Forever and Always
Human
Casey had fallen asleep on the couch. Severide couldn't quite believe the sight in front of him, Casey was back in the apartment. He'd even told Severide that he loved him although Severide wasn't sure if things would ever get back to normal for them both. His heart sank when he thought about Casey's reasons for the separation and he felt as though he should have known something was wrong. In a way he had, but he hadn't pressed the matter and he should have done. He should have made Casey talk to him, to tell him what was wrong, and he was now scared about the future, Casey hadn't explained any of the details but he knew how serious the situation was with his health, it had been serious before but now it had declined rapidly.
His gaze remained on Casey, he didn't want to tear his eyes away from the sleeping form, he wanted to touch him and to hold him, to comfort him and to take care of him but Casey felt like precious china to him now. He'd felt so fragile when he'd wrapped his arms around him earlier, like he could shatter into a thousand pieces. After a while Casey moaned a little as he stirred in his sleep, his eyes fluttered open. "Hey..." Severide smiled down at him. "I'll help you to bed. You shouldn't sleep on the couch, but I didn't want to wake you."
Casey started to sit up. "Need to go. Pumpkin," he said simply.
"She got food and water?"
"Uh huh." He nodded a little.
"She'll be fine then, Midnight is fine when I'm on shift," Severide reassured him.
"You should take her," he mumbled as he lay back down, too tired and too sore to remain half sitting.
"What?" Severide frowned.
"Pumpkin. I'm not doing a great job at looking after her. Or myself," he added as an afterthought.
"I've not been doing a great job of looking after myself either," Severide admitted. "I've drank a lot."
"I lost a few litres of blood, ended up unconscious in the ER," he confessed.
"I've slept around… a lot."
"I've permanently damaged my knee, well, my whole leg. Probably won't walk without crutches again," he told Severide, a mixed expression across his face.
"What happened?" Severide asked softly. "How did you dislocate it?"
Casey shrugged. "Got out of bed," he said with a wry smile.
"I should have been there," Severide commented.
"I pushed you away."
"I let you," Severide pointed out.
Casey just shook his head. "I should have handled things differently. Can we leave it at that?"
"We both should have handled things differently, let's leave it at that."
"Ok." He nodded. "And I really do need to go home, I don't carry all my meds round with me."
"Right, of course," Severide began. "Well, stay for dinner at least then I'll drive you home?"
"Erm…"
Severide smiled. "You really look like you need some dinner."
A couple of hours later Severide was helping Casey out of his car and up to his front door. "Thanks for the ride," Casey said as he dug out his keys.
"Are you going to be ok?" Severide asked.
He just shrugged a little. "Do you want to come inside?" he questioned as he opened the door. "Pumpkin would probably like to see you."
Severide stepped through the threshold and looked around the house. "It's tidier than my apartment." He bent down for a moment and greeted Pumpkin, she'd come bounding over the moment Casey had opened the door.
"That's not my doing," Casey admitted. "Someone comes by twice a week to help me keep on top of things, doctor made it mandatory."
"Oh…" he mouthed as he stood back up.
"Yeah… turns out I can't look after myself but that's ok, I just need a little help with some things," Casey explained, tipping his head to the side.
"That sounds very…"
"Not like me?" He smiled, letting out a huff of air. "Think I've finally accepted what I can and can't do, sometimes it's just a mental thing, my head just goes to this place and I can't bring myself out of it on my own. I won't get out of bed, won't shower or eat. Then other times I can't physically do stuff, like vacuuming and cleaning the bathroom, sometimes it's not my head that won't let me get out of bed when I want."
Severide was happy that Casey was finally talking to him, telling him something about what was going on now. "You sound like you're managing better than I thought you would, not that I thought you'd be unable to look after yourself, I just… I didn't expect all this."
"Oh, don't worry, I have been a complete mess for the last four and a half months, only just got my act together, I'm sure it'll all come crumbling down again soon."
"Well, you know you can call me, right?" Severide said encouragingly.
"I did try to call you, but I never did, I couldn't, I just wanted you to forget about me."
