I'll admit, I went too far. Kissing Gold like that, just after he'd told me he was leaving me- for Crystal, no doubt. I hadn't been myself lately. I hadn't been thinking straight. Early in the morning, as Gold was leaving for work, I had to bite the insides of my cheeks raw to stop me yelling after him, begging him not to go to work, to her. Why did he want to be with her anyway? Hadn't I showed him I could match her? I could hold his hand, I could kiss him. He didn't have to leave.
I sighed and let my chin fall to my chest. Maybe what Gold wanted was more than just a few poorly-timed kisses. I'd known him for eight years; long enough to know he was different from me. I'd learned to ignore certain urges years ago, thinking them weak and self-indulgent, and I only ever touched myself when it was absolutely necessary. Gold hadn't suffered from such a frame of mind, and now we had reached the age where we were meant to be most sexually active, he was bound to want some form of sexual release.
I wondered if I should have sex with him. Just once. It couldn't be so difficult. All I had to do was switch off the lights, lie down and let him...
I shook my head violently as I entered the Goldenrod Department Store. What was I thinking? I'd already made it clear to Green that I wasn't going to sleep with Gold just to keep him, and I wasn't planning on going back on my word.
Blue smiled obliviously at me when she saw me approaching. To my great dismay, she was engrossed in a conversation with the Magnificent Bastard himself, Green.
"Well hello, Little Miss Sunshine!" he greeted loudly. "What's with the long face?"
I ignored him and fished the book Blue had lent me out of my jacket. "Here," I muttered, handing it back to her roughly. She raised her eyebrows and took it.
"Did you like it?" she asked.
I pulled a face. "No," I snorted. In truth, I hadn't finished it. It had gotten to the point where it was just embarrassing to read. It was too girly, too fluffy, too weak and gushing.
Blue shrugged and started the skim through it. Green grinned and leaned in, reading over her shoulder. He widened his eyes dramatically. "You read this stuff often, Ginge?"
I felt my face turn red. "What do you think?" I snapped.
"Oh, you don't want to know what I think," Green teased. "I was considering giving up on you, but now..." He reached out to touch my cheek, and I ducked under his arm and started unlocking the gate to behind the counter.
"Not going to happen. Not ever," I said stonily, and he burst out laughing.
"You thought I was serious!" he said. I glared at him, and he smiled sweetly back at me. "Aww, did I disappoint you?"
"You wish," I snarled. "I wouldn't waste my time on you."
"What, you're saying you want your first time to be 'special'?" Green asking, cocking an eyebrow. "That's so cute!"
"Fuck off and die, Green," I snapped, feeling the burning sensation in my face reach my ears.
"Hey, hey!" Blue cried, holding her hands up between Green and I. "Can't you two at least try to get along? Silver, I've told you a million times, you can't swear like that at work. And Green, I know it'll be difficult for you, but- stop being such a jerk!"
Green clasped his chest. "It hurts to hear you say that, babe," he said, gazing at her forlornly. She frowned back- for about a second, before starting to giggle.
"On your bike, Green!" she said, swiping at him. "Go on, get lost, before Sarah finds you here."
"Parting is such sweet sorrow," Green quoted dramatically as he dragged himself away. He blew a kiss aimed at Blue before heading up the stairs. She shook her head, sighing.
"That idiot! Hey Silver, is the till full? We're opening in fifteen minutes, and I don't want a repeat of yesterday."
"Yeah, it's fine," I muttered, and she rolled her eyes.
"You didn't even check!" she said, pushing past me and entering the key number into the till. "You've been acting weird lately- well, weirder. You've barely said a word to me. Has something happened? Aside from the obvious?" She raised her eyebrows at my bruised face.
I shook my head. "It's nothing," I told her, sweeping my hair back and securing it with an elastic band. I was pleased to see that it was finally long enough to fit in a ponytail again. "She's leaving me."
"Oh," Blue said, nodding absent-mindedly. Then she looked at me with a start. "What? Who is?"
"My girlfriend," I said blandly, not looking at her. "She's found someone else."
Blue crept up beside me and put her hand on my shoulder. I didn't have the strength to shrug her off. "Are you sure?" she asked quietly.
"She didn't say it like that- said something about having some time to ourselves- but that's what it is. I know it," I said.
Blue took a deep breath. "You don't know that. It could just be that she needs a break..."
