Chapter 28
"Congratulations!" a chorus of voices sang cheerfully in the common room. A telephone stood in the middle of the table around which the group of doctors and other staff gathered. That very morning Teaspoon and Rachel had married on the other side of the ocean and their colleagues had wanted to be the first ones to congratulate them despite the distance keeping them apart.
Cheers and whoops followed and everyone started to talk at the same time trying to give the couple their personal wishes in a chaotic way. Emma raised her voice above everybody else's, trying to control the ruckus that had originated. "One moment! One moment!" Little by little the voices died away until the room became silent again. Emma picked up the receiver and turning off the hands-off button, she spoke up, "Rachel, honey. You know what this bunch is like, uncontrollable." The woman laughed and continued afterwards, "Have a blast there, and try not to think about work too much. And please send Teaspoon our love. We have everything under control here." Emma finally bid her goodbye, chorused by the rest of her colleagues.
After hanging up, the men and women in white uniforms remained there for a few minutes before starting their work day. All of them rushed to pour themselves a cup of steaming coffee, which at this time of the year was really welcoming. There were three days left until Christmas and lately every conversation centered on these special dates in the year.
"Mmm," Emily breathed with an almost static expression as she had her first sip of her coffee. "This tastes like heaven." She noticed the smirks around her and added, "You'd feel the same if you had been at the mall this morning. Gosh, it was absolutely packed that early. I got run over by a mob of compulsive shoppers and even had a fight with an annoying lady. I hate Christmas shopping!"
"I thought you had finished already, Emily," Emma replied.
"I wish," the receptionist continued in doleful ways. "Seems all my cousins have agreed to pay me a visit this year. Last night my cousin Beth called me to say she'd be joining us along with her four children... and her dull husband to boot."
"Oh dear," Emma exclaimed with an amused smile.
"Oh well, never mind. At least it's just once a year," the receptionist concluded and as she finished her drink, she added, "I better go before my reception becomes a mad house. Christmas is a dangerous time ... people tend to get crazy."
"Wait, Em. I'm going too," Jane called, joining her friend on her way out. As the door closed behind them, Cody turned to Ike and said, "I pity you, my friend. Seems you're in for an unforgettable Christmas." Ike made a gesture that clearly expressed what his thoughts were about the matter without saying a single word.
"William, Christmas is a family celebration," Emma cut in with a tone of disapproval. "My sister and her family are also coming to visit us."
"Poor Sam," Cody exclaimed, chuckling when the midwife sent him a murdering glance in his direction, which he ignored. "Fortunately, I got out of all that this year. I got myself an invitation to the best party in the city... all the sexiest people will be there."
"And are they really going to let you in?" Jimmy quipped, never missing an opportunity to make fun of Cody.
"Hickok, you're just jealous cause you can't get away from your own family dinner."
"Cody, for your information, Christmas is the only time in the year I have the chance to get together with my sisters," Jimmy explained, unaffected by Cody's scorning tone, "and I'm really looking forward to it."
"Well said, Jimmy," Emma added, patting the doctor on the back encouragingly.
There was a pause and Louise cast a look at Kid who was sitting across from her and hadn't said a word in all this exchange. He met her eyes as if he could feel on his skin that she was looking. Lou smiled and then asked, "What are you doing on Christmas Eve, Kid?" She was quite curious to know what his plans were. Everybody had been babbling on about the same for weeks, and she was tired of listening to their plans over and over again, but she had never heard him say a word about it.
"Nothing," Kid replied awkwardly, lowering his eyes to his mug of coffee.
"Nothing?" Lou repeated with a frown.
"Our friend Kid doesn't like Christmas," Hickok replied before the other doctor could say anything.
"That's not it," Kid protested. "I simply haven't planned anything. That's all."
Louise stared at him, understanding the subtle meaning of what he wasn't saying. She knew that Kid had an older brother who he only saw from time to time. Apart from him, he had no close family, and he probably had no plans because there was nobody he could spend that night with. A deep sense of melancholy overwhelmed her, imagining how sad he would feel for having to be alone at Christmas while everybody else was boasting about their magnificent Christmas plans.
