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This is the first of three chapters in EPOV. Enjoy. I'm exhausted, ha.
Thanks to Nic, for staying up late - as per usual - and helping this to be its best. I honestly do adore you.
Thanks to everyone who has left me notes and reviews. They mean so much to me. I hope you enjoy this. It's the first chapter I can honestly say I wrote just for you guys. xoxo
Four o'clock and a soft rain was falling outside, more mist than water, yet any excuse for a pint'll do and people were pouring in to the dry warmth of Flanagan's to escape the weather. I'd been there long enough though, and was ready to leave.
I scanned the new faces walking in, wondering yet again where the feck Tyler and Deklan Crowley were. They were long overdue, and unfortunately that could be construed as a few things; their own malarkey being one, being attacked or arrested another. The latter was the main reason I told the boys in our battalion never to walk alone unless absolutely necessary.
No one challenged me on it; enough guys around had been taken in for "questioning", jailed for having the wrong sort of surname, beat within an inch of their lives because they attended the wrong sort of church. If Catholics were treated the same way as Protestants, there wouldn't be a problem, but we weren't. We were discriminated against left and right, from voting rights to housing and employment. We were sick of it, and maybe some were resigned to that way of life but I surely wasn't.
The fighting had been going on decades and decades, and some saw that as proof we'd never make a difference, that things would never change.
But I knew better. If persistence is what it took than persistence is what they'd fookin' get.
As if the politicians and police authorities weren't bad enough, there were the loyalist gangs; bad eggs the lot of them. The only difference between them and the local RUC were badges and uniforms.
Then again, they thought the same of us. Real shite, so it was.
Sensing my irritation, Emmett looked at me, drumming his fingers listlessly against the top of the bar.
"Do you think something happened?" He drained the rest of his pint and pushed his glass away. We'd already been through two a piece, more than enough time for the Crowleys to complete the errand I'd sent them on. The only reason I'd asked in the first place was because they'd been at Queen's earlier in the day, recruiting for the cause. Had I known they'd take so bleedin' long to get back I'd have gone myself.
"I don't know," I said, shaking my head. "I hope they didn't run into trouble by the bridge."
Emmett shifted, checking his watch. "Maybe we should just-"
"There they are now," I said, easing off my barstool.
Deklan looked aloof as usual but Tyler's face was red as a beet, probably either from fear or running. He spotted us right away and came straight over, his eyes wide. "Something's goin' on over by Donegall Pass."
"Ah, feck. What now?" I asked, running a rough hand through my hair. Lately a group from the second battalion had been running into trouble with members of the local UVF. I tried to keep my nose clean when it came to personal shite like that, but we would intervene if we had to.
"I don't know really, there was a lot of UFF-"
"UFF or UVF?" Emmett interrupted impatiently.
Tyler shrugged, his eyes darting between Emmett and me.
Deklan spoke up. "I don't know, I think UFF… there was a fight at Queen's earlier and it spilled into the streets."
Immediately I thought of Alice and Bella. They would've been home by this point, but I didn't like not knowing for sure.
"Did you get the instructions?" I asked.
Deklan patted his jacket. "I did, yeah."
"No problems?"
"No."
"All right, bring it to the safe house, yeah?" I clapped him on the back and they left, obviously eager to be on their way. I didn't blame them; Flanagan's was heavin' now with people and it made me nervous, too. It was difficult to keep an eye on things when it was so crowded.
Anything could happen.
Emmett cracked his knuckles, a nervous tic he'd had since childhood. "I told Rose I'd walk her home later but… if those gowls are out roaming the streets already I'm going to go to her now."
We left the bar and stood by the front windows, watching as the rain started coming down heavily, fat drops exploding like tiny bombs on the street. I stopped Emmett before he went out, grasping his elbow. "Where'd you put James' gun?"
"Under Bella's bed."
I stared blankly at him. "What?"
He shrugged. "Mum's been pokin' about my room… she acts like she doesn't know anything, but I know she does."
"What if Bella finds it? Jaysus, you're off your nut," I sighed, zipping the front of my jacket up. I knew she wouldn't mess with the gun if she did discover it, and I doubted she'd go running to her mother, but I didn't like mixing that part of our lives with her and Alice. We made it a priority to keep them away from that aspect of our lives; they spent their time at university, the cinema, each other's homes… and that was the way it should be.
I envied them for that, and I missed the times of my life when things were so simple. But I couldn't very well sit on my arse, not doing anything. That was no longer an option for me - I'd had to put away childish things.
