Thank you everyone for your patience, understanding, and support. It really means a lot to me.
This may be my last update for a while; I'm trying desperately to prepare for all my classes and to get ready to take several important tests. I will work on Feathered Mask when I get a chance; please be patient with me.
I think the Alternative Ending confused several people. I would like to make it clear that Sakura and Kakashi are married only in the alternative ending. They are not married in the main plotline; they are still dating. I hope that cleared up some confusion.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.
I paused outside the room, my fingers brushing against the edge of the door. Releasing a breath that I hadn't realized I'd been holding, I slowly cracked my eye open and saw that my hand was trembling. With an enormous burst of effort, I forced it to stay still.
What did you say to someone who had gone blind? How did you comfort her? Even though Karasu and I had been the closest of friends, I hadn't spoken to her for nearly a year. The last time I'd seen her, I'd pinned her against a tree and used Obito's gift against her, even when I'd known that the sight of the red-and-black eye terrified her. I couldn't come up with anything that didn't sound hollow, uncaring, or fake.
Are you okay?
Of course she wasn't okay. Would anyone be okay after going blind and possibly losing the career that she'd sacrificed her whole life for?
I'm sorry for losing my temper, using the Sharingan on you, and setting off the chain of events that ended with you getting captured by Aranoko.
No amount of apologies would bring her vision back, and what I'd done was unforgiveable.
Do you want to talk?
Who wanted to talk to the person who'd threatened you with his most lethal weapon in a fit of blind desperation?
Even though I desperately wanted to talk with Karasu, I didn't know how to approach her. I didn't know how I could talk to her while fighting down the blood rushing to my face in a wave of intense shame. So when Tsunade had assigned me a five-day mission to the Land of Birds, ordering me to leave Karasu alone for several days, I'd accepted the mission with mixed feelings.
Now that I'd completed the assignment, I had no more excuses to run away from her. The least I could do was apologize and quietly accept whatever hell she gave me for ruining her life. I deserved far worse than that.
Taking a deep breath, I lifted my hand, which felt strangely detached yet heavy at the same time, and rapped my knuckles quietly against the door.
No one answered.
Swallowing, I slowly slid the door open and stepped through the opening, keeping my eye locked on the floor. Several seconds after the door softly clicked shut, I worked up enough courage to glance at the figure on the bed.
Her skin, nearly translucent in the harsh fluorescent light, contrasted sharply with the deep ebony locks that had faded into a limp, dull black mass; from the looks of it, no one had dared to approach Karasu and comb her hair during my absence. Resting on her stomach, her hands were crossed, their scarred fingers little more than slender curves of bone. A plastic tube was inserted into the back of one hand, pumping a chemical slurry into her emaciated, seemingly lifeless form. The only signs which indicated that she wasn't a corpse were the slight ripple of the scar on her throat as she swallowed and the occasional flutter of an eyelid.
Her eyes. I could hardly bear to look at them. The light that usually sparkled in their warm depths was gone, leaving behind two dead, emotionless, strangely vacant pits.
Averting my gaze from the disturbing sight, I carefully stepped toward the bed until my hip rested against the frame.
"Karasu, it's me. Kakashi." My words hung heavily in the thickening air. When she gave no reaction or sign to acknowledge my presence, I swallowed and forged on.
"I'm sorry that I wasn't mature enough to listen calmly to your advice about Sakura. I'm sorry that I used my Sharingan on you. I'm sorry that I scared you so much that you decided to take that mission solo. I'm sorry I didn't get there in time to save you.
"I know that my apologies aren't worth anything to you now. I know that there are no words to express what a complete low-life, what a piece of scum I am. I know there's nothing I can do to ever earn your forgiveness, let alone your respect. And I'll understand if you hate me and never want to see m-…" Eye widening at my inadvertent reference to vision, I bit down hard on my lip, swearing silently. Karasu continued to stare sightlessly at the ceiling.