"Kid," Samantha piped up, "I didn't have plans either until a few days ago. Steve is spending the holidays with his parents in the country. So I'm getting together with a few friends at my place, you know, we'll just be having a relaxing evening, nothing too fancy. You're welcome to join us if you feel like it."
Lou looked at the woman, feeling a bit annoyed. What was all that about? Wasn't she already with that Steve guy? What did she want from Kid now? Louise thought ruefully that despite everything Samantha seemed to be interested in him and she wouldn't give up.
"Uh... thanks," Kid replied to Samantha's invitation awkwardly. "I'll think about it and let you know."
On hearing his words, something snapped inside Lou, and an idea started brewing on her mind. Mumbling a quick excuse, Lou left the room. It wouldn't be surprising that Kid would end up accepting Samantha's offer despite everything that had happened between them. Feeling lonely on such a special date would persuade anybody to do things that they really didn't want to do. Company always lightened the sensation of loneliness and even though Kid had always hinted that he wouldn't get entangled with Samantha again, he might fall again if he felt especially vulnerable. Louise remembered feeling lonely when she had been a teenager, especially in that terrible year when she was sixteen. Lou would hate it that Kid had to feel lonely and miserable, especially when he was such a good person and didn't deserve to be alone.
Lou reached the office where she worked with Jimmy and went straight to the telephone. She dialed the number, waited for the call to go through and when a cheerful 'hello' sounded at the other end of the line, she said, "Theresa, it's me. Listen. I have a favor to ask you."
The screen kept flashing an error message over and over again, which was getting on his nerves. "Come on," Kid exclaimed in an impatient tone as she clicked the window shut. Once again he tried to open the file, but the ominous ping and the same message appeared before his eyes. "Damn hellish machine!" he barked irritated, banging his hand on the CPU unit as if that would miraculously solve the problem.
"Poor thing. What has it done for you to treat it so bad?" Kid swiveled around on his chair and saw Lou, smiling brightly in his direction, her side resting against the door frame. At once a goofy smile appeared on his lips. "Are you done torturing your computer or shall I come back later?"
"Please come in," Kid said while shutting off the computer.
Louise walked into the office, smiling from ear to ear, and sat down on the chair opposite him. "Kid, I have a proposition for you," she announced, her smile never faltering.
"A proposition?" Kid echoed, his curiosity swelling with her words and enigmatic smile.
"About Christmas Eve," Lou explained, leaning her crossed arms on the desk. "Do you remember my sister Theresa?"
"Uh... yeah," Kid replied, wondering what she was up to.
Lou lifted her lively eyes to him and asked, "How would you like to spend Christmas Eve with my sister?"
Kid frowned at her weird offer. "Wasn't she married, Lou?"
Louise chuckled, realizing for the first time how her words had sounded. "What I mean," she continued straightaway, "is that I'm going to Theresa's for Christmas Eve and maybe you'd like to join us." Lou cringed mentally for the small fib she was telling Kid. She had never had intentions to go to her sister's that night but had planned to spend it in the convent, but she wouldn't feel right with herself knowing that Kid would be alone in his apartment. Of course she couldn't invite Kid to have dinner at her home with all her other sisters and maybe just Father Maldonado, who sometimes came on special occasions. Kid would never accept a plan like that, and that was why she had thought about asking Theresa. When she had called her sister, she had accepted her request right away. There was still something left for her to do. She'd have to tell Marmee and ask her for a leave.
"You and me spending Christmas together?" Kid asked with a stunned expression.
"Yeah, that's right."
"Lou, I don't want to be a bother and ..."
"Nonsense!" she exclaimed, cutting him off. "It'll be fun. It's going to be just us, my sister and her family. We're just gonna have a nice, quiet dinner. My brother-in-law handles himself quite well in the kitchen... makes nice food, actually. Besides, if you're there, you will save me from embarrassment when Theresa and David get in a sappy mood."
