Day 28: Nightmares

Han woke to a scream for the second night in a row, and he immediately opened his eyes. "Leia?"

No response. She was next to him, but she was shaking, and appeared to still be asleep. "Leia!" he yelled, gently shaking her, but she still didn't wake. "Leia, please, wake up! It's just a dream!"

Finally, the young woman woke, her eyes jumping open, but she continued to shiver. When Han moved to pull her into an embrace she moved away, as if afraid of his touch. "Leia, it's ok, it's me."

"No" she finally whispered, "Stay away from me. I'm going to hurt you! It's all my fault!" she cried out, her voice getting louder with each word.

"Leia, what are you talking about? Nothing's going to hurt me, especially you. It was just a nightmare…"

Suddenly, her attitude changed and she let out a cry, moving quickly against him, and his arms instantly moved around her, holding her against his body as she cried.

After a few minutes of sitting in an awkward position against each other he leaned against the wall and moved her lightly into his lap. He pulled the blanket around them both and then rested his cheek against the top of her head. "Everything's ok Sweetheart" he whispered. "Everything's ok."


Later that morning, Han made his way into the cockpit to talk with Chewie. After Leia's nightmare that morning, he had calmed her down until she was breathing normally, and soon enough they were both asleep. Eventually, he got up and found them a light breakfast, which he broke code of rations to bring something a little more substantial.

After eating the toast and fruit he had found for breakfast, Leia decided she wanted to try and sleep a little more. He took a shower and found her sleeping soundly when he returned to the cabin, so he went to talk with his co-pilot.

[Cub, what are you doing here so early?]

"I wanted to talk with you about Leia" he answered, sitting down in his chair.

[What did you do now?]

"Why do you always assume it's something I did?" he asked angrily.

[Because it normally is something you did Cub.]

"Well, it's not something I did. I'm worried about her though."

[Would this have anything to do with the screaming that woke me up this morning?]

"It woke you up too?" he asked, rubbing his eyes lightly.

[Yes, it did. I assume it was the Princess?]

Han sighed, "Yeah, it was."

[What happened?]

"Well, all I know is I was asleep, and then I woke to her screaming. She was shaking something fierce, and was still asleep, so I tried to wake her up, and when she finally did, she just said that I should stay away from her."

[Perhaps her nightmare was about you?]

"Yeah, but it was like she was going to be the one to hurt me. I don't know, but if this involves me, I feel like I should know."

[You should, but don't intervene too much. If she needs you, she will come, and she will tell you in time, but until then, just comfort her when she needs it.]

"Alright, I just…I don't like seeing her like this Chewie" Han admitted, sighing as he ran a hand through his hair.

[I know Cub, and I don't enjoy it either, but everyone has problems, and what she really needs is someone to be there for her.]

"I just wish I could make it stop."

[If there was a way to stop it, I am sure you would do it.]

"Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of…"


Journal of the Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan

14th Day, 5th Month, 3902nd Year

I feel terrible.

I had another nightmare last night, and I certainly didn't get much sleep because of it.

Similar to the last nightmare, there were screams…terrifying screams…Han's screams. He was on a scan grid, which is was similar to my torture on the death star, just more painful. And the worst part was that I was there…standing there, just watching him, but at the same time, I wasn't. I was looking at myself, as if from the eyes of some other person. My other self was standing next to Vader, and unlike my normal clothing, I was dressed in total black with my hair pulled back in a tight bun. I looked nothing like myself, but I knew that was me. And I yelled, told myself to stop, to think about what I was doing, but I didn't listen…I laughed. A terrible laugh, one that reminded me of all the evil in the Universe.

And then I was awake, and Han was there, ready with his arms open. He wasn't being tortured, he wasn't screaming, he was just worried…worried about me. His face was full of terror as I told him to stay away, but no matter what I said, he still opened his arms, let me fall against him and cry, wish that the nightmare would never come back…even though I know it will.

We must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I know he was back with breakfast, but all I wanted to do was tell him what had happened, have him reassure me that everything was ok, but I couldn't find the words. I couldn't tell him what had happened, but still he was there, making sure I was alright. He's always been there for me like that…whenever I had a nightmare, when I was worrying about Alderaan, or even during the times I was just at rock bottom, he's always been there.

And now the only thing I'm afraid of, the only thing in this entire galaxy, is of losing him.


Han ran a hand through his hair as the cockpit door slid open, and as he began to walk out, he ran into Leia.

"Han" she said quickly, looking away.

"Leia" he returned.