I couldn't stand her trying to make me feel better. I didn't need her pity. "Shut up, Blue," I snapped, and she took a step back, shocked. I was shocked too. I'd known Blue for a long time, and not once had I ever raised my voice at her.
"You don't understand anything. It's been going on for months. She's always making excuses to go out. S-she doesn't want to be with me. The other I-I asked her to stay and he didn't. He went off with her. A-And I know I should leave him, but I can't, and he's making a fool of me and I don't know what to do!" I clamped my hands over my mouth before I could say any more. My voice had been getting louder and higher, and if I had carried on, I was sure I would have lost it.
Blue looked at me sadly. "Silver," she said hesitantly. "Why don't you just... tell Gold you love him?"
I froze. I turned my eyes to her, horrified, and she bit her lip.
"It is Gold, isn't it? Please tell me I haven't been wrong all this time."
I was going to deny it, but I figured my expression had already given me away. I looked around before turned back to her and saying in a hushed voice, "How long have you known?"
"I had a hunch," she admitted sheepishly. "I mean, he's the only person I ever really see you with; he's short with black hair, like you said your girlfriend was; and the way you flip whenever Green called you gay was pretty suspicious, if you don't mind me saying. And... you did say 'he' just then." She licked her lips nervously before continuing. "You didn't seem all that thrilled to see Crystal when she came here a while ago. Gold works with Crystal, right? Is she... the person Gold is leaving you for?"
I lowered my eyes, my face burning with shame and humiliation. I should never have shared the contents of my love-life with Blue. If she knew, how many other people did? It suddenly felt like everyone in the city was laughing at me.
"Yeah, she is," I muttered. I was hit with the urge to redeem myself somehow. It was different now we were talking about Gold and Crystal, and not my imaginary representations of them. I was really the loser in the love triangle, and no matter how true that was I didn't want Blue or anyone else to know that. I turned my back on her. "Whatever. I don't care. He can do whatever he wants."
"Silver!" Blue sighed loudly. "You always do this. You pretend you don't care when it's so obvious you do. Just tell him you love him. What have you got to lose?"
Only my pride, dignity and everything else.
"You do love him, don't you?" Blue asked uncertainly.
I didn't know how to answer that, so I just hung my head and said nothing. Blue groaned.
"Oh God, Silver," she murmured, shaking her head at me. "Why can't you just say it? Haven't you even considered that you might be hurting Gold by holding yourself back like this?"
"You wouldn't understand." I sounded horribly childish and sulky, but I didn't care.
"I understand enough. You're scared, aren't you," Blue stated quietly. "You're scared to open up because you can't get over the past. You judge everyone and everything based on what happened to you and your parents. For goodness sake, why can't you accept that not everyone is like that?"
"Because everyone is like that, okay?" I snapped, whirling round to face her properly. "People lie, they only think of themselves, people are weak." I paused as I realised something. "And I'm not any better. I'm not any different! I might think I l... l-like Gold now, but after a while I'll work out that it was all some stupid trick of the mind- just like he has."
"So you're telling me that you want to go all the way back to where you were a few years ago?" Blue asked. She was speaking softly now, more slowly. "That boy who didn't need anyone, who could take care of himself, who would never let himself show any weakness? That lost little boy who hated everyone and who everyone hated, who would get into fights and then cry in his sleep at night?"
"I did not cry," I hissed.
Blue looked at me hard. "Yes you did," she whispered.
I turned away from her briskly as the overhead speakers announced that Goldenrod Department Store was now open for business. Blue didn't say any more. I think she'd realised that she had crossed the line. She had no right to make me question the rules I had been living by all my life. It was ridiculous- and easy for her to say. She had it all from the start. Parents who would cook for her and stick a bandage on her knee if she fell over, a big brother who would look out for her at school, clothes that weren't fished out of the bargain bin at a charity shop, presents on her birthday and at Christmas. I didn't get any of that.
I was an angry little kid. My mother didn't know how to control me, and the old man never even tried. He was fond of telling me, after heated arguments, how they'd never meant to have me. I suppose I couldn't blame him. I was an ugly, scrawny, scabby thing and was forever getting into fights- the number of times I was excluded from school for violent behaviour was impossible to count.