Kid laughed at her comment. All his body and soul wanted to say yes, but a small voice kept nagging inside his head. He had sworn to himself that he'd do anything to break the bonds with Lou. They now had a cordial relationship, which was Kid's particular heaven and hell. Spending time with her made him feel high and exultant but at the same time it was killing him. The feelings that he had for Lou hadn't decreased a bit, but on the contrary. Knowing that she was a nun and out of circulation hadn't put him off and his fleeting affair with Gwen hadn't helped him either in that respect. Every time he saw her, all his desires and longing for her disarmed him completely. This was worse than an incurable disease because he just couldn't see an end to all this uncomfortable situation.
"Kid?" Lou urged him when he remained silent.
He met her eyes and despite all the reasons why he should say no, his desires were stronger and he found himself accepting. "I'd love to join you, Lou."
Louise's face lit up with a big smile as she exclaimed, "Good!" She jumped to her feet, feeling light-hearted and satisfied, like a child with a new doll and as she walked to the door, she said, "Trust me, Kid, it's gonna be a heck of a Christmas."
The door closed behind her and with a rueful expression he finally said, "Don't you know it well!"
Hidden behind the wall, she took a peek into her living room while a mischievous smile played on her lips. Her sister was at her table in a laid-back stance, talking and laughing with that handsome doctor she had brought with her. They were sitting very close together and if Theresa didn't know better, she'd say that Lou was flirting with him. In any case, there was something different and fishy in her behavior tonight. Theresa couldn't put her finger on it, but it was true that Lou was behaving very differently from what Theresa was used to seeing in her. Louise was strangely happy and cheerful... at least more than usual, and Theresa couldn't help but think that the man talking to her right now had something to do with it. Louise had told her that this very doctor had feelings for her, and Theresa was inclined to think that her sister wasn't as indifferent as she had told her she was that time.
Theresa had to admit that Lou was especially lovely tonight. She was wearing the pink, embroidered blouse and black, straight skirt that she had sent her sister last Christmas. Theresa had been surprised to see her appear in that attire. It was true that Lou wore her 'civilian' clothes more often than her habit. As she always said, clothes didn't make you what you were... a nun, a woman, or a clown. Things went deeper than that. Yet, she never missed wearing her habit on solemn occasions like Christmas or Easter. As far as Theresa knew, this was the first time she donned something else other than her religious apparel on Christmas Eve. When she had asked Lou about it, she had replied to her question in a very vague way, telling her that she simply didn't want to make Kid feel uncomfortable.
Her explanation to her choice of clothes wasn't the only thing that had surprised Theresa. Since Lou had called her, asking her if she and her doctor friend could have dinner with her and David, Theresa had been totally intrigued. This was the first time in many years that they would have dinner together on Christmas Eve. Lou had been posted in Guam for the last five years and on other occasions she had stayed in the convent, celebrating the Lord's birth with her other "sisters". Theresa had been pleasantly surprised when Louise had told her that she'd like to spend Christmas with her, but what had baffled Theresa completely was the fact that she wanted to invite the man who apparently had the hots for her.
A sigh escaped her lips as she continued watching the pair in her living room. Theresa had to admit that she tended to daydream and overuse her imagination, but this time she had many reasons to believe that Lou might be waking to a world that had been unknown to her so far... and she might even start having doubts about her vocation. Maybe she was experiencing a transformation and developing feelings for Kid.
Theresa knew that her sister had never been in love. When she was younger, she used to hang out with Frank Pike, and everybody used to say that she had a thing with him. Theresa knew better than that. Lou had never regarded Frank in other terms other than friendly ones. She had always known that he wasn't a good choice and Theresa knew that Lou had more sense than getting involved with somebody like him. Maybe back then Frank had a crush on her sister, but Theresa was positive that Lou had been just a friend. Apart from her friendship with Frank, no other man had taken a special place in Lou's life... until now apparently.
The notion that Lou might fall in love with the handsome doctor sitting at her table really pleased Theresa. When Louise had decided to become a nun too many years ago, Theresa had felt quite proud and used to boast about her older sister and her holy vocation as if she were some kind of consecrated saint. Yet, little by little that feeling had faded and been replaced by disappointment when she had started to experience what it meant to have a sister who was a nun. Louise was really committed to her religious vocation and her daily life was devoted to her duties and personal choices.
