I might be leaving soon
Yuki did not see Zero at all the next night. She could sense that he was in his room, but he seemed to have no interest in reassuring her about the strange incident from that morning.
She talked to Kaien but he had very little to relay back to her. Zero had been unwilling to speak about it. "It's been a long time since I've seen him like this," Kaien sighed. "I think you were right... we were overworking him, pushing him too far."
Yuki shook her head because she knew whose fault it was really. She'd been there when it started – she'd been the only other person around. So she was the only one besides Zero who could know who was truly to blame. But she did not need to say any of this for Kaien to know what she was thinking. He placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. "Yuki, no, there is no reason for you to blame yourself. Zero is keeping so much to himself that we cannot know what really happened unless he decides to tell us."
There was no point in arguing with him. They'd had this conversation before and Kaien never wanted to point fingers. That was just how he was. But Yuki knew the truth – she couldn't get it out of her head.
The rest of the week passed and very little seemed to change besides Yuki's growing anxiety. The timing was fortunate for Zero in that Cross Academy's winter break had now arrived and Zero was finally given the chance to get some proper rest. It was unfortunate for Yuki, however, because it meant that Yori had gone home to her family and Yuki was suddenly left feeling very lonely indeed.
Zero kept to his room as much as possible. For all Yuki knew, he could have finally learned to stick to a normal sleeping pattern and started only going out during the day. She didn't really think that was the case but she had no way of knowing; she rarely heard a peep from him. He no longer showed up at mealtimes. Kaien brought Zero's food to him in his room and she heard him sometimes trying to persuade Zero to eat. But only occasionally would the plates come back to the kitchen looking anything even close to empty. He had been doing so well before but now that his old habits had returned, it seemed they were worse than ever.
Yuki's insides were permanently heavy now with the guilt she felt. She could not stop herself from going over that morning in the Headmaster's kitchen again and again in head. She tried to think of anything she might have missed, hoping that by doing so she might come up with some way to put things right. It was difficult not to let her imagination get carried away with her as she worried. Only some of her theories seemed truly likely. One thing that occurred to her – which might explain, at least in part, why Zero's will to look after himself was declining so rapidly – was the realisation that he had not fed on blood for nearly a month now.
The time had gone by so fast, so many days spent with Zero, thinking things were getting better – it had seemed like no time at all. Zero was already so used to holding back his thirst that he could be very good at hiding it when he needed to. Now that Yuki thought about it, it seemed likely that it was part of the problem.
It was normal for vampires to stretch out the time between feeding, and the development of blood tablets had made this even easier for most. Yuki had become an unusual case lately, sometimes only managing to make it hours between doses. But before this longing for Zero had brought that about – back when she lived at the Kuran manor with Kaname – she would feed from him maybe once or twice a week and then simply wait it out when he was not around.
Zero, like many other former humans, could not stomach blood tablets. And now that Yuki thought about it, for someone with his condition, a month was a very long time to go without feeding. Yuki wondered how she could have overlooked what would happen when Zero began to get thirsty again. It had been such a dire situation when she'd forced her blood on him the first time. She was uncomfortable with the thought of waiting until similar circumstances arose and having to do the same again.
Maybe, the way things had been heading before Zero had run away from her, it would have happened naturally in time. Perhaps the two of them would have grown close enough that he would have learned to take her blood willingly when asked, or even to ask for it himself when he needed to. Maybe, in some other universe, things could have been simple in that way. But the way things had turned lately... Yuki did not think Zero would go anywhere near her now, given the choice.
She tried dreaming up other reasons for Zero's behaviour. She considered the idea that Zero was simply too unwell to come out and see her, that maybe asking for her required a certain sort of bravery that was not quite his speciality – or that he had so many things on his mind that maybe in this instance she needed to be the one to seek him out. Maybe all they needed was to talk it out and things would go back to normal soon enough. But she could not quite bring herself to believe it.
In the first few days after that awful incident, Yuki found herself hovering in front of Zero's bedroom, door on several occasions. Sometimes on her way elsewhere in the house, other times she went there and just waited until her courage inevitably failed her and she went back to her own room. Though she always knew Zero was there, she never heard him make a sound – at least not until the last time she tried it.
