Judgement: Chapter 28
...
"Wake up, son." The soft, deep voice cut through the terrorizing flashes of his nightmare and pulled him from its violent scenes into the dim light of an unfamiliar room. He sat up panting and covered in sweat, confused about where he was and more confused by who it was who had woken him. He felt a rough, comforting hand resting firmly on his bare shoulder and he looked up into the concerned face of George Atwood.
"It was just a dream, son," George said quietly. "You're awake now. You're okay. Take a couple of deep breaths and I'll get you a glass of water."
Deeks was used to nightmares. He had them all the time, even under normal circumstances. What he wasn't use to was someone other than Kensi waking him out of them. George had turned on a small table lamp and in the warm light, Deeks leaned back against the headboard and watched the man coming toward him with a glass of water and he was surprised at the depth of feeling that suddenly touched him.
"Sorry I woke you," Deeks said after a few sips of water. "I won't let it happen again, I promise."
"Don't apologize for a nightmare, Marty," George said as he sat down on the bed. "You have no control over what comes to you in your sleep. Didn't your mom and dad ever tell you that?"
Deeks felt an old familiar jolt of fear and he quickly got up on the other side of the bed and walked into the bathroom, shutting the door. He leaned over the sink and turned on the water, filling both hands and splashing his face and running his wet hands shakily up and through his unruly hair. He had made that same promise to his own father many times and it surprised him that the same words had come out of his mouth tonight. The fear of what had always come after that promise was what had caused him to jump out of bed and seek refuge in the bathroom. He felt like a little boy again and he hated it.
"You okay in there?" George asked through the door.
Deeks opened the door with an embarrassed smile and slipped past George, careful not to touch him.
"Really, I'm sorry," Deeks said as he walked to the far window, grateful for the ever lightening sky.
George stayed where he was and that allowed Deeks the space he needed to calm down.
"Something tells me those are old hat for you," George said. "Are you afraid of me, Marty?"
"What? No, of course not," Deeks answered with surprise. "I'm a tough FBI agent and I used to be a cop." He used his best grin with that statement, but he could tell George wasn't buying.
"Do you know what I do for a living, Marty?" George asked softly. "I train cutting horses. They're used to move cattle and keep them from running off from the herd. I've trained a lot of horses over the years and worked with all kinds and I can always tell which ones have been abused. They're usually skittish and distrustful of kindness just like you."
Deeks was stunned. He stood rooted to the floor, staring at another man's father who had instantly recognized him for what he was after every nightmare, a scared kid who'd always had to pay for having them.
"Come on, Marty," George said as he started toward the door. "I'll make you some coffee. It's almost time to feed the livestock, anyway. Want to give me a hand? You in good enough shape to haul a couple of bales of alfalfa out to the horses?"
Deeks followed the sound of his voice into the kitchen and listened as he continued, telling him about the horses he owned and what they needed to do for them. George was careful not to touch him again and somehow that made Deeks a little sad, feeling the distance that people usually kept between them when they found out about his childhood. He felt exposed and uncomfortable. He had wanted Joe's dad to like him, but now he was pretty sure all he would get was either pity or ridicule. He hated the former and was used to the latter.
"Listen Mr. Atwood," Deeks said haltingly. "I can leave if you want me too. Joe's doing better and there are things I need to take care of back in LA."
"Marty, you've only been here three days," George said as he took his empty coffee cup. "You trying to get out of a little honest work?"
"No, of course not," Deeks said, confused that Joe's father didn't take the offer.
"Marty, remember what I told you the first day you got here?" George asked. "You're family now, son. Whatever you went through in your past doesn't change that. If you want to talk to me about anything, I'll listen and I won't judge you. Do you understand? You're safe here."
Deeks' eyes watered briefly with tears as George spoke. He didn't know what to say, so he just nodded and George clapped him hard on the shoulder and nodded back and then he turned toward the door and they walked out together.
...
"The horse won't hurt you, son," George said with a slight smile.