Since she got into the convent, Theresa hardly saw her, always busy either in all the institutions she was a volunteer or simply in the convent itself. Apart from that, there was always the possibility that she would be sent away to other communities within her sisterhood around the world like when she had been in Guam or when she would travel to Somalia this coming summer. With reluctance Theresa had gradually come to understand and accept what her sister had chosen, but she wasn't happy. However, now that she saw her with her friend, a light began shining at the end of the tunnel and though Theresa knew she was probably overstepping the limits of logic, she couldn't help but start daydreaming of what that would possibly mean for her life.
Steps resounded behind her and she turned her head to see her husband, carrying a tray with a coffee. "Theresa, what on earth are you doing?" David asked with a frown as she saw her hunch behind the wall.
"Shush!" the young woman ordered him in a whisper and turned her attention back to the scene she had been watching for the last ten minutes. David walked closer and followed the direction of her gaze and when he realized what his wife was looking at so intently, he sent her a confused look. Theresa turned her head to him and said in a low voice, "Aren't they cute, honey?"
David stared at her as if she had lost her head. "Theresa, please don't start."
Theresa frowned, slightly annoyed. "I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just saying that my sister seems to be enjoying the company of an interesting, attractive man for the first time in her life, and I can't say I'm not pleased."
"Theresa, stop getting those ideas. Your sister's a nun."
"So what?" the young woman replied with a serious expression. "She wouldn't be the first one to swap God for some earthly love."
"Oh yeah?" David replied with a skeptical expression. "Just tell me one."
"Uh..." Theresa hesitated for a moment and then she added, "Richard Chamberlain. He was a priest and hooked up with one of his lady parishioners."
"For goodness' sake, honey. That was a TV show, not real life!" David exclaimed, and chuckling at his wife's naiveté, he continued into the living room. "Here's coffee," he announced as he made his entrance, followed by Theresa.
Kid and Lou smiled at the couple and the latter asked, "Did she finally fall asleep?"
"Like a little angel. My poor baby was exhausted. She would normally have been sleeping for hours by now, but seeing her auntie always puts her in an exciting way," Theresa replied. After dinner she and Lou had tried to put the girl to sleep in her nursery, but the toddler wasn't in the mood. Louise had opted for finally leaving the nursery since her presence seemed to be the problem for the young girl not to want to sleep just yet.
Theresa sat next to her sister and left the baby monitor on the table opposite her. David was pouring coffee for the four of them and when he finished, he sat down on the seat opposite his wife and next to Kid. Theresa eyed the doctor in silence for a few minutes and then said, "Kid, we still haven't had the chance to talk about you. You know, when a baby is around, everybody else becomes invisible."
Kid smiled at her comment. "Especially when the baby is as cute as your daughter."
"What can you tell us about yourself?" Theresa asked bluntly, ignoring his comment. She intended to find out about the man who was clearly making her sister act so strangely.
"Tessie, don't be so nosy," Lou chastised lightly.
"I don't mind, Lou... honestly," Kid said and turning to Theresa, he asked, "What do you want to know?"
"Are you married?"
"No and I've never been."
"Children?"
"Nope."
"And are you in a relationship?"
"Negative too."
"And how is it that an attractive man like you doesn't have a girlfriend? Something wrong with you or what?"
"Tessie, please!" Lou exclaimed aghast. She had bitten her tongue at the barrage of questions Theresa was submitting poor Kid to, but with this last question she just couldn't keep quiet any longer. She hadn't brought Kid here to make him uncomfortable. "You're embarrassing Kid with all those personal questions!"
"It's just a question!" Theresa retorted. "It's not as if I'm asking him whether he's gay."
"Theresa!" Lou scolded again, totally shocked that her sister could say all those shameful comments about a person she hardly knew.
Kid had to chuckle at the bickering between the two sisters. "It's all right, Lou. I'm not offended." He paused briefly and shifting his attention back to her friend's young sister, he said, "Theresa, I like women all right, and I don't have a girlfriend cause... I've had bad luck with women, I guess." He cast a brief look at Lou, who averted her eyes quickly. Theresa noticed the strange exchange between the two and wiggled her eyebrows to her husband pointedly. David made an indifferent gesture, accustomed to his wife's tendency to imagine smoke where there was no fire.