Blue was my neighbour at the time. She was sweet, smiley, perfection itself. Like one of those kids in a toothpaste ad. She would come and play with me sometimes, when I was young enough to still be frightened by my parents' rows. I liked her- she was like a big sister to me. But a part of me hated her too. I hated her for how everything was handed to her on a plate, no questions asked. I asked for Gameboy for my birthday and had the bedroom door slammed in my face. Sometimes Mom would stick up for me, but sometimes she would shake her head and say 'you really do ask for it, sweetheart'.
Then the old man's business started going down the drain. He and Mom argued more than ever. I was too young and stupid to figure out that he didn't really sell cars for a living, but Mom certainly wasn't. She worked it all out. I remember finding her collapsed in a heap on the bathroom floor, tears sliding down her cheeks and her ladies' razor blade in her hand. I was nine years old. I thought she'd cut herself shaving and that was the reason she was crying. I took the blade from her hand and wiped the tears from her face. Then I got the toilet roll and wrapped the long ribbon of sheets round and round her bleeding arms. Then I hugged her and told her everything was going to be okay. And not once did she say a word.
The following month, I turned ten. Mom made a big effort for my birthday. I didn't have any friends she could invite for me, but Blue and her parents and brother showed up for a while. Mom slapped a fresh layer of make-up on her greying, tear-stained face and put on a big smile for all to see. She laughed and joked and handed round snacks while Blue and I played in our overgrown garden, quickly changing the subject when anyone asked where her husband was. I started to think that everything really would be okay.
That night, as I settled down to sleep, Mom came into my room to give me a hug. I sat up obediently and let her hold me tightly against her as she kissed the top of my head and told me she loved me. Then she walked out and closed he door behind her, trying desperately to force back a sob. That was the last time I ever saw her.
The old man rarely left his office after that. I had to get up at six in the morning in order to get dressed and get to school on time, because Mom had taken the car and Dad wouldn't have driven me there anyway. The washing machine was broken, and he wouldn't give me money for the dry cleaners, so I cleaned our clothes in the bath with soap and water. I would cook for both of us, and leave his dinner on the floor outside his closed door before I headed downstairs to eat alone. Blue's family helped me out at first, but then they moved away and though they left me their new address should I need anything, my pride never let me call.
I never complained. It wasn't in my nature to complain. But I was angry, and each day that anger grew. I started to hate my mother. Not for leaving, but for not taking me with her. Dad never loved me- I was a thorn in his side and he wasn't even trying to hide it- but I had thought Mom cared, even just a little bit. I had trusted her. For a long time, I felt sure she would come back for me. But she didn't, and that was when I knew that she had never really loved me. Not enough to save me.
She hurt the old man too, though I didn't see why I should care. The house fell into disrepair, leaking and stinking of mould, but he refused to move. I think he was waiting for her to come back to him, even after he had pushed her away with his stubbornness and weakness.
I was eleven and a half when I finally snapped. I was making breakfast- bacon and eggs, a special treat- when my dad decided to show his face outside of his room for the first time in months. I was so surprised that my hand slipped and I knocked the pan off the cooker. I stupidly tried to grab it before it hit the floor, and ended up burning my hand. I yelped and swore, and my breakfast ended up strewn across the floor.
It wasn't anything a quick mopping and cold running water wouldn't solve, but Dad lost it. He seized me by the scruff of my neck and practically threw me aside. Then he picked up the pan and banged it down on the counter over and over again, shouting, "Useless, useless, useless!" I sat there on the floor, surrounded by splattered eggs, staring at him. I didn't feel anything. No anger. No hatred. Nothing. It was then that I realised that he wasn't my father any more.
He tried to apologise to me later. He blamed it on Mom, telling me how he trusted her and she betrayed him. It was nothing I didn't know, of course. I wasn't going to let it stop me.
I packed my bags and moved out the next day. The old man followed me into the street, and we had one last argument. Just for old times sake, I thought bitterly. He told me I didn't understand. Of course I didn't. I was eleven.
Just before I left, he told me something, and it was the one useful thing he ever told me. "Take care of yourself, Silver. Because you can bet no-one else will."
It was the last thing he ever said to me, and I clung to it. It made me strong. I couldn't form emotional bonds, because that risked the chance of letting others in and becoming weak. Except I had. And I was.
I jumped as I was brought out of my daze by Blue's cold hand on my arm.
"You're not like him," she said.
I was so surprised by this outburst that I laughed sharply. "You don't know that," I told her.
"Yes I do," she insisted, pulling back her hair and putting on her apron ready to serve. "If you were, you wouldn't be working in a shop."