"Ah, keep your alans on; she's not going to go rummaging beneath her bed," he scoffed, stepping out on to the path.
"If you say so."
"I'll get it out tonight," he said, squinting down the street. He wanted to go.
"How long d'you think you'll be?" I asked.
"An hour, maybe?"
"Then just meet me back at your house, yeah?" I suggested. "I want to make sure Bella didn't find anything."
"Fine, Edward. And tell her to stay in tonight," he said, turning to go down the path.
I wished he'd just given me the gun to hold; had I known he'd be hidin' the thing in Bella's room I'd have taken it for sure. How was I going to explain myself if she found me being dodgy in her room?
Their house was less than ten minutes away, just a street away from ours. The rain was pelting down harder now and I walked briskly, wanting to get away from both it and the openness of the street. If there had been fights at the university and UVF boys nearby, the authorities were sure to be patrolling.
We knew these streets like the back of our own hands; we'd played in them as youths, but they were tense now, often filled with fighting. The worst areas were the flashpoints, where our neighborhoods met theirs, so really it was no surprise there was a row brewing out at Donegall Pass.
It wasn't safe for anyone to be going around by themselves.
Renee Swan answered the door, her shirt dusted with flour.
"Edward," she sighed, ushering me in. "Emmett's not here, love."
Charlie and Renee were my godparents and Alice's as well. Likewise, my parents had the same relationship with Em and Bella. They'd been friends years before any of us were born, and the bond had only strengthened over the years.
In fact, Charlie had been a source of advice and information when Emmett and I'd begun to show interest in participating in the cause as he'd been heavily involved as a youth himself.
"Yeah, I know. He's meeting me here in a bit," I said, roughing my hands through my hair to get the excess water out.
"Oh, that's fine. Go on; get yourself a towel from the bathroom then."
"Thanks, Renee. I'll be upstairs, all right?"
"Okay," she called, already back in the kitchen.
After running a towel through my hair so it wouldn't drip all over the floor I jogged up the stairs, not bothering to knock on Bella's bedroom door before going in. I'd been in there plenty of times after all and had known her so long she could've been my sister.
If I was honest with myself, though, I didn't think of her as my sister.
That changed the day she climbed out of the public pool after one of her swim meets, sleek and wet in a plain black suit that clung to her skin, the shape of her nipples completely visible. It was awful; I'd spent the rest of the afternoon hiding a feckin' erection, berating myself all the while for thinking of Emmett's little sister that way, knowing for sure I was going straight to hell.
That had been three, maybe four, years before. Three or four years of staring at me when she thought I didn't see and turning scarlet when I looked at her, of her nipples poking through her shirts, of her jeans getting tighter around what was now a perfect arse.
I wasn't the only one noticing, either. Thankfully she'd a beast of a brother to keep the neighborhood dogs at bay. I knew, mainly from Mum and Alice, that Bella had dated in school, but I also knew she was a good girl. Like my sister she was saving herself for marriage… not that you'd know from the way she looked at me. Jaysus, sometimes I wondered if her thoughts were as dirty as mine.
I hadn't ever acted on it because it had always seemed inappropriate - a breach of trust between our families, most especially between her brother and me. It was becoming difficult to convince myself of that lately though, both because of the way she acted around me and my thoughts about her. Was Emmett really enough of a reason to deny myself? To deny her?
She was sitting on her bed when I walked in, her back to me as she messed around with her hair.
"You have explaining to do," she said in a snippy little voice.
She'd probably thought it was Emmett.
"I do?" I paused in the doorway as she looked at me, obviously caught off guard. I was probably the last person she expected to see, and I watched in amusement as her cheeks turned pink.
She frowned suddenly. "Where's Em?"
I ran my fingers through my hair, still trying to slough rainwater from it. "Hello to you too, Bella."
"Sorry Edward, hi. I just…wondered where Emmett was. I haven't seen him all day and I really need to speak to him."
I nodded, leaning against the door. "He'll be home soon."
Her eyes narrowed a bit as she watched me and I wondered – not for the first time – if she had suspicions about Em and I. The girls had witnessed and even attended rallies and demonstrations at Queens, much the way we had before getting involved ourselves. It was hard to avoid the situation when it was all around.
Bella eyes were still on me, but they'd glazed over, like she was lost in thought as well. I saw that her hair was wet too; she'd either been in the rain or in the shower. I glanced involuntarily at her chest -her tits were the one pair that was off limits to me so I was fascinated by them -and saw that her nipples were on display, because she probably wasn't wearing a bra.
