CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

THE MUTIE MR. CROTCH

Hermione received hate mail.

You are an ugly bitch. Harry Potter deserves better than a lesbian. Go back where you came from dyke.

"'Harry Potter is not a faggot...'" said Hermione. "'You should get sex reassignment surgery...' Fuck!"

She had opened an envelope, and white-hot liquid smelling strongly of jizz gushed over her face.

"Fresh thestral semen!" said Ron, sniffing the envelope.

He read a letter: "'It's your fault Harry Potter is a fag and that gay boy has been through enough shit and I will be sending you a bomb as soon as I join ISIS.'"

Harry, Ron, and Hermione left for Care of Magical Creatures.

"I got some o' those letters," said Hagrid. "'Yeh're a mutie an' yeh should be put down.' 'Kill yourself.'"

The lesson was nifflers.

"I didn't know the leprechaun gold you paid me for my Scraperoculars at the Quidditch World Cup disappeared," said Harry.

"You got me," Ron said.

"Fuck you!" said Harry.

Ron said, "I hate being poor as shit."

Howlers shrieked death threats at Hermione. Hermione denied that Harry was her boyfriend.

Harry walked down to the Quidditch stadium.

Fleur glared at Harry.

"The third task's a maze," said Ludo Bagman. "The first champion to touch the Triwizard Cup without his or her shit pushed in will win."

Krum had a word with Harry.

"Hermy-own-ninny," he said, "are you hitting that?"

"Yeah," said Harry, "we're friends with benefits."

"You haff never … you haff not …"

"I have," said Harry.

Mr. Crouch staggered out from behind a tree.

He appeared to be hallucinating.

Harry went to get Dumbledore.

Mr. Crouch had raped Krum.

Hagrid fetched Karkaroff.

"Man," Karkaroff bellowed, "this is some ol' bullshit!"

Karkaroff wiped his finger under his gooch and held it under Dumbledore's nose. Hagrid punched Karkaroff's shit in.

Karkaroff seemed to be unconscious.

Hagrid escorted Harry back up to the castle.

"Krauts are not ter be trusted," said Hagrid.