Author's Note: Thanks for hanging in here with my long hiatus. The muse deserted me. But I'm back in the saddle. Thanks for all the kind reviews and letters of encouragement. For those who haven't realized it after 27 chapters, this is a send up of every Western and Cop show or movie ever written. Laugh with me folks. Can you guess which one this chapter is? Sigh.
Chapter 28 Support Your Local Colonel
Mining Town
"Jack!"
Alva called after me as I headed off for the saloon. Alarmed at the shooting in the street and the callous reaction to it, Alva thought I had lost all control. She followed me to the hitching post and then into the saloon. I didn't care. I was hot, thirsty, and pissed off. So I walked up to the bar and demanded a cold beer. Alva burst through the double doors and ran up to me. She caught my eye and became afraid. I guess she saw the hard soulless brown eyes of a Spec Ops soldier. She gasped.
"Get her out of here." I ordered her. That bar was no place for a woman with all those hungry eyes. "Wait with the horses." Two men ushered her out the double swinging doors. "Now, does this town have a mayor?"
"Yes, boy what do you want with him?"
"Boy, huh," I considered the insult before I took a swig of the beer and pretended to laugh. I'd had it with bars and winding up in the street with a pillow of horse crud to soften the blow. So I caught the man off guard and gave him a left hook into the solar plexus. A knee in the head finished him. Two more started for me but I drew my 9 mil. "You were out on the street," I said to the big one. "I saw you. Think I won't use this?"
"Uh, wait Bill," he said to the other one. "What you want, mister?"
"Get the mayor," I said in my best command voice. Yeah, the darn thing squeaked as my voice broke. Hey, it was the tail end of the cold, you know. The smaller one slunk out. "You sit down." The big one complied. "Now, who's been running this joint?"
"Come again?"
"Who's in charge of this dump of a town?"
"The Mayor," the big one answered.
"Uh, we'll see about that."
I finished my beer about the time the Mayor came in. The little one pointed at me. The Mayor straightened his vest and puffed out his chest. He barreled up to the bar and ordered a drink.
"I'm Mayor Oliver," the Mayor sneered. "I hear you are interested in the job of sheriff. Leave the bottle Clem."
"I might be. What's it pay?"
I figured I'd get the communication balls by taking the job however temporarily. Then I could get a message to Teal'c. I played with checking my 9 mil. The man understood my intent. He had heard about the shooting in the street.
"Well, none of them ever lived long enough to collect it. What do you want?"
"I get $200 a month, in advance…payable on the first…not the second."
"Well that's got to be approved," he protested.
"So approve it."
He thought it over and shrugged. I guess he figured I wouldn't last the day. "Okay, raise your right hand." He handed me a dented silver star.
"This must have saved the life of the last sheriff."
"Oh, it would have except for all the other bullets that got him."
"Anyone solve the murder?"
"No, can't say as we did." The Mayor must have thought that was funny by the strange look on his face. Or maybe he thought I was being cheeky. "There were some files. Our sheriff was a good organizer but yellow clear through."
"This town have a jail?"
The Bartender snorted. The Mayor said, "Oh sure, sure, we got ourselves a brand new jail. It's practically escape proof."
"Oh it's got nearly everything," snorted the Bartender in amusement. "Even has a new stove with a coffee pot all ready to boil."
"Okay just swear me in."
"Sure, kid, what's your name?"
"Jack …Roy Rogers."
"Okay, Jack Roy Rogers, raise your right hand," and the Mayor swore me in. "You'll need this, the key to the jail."
He dropped the key in my hand. The Mayor eyed me up and down. I jingled it and put it in my pocket. "Now the one for the cells."
"That's all we have. You'll see."
"Now an advance on my pay, I just cleaned up Chaos and Mayhem for you." I smirked with all the bravado I could muster. The Mayor flipped me a $20 gold piece.
"All I have on me."
"Get the rest by nightfall." I tipped my hat. "Charmed to meet you, which way?"
The bartender pointed to the left. I strode out, collecting Alva and moseyed on over to the jail. The key wasn't necessary since the door was open. At that moment, two fellows rolled by in a fist fight. Unbelievable. We went inside. That's when I realized what the Mayor meant by 'nearly' escape proof. I stopped dead in my tracks and whistled at the sight.
"Okay, this is going to be harder than I thought."
