I don't own victorious
Dear Diary,
I'm not doing good once again. As I type this I am dizzy. Last year, some time I started taking water pills and laxatives. I would never take them together and I would maybe take them once a month or maybe every other month, so not a lot. As of right now I've been taking them together and at least 2 through 3 times every month this year so far. I can see I'm getting worse with that, but it feels like I need to do that every time I notice I gain a pound or two. Once I see that weight go down on that scale I feel better…. But only for a few moments, than I get really depressed about my weight again and feel like doing it again.
I haven't been myself lately. I swear my depression is getting worse. I cry almost every night now! Sometimes over nothing, but most of the time its because I feel so alone, depressed, and over think everything when it comes to what I ate that day. I've been wanting to isolate almost every day now too. Even right now I want to crawl into a ball and die!
I have a goal weight that I want to get to but my friends say it's too low. I just want to look good and right now I believe I look horrible! It doesn't help that my dad reminds me that I am "fat and will never get a boyfriend because of it". After he told me that I called my friend crying. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I'm convinced I'll never get a boyfriend and I'm convinced I'll always be looked at as being fat!
I try to act strong but I know I am slowing breaking! I don't know how much more I can take some days. I try my best handling being stressed but I notice whenever it becomes unbearable for me that's when I go downhill fast! I will never know how I pull myself out of going even further downhill till there's no coming back every single time!
