The Gaze and the Glance
Author's Note: Okay, so...one more and an epilogue, haha. It just wouldn't all fit in this chapter, and I got a couple of different ideas as I was writing it that made this a little longer than I anticipated. You know the drill, keep reading. :)
Chapter 28
Right hook...duck...roll...claws...shit! A particular fast swing from the android opponent -currently wearing a Purifier hologram- nearly knocked Julia off her feet. She swung her arm up into a defensive position, while trying to add more power to her free hand claws, hoping to gain more reach without resorting to a sword-arm, which had far less precision and control.
Instead, however, the arm raised in a defensive position warped -with no permission on her part- into a lethal-looking scythe-like blade, phasing through the arm she had only wanted to block and causing it to fall dead.
"Damnit! End simulation!" Julia shouted, much annoyed at this recent development. Around her, the Danger Room settings died off and she let her arms drop, the Purifier fading away to the generic metal shell that had been underneath. Julia gave her oddly-shaped arm a scathing look, and focused hard on returning it to its normal five-fingered form. Ever since that elbow-spike business in the fight with Lance, she had found the weaponized version of her powers much more...unpredictable? She seemed to always be sprouting spikes of energy in odd places, or, like just now, her form changing at random while she was in the Danger Room.
Julia walked towards the locker room, shifting back into human form as she headed for her pile of clothes near what had once been her locker. Kicking her gym shoes off next to the pile, Julia sat on the bench and opened the bottle of water next to her bag, knowing she wouldn't have the room to herself much longer, as the X-Men were having a training run soon.
This set her thoughts down another path. She was still at odds with most of them, especially Scott. Truthfully, if he had his way, she wouldn't even be allowed on the grounds; he was still very, very upset about the whole mess. As it was, if she ventured anywhere besides the Danger Room -which the Professor had explicitly told him she was allowed to use- or Kurt's room, she often found Scott hovering over her shoulder, as though he was just waiting for her to screw-up so he could kick her out again. It didn't help that she hadn't been able to tell him the full truth, and he knew he was only getting part of the story.
That said, she had ended up telling Kurt everything, all the details about SHIELD getting her out of the MRD lock-up. Mostly, she supposed, it was because she had wanted to find some kind of trust between them again; if not Kurt, who could she trust? Telling him the whole truth had seemed, at the time, to be the best way to re-establish the trust. Besides, as far as she had been able to tell, the only part SHIELD really didn't want her discussing was that they had designed the bombs in the first place and that Lance had been part of their black-ops, and she was fairly certain Kurt wouldn't be telling the media about that sort of thing any time soon. He hadn't taken the facts very well though. Kurt hadn't said anything, hadn't reprimanded her in anyway, but she had seen the disappointment in her lingering under the surface in his silent response. It had been the easy way out, and they both knew it, but she hadn't felt like she had a lot of choices at the time. The main arms-dealer who supplied radiation weapons to the Purifiers was down, and she had gotten both their names off the MRD's wanted list. She was fairly certain the pros outweighed the cons. Either way, it was something they had silently agreed to disagree upon, and since she had told him the whole truth, and mentioned SHIELD had told her not to tell anyone, they hadn't been on the best of terms. Not arguing exactly, but most of the conversations between them the last two or three days had merely involved pleasantries and small talk until one of both of them made an excuse to be somewhere else.
After the initial, happy welcome-home, there was obviously a lot of repairing that needed to be done to their relationship. Specifically, it seemed from her end.
And on top of all this, there was the fact her powers were acting up that she was going to have to deal with soon. Yesterday, she had unconsciously absorbed the power from three or four batteries before Violet had given up and replaced the old ones in the smoke-alarm herself, and at least once or twice in a Danger Room session, her powers would take their own initiative and do something she didn't mentally command. She had thought it, originally, to perhaps be an after effect of the MRD power-grids, but now she was beginning to wonder if the problem was rooted somewhere deeper. Somewhere with her. Part of her wanted to ask Hank his opinion, but at the same time, she didn't see how he could help. How did you tell when there was an illness in a body made nearly-completely out of a foreign energy that still couldn't quite be classified? It might not even be a physical problem at all, for everything she knew. Though Professor Xavier had been more than willing to act the part of psychologist for her, she still couldn't bring herself to mention it to him. She wanted to try and figure it out herself first, since it was her body and her mutation that was going berserk. Or maybe she just didn't want to consider the fact she was somehow losing it.