We stared at two jail cells with no bars. 'Nearly escape proof.' Yeah. Yeah oh yeah, that's how I would describe them.
"Jack, did anyone mention this?" I shook my head no. "What did you do in that bar?"
"Had the Mayor confirm me," I felt so stupid I couldn't help grinning back at her. "Oh, and I get paid $200 a month."
Alva looked at the filthy jail and shook her head. "And what about all your other troubles and mine?"
"It's too late. I already accepted the job."
"The only thing it's too late for is being born." She looked askance at the bunks in the cells. Then she spied the broom and the mop. "I'll get this cleaned up. Find the communication balls."
"Yes, ma'am," I gave her a casual salute and proceeded to sort through the clutter and old handbills and Wanted posters. I came across my own and stuffed it in my pocket. We spent an hour searching for the communication balls and came up empty. "I'm going to have a look around. Come on, we need some groceries."
In the dry goods store, Alva picked out provisions, pots, kitchen supplies, and soap. I had an idea. I found some paint and brushes along with some ink and quills. Back at the jail, Alva found the pot bellied stove as promised. It even had wood in it; so she began to try to make a fire. That's a lot of work so I gently pushed her aside.
"Allow me, ma'am." I aimed the zat and fired to start the fire. It caught. She gave me a look of gratitude that made me feel really guilty. Just like a mom, she made some bacon and eggs. Once we had eaten, I got up to paint while Alva cleaned up. Well, if you have no bars on the cells, you need a line in the sand, so to speak. I painted a white line where the bars should have been. Then it occurred to me only a drunk would take it seriously. So I dripped some red ink all over the fresh paint. We were making more progress on the place until someone burst in for the sheriff.
"Sheriff," the man stopped short seeing the badge on a fifteen year old boy and frowned. "Get the Sheriff boy and take that badge offa you. Go on, git."
"I'm the sheriff," I answered with as much aplomb as I could muster, which wasn't all that much considering my eye which was healing slowly. "What's the problem?"
"Jumping Jehosaphat! The Mayor has lost his mind. You ain't even hit pooberty."
"Pooberty is over rated."
"All right kid, the General Store is getting robbed again."
It was something out of a bad B-western from my childhood. So I put on my hat as I've seen countless sheriffs do and moved off to save the shopkeeper. Hearing the ruckus, I figured no one was worried about the sheriff showing up. As the man backed out, I caught him from behind and decked him.
"You're a slow learner." It was one of the dudes from the morning's altercation. "You're under arrest."
"What for?"
"Jaywalking, c'mon I'll figure out the rest later."
"You gonna try to arrest… ME? You don't look like you could arrest your mother, kid. You aren't nearly as tough as the last couple of sheriffs that tried and they died in the attempt."
"I get so tired listening to a man run off at the mouth before I kill him."
The man's hand moved for his gun, My instincts were faster. Naturally, I blew the thing right out of his hand. "Now you're under arrest for resisting arrest and attempted murder of a law officer. Move it."
The crowd grew and taunted the hapless robber for being bested by a kid. They laughed at him all the way to the jail, where a cheer went up. Once inside, I pointed to the cell. The man grinned.
"In there," I motioned with my gun.
"You've got to be kidding, kid. You expect me to sit in that cell on that…"
"Just make me really happy and go sit down while I do the paperwork." I turned to Alva, "Use this if he twitches." I handed her the zat, opened. "Squeeze here if he does."
The man grinned until I pointed to the white line with my boot. "I would. She's got an itchy trigger finger. See that?" Then I pointed to the drops of red ink all over the floor. "That's from the last fellow who didn't stand behind the line.
The man blanched under Alva's fury. He looked down at the red spots again and decided to sit down.
She kept the zat pointed at the man's head, remembering him too. At that time the Mayor came in. He nodded to the man in the cell. He gave a short look at Alva and addressed himself to me.
"You'd better release him," the Mayor said forcefully.
"And why would I do that?"
"That's Joe Barnes, son of Mark Barnes."
"Doesn't ring a bell."
"He owns most of this town. If you want to make it to suppertime, I'm just saying, use some discretion."
"I'll take my chances."
"In that case, I'll put up the signs for a new sheriff."
"Naw, don't bother. I'll stay Sheriff of this town and become one of the most beloved icons in Western folklore."