It was one of the times that she had stepped up to his door with intent. Once, again she found herself just standing there, staring at the wooden door. Her fingers were drawn up into a fist, but her hand hung still at her side. There was no evidence of movement from within the room but she could feel Zero there somewhere on the other side of the door. The feeling she got from him was a dark one, same as every time she had stood here, wishing that she could make herself knock. She just needed to move her arm – such a simple gesture – just one light knock. And then one simple question: 'Zero, can we talk... please?'
But her arm only tensed up. Her mouth opened but no sound came out. It closed again and her lips pressed together into a thin line. She noticed the wet, sticky feeling in her hand and smelled the blood there, before she even realised that her own fingernails were cutting into the skin of her palm. She watched with a distant sort of surprise as the few fist droplets fell to stain the carpet below her.
And then she heard the noise from inside Zero's room: glass cracking.
After that, a slow inhale – exhale. Then, "Get away." It was said quietly, muffled by the door between them, but somehow the force behind the words was deadly.
Yuki paused only to wipe away the few tears that had formed in her eyes, and then she turned and hurried away.
After those first few days, Zero started leaving his room again. And then if there had been any doubts left after the incident outside his bedroom door that Zero was purposely avoiding Yuki, then this was finally enough to put them to rest. Zero seemed to be making every effort to only go out when Yuki was nowhere near enough to intercept him. Only occasionally would she see him – a gleam of silver hair, the billowing of his grey coat as he walked – just out of the corner of her eye, and then gone as the front door closed behind him.
Yuki would not follow. Zero's message had been received loud and clear: get away. Stay away.
The only exception to this was late on the first night after he'd told her to get away from his room. Yuki heard shouting from the kitchen that night. At first, she was stunned by it because, other than those two low spoken words yesterday, she had not heard Zero speak in days. But she could hear him from several rooms away now. And though she knew she should stay out of it, she just couldn't bring herself to ignore the situation. And so, she followed the sound of the shouting and watched from the kitchen doorway as Kaien tried to reason with Zero. She stopped where she was as the Headmaster came into view. She wanted to see Zero – badly. But as with yesterday, in front of his door, she simply could not make herself move any further.
Kaien's voice low and serious, "What did you expect after the other day, Zero? If you keep refusing to tell me what happened when you were out in the woods, then all I can do is assume the worst. Why would I let you keep a weapon that can seriously hurt you when that's the case?"
It did not take much more than that for Yuki to pick up on the reason for Zero's sudden fury.
"I already told you that you have nothing to worry about," Zero spoke more quietly than before, but it was evident in his tone that it was taking a lot of effort to hold back the rage he was feeling. "I'm not looking to off myself, I just want what belongs to me. You had no right to take Bloody Rose without my knowledge!"
Considering the nature of the conversation, Yuki thought that Kaien looked impressively calm as he spoke again, "As your guardian, I'm afraid I have to disagree with you on that. And while you're currently taking time away from the Hunter's Association I don't think there's any reason for you to need it."
Zero let out a bitter laugh. "'Time away'... you talk like I was given a choice in that. So, what? Am I supposed to not do any training until they want me back – if they ever do?"
"Not for now, no..."
"Why the fuck not?"
Kaien began to massage his forehead with his fingertips and Yuki could see the cracks in his calm exterior now. He was worried about Zero, and not entirely confident in his ability to deal with the situation without somehow making it worse. It was strange to see him looking suddenly so stressed. But Yuki could see where he was coming from and why he was reluctant to spell things out clearly to Zero. She would not have wanted to say it out loud to him either. After everything that she'd heard from Yori all those months ago – about the time he'd not shown up for prefect duties and she had gone to find him in his room – and that devastating story she'd heard from Yagari more recently, Yuki knew what the risk was. It was no wonder to her why Kaien did not want to take it with Zero.
"Zero..." Kaien said evenly, "I'm only trying to help. And I'm also making an effort to be patient. It would be good if you could try to do the same."
"It's difficult when I'm so fucking sick of being told what's best for me all the goddamn time! And taking away my best way of blowing off steam and then telling me to calm down about it afterwards? What a fucking joke! What part of this is supposed to be helping?"
"You want to practice shooting with the Bloody Rose? Right now? I'm sorry Zero, but I just don't think it's a good idea. There must be something else you can do to help you feel better. Why don't you spend some time with–"
"Don't you dare... Don't even think of finishing that sentence."
