Chris held the screen door open for me silently. The little girl was staring up at me, wide-eyed.

"You must be Deborah." I said. The little girl was in awe that a complete stranger knew her name, almost like magic.

I stepped into Chris' house, my eyes adjusting to the inherent darkness of the place. Plenty of lightbulbs had blown without ever having been replaced, forcing Chris and his siblings to live like cave dwellers.

There were two boys sitting at the kitchen table in the next room, their upper lips covered in purple kool-aid. They were both wearing undershirts and sweating like crazy. It wasn't hard to understand why. Chris' house was stifling.

"Sheldon's the one with the cowlick. The younger one is Emery." Chris said blankly. I nodded toward them but the two boys at the table seemed a little shy.

"Are you...in charge?" I asked. I had hoped we'd be able to talk in private somehow, but it suddenly hit me just how much responsibility Chris faced at home. With his dad unemployed and mostly drunk, and a mother working two jobs just to make ends meet, Chris was as good as a single parent.

"Yeah." He said.

I wanted to help him somehow, but I was a Johnny-come-lately to this friendship. Gordie had probably felt the same way, did what he could, but mostly learned to live with it and just be Chris' friend.

I swallowed a sudden wave of helplessness.

"I guess what I have to say can wait..." I said, wondering if there would ever be a "good" time to tell a friend that you had stabbed them in the back.

"We've got a back porch. I can still see in through the screens." Chris said. He didn't exactly seem to be in a hurry to talk with me. He must have sensed something was up...and that it was bad.

As I followed him to their back porch, which was really just a crumbling set of steps outside a backdoor that didn't see much use, I began to tremble a little.

I was scared of losing the one last innocent thing in my life. My friendship with Gordie and Chris had gotten me through my first month in a strange town, and a whole bunch of different growing pains.

If Chris turned his back on me, my relationship with Gordie would change too. I'd lose them both.

Chris plopped himself down on the top step and waited for me to sit beside him. I struggled to suppress a feeling of terrified nausea.

"I don't plan on fucking up at school, if that's what you think." Chris said. I hadn't figured he would. If anything, this must have reminded him just how grim life would be if he didn't try to get out while the gettin' was good.

"You're too smart for that." I said. I wondered how often people acknowledged his intelligence, and figured it probably wasn't near enough.

"Sure." Chris said in an empty echo of his teasing voice. He was going through the motions and it hurt like hell to watch.

"You have my word...Even though it's not gonna mean much to you in a minute." I said. I took a deep breath and Chris fixed me with a very intense stare. There was a lot of weight behind it, a heaviness I could almost feel.

He looked twenty years older to me in that moment. He'd already done a lot more growing up than I ever realized. After taking a deep breath, I forged ahead.

"I don't know how this all started. I hated him from the beginning, you know?" I said, looking away from Chris and trying to focus on a point far away. A tree with harvest-gold leaves sweltering on a strangely summer-like day.

"I had it trained in my mind to think of him as the enemy. And then...I don't know. Somehow I just started to...love him, sorta." I said, bungling the conversation up in true Marley fashion.

Chris was smart. I had always thought so.

He didn't even need me to explain any further. He knew exactly what I meant, and through his eyes I could see the realization flood into him all at once.

"Jesus, Marley. What the hell's the matter with you?" Chris asked. I looked down and accepted that there was a huge error in my judgment.

"If I could stop it, I would. I don't want it to be like this." I admitted. But a part of me thought to myself that I was kind of glad it was like this. I was glad to know that I could love someone, however fucked up my parents' marriage was.

Chris stood up, edging away from me slowly. Each second that passed by brought with it a new realization, a new reason to doubt our friendship.

"I went to Irby's on Friday. Eyeball was drunk and...he was...he wanted me to..." The words weren't coming together in the right way so I eventually just stopped.

Chris was gazing at me with a cloudy expression, traces of anger, disbelief, sadness, and disgust playing across his face.

"You have to believe me, I never wanted Ace to do anything to him. I swear." I pleaded with him, even though Chris was not in a receptive frame of mind.

As far as he was concerned, Ace and I were working together...partners in crime. I might as well have beaten up Eyeball myself.

I bit my lip and was suddenly incensed at feeling bad about Eyeball attacking me. I wasn't inside anyone's brain but my own, and aside from lying, I had done the best I could.

