Epilogue
As I stated in the beginning, I don't regret even a moment of all that I went through to be with the man that I love. I would love to say that Erik and I lived happily ever after, but though we were happy, it was never as simple for us as it was for other couples. We had some hard times to get through and though there were times when I would have cheerfully packed up and walked away, I was always held back by the thought of how much Erik truly loved and needed me. It never took me long to realize that I needed him just as much as he needed me.
Living with Erik has quite possibly been the hardest thing I've ever done, but it has been worth every minute. I've never known someone with so much love to give! He amazes me nearly every day with some small show of kindness that I didn't expect. I love him with my whole heart and soul, but I know that my love for him is a paltry thing when compared to the love he bears for me. Sometimes I wonder how this could be the same man they called the Angel of Death, but inevitably, something will arouse his temper and I will be reminded that there is another, very dark and dangerous side to him. He still frightens me at times.
His genius is a gift and a burden, I've learned. He disappears for days at a time composing or designing, not eating, not sleeping and completely unaware of my presence. It is during these times that I am most frightened, for it is as if he does not even recognize me when I go to him and try to coax him to eat something or get some sleep. His temper is terrible to behold at these times, and I've learned to stay away from his music room or workshop during his creative phases. When he has come back to himself he is generally exhausted and will sleep for hours and hours. When he awakens, it's as if he had never disappeared in the first place and he always seems slightly surprised to see a new composition there among his works or a new design upon his desk. I think sometimes it secretly scares him too, though he'd never admit it.
I suppose the most trying thing we went through was when I learned I was pregnant. I had so many warring emotions within me. I was elated to learn I was going to be a mother, but deep down inside I was terrified. I was afraid to admit it, even to myself, but I worried that the baby would be born with Erik's face. I know it was terribly wicked of me, but I couldn't help it! Oh, there was no doubt that I would love any child I had, no matter what he or she may look like, but I knew what a hard life faced any child that looked like Erik. So, it was not for myself that I worried, but for the child growing inside me.
I eventually screwed up the courage to tell Erik we were going to have a baby and I watched as the same emotions played across his unmasked face. I tried to comfort him, to reassure him, but he saw through me. He could see that I was terrified and he misunderstood, thinking I was upset because I couldn't love a child that looked like him. I suppose that his insecurities were just so deeply ingrained within him that he couldn't see the obvious: I loved him so why wouldn't I love a child who looked like him? We had terrible fights during those months and I feared more than once I would miscarry and, at the end, I'm ashamed to say I almost welcomed that possibility if it would only restore the trust that had grown between Erik and me.
If ever there was a time when Erik and I grew apart, it was then. By the time I actually went into labor we were barely speaking, and both of us were miserable. I seriously contemplated having the baby and just moving back into my old townhouse in Paris and raising it alone. The labor was long and grueling, but in the end, I had a beautiful and perfect baby boy in my arms. And that, my son, is the reason I have written my tale. It is all because of you.
Erik came to visit me shortly after you were born and, when I looked into his eyes, all was forgiven in an instant. He took you from me and held you, looking as if he were terrified he would break you or inflict some injury upon you simply by holding you. When the midwife had gone, I asked him to remove his mask and he looked at me as if I had just asked him to please find the nearest cliff and leap off it. I had to assure him that you couldn't possibly understand what you were seeing at this point, and, in fact, probably couldn't even really see him at all. I didn't know if this were true, but it calmed him, so I let him think that your eyesight was probably not developed well enough to see him clearly.
Reluctantly, he removed his mask and gazed down at you in wonder. It was the most remarkable thing I have ever seen. I know that people have always said that newborns don't understand and can't smile. Perhaps that is true for other newborns, but you, my son were different from the very beginning. As your father gazed down at you in wonder, you stared right back at him, then your little face broke into a beatific smile as your fist came up of its own accord and struck your father right in his chin. Erik's eyes widened as he looked from you to me and back to you again. From that moment on, you two were nearly inseparable.
And so, I have lived with your father all these years and, though you know the man that he is now, you've never known who he was before and all that we overcame to be together. You are twenty-one now and before long you'll know what its like to be in love. I just hope that you will always remember that there is no obstacle so large that it cannot be overcome. Never be afraid of love, my son. And always look beyond the outer appearance and see the person underneath, even when it appears that there is nothing there worth seeing or saving.
And now, I must go for I hear my husband bellowing for me from downstairs. He has just finished his latest composition and is, apparently, wondering why I haven't yet appeared at his side with sustenance. I hope that you will always remember how very much your parents love you. You have grown into a fine young man and you are more like your father than you will ever know. You make me proud of you every day, my son. Never doubt that you are loved.
