Oh, unbelievable! Already 122 Followers. To me that is a huge number. Thank you all for reading and please let me know how you have liked the story so far.
Well, you know how it is! Life is never peaceful in Camelot for too long. Warnings should be in place here; Morgana (and Merlin) will be going through some tough times. Hope you don't hate me after this one.
The palace and the courtyard sparkled like white crystals as a soft hoar frost covered almost everything outside after a chilly night. Morgana and Mirela admired the glimmering sight in the morning sun. They had came out to seeing Arthur and Leon on their way at Dordona. Merlin had met with them earlier, before he had gone to the council meeting.
Mirela walked with Arthur arm in arm, already yearning of him. "Do you have everything now?" she asked as they walked to the horses that were waiting on the courtyard.
Arthur lifted his saddlebags. "I think so," he said and threw them on his horse. "Sword, dagger, blanket, food..."
Then he checked once more that he had the most important document with him: the letter from king Balinor to Sir Olef. It was a reply to Sir Olef's letter that the old knight of Uther had sent to Camelot a few days ago. Sir Olef told that there were some people in northern Dordona, in Arthur's and Morgana's former home, who wished to move to Camelot and start a new life there. In the letter, the old knight had referred to the offer that Balinor had given to Uther months ago, promising a chance for returning to Camelot. Naturally, Balinor wanted to welcome all those who wished to come, as long as they were willing to follow the present laws of the kingdom. Arthur and Leon volunteered for taking the message back to Dordona, thus having a chance to meet their old friends again. They wore their knight's uniforms, showing the Camelot's colours.
Arthur placed his sword in the saddle sheath and then gave his wife a long hug. "I'm missing you already," he whispered to her ear. "Are you sure you'll be alright alone tonight?" he asked then a little bit worried.
Mirela smiled with pursed lips. "I'll be fine. I'll have the bed all to myself again and don't have to worry about scorching you," she joked, but it seemed that Arthur didn't find that funny now. Mirela stroke his cheek and gave him a smile. "Seriously, don't worry about me, Arthur. I'll be fine. Just see to it that you'll get back home to me. I love you," she whispered and kissed him.
Arthur held her in his arms and would have not wanted to let go. "And, I love you," he said and gave her one more kiss. Then he turned to Morgana who also hugged him for short goodbyes. "You could still come along to visit home. We could wait for you to get ready, if you want," Arthur said to his sister.
Morgana shook her head slowly and there were sadness in her eyes. "No, that place would only bring up memories that I'm trying to forget," she said quietly. Then she smiled a little. "But we have good memories from there too, don't we?"
Arthur nodded, yearning those innocent childhood times again when they romped with his little sister and his friends back in home. "We do," he sighed and glanced at Leon who had already climbed on his horse. "Well... we'll better get going then if we wish to get beyond the White Mountain before dark."
"Have a safe journey," Morgana said and gazed at the men. "And Leon, keep my brother away from troubles, will you?" she winked at Leon.
Leon nodded to the ladies with a smile. "I'll do my best. But you know Arthur. He could be a handful sometimes."
"Good luck and come back safely," Mirela wished for both of them. She and Morgana stayed outside waving at the men as they rode out through the open gates of the courtyard. And Arthur took one more glance behind him before he disappeared from their sight.
Morgana nudged gently on Mirela's arm. "Why was Arthur so worried of leaving you alone tonight?"
"Don't ask!"
"You are seeing nightmares again? Let me guess. About Cenred?"
Mirela looked overwrought. "These dreams are driving me insane. Last night I lit our cover on fire again. If this continues, soon we'll be out of blankets in Camelot." She pursed up her lips irritated after seeing Morgana's pitying grin. "Oh, don't you dare to say it, Morgana!"
"I'm sorry but I just can't stop wondering why you have a man in your head while you have another man in your bed," Morgana teased, trying to keep a straight face. She knew about Mirela's nightmares. After everything that had happened to her, it was no wonder that she kept seeing bad dreams. "Honestly, I know how you feel. And I can see how this is upsetting you. Perhaps it is time to do something about it and work those issues," Morgana suggested. She shivered with cold and wrapped her green cloak tighter around her.
