Leave Out All the Rest

Chapter 28: The Pressure of the Moon

POV: Emily

Dearest Emily,

The stars were shining brightly up in the midnight-blue blanket that was called the sky. Grey clouds were threatening to approach from above, to bring their thick fog and cover the points of light in the sky as cold wind swept through the grounds of Hogwarts; sending shivers up my spine as my Astronomy classmates enjoyed it. They had smiles on their faces, the night wind and cold calling to them like it was a simple summer breeze, but I mourned.

I hope that your holidays were spent eventfully and that you find yourself in good health. I haven't been able to say the same for myself, terrible flu my mother says.

I know I've been gone for a week now and that I've neglected to write to you, but the chance hasn't arose. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I miss you and crave your company. I'm not settled if you're not around. I hate to think that you're off without me, sending a sense of freedom to the little Malfoy heir and the Potter boy. I do hope they realize soon that you're mine and their efforts to seclude you from what's meant to be your life are in vain. My father always did say that fate's certain, just like the moon at night.

I'll be back to Hogwarts by tomorrow. I will see you then.

Lance.

Looking away from the heavy moon in what seemed like reachable miles away, I stuffed the letter into my schoolbag as I felt the pressure of both things on my shoulders. It was all becoming too much now.

"Hey, Taylor," slowly approaching me as I continued to push my things into my schoolbag was Lysander Scamander. "Need help with that?"

I smiled gently. "Always the charmer, Lysander, but I've got it. Thanks."

He nodded once, his blue eyes gleaming like they were sapphires, even in the dark of the night. "I don't think you do," his voice was all that casual, his arms swinging back and forth as our classmates past us.

"Meaning?" I questioned, raising an eyebrow as I carefully tightened the lid to my bottle of ink before I tossed it into my bag. "I know it's a bit of a mess, but I'll get around to fixing it. Rose inspects our schoolbags every weekend to make sure we're organizing ourselves. 'An organize person makes an organized brain,' she's always saying."

His blue eyes landed on my schoolbag, possibly judging all the crumpled sheets of papers that was going on. "Everything about you is a mess, Taylor," he said to me, all still very casual and carefree. "And as every day progresses, as every night ends, you lose yourself more."

I halted in my progress of collecting my school things. "I…erm—"

"At first I just thought the Wrackspruts were messing with your head, but it's you that's messing with it." He stopped swinging his arms, his face turning the lightest bit of serious. "Mum noticed it one day. She saw you talking to Mrs. Potter at the platform, the day we were coming back from holidays," he explained. "She said you carried too much on your shoulders."

Swallowing a little, finding a thick knot in my throat, I shrugged at him. "Some people have burdens, Lysander, which they can't get rid of. I'm one of those people."

"I'm a lover of life, Emily," he said quickly. "I love being around people who are full of it. People who laugh, who are passionate, who dream, and who act like that day might be the last. Mum says I get it from my dad, and I figured just as much—he died doing what he does best, you know?"

The knot in my throat doubled, becoming almost unbearable to let me inhale. "…Oh, I…erm..I didn't know that, Lysander. I'm sorry."

He shrugged casually. "He was a naturalist, loved his work of exploring what most people wouldn't dare to explore. It was tragic, yes, but Mum and Dean helped Lorcan and I through it. While Lorcan's more like Mum, I'm Dad through and through." His eyes glistened, but he was frowning at me now. "I can't stand being so close to you anymore, have you noticed?"

"What—"

"I mean, we're not close friends, I know, but usually we got on fairly well. We sat together in lessons when Nia and Rose paired up, or during in Astronomy when it's just us two from Gryffindor. But lately…You're withering, Taylor." He looked momentarily saddened by his statement. "There was once this flicker of life in you, it interested me, as much as it was faint, but it was there. Now it isn't. You lost it."

Automatically, I felt like I was slapped across the face. I stared at Lysander, stared at his kind face and eccentric blue eyes, trying to push all that away to find the venom of his words. I wanted to find the reason for his cruelty and judgment but I couldn't see it. It wasn't coming from a place of darkness; it was full out sincerity and concern.

"…I can't," I breathed, clutching onto the strap of my schoolbag like it was a lifeline. "I don't want…I don't want them to take back what they've given me."