No sense in dwelling on answers I don't have I suppose. Julia decided, running her fingers though her hair and changing out of her work-out clothes.
In the hallway, she ran into Scott, literally almost headlong into his chest, and they both had the same instant, guarded reaction, both clearly regarded each other as a possible hostile. She noticed one of Scott's eyebrows darting above the lenses of his glasses as he glanced at the control console behind her.
"Still killing Purifiers I see," He observed nonchalantly.
"Practicing not killing them actually. Not that it matters to you, I'm sure," Julia responded, her tone almost matching his. She turned on her heel and headed for the main level of the Institute, in no mood to deal with Scott and his crap. She couldn't say, at this point, that she expected anything out of him but unkindness, nor could she say for certain that she was entirely undeserving.
"I wanted to ask you something," He spoke up suddenly, and the usual note of contempt in his voice when he spoke to her lately was noticeably absent. Politely, Julia halted, though she wasn't sure yet whether she planned to answer him. Depended on the question, she supposed.
"Alright. Fire away."
"Why did you take the deal with SHIELD?"
"Figures," Julia said under her breath. Scott had an unfortunate habit of thinking he was entitled to know everything; Julia had a sneaking suspicion it was one of the central reasons he and Logan didn't get along. And Jean of course, but she was more or less the main cause to begin with. "Look, Scott, that's none of your business. It was my decision, not yours. It has nothing to do with you."
"I disagree," Scott argued, sharply enough that Julia stopped again mid-step. "I lead the X-Men remember? And if you ever want any part of my approval to get back on this team, you owe me some goddamn answers."
Despite the accusatory tone, he had kept his voice relatively low-volume and Julia figured that was really the only reason she turned to meet his ruby-colored glasses, her fingers wrapped tightly around the strap of her bag. "Fine. I'll explain, and hopefully in terms you'll understand. Suppose you knew Jean was going to die. Suppose I told you I was going to kill her, that I was going to march up to library, put my claws through her brain and forever destroy the physical part of her mind. What would you do?"
"Kill you," He said simply, his hand raising to the frame of his glasses, as though actually worried she might be serious.
"Was it a hard decision?" He stared back at Julia silently. "I didn't think so. And that, Scott, is my answer for you. Destiny, who I'm sure you've met before, told me something about the future, told me that Kurt and I were going to get killed, either by the MRD or the Purifiers. I would have done whatever it took to protect him. SHIELD offered me a way to at least stop part of the threat, so I took the deal. I don't know what I'll do about the Purifiers yet, but if it becomes a choice between Kurt and one of them, I'll kill again. Without hesitation."
"You can't-"
"You just said you were willing to kill me for Jean. How in the hell is that any different?" Julia snapped, starting to get extremely irritated. This, she supposed, was what had bothered her about the X-Men; the endless moralizing. The endless making of excuses for the humans they wouldn't touch. You could justify killing a mutant, especially an 'evil' one, but humans were somehow exempt from the morality they were supposed to follow. It seemed as though no matter what crimes they committed, they were untouchable, and that fact irritated her more than anything else. Scott seemed a little bewildered for a moment, then spat:
"It was only hypothetical!"
"Yeah, well, from where I stand, Mister Leader, you do a lot of lecturing and excuse-making, and leave the hard choices to someone else. You always talk about ideals, and morals, and ethics, and what the X-Men stand for, and you never seem consider the mutant lives at stake. Ideals are great Scott, but they're no good if no one is willing to stand behind them, ideals alone aren't going protect mutants from all the hatred out there."
"And you think your endless revenge cycle will?"
"Hey, don't forget you dropped all your supposed morals as soon as I mentioned Jean getting caught up in the mess, you're not better than me Scott, so stop acting like you are. I'm just saying that somewhere along the line, a stand has to be made. The X-Men shouldn't let people, normal people, walk all over them, it doesn't do much for inspiring faith in anyone else."
