Chapter 26

Private Thoughts and Conversation

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I still don't own anything related to Middle Earth except my OC's, nor do I profit.

It was some time later after the table had been cleaned and the dishes washed that Thorin set in his chair, pipe in hand, pondering the events of the day. His thoughts turned to Dis, apparently still in attendance at the dwarrowdam's delivery, hoping that the length of time did not bode ill for that family. Maybe if she had been home, she would have known how to speak with Kίli. Seems she always knew what to say to rein in her sensitive son.

Next the king-in-exile's mind turned to the merchant caravan and the guards who would not be returning to protect it. He knew the dangers of travel through the wild and disliked leaving them without guards. There would be dwarrow in the village willing to sign on for the seasonal work. If it had been under other circumstances, he would have mentioned the option to Fίli and Kίli since they had worked as caravan guards before.

The problem was that Thorin did not want to explain just why the caravan would need new guards. In fact, he had tried to keep the knowledge of what had truly happened to his youngest sister-son within the family; although Bofur had been involved tonight. Still he did not begrudge Balin's and Dwalin's decision to include the toymaker. Besides Bofur had worked with this caravan leader before when he and Bifur had traveled as merchants; and he could deal with the leader as well as help recruit. Yes, he would speak to Bofur in the morning.

Finally Thorin mulled over what Fίli had said about his brother. It didn't change what they'd done to him. No, it did not; nothing would ever change the past. He ran a hand over his forehead brushing dark hair back as he remembered how different Kίli was after the assault: the amnesia, the headaches and dizziness, the flinching away from touch. And yet the worst had been that his jovial, effervescent nephew became quiet, hardly ever smiling.

Once he had overcome the amnesia and remembered that day in the forest, Kίli had made progress. His archery proficiency was back and he was less reserved. Even though he might still flinch at some touch, he now returned his mother's hugs. It seemed as if the youngest Durin was recovering well; and Thorin had hoped tonight's proceedings would bring the closure that Kίli needed. He realized how wrong he was when he had seen the pain that lingered in those deep brown eyes.

Thorin had much to ponder before speaking with his nephew on the morrow. No, Kίli was absolutely right. Revenge could not erase the memories, could never set things right. There was no going back.

The dwarf set his pipe on the table before burying his face in his hands as glimpses of own little brother came unbidden to mind. Frerin running through the halls of Erebor laughing. Ferin as a dwarfling trying to lift an axe so he could practice with his brother. Frerin chasing little Dis around the great hall until she turned around and decked him. And finally Frerin lying in a pool of his own blood at Azanulbizar, Thorin's baby brother, far too young for war, and gone to the halls of waiting far too early.

Thorin wiped his hand across his eyes feeling a wetness he would never call tears. Even though he had cleaved the arm from that brute Azog and watched him slink away to bleed out his hideous life somewhere in the darkness of Moria, it was not enough to relieve the pain and loss of a brother and a grandfather.

With a sigh, the exiled king shoved his painful memories back down into the recesses of his mind burying it away once again. He was of the line of Durin, albeit in exile; he would not allow his past to hamper his present. He had to be strong for his people- that was the way of Durin.

Thorin picked up his pipe once again turning his thoughts back to what he would say to his sister-son.

Once the house was in enough order to pacify Dis when she returned, Fίli bade his uncle goodnight and went to his bedroom. He opened the door to a dark room silently berating his brother for not leaving any light, never thinking that Kίli probably had not even bothered with one. After a few moments his eyes adjusted. He found the moonlight pouring through the open curtain sufficient to navigate around Kίli's clothes strewn carelessly across the floor.

Fίli stepped up to the side of his brother's bed. Kίli was curled into a tight ball facing the wall just as he had been when he had remembered the assault. His brother never slept like that.

"I know you're not asleep," Fίli stated. There was no response.

"Come on, Kee, you can't fool me. I know you're awake. You're just lying there brooding."

"What if I am?" Kίli groused without moving.

"This whole day has been rough on you. Part of that was my fault and I'm sorry," Fίli tried to sound reassuring. "I just want to know that everything's all right with you."

"It is." The voice was flat.

Fίli rolled his eyes. His brother was going to make this difficult.

"Oh, nadadith, you know you can't lie. Please just talk to me."

"Nothing to say." Still Kίli remained turned to the wall.

"Liar. You used to prattle on for hours about all kinds of nonsense and now you can't find anything to say? Then look at me." Fίli placed his hand on his brother's arm to get him to uncurl and face him.

Kίli flinched and jerked away. "Don't, Fee. Just don't." His voice trembled.

The blonde prince sat on bed. "Do you remember when you were younger and something bothered you? You'd crawl in my bed and wake me up so you could tell me. And then you'd ask if you could sleep in my bed with me and if I'd hold you." He paused giving time for the words to sink in. "Now you won't talk to me and you don't want me to touch you. Don't you trust me anymore?"

"I-I-I trust you," his voice was soft, the stutter once again revealing just how upset he was.

"Then talk to me."

"'Bout what?"

"Mahal, Kίli! Why do you have to make everything so hard?" Rolling his eyes Fίli paused taking several deep breaths to calm himself before continuing. "Sorry. I didn't mean to snap, but you are so infuriating at times."

Kίli huffed.

"Uncle Thorin wants to talk to you tomorrow."

"Why?" The question was barely audible.

"Because he thinks you should be over everything now that Brogen and his men are dead."