The four of them finished their coffee, making small talk but this time without having Theresa pestering Kid with too personal questions. Then Theresa took the mugs and the coffee pot to the kitchen and Lou followed her, leaving the men alone in the living room since David had taken out his best whiskey and offered Kid a glass. Lou was glad that her friend seemed to get on well with David. When she had first invited Kid, she had feared that he'd get bored, but if his contented expression was any indication, he seemed to be having a good time.
"You two get on very well," Theresa remarked as she started washing the cups and the pot in the sink.
"Me and Kid?" At her sister's nod, she added, "We're good friends. Anything wrong with that?"
"No, of course not," Theresa continued. "Just surprised after what you told me about him. Made me wonder."
"We've left all that behind. I'm so glad that we've managed to reach an understanding."
Theresa stopped briefly as she wiped her hands. Her sister was either blind or naive if she really believed what she was saying. By the way the doctor looked at her everybody could see that he was crazy about her... no mistake there. What she wanted to know was what her sister really felt. Telling Lou directly what she suspected wouldn't be the right step to take. All she would get would be a firm denial from Louise and probably a put-down. So Theresa decided to use another tactic.
"Yeah, I can see what you're saying," the young woman replied to Lou's comment. "It's obvious that he has forgotten about that stupid idea of the two of you together. I always thought that couldn't be real."
Her comment didn't sit well with Louise and to Theresa's delight her features hardened and her smile vanished at once. "What's that supposed to mean? Is there something wrong with me as a woman or what?"
"Honey, of course there's nothing wrong with you," Theresa replied with a smile, enjoying the way her sister was falling into her trap. "But, Lou, you're a nun and that would put off any guy. When he didn't know, it was fine, and I'm sure he really found you appealing. But now that he knows, no way! It's kind of creepy for men... Trust me, I know what I'm talking about."
"So you think I... kind of disgust him?" Lou asked, her voice tinged with shock and even pain.
"Now, Lou, that's a strong word," Theresa hurried to rectify, fearing that she had gone too far with her comment. All she wanted was for Lou to feel hurt in her pride as a woman but not to think that Kid didn't feel anything for her, which was the furthest from reality. It had come up all wrong. "All I'm saying is that he sees you a woman worthy of his respect. You're a holy woman, so that's the feeling you usually inspire in other people. That's how Kid sees you now. That's what you want, isn't it?"
"Yeah... yeah... of course," Lou replied awkwardly, "but..."
"But what?"
"Uh... nothing," Louise concluded, shaking her head, a strange sensation running throughout her whole body. Suddenly, she felt very sad and even weepy, and didn't even know where all that rooted from.
Theresa noticed her sister's sullen countenance and turned round from her to hide the smile sneaking onto her lips. "Now that I think of it," she continued, "one of my colleagues would be a good match for him. Do you think he'd be interested in having a blind date with Sharon?"
"I don't know, Theresa!" Louise exclaimed loudly, feeling strangely annoyed.
"Something wrong, Lou?" Theresa asked, coming closer and locking eyes with her sister.
"No, nothing," Louise replied gruffly, averting her eyes and after catching a glimpse at the clock on the wall, she said, "Uh... Tessie, I'm going to pop out. I'll be back in half an hour... forty minutes at the most."
"Where on earth are you going now?" Theresa exclaimed as she saw her sister grabbing her coat from the closet in the hall outside the kitchen.
Lou walked back towards her and she fastened the buttons of her coat while she said, "To Midnight Mass."
"Can you skip it for once?" Theresa asked with an unhappy expression. "Those special masses last forever with all that chanting and other stuff."
"Not this one. I'm just going to the small chapel a few streets up. There are no frills or chanting there, and Father Sawyer isn't called Harley Davidson Sawyer for anything." Louise chuckled and as the voices and laughter of the two men reached her ears, she added, "You tell Kid I won't be long. He seems to be having a nice conversation with David, and if I tell him, he's gonna think he should leave. Please don't let him go before I get back, all right?"
