Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order: SVU

A/N: A lot of emotions coming. I hate doing this to these characters, but I think it's important to be realistic in reflecting a lot of the problems that couples face, including the loss of a child. Plus Olivia and Alex are strong as individuals and as a couple – I promise you all that they will get through this and happier times will come soon! Feedback is always welcome including ideas about where you would like to see the story go. I'll try to incorporate them so long as they fit the plot map!

Thank you so much to all of those who have been following this story, especially those of you who have taken the time to review. It really means a lot!

Shoutout to the most recent reviewers: trace619, Akalittlered2, SilentDaughter, Hope03, chloeabbyalex, peterpeter, and "guests". Be sure to check out everyone's stories that they've written!

Chapter 28

When Alex's eyes fluttered open, all she saw at first was light. Blinding fluorescent light. She blinked several times to adjust her eyesight, which remained blurry in the absence of her glasses. Still groggy, she slowly recollected that she was in the hospital. Dr. Gil had started her on medication for preeclampsia. She had fallen asleep.

As Alex was trying to recollect what was happening, she caught sight of the outline of her wife, who was sitting looking out the window of the hospital room.

"Liv?" the blonde called out hoarsely, her throat and lips chapped and dehydrated.

The detective jumped, clearly startled. She eased very slightly when she realized it was her wife calling out her name. "Thank God," Alex heard the brunette whisper softly as she quickly came over to Alex's bedside. "Thank God you're okay."

"My glasses?" Alex requested. She tried to move but stopped as a sudden jolt of pain coursed through her abdomen. Furrowing her brow in confusion, she waiting until Olivia handed the black frames to her. With her glasses on, Alex was finally able to see the detective's face. On top of the dark bags that had formed underneath them, Olivia's eyes were red and swollen, the surrounding skin splotchy and wet. She had clearly been crying. Alex leaned into her touch as the brunette gently caressed her face. After a few moments of comfort, she pierced the heavy silent ear with a question, "What happened?"

Olivia's already wearied face became crestfallen, and she looked down, unable to meet Alex's gaze. The blonde felt her own nervousness brewing with her wife's atypical reaction. "Your blood pressure – uh – your blood pressure was too high, Alex. It got up to 200/135. They were scared you would stroke… or have a heart attack." Olivia took a deep breath to try to brace herself as tears started to flood down her face. "You had a seizure and were unconscious," she continued to explain, voice cracking, "They took you to the OR –"

"What about the baby," Alex interrupted. "Are they okay?" she asked, hands instinctually reaching down to her blanket-covered belly, which still maintained a small curve of a bump.

Olivia moved to speak, fighting almost futilely against her sobs, trying to stay strong for her wife. "They- they had to deliver the baby, Al."

Alex observed her wife in confusion, reaching out and holding her hand to comfort her. "Okay. So they're in the NICU? Can a nurse bring me to see them? Please, Olivia?"

Olivia looked up and met Alex's hopeful blue eyes before turning her head back down in shame. She realized her wife thought the baby had made it. Didn't yet grasp that her decision to have the baby delivered had been a decision to terminate.

"Al- " Olivia said hoarsely, so quietly that the blonde had to strain to hear her. "Alex, the baby didn't make it."

Alex's entire world froze. Her hand clamped down on Olivia's, nails begging to pierce the olive skin beneath them. Shaking, she began to chant "No, no, no, no, no." This couldn't be happening. Their baby couldn't be gone. Just hours ago she had felt them fluttering in her belly. The baby couldn't just be gone like that. Gone without a goodbye.

"Olivia." She cried out. "Olivia, please. Where is our baby?"

The brunette looked shell-shocked, almost frozen. Slowly she lifted herself from where she had been crouching next to Alex's bedside and walked across the room to a small basinet – Alex hadn't even noticed it until now. She turned around a moment later cradling a small bundle of swaddling clothes in her arms. Tears continued to run down the detective's cheeks as she returned to Alex's bedside. "Our son," she introduced softly, tilting the bundle so Alex could see. The room was silent as Alex observed the small baby, who was only slightly larger than Olivia's palm. His skin was purplish red and taunt over an underdeveloped frame and his eyes were closed as though he was peacefully sleeping. The nurses had placed a tiny blue knit cap on his head. He was beautiful.