Scott looked like he was going to argue more, his hand raised as though to jab a finger at her, but instead he simply lowered his hand and frowned.
"If you have so little faith in what we do, why did you bother coming back? Why are you here now if you don't even believe in the ideals?"
"I don't know yet."
Scott frowned again. This time it seemed to almost be a sneer. "Well, if you ever do make this stand of yours, forgive me if I don't stand by you. I prefer not getting locked up by the MRD."
"I'd hardly expect you to. You certainly didn't before, when I really could have used someone on my side," Julia snapped, both hurt and infuriated by the statement. So she had broken the rules, she understood that, she really and truly did, but, that said, Scott had never tried to ship Logan off to the MRD. He hadn't even given her the benefit of the doubt, or listened to her when she tried to explain, tried to make sense of the fact she had killed someone. And now, it was only worse.
She turned on her heel again and marched away from Scott as fast as her feet would carry her without actually running, and it took her until she reached the gates of the school grounds and her vision had blurred horribly to realize she was crying. Angrily, she wiped at the tears roughly, feeling rather like a fool for strolling through campus with tears streaming down her face. Then again, no one had bothered to stop her and ask if anything was wrong, so maybe it hadn't been noticeable. She gave her face one more firm wipe with the sleeves of her coat and headed down to The Long Walk to take a shower and put in her seven hours behind the bar.
Violet would have none of that however, saying, quite bluntly, that Julia looked like crap -which she imagined she probably did from her short bout of crying- called the part-time bar tender who usually only worked weekends, and sent her up to bed with a hot toddy in hand. Julia was actually rather inclined to accept this diagnosis, though she only made it through half of Violet's ridiculously strong drink before she simply settled into bed and let her thoughts wander.
What I said to Scott was true. I really don't know why I'm here, beyond wanting to be close to Kurt again. Am I really doing anything differently than I was before? How can I do any kind of good if I don't get involved somehow? Better yet, how am I supposed to know what's right when everything I've done has ended up being wrong? I can't do any good without fighting, I'm no diplomat, and fighting has really only ever made matters worse. Should I just give up the ghost?
She rolled over, cuddling her spare pillow to her chest and wished the pillow was Kurt, she hadn't seen him in almost two days. It was short in comparison to how long they had been apart while she was in the MRD lock-up, but it seemed more lonely because she knew he was less than a fifteen minute walk away and was probably deliberately avoiding her. Feeling a sudden urge for tea to wash down the hot toddy, Julia dragged herself from bed and headed toward the stairs of the apartment she shared with Violet. The kitchen and a half-bath were downstairs in the bar, while a living room was upstairs, flanked on either side by the small bedrooms, and a full bathroom with a shower stall and bathtub was situated next to the stairs leading to the kitchen. It was a little small, but neither she or Violet needed much space, and their furniture was rather spartan, making it feel less cramped.
The bar was reasonably quiet, as it was a week day, and Julia made her tea in peace, minus one drunk guy stumbling into the kitchen rather than the public restroom. She carried the drink back upstairs, thinking perhaps she would finish it and turn in early, but halted, surprised, at the top of the stairs when she saw twin points of yellow light peering at her in the dim living room. After a moment of feeling somewhat threatened, she realized it was Kurt, sprawling on the couch like he owned it.
"Hallo," He greeted smiling.
"Hey." She took the last step, and strolled over toward the couch, wondering why he had suddenly decided to appear. "Don't tell me you're psychic now? I was literally just thinking about you."
"Ja, I have that effect on pretty girls," Kurt quipped, smile now turning a little sly.
His relaxed attitude seemed out of place considering they hadn't been all that close since she had moved down into Violet's spare room. Which reminded her that he didn't have a key. "Did Violet let you in?"
"Nein, you should really lock your vindow liebling."
"Yeah, well, there aren't many people who can walk on walls who want to break into my room," She scolded, rolling her eyes just the tiniest bit. She didn't mind him sneaking in, as it were, but if Violet had wandered up here first, Kurt probably would have found himself at the nearest hospital. She set the tea on the bench which served as a coffee table, settling onto the center cushion next to him. "What do you want?"