"That's why I was going to see Alice today. The reason could be simple, though. Perhaps I am just mad. But I want Cenred out off my head. In the Castle of Fyrien, I saw him falling down to his death, but lately I have been pondering, what if he didn't die. His body was never found."
Morgana placed her hand on Mirela's shoulder. "You are home, safe. There is no way he could hurt you even if he is alive," Morgana said. "Which I am sure he is not."
"I am not afraid of him even if he is alive. It is just that... Gods... I don't know." Mirela let out a sigh. She noticed that the coldness outside seemed to bother Morgana. "You look a little pale. Let's go back inside that you won't catch a cold."
Morgana did feel a bit ill, like fever would have been rising. But she wasn't going to mind about that or a slight aching in her back. "I can come with you to speak with Alice if you like," she suggested.
The ladies hurried back inside from the chilly courtyard. Morgana shook off her chills as they walked side by side across the halls downstairs. She was quiet and immersed in her thoughts, all the things circling inside her head. She heard Mirela mentioning something about that "she would have loved to go with Arthur to Dordona", when a sickening feeling took over her. It went through her body like a wave of pain, and Morgana had to take a lean against the hallway's wall.
"What's wrong, Morgana?" Mirela asked and gave her a hand.
Morgana took a few slow breaths, trying to lessen the sick feeling. "I'm just feeling queasy. I think I'll go to lie down for a while."
The last steps in the stairs felt the hardest as Morgana's felt the pain getting stronger. Mirela walked her sister-in-law to Merlin's and Morgana's chambers, where Mordred was still cleaning up and arranging things back to their right places.
"Oh, Mordred, good that you're here," Mirela said as she noticed the druid boy. "Could you please fetch Alice here?"
Mordred stared pale at Morgana who sat on the bed, looking unwell. "Are you alright, my lady?" he asked worried.
Morgana tried to smile to the serving boy even she was everything but fine. "Yes, it is only a transient feeling of nausea. It will pass. This isn't the first time," she told and then looked at Mirela. "It was you who was supposed to see Alice today. I don't think I need a physician."
Mirela poured a cup of water and gave it to Morgana. "Of course you do. Especially if this has happened before," Mirela snapped with worrying tone. She glanced at the serving boy, who only then hurried out from the room getting Alice.
As Morgana laid herself down on the bed, Mirela gazed around her in the room where some things seemed to be misplaced. Before she had a chance to ask what had happened here, Morgana answered to her. "I finally got the hang of the levitation spell," she grinned, without revealing the details about her inspiration.
Mordred had the cold sweat as he ran to get the physician and followed her back to Morgana's chambers. He stayed outside on the corridor as Alice made an examination for the patient. Mordred knew it was his doings that bothered Morgana. She was sick because of the potion he had given to her. He felt the vial through his clothes that was still in his pocket. And he feared the worse that they would find it from him. He pressed his ear on the door and tried to hear what the women inside were talking about.
Alice touched Morgana's forehead for her temperature and checked her eyes and mouth. Then she made a short examination, pressing gently her stomach over the white undergarment. "And you are saying that you have had these feelings of nausea also before?" the physician lady asked.
Morgana grimaced with pain as Alice pressed her lower belly. "Yes, once or twice in the past two months."
Alice frowned a little. "Does it always include pain in your abdomen?" she asked and Morgana nodded. "How about bleedings?" Morgana nodded again, feeling uncomfortable about the subject.
Alice heaved a sigh and looked concerned. "I am sorry, my dear Morgana... I'm afraid your symptoms refer to a miscarriage," the physician said with a compassionate voice.
Morgana swallowed down that sickening feeling that was rising in her throat again after that news. "A miscarriage?" she whispered, her voice trembling. She couldn't believe it. Not when she had just dreamed about the baby's cradle last night. She had not even been aware of being pregnant. "Is there anything you can do?" she asked worried. She felt a new wave of pain convulsing her insides. And with it came blood, soiling her pearl-white chemise red.
Mirela stared at her sister-in-law distressed. She turned at Alice. "Do something! Help her!" she cried out. "We all have magic. We can heal her and save the baby. Tell me what to do!"
Alice shook her head quietly, and stroke Morgana's back to ease her pain as she was curling with another cramp.