Jaysus.
"I just left him," I added mindlessly, walking to her window before I got hard and she thought I was a feckin' pervert.
"We'd a long day at work today – lots of deliveries – and then at the pub we heard there'd been a fight after the rally at Queen's today?" It was hypothetical; I didn't expect her to answer, and I continued on, watching the quiet street below. Emmett would be with Rose by now; I knew he'd be safe – he was no fool – but I didn't like him being on his own. I had to trust he'd be all right. Like me, he carried protection; we had to.
"Anyway, I thought I'd check in on you; make sure you were home safe. Em doesn't really want you going back out, you know, just in case. He had to run an errand up the road but he'll be back within the hour… so I'll just wait here till he gets back."
I turned back to Bella, but she'd checked out of the conversation, and probably a while back. She blinked at me, and I had to wonder what was really on her mind. I wasn't so full of myself to imagine my very presence had rendered her speechless, but there was definitely something distracting her.
She almost seemed… guilty.
"What's with you?" I asked.
Without a word she slid off the bed and dropped to her knees, reaching underneath.
Ah, feck. I knew it. I was going to throttle Emmett.
"What's this?" she asked, full on accusing me as she tossed a brown paper bag onto the bed.
I crossed right over to where she stood and snatched up the bag, automatically tucking it beneath my arm. "What are you doing with this?"
She flinched slightly, looking at the wall. "I should be asking you and Emmett! This is my room, Edward! The two of you have real nerve coming and planting that shite underneath my bed. If you want to do that sort of thing, keep it in his room. Or yours."
I glared down at the top of her head, furious Emmett had put me in this situation at all. I didn't want the girls knowing a thing; it could endanger them.
"And what sort of thing is that?" I asked, wanting her to just spit it out. At least then I'd know how to deal with her.
She sat heavily on her bed, staring down. "I don't know, just…"
Just like that, the fight in her was gone, and knew then she'd probably drop the issue. She and Emmett had always been fairly close, and I knew she'd probably do anything she could to keep our secrets.
Watching her carefully, I sat down next to her, and touched her hand. Things had shifted, as if she'd been plucked from her world and dropped into mine. "You won't say anything, then?"
She exhaled slowly, resigned. "Who would I tell?"
"Alice."
"I won't," she promised, still not looking at me.
In a way, I felt bad asking her to keep things from my sister, but it couldn't be helped. What Emmett and I did was none of their business. I didn't like that she was being exposed to things like this; it made me feel like I was robbing her of her innocence somehow. She wasn't a child, and she wasn't completely naïve, but knowing something and seeing it were two different things.
What's done was done though, and the important thing was that she was trustworthy. There weren't many girls I could say that about, but then again I didn't exactly give most of them the chance to prove themselves. Since being put I charge of my battalion I hadn't time to be someone's boyfriend, so my interactions with the opposite sex were usually rather… to the point.
Leaning forward, I placed the brown paper bag on the floor and pushed it back underneath the bed. Our eyes locked, and for once she didn't blush. She did look away before I did, though.
She fell back onto the bed, closing her eyes.
I looked at the clock, wondering when Emmett was going to show up. It had been about forty minutes, and Rose's flat wasn't far from where she worked.
I eased back on to her bed, propping myself on to my elbow. Bella had grown up, I realized.
And I was really bleedin' tired of trying to stay away from her.
"Bella."
She opened her eyes, looking slightly surprised and then suspicious. "Yes?"
I gazed into her big brown eyes, noticing for the first time how long her eyelashes were. She was trying so hard to look impassive but I knew I affected her. She rolled on to her side and mimicked me, leaning on her elbow.
What are we doing?
Knowing I was blurring the line, I tucked her hair behind her ear and watched as her eyes grew wider, just barely. Bella was altogether different, and she did deserve the time and effort I rarely gave other girls. She was the sort of girl you stayed with, not one you tossed away, and though I had reservations as to whether I could be what she needed I knew in my heart I couldn't ever use her.
If she wanted me the way I thought she might, I would try for her.
"What?" she asked after a moment.
"You like me," I said.
She smiled, but it was forced, and I knew I'd made her uncomfortable. "Of course I do."
We were in the middle now, and although I could easily retreat and go back to the way we'd been I didn't want to. That was ridiculous. Bella was inexperienced, and maybe she didn't know how to tell me what she wanted, but I knew and I was tired of the ambiguity.
