Well dudes, another week, another rant. I figured since St. Patrick's Day is coming up, that should be the general theme this time round. There's also the fact that the girl who I (fortunately) haven't mentioned for quite a while, Cookie, is Irish.
So, Saint Patrick's Day. Despite the fact that this is a Christian holiday, it's widely celebrated by a lot of people, even Atheists. I guess, being Jewish, that I sort of celebrate it, but more the Irish side of it. I mean, hey, the guy did teach the Irish about one God rather than the shit-ton of Pagan Gods they had. Really, there isn't much difference between Judaism and Christianity, right? Just Jesus. That's another reason Fatass should stop being such a dick.
Back to Patrick. He was first called Maewyn Sucatt. He changed his name to Patrick because apparently changing your name is a Christian kind of thing. Of course, he's more commonly known as Paddy. It's pretty common for an Irish person to casually talk about 'ol Paddy' like an old friend.
Y'know, I have a pretty good feeling none of you want to hear me go on about religion and whatnot, and also the fact I'm kinda rusty with the whole Christian stuff, so let's just wrap it up quickly.
Ready? I'll try to make it interesting so you actually pay attention and don't fall asleep.
Ok, he was kidnapped by pirates, but not in a badass way, because this is the fifth century for fuck's sake. There's no goddamn parrots or eyepatches. Just a lot of hairy, threatening men with spiked balls and swords who like to yell a lot. No plank-walking either.
So, he got sold to a guy, but not as a young prostitute, as a slave. He got stuck on some mountain/hill thing with some sheep or pigs, and stayed there for about six years. Life sucks when your only friends are fat slobbery pigs who casually shit on the floor. Believe it or not, I was talking about the pigs there, not Cartman. They do share a resemblance though.
Then, he ran away, got on a ship, and somehow got back to Britain. Then, he did some shit, like building churches or something, I don't know. Then, he apparently had a dream, telling him to get his ass back to Ireland to convert the shit out of those people.
And he did. He got his ass back on the boat he struggled so hard to get, to go back to the island he escaped. He told people about God and stuff like that, with a shamrock. That's why Ireland and Shamrocks go hand in hand.
They say he did other stuff, like raise someone from the dead, and chase the snakes out of Ireland. If you have a terrible snake phobia, then head over there, and you'll be safe. Unless you go to a zoo. If you do go to the zoo, don't go to the reptile house. If you have a snake phobia, and you are stupid enough to go in a reptile house and shit yourself, then you deserve to walk around with crap in your pants.
Then, he died, on March 17th. So that's the date sorted out. He was buried in a place called Downpatrick, named after him, because he converted nearly a whole fucking island to Christianity. Give the guy a congratulations for that. A whole goddamn island. Well, the island is probably only the size of Indiana, but hey, the US didn't really exist back then. Maybe it did, I don't know.
So, the whole idea of the holiday is to celebrate how Patrick brought Christianity to Ireland. As I have been told by that-girl-who's-name-I-won't-mention-because-she-sounds-like-an-OC, 's Day is a pretty big deal in Ireland, obviously. Really, the rest of the world use it as more of an excuse to put on terrible Irish accents, dress like obese leprechauns and drink beer, or really just respecting Irish heritage. I guess the reason it's so big in America is because a lot of people have Irish ancestors, most coming around the time of the Great Famine. I read up on this, and basically, the potatoes fucked up, and the Irish were screwed without their potatoes, so shiploads came over here.
One thing I don't get, is how a religious holiday transformed into a Leprechaun drinking fest. Kinda like Oktoberfest, but in March. Marchfest just sounds stupid.
Where the fuck did leprechauns come into the picture? What have leprechauns got to do with Saint Patrick, other than being Irish? Motherfucking leprechauns…I will eternally hate those creatures for being the spark that caused me the trauma of watching a copy of myself suck Cartman's balls. That was disgusting.