Before Theresa could say another word, Louise crossed the length of the room and slid out of the place through the door at the end of the kitchen. Theresa stood there and as the door closed behind Louise, a terrible sadness settled in her as she muttered, "Oh honey, you don't even know what you're getting into. You poor thing!"
The chapel was almost empty except for a few people that were scattered in the few pews that filled the limited space in the small building. Lou knew that families and other neighbors would be attending the mass in the bigger church where the local choir would be singing their best Christmas carols and hymns tonight for everybody's enjoyment. Louise, though, preferred the silence of this quiet, little chapel where she could have a few minutes' prayer before the mass started. The altar was gracefully decorated with flowers and candles, and a beautiful nativity scene. The priest appeared and Louise quickly closed her New Testament that she had opened up at the Christmas chapter in St. Luke and instead she took her mass book while she rose to her feet for the entrance greeting.
A person came to stand next to her at the pew and as she cast a glimpse at him out of curiosity, her mouth fell open in surprise to find Kid and she sent him a what-are-you-doing-here kind of look. He smiled at her and while the priest recited the initial prayer, he leaned over to her and whispered in her ear. "You thought you'd get rid of me? You're stuck with me for the rest of the night."
Lou's mouth split into a wide smile as her eyes kept looking at him with a pleased expression. She momentarily forgot where she was and only when Kid shifted his body and his attention towards the altar did she snap out of her momentary distraction. At once she turned her eyes back to the priest at the front, bearing a wide smile and a glow over herself that challenged the brightness of every single candle around the chapel.
Once the mass was over, Kid and Louise stepped into the cold night, puffs of white air coming out of their mouths. The stars shone above their heads and then Louise said, "It's a beautiful night...freezing but nice."
"Are we going back to your sister's now?" Kid asked as he tied a scarf round his neck.
"Actually, it's a bit late for me, and I should walk back to the convent," she replied, lowering her eyes to the frosted ground under her feet. "I don't think Theresa will be waiting for us now."
"You mind if I walk with you there?"
"You don't have to."
"I want to, Lou," Kid replied. "And the stroll will help to burn down some of the calories of that scrumptious meal your brother-in-law cooked for us tonight."
Louise smiled and without a word they started ambling down the street. Neither talked as they walked along. Kid kept sending furtive looks at Louise and couldn't stop thinking how lovely she looked under the dark night, her face glowing just in the light of the street lamps they passed by. Mentally he was cursing himself for being so thickheaded. He had been repeating himself for weeks that he had to break all bonds with her and here he was getting entangled in her web deeper and deeper. Not only had he been so foolish as to accept her invitation for dinner, but now he came out with this ridiculous idea of walking her home as if he were courting her in that old-fashioned way.
The thing was that he just couldn't help it and wasn't sure what hurt him more either stopping all contact with her or being so close to her with the knowledge that she would never be close enough. Kid just didn't know what to do any longer. He kept deluding himself and even tonight he had got to think that there was something going on between the two of them. There was a certain air of what people called chemistry between them, and he had felt it tonight stronger than ever. Maybe it was just his wishes and imagination but it hurt like hell.
"Well, this is it," Lou announced as they stopped before a large building. Kid looked up at the high red-bricked convent. He had driven Lou here a couple of times, but now that he could have a closer look at the building he could see how impressive it was.
"This place's magnificent," he said admiringly.
"Uh yeah... quite old actually. I could show it to you one of these days," Louise replied.
Kid shook his head as he replied in a very serious voice, "I don't think so."
Tonight's easy atmosphere had vanished, and Lou felt the awkwardness of lately fall over them again. She smiled grimly, but Kid remained very serious and after a few moments she said, "I have to go. It's been a lovely evening. Thank you for walking me home."
Louise turned to go, but his voice stopped her. "Lou, wait!" She looked at him questioningly and Kid added, "I have something for you." He rummaged in the pocket of his coat for a few moments and finally produced a small package. "A Christmas present for you."
"Kid, you shouldn't... you..." she stammered, feeling strangely uncomfortable.
"Open it," he stopped her protests. She locked eyes with him for a second and then proceeded to unwrap the package. A little jewelry box revealed itself and when she pushed the lid open, she discovered a gold chain and small engraved medal.
