definitely got lots of it," I said with a humorless laugh. I knew that my pile of schoolwork was the only thing keeping this outing from turning into a whole day event, and I wasn't about to give her cause to reassess that fact. Besides, I did have a huge pile of schoolwork. Why not use it to my advantage?
Renee squeezed my shoulder sympathetically. "Well try not to get too stressed. You know we'll be proud of you no matter what."
I just nodded, and she changed the subject. "It's a shame it's not sunny today, isn't it?" she commented, glancing out the window at the typical cloudy sky.
I followed her gaze to the window and nodded again. It certainly is a shame, I thought to myself. I'd been hoping it would be one of those rare sunny days so that Edward would be forced to cancel our plans. No such luck.
I tore my gaze back to my mother and took in her attire. She was wearing a white blouse and a flowered skirt that went just past the knees. The outfit wasn't extremely dressy, but it wasn't exactly casual either. Great. Another indication that she was completely focused on this outing.
I looked down at my own outfit. Unlike Renee, I was casually dressed, wearing jeans and a plaid, button-down shirt with three-quarter length sleeves. And I plan on staying casually dressed, thank you very much, I thought.
When I looked up again, Renee was staring down at my hands, and when she reached out to pull my arm toward her, I realized that her gaze was locked on my bracelet.
"Edward gave it to me," I told her quickly.
"So I see," she said with a frown. It was obvious she'd read the engraving and wasn't too happy about.
Annoyed, I yanked my arm away.
Renee's worried gaze settled on my face. "You two are pretty serious, aren't you?"
"So what if we are?" I snapped. "What's it to you, anyway?"
She sighed. "I just don't want to see you get hurt."
I took a deep breath, then exhaled slowly. "I know. But you don't have to worry about Edward, Mom."
She glanced at my wrist again. "It just seems like a bit of an extravagant gift."
"It's just a bracelet," I reasoned.
"With a diamond, and some very powerful words," she added.
My eyes widened. "Did you say diamond?"
"Really, Bella. Did you think I wouldn't be able to tell? I know a diamond when I see one."
And apparently I didn't, I added to myself as my gaze dropped to the tiny heart charm. It didn't really look so tiny anymore. A diamond? But even as I questioned it in my head, I knew a part of me had always known. I'd just chosen to look the other way. I'd never actually asked Edward if it was a diamond, so he hadn't needed to lie to me about it. He'd just allowed me to believe what I'd wanted to believe. He'd known that I would've made a fuss about accepting such an expensive gift. It seemed silly now, though. What did it matter if it was a diamond or not? It was a priceless heirloom. Edward had given me something that was precious to him. That was what mattered. And it meant more than I could ever say. "It was his mother's," I explained, meeting Renee's gaze again. "His biological Mother's."
Before she could comment on that, I heard a car pull up in the driveway, signaling Edward's arrival, and I jumped to my feet.
"Well he's definitely punctual," Renee remarked as we left the room to meet him downstairs.
This is so not good, I thought. She hadn't even faced him yet and she was already passing judgments.
When we arrived downstairs, Charlie was opening the door to let Edward in, and as Edward politely greeted my parents, I frowned when I saw that, like Renee, he was semi-casually dressed. Why were they making such a big deal about this outing?! It was just a stupid lunch date! Still, I couldn't help but notice how unbelievably perfect he looked in that light blue dress shirt, with the cuffs rolled up to expose his forearms, and— That's beside the point, Bella! I reminded myself. The point was…
My heart skipped a beat when he turned to flash me his dazzling smile. What was the point again?
He stepped toward me, and when Renee turned away for a moment to grab her handbag, he bent to whisper in my ear. "Relax, Bella. I told you I could handle her."
Yes, that was the point, I remembered, as Renee turned back to face us and I took in the way she was watching us closely. The point was that I was beginning to feel like we were about to go on trial for God knows what, and Edward was annoyingly calm about it.
"Are we all set, then?" he asked brightly.
"All set," Renee agreed.
Edward pulled the door open wide and gestured with his hand. "Ladies first."
Renee nodded in acknowledgment, then stepped outside, and I turned to send Charlie an imploring look, as if he might somehow rescue me from my misery. To my chagrin, however, he looked highly amused, the laughter in his eyes very evident as he took in my expression.
Damn him! He knew darn well what Renee was like, and that when she'd suggested this lunch it hadn't been merely a friendly gesture. Now he was goading me because he didn't have to sit through it.
"Have fun," he said, smiling knowingly at me.
I sent him a murderous look, but he just grinned broader, and when I turned on my heel to face the door, I caught Edward trying to stifle a laugh as he exchanged glances with Charlie.
"Traitor," I seethed under my breath, knowing he would hear me.
His quiet laugher rang out behind me as I stomped off toward the car.
xxxxx
Although the drive was long, the conversation was kept surprisingly light and simple. I knew we weren't going to get off that easy, though. Renee was just charging herself up for the upcoming interrogation. The worst was yet to come.
We arrived at the restaurant exactly in time for our one o'clock reservation. We had opted to have lunch in Port Angeles, supposedly because of the limited selection of restaurants in Forks, but I knew that that wasn't the main reason. Edward had been trying to spare me—just for today, anyway—from all the gossip circulating around in Forks, most of which revolved around me.