Yuki did not have to catch the way Kaien's eyes flickered briefly over to where she stood, near the doorway, for her to understand what he'd been about to say. She wished he hadn't gone there, that he had not been so sure of his insistence that Yuki had done nothing she could be blamed for that day. Then she would not have had to hear Zero response. The words cut her, all the more painful for how she hadn't been ready for them this time. She should go. Though she could not see Zero from where she stood, she was not hidden. Zero would be completely aware of her presence. So she should go, get out of his way, if she was bothering him so much.
But she couldn't. She was frozen in place, head bowed, clutching at her aching chest, where implication of the words Zero just spoke had hit hardest. She should not have been surprised by it really. She just had not been expecting to be brought into this particular conversation.
Suddenly Zero spoke again, saving her from having to remove herself from the situation. He lowered his voice and spat, "I'm done. I can't listen to this shit anymore." At this point he finally came into view. His eyes met Yuki's for no more than a second but even that was enough to burn her. Then he was out the door, passing Yuki as quickly as he could manage without having to run. A few seconds later she heard the front door slam.
"I'm sorry." Kaien was approaching her now, his expression full of regret as he took in the look on Yuki's face. "I didn't think he would be..." Kaien shook his head deciding not to finish the sentence. Yuki was glad not to hear it. It had already been obvious that he hadn't believed Zero was really that angry at her.
Yuki dropped her eyes to the floor. "You took Zero's gun away..." she murmured, "I think that was a good idea."
Kaien made a noise of agreement then added, "That discussion just then was far from pleasant, but I'm relieved it only happened now... I took the Bloody Rose after bringing Zero back from the woods that day. I think it's a good sign that it took him this long to notice it was gone."
"Yeah... you're right, I think." And it was good that Zero had not been thinking about wanting to use the Bloody Rose... but just what had he been doing during that time? She had barely heard a sound from him for days. What had he been thinking about?
"Yuki you look so down... I'm sorry that this is getting to you so much. Why don't we go and find something to do to take your mind off things, hmm?"
"No, that's..."
"I won't take no for an answer. Zero refuses point blank to let me help him, but I won't let you get away with the same. Besides, who else will help me eat the cookies I baked today?"
Yuki's lips quirked a little. True, she wasn't quite in the mood for whatever Kaien might have in mind to lift her spirits, but this was hard on him too. She didn't want to add to his worries if she could help it. Besides, who was she to turn down the offer of cookies? Even if they had been crafted by a rather dubious baker.
"Okay," she agreed, "But let's just watch a film or something. I don't think I'm in the mood for anything much more adventurous than that."
Lately Yuki had taken to spending a lot more time with Kaien. With it being the school holidays he did not have as much work to do as usual. It was a good thing for Yuki's low spirits. Kaien was an odd person to pass the time with, Yuki thought, but they had fun together… to a certain extent…
Sometimes they would go for walks. Kaien would take his camera and they'd head off into the woods in search of something exciting. Whatever the exciting thing might be, he could not say, but they would know when they saw it. Unfortunately, the most exciting part would usually be when the last of the daylight was completely gone and the two realised that they were completely lost – and, yes, somehow this did happen on more than one occasion. They'd make it back to the house at some absurd hour and there would just be time for a hot chocolate before Kaien would decide it was time he went to bed.
Other nights were slightly less thrilling... Yuki might get out whatever knitting project she was working on and Kaien would try to teach her what he knew about various stitches. As with the walks, things did not always go to plan and Yuki began to wonder if she was benefiting at all from having a tutor when it came to knitting. She suspected she might get further by teaching herself.
Friday night was jigsaw night. Yuki and Kaien were set up at the dining room table and the picture on the box in front of them featured about five kittens and a lot of wool. Yuki felt as though she was on a roll with her corner section. Just one more piece and she'd have a the fully formed face of a fluffy black kitten simpering up at her. She scanned the tabletop were all the pieces were scattered. There were quite a lot to sort through but after a minute of searching she finally spotted one that looked as though it could be the piece she needed. She reached out and, just as she grabbed it, she saw movement in her peripheral vision; that familiar blur of pale skin and silvery hair.
Her eyes flickered so quickly to the open door leading out to the hall, but she only caught the movement of Zero's long coat as he hurried past. The scent of him wafted in on the air and she did not know if it was that which made her throat ache now or if it was simply the feeling of holding back her tears.
