Characters belong to Shonda. The rest is mine.


One More Try: Chapter Twenty-Eight


ARIZONA'S POV


Ten days later…

It's been a crazy week. Crazy in that I haven't known if I'm coming or going most of the time. Classes finished for Christmas and then I found myself preparing for my ex mother in laws funeral. It was hard going for Abbie, but I think she is taking it in her own stride. I'm trying to be there for her without getting too close, but that's easier said than done. She's been so down that I've found myself around her way more than I had planned. Way more than I should be around her. She knows that nothing will ever happen between us again, but I don't want to lead her on. I don't want to give her anything at all that may suggest that I want her around in any capacity other than as a friend. Even a friend is probably too strong a word if I'm being totally honest. The only benefit to having Abbie around is that my evenings have been more bearable. I've not thought about Eliza as much but then morning comes and classes come around and I have to see her. I have to be around her. Her scent. Her voice as she discusses and talks with her friends. It's been hard, but I'm finally beginning to come to terms with my life without her. I don't like it, but it's how it has to be. She has completely withdrawn from me, so yeah…that ship has sailed.

I may have come to terms with it, but I'm still mad at her. I'm so mad at her that I can barely even look at her. I know she watches me and I know she tries to catch my attention, but I can't. I can't because she hurt me and I don't want to do this with her. I don't want to play games. I don't want her to be indecisive about us and giving me what I want because she feels sorry for me. I'm not vulnerable and I'm not someone who craves another person's attention, so no…I'm allowing her to get on with her life, and it's the right thing to do. It's the right thing to do because she chose this. She chose a life without me, and that was her decision. I didn't matter when she was having internal conversations with herself, so I don't matter now. Maybe I never did matter. Maybe I never was as big a part of our relationship as I thought I was. I hope that was never the case, but it does make me wonder. It does make me question what we ever were.

None of it matters now. Tonight is Christmas eve, and I'm here for Alex. I'm here to share Christmas with him just like I promised. He thought I would go home because Eliza and I had broken up, but I told him he could be a part of my Christmas plans, and I'm not about to go back on my word. Abbie is undecided as to what she is doing right now, but I've been in two minds about inviting her over to my place. Alex hates her and I think my time as her friend is coming to an end. I did my job and I no longer have any reason to be around her. Just…it's her first Christmas without her mom and I feel kinda bad for her. I know I shouldn't because she is no longer my problem, but it's just who I am. I don't like to see people alone and I don't like to see people sad. No matter how much she has hurt me, I don't like the idea of her being alone.

Knocking back another shot, Alex gives me a knowing smile and pours another round. "You know, I'm kinda glad I've got you here this year."

"Oh, please…" I scoff. "You are more than glad, Alex. You love me..admit it."

"Whatever." He flips the finger and pushes another shot my way. "So, karaoke tonight, Robbins." Throwing me a wink, I roll my eyes.

"No. No way." I shake my head. "I'm having nothing to do with your karaoke. None whatsoever."

"Oh, come on." He whines. "You're the only one here who can even sing. Just…once you get things going, others will follow."

"I'm telling you no now...and I'm telling you no for later when I'm drunk and don't remember my own name." Knocking back another shot, I drop down on my stool and enjoy the burn as it slips down my throat. "So, she's not working, huh?"

"No." He shakes his head. "I was kinda pissed when she let me down, but she said she shouldn't be here. She didn't want to ruin your night or something…"

"Oh, she is way beyond ruining my nights." I laugh. "I'm over it anyway."

"Sure you are." He smiles sarcastically. "You can lie to yourself, but you cannot lie to me. I know you too well, Arizona."

"Bite me." I spit.

"And why do you insist on bringing you ex-wife into my bar? You know I cannot even look at her…"

"She has no one right now, Alex." I give him a knowing look and he simply shrugs. "And yes, I know that's not your problem, but it's Christmas and she has just lost her mom."

"Can't she spend it with the woman she was fucking for a year?" Low blow. "Sorry." He gives me an awkward smile.

"Yeah, don't remind me." I shake my head. "We are doing okay at the minute and the more you remind me, the more I actually want her to spend Christmas alone."