"I can't visit just because I vant to?" Kurt asked, turning to glance at her. She could barely distinguish him in the lack of light; he looked like just a blur of shadow, excepting his eyes. Julia's hand reached to the side-table lamp and flicked it on. He was looking a lot less tired these days, and the weight he had lost was regained, all in muscle naturally.
"Of course you can. Sorry. I just had a bad day I guess."
"I heard you und Scott were having it out."
Julia felt her eyebrows raising. "Having it out? Is that what he called it? And here I thought we were having a heart to heart or something." She rolled her eyes slightly.
"Did he pick the fight?"
"It wasn't...it wasn't a fight, alright? It was a...I don't know what it was. He was just making a point that he doesn't like me, which is just fine with me, I never asked him to."
"You did vonce."
"Yeah, but it sure as hell didn't work, and I'm tired of trying." Julia shook her head and picked up her tea again, sipped at it, and wondered why in the world she had made chamomile. She didn't even like the stuff. "Maybe if I pretended to shut off all my emotions and acted like a robot too we would get along better."
"You think Scott is a robot?"
"I think he acts like one. I mean, has the guy ever made a decision without going through half a dozen protocols first? And he thinks the fact he doesn't think like a human makes him more equipped to make moral decisions? It's just...it's backwards to me. He's dealing with people, with mutants, not statistics. The only time he gets emotional is when Jean gets involved, and then he just blows up, and suddenly the rules he has for everything don't matter anymore."
"Ja. Vell..." Kurt trailed off in a non-committal fashion.
"Sorry. I don't mean to put you in the middle of it. I'm honestly trying to see things from his point of view. But I don't like his point of view."
"You don't have to think like Scott, Jyulia. I think it vould vorry me if you could." He smiled a little at her, his hand brushing against her cheek. "You're too passionate."
"Hm. Passionate or temperamental?"
"Tom-ay-to, tom-ah-to," Kurt said with a grin and a shrug.
"Hmph. Some help you are." She set her tea aside again, and, somewhat impulsively, curled her legs up on the couch and found a comfortable spot against Kurt's side, her head leaning tiredly on his shoulder. It didn't feel awkward the way it had the last couple days -which had a lot to do with the fact Kurt wasn't fidgeting- it just felt good. It was as if their relationship had take a few dozen steps backwards lately, and they were back in that awkward phase when neither of them had known what was okay with the other; back when he had been nervous and she hadn't wanted to push him and risk scaring him off. His hand settled on the side of her face gently, his thumb tracing along her cheek.
"Ororo said you vere crying." His voice was quiet, brushing against her ear.
"I..." She thought of denying it, but thought better of it. "I guess I was just upset. Frustrated."
"If Scott made you cry, I vill go hit him."
The statement made her smile a little. "No, you don't have to hit him. Thanks though. This is making me feel plenty better." She snuggled her face against his shoulder, and reached her hand up to wrap her fingers around his.
Silence permeated the room for a few moments, except for the music from the bar below. "I vish you vould stay at the mansion. I miss you."
"Kurt, you don't even have to walk to get here. You can just teleport."
"I know. It's not the same though. I don't get to see you everyday down here."
"Yeah. Well, Scott made it pretty clear I'm not exactly welcome. If he had his way, I think I would still be with the MRD."
"Jyulia, he doesn't vant that-"
"Well, I certainly wouldn't be within one-hundred miles of him."
A sigh escaped Kurt, and he was quiet for a moment, thinking she supposed. "I know it's hard liebling. But Scott...he has a hard time looking at things from any vay but the vay he alvays has. It vill take him time."
"And he'll have to take that stick out of his ass." He chuckled, though Julia was completely serious. "I don't want to talk about Scott anymore."
"Okay, no more Scott. I admit, he's rather boring." Kurt leaned his head over and kissed her temple. For a moment, it was enough, a tiny bit of the intimacy and closeness that she had been missing for so long.