His disapproving frown softened slightly. "They're not taking it back, Taylor. You're the one who's giving it back. You're becoming more alone by letting yourself wither. They're trying to save you, but you're refusing the help."

"I don't know how to be…I can't…" I frowned now, not being able to find the reason for doing so. It wasn't like I didn't know that Lysander's words were filled with truth, but it was just one I didn't want to hear. I was used to people leaving me. I just figured that one day I'd see my friends do it too, but they clung on. As much as I tried to shake them they held on and it was wearing me thin.

"Think about it," he nudged his head towards something behind me. And before I could turn he leaned closed to me and placed a kiss on my forehead, surprising me slightly. "I'll save you some pudding like always."

Staring off at him for a moment, I turned to where he'd indicated before his departure. And sure enough, on the hill that was claimed by my friends and me during breaks, there was someone there that deserved my honesty.

He was sitting silent and rigid; the ruby-red lining of the inside of his robes were showing as the wind scattered by it, ruffling it. His attention was focused ahead of him, staring past the Black Lake that sat still and unmoving for once.

"Liam?" I breathed, slowly bending beside the brunette boy. At my arrival, at the sound of my voice, he said nothing. He just continued to look on ahead. "Liam, I'm…I'm really—"

"Don't," he cut across me, shaking his head a little. "Don't give me sympathy, Emily. I don't want it." He blinked once, making his eyes narrow. "I've had enough. I'm sure the next few weeks are going to be filled with it, I don't need yours."

I sat myself completely next to him, crossing my legs over another. There was this throbbing pain in my chest, emotions resurfacing like tidal waves in the deepest pit of a beach. It was my memories begging to come out.

"Nia and Lily seem to be getting along," I commented in a low murmur. "Well, they're not fighting. I saw them actually sit together in the common room yesterday, and not by force. I'm sure they're doing it for your sake, but it's something, right?"

He shrugged. "Lily was in the dormitory with me for hours yesterday, but Nia came and kicked her out," he told me blankly, not looking like he cared. "Nia just laid there with me, not saying anything…She just held me until I fell asleep. She was gone when I woke, but I suppose that she's giving me space. Something I wish everyone else would do too."

I cleared my throat at his indirect. "Oh, okay. I'll just..erm…leave."

"I didn't mean you," he told me, same nothingness in his voice. "Just don't tell me you're sorry and we'll be okay. No one really understands how I feel, and I don't want to hear people's attempts of sympathizing. I just…Be my friend, won't you, Emily? Be my friend and just don't take pity on me."

A puff of air escaped my mouth. "I am your friend, Liam, and I don't pity you. I won't tell you I'm sorry then, but…but I do sympathize. I know how you must be feeling."

"Do you?" He turned to me for the first time, his brown eyes looking lifeless and his face glowing whiter than usual. "Because I don't think you do, Emily. No one does."

Run, Emily, run, the voice inside my head told me. Run before you regret it. Run before you hurt him. Run before you hurt yourself. Run, run.

The voices in my head were screaming at me now, they were ordering in harsh and rude words to get up from my place on the grass and leave Liam on his own. I couldn't be around him, they told me, and his pain is too much for me. If I continued to look into his eyes I was going to regret it, I was going to think back to things that were better left buried.

"There's something I've never told anyone," the sentence came out like an act of rebellion, shushing the voices in my mind. "I…I can't say it…but I want you to know."

He raised an eyebrow at me, the frown on his face disappearing as curiosity took over.

Removing the strap of my schoolbag from my shoulder, I shoved it onto my lap. Sticking my hand in there, scavenging for a useless scrap of paper and a pen that Hermione Weasley had given me for Christmas. And once I found both items, my heart was going bang, bang, bang inside my chest as I hesitantly wrote four words down on it.

And as my fingers shook, as my breath hitched, as my head was shouting and shouting obscenities at me, I extended the paper to Liam. "Read," I commanded with a trembling voice.

Scanning the paper for what had to be the longest, yet the quickest, millisecond on the planet, he turned to me. Those lifeless and in agony eyes were drenched in confusion, open wide with a thousand questions running by them. "…When?"