"You're a good person, Robbins." He squeezes my shoulder. "Just…remember what she did to you and don't get too close."

"I know." I give him a nod in agreement. "Anyway, I should get back over there." Dropping down from my stool, I weave my way through the crowd and head for the booth I've been sharing with my ex-wife. She's been a little quiet today but I guess that's understandable. It's not exactly a great time for her right now. "Another drink?" I set down a glass of red and she gives me a thankful smile. "You doing okay?" I ask as I take a seat beside her.

"Guess so." She shrugs. "You don't have to spend the evening with me, Arizona. I appreciate it but I'm sure you would rather be elsewhere."

"I don't have anywhere else to be." I sigh as I sit back in my seat. "I wish I was somewhere else, but no…I'm all out of options right now."

"You've met someone?" She raises her eyebrow.

"I thought I had, yeah." Giving her a sad smile, she places her hand on my own and replicates my smile. "We don't have to do this, Abbie. We've both been drinking and we both know that this is more than over between us."

"Does she make you happy, Arizona?"

"No." I shake my head. "She did, but then she hurt me so no…I'm better off doing this alone for the time being. You know, just be."

"If that's how you want it to be then sure." She nods. "I am sorry for what I did to you, though."

"Me too." I agree. Propping my head up on my hand, I turn my body a little and study her face. "Just…was I the problem?"

"No, Arizona." Squeezing my hand, she gives me a genuine smile and I sigh. "What's up?" She asks.

"Nothing." I wave off her comment. "Just having a bad time at the minute. Guess it's the time of year…"

"Maybe we should spend this evening miserable together." She laughs. "Drown our sorrows and have the worlds worst hangover tomorrow."

"Sounds amazing." I agree. "I was thinking, and I know it's probably a stupid idea, but uh…did you think maybe you'd want to come for dinn-" Cut off by the sound of a beautiful voice flowing through my best friends bar, both of our heads turn and my mouth hangs open. Who the hell is that?

We keep behind closed doors
Every time I see you, I die a little more
Stolen moments that we steal as the curtain falls
It'll never be enough
As you drive me to my house
I can't stop these silent tears from rolling down
You and I both have to hide on the outside
Where I can't be yours and you can't be mine

But I know this, we got a love that is homeless

"Wow…" I breathe out. "I, uh...can you excuse me for a moment?" I ask as I'm already standing and shuffling out of the booth.

"Sure." She smiles as she sits back and listens to the sound of someone's amazing voice.

Why can't I hold you in the street?
Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor?
I wish that it could be like that
Why can't it be like that? Cause I'm yours
Why can't I say that I'm in love?
I wanna shout it from the rooftops
I wish that it could be like that
Why can't it be like that? Cause I'm yours

Oh god. Rounding the bar, I'm met with the most incredible sight my eyes have ever witnessed and I swear I'm about to fall to my knees. It's her. Eliza. She kept this quiet. The whole amazing voice thing. That isn't important right now, though. The important thing is that she is singing and she is staring at me. She is staring at me and the entire room is disappearing around me.

Just watching. It's all I can do. I can only watch on and try to stem the tears that are slowly but surely slipping down my face. Her green eyes…god, I swear they're greener than they've ever been.

It's obvious you're meant for me
Every piece of you, it just fits perfectly
Every second, every thought, I'm in so deep
But I'll never show it on my face

But we know this. We got a love that is homeless

Why can't you hold me in the street?
Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor?
I wish that it could be like that
Why can't we be like that? Cause I'm yours
Why can't I say that I'm in love?
I wanna shout it from the rooftops
I wish that it could be like that
Why can't we be like that? Cause I'm yours

Stepping back a little when I realize that I'm moving closer to her unknowingly, she gives me a sad smile and a tear slips down her own face. I don't know why she is drawing me in right now, but she is and I can't control it. I can't control the undeniable urge I have to kiss her. I've missed her so much and I've been totally lying to myself. Just like Alex said I was. I know we can't be together and I've accepted that, but why is she doing this? Why is she trying to pull me in with these words? This isn't fair to me. It isn't fair to either of us.