"No. You love me."
Her expression hardened, and she sat up, putting distance between us. She was cute when she was cheesed off, and I pulled at her hair, wanting her attention.
"Why exactly are you here?" she snapped, yanking her hair away.
I hadn't meant to embarrass her, but Jaysus, she'd known me her whole life. I sat up too, closing the distance between us, and reached over, tugging my fingers beneath her chin 'til she looked at me.
Then I kissed her.
She frowned slightly, her eyes closed. "Why-"
I kissed her again, longer this time.
This time, she looked dazed when I pulled away. "Why did you do that?" she whispered.
"Because you wanted me to," I said, smirking at her.
Her face fell a bit and I right away I regretted my impertinence.
"And because I wanted to," I added truthfully, wanting her to know.
She looked at me, well, at my mouth, and I knew she wanted to kiss me again. I ran my hand down her face and neck, pulling her close, and brought our mouths back together, faintly surprised when she opened up to me right away.
That was it.
I slipped my tongue inside, tasting Bella for the first time, vaguely aware of how sweet forbidden things were. She responded to me, running her tongue against mine, her fingernails digging into my arms because she was holding me so tight.
Tilting my face, I kissed her deeper, harder, finding it hard to hold back now. She was just… opening herself to me, trusting me. I took her hands off my arms and wrapped them around me instead, improving the awkward angle of kissing side by side. Holding her cheeks between my hands, I kissed her jaw and then her neck, sucking her skin.
She gasped and tightened her arms around me and all I could think of was getting her on her back, feeling her arms around me that way.
The fog dissipated when we heard the heavy footsteps coming up the stairs, signaling Emmett's return home. Bella froze, her arms dropping away, and I looked at the door, knowing he was about to walk in any moment. She moved to the head of the bed, blushing, and I hadn't the heart to tell her she looked guilty as sin and that it wouldn't be surprising if Em figured it out anyway.
"Bella?" he called, walking right in as I had done earlier. He strode to the window and looked out, checking the street before looking back to me. His mind was elsewhere, thankfully. "We have to go."
Had he been running?
Bella cleared her throat. "Emmett-"
"Not right now, Bella. I'll be back in a bit." He began moving back toward the door, once again preoccupied.
I stood up, my hands in my pockets. "She knows, Em."
Emmett stopped just short of the door, his shoulders sagging as he turned to look at her over his shoulder. He tried hard to protect his family from the reality of what we were doing, and I know it killed him that Bella was now exposed to a side of him – of us – that he'd wanted to keep from her.
"I found it under my bed this morning," she said, and the accusing tone she'd had with me earlier was gone.
"I'll move it later," he said quietly, giving her a long look before walking out.
There were so many things I wanted to say to her, but we hadn't the time just then. I'd known that when I'd flirted with her, when I'd kissed her, but I was selfish. I'd been curious for so long that when the chance came I took it.
Talking would have to come later.
I followed Emmett out of Bella's bedroom, not looking back as I closed the door.
Usually Friday night found Emmett and me with the boys at one of the pubs by Queen's, but because of the shite that had gone on earlier we decided to go elsewhere. No self respecting Protestant would be seen in the Markets area and so that's where we went, congregating till wee hours in a little billiards hall.
I'd played several games and had put away twice as many Harp's when Tanya Murphy sidled up to me at the bar, wedging her body between my legs. She was a fine bit of stuff, but she knew it. We'd been together once or twice, but I had a feeling she was half a bubble off true – one of the nutty, possessive types.
"Edward," she greeted me, grinning slyly.
"Hi, Tanya." I put my hands on her hips and moved her gently away, not wanting to be rude but not wanting to encourage her, either.
Like a rubber band, she slid right on back, rubbing her arse all over my crotch.
This time I wasn't as gentle when I pushed her away. Confidence was sexy in a girl, but this was just desperate. I got off the stool before she could reattach herself and walked to stand with Em, who was talking with the bartender.
"I'm about ready to go," I said, taking his pack of cigarettes and lighting one for myself.
"Tyler need a ride?"
I glanced around, finally spotting him in dark corner, all over some girl. "Hey," I said, approaching them. "We're heading out. You coming?"
Tyler whispered something to his "friend", who whispered something back. "Nah, I've got a ride, thanks."
"I'm sure ya do," I muttered, turning and motioning toward Emmett.
"Leavin' so soon?" Tanya asked, posted by the door.