"Oh Kid..."
"Do you like it?"
"Yeah... but you really shouldn't," she repeated again. She lifted the medal to her eyes and had a closer look under the light of the street lamp which they stood under. "It's St. Rita of Cascia..."
"Patron Saint of loneliness and impossible dreams," Kid filled in, looking her in the eyes directly. "Now you have something you can remember me by. A lonely wolf with impossible dreams."
"You're more than that," Louise whispered softly while clasping the chain round her neck. Kid took a step closer, and as she looked up, she realized how close they were, but she didn't move an inch. "Lou, can... can I... can I give you a hug?"
Almost automatically Louise took a step backwards while she muttered, "I... I don't think that's a good idea."
"Why not, Lou?" he retorted with a hurt expression. "We're friends, aren't we? And friends hug."
"I..." she tried, but she couldn't come up with a coherent excuse, so she simply nodded her agreement.
Kid smiled softly and after pausing briefly to look into her brown eyes, he threw his arms around her body, bringing her closer. A whimper almost escaped from his lips as his body pressed against hers. She felt so good... so soft... so wonderful. It wasn't the first time they hugged, but it was different. All his five senses were totally focused on her and he couldn't even think straight. Kid breathed in deeply, feeling intoxicated by her soft, familiar scent. The fingers in his hand extended as much as possible to feel her clothed, sweet back with almost his naked soul, and the soft murmur of her breathing sounded like music to his ears. Wrapped up in his own rapture, Kid shifted her head slowly, eying the beautiful pallor of her neck and before he could think what he was doing, his lips moved towards it as his whole self got shaken by an urgent need to taste her.
Lou stiffened when she felt his mouth on her neck and she pulled away roughly. Her cheeks were burning and her lips stretched into a strange smile as she lifted her gaze into his eyes, which looked at her with a hurt and angered expression.
"It isn't fair, Lou!" he exclaimed loudly, not caring who might hear him. "It isn't fair," he repeated in a softer tone. "You can't imagine what you do to me, what you mean to me. I constantly dream about the kind of life we will never have and I'm tired of dreaming."
"Please, Kid, don't spoil it."
Despite her words, Kid continued regardless. "We would have a full life, Lou. Every day after work we would cuddle on the sofa, watching a sappy movie while chatting, laughing, loving... and later I'd make love to you... all night long. And my day would start perfectly by just beholding your beautiful face. Lou, I would put my heart and soul to give you the happy life you deserve." He stopped briefly and then continued with the same bitter expression. "If you only knew how you make me feel... I don't know what you've done to me, but you've changed me completely. Nobody has ever meant so much to me... never. I know we're perfect for each other and it's not fair."
A sigh escaped his lips and he threw his arms to the sky in despair. Louise took a few steps closer to him and resting her hands on his tense shoulders, she said, "Kid, honey. I'm sure you'll have all that with a wonderful woman that will appear in your life sooner than you think. You'll feel all that and more for her."
Kid looked down into her bright eyes and replied, "You don't understand, do you?" He let out another sigh and regretting his outburst, he turned from her and added, "Please forgive me, Lou. I have no right to demand anything from you. I shouldn't have thrown a tantrum like a spoiled brat. It was a perfect night and I ruined it with my nonsense."
"It is perfect," Louise contradicted him. "I gotta go now." She came closer to him and gave him a quick peck on his cheek. "Merry Christmas."
Kid stood there, watching her go inside the building and when the stout door creaked closed, he let out a sigh for the umpteenth time that night, went round on his heel and shuffled away.
Inside the darkened convent, Lou flopped against the closed door. She felt a bolt of pain as she remembered Kid's sad expression and words. The night hadn't turned out to be as she had hoped. Yeah, they had had a lovely dinner and nice conversation, but his last words had shown her that all she had managed was to make Kid even more miserable. Tonight she had realized that Kid's feelings for her went far beyond a mere infatuation. No wonder he was suffering and all because of her. How could she end his suffering? Every day she prayed to God that He would send a nice girl to him. A sweet, caring woman, who could share his dreams, his life, his choices; somebody with firm values and a good heart.
