[The Confession]
Marie watched Logan sleep. He was under his jacket, dozing against the door. It made her smile. She thought he might prefer to curl up with his head on her thigh but he'd chosen the door with a flash of his teeth and an apologetic grunt.
"It ain't because I don't wanna touch ya, kid. It's 'cause I do. Too much."
His head in her lap when she smelled that goddamn good? Lush and ripe? No fucking chance. Even the confined space of the cab pushed his limits.
Still, despite the luscious scent, he fell asleep easily, comforted by her presence, by the rhythmic hum of the highway and by the soothing motion of the truck. She had Johnny Cash on again, humming quietly. Even that was familiar, now, and comforting.
He woke as Marie pulled into a gas station. The change in the rhythm was enough to rouse him from sleep. The scent of the strong, fresh coffee she brought back with her did the rest. He might have even ummed out a little purr of gratitude as she pressed the steaming cup into his hands.
Hers smelled sweet and chocolaty. He wrinkled his nose at her preference.
"Don't judge, sugar."
He grunted in amused derision.
He most certainly would.
She climbed in and started the engine, content to drive while he woke up slowly. It was going to be the last little town for a long while. In minutes there was nothing but forest and the occasional logging road.
Logan took a shallow sip. The coffee was strong and hot and surprisingly good. Over the years, shitty coffee had been his companion for a lot of miles and it was a nice change of pace from the usual. Good coffee in his hand. A good woman at his side. The sun was even still shining. It was cold as hell, and it felt like the temperature had dropped a good ten degrees since this morning, but he still couldn't find anything to complain about. He couldn't even keep the smile off his face. He had a lot of good thoughts swirling around in his brain just then.
Marie looked over.
"What's that look for?"
"Just thinkin' about this mornin'."
"Any part in particular?"
Taking a sip, he shrugged a little and decided on flat-out honesty.
"You really thought about suckin' me at seventeen?"
He enjoyed her soft sputter, but her recovery was smooth and that voice was pure southern comfort, husky and warm.
"Yeah. I did. A lot, actually." She couldn't read his expression. "Does that freak you out?"
"Nah. You've always been hot blooded, kid. A real firebrand."
"You think?"
She sounded pleased by his assessment.
"Nobody else ever bitched me out on a snowy road," he offered, enjoying her wry grin. "Nobody else ever called out to me like that in a bar to warn me about some asshole, or ever risked their life like that to save mine. So, yeah. I do think."
She was glad his definition of hot blooded encompassed more than just the sexual.
"So you don't think I'm weird for thinking about that?"
"Baby, you're all kindsa weird." His brow quirked playfully. "But you're my kinda weird."
That earned him a smile.
"It probably wasn't what you think, anyway."
"No? How many kindsa variations can there be on that theme, darlin'? Seems pretty straightforward to me." Open mouth. Insert coc—
"Well, it was. Physically, I guess. Definitely a lot of thoughts about my mouth on you. I meant it wasn't like a crush, like pining for something I couldn't have or feeling desperate. It was good. Safe."
"Safe? Baby, lotsa words come to mind when I think about your mouth on me, but safe ain't one of 'em." Incendiary. Incandescent. Intimate. Hot as fuck.
"No?"
Her eyebrows were pulling together and he could see there was something there he was missing.
"What's that look for? Why'd you pull back?"
"You don't feel safe with me?"
Understanding flooded him.
"I'm starting to again," he said honestly. He certainly had in the beginning. For a lot of years after that, too.
"I think it's different for me. I've always felt safe with you. Always trusted you. That's why it was okay for me think those things at seventeen. I was ready to think them. More than ready. I just wasn't ready to do them. Not really. That's why you were safe. I knew you'd never..."
"I get it."
"Did you think them too?"
"Hey, I never gave ya any reason to ever think-"
"That's not what I asked."
"Hmph."
"So you did think about it?"
"Yeah."
"Good."
He was surprised by that.
"They were about as fuckin' far from good as you could get, kid."
"Tell me."
"Hmph."
"Don't make me pull this truck over, sugar." The teasing defused the tension a little.
He huffed in amusement. Had she just used her mom voice on him? He felt his lips twitch. The idea of Marie as a mother made his chest warm alarmingly.
"Tell me."
"You gonna keep after me 'till I do?"
"Do you really have to ask? You're kinda stuck in here with me and even if you did escape, I can fly faster than you can run."
She had the gall to wink at him.
He let out a long-suffering sigh. She really did seem to have made it her life's work to drive him demented.
"Raw and wild. Outta control. All animal. All carnal. One part takin' care of you. Three parts takin' advantage. All parts possession. Lotsa shoutin' and teeth and hands that held on too tight."
"That sounds good."
"Bullshit. It sounds fucked up. You were a kid."
"You didn't give any of that to the kid."
"Hmph."
"You haven't given it to the woman yet, either."
He gave her a hard look. "Look, that stuff... yeah, it passed through my head. I ain't gonna lie about that. It did and I liked it. It got me off real good. But that's not what got me through the night."