"Had a long day, so I did," I said, edging past her. She seemed to get the hint and left me alone, not bothering to follow us out. She wasn't that bad of a girl really, she just wasn't for me.
And anyway my mind kept wandering to Bella, her innocent eyes and her maybe not-so-innocent mouth. I didn't know what the hell I was doing with her but it felt wrong to let some other girl push herself on to me now.
I finished my cigarette and stamped it out, motioning for Em to do the same. My father trusted me to take care of his car and to be home at a decent hour when I had it, and I respected that. Also, I was tired, and even if we were in a "safe" part of town, the RUC liked to roll through at times to check on things and I didn't want to be around when they did.
I dropped Emmett home first, waiting until he opened his front door to drive away, and wondering if his sister was sleeping.
I stayed in bed till nearly eleven the next morning, relishing the fact I hadn't any work. The smell of sausage wafted up from the kitchen when I opened my door to go to the bathroom, making my stomach grumble.
"Morning," I said, giving my mother a kiss when I went downstairs.
"I was beginning to wonder if you'd grace us with your presence," she teased.
"Where's Da? And Alice?"
"He's at the hospital, and she's with Bella. I think they were going to try and see a film later on. D'you want coffee or tea?"
"Coffee please," I said, yawning.
"What're your plans for the day?" Mum asked, placing a hot plate of food in front of me.
"Nothing, preferably." I bowed my head and closed my eyes, muttering a quick grace before digging in.
"I'm going to mass tonight if you want to come." She sat across from me, stirring her tea.
"I'll go tomorrow, I think."
"Okay. Let me know if you change your mind; I'll probably go with Renee."
I knew I wouldn't change my mind but I nodded anyway.
Later on, we were back at Flanagan's. It was an uncharacteristically sunny afternoon, and the place was packed… again. Rainy day? Let's have a pint. Sunny day? Perfect day for a pint.
Chuckling, I took a sip of beer.
"Oh Jaysus, Cullen's laughing to himself now," Emmett said, giving me a funny look.
"Just thinkin' is all," I said. "Rose coming out tonight?"
"Later on, after supper. She said she wanted to go to some new place over by Queen's. Things have calmed down, so we'll probably go."
We stayed for awhile, talking the way we usually did. Charlie came after a bit, joining us at the bar for several pints before saying he had to go home for dinner. It was getting on in the evening, and I knew I'd have to walk home soon as well. I left to go to the bathroom and when I returned, Emmett was nowhere to be found.
Feckin' eejit. He probably thought I'd left.
I paid my tab and was about to leave when I saw Bella making her way through the crowd, chatting with a few people here and there, probably looking for her Da. Flanagan's wasn't really her scene, even if it was laid back. I didn't think Bella was much of a drinker.
Following her back toward the front of the pub, I reached out and grabbed her wrist, stopping her before she went outside. She turned to me like she wasn't that surprised to see me, the prettiest smile on her face.
The sun shone in through the windows, warming the spot we were standing in, making things seem brighter.
I leaned down to speak into her ear. "Are you lookin' for your Da?"
"Yes, and Emmett. Mum wants them home for supper," she said, raising her voice a bit to be heard above the noise.
I nodded toward the bar. "We were all sitting together."
She looked, too, searching the sea of faces. I wondered if she'd been thinking about me, about kissing me. By the way her eyes kept wandering to my mouth, I had a feeling she had been.
She looked abruptly back at me, catching me staring at her, and I was about to offer to walk her home when a familiar face walking quickly by the far window caught my attention.
I knew that face, would recognize his odd sandy blonde hair anywhere. I hadn't seen him inside, but that didn't mean he hadn't been there and I instantly felt a cold fist of dread close inside my stomach.
Instinctively, I knew something was wrong, knew it even before I realized it logically.
I saw it before I heard it; the window shattering, the sunlight reflecting off of it as it radiated inward.
I had Bella's hand in my own before she could react, and I pulled her roughly through the hysterical crowd, pushing an unforgiving path to the back where I knew there was a door leading to the alley.
The second we reached the back door another bomb went off, and I heard Bella cry out this time. Panicked, I yanked her outside and pushed her up against the wall so I could check the extent of her injuries. She was white as a sheet, covered in dust and shaking so hard I could scarcely hold on to her, but she managed to direct me to her arm.
My heart dropped when I saw the blood, but it quickly became apparent it was a shallow cut; she probably wouldn't even need stitches. Something warm dripped into my eyes and I put my hand to my forehead, grimacing when I saw blood on my hand. It hurt, but not badly.