"B-but please, give me a second chance. Please forgive me. If you can't do that, at least let me help you while you're recovering. But please don't push me away." My voice cracked, and I swallowed. "You're one of the most important people in my life. I need you. You don't know how badly it hurt to wake up every morning and remember that I couldn't see you, couldn't talk to you, couldn't hear your voice. I won't be able to take it if you never want to be with me again.
"I know I'm asking for much more than I deserve. But please… please, forgive me." Backing away from the edge of the bed, I knelt and pressed my forehead against the floor, squeezing my eye shut as the seconds ticked by in agonizing silence.
Scream at me. Cry. Hit me. Do something, anything, please! Don't just lie there.
The only sounds I heard were the quiet gurgles of the IV rack and her faint, feather-light breaths. Raising my head, I slowly straightened and stood. She hadn't moved an inch.
I didn't know what to do. I'd been prepared to silently endure any physical or emotional abuse that she'd decided to hurl at me. I'd been prepared to clasp her hands in endless gratitude if she'd forgiven me. I'd been prepared to hold her tightly if she'd burst into tears.
But she hadn't said a word. She hadn't moved a muscle ever since I'd stepped into the room. In fact, according to Tsunade, Karasu hadn't talked to anyone ever since she'd woken up and found out that she was blind. She just lay there, passively submitting to whatever tests or scans the doctors ran on her but refusing to communicate to anyone. In her increasing desperation to stimulate some sort of reaction, the Hokage had been all too willing to let me visit Karasu today. It wasn't working.
Somehow, her lack of response cut me more deeply than any physical blow, screamed curse, or pained cry ever could. By refusing to acknowledge my presence, she was basically telling me that she didn't want to interact with me anymore. It was like I was worth nothing to her and that the past twenty-three years had never happened. I didn't blame her; I deserved it. Still, it was almost impossible to fight back a shuddering gasp of wrenching, searing pain.
Blinking hard, I lowered my gaze as I unhooked one of my vest's scroll pouches and slid out a short, thin object.
"I got your tanto back from Aranoko. I'll put it here on your bedside table if you still want it." During the long vigil I'd held beside her bed, I'd had more than enough time to carefully polish the weapon's scratched sheath and sharpen the rust-spotted blade to a fine, stiletto edge. I placed the weapon amongst the forest of bouquets on her bedside table; several familiar names were scrawled on the cards attached to the wilting flowers: Kurenai, Genma, Gai, Asuma.
"I also found something interesting during the mission I just finished. I thought you might like it." Unzipping my pocket, I pulled out a small slab of granite. One of the most mountainous regions of the world, the Land of Birds housed several spectacular rock formations; its jagged landscape was constantly buffeted by the high-speed gales that whipped through the province.
Centuries of exposure to the Land of Birds' windstorms had carved the piece of granite that I'd found into a swirling, flame-like column. Serpentine veins of white, gray, and blue weaved through deep grooves and sharp ridges, their fluid curves contrasting with the rough patina on the black stone.
"I'm sorry it took so long for me to give you a birthday present." I held out the stone so that it brushed against her fingertips. When she made no move to take it, I swallowed and slowly lowered my hand. "I-I'll put it next to your tanto."
I was so stupid. She probably thought I was trying to buy my way back into her favor, but the thought hadn't even crossed my mind. When I'd seen the stone, I'd remembered how much she'd loved what others considered simple, mundane objects: a curled leaf, the color of the sky, an anthill. I'd honestly just wanted to make her feel a little better. I'd just wanted the corner of her mouth to curl the tiniest bit.
"I… I have to go now. But if it's okay with you, I'll come visit you tomorrow." I waited several seconds for a response to my masked question. It never came. "So, um, I'll see you later, okay? Please take care of yourself. Please think about what I said. I'll be waiting for your answer." I reluctantly exited the room, careful to let the door shut quietly behind me as I left the hospital and climbed a flight of stairs that was quickly becoming all too familiar. Shuffling down a long, curved hallway, I heard the murmur of voices behind the oaken door; I took the opportunity to lean heavily against the wall as I rubbed my eye.