Alex's mouth gaped open as she tried to absorb the fact that this was their son and that he was gone. She looked up at Olivia, who was crying silently, holding the baby as though he was the most precious treasure. Alex held out her arms, willing her to pass her their child. With the bundle finally in her arms, the blonde tentatively brushed the tip of her pinky finger against their son's cheek. He was cold.

It was at that moment that Alex broke down into violent sobs. Sobbing for their son. Sobbing for their loss. Sobbing for how she had failed to protect him. She felt Olivia wrap her strong arms around her frame, holding her tightly as she too cried, the salt of their tears running down their faces and stinging Alex's chapped lips.

Time seemed suspended as Olivia and Alex sat mourning their little boy, but eventually their sobbing ceased, both women wearied and spent. Alex continued to hold the baby, rocking him gently in her arms. "Was he born alive," she finally rasped, her eyes never leaving his face.

Olivia nodded. "He lived for three minutes after he was born."

"Was he- was he alone when it happened?"

"I was holding him. Telling him how much we love him."

Alex nodded soberly, relieved that her son's final moments had been those of lovingness and comfort. "What- what happened?" she whispered.

"After you had the seizure, you were in a hypertensive crisis. The uh, the nurses rushed you out of the room to the OR. Dr. Gil – Dr. Gil found me and she explained that you would have a stroke or a heart attack if they didn't deliver the baby. She asked for my consent to – "

Alex stiffened. "Your consent? Your consent to deliver the baby?"

Olivia nodded.

"So you did this? You told them to deliver him. To deliver him when he didn't stand a chance," she asked, the questions laced with the hurt of betrayal.

"Alex, I didn't have a ch-"

"You promised me Olivia! You promised me that no matter what you would save him. You fucking promised!" Alex screamed in rage.

"Al- " the brunette tried, reaching out to touch her.

"No!" she shot back angrily between sobs, slapping her hand away. "Get out, Olivia! Just… just leave!"

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Olivia was shaking when she walked out of the hospital doors. Robotically, she reached into her leather jacket and grabbed her car keys only to remember that both hers and Alex's vehicles were still parked at their offices. Catching the eye of a nearby cabbie, she hopped into the vehicle.

"Where can I take you tonight, ma'am?" the driver asked, starting the engine to the vehicle.

Olivia froze. She hadn't thought that far. Did she just go home? No, Mia. She needed to see Mia right now. She needed to see her daughter.

"125 80th Street, Queens" Olivia replied before looking back one last time at New York Presbyterian. Considering one last time whether or not she should actually leave…

The humming of the engine startled her back into her body, and the cab whipped out of the drive way.

"Getting a bit chilly out," the cabbie mused, driving to strike up a conversation. It was getting cold. Bitter even.

"Mhmm," Olivia responded absentmindedly, lost in her own thoughts.

"Queens is quite a ways away."

"Yeah, um, I have to pick up my daughter. She's staying with a friend."

"Ah, I see," the cab driver said with a smile. "My daughter's all grown up now. 32. Married. She's got two little one's – a girl and a boy. Perfect little family."

Olivia forced a polite smile before turning back towards the window, quietly allowing her tears to fall.

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"Ms. Cabot-Benson?" A gentle voice pulled Alex's attention away from where it had been fixed for the past twenty minutes. Looking up from her son, she was met with the kind face of an older woman dressed in a sweater and slacks. "My name is Fiona. I'm a social worker. How are you feeling, dear?" the older woman asked.

Alex let out a harsh chortle. 'How does she think I feel?' she thought to herself bitterly. Reconsidering, however, she realized none of this was the woman's fault. "I'm sorry."

Fiona gave her a sympathetic smile, placing a comforting hand on her blanket-covered leg. "It's okay, dear. Times like this don't warrant logic."

Alex pursed her lips before looking down at the baby again, the discomfort of the situation settling in. It had been one thing when it was just her and her son alone. Or the two of them and Olivia. Now she felt as though she and her grief were on display.