"Is Chewie in there? I was just coming to…"

"Yeah, he's in there." He looked at her for a moment, but then stood aside, and began walking back towards the main hold, "I'll let you go talk with him then."

"Thanks" she said, moving past him, her hand hovering over the switch to open the door.

"Hey Leia?" Han asked, turning around and facing her, "Are you…are you ok?"

Leia turned towards him, sighing, tears in her eyes. "No" she whispered quietly, her eyes searching his.

Han wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close against him, a hand silently stroking her hair, "It's ok Sweetheart, everything's ok."

"No! It's not ok!" she cried against his chest. "We can't do this…I'm just going to hurt you."

"Hey" he said, rubbing circles on her back slowly, "You're not going to hurt me. Nothing is, I'll make sure of it."

"Han, there's a time when you won't be right anymore" she said, pulling away from him and looking back into his eyes.

"I know, but I'm worried about you! It's not normal to wake up every morning from a nightmare!"

"It's normal for me Han!"

"Since when?"

"I don't know, maybe since Alderaan, since the Death Star?" Han opened his mouth, but for once, was silent, as Leia stared at him, and with a groan he quickly walked back down the hall and slipped into the cabin.

Han turned as he heard the door behind him slide open. [That was the Princess again?]

"Yeah, and I think this time I really screwed up." Han sighed, but in a burst of anger, hit the wall with his fist with a grunt. "Everytime I try to help I just end up making it worse!"

[Calm down Cub] said the Wookiee.

"How can I calm down? Everything I say or do for her seems wrong!"

[You have to understand she's upset. She appreciates everything you do for her, but you need to give her time. She's not going to tell you straight out.]

"But everytime I ask, she yells at me!"

[Cub, we just went through this.]

"I know" he sighed.

[The only way to fix this is to talk to her.]

"What, and make her all angry again?"

[No. I believe she will tell you eventually, you just need to be patient.]

Han sighed again. "Alright Pal, I'll go…I'll go talk to her."

[I'll be here if you need me.]


Leia was curled up on the bunk, tears running from her eyes, when she heard a knock at the door.

"Go away" she yelled, barely lifting her head.

"Leia, please, I just want to make sure you're ok" came Han's voice from the other side of the door.

"I'm fine, just leave me alone!" When there was no response, she just let her head fall back against the pillow.

The door opened, "It doesn't sound like you're fine Sweetheart" he said.

"I thought I told you to go away."

"You did, but when have I ever listened to direction?" he asked. She felt him sit down on the bed next to him, and his hand began to lightly rub her back.

"What do you want Han?"

"I want to make sure you're ok." No response. "Leia?"

"I'm not ok. I never was, and I never will be" she cried.

"Come here" Han said, lightly picking her up and placing her in his lap. He wrapped his arms around her lightly and rocked her back and forth. "Is this a little better?"

"Yes" she admitted.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, I don't, at least not right now, I just…I need to calm down."

Han sat rocking her for a moment, silent. "Ok, well I'm always going to be here if you feel like talking about it, but until then, do you want me to tell you a story?"

"A story?" she asked, looking up at him.

"A story. You see Princess, whenever I was upset about something, Dewlanna would hold me, just like this" he said, squeezing her lightly, "and she would tell me a story."

"Did it make you feel better?"

"Most times."

"Sometimes it didn't?" she questioned.

"No, sometimes she would have to go back to work without finishing the story" he laughed, "but I'm not going to do that to you."

"Good" she said, a light smile appearing on her face. "So what story are you going to tell me?"

"How about when we went back to visit Chewie's family and found that he had a son?"

"Alright" she said, closing her eyes and resting her head against Han's chest.

"Well, it all started when we decided to stop on Kashyyyk after a supply run to the corporate sector. The last time we were there was for Chewie's wedding to Malla."

"They didn't see each other for an entire year?" she asked, opened one eye to look at him.

"No" he sighed, "I told Chewie to stay back with his wife, to spend some time at home, but he insisted on coming with me."

"Because of the life-debt."

"Yeah, but anyway, we landed the Falcon a ways away from his home, and then hiked to his house. Malla knew we were coming, and when we got there, Chewie was freaking out. He kept asking me if he looked ok, and how glad he was to see Malla, but what if had changed…"

"Chewie was worried? Just like that?"

"Well, maybe not quite like that" Han laughed, "but he was pretty worried about his appearance."

Leia gave a small laugh and then settled once again against his chest, "What happened next?" she asked, closing her eyes.