It was as if a great weight had been taken off my shoulders. Yes, my stomach still lurched at the thought of how I'd treated Karasu. Yes, I still didn't know if Karasu would forgive me. Yes, my chest still clenched painfully at the thought of Karasu terminating our friendship. But underneath all the anguish, underneath all the pain, I felt… relief. Peace. I'd finally apologized to her. I'd finally gotten the chance to try to make things right again.
The door clicked open. Casting a glance in the direction of the noise, I locked eyes with the man who was just stepping out of Tsunade's office. He nodded imperiously as he strode past down the corridor, his rich robes trailing in his wake. Catching the door before it swung shut, I knocked on the dark wood.
"What? I just told you that- oh, it's you, Hatake. Come in." One set of glistening purple-coated fingernails beckoned me in; the other set rubbed their owner's forehead. I obeyed, carefully closing the door behind me.
"Who was that man who just exited?"
"Him? He's a daimyo from the eastern province. He heard about what happened to Karasu and wanted to make sure that it wouldn't affect the quality of the protection that the Hidden Leaf provides for the Land of Fire." Tsunade glanced up from the pile of documents on her desk. "So, how did the visit go?"
"Nothing happened. Karasu didn't even give any sign that she'd heard me."
"I see." Sighing wearily, the Hokage leaned back against her chair. "It's not unusual for ninja who become... who suffer permanent injuries to experience depression, but her case is particularly severe. If she doesn't snap out of it soon, her depression could be a bigger problem than her lack of ability to see."
"What do you mean?"
"The speed and extent of her recovery all depend on her. If she wants to try to regain much of her former mobility, there's a good chance that she'll succeed. If she doesn't, there's little that can be done."
"I see. What kind of… treatments are you planning to give her?"
"She'll need to go intensive psychological therapy to deal with trauma from being tortured and to try and snap her out of her depression. To help her recover from her wounds and adjust to her condition, she'll also need several months of physical therapy."
"Who's going to pay for all this?"
"The Hidden Leaf will provide the money for her medical care. Which reminds me, I have a job for you."
"Yes, Hokage-sama?"
"Karasu will be retired from ANBU."
"W-what? Isn't there any way that she can participate in ANBU even if she's blind?"
"No. It's true that some blind ninjas can fight on a level that is on par with their sighted counterparts; however, those select few have been blind from a very young age and are used to fighting with little to no sense of vision. Karasu is almost thirty. It would take several years for her to adjust to her condition and develop another ANBU-level fighting style.
"A blind ANBU member is too big of a risk in your squad. She'll keep dragging down your team and will give you more trouble than it's worth. You'll have to start looking for her replacement. As Karasu's ANBU captain, you'll also be responsible for letting her know that she has been honorably discharged." Honeyed eyes met my black one. I dropped my gaze after several seconds, squeezing my eye shut and swallowing. The gleam of pride in Karasu's eyes as she had received her Black Ops uniform and mask flashed through my mind and made my stomach lurch painfully.
"I understand… Hokage-sama."
"I'm sorry, Hatake." Her voice was nearly as soft as my rasp had been. "I know this will be hard on both of you. But it needs to be done."
"Will… she also be permanently removed from active duty?"
"As I said, I don't know. It all depends on how much she wants to recover and if she wants to resume active duty. However, I highly doubt she will ever be able to complete anything harder than a C-rank mission."
"C-rank? She won't have enough money to provide for herself." The acute pain in my chest worsened as I recalled how Karasu's trembling, starving body had collapsed against the wall, unable to hold up even a single bag of groceries.
"She'll be provided with a pension for her years of service."
"But will it be enough?"
"It should be. She's a retired ANBU member."
"That doesn't mean she'll get enough money." There were plenty of horror stories about retired ninja whose monthly pensions hadn't been enough to pay for their expenses and had been forced to beg in the streets.
"Don't worry, Hatake. I'll make sure that she'll be fine. Trust me." Slowly meeting her gaze, I nodded. She returned the gesture before leaning back in her chair.
"So," she said, her voice suddenly brusque, "what did you come to see me for?"
"Tsunade-sama, I want to pull Karasu out of the hospital and take care of her myself."
