*So… I suspect you've all forgotten it by now, but does anyone remember my parody of Katy Perry's Roar back in Chapter 10? Well, this chapter, a parody of Katy Perry's California Girls, is a bit of a sequel to that one, I suppose. Not really, but it does refer to that one quite a bit. So… recap of what happened in that chapter: SHIELD girls' night and guys' night. Guys night (headed by Tony and a reluctant Loki) spied on girls night (headed by Pepper and Naomi). The guys were unfortunate enough to witness all the girls singing about how awesome Thor is. This oneshot is supposedly taking place maybe a day or two or three after that girls and guys night. And to all the nitpickers out there… yes, I have seen Age of Ultron. However, since in Chapter 10 I had not, and this chapter is linked to Chapter 10, we'll just say Clintasha AKA BlackHawk is intact. Okey? Okey.
Midgardian Girls
Pepper Potts and Naomi Carson sat like nervous schoolgirls at a desk across from Nick Fury.
"We just want to make it up to them for what we…" Pepper cleared her throat and scratched the back of her neck. "…What we did."
"…Yeah… seems like they just might have been scarred for life," Naomi agreed under her breath.
Fury smirked slightly. "Yes… it certainly seemed like Tony and Loki and Clint were never going to recover after they saw all of you singing about… what was the exact phrasing of it? All girls have a crush on Thor?"
Pepper and Naomi blushed in guilty embarrassment and shame. "…They weren't supposed to be watching us," Pepper muttered mutinously. "So… is it alright?"
Fury looked down at the sheaf of papers he had been handed when the ladies had walked into his office. "…Is it really necessary?"
"We think it'll smooth things over with them," Naomi shrugged.
Fury hummed in acknowledgment, eye scanning the papers. "It just might make things up to them. But I'm not sure I can endorse this plan."
The two women looked at each other despairingly.
"…Unless, of course…"
They brightened and looked at the director eagerly.
"Well…" Fury looked a little sheepish. He turned the papers around and stabbed a finger at a specific section. "…This part. Do you have a plan for who's going to do it?"
Pepper blinked in surprise, and Naomi's mouth fell open.
"…We were thinking… we could get Darcy or maybe Hill or… one of us girls to do it," Naomi said slowly. "…Why? Did you want to…?" She quirked an eyebrow slightly.
Fury cleared his throat. "…I'll allow you ladies to do this if I'm allowed to contribute." He tapped the area of the paper again.
Pepper and Naomi exchanged a look. They shrugged, suppressing smiles, and nodded to each other.
"Sure," pepper smiled. "You can have that copy, then, to memorize your part. We'll, ah…" She bit her lip, trying not to giggle at the look of triumph on Nick Fury's face.
Naomi jumped in. "We'll get things ready. Call the girls together. Will you send out the email to make sure all the guys are there?"
"Of course," Fury actually, truly, legitimately smiled. "You guys go and make the rest of the preparations. Tomorrow night?"
"Tomorrow night," the women chorused, jumping up from their seats.
00000
The next night, all the SHIELD men were gathered in the gym of Stark Tower, which now looked like it had been decorated for a middle school dance. There were chairs around the perimeter of the room, tables with refreshments against one wall, silver streamers hanging from the ceiling, cardboard cutouts of skyscrapers in various places at random, and a totally clear space in the center of the expansive room with a slightly raised platform for dancing.
Tony, Clint, Loki, Thor, Steve, and Bruce were bunched together in one corner, surveying the room. Other SHIELD agents were in similar little huddles, unsure of what exactly to expect.
"…So what's going on, anyway?" Bruce asked. "Any ideas?"
"You got the same email from Fury as all of us, didn't you?" Steve asked. "Said we're getting briefed for a mission or something…?"
"Obviously a lie," Clint dismissed. "However, it reminds me very much of the email that got sent out to us a few days ago…" he shot a death glare to Tony. "…That one that Tony issued to all the SHIELD agents informing them about a mission, when really we were getting coerced into a guys' night, and the girls were tricked into a girls' night."
Tony held up his hands." Hey, don't look at me. I had no hand in this. I just got the same email you all did. Wasn't me. Besides, would I have made a guys' night be in here?" He waved his hand around at the decorated gym. "Looks haphazard and strange. I would have just had us all in a living room to screw around. This looks like someone just organized a prom night for an underfunded high school."