After parking the car we headed to the restaurant's front entrance, and as I started to follow behind Edward, I found myself reaching out a hand to touch his arm before remembering our unspoken minimal contact rule around Renee and dropping it back to my side. What was the matter with me, anyway? It seemed that lately I couldn't shake the need to be connected to him through some kind of physical contact.
Though I'd barely even touched him, apparently Edward had noticed, because when my hand fell to my side, he caught it firmly in his. What was I thinking? There was nothing wrong with holding hands, and Renee could just stuff it for all I cared.
Refraining from casting a glance in her direction to see if she'd noticed, I focused my attentions straight ahead as we approached the door to the restaurant.
Upon first inspection of the interior and a quick glance at the menu posted just outside the door, the restaurant fell into the casual dining category, but its location and view placed it on the higher end of the scale. Despite the fact that I was anything but eager about the lunch date, even I had to admit that there was a beautiful view. From the north there was a view of the Ferry Coho and the working harbor, while the west facing windows displayed the Olympic Mountains. After Edward supplied the hostess with our reservation name of Cullen we were led to a table near the front of the restaurant with a view of the harbor. Always the gentleman, Edward waited until Renee and me were seated opposite each other in the two window seats before taking the seat beside me. It was pretty busy, but at least the tables weren't cramped together.
Of course, Renee spent several minutes going on about the scenic view and how it would be nice to take the Ferry Coho—which traveled from Port Angeles to Victoria BC—and visit Canada. I wished she would just cut the small talk and get on with the interrogation so that we could all go home.
My sour mood only intensified when the waitress came to take our order and I took in the way she was eyeing Edward as if he were a piece of meet to be devoured. I guess I should've been used to it by now, but instead it annoyed me more than ever. After introducing herself as Kaylee, and supplying Renee and me with a fake smile, she shifted her attention to Edward, her smile suddenly way too friendly.
I gritted my teeth together. Could she be anymore obvious? Sure, Edward would know what was on her mind anyway, but that was beside the point. No doubt he was so used to women falling all over him that he barely noticed anymore. Kind of like how they never seem to notice that he's with me, I seethed inwardly. Or rather, none of them could imagine that he would be interested in someone of obvious ordinariness. Not that she's anything special, I tried to convince myself, studying the appearance of the women before me. She didn't have a stunningly beautiful face, but she did have a killer figure and was far from ugly.
I suddenly wished that I'd dressed up a little after all.
When she 'accidentally' dropped her notepad and bent to retrieve it, supplying Edward with a clear view of her ample cleavage, I had the overwhelming urge to thrust my engagement ring under her nose—the ring in which, I might add, was currently not in my possession. I should've made more of an effort to convince Edward to just forget about what my parents thought and give me that damned ring.
When she then proceeded to list the specials of the day—much too slowly for my liking—I'd had all I could take of her ogling my fiancé. After a glance down at the menu in front of me, I blurted out the first dish listed, interrupting her while she was reciting the appetizer of the day—and pulling her gaze from Edward.
Renee raised her brow at me, but I ignored her. I was entitled to be in a bad mood, thank you very much. And this whole stupid outing had been her idea.
xxxxx
About an hour later, I'd managed to calm my nerves—somewhat. The conversation and questions had flown smoothly enough so far, but it wasn't over yet.
Renee had just been asking what Edward planned to do after high school, and I'd been sure to tell her that he had received early acceptances into all the Ivy League schools he'd applied to.
"So Carlisle will be paying your tuition, then?"
"Mom!" I admonished before Edward could answer. "Don't you know it's rude to ask stuff like that?" She was fishing for information, and the topic of the Cullens' finances was something to keep her well away from.
"Oh that's quite alright. I don't mind," Edward said.
Of course not, I grumbled to myself. What else was he supposed to say? That he did mind? I think not.
"I'm able to pay for my own expenses," he continued. "When my parents died they left me everything they had, but Carlisle and Esme gave me the one thing they left me without." He smiled. "A family."
That's it; I'm keeping my mouth shut from now on, I promised myself. Apparently Edward had the perfect answer for everything. Not only had he somehow managed to tell her he had plenty of money without actually saying it, but he'd also come up with a perfectly reasonable explanation for how he'd obtained it.
"It sounds like you're very close with them," Renee observed.
Edward's devotion to his family was one thing that certainly wasn't a lie. Earlier, Renee had questioned him about his past and he'd had to explain his whole life story of how his real parents had died when he was four and Carlisle and Esme had adopted him when he was eleven. Of course, none of that was true, but the love and respect that had shone in his eyes whenever he'd spoken of Carlisle and Esme was as true as anything could get.
"Yes," Edward responded, "I can't even imagine what my life would've been like without them."
I turned to study him. Despite the lies spoken for Renee's benefit, there had been underlying truths that I'd picked up on, and I was amazed to realize that, within the last hour, I'd somehow gotten to know him even better—something I never would've thought possible.
"Speaking of which," Edward added, "Esme has been pestering me ever since you arrived to have you around for dinner. She's dying to meet you."