We'd been lucky, but I had to get her as far away as possible, and right away. Taking her hand, I urged her down the alley toward the street, which was packed with people. I heard Bella crying, asking about her father and Emmett, and while I thought they'd both gotten out before the first explosion I wasn't sure.
My main goal was to just get away. "We have to go, Bella. There's nothing we can do right now – I need to get you home, it's not safe…"
She tried to touch the wound on my forehead but I moved my face, impatient. We hadn't time for that. I wanted her as far away as possible, where she couldn't be hurt.
The sound of screaming and sirens coming from different directions filled the air. Another explosion shook the very ground we stood on and I began running, squeezing Bella's hand tightly so I wouldn't lose her.
The flat we used as a safe house was closer to Flanagan's than either my street or Bella's, and it was there that I brought her. I took the back way, unsure of who was out on the street. I didn't know if the bombings were isolated or if there was more to come, and I needed to be somewhere quiet and safe to regroup.
"What's this?" Bella asked once we were inside the building.
"A sort of a safe house."
"Why didn't you just bring me home?"
I didn't know how to answer that; the adrenaline had worn off, leaving me exhausted and empty. Turning on the light, I pointed silently to the couch and then went to the bedroom, where we kept a first aid kit.
"Is there a telephone?" she called out.
"In here," I said, dabbing at my face. The blood continued trickling down, and I was starting to get annoyed.
Bella sat wordlessly beside me, putting antiseptic on to a piece of cloth before holding it to my head. She pressed it gently until the bleeding had stopped, at which point I was able to put ointment on it.
I gave her the phone once she'd finished, half listening as she spoke to her mother, whose voice I could hear even from the bathroom.
A shudder ran through me.
What if I hadn't been there? What if Bella'd been alone?
When it sounded like she was wrapping up her conversation I motioned for her to give me the phone. I needed to speak to Emmett, right away; he needed to know what I'd seen. This had been a blatant, cold blooded attack in our very neighborhood, exacted to cause as much loss of life as possible. I was seething, and it was only for Bella that I didn't go back out into the night and return the feckin' favor.
So caught up was I in my discussion I hardly noticed she'd disappeared into the bathroom. I knew there weren't towels in there, and I didn't want her to have to put her dirty, blood stained clothes back on.
Getting off the phone, I rounded up a clean towel and extra clothing I kept there and brought them into the bathroom for her. The boys and I normally used the safe house as a place to meet, plan and discuss operatives and missions we needed to execute, but there had been times we'd used it for refuge.
Because of this I kept small amounts of clothing and food, never knowing when I would need it.
I was sitting on the bed, going over who I needed to call the next day, when Bella came out of the bathroom, steam billowing around her. My clothes were too big on her, but she looked cute and I laughed a bit. She looked better physically, but I knew she was still in shock from what had happened.
How could she not be? She'd had to run for her life.
She sat down on the bed, leaning against the wall.
"We didn't have anything to do with what happened today, Bella." It was imperative she understand; she might have thought she knew, but she didn't. There were other groups outside the IRA that did things like this, but we were often the ones blamed. I couldn't have her thinking this had been something like that.
The small smile she'd had left her face and she sagged against the wall, chewing her lip. "Aren't you going to bathe?" she asked finally, looking up at me.
Her dismissal of what I'd said bothered me, even though it didn't surprise me. Em and I kept things from her, and now I wanted her to accept those things? Even if we hadn't been responsible for Flanagan's, we'd been involved in similar things.
My shower was brief; I quickly scrubbed remnants of the explosions from my body and hair and dried off, somewhat anxious to return to Bella. I wanted to make sure she was okay; I found sometimes it took a while for frightening events like the one we'd just survived to sink in.
More than anything, I needed to be there for her.
When I walked out though, still drying my hair, she'd fallen asleep, curled in to a little ball.
I went out into the living room, double checking the locks on the door and turning off the lights before returning to the bedroom, where I left only the bathroom light on, in case Bella needed it later.
Not wanting to disturb her, I took a heavy blanket from the foot of the bed and covered her with it, but she woke up anyway, sitting straight up.
"Sorry, Bella. Go back to sleep." I said, lying down next to her and shutting my eyes.
The mattress shifted as she settled back down, and I opened my eyes after a moment to see if she'd fallen back asleep. She gazed back in the half-dark, reaching out to touch my hair, and I grabbed her wrist, wanting to maintain the contact. Bringing my body closer to hers, I leaned on my side, touching the long, dark waves in her hair.