"I'm afraid it is too late. In this state, there is nothing anyone can do. If this is what nature have decided then magic won't do any good," the physician told, sorrow in her voice. Alice was old enough to know that sometimes these things happened. Usually the natural cause was that the embryo had something wrong with it, so that it couldn't survive. And it was better that this happened during the first months. It was always easier that way.
"I want Merlin!" Morgana gasped with begging eyes, squeezing Mirela's hand.
In the council chambers, Balinor and the counsellors had been talking about the collected taxes from the past year and now arguing about the raising of the taxes for the next year. The king wasn't willing to raise up the sum, and most of the council members weren't happy with that.
"Have you forgotten that Essetir is now a part of Camelot? It will bring a lot of new expenses."
"But it also brings new taxpayers. I see no reason to raise the taxes because we have more land. It is not the people's fault."
"My lord, your generosity is very noble, but the kingdom doesn't live on charity. You are the king of one of the greatest kingdoms in Albion, not a leader of some bloody druid village!" Sedwin, one of the council members, noted sarcastically. Then he gazed at the druid member of the counsel with apologetic expression, after saying it out unintentionally rudely. The druids were known of their good will and modesty. "No offense, Counsellor Theo."
Theo frowned but not unfriendly. "Not taken," he said. "But I do agree with the king. There is nothing wrong with some generosity towards our loyal people."
In the middle of all this arguing, Merlin got the feeling that something wasn't right with Morgana. All the voices around him quieted down as he concentrated to that sense. Then he heard Morgana's voice inside his head, calling for him like she had been somewhere far away. "Merlin, help...me..."
The warlock prince rose from his seat and got another silent telepathic message from his sister. This one was more clear, strong and anxious. "Merlin. Morgana needs you! We are in your chambers. Hurry!"
"Merlin, is there something you wanted to say?" Balinor asked, hoping that his son had come up with a good idea to end this mindless arguing. The boy stood still next to the great table like he had been off in a world of his own for a while.
Then Merlin gazed at his father, mother and all the other people around the table. "Aah... I have to go. Excuse me," he stated and hurried out from the room, leaving others puzzled about his behaviour.
Balinor followed his son with his gaze and then turned at Hunith by his side. "I wish I could do that too right now," he grunted whispering to her.
Hunith knew her son well enough to tell by the boy's face that something was severely wrong. And when Merlin seemed to hear something that others didn't, it usually had something to do with his sister.
"Please excuse me," Hunith said kindly and got up. All the men rose too. The queen squeezed Balinor's hand before leaving, giving him a pitying smile for leaving him on his own with the quarrelling counsellors.
"Traitors," Balinor whispered with an annoyed smile. Then he frowned, gazing his counsellors who sat back at the table continuing their quarrel.
Mordred sat on the floor, his back against the corridor's wall opposite Merlin's and Morgana's chamber's door. He had hands on his ears, because he couldn't bear to listen Morgana's cries anymore. He had just realized that he had accidently given her a double dose of the potion that morning, and that must have caused Morgana's suffering.
"Mordred?"
The druid boy startled as he noticed Merlin running at the door. "What's wrong with Morgana?" the warlock prince asked worried and glanced at his young servant.
Mordred get up from the floor, wiping his eyes. "I... I don't...know..." he stammered.
Merlin probably didn't even hear him as there was another pained cry behind the chambers' door. The warlock prince rushed in and found his wife curled up in a little ball, trembling with pain on their bed with bloody stained sheets and undergarment. The sight struck him speechless and suddenly so helpless.
Mirela was kneeled on the floor beside the bed, holding on Morgana's hand. And Alice sat on the edge of the bed next to Morgana, stroking her back with long strokes and enchanting a constant spell to ease her pain. It seemed that the pain was releasing its hold on Morgana and she gasped over her tears.
"It is over now, dear child," the physician whispered to her. Without looking at Merlin, Alice could tell that it was him standing behind her. "She is not wounded. This is not a place for men. Please leave us, Merlin."
Morgana raised her gazed at him, her eyes red with tears. Merlin's feet hardly worked as he stepped closer. All he would have wanted to do was to hold her and make everything better, but he didn't even know what was going on. "Morgana, what happened?" he whispered. Morgana shook her head, unable to say it out loud. She was sorry, and felt shame of him seeing her like this.