"What?" I kept my face impassive as I returned her outraged stare. "I-I understand that you're very worried about her, but… but do you know what you're asking? If you take her out of the hospital now, she'll die! Her body is so weak that it can't even handle any food; when we tried to feed her rice porridge, she threw it all up. The only thing keeping her alive is the fluid being pumped through the IV tube and the shots we're giving her! And her immune system's been practically destroyed; she would become severely ill almost immediately."
"I understand. I meant that I want to pull her out as soon as it is safe to do so."
"But why? She's being given the best care possible."
"With all due respect, Tsunade-sama, I don't think any of the hospital's treatments will help Karasu."
"Explain." Tsunade's voice had turned icy; her fists were clenched. Keeping an eye on her metal paperweight, I swallowed.
"Even though she's extremely sensitive to substances of any kind, Karasu's being pumped full of chemicals right now. She's so weak that the slightest miscalculation would kill her. It would be easier for her body to recover without having to deal with all those chemicals. Also, like you said, the speed at which she recovers and how much mobility she regains all depends on her mentality. If she isn't motivated to get better, she won't."
"So you're saying that you'll be able to motivate her to try to get better?"
"No. What I mean is… before she left Konoha, Karasu was already suffering from severe depression. She drank so much alcohol and lost so much weight that her body was in critical condition. Something was already hurting her, and unless you figure out what that something was, all the psychological therapy in the world won't be able to snap her out of her depression."
"I see. Do you have any idea what this something is?"
"I believe that I do." Her stony expression morphed into one of surprise. "A month before she left Konoha, I found Karasu drunk at a bar. While I was taking her home, she said some things that made me think that she…" I trailed off, my heart clenching at the memory of the way she had whimpered like a wounded, helpless bird.
Based on Karasu's strange comments about broken hearts, I was almost certain that, a long time ago, she'd fallen in love with someone. Since she had never been in a relationship with any man, and I certainly would have known if she had, her love must have been either unrequited or rejected. Either way, my best friend had been so deeply wounded that she hadn't been able to recover.
"That she what?" Tsunade prompted, snapping me out of my thoughts.
"I'm sorry, Hokage-sama. It is not my place to say it." My best friend's affairs of the heart were her own personal business. I had no right to tell someone a theory that hadn't been proven. I would not gossip about my best friend.
"Then how do you expect me to help her? If you tell me what you think happened, I can ask the therapists to try to find out whether your theory is correct."
"That's the thing. I don't think your therapists will be able to find out anything. If Karasu doesn't want them to know, they won't be able to find out."
"Are you calling my therapists incompetent?"
"A year ago, I tried to find out what was wrong," I said quietly. "She wouldn't tell me and left Konoha. If Karasu wouldn't tell her closest friend what was hurting her, do you think she'll tell a stranger?"
"But if she already refused to tell you what happened," Tsunade rasped after a long pause, "isn't it pointless to ask again?"
"I have to try." My voice suddenly shook, on the verge of cracking. "I've already lost her once, Tsunade-sama. I don't want to lose her again. Please, let me take care of her." Squeezing my eye shut, I bowed as deeply as I could, holding my breath as the seconds ticked by silently.
"Six months, Hatake." My head snapped up at the words. "Now that Karasu's gone blind, Konoha's lost one ANBU member and several thousand ryo's worth of income. Taking care of her will be a full-time job, so you'll have to be temporarily removed from active duty, and your ANBU squad will also be out of action. That's another couple million ryo. I'm sorry if I sound insensitive, but the Hidden Leaf needs to money to keep running. Six months is all I can afford to give you."
"T-thank you, Hokage-sama."
"Of course, you'll need Karasu's consent to do this. If she agrees to let you take care of her, I'll let you know when she can be safely discharged. You'll have six months starting from the day she leaves the hospital. After that, regardless of how much progress you've made with her, you're resuming active duty."
"Yes, Hokage-sama. Thank you very much, Hokage-sama." I bowed again, my hair brushing over my temple.