Yuki's eyes dropped to the table. The jigsaw piece was still clutched in her hand but she made no move to fit it to the rest of her section.
"Yuki?"
She did not answer Kaien at first. She kept her eyes on the table but the jigsaw pieces were turning to coloured blurs in front of her. She wanted to make the sandpaper ache in her throat go away but of course focusing on it was only making it worse. She heard Kaien say her name again and slowly she looked up. She realised that the small cardboard piece in her hand was becoming crumpled so she dropped it. "Sorry," she muttered.
Kaien paid no attention to that. He was looking at her sympathetically, silently telling her that he was listening, if she wanted to talk.
Yuki said something that she had been considering for a couple of days now, a grim thought that had settled itself down in her head, heavy and unwilling to budge, "I've been thinking that maybe I should go home."
Kaien's look of sympathy turned into a frown. "Is that what you want?"
Yuki turned away from him again and then, after a moment, she shook her head. "No... I don't want that, but... Zero doesn't want me here." She swallowed painfully, and then went on in a sad, quiet voice, "This is his home more than mine so it's really not fair that I'm here when it's causing him so much trouble."
"Yuki, no..." came Kaien's soft reply. "If you want to think of this place as a home then you are welcome to... I'm certain that you and Zero will work things out eventually. So don't let this recent upset make you think you can't stay if you want to."
"I..." Yuki was staring at the crumpled jigsaw piece as she tried to summon the words for what she wanted to say. She was smoothing it out with her fingers, trying to get it to lie flat again. "I always believed that... I thought... Zero just needed time; that eventually he would see that I could never want to hurt him. We've been through so much together already..." Yuki's voice sounded so small. These words, these thoughts, they had crawled out from some dark space in her head and she had found herself able to think of little else since. They had spread over the course of the week until nearly all her thoughts were bleak gloomy things. Kaien's distractions had worked to an extent but... it was getting too much, it really was. "It's starting to seem like no matter how far I think we've progressed, I always end up making him suffer."
Yuki watched as one, and then another clear droplet fell from her cheek and landed on the table next to her small fist. Kaien reached over then and she felt the warm rough skin of his hand go around hers.
He told her, "It has been an awfully long time since I have seen Zero as close with another person as I've seen him with you. This is a setback, Yuki. Zero is trying to find his way out of something extremely difficult. He cannot be expected not to stumble a few times along the way. The most important thing for you to think about now, is what you want for yourself. You mustn't let others choose for you."
"But..." Yuki hesitated. She felt so, so uncertain about verbalising the question that had come to her head. And possibly she should have just kept it to herself but Kaien was being so straightforward with her. It made her wonder if it was okay for her to do the same. Besides, she was lost, and Kaien's directions so far were only leading her to a dead end. "But," she said the words so very quietly, "What if it's him? What if Zero is what I want?" Yuki's face was heating up and she could not bring herself to look at the Headmaster. "I can't possibly control the situation, nor would I want to if I could, so what could I possibly do for myself if that's the case?"
Kaien sighed and Yuki still did not look up at him. Her face was burning crimson, but he gave her hand a reassuring squeeze and then let go. She heard him lean back in his chair.
After a moment, he said, "I don't think I can answer that for you. But I wonder if perhaps I asked you the wrong question in the first place. Perhaps I should have asked what you feel you need the most, because if you are honest with yourself then the answer will be different. There's no need to have that answer ready now. But think about it Yuki, because it's important – just as important as what Zero needs, or Kaname, or anyone else who is important to you."
As he spoke and Yuki realised that he had taken her question seriously, rather than choosing to tease her about it, she finally looked up at Kaien's face. He was smiling gently back at her.
Yuki did not answer him. She wondered what it was she might need that she could realistically have. And then she wondered how she could possibly think of herself when Zero was so troubled, when she was so scared of what might happen to him.
When Yuki stayed quiet, Kaien went on talking, "Whatever you decide to do next is up to you. But please think it through carefully. I wouldn't want you to rush into a decision you might end up regretting just because things are feeling a little hopeless right now."
As she looked at him Yuki felt a slow warmth swell inside her and, while it wasn't quite enough to banish the murk of her recent thoughts, it brought a grateful smile to her tearstained face. She was glad she had told Kaien her worries. Sometimes – certainly not always – but sometimes, he knew exactly the right thing to say. And this past week, he'd really been there for her when she had needed it. Yuki could not say how much that meant to her.
