.
"...only to rip them apart."
(...S2 E18)
Chapter 22: The Last Day
[Saturday, September 22 – 9pm]
Finally, they were alone.
Jake and Serena were back in her dorm room now sprawled on the bed, the glow of Jake's laptop screen playing 'Hunt for Red October' provided all the light they needed to continue kissing in earnest.
It was nine PM on a Saturday night and most of the dorm activity was downstairs. Ms. Julie was in the kitchen making apple pie from their earlier outing to a local orchard. The other girls in the dorm were out on a movie trip so, with Kim at her tournament this weekend it meant that the couple had the entire floor to herself.
"How do you still have hay in your hair?" Jake asked, pulling out a strand from her blonde mane.
"It blends in." Serena giggled, then kissed him again to shut him up.
In another dorm, they would have been to have all the lights on with the door propped open more than the crack it was, but Ms. Julie was notoriously lax when it came to interdorm visitation rules. She had said to the girls during their first dorm meeting, "Just promise me to keep the door open, the blankets off the bed, and your clothes on. As long as you do that, no one's getting pregnant on my watch."
Which was just as well. Jake and Serena had reached that stage of their relationship where it felt like they were fighting gravity, trying to keep their hands off each other. Her clothes might still be on her body, but she felt naked underneath them. Jake's hands were everywhere, his caresses sending her into shivers of ecstasy.
Jake was kissing her neck now, his body hovering above hers. "I can't get enough of you." She whispered in his ear.
Suddenly, he pulled back and looked at her with an expression that was the definition of tenderness.
"I love you."
His words sent chills up her spine and her heart soaring. He said it so simply, so unexpectedly, so happily, that she had no doubt he meant it.
She was about to reply when a noise distracted her.
Something was vibrating. She could hear the low buzz emitting from somewhere on her cluttered dorm room floor.
Her cellphone.
"Leave it." Jake said, wrapped his fingers around her waist and leaning in to kiss her again… the second buzz she regretfully rolled away, pulling herself to the far side of the bed.
"It could be my roommate. She might be getting home early… she said she'd call me to warn me."
She rummaged around the floor, finally finding her cell-phone in the back pocket of a discarded pair of Seven Jeans. The caller ID showed a California number.
That's odd, she thought. Who did she know in California that would call her at this hour.
"Who is it?" Jake asked, resting his head over her shoulder.
"Hello?" She answered, ignoring him.
"Serena?" An older woman's voice sounded on the other side. Her grandmother.
"Hey Grandma. I'm kind of in the middle of something…"
"Serena please..." CeCe's voice sounded calm enough, but it was as tight and cracked at the end, the only indications to tell her daughter something was seriously wrong.
"What happened?" Serena asked with trepidation.
"Eric… Eric's in the hospital."
"What?" Serena sat up on the bed. "Is he all right."
'He's out of danger; the doctors are looking over him. Your mother is with him at the hospital, she wanted me to call and let you know…"
"Oh my God. What happened?"
"It's complicated…" CeCe began, then trailed off. Serena knew the familiar phrase well, it was what her mother used when she was trying to sweep some unpleasant truth under the rug. But this was her brother, she was too worried to be deferential.
"Tell me what happened." She demanded, in a high, almost wild voice.
For a long moment her grandmother said nothing. And, then, as if the words were the most difficult she had ever uttered, she spoke.
"He… he tried to kill himself."
Serena's hand stopped in mid-swipe of her long blonde locks and a cold hand of terror gripped her stomach. She saw the flashes of her brother's face, her brother's thin body. Her brother, who had tried to get her attention, to tell her that he needed her.
And she had ignored him.
Oh God… What have I done?
He had been asking for her help all summer. All year. And she had abandoned him. She had selfishly pursued her own agenda, her own needs, her own quest to find herself… she had thrown everyone over board including the one person who she was solely supposed to protect: her little brother.
This is my fault.