"Yes, yes, you're very welcome. I'll tell Sakura to teach you some medical jutsu and some basic aspects of nursing. But if you find that you're having extreme difficulty taking care of Karasu, you are to bring her straight back to the hospital, do you hear, Hatake? I don't want that stubbornness of yours preventing you from bringing her back. You may very well kill her if you don't."
"I will bring Karasu back to the hospital if necessary, Hokage-sama."
"Good. I'll discuss this with you further after you've gotten Karasu's permission and when you're about to take Karasu out of the hospital." Picking up the papers on her desk, Tsunade began to shuffle through them. "You're dismissed."
Four thousand nine hundred ninety-eight… four thousand nine hundred ninety-nine… five thousand. Grunting as I finished my last one-fingered push-up, I rolled onto my back, panting heavily as I wiped the sweat running down my temples. Finishing my entire training routine seemed to get harder and harder with each passing year; did my body always ache this badly at the end of a workout?
"Kakashi!" Lifting my head an inch, I caught sight of a bright flash of pink before wearily letting my head drop back into the dirt with a dull thud.
"Hey, Sakura."
"Kakashi, are you okay?" Her feet halted next to my head. "What happened?"
"I was just… training."
"Oh, really?" Her pitch of her voice raised in disbelief. "And what exactly did you do?"
"Cardio exercises, agility training," I paused to catch my breath, "a couple push-ups-"
"Knowing you, a 'couple push-ups' is more like four thousand."
"Five thousand, actually."
"Whatever," she huffed, kneeling next to me. "Just take it easy, okay?"
"I'm not that old, Sakura."
"You're thirty-two, almost thirty-three. That's old enough." A small, well-manicured hand thrust a water bottle in front of me. "Here, you look like you need this."
"Thanks." Gratefully taking the bottle, I sat up, wincing as my spine cracked, and guzzled down half the water in one gulp.
"So," Sakura began in a deceptively sweet tone, "what's this I hear about you moving in with Karasu?"
I froze, my hand in the middle of wiping the wet stain on my mask.
"D-don't put it like that, Sakura; you make it sound like I'm dating Karasu. I'm just withdrawing Karasu from the hospital so I can take care of her myself."
"But why? I know you're worried about her, but isn't that kind of extreme?"
"I don't really feel comfortable with her staying in the hospital. I don't think it'll do her any good."
"So you don't think that I'll be able to help her." Sakura's eyes were dangerously bright. Too late, I remembered that she was in charge of taking care of Karasu. Crap.
"No, it's not that!" Wetting my lip, I gulped as I noticed the way her fists were clenched. "I'm not doubting your medical abilities! It's just something I have to do as her friend. It doesn't have anything to do with you."
"It doesn't have anything to do with me?" I winced; the birds in the trees fell silent. "The person I'm dating is going to be living in the same house as another woman and spending practically twenty-four hours a day with her! And you're telling me that this has nothing to do with me? Wouldn't you be upset and worried if I decided to move in with another guy?"
"N-, I mean, yes, I mean…" Taking a deep breath, I carefully placed a hand on one of Sakura's. I took it as a good sign that she didn't punch me. "Look, Sakura, Karasu and I are just very close friends. That's it. I'm not going to start going after Karasu while I'm taking care of her. If anything, I can't even imagine either of us developing those kinds of… feelings for each other; she's like a little sister to me. So please, don't worry. I'm not going to betray you, okay?"
After a long pause, Sakura's scowl relaxed; her eyes softened as she squeezed my hand.
"Okay. I'm sorry. I'm just thinking too much."
"It's okay." Pausing, I swallowed. I didn't know if it was the best time to mention this, but... "Sakura?"
"Yeah?"
"I don't know if Tsunade-sama told you, but since I'll be taking care of Karasu, I'll need to know some basic medical jutsu. If you have a chance, could you teach me?"
"I will if you take me out to dinner." She smiled after several seconds, her grip tightening on my hand. I groaned inwardly. She probably wasn't going to settle for Ichiraku Ramen. On the other hand, if I didn't take her out, she would get mad again and refuse to speak to me for several days and would probably refuse to help me. Thankfully, the mission that I'd just completed was a B-rank.
"Deal. Just let me take a shower first."
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