Holly
Holly is pacing.
She's only got the short length of her living room, but she's using it all for all it is worth.
"I can't do this any more, Nan." she shakes her head fiercely, yanking off her glasses and flinging them on the coffee table as she passes.
"Holly, calm down." Nan tells her, grabbing the glasses from where they have fallen lens down and placing them carefully on the mat in the middle of the table.
"I can't." Holly moans, throwing up her hands. "I did not sign up for this."
"No, you didn't, but …"
"She's supposed to be back! " Holly folds her arms tightly across her chest. "And do I really want to be in a relationship where I have to live in fear half the time? This is not, Nan, what I want. I do not want to be finding out my girlfriend is alive via a note!"
She clutches the piece of paper tighter. Oliver had brought it to her at the lab. It was right before she was due to pick up Nan from the airport and bring her back to the apartment. One minute she was staring at the messy remains of a car crash, the next Oliver was at her door with an envelope in his hand.
"This never, ever happened," he told her, striding in and handing it to her, more serious, more stern, than she has ever seen him. "I mean it. She— and I— could get in huge trouble if anyone finds out."
Holly just nodded, only half-following.
"But I should tell you," he had added hurriedly, "There's been a slight bug and it looks like she won't be back before Christmas, now."
And that was all he'd said before kissing her on the cheek, wishing her a Merry Christmas and leaving her there with the sealed envelope.
Holly had just held it in her hands, turning it over. There was nothing written on the envelope. She stared at it and fought the urge to cry, right there in the lab. She'd been hoping Gail would be back for before she left for Montreal, that they could be together for at least a day or two before Holly left. And by today she would have even settled for crossing paths at all. Now, her hopes dashed, she tucked the envelope in her jacket pocket and headed for her car and drove to the airport, heavy with the knowing that there is no way she will see Gail now.
On the way to the airport, she promised herself she wouldn't open it until later, until after she'd picked up her friend. Maybe before she went to sleep, she thought, or after dinner if she couldn't wait that long. It would be a treat. But then when they got back to the apartment before dinner and Nan had gone to shower, to slough off the short but tiring commute from Chicago, Holly, left to herself, hadn't been able to resist tearing open the envelope and pulling out the tiny piece of paper and reading it.
Poor Nan had left a sane Holly and come back from the shower to find an agitated pacing one on her place.
"Holls, seriously, calm the hell down," Nan tells her again, running a hand through her short dripping hair.
"I can't, Nan. I hate this."
I know you do, but …"
"But what?" Holly asks her, impatient. She already knows there is no 'but' that can make this feel any better, or any less frustrating, right now.
"Well," Nan says, sitting back against the sofa cushions. "You hate this, sure. But stop trying to fool yourself into believing you want to or should get out of this."
"Why?" Holly snarls. "Maybe I really do." And maybe she believes she does. It's hard enough worrying about Gail when she is here, without panicking about her when she has zero idea where she is, or what she is doing, or why she is writing notes like this. Let alone when she'll be back. It's too much.
"Because look at you." Nan waves her hands in her direction, as if showing off exhibit A: Crazy Holly. "Everything about the way you are going completely nuts right now tells me you have absolutely no choice about how you feel about her, that's why."
Nan shakes her head, smiling her usually endearing but now highly irritating wonky smile.
Holly chews on her lip and keeps pacing. Nan has an awful habit of being right. But it doesn't matter right now. Nothing feels right.
"I have not seen you like this for years." Nan laughs.
Holly folds her arms over her chest, gives Nan a look, and continues to pace.
"Besides, this is epic movie stuff. She goes undercover with the police. You are frantic. She comes back, the whole Hollywood reunion. She'll have solved a huge crime."
"Remember," Holly jabs a finger at her. "You are not allowed to tell anyone about this case."
"Who am I going to tell?" Nan scoffs, picking up her cup of tea. "In Chicago no less? Anyway, Holls, she's undercover and she sneaks out a note to you. How romantic is that? A note which I have no idea what it says, but given the way you are behaving I am going to assume it is not a shopping list."
"It's not," Holly mutters, holding it tighter between her fingers.
"Holly, seriously, I'm, sure she's okay. That cop would have said something."
"She told me she loves me." Holly says quietly, tossing the note at Nan. It flutters down onto the coffee table.
