I spliced it!
I won't ask for feedback because asking would raise my expectations and since you won't fulfill them, I will feel bad and sad. Well, I won't but it is a remote possibility so why put myself through the grindstone?
So read it and don't review it.
Chapter 28
I decided to go find Radar before I decided to not give that a damn either and later, regret it. The call was already past overdue.
Radar jumped when he saw me in the outer office. His reaction would have been funny if it were not for my acute lack of sense of humor. However, any other reactions that I saw on my way paled in his comparison. The speed with which he went to cower next to file cabinets was amazing.
"I won't bite you. Relax! Just need to put a call through to Crabapple Cove switchboard. Can you do it or I ask Sparky personally?" His glasses were fogging, how, I did not know.
"But..." He started telling me something but I was not in the mood for that. I needed that call and I needed it now.
"RADAR! I Want That Call and I Want it NOW. Now put the damned thing through." I started moving towards him. If it meant pulling him towards the phone to push him to make it...
"Captain Pierce, Sir..."
"Don't Cap'n Pierce me. I want you to put the damned call through. NOW. I NEED to speak to someone. URGENTLY!"
" I know you do. Col. Potter already told me to do it as soon as possible. But all lines of communication are down in this sector. I will place it as soon as they are up again and bring the phone to you in your tent." He was angry. Or scared? He was at the verge of crying, I think. Or maybe willing to get physically emotional, as he once put it. Col. Potter, on the other hand... My respect for the commander just increased many folds. Last thing I had expected from him was to be this perceptive. He did deserve better from me than what he was receiving lately.
I was embarassed now. All I could do was utter a groan of understanding and guilt and shame.
" Now can I use my office again?" Came the very angry voice of my little friend.
Pierce on the roll!
" Uhhh, yeah! Thank you Radar. And I am sorry for... Tell Col. Potter I said Hi!" I shook my head and left the outer office. That was embarrassing.
Now what?
Feeling rather deflated, I started trudging along Broadway without thinking. I already hated the feeling of helplessness when it came to my work in Korea where no matter what I did, results remained almost the same. Or got worse. And yeah, sometimes... the one time when I did feel a connection to a woman, I felt this sort of helplessness. But with Dad, this was the first time. I did not really know how to explain what I was feeling about all this. And the inability to control what was happening along with the inability to control what I was thinking was hard to cope with. Part of me told me to leave things alone and let them be, BJ, Dad and everybody else. This was the same part that, when furious, told me to tell them all to go to hell. But I could not do that. I couldn't notdo anything. But what to do? That was the big question. And it was driving me nuts real fast.
If only I knew someone who could tell me what to do. I knew nobody could and that just added to the frustration. Surgery was a good cathartic process for me when faced with such existential questions but right now...
I kicked out at a a small rock lying on the ground and realized I had walked rather far off from the camp. I was much closer to the side that faced the hill side with the chopper pads to my right. Radar would hear them before I would, I thought, feeling the quintessential rambling beginning.
Oh, well! Whatever keeps my mind off of ...
I picked another rock and threw it as far as I could. That felt good. Reminded me of some good old days too. Joint pains were all but gone and even if they had not, I couldn't not care less. I should have brought my driver here. I could whack some golf balls and feel better, perhaps. But for now, throwing rocks was the next best thing. Dad had given away my golf set. I hoped that the person he gave it to would return it unless he gave it away in charity. That would have been awful fast if he had given it to some charity. That meant he was already mentally prepared for some such possibility.
Who are you kidding?
Of course he was prepared. Maybe not so much prepared as trying to brace himself for any such possibility. All our letters and talks remained lighthearted bordering on jovial and sometimes even silly but there was an undercurrent and we both knew it and we both evaded it and talked around it.
That I might not go home again.
The only time we faced it was when that morbid son of a... It was not his fault -the morgue fellow who came to inform me of my death, Digger - that was when we did sort of faced the fears. Actually, he did. I did not. I was too busy being guilty and worried about him suffering through this SNAFU.
Stop being morbid. You are not on the front and you are a life saver, not a killer.
Lets hope Koreans afford me the same courtesy as I do to myself!
Where was my Caduseus, by the way?
Sun was pale and shivering with the cold. Or was it just me? Cold felt good though. Had the nostalgic feeling. Cold in Korea was the only thing common with my hometown. And that too, in theory alone. There were no trees on this side of town. And trees that did survive the bombings never turned those colors that I was used to. And the rugged, almost brutal coast. I would drive down there just to enjoy the scenery during this time of the year. And when my old car broke down. That was interesting, to say the least. Taught me a good lesson at a young age. Not to be an idiot by going out alone in weather like that. Take a beautiful blonde with you. If all else fails, at least you can share body heat! Maybe the same lesson applied to life in general. And of course, there was always a fire and a boiler and hot water and a really warm house. And the loud Thanksgiving with so much noise, followed by a louder countdown to Christmas.
"What are you smiling at?" I was startled. And almost hated BJ for ruining my perfect moment, my first perfect moment in so many days.
"Nothing!" I must have shown irritation or disappointment because he became apologetic again.
"Listen Hawk! I'm sor..." I cut him off before he even finished.
"Forget it Beej. Just give and receive a blanket apology to last a life time. I wasn't too bright myself earlier. I won't tell you I know what you are going through and you don't discard my concern for you. Deal?" I reasoned calmly while bracing myself. Lately, I was having trouble figuring out his reactions and behavior.
"I can live with that!" He conceded and I took a very silent sigh of relief.
"Good. Now that's settled. I am glad we had this talk."
"How about the other way round?"
" Huh?" Now I was confused. And here I thought I had settled something. Or part of something.
"How about me not knowing what you are going through and you discarding my concern?"
"Oh! That. Well, for one, I never discard your concern for me. And secondly, add the clause 'vice-versa' to my earlier statement." I did not know where he was going with that. My problems were small and were somewhat distant compared to his and I could handle them without telling him and adding to his own. That was the only reason, or bunch of reasons why I did not feel the need to tell him whatever was bothering me, IF anything was, to begin with.
"I know you don't." He was sombre. I did not like his tone.
"Yeah? Then what's the problem?"
"I was in the Col.'s office earlier."
"Yeah. So was I. So?"
"I know you were. I heard the ...I heard you!"
"Oh, that! Yeah. I needed to call someone back home and the lines were down and I took out my anger on Radar before realizing it was not his fault. I feel bad about it, in case you are wondering. I have decided not to kiss him anymore as my way of apologising."
" Not just him!"
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"What about throwing the tray across the tent?" I knew he would throw this one at me. How could I tell him why I did it when even I did not know the reason behind it.
"You made me angry. That was all. And it was the same anger that I took out on Radar too. Throwing tray was the effect and you were the cause!"
"Yeah?" God I hated that smug look.
"Yeah! Now, are you finished? I have a few more rocks to throw in the field before retiring for the day." And with that, I turned and picked the biggest, ugliest rock I could find and threw it across the field as hard as possible. I felt my arm leave the socket and fly away with the rock. It landed too far out because the cloud of dust was somewhat small. Where was this force coming from? I could throw a fifty yard ball in college but then I had to ice my elbow for a few hours. Maybe I should have had a fit of silent rage before I had gone out on the field back then?
Clouds were gathering and the temperature had dropped a good ten degrees since I came here. Windchill alone put the temperature in low twenties and we still hadn't received our supply of winter gear.
I picked another big one and threw it silently thinking, 'Here's to the Army'!
BJ just stood there watching me.
P.S. Next chapter tonight. Or tomorrow morning. Or maybe next week. Who knows?
