20 GOLDEN RULES FOR THE PARENTS OF HOGWARTS STUDENTS
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10 GOLDEN RULES FOR MUGGLE PARENTS
1. For your own sake, you'd better have spent the first eleven years of your child's life getting to know them. If you didn't, and they go to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, you will not be getting another chance to do so any time soon. In fact, unless you are already close to them, they will not spare you another thought until your spawn decide the time is ripe for them to procreate.
2. If, by some small miracle, you actually have a vaguely affectionate relationship with your child then you had better keep it up, unless you want this relationship disappearing into the ether without your say-so. This means lengthy, bi-weekly letters, spectacular Birthday and Christmas presents, meticulously planned school holidays and anything else you can think of that will keep your child interested in maintaining contact. In their new, magical environment, your child will be strongly encouraged to forget about your existence. Only you can stop them doing this.
3. If your child is attacked by the King of Serpents and left to lie in a hospital bed for much of her second year (or involved in any similarly incapacitating accidents) don't expect to hear about it until the kid comes home for the holidays. As a muggle, the school administration does not think you are worth keeping informed. If you argue with them on this point, you will be labelled as over-aggressive, interfering, emotionally unstable, and quite possibly a "Wizard-hater" for attempting to contradict such revered Wizarding traditions as child neglect. This label will endanger you, your child and your entire extended family if certain elements of society are made aware of the fact.
4. Curiously, if you do not argue with them on this point, you'll be labelled as an uncaring, callous muggle who doesn't give a damn about your child's welfare and probably hates the kid because (you guessed it) he/she is a Wizard. You will, once again, be labelled as a "Wizard-hater" with the similar results to the scenario described above.
5. Frankly, the only way to avoid the label of "Wizard Hater", and the associated dangers, is to adore your magical child more than any other children you may have, let him/her away with whatever magical hijacks they feel like (even if it terrifies you and your other children), give the child the funds to buy anything he/she wants to 'further their magical education' (even if you know full-well that nose-biting teacups are useless junk), and cheerfully let the school and it's Headmaster get away with endangering your child any way they see fit. Do all of the above with a big smile on your face, and you might get out unscathed. From wizards anyway. If there's any justice in the world then your other kids will hurt you.
6. Speaking of funding, you may well be expected to shell out ludicrous sums of money to pay for things that you don't really understand. If you refuse, you risk the possibility of your child having a snit in the near vicinity of a generous older benefactor (Read: either pervert or terrorist) who will quickly have more sway over your child than you do. After all, buying the kid that much-coveted emu-feather quill is far more important than seventeen years of parenting. (By "Ludicrous sums of money" I mean "upwards of a hundred galleons". And by "things you don't really understand" I mean "racing brooms with a three-hundred percent mark-up that are exactly the same as cheaper models".)
7. When your child comes home for the holidays, you may feel compelled to take them on a vacation of sorts. This is fine, but you must be made aware of two things - 1. If you take the kid off to do something decidedly 'Muggle' (I.e. skiing, fishing, sailing, scuba-diving, etc.) then they will give every outward appearance of distaste. They may well be thrilled on the inside, but they can't possibly admit to it, as their peers will have already labelled them "weird" because of it. 2. If you then decide to go the other way entirely and factor in things like Wizarding History or Quidditch into the holiday, your child will forget you entirely while they pursue the above undertakings. No matter how 'cool' you think you are, you cannot change this last one.
8. Never ask your son or daughter what goes on in the following classes: Care of Magical Creatures, Potions, Transfiguration, Defence Against the Dark Arts, Charms, Divanation, or advanced Herbology. Not only will you not like the answers, but you may faint dead-away upon hearing about Care of Magical Creatures. Nothing good can be gained from this.
9. If you somehow come to learn of the goings on in the Care of Magical Creatures class and phrases such as "reckless endangerment", "child abuse", "blatant favouritism", "incompetent teaching", and "borderline lunacy" enter your head, you'd be best to get rid of them as soon as possible. It's not that these phrases are inaccurate in anyway, but the fact is that Professor Hagrid is one of the Headmaster's favoured individuals (which explains how he got the job despite being kicked out of school at thirteen) and can do no wrong in the eyes of the headmaster. Frankly, unless he kills someone, the Professor in question will not lose his post. Even then, he will have had to kill someone without any Gryffindor witnesses, and incontrovertible evidence. Otherwise he'd be let off.