I groaned inwardly. Dinner with Renee at the Cullens' would be bad enough, but what was worse, I knew that, during the dinner, Esme would be offering for Renee to stay with them at the Cullen house.
"Oh, of course!" Renee exclaimed. "I'd love to meet your family."
They discussed the particulars of the dinner get-together later in the week and then Renee asked about Edward's siblings, and, just like I had for the majority of the last few hours, I remained silent. Edward had handled everything Renee had thrown at him since the beginning of our lunch outing, so I was inclined to let him continue to handle everything. Even though Renee's idea of 'getting to know him better' wasn't turning out to be quite as terrible as I'd feared, she had been hitting him with a lot of questions. That alone was enough to annoy anyone, but Edward had taken everything in stride. His unperturbed attitude was helping to keep me calm, but I still hadn't been able to relax completely, and I'd barely touched any of my food; I'd just spread it around on my plate to make it look like I'd eaten some of it.
As if pulling that thought out of my mind, I noticed Edward glance down at my plate and frown before returning his attention to Renee. Luckily, she didn't notice, and I forced myself to swallow a few mouthfuls of Chicken Fettuccini. After the second mouthful, I grabbed my glass of soda from the table and my eyes fell to Edward's plate. How on earth was he managing to make it look like he'd been eating his? At first I'd thought he'd just been doing what I'd been doing, but now there was no mistaking that at least half of his steak was gone.
I continued to stare at his plate in bewilderment. Granted, he had suffered through a few mouthfuls, but there was no way he'd eaten over have of it, of that I was sure of. But then what the heck had he done with it? Stashed it under the table? It was crazy, but I was so baffled that I couldn't help myself; I had to look, if only for my own sanity.
Unfortunately, I wasn't paying close enough attention when I lowered my glass back to the table, and I released my hold just as the bottom edge of the glass hit the edge of my plate. In the same split second that I realized the glass was going to topple off the edge of the table and hit the floor between Edward and me, Edward's hand shot out and caught it before it could meet its fate.
"Whoa!" Renee exclaimed, her eyes wide. "Nice save."
There was a brief but horrifying moment when I was sure that Edward had just made the one slip-up that would send everything crashing down around us. He had moved way too quickly for a human. This was it; she would figure everything out.
But Edward just laughed. "You tend to develop good reflexes after being around Bella," he joked.
Renee laughed at that, and I breathed a sigh of relief. "That you do," she agreed, still chuckling.
"Hmph," I grumbled, annoyed at their amusement at my expense, as well as at myself for my unnecessary moment of panic.
Feeling the dampness across my middle, I glanced down to see Coke splattered across my shirt. "Great," I said, grabbing my napkin and aggressively dabbing at the wet splotches. This was so not my day.
I tossed the napkin back on the table, pushed my chair back, and stood up. "I'm going to try and wash this off in the bathroom," I muttered.
When Edward pushed to his feet as well so that I could move passed him, the waitress suddenly appeared beside our table, and, after seeing the spilt Coke on the table between Edward and me, offered to grab some paper towels in that all-too-friendly tone of hers.
I wanted to grab my glass and empty the remaining contents on her head.
"No, we're fine, thanks," Edward responded, and I felt his palm against my back, steering me around the spilt Coke on the floor that had escaped my notice—I'd been too busy shooting daggers at the waitress. I was delighted to note the sharpness in his tone as well as that he didn't even cast a glance in her direction.
Ha! Take that! I thought as she turned her attention to the table beside us, looking somewhat disappointed.
Edward took his seat again and I headed toward the back of the restaurant in search of the bathroom, plucking the bottom of my soaked shirt away from my skin. Ugh. How much sugar did they put in that stuff, anyway? Ah, well. On the bright side, it gave me a chance to escape from Renee's nerve-wracking questions for a bit.
I pushed open the door to the ladies' room with the intention of taking my sweet time. When the door swung shut behind me, however, I froze in place, a sudden frightened feeling attacking my stomach, my fingers scrunching up the bottom of my shirt as I fought against the urge to turn around and bolt back out the door. Don't be ridiculous, Bella! I told myself, my eyes darting around the deserted room, which consisted of two bathroom stalls and one hand sink. Everything's fine. Everything's fine.
I snatched a piece of paper towel from the dispenser, stepped toward the sink, and turned on the tap with shaky hands. After soaking the paper towel I proceeded to rub at the sticky wet splotches on my shirt. But just like yesterday at the grocery store, my attempts to reason my way through the panic were useless. The paper towel slipped through my fingers, and I gripped the edge of the sink as I struggled for calm. Pull yourself together! I screamed at myself, but it was no use. I had to get out of there.
In my haste, I didn't think to look where I was going after throwing open the door, and, as luck would have it, one of the waiters was walking by at that exact moment—carrying a tray of food.
I barreled straight into him, we both went down, and the tray went flying. Its contents shattered around us, including a mug that splattered a scalding liquid over my bare forearm. I jerked my arm backward and let out a small shriek at the painful shock of it, but the sound was drowned out by the loud and foul curses of the waiter.
"What on earth…?" I heard someone say, and there was soon a crowd of customers and employees forming around us to see what all the commotion was about.