"I feel like I haven't told you I love you in awhile," Julia mumbled.
"It's alright liebling, I know you do."
"But it's not the same as telling you."
"That's true." He kissed her forehead this time, and Julia leaned up quickly, catching his mouth lightly with hers.
It was a trial, more than anything else. Julia still loved him, that would never change, but some part of her was starting to wonder whether he still felt the same about her. She couldn't blame him for beginning to doubt her. Beginning to get tired of trying to be with her. For an agonizing moment he didn't react, then Kurt leaned into her lightly. A gentle kiss, but it meant more to her than anything else that had happened in to her in what felt like forever.
And then her body stopped listening to the thoughts in her head, and suddenly her hands had a vice grip on the front of Kurt's shirt, and she was practically shoving him back into the couch. He didn't seem to mind, his tail wrapping around her waist, leaning with her, a hand settling on the back of her neck. Her hands let go of his shirt only long enough to push their way under it, but ended with it simply bunched awkwardly under his arms, as neither of them wanted to break off the kiss long enough to actually get rid of it.
Several moments later, when breathing became important again, Julia leaned back a little, her forehead resting on his.
"You know, Kurt," She muttered through her panting breath, "-you're seriously the only thing that I'm sure about right now."
"Vone thing is better than nothing. I'll try to help you make sense of the rest of it. If you vant me to."
A smile curled her lips. "Tell you what, let's worry about that after we get naked. I'm having fuzzy-elf withdrawals."
"Ah, liebling, you're so terribly romantic."
"Less talking, more stripping," Julia chided with a small giggle, grabbing for the hem of his shirt again. He sat up enough that she could peel it off him, and -not in the mood for a patient subduction- she stripped her own tank-top off while he was throwing his shirt somewhere near the end of the couch. She practically dove back into Kurt's waiting arms, finding it, for some reason, impossible to stop giggling, even when he wrapped his arms around her and kissed her chin lightly.
"It's good to see you smile Jyulia," He said, tracing his thumb across her lips.
"It's mostly just because you're a good influence one me." Julia shrugged, her smile feeling like it was more genuine than it had been in weeks, maybe even months, leaning down to kiss him deeply, one hand tunneling through his hair and the other bracing her on the arm of the couch above his head so she didn't fall on him. Not that she thought either of them would really mind.
His fingers edged under the waistband of her pajama pants, a gentle, almost tentative motion, as though he was little unsure this was a good idea, which, a moment later, Julia silently thanked him for, because the overhead light suddenly flicked on.
"Oh hell! Julia, for Christ's sake, your room is literally ten feet away from the couch!" Violet stood in the doorway, staring at the two of them tangled up on the couch peevishly. Neither of them had heard the music downstairs stop, nor had they associated it with the fact that Violet might be on her way up. Kurt, naturally, had the more adverse reaction, as he was rather obviously blue at the moment, scrambling to his feet -carrying Julia up with him, much to her consternation- and hastily cast around for something with which to cover her, settling on a throw pillow and thrusting it in front of her bare breasts.
"We're both girls honey. Violet knows what boobs look like," Julia smiled, unsure whether it was more to cover up her own embarrassment, or because she found Kurt's so endearingly amusing. All the same, she took the pillow and held it against her chest.
"Er...yes, vell..." He stammered awkwardly, moving as though to look for her shirt, but Julia noticed it seemed more that he was hiding behind her, whether because he was worried what Violet would think or because he felt modest, she couldn't say.
"Look lovebirds," Violet continued, striding over to the fridge and withdrawing a beer, which was really all she kept in the fridge, "-clearly I'm interrupting, so I'm gonna go hang out at a friend's-"
"Violet, you don't have to do that, you lived here first-" Julia started, not wanting to kick her roommate out. She also figured Kurt could easily get them back to the mansion, where it was easier to find secluded corners, so it made more sense for them to leave.
"No, no, don't worry about it Jules. But I'm gonna want to come home and sleep in a few hours, and if you guys are still up making animal noises, I will kick ya out then, alright?" The stern look she gave made Julia believe she and Kurt would indeed end up buck naked in the street if Violet really wanted them to.