Louise sighed in the dark hall and started unbuttoning her coat. She hung it on a peg next to a door and kicking off her shoes, she picked them up and headed for her room, making sure she didn't make any noise. As she padded past the small patio, she saw light coming out of Marmee's office. Surprised, she approached and knocked on the opened door. "Mother?"
The older woman smiled and rose from her chair. "Louise, please come in." Lou did so and Marmee asked, "Did you have a nice dinner?"
"Very good, thank you."
The older nun averted her eyes and as she sat down in an armchair, she asked, "That man you were with... who is he?" Lou sent her a surprised stare and the other woman added, "I just had a glimpse through the window and happened to see you."
Louise blushed awkwardly wondering how much Marmee had seen or heard. She had nothing to hide and had done nothing to be frowned upon, but still she felt uncomfortable if Marmee thought that there was something fishy going on. She hadn't told any of her sisters about the special situation between her and Kid. That wasn't something she could flaunt freely.
"That was Dr. Kydd, my first supervisor. I heard that he was spending the night on his own and I asked him to join me and Theresa," Lou explained breezily, as unconsciously her hand flew to fondle the medal Kid had given her.
Marmee eyed her with curiosity, noticing the new chain round her neck but she didn't say anything about it. "Is he the reason why you wanted to celebrate Christmas elsewhere?"
Louise shrugged her shoulders. "You already know me."
Marmee nodded with a big smile and added, "You've always been very soft-hearted." She paused briefly and adopting a more serious tone she said, "You must be wondering why I'm still up."
"I thought you were waiting for me like a worried mom," Lou replied with a smile.
The woman didn't respond to the gesture and remained with a serious expression. "There is news. Have you ever met Sister Helen from the community in Philadelphia?"
"No, I don't think I have," Lou replied, casting her mind back to the few general meetings of the sisterhood she had attended.
"She died yesterday... a heart attack. God bless her." Lou didn't reply, fully aware that Marmee was telling her all this at this ungodly hour of the night for a reason. "She was a very active sister in the community apart from being a teacher at our school there. Another sister is going to replace her in her duties, so you can imagine that there's going to be some movement in the order quite soon. They need somebody experienced and reliable to fill in the post as a Mistress of novices … at least from now until the summer. "
Louise instantly panicked as she understood what Marmee wasn't saying. Her heart started pounding in her chest as she exclaimed, "They can't send me away. Not now!"
"Louise, it hasn't been decided yet. I shouldn't actually be telling you, but I thought you needed to be prepared just in case."
"But I'm supposed to go to Somalia in the summer!"
"That would stay the same," Marmee replied. "Your name has been mentioned. After all, this convent is not your permanent house either."
"But what about my fellowship? I've been working so hard," Lou protested vehemently, feeling that the air had been sucked out of her lungs. Unexpectedly the image of Kid popped into her mind and the notion of saying goodbye to him filled her with utter terror.
"Maybe you could finish your training in one of those cities... it can be fixed somehow. In any case, you know this is our life and our duty to God is more important than our personal choices," Marmee concluded in a practical tone.
"Marmee, I can't go... please I just can't go," Louise begged in despair, her voice shrill as her hands clung to the other woman's clothes. "Please, Mother, you have to talk to them and convince them to let me stay here. "
"Louise, what's wrong with you?" Marmee exclaimed completely baffled by the young woman's attitude. "This is not like you. What's happening?"
Her words managed to calm her down, but fear had taken grip of her soul and she felt like crying. "I don't know... I..." Her voice trailed off, incapable of finding the words or the sense of what she wanted to express.
"Louise, I think you're just tired. Why don't you go to bed? Tomorrow everything will look brighter." Lou nodded and rising to her feet, she started towards the door. "And Merry Christmas," Marmee added with a smile before she scurried away.
"Merry Christmas," Lou muttered without even turning her head. She didn't want her to see how upset she was and how her eyes were filling with tears. She was so scared... terrified and she didn't even know why. Never before had she felt so overwhelmed by circumstances. Nothing of this was new to her, but she didn't know why she was feeling so miserable right now. It had been a perfect Christmas Eve that had ended up in the worst possible way.