"You're unforgettable, Matt," Severide told him. "And I mean it, just call me whenever you need me, I'll always be here for you, I do love you."
"I love you too."
"Maybe we could do date night one evening this week?"
"I'd like that."
Very little changed over the next few days but Casey felt lighter, like a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders, and thinking about the upcoming date night kept him smiling. However when the day finally approached he knew from the moment he woke up it wasn't going to be a successful day. He called Severide as he lay in bed, unable to move, to cancel their evening plans.
"Hey, it's me," Casey began when Severide picked up the phone.
"Looking forward to tonight?" Severide greeted cheerfully.
"Actually, that's why I'm calling... erm... can we maybe do it another night?"
Severide hesitated for a moment before responding. "Yeah, sure, Matt, is everything all right?"
"Just a bad day," he explained.
"Well, why don't I bring date night to you?"
"Kel, it's…"
"Please?" Casey could tell Severide was grinning into the phone as he spoke.
"Ok," he accepted with a smile at Severide's persistence.
Severide turned up at Casey's door that evening with a brown paper bag of food in one hand, and a bottle of Casey's favourite wine in the other. He knocked and waited. It was some time before Casey answered the door, wearing only boxers and a t-shirt with a thick hoody over the top, his prosthetic, leg brace and scars all exposed as he stood there resting on his crutches. "Sorry, takes me so long to do anything, you should just let yourself in next time." Casey smiled at him.
His heart flipped, firstly at Casey's suggestion of a next time and secondly, at his smile. "Do you need a hand?" Severide asked as he stepped into the house, glancing down at Casey's lower half.
"I can't..." He shook his head, referring to wearing pants. "You don't mind, do you?"
"Of course not," Severide grinned, "You can lounge around nude for all I care." There was a glint in his eye as he stepped inside and closed the door behind him.
"It's too cold for that," he responded with a roll of his eyes.
"Walking into your house is like walking into an oven."
"Really?" He half laughed. "My circulation's getting worse I think…" He faltered a little. "And I really need to sit down…"
"Here..." Severide put the paper bag and wine down, he approached Casey and helped him over to the couch.
"Longest I've stood up all day." He sighed as he sat down on the couch.
"That's why it's been a bad day?" Severide asked him gently, just drawing a silent nod from Casey. "How are you doing pain-wise?"
Casey forced a smile. "I'm trying not to take too many pills."
"It's got worse?"
"No." Casey shook his head. "But I think my tolerance to the pain has..." He trailed off and smiled again. "Anyway… aren't we supposed to be doing date night?"
Severide smiled back. "I brought noodles and wine."
"Noodles and wine? Wow..." He grinned, chuckling.
"Well, I wasn't sure if you'd be up to eating much, and they're from that organic deli and there's no added salt and stuff so…"
"It's perfect, Kelly," Casey said. "Thank you for this. Today's not so bad after all."
A while later they were sitting on the couch with the empty takeaway boxes in front of them on the coffee table, both had a glass of wine although Casey hadn't touched his. The TV was on but neither of them were paying much attention to the basketball game, they spent their time catching up with each other, or at least Severide was filling Casey in on the latest firehouse gossip. When Casey's wristwatch chimed he went to grab his crutches but Severide stopped him. "Meds in the nightstand?" he asked as he stood up.
"You don't need…"
"By the time you get there and back I'll be growing grey hairs," Severide teased as he made his way into Casey's bedroom. He opened the night stand drawer, raised his eyebrow when he saw the large amount of medication stacked up, including what he recognised as sleeping pills in one of the small orange pots, he vowed not to bring them up in conversation yet. The sight of them was concerning but it looked like Casey had only used half the prescription amount, of course he didn't know if he'd had previous ones. He tried not to think into it too much and took out the medication organiser, closed the drawer then took the box to Casey along with a glass of water. "You've got more than you used to have," he commented softly as he watched Casey swallow them in two lots.
"They've got me on more pills for my heart," Casey explained simply. "ACE inhibitors, beta blockers..." he listed off.