Kίli twined his fingers in his hair as if that would slow his racing heart and increasingly rapid, shallow breaths. He swallowed hard as his gut twisted in knots. The walls of the room were collapsing around him, threatening to crush him in dark despair and self-loathing.

"N-no one u-u-understands." His voice cracked.

"Then explain it, nadadith." Fίli hated having to drag things out of his brother, hated to see him so upset, so visibly distressed. Kίli had long since outgrown his stuttering, except when he was verging on panic. The older prince wanted desperately to intervene before it reached that point; but he could not help until he understood what was going through the younger Dwarf's mind.

"I-I don't w-wanna talk a-about i-it." His voice quavered as tears rolled down his cheeks. He wanted Fίli to shut up and leave him alone. Yet he longed for nothing more than to have his nadad hold him, tell him everything was fine like when he was a dwarfling. Only that required physical contact and Kίli did not want to be held or even touched. His mind was being ripped apart, torn between his needs and his fears.

"I know, Kee; but just trust me." Once again the blonde reached out laying his hand on his brother's shaking shoulder. "Tell me so I can understand."

Kίli stayed curled into the wall, back to his brother, breaths coming in hiccoughing sighs as he fought the urge to pull away.

"You c-can n-never understand." It sounded like a whine. "I...you..." He tried, but the words refused to come out. In exasperation, Kίli tore his fingers through his hair.

Fίli quickly reached over grabbing his brother's wrists. "Hands out of your hair," he soothed. "Rip the sheet apart if you have to."

Kίli let the blonde pull his fingers away from his head before twisting out of the grip around his wrists.

"Y-you don't k-know how it f-feels to b-be makhlel banarȃl."

"No. I don't. And I'm sorry you do." Fίli admitted feeling the burden of his own guilt wrap icy fingers around his thoughts. "I should have protected you better. I would have changed places with you if I could."

"You don't d-dream about fingers d-digging into your hips." He curled his fists tightly into the sheet beneath him as if that could rip the horrid visions from his mind. "Or p-pain you can't even imagine. Or l-look at faces and t-think, 'they k-know what h-happened.' Or know that the ones who s-said you weren't a r-real Dwarf now have even m-more reason to say y-you're not worthy of D-Durin's line." Kίli's gut clenched at the thoughts roiling through his brain as giving utterance to them only drove the reality home harder.

Fίli felt his heart break over the anguished words. He resisted the urge to grab his baby brother and hug him, to wipe away the tears and assure him that it would be all right because just now he was not sure himself that things would ever be right for his brother again. It felt so awkward not offering physical comfort as he had so many times before. He had always been able to calm Kίli, even times when their mother could not; but this situation left him feeling inadequate, not knowing what to do.

Finally he reached a compromise with himself. Fίli tentatively reached out to stroke the raven hair. Kίli shivered at the touch but did not pull away as his jumbled thoughts poured out.

"D-doesn't matter if they're dead or a-alive; it doesn't c-change what they did. Doesn't wipe away the m-memories or c-change the dreams. Doesn't c-change that I'm d-defiled, d-d-disgraced...kȃmnal"

Fίli had heard enough. He reached out to wrap his arms around his little brother and pull him onto his lap. Kίli thrashed trying to break the hold; but the blonde was stronger.

"Calm down, Kee. Don't fight me," Fίli whispered in his brother's ear. "You're safe. We love you. Nothing that's happened can change that." Slowly Kίli relaxed, finally turning to bury his head against Fίli's shoulder fisting his hands in his brother's tunic as he was once again overtaken by wracking sobs.

The golden prince rocked slowly back and forth softly humming a lullaby their mother had used when they were both little. As he finally felt the tension drain from his baby brother, he began to card fingers through the dark locks again.

At last Kίli quieted, his sobs dropping away to sniffles, as his tears stopped flowing.

"Ready to sleep now, nadadith?" Fίli asked quietly.

Kίli did not answer, merely nodded against his brother's shoulder.

Slowly the golden prince shifted his weight sliding the younger Dwarf out of his lap. He scooted to the edge of the bed and stood to make his way across the room to his own bed.

"Fee," Kίli's voice was hesitant and raspy from crying. "Don't leave."

"Of course not," he returned, adding "If that's what you want."

Kίli hummed.

After changing to his night clothes, Fίli crawled back into the bed lying on his back. Kίli moved next to him placing his head on his brother's chest and wrapping the fingers of one hand in the golden curls. Fίli wrapped his arm around his sibling's shoulders only to feel Kίli tense. He quickly dropped his arm away.

"No," Kίli said shakily. "I'll be all right."

"Sure?"

There was no answer, just a nod against his chest, and so Fίli laid his arm lightly across his brother's shoulders again. This time Kίli managed not to flinch although Fίli could tell that he was chewing his lower lip.

"Go to sleep, nadadith."

Fίli lay still relishing the moment. It was not quite the same as in the past. Kίli was not draped across him, in fact, his brother had only moved close enough to rest his arm and head on his shoulder. The older prince could live with that much right now. This was the closest they had been since the assault, and even if Kίli was not comfortable with it, he was at least trying.

Fίli sighed before placing a kiss on the raven hair.

A/N: makhlel banarȃl- victim of rape

kȃmnal- dirty

Once again thanks to everyone for reading, reviewing, following, and favoriting. Love getting those reviews, so keep them coming. Expect the next chapter on Wednesday.