"Thank you, Headmaster. I don't know what I'll do next but, after everything... You're right. I can't give up so quickly... I can't run away just yet."
Zero walked with his head down and his hands shoved into his pockets against the cold. The academy grounds were quiet and empty, as per usual for this time of night. Tonight was a little darker, perhaps, than usual. With the students away for the school holidays there were no lights on in the dorms and there was a stillness about the place that Zero sort of liked. He felt it had been a good decision to come out tonight, though he was not entirely sure why he felt this way. He was not really in the best headspace lately to be analysing his thoughts too much. In any case, being outside was a lot better than stewing in his room like he had been doing for most of the week.
It had not taken Zero long to recover physically from the events of last week. After a couple of hours next to the fire his body had been more or less back to normal. As a vampire, he was not at risk of succumbing to illness so it had only been a matter of warming up after being exposed to the cold for so long. After that he had just been tired. It had taken a lot to make himself move from his spot beside the fire to the privacy of his own room. Perhaps the only thing that had made him do so was the prospect of the questions he would eventually be expected to answer and, though he did really want to admit to it, the fear of what would happen when he saw her again.
This fear was not that wild terror that sent him running from her that morning. It was something closer to a muted, yet nauseating, apprehension. The worst of it wore away soon enough, but the thing left behind in its place was no more pleasant. He could already feel her around nearby, with that elevated awareness to the presence of others that vampires and most hunters possessed. He could feel her... so much. Every day. The scent of her was all over the house. There may have been a lot more than that to this suffocating feeling he was dealing with, but it was adding to the load.
One day she had bled in front of him. There had been a closed door between them at the time but he could smell it all the same. Did she mean to lure him out this way? Zero could not tell which anger was greater: that at her audacity, or at the temptation it sparked in him – the burning feel of it.
It might have been that which got him out of the house in the following days. As if anger were the fuel to finally propel him from the miserable hole he had climbed into after that day the woods.
The cold air soothed. It coaxed the burning into something more manageable. Funny how they had talked a little less than two weeks ago, about his future, as though he had been saved. Zero had not realised then that they had been talking about selling his soul – whatever was left of it. But she had said those very words the night he'd drank from her, hadn't she?
'Live on as a vampire...'
Was that what he had been doing? Had he agreed to that at some point? Wouldn't he rather die?
Zero's hands shook a little with disgust at the thought and he drew them tighter into his coat pockets. He looked out into the black of the trees beyond the Academy grounds. He felt the call of those woods. Maybe tonight he'd find what he was looking for...
As he approached the Academy gates, Zero almost didn't notice the figure waiting for him in the shadows there. It was just as he caught the familiar scent of Yagari's cigarette smoke that the hunter stepped forward, placing himself between Zero and his destination.
Zero stared, wondering how it had become so easy lately for people to sneak up on him. He was getting almost as bad as – he exhaled slowly and gritted his teeth as he pushed that thought away. After a few seconds he asked, "What are you doing here, Master?"
Yagari eyed Zero sternly before he answered, "Pretty much just waiting to ask you the same question. You know, since you're the one who's developed a habit of sneaking out into the woods at night."
Yagari took a drag of his cigarette, giving Zero his chance to respond to that statement. But by the time he tossed what was left of it to the ground and exhaled a cloud of smoke Zero had still not said a word. "It's a strange new pastime you've picked up, with all that's happened lately," Yagari went on. "You want to explain just what exactly you've been doing out there?"
He did not take his eye off Zero for a second, but Zero met the stare head on, giving not so much as a twitch to betray whatever he might be feeling as he answered, "Just walking."
Yagari's expression soured. "Bullshit."
Zero said nothing. He had not come here to argue with his teacher. He didn't want to talk at all. This thing that was eating him up inside would not be released by talking.
"Try again, Zero."
The command was harsh and Zero tried to keep his face impassive in response to it, but it was becoming more difficult not to let his anger show. "I gave you my answer."
"And I told you I'm not buying it." When again Zero just stared silently back at him, Yagari became exasperated and said, "Well fine, if you're not going to tell me now then you can just turn back around and go back to the house. You're done out here for tonight."
But Zero was rooted to the spot. His mask was beginning to crack, his rage starting to show through from underneath. No way was he going back in there like this.