"It's not?"
"Nah. It was mostly good stuff. Soft. Gentle. Thinkin' about havin' you close. Curled up with ya. Warm and safe."
Her eyes grew a little wet but she blinked back the tears, aware they'd make him uncomfortable. He could probably smell them, even over the coffee, but there was nothing she could do about that.
"I'm glad. I like that thoughts of me made you feel safe. I want to be that for you again. That's who I want to be with you. Safe and..."
"And?"
"Someone safe. Someone who's good with you - and for you. Someone worthy of the kind of love you have to give."
Her heartfelt, earnest words triggered an unpleasant memory.
I see everything. All your shame. I'd rather have the glorious sadness than the kind of love you give. It hurts less. Your love is going to kill me.
Old words brought a rush of new pain. He'd never really let those words go. He'd held them close for years, letting them cut his heart to bloody ribbons. Using them to punish himself for all his faults, and there were many.
The kind of love he had to give? He wondered what she meant.
"What kinda love is that?"
"You love with your whole heart, sugar. I've always been envious of how easily you seem to do that. You jump right in. You're fearless. Reckless, even. Like it doesn't even occur to you that in opening yourself up that way, you could be struck just as deeply."
Fearless? What a joke.
"Believe me, I know it now."
She winced.
"Love is pain?"
"That's been my experience."
"Every time?"
"Every time."
"And yet you're still here. Dragging my sorry ass out of a hotel room. Making me face up to everything. Making promises." She touched her neck where he'd bitten her. "Pushing me to give it a shot when I'm so scared of screwing up that sometimes it hurts to breathe. You did that. You're the one, sugar. Not me. You are fearless."
"You got it all wrong, baby. This whole fuckin' thing scares the shit outta me."
"It does?"
"Yeah."
"I'm— I'm actually kind of glad about that. It's nice not to be alone in that boat."
"You're not. I'm scared you'll decide it ain't worth the effort and bail. Just hitch that pack on your shoulder and disappear into the wind. I'm scared I'm gonna lose my shit and really hurtcha. The anger and rage? It's still there, baby. Even now. That's a whole scary thing by itself, right there. And I'm scared of walkin' through that last closed door with you, kid, not knowin' what's on the other side. Scared it won't be enough for ya. So fearless? Not by a fuckin' long shot. But stubborn? Yeah. Determined? Yeah. Obstinate and fuckin' bull-headed when I want somethin'? Hell, yeah."
"I need to pull over. I need to right now." She needed her arms around him like she needed air. "I need to hold you."
"Pull off up there." He gestured to an overgrown logging road. "Once you're a little ways in, pull off the road into the trees. Mosta these roads aren't in use, but when a rig comes barreling down with forty tons of logs, you don't wanna be in the way."
"You sound like you know that from experience."
He snorted. "Lost a good bike trailer that way. Fucker never even stopped."
They rolled into the trees. She was unbuckling her seatbelt and reaching for him even as she was throwing it into park.
"Oof." The force of her embrace surprised him, as did the embrace itself. There wasn't any hesitation in her now and that felt damn good.
He pulled her closer, slipping her across his lap with her legs stretched out on the long bench seat so he could tuck her head under his chin and hold her tight. Her grip on him was fierce.
Reaching over, he turned off the engine and heard her wild heartbeat in the resulting silence. Logan held her close, savoring the weight of her in his arms and the way she hung on to him so hard. They stayed that way a long time.
It was Logan who finally broke the silence.
"I've been doin' a lot of thinkin' since yesterday."
"Me too." He felt her shift against and settle deeper. "I'm not going to bail. Not this time."
"I know that." He tapped his head. "I know it in here."
"But not in here?" She touched his chest.
"It still hasn't sunk in. I've had a lotta years of it bein' the other way, kid. You gotta give it time. And it doesn't help that if you did decide to go, you can do it without leavin' a trail for me to track." She could literally up and vanish into the wind.
"I'm done running." Her voice was soft and very final.
"I can see that. I get it, okay?"
"Good. Sometimes I might need some space to work things out, but I'll always come back."
Logan nodded. "Is that what you did last night?"
"I tried. I drank my dinner, lost fifty bucks at pool, felt pretty sorry for myself on the way home because of how things had gone between us and I cried myself to sleep. Sometimes I really just need a good cry."
"I like smashin' heads better."
"Sometimes I like that too." He felt her smile against his chest. "What did you do?"
"Brooded, mostly. Was pissed at myself for fuckin' up and pissed at you for takin' it so hard. It's not like I was aimin' to hurtcha. Usually I just go with my gut but this time I really wanted to understand why I did that. Why my gut reaction was to freeze up when you touched me."
"And?"
"The long or the short answer?"
"Short first."
"I think it's because a part of me is still pissed atcha." Forgiveness had never come easy to him.
"I can see that." She nodded. "And the long answer?"
"It's complicated."
"I'm not going anywhere."
Up next: The Past. "You ran and I chased you. I fuckin' hate that I had to and it hurt me every goddamn time you made me do it. Every time."