Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio

(Will, lying flat on the deck, wakes up aboard the Black Pearl)

Will (to ElizabethWhat happened to the chest?

Elizabeth: Norrington took it to draw them off. They were playing tag.

Will: They were? And I missed out? Why?!

Elizabeth: You were unconscious, Will.

Will: ...I…I…I can't think of a witty comeback! (storms off)

Pintel: You're pulling too hard!

Ragetti: You're not pulling hard enough! Zort!

Gibbs (to JackWhere's the Commodore?

Jack: He fell behind.

Gibbs (starts to giggle, then returns to a straight faceI—I mean…my prayers be with him. …But, best not wallow in our grief! The bright side is: you're back. And made it off free and clear!

(suddenly the Flying Dutchman surfaces alongside them, causing everyone to gasp)

Gibbs: Lord almighty. Deliver us.

(Jack elbows Gibbs in the sides angrily)

Jack: You jinxed it!

Gibbs: Sorry.

Jack (smilingIt's okay. (turns to Flying Dutchman, grabs his Jar Of Dirt, and yells to Davy across the water) Hey, Davizzle!

Davy: Is he calling me? Yeah, he's calling me. Definitely calling me. What is it, Sparrow?

Jack (showing Davy the Jar Of Dirt UP YOURS! HA!

Davy (to MaccusUp mine? Up my what?

Maccus: I think he means up your ass, sir.

Davy: Oh. (to Jack) What's in the Jar, Sparrow?!

Jack: Dirt. Lots and lots of dirt. And your heart. Plus some more dirt. And a little bit more dirt. And also your heart. But mostly just dirt.

Davy: Damn you, Jack Sparrow! You give that back RIGHT NOW! You definitely give it back!

Jack: No. Suck it.

Davy: Oh yeah, well….that's what your mama said last night! That's definitely what she said!

Jack: Oh, you didn't. Oh, no, you DIDN'T.

Gibbs (whispering to othersIt's on!

Jack (to DavyYo' mama's so fat, Christopher Columbus mistook her for the New World!

Davy: Yo' mama's so fat, she takes up seven rows at the movie theater!

Jack: Yo' mama's so fat, when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?!"

Davy: Yo' mama's so ugly, people dress up as her for Halloween!

Jack: Yo' mama's so ugly, she made an onion cry!

Davy: Yo' mama's so ugly, she shaves her pits with a lawnmower!

Jack: Yo' mama's so stupid, she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company!

Davy: Yo' mama's so stupid, it took her two hours to watch 60 Minutes!

Jack: Yo' mama's so stupid, I told her Christmas was just around the corner, and she went lookin'!

Davy: Yo' mama's so old, she flicked the switch when God said, "Let there be light!"

Jack: Yo' mama's so old, she knew Burger King when he was still a prince!

Davy: Yo' mama's so black, when she jumped in the pool, everyone cried, "Oil spill!"

Jack (to his crewThat's racist! He wants to fight dirty, does he? Fine, we'll fight dirty…. (to Davy) Your mom has a well-paying job and is a very respected member of society!

Davy: NOW YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR!!! DEFINITELY WAY TOO FAR!!! (barks) YOU TAKE THAT BACK!!! (keeps barking)

Jack (calmlyDavy?

Davy: Yes, Jack?

Jack: Your mom goes to college.

Davy: Enough! Definitely enough! (on cue, the Flying Dutchman's cannon covers slide down, revealing the cannons)

Jack (in a low voiceHard to starboard.

Elizabeth: Hard to starboard!

Will: Brace up the foreyard!

Gibbs: Hard to starboard!

Elizabeth (whacking Gibbs upside the head I already said that!

Davy: Send his beloved Pearl back to the depths. Definitely back to the depths.

Maccus: Fire all!

(heavy cannonade fires from the Flying Dutchman, blowing large holes in the Black Pearl; Pintel and Ragetti look through the gaping hole in the stern and see the Dutchman following them)

Pintel: She's on us! She's on us!