10. If you have any problems at all to discuss with the headmaster, don't bother trying. He will either ignore your letters, or ignore your concerns in your personal meeting with him. He may also end up hitting you upside the head with a glass. You are, so far as the Wizarding World is concerned, inferior. Inferiority translates nicely into Inconsequentiality - parental rights be damned. And no, before you ask, there's nothing you can do about this.
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10 GOLDEN RULES FOR MAGICAL PARENTS
1. If you have a story involving you, another human being and love potion, your children do not need or want to hear it. Even if the potion was not administered, the story will still involve you being sexually attracted to another person or another person being attracted to you. We do not want to know this. If this concept causes confusion, try to imagine your own parents telling you a story involving Love Potions. If you're still a bit bewildered, replace the phrase "Love Potions" with "Tequila Shots in Ibiza". Get the picture?
2. Due to the close-knit nature of Wizarding society, you will probably know of some children that are your child's age, even before your child is sent to Hogwarts. Presumably you doubt your child's ability to attract companions on his/her own, otherwise you would not feel the need to arrange meetings between the children in question. Fair enough. I suppose it could help the kid. However if your son/daughter then goes to school and - for whatever reason - has nothing to do with the child you set them up with way back when, you are NOT entitled to constantly ask after this kid, describe how wonderful they were, say how much happier your kid would be if they associated with them, and negatively compare your child's current friends to this other person. It's none of your business. It's a close-knit community, not a prison camp. So leave your kid alone, you psychotic, controlling nutcase.
3. Muggle parents have the luxury of not knowing about Quidditch. You don't. You know that your child will be hurtling around on a stick, fifty-feet up in the air at approximately eighty-miles an hour, while being pursued by semi-sentient cannon-balls and angry people with sturdy-sticks. Don't you dare attempt to stop them participating in it, though. If you feel tempted to, take comfort in the fact that less than three-percent of students actually get onto the teams anyway.
4. Similarly, you know what happens in classes. If you're going to complain about the horrors that go on in Care of Magical Creatures, you'd better be on the Board of Directors. Otherwise, stay quiet. Your kid will never live it down.
5. Don't go to the school unless you have a valid business reason for being there. Ever. Seriously. Your child has a reputation, and no matter how bad it is it will only get worse if you turn up. At least the Muggle parents know they won't get in, and don't bother trying.
6. If your child gets sorted into a House you disapprove of, be sure to make them feel inadequate for the rest of their natural lives.
7. Passive aggressive treatment of your offspring is hardly encouraged, but will not be commented upon by the teachers. In other words, feel free to subject your kids to Howlers, embarrassing jumpers, hideous sandwiches and the certain (perpetually reinforced) knowledge that you like their friend more than you like them. No one will ever say anything about it.
8. If your child arrives on Platform Nine-and-three-quarters resembling a slug, sporting new scars, with permanent pustules on her face, or suffering from any other assorted maladies, then no one will be held accountable. Not the train people, if it happened there, and certainly not the school. You went to Hogwarts, you know how it works. Don't start complaining now.
9. Never question why your child can't just Floo directly to Hogwarts Castle. It's ever so much fun sitting around on a slow-moving, cramped, tin-can for a whole day with nothing to do, and the journey up to the Castle itself is always a treat. Yes, a few carriages do occasionally get blown into the lake with passengers still inside, but it's the experience that's important.
10. No matter how inadequate or uncaring a parent you may appear to be, you can always rest assured that you will be thought of as a superior parent to any Muggle parents you may come in contact with. If anyone ever questions how this can possibly be so, what with them actually liking their kids, knowing them, spending time with them and whatnot, just give this reply: "Sure, they may be better parents than me. But I can do dishes just by waving a stick. Top that."