I don't wanna live love this way
I don't wanna hide us away
I wonder if it ever will change
I'm living for that day, someday

God, I don't want to live it this way either. My heart breaking into a million pieces at her admission, whether it is via song or not, I step back into the crowd and I feel like I'm no longer in my own body. I need air. I need to breathe. I can't be here with her. It's too hard. I thought I was doing good. I thought I was doing better…clearly, I was wrong. So very very wrong. Pushing through the heavy glass door, my feet hit the sidewalk and my lungs burn as the cool air flows through them. God, I can't do this. I just miss her so fucking much. I miss everything about her. About us.

My body leaning back against a nearby wall, I breathe through the sobs that are wracking my body and I can feel my pulse stronger than ever. It's in my ears. It's in my head. It's in my hands. It's everywhere. Absolutely everywhere. I should leave but I'm here for Alex. I can't just disappear without saying goodbye to him. This is my night just as much as anybody else's, and I should be enjoying myself. I should be inside drinking and dancing. It's what I used to do, and I want to be that person again. If only I could dance with the only woman I care about in that bar.

Pushing off the wall, I straighten myself out and stretch my neck a little. I'm beginning to feel tense for the first time in over a week, and I know the reason why. Eliza. She makes me unsure about my decisions. She makes me unsure about what I want. I hate that she does that to me, but it's because I care about her so much. It's because she means the absolute world to me. It's because I love her. I have to take back my night, though. I have to push through these feelings I have and just enjoy myself. It's been ten days since she showed up at my place…and in those ten days, I've focused on anything other than her. It's all I can do. If I don't, I'll crumble.


"Oh, come on Alex." I nudge his shoulder. "Just dance with me?" Rolling his eyes, he shakes his head and moves back behind bar. "Asshole!" Pushing off the counter, I move through the crowd and glance around for anyone who may be a little easy on the eye. I'm not looking for anything with anyone, but a little dancing never hurt.

"Hey! ROBBINS!" Alex calls me back towards the bar.

"What?" I shout. It's getting a little busy in here now and I can barely hear myself think.

"Go and do your thing with the mic." He throws his thumb over his shoulder. "You know you want to."

"I can't." I shake my head and pull him out back. "You do know she was here, right?"

"Yeah…I heard." He smiles. "Was she singing to you?"

"Uh…what do you think?" I give him a knowing look. "Is she still here?"

"She is." He nods. "She's here with some friends."

"And they're all legal?" I raise an eyebrow. "I don't want you getting into trouble."

"Don't worry, Arizona. Eliza isn't here to shut me down. And yes...I've checked them all out. They're all legal."

"I want to speak to her…" I sigh. "Just as friends, you know?"

"And why haven't you?" He asks.

"Because we can't be friends." My eyes filling with tears again, I know it's the alcohol I've consumed. It's my worst enemy sometimes, and tonight is no different. Tonight it is playing with my mind, and I can't control it. I hate it. "We can't be anywhere near each other."

"I'm sorry this is happening." He sighs. "Do you want me to ask her to leave?"

"No." I give him a sad smile. "She deserves to enjoy herself just as much as everyone else here. She hasn't done anything wrong, Alex. We just can't be together. She said so."

"But you want to be with her…"

"Of course, I do." I laugh. "It's all I've ever wanted."

"God, you women are crazy." He shakes his head. "I can't freaking keep up with you."

"Me neither." I breathe out. "Just...don't worry about me. I'm good."

"If you say so." He rolls his eyes as he heads back out behind the bar. I know he worries and I know he is like a brother to me, but I'll be okay. If I concentrate on myself, I'll be okay. Heading out from behind the bar, I move through the crowd and catch sight of some students. I'm assuming they're Eliza's friends, so I head straight past them and into the bathroom. I'll do my thing in here and then I'll head back out and do my thing out there. Just be you, Arizona...it's all you've got right now. Just you. Nobody else matters. Pushing through the bathroom door, my heart stops when I find my ex-girlfriend standing at the sink. She's fixing up her makeup, but she doesn't need to. She looks just as gorgeous as she ever does.

"H-Hi…" She stutters as she stares at my reflection in the mirror. "Sorry, I'll get out of your way." She drops her gaze.