A sense of… relief flowed through me. I wanted her to be awake. I didn't know when next I'd have her to myself and there were things I wanted to tell her.
"I love your hair," I admitted, and I did. I always had.
"It's a mess right now, I'm sure," she said, touching it.
I smiled down at her, my stomach tightening in desire for her. Her lips were just barely open, and I leaned down to kiss them, not wanting to resist anything anymore. I wanted to taste her again, and so I did, licking my tongue against hers, pleased when she responded to me. Shifting over, I eased in between her legs, wanting to be close, and she let me, her fingers rough and insistent in my hair.
This was a side to her I'd imagined but never seen, and it made me wickedly aroused. I wrapped one of her legs around me and she brought the other one up on her own, hugging me with her whole body. She pushed her hips up against me, rubbing my cock when she did. I groaned, pushing back so I could feel it again and again.
Her little gasps and moans were turning me on, making me want her in ways I knew she mightn't be ready for, but I wanted to make her feel good and I knew I could if she'd let me. I worried fleetingly that she trusted me so much, that she'd open herself this way to me, but then she whispered my name and all I could see and feel was her, then, there.
"Are you okay?" I whispered, sucking her earlobe.
"Mhm," she moaned, and I licked my way down her jaw to her neck and back up, kissing her and sucking along the way, loving her shudders below me.
Pushing away from her, I supported my weight on one hand and opened the button of her jeans with the other.
"You're good at that," she said, her hair long and messy, framing her face and falling around her shoulders. She was so bleedin' appealing and she didn't even try.
"I'm good at a lot of things," I assured her, a bit amused. I could just imagine her blushing in the darkness.
I pulled the jeans off and lay back down, pushing myself against her slower, harder, running my tongue along her lips and then into her mouth. Easing slightly on to my side, I grazed my fingers across her stomach and paused at her panties, looking at her.
"Is this okay?"
She nodded, pulling my face to hers, kissing me so sweetly. I ran my hand down her stomach, between her legs, and under her panties, sliding my fingers against the slick, wet skin there. Her eyes fluttered shut and she gasped, opening her legs even wider as I touched her, slowly and then quickly, her sounds and movements making me even harder. I didn't know how much more I could take; I felt like I was about to come in my feckin' pants.
She was close to coming, I could tell; her hips began moving quickly against my hand. I worked her harder, wanting to see her fall apart, wanting to watch her have what would probably be her first orgasm.
We kissed again and then she came, her body arching away from the bed, her head thrown back as she panted. "That felt good," she sighed, still holding on to me.
She sounded so innocent, all over again. I was struck by how receptive to me she was, how trusting, how wanting. If we continued down this path, I would be taking something from her that she'd meant to protect and keep until she was married. I was seducing her now, but she had to really want it.
I couldn't just take it.
Leaving little kisses against her neck, I eased off a bit. "What do you want to do, Bella?"
She stilled in the dark. "I want…to be with you."
"I want you. I want…" Lying on my back beside her, I flattened my hand across her stomach, touching the dips and curves of her ribs and belly button.
Suddenly Bella sat up, pulling the shirt she was wearing up over her head. She climbed onto me, her breasts warm against my chest, and started sucking on my neck the same way I'd done to her before.
Maybe she wasn't too forthcoming with her words, but she hadn't any issue communicating in other ways...
I rolled us over so I was on top of her and finally touched the nipples that had been taunting me for years. She was so soft, and smooth… made for me.
"I want to be inside you," I said, looking right at her.
She licked her lip and started pulling her panties off, and I helped her, my heart pounding heavily inside my chest. A voice insisted we slow it down, that I just talk to her… but I couldn't. Not now. Later.
We were going to do this. She was giving herself to me, and I did not – could not – take it lightly.
I was responsible for her now.
Once we were naked and beneath the blanket together I stretched over her, wanting to feel as much of her skin on mine as I could before we started. Once we joined together this way, we could never go back to how things were. I'd never be able to look at her again without thinking about this.
Sliding down her body, I took one of her nipples into my mouth, running my tongue over it, sucking. She moved continually beneath me, her hands soothing through my hair, her heart racing so fast I felt it against my chest. Coming back up, I opened her legs a little more with mine and guided my cock to her.
"Promise me you'll tell me if you want to stop," I said, beginning to push my way inside her.
"Okay," she whispered, tightening her arms around my shoulders.