"Are you serious?" Yagari barked. "You think that after everything that happened last week Cross and I would be even remotely okay with you leaving school grounds at night for no reason?"
Zero's glare turned defiant. "There's no need for you to worry about last week. I'm fine," he spat the words.
In answer to that Yagari looked him up and down. There was nothing in his expression to suggest that he believed Zero one bit. "Yeah?" he said, "Maybe that's the case... would be a bit easier to believe it if you'd tell us what happened back then. But say it's true, that whatever went wrong that day was a one off and you really are fine - I've still seen no evidence to show that you plan to keep yourself that way."
"Enough with the fucking suicide watch," Zero snarled, "It isn't necessary."
Yagari just gave him a stony look. "Go back inside, Zero."
Zero glowered at his teacher. He felt an increasingly familiar heat surge within him and he suddenly felt he had to turn away to keep it from getting the better of him. He spun around to face in the direction of the Headmaster's residence and made several angry strides in its direction, and then he stopped. He wanted to scream. He wanted to rage. He wanted to shoot something – to find one of those vile creatures he hated so much and turn it to dust. But none of that was happening.
Zero closed his eyes and took a few long, steadying breaths. Then he spoke, "When I was out there that day... I was attacked. By a level E."
The words were barely out of his mouth before he heard the heavy footfalls of Yagari's approach and then felt a hand grab his shoulder and roughly turn him around. Yagari glared furiously down at him. "You didn't think this was something you should have told us earlier?"
Zero jerked his shoulder free from Yagari's hold but did not answer him. He wasn't sure he'd be able to get the rest of the story out if he allowed himself to be distracted. "I didn't have Bloody Rose with me. I don't know how I did it, but I killed that vampire without even needing a weapon. It was easy... somehow my powers have grown recently without me even realising... But now I'm so aware of them I can hardly bring myself to concentrate on anything else. Even now, I can feel them... I can't seem to calm down from it."
He saw Yagari adding it all up in his head. "So what? You decided to start stalking the woods at night, looking for vampires to kill? Are you an idiot? You've worked for the association, you know what the rules are. You can't just go around killing vampires when you feel like it. You have to work from a list, and right now you don't have access to that list because no one knows if you're even well enough to be a hunter at all!"
He had been expecting the lecture, unnecessary though it was. Zero was well aware of all this, but it was difficult to give a shit about any of it when the alternative felt so much like boiling alive from the inside.
"Your Bloody Rose gun – do you have it? Did that moron of a headmaster give it back to you already?"
Zero felt his anger flare up once more at the mention of the gun. "No," he ground out, "He didn't."
Now Yagari's fury was nearly equal to his own. "Then what the hell were you thinking? Going out there unarmed and looking for trouble. Do you even know how to control these new powers of yours? Idiot – I can't even begin to describe how stupid that is!"
"So what if it was stupid?" The words that flew out of Zero's mouth were the loudest he'd spoken all night. Perhaps it was the reminder of his fight with Kaien earlier in the week, or it could have just been Yagari's anger, pushing him further until he could no longer stop his most furious and miserable thoughts from pouring out of him, "You- you and the Headmaster might want to close your eyes and pretend that it never happened, but you know what I did to recover after that last hunt I went on. It's the only reason I'm not at Level E already – the only reason you've not had to kill me yourself. And it means that whatever's left of my life is dependent on her now. So what does it even fucking matter? It's not worth you or anyone else worrying about it. So just give the hell up already and save yourself the trouble."
As soon as the words were out, Zero closed his eyes, not wanting to see his master's face as he took it all in. The yelling helped a little, he supposed, but that didn't stop the feeling that he just wished he'd kept his mouth shut all together. He hadn't meant to let all that out. Yagari hadn't needed to know about it.
A long moment passed in silence and then Zero heard Yagari mutter, "How long am I supposed to wait before you stop believing that shit? Because I'm sure as hell not buying it."
Zero opened his eyes. Yagari had stepped back and was now rummaging around in his pockets. A second later he pulled out a cigarette and lighter. He placed the former between his lips, lit it and after a moment the scent of tobacco smoke filled the air. Yagari kept his eye fixed on Zero's face as he took a drag, then he lowered the cigarette from his mouth, exhaled and said, "I might be more willing to believe you if it weren't for that anger. That shows me part of you is still fighting – though you'd do a better job with it if you weren't turning it on yourself like that."