"I fucked up, okay? I lied. And if you don't want to talk to me again because of that, then fine. I deserve it. But Eyeball was drunk and he felt me up and I was lucky to get away. I didn't ask Ace to do anything, and I'm ashamed that he did what he did. But I'm ashamed of Eyeball, too." I said, my cheeks burning.

I saw something in Chris' face start to give a little. His features tensed up, and a little crook in his brow appeared. He was trying to maintain his anger, his fierceness, but he was struggling.

Then for a minute he didn't look like he knew what to feel.

"I lied, and I'm sorry. I'm just a big fat jerk with shit for brains." I said, shrugging angrily. It was easier to be mad like this...and bitter. If I was going to be friendless, then I was going out in a storm of fury.

"Even after everything I told you?" Chris asked at length, his voice strained.

I knew he must have wondered about what could have happened to him if Gordie hadn't fired that gun. Deep down, that was something I had feared and fretted over as well, for several reasons.

"I've been punishing myself about it ever since these feelings started." I said curtly. I had already decided that I could never be with Ace like he was. I might have loved him, but I think I hated him, too. There were too many things I could never forgive him for...

I braced myself for some sort of angry declaration, a definitive statement from Chris about my being a horrible person or telling me to get lost. I fully expected to end this day without a friend in the world, and absolutely no peace of mind.

But Chris was a special kind of guy. Every time I felt sure of how he would react, he always managed to knock me for a loop by doing something completely different.

His expression softened, and a tired ghost of a smile formed on his lips.

"I guess he's the one who gave you that hickey. That's some shitty taste ya got there, Marley." He said. I blinked several times before I accepted that Chris was teasing me.

I eventually nodded, my anger dissipating and in its place a rush of relief so strong I felt like I'd burst into tears.

"You're telling me. Ace fucking Merrill." I said. It was the first time I'd really been able to find humor in the situation, but all things considered, it was actually kinda hilarious.

Chris and I laughed lightly, exhaustedly. Somehow that laughter grew into something painful and before I knew it, I was choking back tears. I looked away hurriedly. Everyone had their problems, and we all had a load to carry.

But since Chris' load seemed a lot harder than mine, I was ashamed to cry.

Chris put a hand on my shoulder, which made me feel even worse.

"I'm fine, man." I said, trying to clear my voice of emotion. I shied out of his grasp.

"It's okay, Marley. It wasn't your fault." He said, his voice soft. This was the Chris I was used to seeing.

"It's not that...you deserve so much better than this." My emotions were making me as blunt as a butter knife, and just as eloquent.

"I do all right." Chris said. I turned around to face him. His arm was no longer in a sling, but he still had the cast on. That combined with his weary expression and a batch of fresh bruises did nothing to convince me that he was doing "all right."

"Oh, yeah? What are you getting in math?" I asked. Chris gave me a weird look.

"I'm getting a B, I think." He said. I frowned. If there was anything Gordie and I could help him with to get him out of this place, it was schoolwork.

"I don't think so, man. I'm going to hang with Deborah and the boys for a while and you can go study." I said. It was more like an order and Chris flashed me a look of confusion and surprise.

"Who died and made you my mother, Haines?" Chris said with a wry smile.


I ended up staying with Chris until his mom came home, and then I headed to work.

I stayed quiet again that night, and luckily for me, Vic had left already. I wasn't in the mood for conversation. I was in the mood to mope a little.

My shoulders stayed slumped the entire time, and it was because I could see that lines had been drawn in the sand. With everything coming out in the open, there was a necessity to choose...It was a schoolyard pick, and I had to decide once and for all who was going to be on my team.

Ace and the boys would never be on the same team, and there wasn't anything I could do about it. Sad, but true. And as much as it hurt me to think about ignoring Ace from then on, that's what I was going to have to do.

Gordie and Chris had befriended me from the start, taking me under their wing while Ace and the rest of the Cobras teased me and made silly threats. I couldn't turn my back on them, especially when I realized they weren't going to turn their backs on me.

There were no secrets in Castle Rock. Not really. Or at least, not for long.

Pop paid me for the week and after locking up, I counted all the money I'd accumulated in the past few weeks. It was enough to square away my debt with Ace, and I decided maybe it was time for me to pay up and go on my merry way. All signs pointed to this.

I rounded the corner and found Ace in the alley, leaning against his car and smoking a cigarette.