"…just came bolting out of the bathroom…didn't see her…" the waiter was muttering before getting over his initial shock and turning his attention to me. "Are you okay, Miss?" His gaze dropped to the shattered remains of the mug a few feet away. "Shit," he cursed again. "Did you get hit with the coffee?"
I quickly shook my head, crossing my right arm over my left in an attempt to hide the scorching red mark that was already starting to form across my forearm. The added heat from the skin-to-skin contact made it burn all the more, but the last thing I wanted to do was to attract more attention to myself. I was already utterly humiliated, a feeling that only intensified when I caught sight of Renee and Edward moving through the crowd, and I suddenly had to fight back the overwhelming urge to burst into tears.
"Bella!" Renee called. "Are you alright?"
As I struggled to my feet, I soon felt the coolness of Edward's grip on my elbow. "It…it's nothing," I protested when he pulled my injured arm toward him. He ignored me, and the next thing I knew, he was pulling me back through the bathroom door, toward the hand sink against the wall, and then shoving my arm under the faucet. The cold water felt wonderful, but I was too upset to really notice.
Tears of frustration burned behind my eyes, threatening to break free. First yesterday at the grocery store, and now I'm afraid of a stupid bathroom? Correction: I had been afraid. It was impossible to feel frightened now, not with the feel of Edward's rock solid body behind me, radiating nothing but strength. Unfortunately the close proximity also meant that he'd be able to feel the slight tremble of my body. "It's fine now, really," I tried again, attempting to pull back my arm and move away, hoping he wouldn't notice and realize that I'd once again been panicking for no discernable reason.
Some hope that was. His hand continued to curl around my arm like a steel band, and I was sandwiched between him and the sink.
"Bella," he said quietly, the soothing note in his tone communicating more than words.
My gaze dropped to stare at the water flowing over my arm, the pressure behind my eyes reaching the bursting point. Of course he'd already realized what had happened. Why I'd thought he wouldn't put two and two together, I didn't know. But then, apparently I was losing all sense of reason, if my inability to enter a bathroom on my own without panicking was any indication.
"Don't," Edward whispered, releasing his grip on my arm, only to reach up and catch my chin, forcing my tear-filled gaze to meet the softness of his. "You're too hard on yourself."
Renee chose that moment to enter the room, and at the sound of the door swinging open I jumped backward from Edward as if we'd just been caught doing something we shouldn't.
Renee's penetrating gaze moved between us and then landed on me. "Are you alright?"
"Fine, I'm fine," I said quickly, turning toward the door so that she wouldn't see me swipe the back of my hand at the single tear that had escaped.
EPOV
I watched Bella disappear into the house and then shifted my gaze to the rear-view mirror to regard Renee. The drive back from the restaurant had seemed agonizingly slow, with scarcely any words being spoken. Bella had done her damndest to hide how upset she was, but she hadn't fooled me, nor had she fooled Renee. She may have thought she'd convinced Renee she was fine, but I knew better.
"You're worried about her," I deduced.
"Yes," Renee said simply.
When she didn't supply anything further, I frowned. I was quickly learning that decoding the complex puzzle that was Renee's mind was not an easy task. Though I was supposed to be dropping her off at her hotel, I had yet to pull the car out from the driveway of the Swan residence. I'd been sure that she'd want to follow after Bella to try and find out what had upset her, but she hadn't made any move to do so. Instead, she eyed me speculatively through the rear-view mirror, and once again her words took me off guard.
"Well," she said pointedly, "are you going to sit here all day or go in after her?"
I almost laughed. Was it possible for vampires to get headaches? After spending several hours trying to sift through Renee's mind, I was starting to think I knew what one felt like.
I turned in my seat to face her, and the words slipped out before I could stop them. "You're a difficult person to read, Mrs. Dwyer."
"I could say the same thing about you," she countered, her eyes denuding as they locked onto mine. She held my gaze for a long moment before answering my unspoken question. "She doesn't need my worry. Right now she needs…security, something I can't give." She paused again. "But it seems you can. I'd have to be blind not to see that."
After another moment of silence, she suddenly pushed her door open. "Be sure to tell her to call me if she needs me, won't you?" she said as she climbed out of the car.
"Of course, but let me drive you—"
"That's not necessary."
"It's really no trouble, Mrs. Dwyer. I can—"
She cut me off with a wave of her hand. "The walk will do me some good, " she insisted, swinging the car door closed. She turned to walk away, but then halted. "And you can stop calling me 'Mrs. Dwyer,' and call me Renee." She didn't wait for a response before starting down the driveway, but after taking two steps she suddenly whirled around to face me again. "But don't take that to mean I've accepted you just yet," she warned.
I grinned in spite of myself. "I wouldn't dream of it."
BPOV
As soon as I entered the house, I darted up the stairs and closed myself in the bathroom before finally allowing my tears to flow. Charlie wasn't home, but I knew Edward would be back soon after dropping Renee off at her hotel, and I didn't want him to see me like this. I sank down to the floor with my back to the bathtub. Why did I have to be such a pitiful mess? Jacob was dead, damn it. He could no longer hurt me or anyone else. How many times did I have to keep reminding myself of that?