"Not to mention the fact that I don't think anyone will be organizing a real guys' and girls' night for some time," Loki added sullenly. "After the… mishap."
"It was no mishap," Thor protested. "You were simply watching something you should not have been."
Clint, Loki, and Tony just let out a humph collectively and pointedly looked away from Thor.
"…So does anyone know where Fury is so we can just ask him what the deal is?" Steve asked worriedly, looking around the room.
Heads turned in every direction, necks craned, and eyes searched.
"…Don't see him," Bruce said slowly. "Where is he, anyway? He's always the first one here, except for Coulson…"
"Coulson's here," Tony input, nodding to a group of SHIELD agents engrossed in their own conversation. "No Fury, though."
"Any ideas about why all the guys might have been summoned to stand around in a bad representation of a middle school gym?" Clint asked.
All of them shook their heads.
"Think they're having girls' night somewhere else in the tower?" Loki asked slowly.
"Who cares?" Clint muttered mutinously. "I never want to even think about what they might do at girls' nights. Not after last time." Another glare was thrown to Thor.
The god of thunder held up his hands. "Do not look at me! It was not my fault that they began singing about me!"
Suddenly all the lights in the gym went out, and there were surprised cries around the room. The guys bumped into each other, and a few of them reached for their guns, not sure if they were under attack. There was a definite sound of whispering and scuffling throughout the room, and suddenly it seemed like the room was fuller than it had been moments before—the men just had the sense that there was a disturbance in the Force somewhere…
Light temporarily blinded them as there was an overpowering white light turned on in the middle of the room, over the dance floor. Immediately, everything went quiet. All the men just stared.
On the slightly-raised platform in the middle of the room, a group of ladies were standing together, looking for all the world like the Pussycat Dolls had just gotten back together for a concert in the middle of Stark Tower. Natasha, Pepper, Naomi, Jane, Darcy, and even Agent Hill struck poses, wearing tank tops under tight leather jackets, and black denim skirts or shorts that never would have been worn by them under other circumstances.
A few of the guys exchanged bemused looks, bewildered.
A kind of pop beat began playing in the background, emanating from the speakers, creating a surround sound effect.
Darcy Lewis lifted her microphone to her mouth and said, "Good evening, gentlemen… let's take a journey." She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.
Jane then burst into song, singing into her microphone as the other ladies began snapping their fingers to the beat.
"We know a place
Where they don't believe in magic."
She looked towards Thor and grinned.
Pepper picked up the next lines, her eyes searching the crowd to rest on Tony.
"All about style
We've got a thing for the dramatics."
Everyone surreptitiously threw a smirk to Stark, who had begun to grin.
Natasha took the next pair of lines, singing confidently.
"Workin' under SHIELD
We try and think a little smarter."
"Uh huh," the other women agreed.
Naomi sang next:
"The guys that we know
Get their hearts filled with deep ardor."
"For us," the women sang together.
Naomi threw a mischievous wink towards Loki, who couldn't help but smile a little.
Then all the girls lifted their microphones to their lips and chorused,
"You could travel the nine realms
But you'll always go crazy
For the Midgard ladies!
Once you've met with these gi-irls
You'll know that the best are on this wo-o-orld!"
A few of the men in the audience whooped their approval and wolf whistled as the girls came to the chorus.
"Guys know Midgard girls are irresistible!
Quick-witted, and gorgeous as well
Chicks like this don't live on any other realm!
Oooohhooohhhooooohhhh!"
The women threw their arms in the air and jumped up and down as they continued, dancing around their makeshift stage.
"Guys know Midgard girls are indestructible!
We get through fights with barely a scratch!
Girls from other realms have finally met their match!"
This time, about half the guys joined in for the collective "Oooohhooohhhooooohhhh!"
Things went a little quieter for a second as Natasha sang the next lines,
"Fights…. In the street.
Men aren't the only superheroes!"
There were some catcalls and laughs from the guys, while Clint cheered loudly, earning a few slaps on the back from his fellow men.
"Shawarma's where we'll eat!"
Naomi and Natasha chorused together, and then all of the women cried,
"AC/DC on the stereo!"
Tony fanboyed.
Once again, the ladies harmonized together, snapping their fingers to the beat.