"Serena? Honey? Are you still there?" CeCe's voice called across what seemed like a vast ocean of cold guilt.
"When?" Her voice trembled.
"Yesterday. Your mother discovered him in time to call the paramedics." Serena closed her eyes and willed herself not to imagine the scene her brother's limp body being taken out of the hotel.
"Where is she? Why didn't you call me sooner?"
"We… wanted to wait until we were sure… well, he lost a lot of blood…."
In her mind's eye she saw the white comforters and carpets of the Palace hotel, drenched scarlet.
" …then your mother was up with him all last night at Lennox Hill Hospital and today filling out paperwork– she's resting now and asked me to call you."
"I'm coming back." Serena said, her path suddenly clear, all thoughts of starting over gone from her head. None of it mattered. He was her brother. Of course, she was coming back.
"That's the other reason I called, he's been asking for you." CeCe said, her voice sounding much more tired now that she knew that her part was almost done.
"I'll be there as soon as I can… can you call the school?"
"Of course, sweetheart."
"You'd better call Constance too."
"I will, Serena, darling. Don't worry about a thing."
And Serena knew she would. Her grandmother was a born fixer. To her and her checkbook it would not be a problem to yank her out of one school and place her in another. And if she couldn't get into Constance, then she'd enroll in another school. And if another school wouldn't take her, she'd do public school – they still had those right? Consequence be damned. She had lost the right to care about consequences when she had abandoned the person she loved most in the world.
She began to breathe again.
"I love you Grandma. And tell Eric…" she choked as she let out the breath she had been holding, relief flooding in. "I love him too."
"I will Serena. I love you too. Try to get some rest tonight."
Serena's hand was trembling so badly it took her a few tries before she managed to click the disconnect button.
"What was that about?" Jake's voice startled her. She had forgotten he was behind her.
"My brother's in the hospital… I need to pack."
"What, why?"
"I'm going home…"
"For how long?" Jake asked.
She paused, not wanting to voice the inevitability she found herself faced with.
"For good."
"You're going to go back there?" Jake said, shocked. "What happened to starting over?"
She began to choke up as sobs threatened to overtake her. "I don't have a choice... He's only fifteen and he tried to commit suicide. Why wasn't I there? I should have been there. I could have stopped…It's my fault…"
She made to get up off the bed, and found it difficult to stand. Her limbs had gone gold and stiff. The pleasure of the last few hours that had ignited her skin were burned away by the deluge of cold reality.
"It's my fault. I should have been there." She said, more talking to the room than to Jake. "I should have known. How did I miss it? He told me, that he missed me. Why didn't I ask? This is my fault. If I had been there, I could have stopped it. If I had been there, he would never…"
Jake got up from the bed and turned her to face him, holding her head in his hands. "Serena "Look at me. No, LOOK at me. You're talking crazy. This isn't your fault. Shit happens. He's alive, right? And he's going to stay that way?"
Serena nodded, relief suddenly rushing back to her.
"Thank God. And yes, you should go see him. But you can't drop out of school for… You can't let this derail your own life."
"But that's exactly what I did and look where it got me!" Serena shrieked. "I ran away. I uprooted my life I came here, with this stupid agenda, this stupid need to start over…"
She closed her eyes and took in deep breaths. "I thought running away would spare others pain. But in doing so, I ended up hurting the one person closest to me… I barely talked to Eric for the last year… What kind of sister does that?"
All rational action ceased as Serena began to cry in earnest.
"If I hadn't…I could have… this is my fault!"
Jake was at a loss, he could do nothing but hold her too him as she wailed, rocking her back and forth on the edge of the bed, telling her it was going to be okay. Soon the noise brought the rest of the girls in the house up the stairs with Miss Julie in the lead, her face etched with concern.
It took almost an hour to get Serena to calm her down and get the full story.
The girls in the house had cleared out at the request of Ms. Julie – who said that Serena needed to be alone right now and would talk about it when she was ready. Jake stayed through all of it, holding Serena upright in his arms.