"Just do what you've got to do." I move past her. "Think of me as invisible…"

"But you're not." She replies and it causes me to stop. "You're not invisible."

"Sometimes I wish I were." I sigh. "It would certainly make things easier."

"Arizona…" God, I've missed hearing her say my name. She says to so perfectly. "Look at me."

"Why?" I turn around but keep my eyes fixed on the floor between us. "You haven't wanted to know me for almost two weeks. Why do you want to talk to me now?"

"Just because."

"Because what?" I raise my eyes and find her own. "Because you need some attention? Because you're lonely? Because I'm a fucking idiot who shouldn't have come here tonight…"

"Because I miss you."

"Don't." I hope up my hands between us. "Don't say that. It isn't fair."

"To who?" She furrows her brow.

"To me," I state. "You may be getting on with your life, but I've been struggling. You wanted this, and I'm giving you what you want. You can't just say this stuff to me and expect me to be okay. Do you want me to fall into your arms and beg you to want me, Eliza? Is that what you want? To feel needed by me…"

"N-No." She furrows her brow. "I just…it doesn't matter." Holding up her hands, she approaches me and gives me a sad smile. Her thumb running across my cheek, my eyes close and her touch is the only thing that is keeping me breathing right now. "I never should have said those things to you…"

"But you did." I lean into her touch and I know that this is totally wrong. "You said them, and you cannot take them back."

"God, I wish I could." She inches a little closer to me and my body is suddenly being pushed into one of the stalls. "I wish I could take back all of the hurt I've caused you."

"Eliza…" I breathe out. "You shouldn't be here. W-We shouldn't be here. Not like this. Not alone."

"I'm sorry…" She smiles as she leans in a little closer.

"For what?" I ask. So much has happened and I'm not entirely sure what she is apologizing for.

"This…" Pressing her lips to my own, I could crumble to the ground right now. This is all I've thought about. It's all I've dreamt about. Her lips on my own. Her hands on my body. Holding me. Making me feel safe. Loved. It's all I've thought about and wanted, but this is wrong. It shouldn't be happening. She has made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want a relationship with me, so no…this can't continue.

Pulling back, she drops her gaze and I shake my head. "I can't believe you just did that." I close my eyes and sigh.

"I had to." She whispers, her hand still resting on the side of my face. "I just…I had to." Forcing her body out of the stall, I lock the door and rest back against it. Shes being selfish. I have to remember that. She isn't doing this because she loves me. She is doing this for a reaction. A little attention since she is going to be lonely at Christmas. It won't work. If she wants to know how I'm truly feeling…I'll tell her. I'll tell her exactly how she has just told me.

Unlocking the door, I push past her and she grips my wrist. "I'm sorry…I'll go."

"No, please stay for the show." I give her a sarcastic smile. "You want this to be all about you and what you want…fine. Be out in the bar in five and I'll tell you exactly how you make me feel."

"I don't understand…" She furrows her brow.

"But you will." Pulling the door open, it hits the wall and I pick up my pace. "Alex!"

"Sup, Robbins?" He raises his eyebrow.

"Get me on that freaking mic." Making my way to the booth my ex-wife is still sitting at, I down a shot and it's quickly followed by what's left of my glass of red. If she wants to play games with her silly songs, I'll do the same. Only to me, it's the truth. What I'm about to do, and what I'm about to say…it's the complete truth. It's how I feel. It's how she makes me feel. It's what I lay awake thinking about at night. It's all Eliza. It always is and it always will be.

Hearing my name being called, I straighten myself out and Abbie gives me a questioning look. "You okay?"

"Yeah." I nod. "Just something I have to do." Approaching the area where I need to be, I brush past my ex-girlfriend and her scent sends me a little dizzy. She thought that she could surprise me with her lyrics earlier, well it's time to play her at her own game. A soft sound playing out around the bar, Alex steps through the crowd and gives me a nod.