I hugged my knees to my chest, the throbbing in my forearm a constant reminder of my instability. I wasn't naive enough to think that just because Jacob was gone I would be able to forget everything that had happened. But couldn't I at least start to put it all behind me? It seemed as if every time I tried something would always yank me back down again.
I dropped my forehead to my knees, but then jerked my head up again at the sound of the front door opening downstairs followed by Edward calling my name. A few seconds later he was knocking at the bathroom door.
I attempted to steady my breathing. "I'm fine, Edward," I pushed out.
He sighed. "No you're not. Now open up."
"I…I want to be alone for a bit."
"No you don't."
I gave a strangled laugh at his resolute tone, but then found myself fighting back a wave of fresh tears. God, what was wrong with me? I was such an emotional wreck. "Please, Edward," I said thinly. "Just go."
"So you can beat yourself up some more? I don't think so, Bella. I'm not going anywhere." He paused. "And I need to talk to you about Renee."
I was on my feet and throwing open the door in a matter of seconds, my panicked words tumbling out at top speed. "She knows?! She figured it out? ! She—" I broke off when I saw the slight smile tugging up the corners of his mouth.
"No," he said, "but it got you to open the door."
My shoulders sagged and I averted my gaze.
Edward didn't let that discourage him; he reached out to snake his arm around my waist, drawing me to him.
Giving in to the urge, I slumped against him, pressing my face against the hard strength of his chest and taking a deep breath, filling myself with the scent of him. He'd been right. I didn't want to be alone.
But that was just the problem, wasn't it? It was only when I was alone that the unreasoning panic would find its way to the surface. "Edward," I whispered. "Tell me the truth. Yesterday…when you came to find me at the store…I mean…what did Alice see? How bad was it?" I paused, pulling away from him to expel a frustrated breath. "I must have been a complete mess," I added bitterly. "Apparently panicking for no reason is my specialty."
He sighed. "Did it ever occur to you that you might not be alone on that? In fact, I may just rank higher than you on that scale."
I gave a startled laugh. "Yeah right. The last time I checked I was the one who can't even go into a bathroom alone without panicking."
"Bella…"
"Not to mention the grocery store."
"Bel—"
"And who knows where else, because you can bet it will happen again. It won't be long before Charlie and Renee insist I see a shrink. And what would I tell the shrink? That I'm afraid my werewolf ex-best friend will come back from the dead? Or maybe—"
"Bella!"
I froze and swung around to face him, only just realizing that I'd started pacing up and down the hallway during my rant.
Edward stood a couple of feet away, his expression solemn. "Would you just listen for a minute?" he asked quietly.
"I'm sorry," I muttered. "I mean…of course I'll listen." I took the few steps to my room and then sank down on the edge of my bed. Edward followed behind, stopping in the doorway.
"Alice never saw anything."
I looked up at him in confusion. "What?"
"You were asking about what Alice saw yesterday."
I frowned. "Yes, but—"
"She wasn't even at home. That's not why I came to find you."
"Then why…?"
He moved toward me, lowering himself down on the bed beside me. "You're not the only one who's paranoid, Bella," he said softly, his gaze fixed on some point straight ahead. "It didn't take me long before I'd come up with some ridiculous excuse to come back here and check on you." He turned to face me. "You think you keep panicking for nothing, but do you have any idea of all the awful things that went through my mind when I arrived here and found you gone? Before I saw that note you left for Charlie, all I could think of was that I'd already failed you once and I'd be damned if I would ever let it happen again."
"Oh, Edward. Don't," I whispered, reaching out to settle my hand over his and realizing he had it clenched into a fist. His grip loosened at my touch, but he averted his gaze again.
"Completely irrational, I know; of course you were perfectly safe." He gave a defeated shrug. "But sometimes our fears just take over our common sense, you know?"
"Yes," was my soft reply. I definitely knew that better than anyone.
We were both silent for a moment before Edward spoke again. "So you see, I'm even more of a mess than you are."
I opened my mouth to argue, but then stopped, realizing what he was trying to do. "It's pointless to argue with you on this, isn't it?" I said with a sigh.
"It is rather, pointless, yes," he agreed, his lips curving into a knowing smile. "Especially since I'll win no matter what you say."
I rolled my eyes. "You're impossible. I know you're just trying to make me feel better."
"Is it working?"
I dropped my head to his shoulder. "Yes."
"Good," he said huskily, reaching up to run his fingers through my hair. "I'm no psychiatrist, but I reckon the first thing they'd say is to voice your feelings and not try to hide them from those who love you, wouldn't you think?"
"Mmhm," I mumbled. Attempt was the key word, I thought to myself, because I had definitely failed at trying to hide my panic attack from him anyway.
"You have to stop being so hard on yourself, love," he added gently.
I lifted my head from his shoulder and dropped my gaze to my hands. "It's just…it's just so frustrating. My rational side knows there's nothing to be afraid of, but…sometimes…it just doesn't matter. It's like there's two of me, and that other part of me just won't listen."
"Two Bellas? God forbid! One is about all I can handle."
His teasing tone lightened the weight in my chest, and I found myself matching his grin as I grabbed the pillow from behind me to swat him with it.