Ms. Julie, once she understood what had happened, had called Lenox Hill Hospital directly, and Serena was finally able to speak to her mother who was still there mercifully able to fill in the details that yes, in fact, he was awake and there seemed to be no permanent damage – to his body and brain anyway. His spirit was a different matter. She confirmed that, yes, Serena should board the first train home in the morning. As to her staying at the school, well, they would sort that out in due course.
Finally, Serena was able to sit up out of Jake's arms. Ms. Julie took this to be a sign to move on to the next phase. She put on her coat. "I'm going to have to go wake up Dean McClux to apprise her of the situation and see who can get you home tomorrow."
Jake nodded. "She'll understand."
A message had gone out over the summer that Dean Parnelli had resigned. Serena's old advisor had been named Dean of Boarding Students in her place. The rumor mill indicated that after the Isabella fiasco, the trustees had gone to her to request her resignation. A separate rumor was floating around that one of the faculty who left last year had resigned due to her sleeping with a student. No one really knew the answer.
Ms. Julie checked her watch. "It's almost ten thirty. It's a bit early to lock up, and I probably be won't be back until after midnight. But Serena, I don't want to leave you alone…"
She looked at Jake, who was still holding Serena in his arms. "Jake, I trust you can look after Serena? Make sure she gets herself to sleep and all that?"
Jake gave a mock salute. "Yes ma'am."
"Good. Then I'll be off." She said, then added almost as an afterthought. "Mr. Thorpe's the faculty on duty in your dorm, right?"
"Yes."
"I'll give him and let him know the situation, that you'll be late for check in since you're helping me out here. He can keep the front door open, if you get back after midnight." Ms. Julie then took her leave, shutting the door behind her.
An hours passing left Jake and Serena in the same position, but everything had changed.
Jake and Serena nestled down under the covers, back to front in typical spooning fashion, Jake had put his hands around her, Serena was turned towards the window-side of her bed.
Whereas both would have given anything to have had that time to themselves an hour ago, in a house which they had basically been told wouldn't be checked in on by anyone for several hours, neither had the energy to do much else but hold each other.
"Please don't leave." Jake said quietly, after a while of silence.
"I have to." She whispered back. The pillow beneath was becoming quite damp around her eyes, her tears soaking into the feathers.
"Can't you just go home for a little bit?" Jake asked.
"You don't understand my family... he's all I have." She closed her eyes. "Our dad left when we were really young and our mom… well, we've only ever really been able to rely on each other. I left him again, and if something happened to him…I wouldn't forgive myself." She clutched his arm tighter as her body threatened to dissolve into sobs again.
"Shhh..." Jake whispered, then began to stroke her hair, calming her. "Your mom said that he's going to be fine."
He began to kiss her neck, and Serena shivered at his touch, so soft and light yet burning. She pulled away from him. "No… I've made my decision."
"But if it's what you don't want..."
"Everything's changed," She closed her eyes. "He's my brother. I'd do anything for him. I'm just… afraid."
"Of what?" Asked Jake, stroking her hair.
"I feel like I found a better version of myself here. I'm afraid I'll lose myself, my progress, if I go back there."
"So you're not afraid that you'll lose me?" His disappointment was evident in his voice.
Serena couldn't respond. She would lose him, she knew, but that she could handle… she'd always been better at leaving than being left. But her lack of response was all the answer he needed and he started to get up off the bed.
"You should probably try and get some sleep," Jake said. "You'll have to deal with the Administration in the morning." He disengaged his arm from around her waist and swung his legs down to the floor.
Serena turned towards him to grab his arm. ""Of course, I will miss you." She finally admitted. "I want to be with you tonight, please… don't leave."
Jake hesitated for a moment, "I..." he began, thinking about the fact that it was already almost midnight, but then he looked at Serena and stopped.
Serena's red-rimmed eyes caused her blue eyes to stand out even brighter in the moonlight; as clear as glass they gazed towards him, more open than he had ever seen, more vulnerable even than when she had been telling him about her darkest secrets.
