I am sorry I took so long! I really have no excuse! Please REVIEW you wonderful people. Again a little OOC, but Kagome has changed him by this point in the story anywho.
Chapter 28 - Loneliness
Sesshoumaru lay in bed with his eyes wide open, taking deep breaths to stop him from panicking. He had to do this, to run away would be cowardly, but he wanted to. He wanted to flee the room never to return and forget the whole business, pretending it never happened, but it seemed that was not an option. If you ignore a problem, deciding not to bother to deal with it, putting it off then as you can probably guess the problem is never resolved. Running away from a problem is even worse, it is like running away from a predator as is the fight or plight mechanism in most living things, and if you do that, everyone knows it chases after you.
He had actually woken a couple of hours ago, he always woke up at the crack of dawn, and Daiyoukai after all do not need much sleep. However that was not even the reason he went to bed last night, if he had his way he would not have retired to bed at all. In fact he would have probably dumped the reason he was frightened into the arms of a certain spider and ran back to Keade. She would be disapproving of his actions he was sure of it and had learnt a day ago when she kicked him out that he was not to return until he had at least tried to right things with the only being he really loved. He had learnt that he good friend not only had a sharp tongue but was not afraid to use it, even to a Daiyoukai such as him.
Running away to her was not an option, and he hated it when he did not have his way. So he grit his teeth and sat up with his young charge still in his arms. In her sleep she had snuggled up to him, obviously believing he was either Akito or Inuyasha, her sleeping companions up until this night. One hand was clutching his haori while the other one had grasped a handful of his silver hair – strange. It was mid morning when she started to stir, human did have ridiculously long sleeps, and she opened her midnight blue eyes. It was then he was rocketed through time momentarily as he was caught up in the memory of their first meeting.
What had awoken him from his slumber initially had been her scent, like wild berries and rain, her human scent changed all the time, he had not known a human's scent could do that, not drastically so he could not find her, but enough. He had not bothered to learn much about humans, dismissing them for a lower being than he and not worthy of his attention. His new ward later proved how wrong and egotistical he was being. After all if he had not met Kagome then he would not have met brave humans such as Kohaku, or kind beings like Keade. Every moment he realized just how much he owed her, she had changed him for the better.
He had not known it was her scent that awoke him then; he only figured that out later. The second thing that brought him back from unconsciousness to the land of the awake and the living was the feeling of being groomed. He purred at the feelings of his hair being combed and had dismissed that in order for him being able to feel this, someone must be doing it to him. That was when sense and reality slammed into him and he opened his eyes to fall upon the small form of the little human who was tending to him.
His surprise was outweighed by embarrassment and that was why he lashed out. Truthfully he had no intentions of hurting the child; he would never lower himself to such a level. He just felt so humiliated at being caught in such a vulnerable position by her, a human and so deduced to scare her into silence about the whole ordeal. No one must ever know he could be beaten, even when it was because of an ambush by hundreds of demons. He thanked the Kamis that it was a mere child who had found him like that and not a slayer.
He was humiliated yet again later when he realized he owed the girl his life. Nothing means more to a Daiyoukai than honour and that was why he brought her that kimono. While he had had every intention of adopting her as soon as he realized how pure of heart she was, it was that night when they danced he realized that he had developed an infatuation with her. That was why he had kidnapped her, for she had been unwilling after all. Paying the village may have been a step too far, for had he been any less honourable he could have taken her or sold her on, made her do everything he wanted, she belonged to him.
Over time he grew to love her, in many different ways and she had grown to respect and trust him. Then, he had betrayed that trust in the most brutal way he could have, leaving it up to Akito to save her and heal her. Then to make matters worse he had run away, true he had been cast out by his friend, but he had stayed away. And now here she was once again lying in his arms, staring up at him, fear and confusion in her eyes. This was not the first time he would be begging for her forgiveness; he had had to do it when he overreacted with Kohaku, only this time it would take a lot more to regain her favour.
He could not rely on a massive dragon to appear so he could save her from it. This time it would be truly just down to him to solve this mess, and what a supreme mess it was. He counted to three and right on cue she gave a little 'eep' and wriggled out his arm and jumped out of bed. They were in his bedchamber; her bed was simply not large enough for the both of them. He did not stop her, he wanted to explain things to her, but she gave him no chance to do so. As soon as she saw him open his mouth to start to explain she held up her hand to halt him.