Alice gazed over her shoulder at the warlock prince. "There is nothing you can do here, my dear boy. If you want to help, ask Guinevere to prepare a bath."
"I'm not leaving until I know what is going on here," Merlin told upset. He tried to hold Morgana's hand but she pulled it away. "Do you want me to go?" he asked from her.
Morgana nodded quietly to Mirela and she rose up. "Come with me, Merlin," Mirela said, taking a hold of Merlin's arm and walking him out from the room.
"You summoned me here. Now tell me..." Merlin started as they reached on the corridor. Mirela hushed to quiet him down. She looked like she had been crying too.
"Morgana... had a miscarriage. I am so sorry, Merlin," Mirela explained whispering. "She wasn't aware of the pregnancy. Alice told that it must have lasted only a month or two."
Alice had also mentioned that she had never seen anyone suffering so severely in so early stage miscarriage.
Merlin heaved a sad sigh, covering his face in his palms. "Morgana was pregnant?" he repeated with shivering voice, tears creeping to his eyes. He wanted to go back to Morgana, hold her, and use his powers to undo the damage and loss what was done. But he knew that he was too late. "Then... what happened? What... what caused her to lose the baby?"
"We don't know what caused it. According to Alice, these things could happen in the first few months. I don't know, I have no experience of such. I couldn't help her. I didn't know how. I thought maybe you could... since you were able to brought me back from the dea..."
A sound of approaching footsteps left Mirela's sentence unfinished. She and Merlin turned to see their mother walking towards them, looking very concerned. Telling by her expression, she had over-heard their conversation. The empty corridors seemed to inconveniently carry even the quiet voices forward.
"How is she?" Hunith asked with worried voice, stepping close to Merlin, and touching his arm and then his wet cheek. Merlin only shook his head, not knowing what to say after what he just saw.
Hunith gave her boy a compassionate hug. "Such sad news. I am sorry, my darling," she said then and went to the door.
"Mother, Morgana doesn't want anyone to know..." Mirela started.
"What that poor girl needs now the most is a mother," Hunith said determinately and walked in.
She wasn't the only one who had over-heard the conversation of the royal siblings. Mordred was hiding on one nook of the corridor, wiping his wet eyes. He had never wanted to cause all that torment to Morgana or Emrys. And he didn't know what to do now. He couldn't face either of them.
When the visible marks of her misfortune were cleaned away like it would have never happened, Morgana sat numb in a bathtub full of steaming water. She heard Alice telling that she would bring her some sleeping draught later before she left. Morgana didn't react on that anyway. She would have just wanted to be left alone and sink into the water, but the queen was still in the chambers with her.
Hunith helped Morgana out of the bathtub and wrapped her inside a long towel, sitting her on a chair next to the fireplace. She made sure that the poor girl felt warm enough and threw a few more logs into the fire. Then she took a chair to herself and sat behind Morgana. "I know it doesn't feel like that now, but this is not the end of the world, my dear," she said quietly, and started to brush Morgana's long black hair with a silver brush.
Morgana gazed into the flickering flames. She didn't response. She didn't know what to think. She had grown up without a mother who could have told her about these things. She had learned to defend herself with a sword from early age. She had been taught to be strong. But losing that new life that had been growing inside of her, made her feeling defenceless, wounded and betrayed. She felt that she was betrayed by her own body, and her visions. She could handle the pain, but not such loss. She had lost her father just a few months ago and abandoned freely her former life in Dordona. It seemed like with every little piece of happiness she had gained in Camelot with Merlin, she had lost something in return. Was that the price she had to pay for the way of sorcery she had chosen?
Gentle strokes of the brush on her hair brought her back to the present.
"It is alright to grieve," Hunith said with compassioned voice. "But don't let the grief pull you down with it. You must believe that you couldn't have done anything to prevent it from happening. It was not your fault. You must not blame yourself."
Morgana swallowed quietly. "I'm sure you have something more important things to do than sit here with me, my lady," she whispered. She didn't want anyone's pity. And she didn't want anyone else to know about it. She was a princess now, and people of Camelot expected so much from her, especially because she was Uther's daughter. She believed that the sceptics and cynics would have loved to hear about her misfortune.