"Long ago," I admitted, clutching my palms into fists. "It's not something I want to share, Liam, so—"

"But we're your friends, Emily," he interrupted me, looking bewildered yet outraged. "We've been your friends for five years now and you didn't bother to tell us something so important?"

Because you would leave if I did, I wanted to say. But like always I refrained myself, subduing all emotions. "…You can't tell anyone, Liam." My green eyes dug into his line of vision, pleading him. "Promise me, please. Promise me you won't say anything. Not even Lily can know."

"Why?"

I inhaled deeply, counting a few seconds before releasing that oxygen back out. "It's painful to tell."

He clutched the paper in his palm, balling it up and destroying it. "I won't say I'm sorry," he murmured as he placed his free hand on my shoulder. "But…is this why you're never open with us? Why you've been so…strange all year?"

Nodding solemnly, I tried giving him a smile. "I need you to believe that I love all of you more than anything, Liam. I really, really do. It's just…there's so much to that story and…" Stop talking, Emily. Stop talking. "I don't want things to change between all of us if I tell it. I'm just scared."

"You'll never lose us," he said with all sincerity, squeezing my shoulder tightly. "No matter how much a mystery you are."

I laughed gently, nodding my head again before turning to look at the Black Lake. "You have no idea, Liam." Some of the pressure I had carried with me for years seemed to leave, evaporating and rushing outwards. I could see it run through the air, into the trees, and disappearing.

The question was if it would come back like an airborne disease?

"You should head to bed," I turned back to my friend. "Students who aren't part of the Astronomy lesson get punished by Filch personally. You don't want that, do you?"

Looking over his shoulder, Liam pointed a finger forward. "Well, it's not like I'm the only one." And before I could turn and look where he was, he leaned in, and like Lysander Scamander, he pressed a kiss on my forehead before departing.

"Hey! Don't make me tell my sister, Greengrass!" James Potter's voice sounded through the night as Liam rolled his eyes. "I will tell her you're out here snogging her friend!"

I sighed, my body tensing as I watched his body collide with the open grass beside me. "James," my tone was too low, "what are you doing here?"

"Can't a bloke take a midnight stroll?" He asked too casually, lifting himself into a sitting position in front of me now; his black hair covering the view of the Black Lake and the sky. All he let me see was him. All I could see was his pale, handsome face and chocolate eyes coated with thick lashes.

"James,"

"Fine," he said, "I came to find you."

I shook my head at him. "I don't see why there was a need for you to do so."

"Well, it is past midnight. That's reason enough," he said in a way that suggested that his motive had been plainly obvious from the beginning. "I can't let you walk back to Gryffindor Tower alone, can I? You don't know what kinds of monsters lurk in the darkness."

"I've had Astronomy all year, James. Nothing has happened to me," I told him, trying to get the smile that had appeared on my lips to erase. "And, besides, you've never worried about my midnight walks before. What gives?" I snapped my fingers. "Oh! Are you meeting Filch in the light of the moon to confess your love for another?"

He frowned at me. "It's a bloody shame that no one's told you that you're not very funny, Taylor," there was no teasing, no laughter, no comment of defeat. "But all humor left aside, I really do hope you never meet Greyback under the moon to confess your…love for one another."

Ah. There it was. The comeback I'd been waiting for. I'd gotten Scorpius' foul comments about Lance Greyback all break and since when we returned, I thought it was a bit odd that James hadn't given me his. But, alas, here we are.

"You can leave now," I told him. "I don't want to hear this — I don't want to hear you. It's all the same, isn't it? I just can't believe you or Scorpius can't drop the subject."

"And I can't believe you're still not listening!" He snapped at me, frowning deeper than he'd been doing before. "What's it going to take for you to realize that Greyback's a bloody werewolf? What's it going to take for you to ditch him and end this madness?"

Walk away now, Emily. Don't listen to him, the voice went on. "Why do you even care, James?" I exhaled noisily, frowning through my lashes as I looked at him.

"Why?" He raised an eyebrow, scoffing. "Well, Taylor, I'd say it's because I care about you, not to mention I don't want to see you become dog food," his tone was painfully mocking, bitter. "But, alright, let's give it a further explanation. Maybe that way you'll get it and I'll be able to man up from now on."