Davy: Let them taste the triple guns. Definitely the triple guns, definitely.

Ogilvey: Aye, Captain.

(triple-barreled cannons fire, the barrels rotating after each blast; one cannonball narrowly misses Gibbs)

Gibbs: Aye! That was close!

Jack: Well, maybe if you had been standing a few feet to the right (motions Gibbs a few feet to the right) you wouldn't have to take the risk of it being close. It could be exact.

Gibbs: Fool! I don't want it to be close! I don't want to be hit by their cannon fire!

Jack: What about ours?

Gibbs: I don't want to be hit by anyone's cannon fire!

Jack: Well why didn't you say that in the first place?!

Gibbs: Do you know anyone who wants to get hit by cannon fire?!

Jack: Yes.

Gibbs: ...Who?

Jack: The emo kids—they hate their lives.

Gibbs: Right.

Jack: I'll go get 'em. (starts running off)

Gibbs: Wait, we have emo kids on our ship?! No, don't, Jack! Don't bring them here, please! JACK!

Pintel (patting the side railing Hmm…woody.

Will: That's what she said.

Pintel: You can stop doing that now, Will.

Will: She said that, too.

Pintel: Stop telling me what they said! I don't care what they said!

Will: …Why can't I think of a witty comeback?! (storms off)

Elizabeth (seeing the Dutchman falling behind She's falling behind!

Gibbs: She is? (looks for confirmation) Aye, hot diggity, yes she is! We've got her!

Will: We're the faster?

Gibbs: Against the wind the Dutchman beats us. That's how she takes her prey. But with the wind….

Will: We rob her advantage.

Gibbs: Aye!

Davy (to crew Oh no! Definitely oh no! They're out of range! Definitely out of range!

Maccus: Are we giving up, sir?

Davy: Only pussies give up.

Maccus: And you're not a pussy.

Davy: Definitely not a pussy. I'm a dog, definitely, definitely a dog.

Maccus: So what do we do?

(Davy smirks)

Maccus: Sir? Sir? Facial expressions aren't very clear orders, sir.

Davy: The Kraken Hammer! Definitely the Kraken Hammer!

Maccus: Righty-o.

(the crew of the Dutchman is whipped as they raise the Kraken Hammer)

Marty: They're giving up! (cheers with the rest of the Pearl crew)

Will (to Jack My father is on that ship. If we can outrun her, we can take her. We should turn and fight! …And what are you doing with those emo kids?

Jack (looking at the small group of emo pre-teens and teens surrounding him They're a voluntary sacrifice, should we need one. They hate their lives, so they have no problem giving them up.

Emo Girl: I love My Chemical Romance.

Jack: Good for you. (to Will) Now, Willy, think about it: why fight when you can negotiate? All one needs…is the proper leverage.

(Suddenly, the Pearl is badly jarred, causing the Jar Of Dirt to fall to the deck and spill out all the dirt)

Jack: J.O.D.! (he runs down to the spilled dirt and searches frantically for the now-gone heart) Where is it? Where is the thump-thump?

Sweepy: We must've hit a reef!

Will: No. It's not a reef! Get away from the rail!

Elizabeth: What is it?

Will: The Kraken.

Ragetti: Egad! It's about time! I was getting hungry, you know, Brain.

(Pintel looks at the audience, sighs, and then turns back to Ragetti)

Pintel: No, Ragetti. It's the crackers.

(Ragetti gets a shocked expression on his face)

Pintel: There you go.

Will: Everybody, to arms!

Gibbs: All guns, defend the masts!

Jack (to emo kids Are you guys ready?

Emo Boy: I love Panic! At The Disco.

Jack: So that's a yes? All right, let's do this. (pats the boy on the back)

Will: It'll attack the starboard. I've seen it before. Break out the cannons and hold for my signal!

(slowly, the Kraken's tentacles start to crawl up the hull with a deep rumbling sound)