Deeks wasn't so sure about that as he stared into the deep brown eye of one of the biggest horses he'd ever seen. They had always scared the crap out of him and this one didn't look very friendly to him at all.
"Come on Deeks," Joe yelled from his lounge chair set up just outside the barn door. "Quit goofin' around and get on the horse. I'm beginning to think you're a chicken shit."
Deeks pulled his cowboy hat down a little lower over his eyes and tried to calm his nervousness. He had been feeding the horses for a few days now and this particular horse had taken to following him around the corral as he fed the others. Once, it had nudged him in the back with its nose, almost knocking him into the watering trough. George told him it meant the horse liked him, but he'd laughed when he said it, so Deeks wasn't too sure he wasn't just putting him on.
"Shut up, Joe. You're the cowboy, not me," Deeks shouted back at his partner.
"Just put your foot in the stirrup and climb on." George said softly. "It's as simple as that."
"What if he doesn't like me riding him?" Deeks asked as he rubbed his hands up and down on the legs of his blue jeans.
"He is a she, Marty," George said. "She's a mare. That's a female and she's had babies."
"This giant horse is a girl?" Deeks asked.
"Yeah, Deeks, same as you," Joe shouted.
"You really think she likes me?" Deeks asked, hesitantly petting the horse on the neck. "She's so soft."
"Horses don't usually follow someone around like she does you unless they're curious about you." George handed Deeks the reins and he cautiously put his foot in the stirrup and slowly mounted the horse.
"Does she have a name?" Deeks asked, hardly breathing as he sat nervously in the rather uncomfortable saddle. The horse looked back at him and then took a couple of steps, causing him to grab the pommel as his heart began to race.
"Whoa, baby." Deeks pulled instinctively back on the reins and the horse stopped.
"Her name's Sheila," George said. "Her first owner was an Aussie."
George nimbly mounted his own horse and swung him around toward the gate without even picking up the reins. Joe was clapping wildly and taking pictures with his iPhone, and Deeks knew he would never live this down when Kensi saw the pictures. He just hoped she didn't show them to Callen and Sam. Then he remembered he hadn't left on the best of terms with either man, and he regretted that. He didn't have long to dwell on it as Sheila began to follow George and his horse out of the gate. He took a deep breath and steeled himself for the coming ordeal.
George led the way down the road and then out across a pasture to the edge of the creek, where a well-worn path meandered alongside. George began to instruct him about riding and the proclivities of horses. As they walked the horses along the creek, Deeks began to relax as he listened to the calming voice of Joe's dad and became used to the gentle movement of the horse. He eventually looked up to take in the incredible scenery they were passing, the sharp cries of the birds along the creek reminding him of the gulls he listened for when he was about to go surfing. He had been prepared to hate riding a horse and the truth was he'd done it mainly to be able to spend more time with George Atwood. The man had welcomed him into his home and had made him feel safe and cared about and those were rare things for him and he didn't take them for granted. He was still a little standoffish around George, not quite sure how to act around him, but the man seemed to know when Deeks needed space and wasn't offended when he did.
They stopped at a bend in the creek and sat silently for a while as the horses calmly cropped grass. The view toward the distant Tetons was magnificent and Deeks understood how such a landscape could get inside a person. It was how he'd always felt about the ocean, and the thought made him nostalgic. As beautiful as this place was, he could never live this far away from the ocean.
"Joe told me you blame yourself for what happened to him and the others," George said as he looked out over the creek. "That true?"
"Yeah." Deeks was surprised at how blunt the man was and he squirmed in the saddle, unsure about where this conversation was going and not too happy about even having it.
"He said you two argued about it," George said, then laughed quickly before continuing. "He said he called you an idiot."
"Yeah, he did. They all think that, but they don't understand," he said.
"Joe shouldn't point any fingers," George said with a soft grunt. "It's exactly what he did when he came home wounded from Afghanistan. He lost half his unit and blamed himself just like you're doing now. Guess that comes with the territory. Guess you could say it happens to all of us at one time or another as we go through life."