"Fine." He lay back down. "What can I do to help you sleep?"
Serena thought for a moment, then said "After my parents got divorced I had a lot of nightmares. When I'd wake up crying from them my mom would climb into bed and sing a lullaby to me."
"Of all the things we could do right now, you want me to sing you a lullaby?"
"You always claim you have such a great singing voice, why don't I ever hear it?" She said, suddenly breaking out in a beautifully humorous, though still tearful, smile.
Jake was continually amazed. Even now in her darkest hour she could still find humor. She was truly a strong woman.
"Okay, fine. But you can't look at me, it'll throw me off." He said. Dutifully, Serena turned away from him and assumed the spooning position. "And you'll have to promise to try to get some sleep, okay?"
He got a nod of hair brushing his nose in response. He didn't mention that he wasn't as strong as her, and that if she did turn around he'd probably start tearing up to, so he began, hoping all the way that his voice wouldn't crack too badly.
Gently, he leaned his head against hers. What song did he know? What song could he sing…
A tune jingled itself at the back of his head. A song he had heard on an old episode of television and then looked up and then downloaded it. It had become an earworm, and one he thought fit the situation.
"Do you know the Joshua Radin song 'What If You?'
Serena shook her head.
"Ok, here goes nothing." He cleared his throat, and in a low baritone began to sing the melody both mournful and romantic and soft that he hoped could do justice.
"What if you... could wish me away. What if you... spoke, those words today. I wonder if you'd miss me... when I'm gone. It's come to this, release me... I'll leave before the dawn."
He ran his hands through the length of her hair, down towards her shoulder and over her naked arm, reveling in the perfect smoothness of her skin. Then continued,
"But for tonight, I'll stay here with you. Yes, for tonight, I'll lay here with you."
His hand continued to trace his hands downward towards her stomach. She shivered again and grabbed his hand, steering it back to her chest to feel her heartbeat.
"But when the sun hits your eyes, through your window... There'll be nothing you can do."
The sad truth of his words caused Serena to close her eyes and grip his hand against the tide of emptiness that filled her... She might be the one leaving, but he would still be gone and there was absolutely nothing she could do about it.
Thinking over the next verse, Jake decided to tweak the lyrics to fit the situation better.
"What if you could hear this song... what if you had felt like I belong…. You might not be leaving… Oh so soon… Begin the night believing, I loved you in the mo-o-onlight."
His voice began to crack as she turned around to face him.
"So, for tonight... I'll stay here with you."
Serena's eyes were cascading tears.
"Yes, for tonight... "I'll lay here with you." He reached to thumb them away.
"But when the sun hits our eyes through your window..."
His eyes began to mist up too.
"There'll be nothing we can do."
He pulled her to him in searing kiss, trying to feel every inch of her, memorize her body and her scent. She kissed him back, reveling in the state of complete belonging... and at the same time crying out against the truth that this night would soon be over.
Then he pulled away, burying his head in her hair and whispering in a tear filled voice the last of the lyrics directly into her ear.
"I could have treated you better, better than this. When, I'm gone, this song's your letter: ...we can't stay in one place."
She cried silently into his shoulder and clung to him, refusing to let go.
"So, for tonight… I'll stay here with you. Yes, for tonight… I'll lay here with you…. But when the sun hits our eyes, through your window…There'll be nothing we can do."
Jake cried silently into her hair, she could feel his sobs ricocheting in his chest she held tight to her as he breathed in the smell of her hair, a smell he knew would haunt his dreams and fantasies for the months and years to come.
She closed her eyes, willing herself not to sleep, not yet, not wanting the dawn to come… wanting to make the most of these last few hours together but at the same time feeling the exhaustion of emotions of the last few hours pull her towards dreamland.
I love you, too.
Author's Note:
One more chapter to go! We're coming up on the end.
xoxo,
Lily Jacobs