Fiona, however, was clearly well-versed in these kinds of situations, and continued on smoothly. "Your son is very beautiful. Does he have a name?"

Alex frowned and shook her head. "We didn't have a chance to… There wasn't…" she trailed off.

Fiona nodded in understanding. "I saw in your file that you have a partner, Olivia. Is she here with you, Alex?"

Again, Alex gaped for words – something the loquacious attorney was not used to. "I- I um. I told her to leave…" she said before looking down at the blankets shamefully.

"Alex," Fiona started, placing her hand on top of the younger woman's, "Losing a child is an unbearable pain. It's an experience that no one can understand. Even with other parents who have lost children – every experience is unique and different. But Olivia, she's the person who will most be able to understand what you are going through – the anger, the sadness, the guilt. You brought this beautiful boy into the world as a couple, and now you have to mourn him together as well."

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Olivia paid the cabbie his fair and a generous tip before she headed up the walk to the Stabler's house and knocked on the door. She could here the padding of feet all over the house and she looked down at her watch. It was almost 3. The kids would have just gotten home from school.

Suddenly, the door swung open and Lizzie stood in front of her. "Auntie Liv," she greeted cheerfully. She then seemed to remember the situation and sobered. "How is Aunt Alex?"

"Hey, sweetheart," Olivia greeted, stepping into the house and placing a kiss on the girl's head. "She's doing better."

"What about the baby," Dickie called out from a nearby couch where he was working on his homework and eating a snack.

Olivia froze. Thankfully, Kathy entered the room and interceded. "Dickie, Lizzie, please take your homework and snack upstairs to your rooms. Dad, Olivia, and I have to have a chat," she instructed.

"I'm not allowed to have room upstairs," DIckie wavered, teetering back and forth on his feet as he looked at his mom suspiciously.

"It's okay this time, Dickie," Kathy replied, trying to seem as nonchalant as possible. "Now head on up you two. I'll call you when it's time for dinner."

"And before Auntie Liv leaves?"

"Yes, and before she leaves."

As the twins scurried upstairs, Kathy sighed and her face filled with concern. "How are you, Liv? How is Alex?"

Olivia inhaled heavily. "Ah, she's okay. You know… I just wanted to see Mia," she added simply, not wanting to get into the details with her partner's wife.

Kathy nodded understandingly. "She's napping in our room."

Walking down the hall, Olivia quietly pushed open the door to Elliot and Kathy's bedroom. Mia was fast asleep in Eli's playpen, blonde hair mussed and tousled, thumb in her mouth. Olivia felt her eyes pooling with tears as she walked over to her daughter and gently rubbed the baby's back. The tears began to fall even faster when she wrinkled her face in her sleep, an expression that she had inherited from Alex.

Engrossed in watching over Mia, Olivia didn't notice that Elliot had entered the room for several minutes and when she felt his presence, she startled. Giving one last look at the sleeping child, she gestured towards the adjoining bathroom so that their voices wouldn't wake the toddler.

Once the door was shut behind them, Elliot took in the totality of his partner's wearied appearance as he patiently waited for her to speak.

Olivia looked down self-consciously. "She told me to leave."

"What?" Elliot asked, trying to hide his astonishment.

Olivia looked up at her partner. "She told me that I promised her that I would save him no matter what and I broke that promise. And that I needed to leave," Olivia said, beginning to whimper.

"Liv-"

At the sound of the address, Olivia began sobbing heavily. "Sh-she's right. I didn't do it. I- I didn't protect him. I- I kill- killed our baby," she heaved as she fell into Elliot's embrace, tears staining the chest of his shirt.

"Olivia. Olivia look at me right now," Elliot demanded sternly. "You did not kill your son. I know that. The doctors know that. You know that. Even Alex knows that."

"Alex said- "

"Alex is grieving. You both are. You just lost your child. But Olivia, this is not your fault. It's not either of your faults. Sometimes things like this just happen."

Olivia looked into Elliot's blue eyes, which were filled with their own tears. "I want to know why," she sobbed out. "I just want to know why."