"What do you mean?" Deeks asked as he turned to look at him.
George took his hat off and wiped his face with a hanky and took his time answering.
"It's survivor's guilt," George said. "When something happens to someone we love or think we should protect, we try to figure out why it happened and what we could have done to prevent it. It's mankind's conceit. We like to think we can control things, but we can't. And when we find out we can't, we have to find someone to blame and the easiest person to blame is ourselves."
"You're talking about yourself," Deeks said.
"When my wife was killed in a car accident, I blamed myself immediately," he said. "There was no question in my mind that if I had just made her stay home that day she would still be alive. And when my son Chris was killed I did it again. If I had not instilled in him a love of country and a sense of duty, he wouldn't have gone off to war and been killed."
"You can't blame yourself for a car accident and Chris was in a war," Deeks reasoned. "Their deaths weren't your fault."
"You seem so certain of that," George said. "But here you are blaming yourself for something you had no control over."
"But I did, George," Deeks said angrily. "If I had killed that man when I had the chance, men would still be alive and Joe wouldn't have almost died."
"So, you are the one person who held complete control over everything that happened," George said. "Well then Marty Deeks, you're a very powerful man and a prophet to boot, cause you must have seen it all before it happened."
"You're making me sound arrogant," Deeks said in a flash of anger.
"No, son. You're human, you just won't admit it," George answered.
Deeks took the reins and started to turn back, but George grabbed them and pulled him up.
"Why'd you become a cop, Marty?" George asked.
"What? Because I wanted to help people," Deeks answered.
"Did you become a cop so you could kill people?" he asked, moving his horse up close to his side and leaning toward him.
"No, of course not," Deeks said, trying to yank the reins from his grasp.
"So you believe in the law?"
"Yes, I do."
"You didn't kill that man Marty, because you're not a murderer," George said as he gripped his arm tightly. "You're a good man, sworn to uphold the law and that's exactly what you did."
Deeks ripped the reins away and turned his horse sharply around and kicked her into a run, leaving George to watch him silently as he galloped back toward the barn.
"He's gonna be sore tomorrow," George said to his horse and clucked for him to start home.
...
"What the hell did you say to him," Joe asked his dad softly as they stood on the porch watching Deeks drag bales of hay around until finally collapsing on top of them. All four dogs had stayed by his side since he rode back in and now jumped up on the bales and lay down around him, as he stared out toward the mountains as night began to fall. Joe could see Deeks rubbing Stinker's ears as Toby competed with Joker for position on his lap.
"He didn't eat any dinner," George said. "Wouldn't even take a beer from me."
"Dad, tell me," Joe said. "What did you say that ticked him off so bad?"
"You know he was abused as a kid, right?" George asked, ignoring Joe's question.
"Yeah and that isn't even the worst of it," Joe said. "Did he tell you that?"
"Didn't have to," George said, finally sitting down in the rocking chair. "Strange how we can never seem to escape from the things our parents saddle us with. Marty still hears his father's voice in his head and he still believes what he hears."
"You sure you're just a horse trainer?" Joe said. "You didn't go off and get a PHD in psychology while I was in LA, did you?"
"Son, I've seen a lot of messed up horses in my life," George replied. "People ain't that different, just a little smarter, but not by much."
"Think he'll leave?" Joe asked quietly.
"No. He feels responsible for you and he won't want to let you down," George said as he went back in the kitchen. When he came out he was holding some liniment. He tossed it to Joe and nodded toward Deeks.
"Better tell him to rub some that on his butt, or he won't be sittin' down much tomorrow," George said. "See you in the mornin', son."
Joe nodded goodnight to his dad and then stepped off the porch and headed for the barn, smiling as he tossed the liniment up and down in his hand and tried to come up with a great one liner to razz his partner with.
"Hey, Deeks," Joe called out. "Anybody ever tell you you're a pain in the ass? Well I've got the cure."
...