He laughed, snatching it out of my hands and locking his arm around my waist, hauling me against his side and leaning down to whisper in my ear. "I think we just need to give Bella number two some time, hmm?"
I sighed. "Maybe."
I relaxed against him and we were both silent for a moment before I reached out to wrap my arm around his waist. "Thank you," I whispered.
"What for?" he questioned softly.
"Making me feel better," I said simply.
"No thanks necessary." He gingerly touched the tips of his fingers to my throbbing forearm. "How's the arm?"
His normally cool touch felt icy against my sweltering skin, but so unbelievably soothing. I knew what Edward was like, though; he always worried too much. "It's fine," I lied, pulling my arm back. He gave me a look that said he didn't believe that for a second. "Okay, so it's a bit painful," I amended. "But it's no big deal." When he looked like he was going to argue, I quickly changed the subject. "So are you going to tell me how things went with Renee?" I questioned, though I was dreading the answer. Everything may have appeared to go all right on the surface, but Renee's mind was a different story all together.
"I think it went quite well."
"You think?" I pulled away to glare up at him, my anxiety growing. "What do you mean you think? You can read her mind!"
"For the most part, yes."
"For the most part?! What does that mean?!"
"Calm down, love—"
I jumped to my feet. "Don't tell me to calm down! Don't you realize what could happen if she finds out? How can you always be so calm about everything?! And this whole idea of trying to bond with her is just crazy! It's just asking for trouble. It's only going to make things worse!" I threw my arms up in the air for emphasis and started pacing again.
"Bella," Edward said quietly. "What's wrong? What's got you so upset?"
"I…" I gulped. What was I really worried about? A part of me knew that I was completely overreacting, but I wasn't about to admit it now. "I…I've told you!"
"No," he said, his voice still soft, despite my raised voice, "that's not it. You're upset about something else."
I opened my mouth to speak, but no sound came out and I closed it again. Apparently he knew me too well.
Edward smiled slightly. "You're more irritable when you're upset," he explained. "Something's been bothering you all day. You looked like you were about ready to rip the waitress' head off earlier."
I felt my cheeks heat slightly at that.
"Ah, is that what you're upset about?"
I quickly shook my head.
"Come here," he demanded.
I took a step toward him but Edward reached out and pulled me the rest of the way, and I found myself grasping his shoulders to steady myself—and suddenly very aware of his physical closeness. Even though I was standing and he sitting, the top of his head was almost at the same level as mine, emphasizing his size, and I felt the thickness of his thigh muscles encasing me. But just like always it didn't last. Ever since the rape it was always the same; Edward would forget for a moment, just a short moment, and everything would be like it used to, but then he'd realize he'd overstepped the boundaries he'd set, and he'd be holding me at arms length again, whether I'd needed the space or not.
It was no different this time. Just as quickly as my heart skipped a beat with that sudden spark of awareness, I found myself seated beside him again, and though his arm still held me to him, it was different somehow.
But there would be a time to push those boundaries, and this definitely wasn't it.
"What is it, then, love?" Edward asked, the teasing note in his voice gone completely now as he regarded me.
The gentleness in his voice was my undoing and I suddenly burst into tears. In the next second I found myself with my cheek pressed against Edward's chest, where he had my face carefully sandwiched beneath his hand. "Ah, Bella," he whispered. "Please tell me what's wrong. You know I can't bear to see you cry."
"I…I'm sorry!" I choked out.
He gave an exasperated laugh. "Of all the…" He sighed. "You're going to be the death of me, you know that? I can't help if you won't tell me what's wrong."
"I…I don't know! It…it's nothing, really. It's silly."
"Not to me," he said. "Not if it has you so upset."
I tried to pull away, but Edward wouldn't release me, so I attempted to sniff back my tears instead, then spoke quietly into his shirt. "It's just that…I…I want to wear my ring. I don't care what Renee or Charlie think." My fingers closed around the sleeve of his shirt. "I keep holding my breath, just waiting for it to happen," I whispered.
Edward drew back slightly to search my face, his brows pulled together in confusion. "For what to happen, love?"
"You said it yourself once before," I said dimly. "The odds always seem to be against us. And…I'm scared…scared that something will happen again…" I swallowed the huge lump in my throat. "…that something will take you away from me again," I whispered, the words barely audible.
"Ah, Bella," he said, pressing his forehead against mine and smoothing my hair. "Nothing's going to happen again. I won't allow it."
Fresh tears sprang into my eyes. "I…I had a nightmare that…that…" My voice broke, and when he pulled away again to study my face, I saw understanding dawn in his eyes. I'd never told him about that horrid nightmare—it hurt way too much—but I knew he had noticed it hadn't been like my other nightmares—I'd refused to let go of him for hours following it. "I…I found the ring and…" I gulped, knowing it was absurd but unable to shake the feeling. "…I feel like if I don't wear it…" My voice broke again.
"Hey, hey," Edward hushed, pulling me back against him, "I'm not going anywhere. It was just a nightmare."
I pressed my face harder against his shoulder. "See, I told you it was stupid," I reminded him, my voice muffled.