Hey, you there
Can we take it to the next level, baby, do you dare?
Don't be scared
'Cause if you can say the words, I don't know why I should care

'Cause here I am, I'm givin' all I can
But all you ever do is mess it up
Yeah, I'm right here, I'm tryin' to make it clear
That getting half of you just ain't enough

My eyes finding Eliza, she has her arms wrapped around her own body and I don't know if she is truly hearing me. I don't know if she even cares. She probably doesn't, but this is me telling her one final time. This is me telling her that it's all or nothing. The ball is in her court right now…

I'm not going to wait until you're done
Pretending you don't need anyone
I'm standing here naked
I'm standing here naked
I'm not gonna try 'til you decide
You're ready to swallow all your pride
I'm standing here naked
I'm standing here naked

Studying her face, I don't care who sees right now. I don't care if everyone in this bar knows I'm singing to her. I'm honestly done where everyone else is concerned. I really am. I'm pouring my heart out to her right now, and she is looking at me. Totally lifeless behind the eyes.

Hey, get out
I've got nothin' left to give for you give me nothin' now
Read my mouth
If you ever want me back, then your walls need breakin' down

'Cause here I am, I'm givin' all I can
But all you ever do is mess it up
Yeah, I'm right here, I'm tryin' to make it clear
getting half of you just ain't enough

A small smile appearing on her face, my heart skips a beat and I know that she is understanding. Beginning to, at least. I never wanted any of this and the kiss we have just shared has only messed me up even more than I already was. I may be sharing a sort of relationship with Abbie right now, but I don't need anyone else in my life. I only need Eliza. The sooner she realises that, the sooner we can get back to us. I know it will never happen, but she has to know that she is all I think about. She has to know that she is the only one I want in my life. I don't care about my job. The university can go to hell if they find out. I'll do something else. I'll figure something else out. I'd planned something during Christmas and I've never been so disappointed that it won't be happening. It was all I wanted. A weekend away with her before New Year came around and a fresh start was on the cards. Instead, I'm standing in a bar singing secretly to my twenty one year old student. My life couldn't be anymore messed up right now if I tried.

I'm not going to wait until you're done
Pretending you don't need anyone
I'm standing here naked
I'm standing here naked
I'm not gonna try 'til you decide
You're ready to swallow all your pride
I'm standing here naked
I'm standing here naked

I wanna give you everything
I wanna give you everything
I wanna give you everything
I wanna give you everything

The song almost ending, she hasn't moved from her spot but she also hasn't taken her eyes off of me. I don't know what I hoped for by doing this, but nothing has changed. She still isn't mine. She still never will be. Given half the chance, I would drop to my knees and beg her to give us a chance but I can't do that. It wouldn't be right. She has made her decision and I have to go with it. No matter how much I hate it. Giving her a sad smile, I release a slight sigh.

I'm not going to wait until you're done
'Cause you pretended you don't need anyone

Mouthing the words, 'I love you' back to me, a tear slips down my face and I'm more than ready to leave this place. I'm more than ready to go home and sleep the next week or so away. I've said what I needed to say, and it's time for me to call it a night. The longer I stay here, the more my heart will break. There are only so many times I can be put back together, and this is the final time. The final time for me. The final time for Eliza. The final time for us.

'Cause you see that I'm naked
Oh, you see that I'm naked
I'm not going to try 'til you decide
You're ready to swallow all your pride
I'm standing here naked
I'm standing here naked

I'm standing
I'm standing here

Handing the mic back, I drop my head on my shoulders and head for the bar. "I'm out of here…" Alex gives me a sad smile followed by a nod and I head for the exit. Not even bothering to say goodbye to my ex-wife, I head out onto the street and force my body to walk. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted and right now I just want to sleep. I don't know how Eliza is feeling right now but I know meeting tonight was a mistake. The kiss was a mistake. It's all I can think about now, and that isn't good. I've been trying to move on, and she does this. She kisses me and then tells me that she loves me. I can't do this. It's too painful. It's far too painful for me to even think about right now. Why does she want me to hurt? If she loves me like she says she does, why would she do any of what she has done tonight? I don't understand. I don't understand what she wants from me. She is killing me slowly right now and I'm letting her. I'm so in love with her that I'm letting her…

I just hope she knows that she has totally destroyed me.


Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.

Song one was 'Secret Love Song Pt II' by Little Mix. Song two was 'Naked' by James Arthur