I tried to go slow, but it seemed as if that was just prolonging her pain – and she was obviously in pain. She was tight, almost too tight, and I paused, tilting her hips up to a slightly more comfortable angle before entering her completely. She cried a little, her eyes squeezed shut, her nails embedded into my back. I kept moving, wanting to acclimate her body to the feeling of me inside of her, trusting, hoping, she'd tell me if it was too much. I watched her face carefully, willing her to relax.
"Are you okay?" I whispered, feeling like a real arsehole because she obviously wasn't.
But she nodded her head and opened her eyes, looking up at me. I lowered down to kiss her, and she kissed me back, her tongue tracing a drop of sweat on my neck.
That one thing, her licking me like that, pushed me over. I tightened inside, trying to control the thrusts so I didn't hurt her, but it was difficult to go slow when I just wanted to pound into her.
"I'm gonna, I'm gonna," I pressed my cheek against hers, incoherent with pleasure. She lifted her legs, putting them around me, and I eased back, my eyes closed as I rode it out.
Oh, my God.
I emptied into her, knowing I should have worn a condom but also knowing I'd take care of her no matter what, and relaxed on to her. Not wanting to crush her, I started to ease off of her but she held on to me fiercely, not letting me move.
Soon, though, I had to move so I could clean myself, and her, up. I went to the bathroom, and brought a towel out for her, but she said she wanted to take another shower. I watched as she walked carefully to the bathroom, hoping she was okay.
Part of me was content and satiated and in awe of all that Bella was, but part of me worried she'd resent me. One thought kept running through the recesses of my mind: I should have talked to her. There wasn't anything I could do now, though – I couldn't go back, nor did I want to. Tomorrow. We had tomorrow.
I'd begun to doze off, utterly exhausted, when she crawled back into bed, once again wearing my shirt. She started to get under the blanket with me, but then stiffened, and I realized she was probably overwhelmed by what we'd just done.
I pulled her down to me, curling around her, wanting her to feel secure with me.
"Sleep," I said, pushing my face in her hair.
And she did.
I, however, was now wide awake, and more than once I went to the window in the front room to look through the crack in the curtains. My mind roiled with the thoughts of Flanagan's, the explosion, and then making love to Bella. I couldn't get my mind to shut down.
By the time I made it back to bed and started to finally doze, the room was starting to lighten and she was stirring.
As the hours passed she turned to face me, her shirt becoming twisted and pushed up around her body. I slid my hands underneath the fabric and inched lower, loving the way she smelled. I didn't want to leave that very spot, hadn't felt that way about a girl in quite some time.
I felt when she woke up, how her chin moved against the top of my head. I sucked her nipple into my mouth and she gasped and giggled, trying to get away. I just pulled us closer, pushing my leg up between hers, feeling her wetness against my thigh.
"Mmm, feels like you're ready for another go," I said, running my nose up and down her neck. She smacked playfully at me, but didn't let go, and I wondered what she was thinking.
The night before, she'd seemed nervous, almost distant.
I scooted up so I could look at her, touching my hand to her cheek.
"You're in a good mood," she commented, smiling shyly. She seemed all right now.
I had to keep in mind I'd been in more relationships than she had, that all of this was new to her. I'd sensed her doubting herself, doubting me, right before we'd gone to sleep the night before. I'd have to change that.
Her hand was on my hip, so I placed it on my erection instead. "I'm a morning person."
She rolled her eyes and moved her hand back to my hip, but I hitched her leg around my body and got closer, teasing her entrance with my dick, kissing her.
"Are you sore?" I asked.
"Yes," she breathed.
"Too sore?"
"No."
I held her open and guided myself inside. She winced, but held me closer too, breathing heavily.
I pushed her onto her back and held our bodies tight together, moving slowly.
"Your brother might kill me," I laughed breathlessly.
"But how will he know?" she asked, opening her eyes slowly to look at me.
Pausing, I positioned her leg so that it would be more comfortable for her. "You don't expect to keep this a secret, do you?"
She grinned, shaking her head. "I guess not."
She wanted to believe I would be true, and I wanted to her to believe it, too. "I know you're frightened Bella, but I will always take care of you." And I would. I couldn't leave her now.
Her eyes grew wet and she wiped roughly at her face. Leaning down, I kissed her eyelids.
"I promise."
"I know."
I was going to come soon, but I wanted to make sure she did first so I reached down between us and touched her, rubbing her clit as I pushed into her over and over. Her whole body clenched and then went lax, and she shuddered. "Always," she moaned, her eyes shut.
"Always," I agreed.