"Uhm...okay. Thanks Violet." Julia smiled, appreciating the gesture.
"Yeah, yeah, you owe me Jules. Oh, and you." She pointed at Kurt suddenly, who eyed her a little nervously. "I better not find any blue hairballs."
And with that, Violet marched back downstairs and apparently out the door.
"Animal noises? Hairballs? Vhat does she think I am?" Kurt blurted indignantly after the door downstairs had shut with a snap.
"That's just...Violet." Julia shrugged, then turned to glance at him, still holding the pillow up to her chest. "Mood totally ruined?"
"Ja. A little."
"Well, guess that means we're back to square one." She dropped the pillow on the couch and grabbed his arm, hauling him to her bedroom and shutting the door securely behind them, just for good measure.
"Und vhere exactly is square vone?"
"It's where I strip you naked and have my way with you," Julia replied wryly, but with just enough seriousness to let him know it was actually her intention to do so if that's what it took.
Kurt grinned at her in the dark room, his fangs and eyes the only thing truly visible, though she didn't really need the light, didn't need to actually see him, she had his features memorized, down to the minutest detail. She felt his arms around her, sweeping her off the ground, his mouth finding hers and kissing with a gentle bite. Julia wriggled impatiently in his arms, her mind moving steadily away from coherent thought and more into the baser instincts. She was simply feeling, barely thinking, conscious only of the fact that Kurt felt like velvet against her bare skin, and what his kiss tasted like, her hands tangling in his hair and holding tight, clinging to him.
He arranged her on the bed, breaking the kiss with her to take a gentle hold of her pajama pants and strip them slowly off her, kissing her above the knees and then the space just below her bellybutton as he made his way back up to her mouth, her busy hands much less suave. In the back of her desire-clogged brain, Julia knew she appreciated the fact he was trying to be romantic, despite the needy way both of their hands were tearing at what was left of the clothing separating them. However, the part of her that was in control of her actions at the moment, didn't particular have the patience for romance, and Kurt's pants were barely around his knees before she was shoving him onto his back -not that he protested- straddling him. She reached between them, guided him in, her hips bucking and gyrating wildly in ways she hadn't seen anywhere but in rodeos. Part of her was a little put off by the lack of control she had over what her body was doing, her fingers digging into his shoulders so hard that she was certain Kurt had to feel her nails through his fur; her absence of restraint ceased to be a concern however when Kurt's hands wandered up her body, one hand firmly cupping her breast while the other latched onto the back of her neck, pulling her down to a firey kiss. In an odd mix of German and English he told her repeatedly not to stop in a jumble of words, and she didn't, not until her back arched in a beautifully intense burst of energy across her body, and her hair lifted from her shoulders, doing a wild dance as a transformation swept over her, before she collapse, weakened and wholly satisfied, draping over Kurt's sweaty chest like well-done spaghetti.
"You okay?" She questioned after a moment, when she found the strength shift back to flesh form, letting reality slowly slide back into place.
"Numb. As usual." Kurt smiled, a tired hand reached to her face, pushing her hair away from her eyes. "You?"
"Amazing." She smiled as well, then frowned slightly. "I need to figure out a way to get off without transforming."
"Vhy?" Kurt questioned, though she didn't think he could honestly be so uncaring about being numb from the waist down.
"Because I would like to have sex with you, at least occasionally, without paralyzing you. It makes me feel very self-conscious."
"If I didn't like it, I vouldn't be here, vould I?" Kurt said with a little shrug, nuzzling his head against hers and apparently starting to drift off to sleep.
Julia was quiet for a few moments, then glanced over at him. "That is the weirdest, most specific fetish I have ever heard of."
He jolted, staring down at her. "It is not a fetish! I vas only trying to-"
Julia smiled at him, cuddling her face against his chest. "I know, I know honey. You're still so easy to embarrass. Get some sleep okay? Because we're probably going to end up doing this again before Violet gets back."
"Alright. But liebling, vone thing."
"What's that?"
"Let me be romantic next time."
She smiled into his chest. "Whatever you want Kurt. Whatever you want."