"What do you think I've been trying to do?" Zero raged. "And what the hell do you expect me to do with this feeling when you don't want me out here? The Headmaster doesn't even want me doing shooting practice. So, tell me, what am I supposed to do?"
"We'll figure something out."
Zero looked disbelieving. "You really think that's a good enough answer?"
"It'll have to be, because I'm not letting you past this gate tonight. End of story."
Zero had no retort that did not involve completely blowing up at his master. So he stayed silent, but his eyes blazed at Yagari. Zero had never been so furious with him. Yagari seemed fairly annoyed himself, but was managing to keep it in check better than Zero was. He was staring back at him evenly as he took another drag of his cigarette and then flicked some of the ash onto the floor. Then he broke the tense silence that had formed between them, "Zero," he said, "Those past nights you've been out here – did you find anything?"
Zero exhaled slowly, as if to calm himself before he spoke, but his answer still came out a little sharp, "Nothing."
"Good," Yagari grunted, "Now get back inside before you do something really idiotic."
Zero stared at him. They were done with the conversation? Just like that?
Suddenly he realised that there was something he wanted to say to his teacher. The solution was obvious really: "I want to start working with the association again," Zero told him.
Yagari gave him a blank look. "And what use is a job as a hunter to someone who wants to give up on everything?"
"I didn't say it was me who needed to give up," Zero grumbled. "Just because I know I'm fucked doesn't mean I want to sit around doing nothing while I wait for the end. Let me at least make myself useful for a while."
"It's a possibility," Yagari said, tossing his cigarette away. "But there's not much point in even thinking about it unless you're willing to make some steps towards getting better."
They were going around in circles, Zero thought in exasperation. Just how was Yagari expecting him to do that? The very thing Zero was asking for now was the only path he could see through to that place. Because perhaps by fighting Level Es – by destroying those gruesome beasts foreshadowing what was to come for him if he did not 'get better' – perhaps he might be able to figure out how to actually do it.
Yagari did not want to stand in Zero's way. Even through his intense frustration, Zero could see that. He was just trying to be logical – thinking about it from the perspective of the association. They would not want to employ a hunter who could so easily become a liability during missions. Zero could fight, he had no doubt that he could take down any rogue vampire who might come at him. But he was also very aware now of how easily things could go wrong in other ways. The memory of the evening of his last hunt, when he'd found that girl bleeding in the woods, was never going to leave him, he was sure of it. The way he'd felt then... she'd lost so much blood. There had barely been any life left in her, but he'd wanted it anyway. There had been something inside him that night that wanted him to take what he could of the life streaming from the wound at that girl's neck. And when he'd resisted it had hurt. So much that he'd thought he might die. And he'd almost been ready for it...
What if he had just ended it back then... before Yuki had come along and forced him into the only other option...?
"Zero?"
Zero dodged the hand coming to land on his shoulder, realising suddenly just how lost in thought he has become. He was not in the mood to fight any more, but he didn't want whatever support Yagari had been trying to give him either. Why had Zero agreed to see this being a vampire thing through to the end anyway? He could have just...
"Just forget it," he muttered.
He was tired. These thoughts were making him tired. He turned from his teacher and headed back to the house. Yagari followed, wanting to make sure Zero made it back without any detours. But there was no need for it. Zero wasn't going anywhere tonight.
A/N: This is one instance where the title lyrics are from a song that goes pretty well with the chapter. Or with the last few paragraphs in particular. So if you like really sad songs then there's a recommendation for you…
To the guest reviewer who mentioned the idea of Zero's vines being connected to Shizuka's blood: I've never thought of that before! It's an interesting theory, but there isn't really any need to apply it to this story (unless you consider the possibility of the power being somehow being connected to the 'bloody bond' that's already between them… not sure if that's plausible, but it's something to think about, I guess?) I know the events of the last chapter don't really fit with canon that well. I'm just taking some liberties and twisting things around to suit me because It's an AU fanfic and I figure there's no harm in it. I just hope that no one found it too unbelievable.
It's good to know your thoughts on these sorts of things anyway. I never feel certain about how people are going to perceive a lot of this story, so feedback is really helpful! Thank you to everyone leaving it. Please keep it up!
(Chapter title from So You Wanna be a Superhero? by Carissa's Weird)