"There is nothing more important to me than my family. And you, dear Morgana, have become like a daughter to me. I'll do all I can to help you. If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know."
Morgana hesitated to ask: "Can I move back to my old chambers?"
Hunith thought that it was the room now that bothered Morgana. "If that is what you wish. We can arrange yours and Merlin's things to the guest chambers."
"No, I need to be alone. I can't face him. Not after the way he saw me..." Morgana sobbed. "I lost our baby. Merlin must hate me."
"Nonsense," Hunith whispered and placed her hand on Morgana's shoulder. "He loves you and feels awfully sorry that you had to go through this unfortunate event. I'm sure he will give you time if that is what you need, but don't push him away. You'll get through this together. And I promise you, that within time it will only make you two stronger. You both are so young. The whole life is ahead of you. Trust on each other and have faith. Love will heal."
Morgana put her hand over Hunith's hand. The queen was the closest thing to a mother she had ever have. And she was grateful for her support.
A lot later at the evening, Merlin knocked quietly on the guest chambers' door. Mirela came to open it and stepped out as she saw her brother.
"How is she?" Merlin asked whispering.
"Downhearted. She needs you but she is afraid to say it," Mirela said and touched her brother's arm before left him to see Morgana alone.
The warlock prince stepped in to the dim room that was lighted with only two candles and a burning fire in the fireplace. He placed the tray, he was carrying, on the table and noticed then that Morgana was sitting at the window, watching down at the dark courtyard. She looked sad but peaceful now.
The warlock prince had been heartbroken when he heard that his wife wanted to sleep in separate rooms. He had barely seen her after the sad incident in their chambers. At that morning they had been as close as two people could possibly be, and now there stood a silent wall between them.
"I brought your evening meal," Merlin said with a quiet tone. "And the sleeping draught that Alice asked me to give you."
Morgana turned her gaze at him like she had just then noticed him. "Thank you."
Merlin was quiet for a moment. "Are you feeling...?"
She nodded. "Yes, better now."
Both of them acted like they had been strangers of each other, like they had been afraid. Afraid of saying something that would have upset the other one. Morgana feared that Merlin couldn't see her the same way anymore, and Merlin thought that Morgana blamed him of what happened to her. Morgana had asked some space and Merlin had given it to her. To him it was hard to understand why she had turned away from him, not towards him, with her sorrow.
"Is there anything else you would need?" the warlock prince asked, and Morgana shook her head.
Merlin turned to leave but he didn't want to go. Morgana sighed as he was turning, wishing that he would stay. She just couldn't get those words out of her mouth to stop him. Merlin stood a moment in silence and turned at her with sad eyes. "I promised you once that I wouldn't forsake you, no matter what. And I won't forsake you now. I am sorry that I wasn't there by your side. And I am sorry that I couldn't save our baby. I will give you time and space, if that is what you want. But nothing won't stop me loving you."
Tears escaped from Morgana's eyes and she had to bit her lips to stop herself from crying. Merlin stepped closer to her. "Do you want me to go?" he asked, and Morgana shook her head again, reaching her hand towards him. She wanted to trust on Hunith's words, that love will heal. Merlin walked to her and took her hand, and Morgana pressed herself against him.
"Don't you hate me?" Morgana asked with trembling voice.
"No, of course not."
"It could have been our baby... your heir. I didn't even know... I should have known. I should have done something... to protect it..."
"It was not your fault."
"I thought you would be so disappointed with me."
Merlin took her face between his palms. "Nothing you ever do could disappoint me."
Morgana sobbed. "What's the point of having magic if I can't even know what is going on inside of me?"
Merlin was quiet. "Do you think it was because of me...? Because what we did this morning... The magic?"
Morgana shook her head. "No. I don't blame you either."
It was hard to talk about what had happened. It was a lot easier just to be close and held one another. They lay on the bed on their left side, Morgana's back against Merlin's front, holding hands, their fingers crossed. They felt that whatever happened, they were drawn back to each other. After a loss like this, they were going to have to learn to live again.