"We walked inside and there was Malla, just standing there with a bundle in her arms. She said welcome home, but Chewie looked like he had never seen a baby wookiee before."

"So he just stood there?" she asked.

"Yeah, eyes wide open. It wasn't until I told him congratulations that he moved."

"Was he happy?"

"Very. After he realized what was actually going on he roared with joy. The whole village could hear probably" he said, laughing again at the memory. "I left then, left them to discuss their child…which they named Lumpawarrump. Chewie was so happy, happier than I think I'd ever seen him."

Leia was silent for a moment, but then whispered, "Thank you for telling me that story Han."

"Do you feel better?"

"Yes. You were right again," she answered, sitting up to look at him, "that story helped." She leaned in to kiss him, and he kissed back. Leaning into it, she felt his strong hands move along her back, one once again stopped to rest on the small of her back, the other absent mindedly to her hip. She wound her hands easily into his hair at the back of his head, pulling him closer.

Slowly, he began to slide a thumb underneath her shirt, and just as she had done the night before, she froze and tried to move away, breaking their kiss.

"Leia, wait" he pleaded, moving his hands to her shoulders and tightening his grip.

"Han, please…we shouldn't…let me go…" she said, struggling against him.

"Just listen" he said, looking into her eyes, pleading with her to stay. "I know why you run all the time and…"

"No Han! You don't know!"

"Hey, calm down? What…just a minute ago…"

"I run because I have to. Because if I don't it's just going to hurt you!"

"Leia, we can't keep going like this…where I comfort you and then you get angry at me and run without telling me why."

"I just told you why!"

"No, saying that you're going to hurt me isn't a reason" he said, finally letting go of her shoulders.

"If you...if you get involved with me…"

"What Leia? I need to know what's going on if it involves me."

"I tortured you" she said simply, turning away from him.

"You what? When Sweetheart?" he asked, lightly rubbing her shoulder, hoping that it would calm her as it had done before.

"In…in my nightmare."

"Will you tell me what happened?"

"I don't even know what happened Han. I just…I can't talk about it."

"Hey, it's ok Sweetheart" he continued, wrapping his arms around her again, just like he had done before. "I just need to know what's causing this."

"I don't even know" she cried.

"Have you had dreams like this before?"

"Yes" she admitted, "Lots of them" apparently more willing to discuss previous nightmares than her current ones.

"And were those the same as these?" he asked, carefully probing her for more information.

"No, not exactly. Before it was about Alderaan. Sometimes I was on the Death Star, being the one to destroy it, other times I was on Alderaan, yelling for my family to leave, but they…" she let out another cry, but then took a deep breath. "They wouldn't listen, and then they died."

"So they were all about Alderaan until now?"

"I suppose not" she said, taking a deep breath. "Some were about my torture on the death star."

"Wait, they tortured you?" he asked suddenly. "I knew they made you watch Alderaan, but I had no idea they tortured you."

"I never told anyone, not you or Luke, not even Rieekan" Leia responded, shifting a bit in his lap.

"Why? We could have…"

"There was nothing you could have done Han. What they did to me was over. It was in the past."

"What did they do?"

Leia sighed, "They mostly used an interrogation droid, to ask me questions about the Rebellion, but it didn't work."

"You didn't answer anything?"

"No, but it didn't stop them" she finished, tucking her head against his chest, crying again.

"Leia, I'm so sorry" Han said, holding her in a tight embrace. He lightly kissed her head, "I had no idea."


Log of the Millennium Falcon

5/14/3902

They tortured her?

Why didn't she tell someone? I'm not saying that she should have told me, although based on how much time I spent in her room comforting her, I'd probably be one of the people to know, but still. That's too important, too terrible, for her not to tell anyone.

But maybe that's why she didn't, because it was more terrible than she wanted to imagine, Or possibly because she didn't want to seem weak around those in the Rebellion? I suppose that's possible, although resisting an interrogation droid isn't an easy thing to do.

Yet the thing that bothers me most is that I don't know how to help her. I can't say I've ever been tortured by the Empire, and I hope I never have to go through something like that. But at the same time, I'd gladly step in her place if she was going to be tortured. I never want her to go through something like that again. And if it means that I have to die trying, then that's what will happen.

I'm not in this Rebellion for the money, maybe like I originally was, and I'm not in it for Luke or Chewie anymore either. I'm not in it for the cause, or for the fact that I hate the Empire. I'm in the Rebellion for her now, and I realize that means I can't leave.