"I'm gonna get you for this, Rogers!" Joe Barnes shouted from behind the white line. I turned to him with my usual patience and tolerance. The man was a little slow on the uptake. I cocked my head considering just how dumb was he. He didn't get it. I looked at the line and at the man. The man was still behind the line.
"Well, aren't you the toughest talking blowhard that ever lived?"
The man realized I was looking at the white line and lunged for me. Alva shot him with the zat. He went down in a heap. My attention turned back to the Mayor.
"I guess you know what you're doing, Sheriff."
"I don't know whatever gave you that idea." I'd had enough. So I ushered the man out. "Oh, did you get the rest of my salary?"
"Oh, yeah, but I think we should wait and see if you live out the day first."
"I don't." My expression hardened. "And you don't, not really."
Withering under that look, the Mayor forked over the rest of the cash. "If you die I'm taking it back…prorated of course."
"You can try," Alva said, accidentally on purpose pointing the zat at him. The Mayor noticed and hustled out the door.
"Here, Alva," I handed her all the money. "I made a mess of things for you. It's the least I can do to make up for all the trouble I got you into and damage to your house." I couldn't look her in the eye. "I don't know how long I have to stay here. But I swear I'll make things right for you with Teal'c."
Alva's eyes misted. "Jack, it's not about the money. My man," she choked up. "He's not going to understand."
"Oh, Alva, I," I didn't know what to say. I never know what to say unless I'm taunting a bad guy. "I didn't think. I'm sorry."
"It was my choice, Jack."
"Whatever I can do, you know…" She patted me on the shoulder and went to tie up the bandit. I don't know which was worse; her understanding, not being mad, or the reassuring pat on the shoulder.
Teal'c's Office Upstream
"Mr. President, we have an urgent communication on the balls for you, sir." Teal'c's local aide interrupted the meeting planning for the new water supply. Teal'c looked up with irritation. "It's from General Rak'nor."
"Bring the communicators in here. This meeting is adjourned for a recess." He nodded to them and they shuffled out. The aide came in with the balls and set them on the table. One look from Teal'c and he departed, closing the door behind him.
"Teal'c, we have determined that O'Neill was here. A lynch mob tried to hang him for the rape of the Mayor's daughter. However, there was some sort of battle at a local farmhouse and he escaped. Trackers report that he went upstream with a companion. We believe the farmer's wife is with him. It is unclear if she is a hostage or an accomplice. They managed to cross the river. O'Neill disabled the ferry about eight miles upstream."
"Understood."
"We are going to leave a picket here in case he returns. The local sheriff is under arrest for attempted murder. Shall I execute him?"
"No, return him for trial here. We may need his testimony to clear O'Neill." Teal'c thought a moment more. "Can you really track him?"
"Unknown, we have been unable to cross. It is getting dark, so we may not be able to continue much longer."
"Did you not take the night vision goggles I obtained from the SGC?"
"We did. But how will that help us find the trail?"
"Use them anyway and keep looking. What towns or other settlements are on that side of the river?"
"There are several small towns and a Jaffa base in the next county."
"I shall have the commander send additional troops. You will coordinate. Make certain they take him prisoner. He must stand trial or we shall have chaos. Do you understand?"
"Yes, sir, requesting permission to use a cargo ship."
"Use it only cloaked. Is that understood?"
"Yes, but what do you want me to do with Dr. Jackson?"
"You may need him to convince O'Neill to come with you without fighting. Keep him on the tel'tac until you ring him down." Teal'c pressed some icons. "Keep me informed." He disengaged then summoned the commander of the Jaffa Base in question. After the commander acknowledge, Teal'c took a break. The next problem would be the trial.
Tok'ra Base
Major Samantha Carter appeared through the Stargate on the latest secret Tok'ra base. Her father, Jacob Carter, met her to be her escort.
"Hey kiddo," Jacob greeted her and gave her a kiss.
"Good to see you, Dad. Hi Selmak."
Jacob's symbiote took over with a flash of his eyes. "Greetings Samantha. We have to hurry. Our transport has been waiting."
"We have a package we think they'll accept." Sam reported. "I'm hoping he isn't so far gone he can't come back."
"Let's not keep the Nox waiting then."
Sources: imdb Apologies to "Support Your Local Sheriff" and James Garner...LOL. Love him in westerns. Just playing with it for fun not profit.