The familiar flutter in my chest swelled at the sight of him, but my resolve was firm. I walked up to him, clutching the money in my fist with a sense of finality. I gave him a harsh look, and without a word I shoved the money in his hand. It was more than what I owed him.

"What's this for?" Ace asked, even though we both knew.

"I'm settling my debt. We have no need to speak with each other anymore." I said. Ace scowled and threw it back to me. I nearly passed out at the sight of Ace Merrill returning money. Money was his reason for living, aside from easy girls.

"I don't want your money." He said, tossing his cigarette to the ground.

"I'll finish your assignments, don't worry. But outside of school, I don't want to know you." I said. I turned to go back where I came from, but Ace quickly stepped in front of me to block my path.

"What's with you? One day you blow hot, one day you blow cold..." He said, glaring at me, waiting for some sort of explanation.

"What's with you? Sometimes I see a good person, the John Merrill of Oxford Plains who smiles just because. And sometimes I see Ace Merrill, son of the devil himself. Which one is the real you?" I asked. Ace looked baffled.

"He had plenty of warning. You think I was about to let him get away with that?" Ace asked, his eyes wild with anger.

"You didn't have to almost kill him." I said coldly. Ace recoiled, like I'd struck him.

"I only threw two or three punches." Ace said.

"He's in the hospital, Ace. Did you punch him with a tire iron?" I folded my arms across my chest and waited for him to try and explain that one. But Ace looked genuinely bewildered.

"He was still standing when I left." Ace said with defiance. And I believed him. There was enough genuine shock on his face that Chris and Gordie might even have believed him, too.

"But I told him if he ever touched you again...I would kill him." Ace added. I shuddered at the tone of his voice. It was demonic, in a way.

"For God's sake, why do you care? I'm nothing to you." I said. I had hoped he would agree with me, tell me how scrawny and unimportant I was. I wanted him to deride me and compare me with all the other girls he took on dates, telling me I couldn't hold a candle to any of them.

It would have made my decision a lot easier.

Ace swallowed hard and looked at me with a sincerity that confused me and broke my heart. I didn't want to change my mind, but Ace closed the remaining distance between us. He ran his thumb along my cheekbone, coming to rest on my lips.

"You have no idea, do you?" I heard him say in a rough whisper. He looked me in the eyes and all my resolve to cut him loose from my life had disappeared. I could no more ignore him than I could ignore my daily hunger for food. There was no way.

He kissed me firmly, gently. He was taking his time, his lips moving smoothly against mine. It wasn't urgent and rough like our last kiss, when my passions had nearly taken over. This was a kiss that made a statement, and I heard it loud and clear.

He pulled me against him and I could feel his lips against my hair. I had never felt more loved, and I couldn't see how this man in front of me was capable of nearly killing someone. How could this person have beaten my cousin and his friends, and terrorized nearly everyone he came across?

It didn't make sense. None of this made sense.

I ran my fingers through his hair, pulling him to my lips again for another kiss. Whoever had stood in the wooded clearing that day on Back Harlow Road, brandishing his knife over the dead body of a kid named Ray Brower...it wasn't the man in front of me.


He took me to Castle Lake, like he'd done once before.

There was something on his mind, and I knew he was going to make himself talk about it.

When he pulled up next to the wide, shimmering waters of Castle Lake, I was struck by the beauty of the place for the first time. It truly was romantic, and I tried not to think about anything else but the moment.

Ace turned off the engine and sat silently for a bit. I waited, soldiering the dam against my own tidal wave of questions and demands. I bit my lower lip and admired the reflection of the partial moon against the clear surface of the lake.

"I'm not a monster." was all he said at first. He repeated it a few times, maybe to reassure himself. I wasn't convinced that Ace himself didn't think he was a monster behind all that flash and sass.

But I knew he wasn't a monster. I think I had known all along, somehow.

"If you didn't strike out Eyeball, then what the hell happened?" I murmured.

"Fuck if I know." Ace said. I wondered if he doubted that I believed in him. Believed in the Ace that wanted to be something else but didn't know if anyone would let him step out of his past.

And then the thing that had been burning on my tongue for weeks slipped out before I could catch it.

"Did you try to kill Chris?" I asked.

It was incredibly harsh, and Ace flinched at this like it really did hurt him. I'd never seen his emotions so vividly and unobscured before. I felt like I could see deeply inside him tonight.