I shook my head. "No, I don't want to hear—"

"Too bad," he hissed at me, putting a hand on my shoulder and keeping me down on the grass as I'd attempted to get up. "Ever since the year you took the Unforgivable for me, ever since I saw you look so fragile and alone…I promised I would protect you. I promised I'd keep you safe no matter what."

"I don't need your protection," I told him, trying to sound calm and not rude. "He likes me, James. He honestly does. He probably even loves me. I swear he's not trying to hurt me."

Even though he was still holding on to his scowl, his eyes softened. A sea of hurt swam in them. "…But he isn't right for you, Taylor," he whispered slowly, leaning towards me and taking my hand from my lap. "Why can't you just see that?"

"He's perfect for me," I whispered back. And as soon as those words had left my lips, James intended to drop my hand but I held on tighter. I refused to let him go now. They wanted to know why I wasn't scared of Lance, why I refused to leave him, and I was ready to admit why now. "Lance lives a complicated life, James. From the very beginning he knew what misery was…If the story of his father's true, do you think he didn't go through degrading? His life's already a mess. I knew that from the moment I met him."

James tried tugging his hand from me again, not meeting my eyes. "…Do you love him?" He asked in a murmur.

A pressure grew inside of me, causing a knot to form in the middle of my throat. I wanted to tell him, to drop my walls of defense and tell him what I'd been hiding. I wanted to squeeze his hand, to hug him, to make him feel better. But I couldn't. The voices in my head didn't let me.

"…I'm not looking to mess up anyone's happy life," I muttered in response. "I'm too much of a complicated person. I'm too reserved, and I hide from…I'll never be what everyone else is, James. I'm bottled up and broken. Lance takes me that way. He doesn't want to know the secrets I keep to myself, he's just with me. He doesn't worry about who I am and why I'm the way I am."

"Because he's trying to eat you," James said, still refusing to look in my eyes. "No one asks the fruit if they had trouble growing up, they just eat it."

I couldn't help it, I laughed. I laughed and I dripped tears.

There was — and always has been — something about James Sirius Potter that infatuated me. It was something with the way that being around him felt so right, felt so warm, and felt so fresh. When he was around it was like I could breathe; like there wasn't voices in my head that kept me in my place. With him there was nothing, no worries, just the daylight and the sun.

He was James. He was my protector. But I couldn't have him.

"…I don't want to ruin your happy life, James," my voiced mixed with the sound of the wind hitting the trees and the tears that fell from my eyes. I took my free hand and raised his chin with my cold fingers. "I'm always going to be….not right, James. And I don't want you to end up at your wits-end trying to understand me. I want you to be happy, always."

Immediately, his chocolate-colored eyes dropped the hurt and the pain and replaced it with something that was too intense; something that made me feel the warmth of the sun in the middle of the night. "I'm always happy when I'm with you."

It was love.

Tracing my fingertips away from his chin and towards the side of his face, I caressed his skin gently. There was an electrical current exploding out of every particle of skin, touching me and invading my pores. "Lance just happened," more tears fell and he was quick to wipe them away with his own fingers. "…It's not what I wanted."

Tears, tears, tears, and he pulled me in to him. He buried his face into my shoulder, letting my hair cover him and his emotions that were too apparent on his expression. He wanted to hide the heartbreaking feelings that punctured him like a thousand knives, like how they were puncturing me.

There were so many things I wanted to say, that I needed to reveal, but nothing I could do could erase my permanent misery and the voices in my had. And who was I to drag James into it because of how I felt? Who was I to ruin that naturally happy person that he was? Who was I to be the reason that he didn't smile that smile that could match the stars and the magic around us?

I'm full of secrets, and though Lysander Scamander suggested I reveal them and learn to live again, there was one I couldn't depart with. I was in love with James Potter, and if it were to reveal itself it was just going to destroy him. The voices in my head would keep us apart.

Hugging me tighter into him, his arms sending waves of fire into my body, he lowered our backs to align with the grass. We lay perfectly together, tucked into one another. Silent tears continued to roll down my cheeks, his still collecting in his eyes, but he held me close. It was the only moment we were ever going to get.

"…I'll never leave you," he whispered as the full moon crashed around us.