"You could travel the nine realms
But you'll always want the kisses
Of the Midgard misses!
Other girls might be fumin',
But that's just cuz they know the best women are human!"
No exceptions this time: all the men cheered, and then rushed to the edge of the dance floor, clapping and hollering and generally creating a moshpit as the women sang their chorus.
"Guys know Midgard girls are oh-so-lovable!
Bachelorhood starts to fall apart!"
Tony pretended to swoon as pepper quirked an eyebrow at him.
"Words and smiles so soft—
There goes your hardened heart!
Oooohhooohhhooooohhhh!
Guys know Midgard girls are so incredible!
Sexism can say its goodbyes:
We've got no problems
Keeping up with the guys!
Oooohhooohhhooooohhhh!"
Everyone stopped and turned when another voice started, its source unseen.
"Girls from any other realm
Only serve to underwhelm…"
The guys looked at each other in disbelief. Was that… who they thought it was? Very slowly, they turned to see… Nick Fury. The SHIELD director was walking into the gym wearing dark tinted sunglasses in place of his usual eye patch, and a heavy leather jacket instead of his epic trench coat, and… gold chains hanging around his neck with dollar signs on them. He strode purposefully towards the center of the room, and, wordless, the men parted the way for him to stand in the midst of the Midgard Girls. To their astonishment, Fury rapped into his microphone while the ladies forced themselves not to grin and laugh too much.
"Wild, wild human race.
For worthwhile girls, this is the place.
They're so much fun
They can shoot a gun
Kickass, awesome, leave ya stunned."
On cue, Maria Hill, Natasha Romanoff, and Naomi Carson pulled guns out of their jackets and cocked them, while Pepper Potts, Jane Foster, and Darcy Lewis produced tasers.
"Keep their sense
When things get tense
Here's my two cents:
They're the best
I confess
They'll drive you crazy:
All the awesome Midgard ladies."
In turn, he pointed from Jane and Darcy to Natasha and Naomi.
"Scientists and superspies,
Belittling them is quite unwise."
The girls pretended an offended gasp, hands over hearts or covering mouths.
"Agents,"
Fury continued, pointing to the audience, who was still distantly baffled at their director's appearance and performance.
"There's just no doubt
Other realms can eat their heart out
Astrophysics, ballistics,
Logistics, statistics—
They're all terrific!
Sassy assassins?"
"Yeah," the women chorused, striking poses again.
"So full of passion!"
"Uh huh!"
"Even guys come down from Asgard,
Cuz all the best girls are on Midgard!"
Fury let out a theatrical laugh, making everyone stifle giggles.
The girls took up their singing again, twirling and sashaying while Fury backed away and simply looked on.
"Guys know Midgard girls are irresistible!
Quick-witted, and gorgeous as well!
Girls like this don't live on any other realms!
Oooohhooohhhooooohhhh!
Guys know Midgard girls are indestructible!
We get through fights with barely a scratch.
Girls from other realms have finally met their match!
Oooohhooohhhooooohhhh!"
Everyone, from the women to the men to Nick Fury began chanting "Midgardian girls! Midgardian girls! Midgardian girls! Midgardian girls!" until the music faded out, at which point loud cheering erupted from everybody in the entire room.
The girls on the makeshift stage hopped off and dispersed into the crowd, followed by more cheering and wolf whistles.
Jane launched herself into Thor's arms, and they both laughed. "What did you think?" Jane asked loudly over the noise.
"I quite agree with your song!" Thor boomed heartily with a grin. "I have never heard you sing before!"
Jane just shrugged self-consciously with a small smile. "Naomi and Pepper called and asked if me and Darcy could help them with something. Once we found out what it was, we couldn't resist."
"I am glad you came, Jane Foster," Thor smiled.
Pepper squeezed through the crowd and made it to Tony. Before she could ask how he had liked the show, though, she was being lifted off her feet by the billionaire and kissed.
"You guys have got to do stuff like that more often!" he announced when he released her. "That was absolutely amazing, stunning, and dear, you seriously need to do more."
Pepper shook her head with a laugh and slapped Tony lightly on the shoulder.
Natasha sidled up to Clint with raised eyebrows, merely waiting for his reaction.
Clint was grinning like an idiot, still clapping when she walked up. "Well, then!" he said simply. "That was fun!"