I had to smile a little at that. "So," I said, sighing. "What do you think I should do?"
"I told you, didn't I? Tell him how you feel. Talk things over. Even if he tells you something you don't want to hear, you need to know," she said. "Tell you what. After work, you go home, make him dinner or something. Then you go meet him at the cafe- don't look at me like that, it'll show him that you care! And then you can talk things over as you walk back, and when you get home you can reheat your dinner and eat together. How does that sound?"
It's sounded so unbearably mushy and romantic that I felt myself blushing at just the thought of it. I shook my head.
"I can't."
"You can!" Blue pushed me lightly. "That's another thing. You have to get over this. You're a couple, so you shouldn't be embarrassed to do things that couples do!"
"We are not a couple, so shut up," I muttered- but I wasn't really angry any more.
"Go on," she urged, nudging me playfully. "You know you want to!"
I was fairly certain that I didn't want to- but even as I thought it, the whole scene starting playing itself out in my head. I'd go to meet him, he'd be surprised but pleased, and that would give me the confidence to, after a bit of fumbling, ask him outright about his relationship with Crystal. He'd just laugh light-heartedly and tell me that I'd got it all wrong, that he wasn't involved with Crystal, that he loved me and only me. Then when we got home we'd have dinner together and watch whatever trashy film was on the TV. He'd lean on me, and I'd yawn and put my arm around him, casually, so that he'd barely notice. He'd kiss me and say 'I love you'. And I would reply with something along the lines of 'Whatever. I guess I kind of like you too, moron'. Then we'd fall asleep together and wouldn't wake up until the afternoon the next day.
It was too cliché, too easy, too perfect for it to ever work out. But the more I thought about it, the more desperate I was for it all to happen. So when work was over, and I was walking home in the sweltering heat, I automatically made a fleeting visit to the grocery store as I passed to pick up all the ingredients I needed for king prawn rice. I didn't have much experience in cooking Chinese food, but I did my best, carefully revising all I remembered from the last time I had it. Considering the limited time I had, and the fact that my stomach was turning somersaults, I think I did pretty well.
It wasn't a difficult walk to Olivine, but by the time I got there I was breathing hard. My heart was pounding. My insides were twisting and making me feel light and dizzy. I tried my best to stop shaking, but I couldn't cease the trembling in my hands.
But I wasn't going to turn away. Not this time. Blue was right, I had to do this. Gold was as far away from me now as he'd ever be. What did I have to lose?
I did my best to keep my stride even and casual as I turned the corner onto the street where Olivine Cafe was. Holding my head up high, I took several deep, refreshing breaths. I had to calm down. I couldn't go in there a nervous wreck.
I was less than twenty feet away from the entrance of the cafe. I could see, through the big window at the front, the final customers paying for their meals and leaving. Gold and Crystal were there, talking to what looked like their boss and grinning. His hand was around her waist, his hand on her hip. She had her arm around his shoulders and her cheek resting against his shoulder.
I stopped in my tracks.
The reflection of the setting sun off the window, made it difficult to see, but what happened next was impossible to miss.
Her lips, on his cheek.
His head turning to face her.
His lips. Her lips. Together. Kissing.
And just like that, my stupid little fantasy was ripped to shreds right in front of my eyes. For a moment, my heart stopped, and was only started again when a passer-by bumped into my shoulder and told me to watch where I was going. I couldn't reply.
Then, slowly, calmly, I turned and walked back the way I had came.
And then I ran.
–
I really don't know what to say! I've been looking forward to writing this chapter for so long. Sorry to end on such a cliffhanger, but it's the way it has to be! Don't worry, all will be explained.
I know, I know, I'm being really mean to Silver here. But seeing him suffer is like a drug to me- it's so addictive! I really wanted to tear him apart this chapter (hence the ending), as well as expand more on his past. At least I got to give a few reasons as to why he turned out so screwed up.
To be honest, I wasn't all too sure about how to portray Silver's relationship with his father. Apparently, in the manga Giovanni really loved him, but in the game he didn't seem to care at all and was able to run off and leave his pre-teen son all alone without a second thought. I decided to expand on the second option, seeing as it seemed to fit in with the context and what I've hinted at so far- though I do think Giovanni loved Silver, in his own strange way...
I'm very impatient to complete the next chapter, so even though I have exams coming up, expect to see more soon!