Respecting her wished he had closed it again and with fear and tears in her eyes she had fled the room. He had not seen her again for the rest of the day, he had looked for her, checking her room, the gardens which she loved, and he even resulted to smelling her out. It had turned out she had learnt how to mask her scent. He had found her eventually hiding in the corner of kitchens where her scent was covered anyway, with Packo comforting her. He had decided against confronting her, he was gad though that the cook had made her eat something since she had decided against joining him and his brother for meals.
The battle squad it turned out had not needed their leader back, and he had returned to aid his elder brother in running the kingdom. On the subject of Inuyasha, things were a lot more hostile between the dog brothers than usual. While they had stopped fighting, Sesshoumaru respected him and had grown too much affection for him to still have the will to do that, they did not talk anymore. Sesshoumaru avoided the hanyou's very gaze, and Inuyasha was not a fool, he quickly realized that something had transpired to make Sesshoumaru leave, requiring his presence at the castle as Lord, and he bet it had something to do with Kagome.
Inuyasha had known better than to question his Lord on why Kagome kept her distance from him. He surmised he must have frightened her or hurt her, seeming as Akito, who obviously knew more than he did refused to give him more information. He was not heartless enough to question Kagome on a subject that obviously gave her distress either. He settled for losing respect in his brother for hurting his young friend and refused to look at him even after Sesshoumaru had stopped refusing his eyes. Seeming as Sesshoumaru was obviously being punished for something he decided to only return to normal once Akito and Kagome had.
The girl talked to the half breed and Akito happily and the spider, and after learning how dreadfully the first morning of her waking up to her father figure had gone, the dancer agreed it had been a bad idea. She now continued to sleep with him or Inuyasha with Inushasta between them for extra protection or comfort. Akito had still not fully forgiven him and refused to share sake with him in the evenings and when Kagome was with him or Sakura refused to let him close. He knew of all of the little girl's hiding places and did not let him know the whereabouts of any of them. Sesshoumaru was feeling awfully... alone.
It took an entire week before Kagome stopped ensuring she was around another person, namely Akito or Inuyasha at all times even for something as mundane as walking down a corridor. She slept by herself bar her toy dog and smile had returned to her face. He knew this when he looked at her in secret, she was not ready to even see him yet. It took a further five days for her to not run away if they should chance upon one another on a staircase or along a corridor. She still did not look up at him, not even in pain or anger or fear, she did not feel it though, and she just did not want to meet his eyes, Sesshoumaru counted this as progress.
Another three days later she joined him and his brother for meals and stopped trying to avoid him. Akito started to talk to him again although they were short and fleeting; Inuyasha still refused to speak to him pleasantly, but started to meet his eyes once more. Sesshoumaru was still feeling awfully alone – he continued to wait, patience after all was the key, Keade had said. One week more and she said he wanted to visit her village, she did not say 'go home' like he had feared she would, she wanted to visit her village. He had agreed, he had not right to say 'no' to her, he had declined to accompany her however, sending both Akito and Inuyasha in his place.
The week she wished to spend there had passed quicker than he had expected it to. In no time at all the trio returned and Inuyasha and Akito were in his study straight away ready to tell him all about what had transpired in the village while he stayed here. She had spent time with her family, and Keade and her friends, including the village boys though nothing intimate had transpired. Nothing about his visit to Keade had come up in discussion and neither had what his beast had attempted to do to her. This, he was pleased about; he did not need the village who had grown to trust and accept him to turn around and hate him.
Seeing her family had done her the world of good and he made a note that she should be allowed, encouraged even to visit her people more often. Although the matte concerning her almost rape had not been brought up in discussion, simply hugging her family once more and seeing the old miko and her friends had opened her up. She was smiling once more, and when she met him on the corridors she met his eyes and even gave him a smile. She still did not like to speak with him and their former relationship was not restored, but she was better than she was.
It had been a little over a month since he returned and he was getting impatient. He understood she was young and it was going to take a long time for her to heal, it was the price he had to pay for such a mistake. But he loved her so much and he needed her to love him again, to trust him and she needed to understand that he was never going to hurt her once more. Her next heat had come and passed and in fear he had locked himself in his rooms, but by the end of the day he had realized his beast had not even raised its head, let alone break free. She was safe and so he was he from now on, he was still feeling so desperately alone.
Now that she allowed him near, spoke to him and met his eyes he decided it was time for him to usher along the reparations to their relationship. He had not yet apologised to her, only been extra careful to give her all the space she needed. He decided to do it at dinner when there were witnesses, it was extra humiliation for him, but any amount of torture on his part was worth it if he got his daughter and hopefully future mate back. She knew him better now and hopefully she would see what a blow to his pride it was to do such an action for her.