She'd had absolutely no intention of telling Nan that part. But somehow, she has. Because she can't not. Holly is feeling too freaked out. That declaration would have alarmed her with its suddenness, with its possible prematurity at the best of times, but now, with the whole question of why she is saying it hanging over Holly's head, she is nothing less than panicked.
Nan leans over, picks up the tightly folded piece of paper, but doesn't open it. She holds it up before placing it carefully on the table next to Holly's glasses.
"See? What did I say?" she says, smiling. "Epic romance stuff, Holly."
"But that's all it says." Holly tells her through clenched teeth, wishing it said more, something that indicated she is okay. It seems crazy for Gail to be committing to those kinds of words on paper, for even declaring herself in such a way. And so soon? Gail, who has wrapped herself so tightly into a self-protective bubble she's had a hell of a time lately even clawing her way close to out? It seems like something done in a desperate moment.
"She probably didn't have much time, so she cut to the chase, got right to the point. My kind of girl." Nan shrugs, folding her arms over her chest and putting her feet up on the coffee table. Holly fights the urge to throw something at her. Nan's imperturbable calmness, something Holly has always admired, is currently driving her crazy.
"Aside from the fact we have been together for, like, five minutes, it just makes me more worried about her. " Holly chews on her lip for a moment, turning it over and over until she just feels tired and nowhere with it.
Nan pipes up after a minute. "At least you don't have to have the awkward moment of deciding if you had better say it back."
Holly shoots her another look. Nan just raises her shoulders in shrug, giving her a faux helpless 'sorry I couldn't help myself' grin. "I'm sorry," she says, contrite. "Not helpful."
Holly shakes her head. "Maybe this really isn't the right thing for me. Maybe I am not cut out for dating a cop," she mutters.
"Like I said," Nan says, speaking slower, as if Holly just didn't get it the first time. "Given your insanity right now, I don't think you have a choice."
Holly doesn't answer. She just keeps pacing, biting back tears.
"So whatever, Holly. Look at you. I know you of old." Nan says, suddenly, finally, serious. "You're in. All in. So please, please just come here and sit down and drink your cup of tea and, I don't know, breathe." Nan pats the sofa next to her.
Holly sighs and grinds to a halt. She is spent. She looks at Nan, who is smiling steadfastly up at her.
She returns the smile. She can't help it. Nan is irresistible when she wants to be. She comes over and drops on to the couch next to her. Nan grabs her legs and hauls them over her lap, patting her shins affectionately.
Holly sighs, blinking at the tears gathering. "It's just not supposed to happen like this," she says. "She can't tell me she loves me in a freaking note."
Nan doesn't say a word. She just rubs her legs some more.
"I want to actually be there when she tells me she loves me, some day, some time wayyyy down the track," she sniffs. "Not now, and not when I have no idea when I am going to see her, or if she is okay."
Nan picks up the piece of paper and pushes it into Holly's hands. "Well, too bad. She did. And I think it's kind of beautiful. And she clearly needs you to know it now, for some reason. Besides," she gently slaps Holly's legs; "It will be an awesome story one day."
"That doesn't really help right now," Holly shrugs. She takes a deep breath, releasing it slowly and wipes her eyes. "Okay, I am just going to have this little cry, and then I am going to suck it up, I promise."
"Take your time." Nan passes her cup of tea to her. "You are allowed to be worried about her. I would be too— if I was dumb enough to fall for a cop."
"Shut up," Holly tells her, narrowing her eyes. Then she smiles because she knows she sounds just like Gail.
"And you also have to calm down and be realistic." Nan says. "It's going to be hard, but you are doing it. You are in it already. And you know what?" Nan slaps her legs gently. "She's in it too, wherever she is."
"I love you," Holly tells her, digging her foot into Nan's leg and smiling at her. She has missed her friend so much.
"I love you, too, dumb ass."
"Welcome back to Toronto," Holly lets out a small laugh, sniffing. "I didn't mean for your homecoming to be quite like this. Sorry."
Nan laughs. "Welcome back to lesbian drama, you mean. This is why I left, Holly."
Holly smiles. She wouldn't mind a little less drama, too. Just for a little while.
Nan puts her cup of tea down. "Now, have you got a photo? I need to at least see a picture this woman who's turned you crazy, considering you've so conveniently gotten rid of her for my visit."
"Not funny, yet," Holly tells her, wiping her eyes on her sleeve and digging her phone out of her pocket to find a photo.
She's still not sure how right Nan is, but for now she is going to believe she can deal with this. She has to.