"Are they helping?" Severide asked. Casey hadn't really told him anything about his worsening health and he didn't want to push the matter. The trick with Casey was to let him take his own time when it came to opening up and Severide was just going to have to be patient
"I don't know." He looked at Severide with a serious expression, "They don't really make me feel much better, in fact the doctor thinks they're all making me even dizzier, the Something was making me throw up too but that seems to have stopped now, he said my body just needed to get used to the meds, still get nauseous but there's no alternatives so…" he trailed off, just shrugging.
"They're not going to make you better, are they?"
He shook his head. "They're just slowing it all down. Hopefully."
"There's nothing else they can do?"
"Not really."
"I'm sorry, Matt."
He grinned at that. "Why are you sorry? You didn't cause it."
"I… I don't know, I don't really know what to say about it all."
Casey simply leant in and pressed his own lips to Severide's for a few beautiful moments before he sat back and smiled. "You don't need to say anything."
"I missed those lips," Severide spoke before going back in for a second kiss.
It was still early in the evening when Severide helped Casey into his bedroom so he could sleep comfortably. Casey was hardly aware of lying down on his bed and sinking into the bed covers while Severide pulled off his hoody and removed his prosthetic for him. He woke up in the early hours of the morning surprised to discover Severide sitting in his bedroom.
"You stayed?" he asked quietly as he sat up a little in the bed, pushing himself up with his arms to lie back against the headboard.
Severide nodded as he watched him. "I can't lie, I do worry about you here on your own," he told Casey.
"I don't deserve you," Casey replied tiredly. "I lost track of when you were on shift, that scared me, I lost control of everything and if something ever happened to you I don't know what I'd do… Kelly, are you sure you want this? I was a mess before and now… well…" Casey struggled to verbalize what he was feeling and thinking.
"I want this. I want you," Severide reassured him. "All I want is you."
"Ok," he accepted. "Sorry for being so… so needy."
"You're allowed to be needy." Severide grinned. "In fact, I love it when you're needy. Please tell me how can make things easier for you?"
"Tonight was good, best night I've had… since… well you know."
"I can provide date night every night if that makes things easier," Severide said, still grinning.
"Wouldn't be special then."
"I'm not really doing anything tomorrow, you?"
"Dialysis and an ECG," Casey replied with a wry smile. "Living the good life."
"Can I drive you?"
"Really?"
"I wouldn't ask if I didn't want to."
"Ok then..." he replied cautiously. "Are you sure?"
"How much damage did that oxygen deprivation really cause?" Severide teased with a small laugh. "I am sure. Trust me. I want to drive you. I want to spend all the time I can with you. If you'll let me?"
"I want you to," he responded, looking straight into Severide's eyes. "But I don't want to hurt you again. I will hurt you again."
"How do you know that?"
"I don't… I just… I can't risk hurting you again…"
"Shh…" Severide started. "Stop talking. I'm gonna lie next to you and I'm gonna hold you whilst you fall asleep, and I'll be here when you wake up, ok?"
"Ok." He smiled, he really didn't think he deserved the forgiveness Severide had given his actions. The look on Severide's face when he'd broken up with him out of the blue would always linger at the front of his mind, but he soon relaxed into Severide's hold as he drifted off to sleep.
It didn't take Severide long to follow him and they both slept peacefully for an hour or so until Severide was woken by Casey who was moaning and trembling in his sleep in the throes of a nightmare. He awoke soaked in sweat and mumbling incoherently. When Casey gathered his senses he simply settled back into Severide's hold silently.
Severide wasn't sure if he should say anything or just let him fall back to sleep. He chose to remain silent but after a few moments Casey spoke up quietly. "I was scared," he began, still facing away from Severide as he was held in his arms. "Scared I was going to die alone. Selfish of me really..."
"You're allowed to be selfish, and Matt, I'll never let that happen, ok? I won't let you die alone."
"I'm sorry I pushed you away," he mumbled.
"I'm sorry that I let you. You push people away so you don't hurt them but it did hurt. And I was scared that I'd never get over it," Severide admitted.
"You were scared?"
"I'm always scared. You're allowed to be scared."
"I don't want to be scared of anything."
"Then you wouldn't be human."