After the dinner had been cleared away Sesshoumaru got to his feet ignoring the questioning glances from Inuyasha and Akito and Sakura who now joined them. He usually dismissed them before leaving himself, but he was not leaving, he turned to Kagome who was obediently sitting to his left today instead of hiding at the other end of the table, he counted this too as progress. It was the perfect time to make his formal apology. He could not believe he was actually doing something like this, Inuyasha and Akito were sure to never let him live it down.
Wasting no more time, giving him no chance to chicken out he got to his knees in front of his ward and grasped her hand in both of his and buried his face into it, hiding his blush. "Kagome, I, Sesshoumaru Taisho, Taiyoukai of the Western Lands gives you his formal apology for the actions of this one's beast a month and a half ago. I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me and I promise you that such occurrences will never happen again. I regret what happened with everything in my being and I am sorry, so, so sorry for what I did and the impact it had on you." He stopped there, had he talked for any longer he may have leaked cues to Sakura and Inuyasha about what exactly he was apologising for.
Kagome blinked at him owlishly for almost a whole minute and Sesshoumaru feared she was not going to give him an answer. He did not get up; he stayed where he was grovelling on the floor and made sure not to move until she said that he could. He lifted his head and his eyes bore into hers for another minute, she did not immediately look away, Sesshoumaru counted this as a good omen. Then Kagome let out along sigh and her gaze went from his head to the floor. "You really scared me you know," she said quietly and her quiet tone let him know that despite Akito's words she knew exactly what he had almost done.
"I know I did," he replied, amber eyes saddening, "and it will never happen again," he promised. "A Daiyoukai never breaks his word, you know what I say is true. I am truly sorry for frightening you and I know it must have been terrifying. I am just glad Akito was there, and you were awfully brave as well. I promise to protect you, from me as well if need be, you will never be hurt again, I will ensure it, I promise you that. Please find it in your heart to forgive me," he grovelled, not used to such a display of subservience and not liking it one bit either, he was choking on his own words, but they were still heartfelt, he needed her to listen and accept him.
"You hurt me," she continued, and she meant that, he understood and agreed that he had hurt her, not just physically but emotionally as well. He had not scarred her permanently, but it had taken a long time for her to just be able to look into his eyes again. He did not feel the need to reply, all he could have said was 'I know' and 'I promise to never hurt you again'. She knew that though so there was no point in saying it, and he had already promised to protect her and nothing of the sort would transpire a second time, and all who knew him were well aware that he hated to repeat himself for any reason at all. He pleaded with his eyes for her to forgive him... please... please... his beast was whimpering too, begging her.
She stood and shook her hand free of him. "I hear what you are saying," she started and he knew immediately that she was not ready, "and I believe you." She took a step back away from him, yet she still faced him, "but I am not quite ready to put the incident behind me." Her eyes which had been meeting his while she spoke fell back to the floor. "I want to forgive you and I accept your apology, and I realize what you are feeling too, but I just don't have the courage to move on. I am sorry too Sesshoumaru, but not yet, I am not ready yet." She turned around and ran out of the room, leaving him kneeling on the floor, dejected and hurt.
It took another two weeks before he recovered from her dejection. He was lying awake in his bed, staring at the ceiling when suddenly there was a knock on his door. Not even bothering to smell who it was he bid them to enter and to his surprise it was Kagome who came in. She had a small smile on her face and seemed a little nervous, she had come to ask him something, he could tell. After a minute had passed and she had still not made a noise he sighed and sat up, gesturing for her to sit on the bed beside him.
Once situated by his side she leant against his shoulder and he was surprised and happy by the show of affection. "Sesshoumaru, I was wondering if I could ask you something," she began, and took a breather; he waited for her to continue. "I have been thinking recently about you, and me, and us, all the time we have spent together. I thought about us talking in the evenings, sleeping safely in your arms, you saving my life. I love you, I always have, and I am glad you are in my life, and so, this is why I need you to agree to this. I forgive you for what you did, I think I did so some time ago now but only just realized it now."
She reached out with her hand and grasped one of his in both of hers. "So if our relationship, what we once had can be salvaged in any way, I want that to happen. If it can be saved and restored to what it once was, let us do so." She buried her face into his chest and shocked Sesshoumaru could do no more than wrap his arms around her. They slept encased in each other's arms that night; finally back to what they once were. Sesshoumaru came to the conclusion that two months was not a bad time at all to forgive something such as that.