"It's not," he insisted. "You should have told me how you felt about the ring." He kissed the top of my head. "I was just trying to make it easier on your parents, but if it's that important to you to wear it now—"
"No," I said quietly. "…you're right…about Charlie and Renee…" I trailed off when he set me away from him, and in the next second he was pressing a small ring box into my palm and closing my fingers over it.
"You should hold on to this," he said.
"I…no…it's fine. You should keep it, until we're ready to tell them. I was just being silly." I tried to push the box back to him, but Edward wasn't having it.
"You don't have to wear it yet, just keep it somewhere safe."
xxxxx
Tossing the phone receiver back down on the desk in front of me, I leaned back in my chair and frowned. Was it just my imagination or had Renee been avoiding my questions? Apparently she was on her way to visit an old friend of hers, and so our phone conversation had been very brief. My frown deepened. First Charlie and now Renee? It was early evening now, and I hadn't seen Charlie since before lunch with Renee. He'd called me a couple hours ago to let me know he wouldn't be home until late tonight and to not wait up for him. It wasn't as if it was uncommon for him to be working late, but he'd sounded kind of distant when he'd called, as if something was really troubling him. Then again, in Charlie's line of work that wasn't exactly uncommon either. Maybe I was reading too much into things. But what about Renee? Visiting an old friend? Since when did she have an old friend near Forks? It was the first I'd heard of it.
"Why the frown?"
I gave a start as Edward's voice suddenly broke through my thoughts.
"Sorry," he said, lightly touching my shoulder as he moved to perch himself on the edge of my desk. "Where did you go just now? You're not worrying about Renee again, are you?"
I leaned forward to prop my elbows on the desk, resting my face in my hands. "You said everything went fine with her today, right?"
"Right," he assured me. When I didn't respond he ducked his head to my level to give me a stern look. "So stop worrying," he added, then muttered, "I swear…between you and your mother…"
My head came up. "What do you mean? She's worrying about me?"
"No. Well, yes, of course she worries about you, but that's not what I meant. I just mean that getting through to the two of you is not always easy. You're a lot like her, you know."
"Hmph." I leaned back in my chair. "And how's that?"
"Well, for one thing, getting into her mind isn't easy."
"What? But—"
He held up a hand. "I didn't say I couldn't read her mind, just that it's not always that easy. It seems her mind works differently than most."
"Different how?" I asked with a frown.
"I'm not sure, really. It's difficult to explain. It's like her thoughts are just a jumbled mess sometimes and I have to really concentrate to make sense of them. It's actually quite draining." He grinned. "Makes me glad I can't read your thoughts."
"Well that makes two of us."
His grin widened. "Although sometimes not being able to read your thoughts drives me crazy," he said with a shake of his head. "It's interesting, though…" His expression grew thoughtful. "I have more trouble reading Renee's mind than anyone else, aside from you, of course."
"And you think it's related?"
"Well she is your mother," he pointed out.
"Great. So we both have messed up minds."
He laughed. "I didn't say that."
"You didn't have to. It's implied."
He just rolled his eyes.
I turned back to gaze down at my history textbook, and a moment later I saw him disappear out of the corner of my eye. I spun around in my chair to see him lying stretched out across my bed, his hands behind his head, his laptop and schoolbooks now neatly piled on the floor.
He grinned at my expression and patted the spot on the bed beside him. "You've been working hard all afternoon. Come take a break."
I couldn't get myself to refuse that offer; it was much too inviting.
Pulling myself up from the chair, I moved to settle down beside him, cuddling into his right side. My head found the crook of his shoulder while my hand came to rest against his chest, smoothing some imaginary wrinkles from his shirt, enjoying the feel of his perfectly sculpted chest under my palm. His big hand curled around my shoulder and his fingers lightly stroked my arm. I closed my eyes. It was in moments like this that I could almost pretend that everything was much less complicated between us. God knows our relationship had always been anything but simple.
"What are you thinking?" Edward asked softly, the whisper of his breath touching my hair.
I pulled my head up and turned to prop my elbows on his chest, dropping my chin in my hands so that I could study him. Every little detail, every plain, every angle of his face had become engraved into my heart. His eyes—light butterscotch now—were questioning as they gazed back at me. I tried to picture him with green eyes. "Just wondering what it was like in the early 1900s; what you were like."
That took him off guard. His eyes flickered away for a moment. "Why the sudden interest?"
I touched his cheek. "I want to know everything about you. Renee's questions earlier, about your past, made me realize I don't," I told him.
He took my hand in his and was silent for a moment. "I was much the same, I suppose," he said finally. "Just much more naive. I knew nothing of the horrors of the world." His thumb traced circles over the back of my hand. "Or its monsters," he added in a whisper, and I had no doubt of which monster he was thinking of. I pressed myself closer to him.
"It's after that that you should be asking," he went on. "After the change, I mean. That was when I was different." He looked toward the window, a faraway look entering his eyes. "When I woke up a vampire I didn't know who I was anymore. I knew who I used to be, but I was too horrified with what I'd become to see much else. It got easier over time, but still, all I saw in myself was a monster in disguise, and it was easy to lose myself, moving from place to place to start a new life filled with more lies, over and over again. My life—if you could even call it that—had no meaning, no purpose. I had an endless amount of time stretched before me, but no one special to share it with." His gaze focused on me again, and I felt as if I were gazing right through to his soul. "But when I met you," he continued, "it was like I found myself again." His hand curled over mine and he squeezed it gently. "When I'm with you..." He smiled softly. "I almost feel human again."