"Could you do that silly butterfly again?" Morgana whispered. And Merlin made a little cup with their palms, whispering a spell. As they opened their palms, a small, light turquoise butterfly winged off from their hands, and flew a few circles in the air until it disappeared away from their sight. They both watched that small creature's fluttering flight. It was like they said their goodbyes to the baby they couldn't have.
Mordred sat on the floor of his own chamber in the servants' courters. His blue eyes were nailed to the potion vial on the edge of his bedside table. He couldn't tell how long he had been staring at that cursed bottle. He only knew that he should have never obeyed the Circle's orders. Once he had believed that it would have been a great honour to be called by the Circle. It was said to be a sacred task to follow the druid elders' orders. Now he wasn't so sure about that anymore. He couldn't be loyal to the Circle and Emrys at the same time. He had to choose his side.
He couldn't forget Morgana's heartbreaking cries. He still heard them inside his head. He couldn't take the guilt anymore of the pain that he had caused her. His eyes flashed with gold, and his magic blasted the brown vial to pieces. Mordred gazed at the broken pieces of the vial on the floor next to him and picked up one sharp edged piece with trembling hands. Now he knew what to do.
There was a quiet knocking behind Theo's chambers' door in the evening. The druid elder sat behind his table, and raised his tired eyes from the scrolls and documents. "Yes?" The door opened slowly and Mordred stepped in, looking pale and anguished. Cold sweat was running down on the side of his cheeks.
Theo stood up, noticing from the boy's face that something was wrong. "Mordred? You don't look well. Please, close the door and have a sit," he said offering a chair next to the table.
Mordred had not been in that guest chamber before and he studied the room with a quick look. It looked different than the rest of the chambers he had seen, it was more modest. Theo didn't appreciate the splendor and lustre, and he had modified the room fitting for his own needs. One wall was covered with bookshelves all the way from side to side, and it was full with books and scrolls. There was a large bird cage on a table on one corner of the room, and there sat a pearl-white small owl in it. The druidic symbols were found on the walls and on the mantelshelf. Right now it pained Mordred to see that symbol, and he stayed on his place after closing the door.
Theo walked closer to the druid boy. "Has something happened?" he asked, getting worried of the boy's silence.
Mordred stared at him with red eyes. "Lady Morgana had a miscarriage today," he informed with a hoarse voice.
Theo heaved a sigh and folded his hands. "I'm sorry to hear that."
"Are you? Really?" Mordred asked gritting his teeth. "I thought you'll be happy."
Theo could hear bitterness from the boy's voice. "How far along was she?"
"Does it matter? She was in terrible pain... I thought that she was going to die."
The druid elder frowned. "But you gave her the potion regularly, didn't you?" he asked. The pregnancy shouldn't have been able to get very far with the right dosing. "I'm sorry we had to place this burden on your young shoulders, but you are the only one close enough Morgana. You must continue your task..."
"I will not poison her again!" Mordred growled.
"Remember, Mordred, that first and foremost you are a druid, and only secondarily come your loyalty to Emrys. The Circle summoned you. You are bound to follow our code," Theo reminded the boy.
"You told that you don't want to take lives. One life ended before it even begun! No. I'm done betraying Emrys and Morgana. I will not hurt her again. And I'll make sure you will not do it either," Mordred said with a sad, bit twisted smile and gave something, wrapped inside a white handkerchief, to the druid elder. "I will not serve the Circle any longer. I'm not a druid anymore," he whispered and walked away from the room. He had made his choice. Even it had been a painful one.
Theo unwrapped the handkerchiefs which inside layers were stained with blood. From there, he found a piece of skin with the tattoo of the druid symbol on it. The boy had cut it off from his own flesh, thus forsaking his place in the druid community and renouncing his family.
The druid elder let his pet owl out from its cage and sat down at the table worried. The white bird flew a circle in the room and then sat on the edge of the mantelshelf, staring at his master like begging for a treat. Theo stared back at the creature, thinking about the situation. The Circle had lost a valuable member. Mordred had become a threat. The boy could speak to Emrys or even worse to the king Balinor. Theo wished no harm to anyone, but the situation seemed to call for more desperate measures. He wrote a letter and gave it to his bird to take the news to the other members of the Circle. With the message he attached the piece of the druid boy's skin. CinĂ¡ed, their master of the dark arts, knew what to do with it.