"I don't know." He said. I could tell thinking about this was the last thing he wanted to do, but I wasn't going to be satisfied with anything less. Ace seemed to know that instinctively, and he was doing his best to discuss something he'd just as soon forget.

"Chris told me he stood his ground. And you pulled a knife on him." I said steadily, slowly.

Ace glanced straight ahead, his gaze flickering absently to Castle Woods just on the other side of the lake. It was as if he was watching an old movie projection of the day in question, broadcast way out over the water.

I knew he didn't like what he saw. But he didn't cower away from the vision.

"We wanted the kid. It was that simple." Ace said. He never looked at me, but his voice was steady and calm.

"If I woulda let that slide..." He began. I could hear the anger and humiliation in his voice. And even though Ace was still a big shot in Castle Rock, I knew he could feel some of his power loosening.

Ever since that day near the banks of the Royal River, kids had been gradually getting less and less afraid of Ace and the rest of the Cobras. Whether it was because of hearsay, or because the Cobras themselves had given up some of the fight, it had been happening all the same.

But nobody had ever mentioned as much out loud.

"You were going to kill him?" I asked. I waited with my breath caught inside my lungs. I felt like I was the frozen point on the end of the question.

"Sure, why not? I'm fucking Ace Merrill." He said in bitter mockery.

"Truth? You haven't lied to me, yet. Please don't start now." I said. I caught Ace's attention and he finally looked over at me with a puzzled and frustrated expression on his face.

"I already told you. I don't know." He said again. He grimaced and began fumbling around for a cigarette, behaving like anything but the cool, collected playboy.

"And I don't know which is worse. Thinking I woulda done it makes me a goddamn monster. Thinking I woulda choked right there means I'm chicken shit."

I watched Ace in fascination. I think I knew which one it was without him saying it, but I didn't know if he could handle this particular truth.

Being Ace Merrill afforded a certain amount of safety. It was the perfect image to hide behind, forever if necessary. Feeding off fear and keeping people at arm's length. Never having to worry if people didn't like you, because they would never see the "real" you. Just the devilish facsimile.

But it would have taken a lot of damn courage to start being John Merrill.

That was probably another big reason why he wanted to leave this town so badly.

I sighed quietly and looked out the window. I wanted to help him, and Chris. But Sister Gilbert had once warned me about trying play "savior" with people's lives. And as it was, I had problems of my own that needed to be dealt with.

"You were right about my dad." I admitted in the tense silence of the car. I started to laugh a little remembering the stream of curses he'd directed at those uncooperative pair of pants. It wasn't exactly justice, but it was close.

"What?"

"You said he probably wanted something. And you were right. He wanted me to move back to Chicago with him." I said. Ace's eyes shot over to me with a sense of tightly-reined panic.

"I'm not going. He wants a live-in maid and cook. And what a life, huh? He can get his suits pressed on time and a decent plate of meatloaf, and still have his fun." I said. Ace gave me a dark smile.

"That's a pretty common story." He said. I nodded, thinking it was downright cliche, but there it was.

"But at least the pressure's off. Mom knows he's here." I said. As soon as I'd changed the subject, I noticed Ace inching closer and closer to me on the seat. This both pleased and frightened me.

"There's something else. I know how you like your freedom and you're never tied down and stuff-" I said, coming to a complete halt when I felt Ace's hand on my thigh. Only a thin layer of denim kept our skin apart.

"That sounds a lot like me." Ace said with a wolfish grin. I couldn't stop staring at his hand but somehow managed to corral my thoughts together enough to finish my sentence.

"I mean, if I'm just a Sunday night girl and everything, and you've got Betty Malenfant and some other people...then I know you'll understand about my seeing Kenny Carmody. You know, as a friend." I said. Ace tightened his grip on my leg and his smile disappeared.

I didn't really want to start seeing Kenny, but I knew there was no getting around seeing him at least once or twice. My mother would nag me to death until I did. She and Mrs. Carmody were practically best friends now, and Jane had been nothing but kind to me.

Ace took his hand away and gave me a cold look.

"Is that all you wanna be, Doll?" Ace asked. My heart skipped a beat and I realized foolishly that I had been underestimating him. I licked my lips and inhaled nervously.

"No...but I could live with just being Marley." I replied. Ace's frozen expression thawed and he smiled one of those genuine smiles. God, it was beautiful. He was beautiful.

"Marley." He repeated with a grin. He leaned in to kiss me, calling me Marley one more time.