His words touched more than I could possibly tell him, so I just slung one arm over his middle and hugged him close, dropping my head back to rest against his chest, and whispered, "You'll never be alone again."
xxxxx
Two hours later I sat cross-legged on my bed while Edward tried to explain to me how to set up the equations in a particularly difficult Calculus problem. But as the end of the day approached, I was having more and more trouble concentrating. The thought of going back to school tomorrow had taken firm root and wasn't letting up. The entire school knew about the rape now—not that they knew for sure, but, being the biggest rumor going around, what was the difference? We'd gone all the way to Port Angeles to have lunch just so I could escape all the gossip, and even then I had managed to attract unwanted attention. How was I ever going to get through tomorrow?
Edward's hand closed over mine, breaking me from my thoughts. "Alice and I will be there with you," he said. "It's going to be fine."
I just nodded.
"You should get some dinner," he suggested.
"I'm not hungry."
"Bella, you barely even touched your lunch."
I shrugged.
"If you won't go and make yourself something, I will."
I sighed, knowing he wouldn't give in.
"I'll be downstairs," he said. A few seconds later he was gone, and I could hear him rummaging around in the kitchen.
Sighing again, I flopped backward on my bed and curled up on my side, only just realizing how tired I was. It had been a long day…
xxxxx
I jerked awake, gasping, my eyes frantically grabbing at every familiar object in sight, terrified I might somehow plunge back into the horrors of my nightmare. Tremors ran through me. I could still feel his hands everywhere, his hot body on top of me…
A sob worked its way up my throat, and I only dimly registered Edward springing up from my desk chair and dropping to his knees beside the bed.
"Shh, you're alright now." His voice was barely audible over the sound of my labored breathing. His face swam before me, and I felt his hand curl over my shoulder.
Heart thumping wildly, breath coming in short heaves, I let my head fall back down against the mattress, pressing my forehead to my hand that was gripping the bedspread. Bedspread, I reminded myself. No hard floor. No aggressive hands. I lay curled up on my bed, where I had evidently fallen asleep, though I now had a blanket over me—Edward's doing, I guessed.
Edward. He stroked my arm soothingly, and my gaze locked to his for a moment as I tried to slow my breathing. His eyes held a sad acceptance. It wasn't necessary for him to ask about the nightmare. He'd seen me wake up like this enough times to know. Though my nightmares of the rape had become less frequent, they weren't, by any means, non-existent. In a way it was almost worse, not knowing when they would come, having enough time in between to hope, to start to believe that maybe, just maybe, I could start to forget. But some things just couldn't be forgotten, that much was clear.
I squeezed my eyes closed for a moment, trying to ward off the effects of the nightmare and pull myself together. Edward was used to this too—it always took me a while to recover. He didn't speak. He just pressed a soft kiss to my temple and continued to stroke my arm, my back, my hair—until my breathing slowed and the tension gradually slipped from my body.
My breathing now almost normal, I pushed myself up on a shaky hand, then hooked my arm around Edward's neck and buried my face against his shoulder. It was only then that he gathered me up in his arms, pushing himself up from his knees to settle on the edge of the bed with me in his lap.
My hands made fists in his shirt as I clung to him, needing to feel the sturdiness of his body against my own trembling frame. His hand settled on my back, rubbing soothing circles, his touch ever so gentle—completely at odds with the tremendous strength I knew he possessed. Safe. Nothing could touch me here. He just rocked me back and forth without saying a word. I didn't even notice my tears until I felt the dampness of his shirt against my cheek. How many more times would I shed tears because of Jacob Black? He was dead…but when would he truly be gone from my life?
"Edward," I said hoarsely, my grip on his shirt tightening. "I…I wish that…that everything could just go back to normal," I finished in whisper.
He pressed his cheek to my hair. "I know, Bella. I know."
It was a simple response; no promises that everything would go back to the way it used to be, or that everything would be okay, but somehow it was all I needed to hear right then.
Author's Note:
And now we have both Charlie and Renee acting strangely…any guesses? :) Two separate issues or all part of the same thing?
I owe you all an apology because last time I said this chapter would have EPOV, but I just didn't get to it yet in this chapter (the very short EPOV doesn't count. It was just there to give the interaction between Edward and Renee). But significant EPOV will be in the next chapter for sure; it starts off with EPOV. We really need to know how he's dealing with everything.
I know things are moving fairly slowly in this story right now, and it certainly didn't help that I took forever to update, but things will pick up soon. We are moving toward the wedding and more intimacy between Edward and Bella, I promise. This story is just way too close to my heart to rush through things. I do having everything planned right to the end. Well, the framework anyway, because the story always ends up taking on a mind of its own once I start writing, but the basis is all worked out in my head. Updates should also come much more quickly now. I have missed writing and all of you so much! It would mean the world to me if you drop me a line and let me know you're still reading!