Casey shifted as much as his body allowed and turned to Severide, frowning. "Why don't you hate me?" It was something he still didn't understand, after the hurt he had caused he didn't know how Severide had forgiven him so easily.
"Because I love you."
He looked away as he spoke. His words were almost a whisper. "You should hate me."
"I know how your head works, probably better than you do at times," Severide began, gently running his fingers over Casey's arm. "I understand why you did it."
"You know me better than anyone, so why didn't I just tell you?"
"Because in your own little twisted way you didn't want to hurt me and I understand that, which is why I don't hate you, I could never hate you."
After a few moments Casey looked back to him. "You understand, don't you? You understand if I don't get a kidney I might not even have years, a year even... and that's if there aren't any complications… it's all just gonna get worse."
"What if you got a heart? What if a heart was available before a kidney?"
"It would just fail like this one," he explained simply. "They can keep giving me meds, I could have surgery in the future but nothing except a kidney will stop it from failing, everything they can do will just delay the inevitable, and even then it might not delay it by much and… and we'll get to a point where even a kidney won't do anything, nothing will reverse the damage so… so can we just enjoy things now? I don't want to regret anything."
"Is…" Severide hesitated, a knot had formed in his throat. "Is there anything you do want to do?"
Casey's face broke into a grin. "What? Like a bucket list?" He laughed softly..
"Why are you laughing?" Severide was smiling now but there was a perplexed look in his eyes.
"It's just… funny," he said as he shrugged. "And I really don't think there's anything that I'd make a bucket list for. I don't wanna climb mountains or go skydiving or… I dunno… I just wanna lie in bed with you, go outside when there's fresh snow, when it crunches when you walk… I want to stay up all night and watch the sunrise, I just want to be with you."
"Well, I think you just made your bucket list," Severide spoke quietly, he was smiling but inside he could feel his heart breaking as he thought of a future without Casey in his life.
The next day, after a quick trip to his apartment to check on Midnight, Severide took Casey to his dialysis session. Shelley was pleased to see him and pleased to see the smile that graced Casey's face. From then on Severide continued to drive Casey to and from his appointments whenever he wasn't on shift. He looked forward to spending time with Casey despite so much of it involving hanging around in hospital corridors or in designated waiting areas. Since Casey tended to sleep throughout his dialysis sessions Severide made good use of the time to go and do errands, but he would always be back ready to greet Casey with a smile when he woke up.
Almost two weeks passed by and they'd been spending more and more time together, Casey was happier although Severide could tell he was much weaker, became tired even quicker than he used to and ended up spending a lot of his time lounging on the couch or sleeping, even though he'd much rather be doing something productive. Severide had taken to sending Casey text messages throughout the day when he wasn't with him. He'd tell Casey that it was ok if he couldn't get out of bed, that it was ok if all he could do was eat a little and take his pills, that he was allowed to rest and spend the day in the house. Every message ended with Severide telling Casey that he loved him no matter what, and that he'd be with him soon. Those reassurances and messages from Severide made Casey's days so much better and bearable
Severide was sitting outside the dialysis unit, cell phone to his ear, having been on hold for the past thirty minutes. He was tapping his knee impatiently and scowling heavily, but on seeing Casey wheel himself through the door the scowl turned into a grin and he simply hung up.
The very second Casey saw Severide's expression he realised something was wrong. Severide had this constant worried look on his face these days, always trying to hide it from Casey but never succeeding. Casey stopped next to him and reached for his hand. "Are you all right?"
"Am I all right?" Severide repeated incredulously, trying to keep his voice from cracking.
"Hey, I'm gonna be ok." He smiled at Severide, warming his heart. "I might be dying a little sooner than planned but that's ok."
Severide just stared into his eyes, shaking his head. "I don't want you to die at all."
"I know, and I know that I was an idiot for not telling you but you see why I didn't? I mean, look at you, you're a weeping mess! I've turned a Squad Lieutenant into a weeping mess. "
"I'm not crying," Severide insisted, almost looking away.
"Yeah? What are those tears doing?" He grinned.
"Got something in my eye…" Severide muttered and they both began to laugh together.
TBC