When this holiday comes around, all your see is green shamrocks everywhere, as well as a shit ton of hats in the colours of the Irish flag. I mean, fucking hell, you could open a temporary shop that sells only 's hats. There's joker style hats, there's top hats, there's glittery hats, there's cowboy hats, hats with buckles, shamrock boppers, you name it. Then there's the other merchandise. Green temporary hair spray, air horns, silly string, shamrock shades, you get it.
It's like Valentine's Day and Halloween – another holiday that's lost its meaning, covered up with shamrocks and beer.
Now that we've covered that, let's go onto the actual place itself.
Ireland – The emerald isle, an idyllic island of vast countryside and breath-taking sights, with a rich history and deep culture.
That's what a brochure what say, buttering it up so it sounds like the most pleasant little island on Earth. Now, let's hear what a real Irish person has to say.
Ireland – Fields, more fields, sheep, cows, more cows, tractors, and riots. Can't forget those riots now, can we? Oh no, nothing's nicer than some eejit throwing a bomb under your car. Feckin' bastards.
That…sounds real nice. Well, I know nothing about the Irish language, but 'Cookie' happens to be fluent in Irish slang, and has kindly translated some phrases you can use to truly enjoy your St. Patrick's Day like the Irish.
'What de craic' – So, the word craic is pronounced like crack, so be careful, because if you're not in Ireland, or maybe Scotland, England or Wales, people may think you're discussing drugs. It's really the equivalent of 'Whassup' or 'How's it goin?'. In text messages, it's abbreviated to 'wdc'
'The craic was ninety'- This mean's someone had a real good time, and that it couldn't have been any better, because apparently, 90 is the highest. 100 was clearly ignored in this one.
'Lawd' – Pretty much lad, which if you didn't know, means a young boy. I guess I'd sort of fit into that. It's similar to 'dude' or 'bro'.
'Eejit' – As mentioned in the above statement, this pretty much means 'idiot' or 'stupid person'. I'm pretty sure Cartman qualifies as one of those.
'Feck' – Pretty much fuck, but somehow, by changing a letter, the word becomes acceptable to use in front of children. Alternatives are 'fecker' and 'feckin'. If you don't get it, change the 'e' to a 'u' and watch as the word magically transforms.
'Shut your gob' – Nope, this doesn't mean 'close your legs, you slutty hoe'. It means shut your mouth. A nicer way than saying 'Shut the fuck up'. Gob means mouth, pretty much where the word 'Gobstopper' gets its name.
'Spud' – Potato. Alternatives are 'tayter' and 'purtahs'.
So, now you have some genuine words of the beautiful language that is Irish slang. Go tell that to some people and see what happens.
Then of course, there's stereotypes. No country would be complete without a few stereotypes, right? There's the ginger hair thing, as well as the constantly going to the pub to get drunk off your ass one, and the potato-loving one.
Actually, once, in a St. Patrick's Day parade a few years ago, some lady thought I was Irish, because I had red hair and green eyes. That's a pretty fucking stupid stereotype, because according to Cookie (Yeah sorry for mentioning her again), most Irish folk have brown hair, and there isn't that many with red/ginger hair.
Then there's the beer thing. I mean, Ireland does happen to have the famous Guinness, as well as Magners, and are famous around the world for their pubs. As for the potato thing, it's probably because potatoes used to be the main diet, and still are, in Irish homes. It probably has something to do with Irish recipes as well, like Irish stew.
So, if you're doing something this St Paddy's Day, go have fun and do that. But whatever the fuck you do, if you see a leprechaun, don't do something stupid like lure it with Lucky Charms, because for starters, Irish people don't get Lucky Charms, and because if your luck is like mine, you'll probably end up in a really shitty situation.
Now go and do whatever the fuck you want to do, and if you get into shit with a goddamn leprechaun, don't say I didn't warn you.
A/N: Happy St Paddy's day guys! I know other countries celebrate this day too, but I have no idea how. If you do, let me know! I'd love to know how other countries celebrate it!
Now go and do something, like feed your cat, if you have one, and may the luck o' the Irish be with you!
…That was rather fun to say. Type technically.