Natasha cracked a smile. "Yeah, Naomi and Pepper and Fury had us rehearsing like, all day."
"It paid off," Clint informed her. "You did great. All of you did great," he amended with a half-smile.
"Thanks, Clint," she nodded with a grin.
Naomi edged through the mass of people, looking for Loki. A hand rested on her upper arm and spun her around to see him with a smirk on his lips as he shook his head at her.
"Did you plan all that?" he inquired, nodding vaguely around the room.
Naomi beamed and shook her head. "Me and pepper wanted to make it up to you for last guys' night being ruined, you know?"
Loki couldn't help but chuckle. Suddenly last guys' night seemed so stupid and trivial. That's all their singing was, right? This song, the one about Thor, it was all in jest.
"Mission accomplished?" she raised her eyebrows at him hopefully.
Loki grinned and shrugged. "Suppose so. Congratulations."
Naomi fistpumped, then stood on tiptoe to kiss Loki on the cheek.
Darcy awkwardly strolled over to Bruce and Steve, who stood laughing and watching the other girls reunite with their guys of choice. "Hi," Darcy raised her hand in greeting.
Steve and Bruce glanced to her and offered polite smiles.
"Good show," Steve commented as if making an observation on the weather.
"It was fun to watch," Bruce agreed.
Darcy grinned. "…Yeah…" She stood next to them and watched as the couples and various SHIELD agents started to spread out, going to seats or else hopping up on the dance floor as more music started up to dance along to.
"…Is Stark Tower always this fun?" Darcy asked over the noise.
Steve and Bruce exchanged looks.
"Yes," Steve nodded at the same time Bruce firmly declared, "No." They paused and looked at each other again, reconsidering. "No," Steve conceded at the same time Bruce nodded, "Yeah."
Darcy looked bemused. "…Sounds interesting…"
"Yes," both men said in unison. Then all three of them just started laughing.
Off in the corner of the room, Maria Hill stood with Director Fury. "So," Hill said. "You think the ladies are forgiven?"
Fury took off his sunglasses and polished them on his t-shirt before replacing them with a flourish. "I would say so. Nice backup singing, Hill. But I don't recommend wearing that outfit to work." He nodded to her leather jacket and black denim shorts.
"Yeah, I'm not really planning on it," she sighed. She looked back over the rest of the room. Jane and Thor were dancing, and so were Pepper and Tony, along with Agent Coulson and a few others. "Looks like things worked out well, despite the flaws in the plan. Who exactly made the genius decision to force you into rapping?"
Fury turned slowly to her. "…Me, actually. I did it voluntarily. Didn't you like it?"
The agent froze. "…Yes, sir. It was superb," she said stiffly as she turned pale.
"Thank you. I had funn doing it."
Hill made a mental note to never participate in any parodies that included rapping. Fury would probably insist on taking that part.
Note from LoquaciousQuibbler: …Well… eh… eheheheh um… personally, I had fun with it :P You? Approve? Disapprove? Never have Nick Fury rap again? Have him rap forever and always in every parody including a rap ever to exist in the future? Joking *snicker snicker* When I told my little sister I was going to be having Nick Fury do the Snoop Dogg parts of this song, she was very deeply disturbed, but I decided to go ahead with it anyway.
To get in the mood for parodying this song, I looked up other parodies. There are sooooo many parodies of this song XD Texas Girls, New York Girls, Kansas Girls, Philadelphia Boys, California Dorks, Comic Con Girls… I could go on. But basically I am proud to be adding my own parody to the huge collection of California girls parodies XD
So, I also had a couple of other lines, or versions of lines, that I wanted to put in the parody, but didn't manage to for one reason or another. I usually have this happen, but this time I actually want to share the discarded lines with you. So… just a few of the examples are…
For the hook:
You can travel the nine realms, but there's no one as slick as the Midgard chicks
Or
You could travel the nine realms, but you'll always be grinnin' for the Midgard women
Or
You could travel the nine realms, but there's nothin' like datin' a Midgard maiden
I also wanted to put a "Mortals represent: now put your hands up! Oooohhooohhhooooohhhh!" somewhere in there, but that didn't happen… so yeah. :P So… I think I am now done ranting and raving and… stuff.
Original song is California Girls by Katy Perry.
I hope you all enjoyed, and please favorite, follow, and review.
