You Can Live: Chapter 28
Soooo much work. I really can't think right now...Philosophy papers really stretch your brain in places you didn't know existed...
Disclaimer: you know
***Warnings: This chapter implies some very not good things!
Officially...
When dreams are nothing like reality, sometimes we can find it within ourselves to realize this and either wake up or let the dreams have their way. However, the mind is more clever than we give it credit for. It plays tricks on itself, making it think that what we are seeing is real. It takes memories, both good and bad and twists them, ever so slightly, until we are convinced of their falsehood. Eventually, we forget what is real and what isn't.
The mind also enjoys replaying nightmares over and over, occasionally letting you forget what you were even dreaming about in the first place. You are only left with a terrible feeling, knowing you had just witnessed something horrible. Yet, by the time you fall back asleep, you have forgotten this or deliberately pushed it out of your mind. This is where true memories come out to play. Nightmares are by far the most malicious trait of your brain.
Especially since it loves to use memories you had thought you had completely forgotten about.
Harry fought as hard as he could, but his skinny little arms were no match against the man holding him down. His throat was all worn out from screaming, and all he could manage now were small, pathetic whimpers. He had started ignoring the tears streaming down his face long ago, once he realized they meant nothing to the man above him.
NO! No! His fists beat against the man's chest, and still nothing. It wouldn't end. It would never end. He wanted it to stop so badly.
Eventually, he just gave up, going limp and not fighting anymore. The man smiled at him and ran a hand through his hair. Harry wanted to turn his head away, but he knew that would only make him even more mad. So, the man continued, and when he finally (finally!) left Harry alone, in the dark room, the young boy curled up into a ball and sobbed silently.
He only uttered one word into the darkness, one that he had never used before.
"Mummy…"
It wasn't unusual for Harry to wake up sweating and panting for breath. In fact, for years it had been the norm. However, this time, Harry bolted out of bed completely and ran for the bathroom across the hall.
He just managed to get in and close the door before falling in front of the toilet and losing whatever food he had eaten the day before. Everything was a blur without his glasses and through his tears. The worst part about it though…Was that he didn't remember his nightmare.
Again, like the night before, he still felt those horrid feelings of self-hatred and disgust and shame, but he could not tell you why he felt those things. Just like he wouldn't be able to tell Severus who was standing in the doorway.
"Harry. Nightmare?" Harry would nod if he didn't think it would start him throwing up again. Neither of them were prepared for his reaction when Severus laid a gentle hand on the back of his neck.
Harry gasped and pulled away as fast as he could, shoving himself into the corner of the bathroom. Snape and he stare wide-eyed at each other for a while, before Harry finally calmed his breathing enough to speak.
"I-I'm sorry. I didn't think…" Severus inclined his head in understanding, but Harry felt the need to explain himself more.
"No. I swear. I-It wasn't you…I just-" Instead of continuing his failed attempt, Harry clenched his eyes shut and tried to take deep breaths through his nose. It wasn't working though. The young man flinched a bit, startled, when he felt Snape lay his hands on his shoulders again.
"You are hyperventilating, and that will only do you more harm than good, Harry. Just, breathe with me." He gingerly took hold of one of Harry's hands and laid it on his own chest, over his heart. Snape took slow, deep breaths, and together they managed to calm Harry's racing heart. It was only then that Harry opened his eyes, and looked up at his guardian.
"I'm sorry, Sir. For waking you." Snape shook his head without a word and held a hand out to pull Harry up off the floor.
"I can't say I was sleeping much better, though I would wager your nightmares were considerably worse than my own." Harry could only shrug.
"I couldn't say, Sir. I…I don't remember what happened." Severus raised an eyebrow and gestured for Harry to follow him. He led them to the library, where they settled into opposite chairs. It was there that Harry saw it was still pitch black outside; Snape drew his attention back to him with a simple question.
"Again?" Harry nodded. Severus looked at him closely. "You don't remember anything, and yet, you have been having such violent reactions." The young man bowed his head, ashamed to be caught in his lie. Except…it wasn't really a lie now was it?
"I really don't remember anything that happened. Truly. But…" He trailed off, unsure if he really wanted to continue. Snape had seen the aftermath though, surely he would…understand. Hesitatingly, he met his guardian's eyes. "I still…feel things. Like emotions." Severus continues to stare at him.
"Powerful enough emotions that you tremble and become violently ill…" He did not ask this, only stated it as fact, mulling it over. Harry shrugged, and did not look at him.
"I don't know, Sir. I don't remember what happens; I just feel horrible when I wake up." Snape knew he could not push. This would have to be one of those things that Harry had to come to him first. Be the one to start the conversation. So, Severus simply held out a hand and helped Harry to his feet.
"I believe you. How about we go down to the kitchen? Some tea is appropriate for such an hour as this." Harry followed Severus down the stairs and soon they were both seated in the living room, a cup of tea in their hands. Snape was surprised that Harry sat himself right beside him on the couch. It was uncommon for the boy to seek physical proximity with him. However, here he was, one foot tucked under himself and only a foot away from him sipping his own tea. Severus wasn't uncomfortable, though he wondered how uncomfortable Harry had been that he was now trying to be close to him, when he had flinched away minutes earlier.
They finished their tea in silence, and Harry soon found himself clutching the tea cup just to have something to occupy his hands. The tea had helped him calm down a bit, but he wasn't feeling too sleepy. It was two in the morning, but he could not feel any tiredness in his body. Severus noticed this.
"Wait here, Mr. Potter. I believe I can help us both find some rest this evening." So, Harry stayed on the couch, while his guardian went back upstairs to…retrieve something? Harry could only assume it would be a potion, so he was surprised when Severus came back down stairs with a book in his hands. In fact, it was the book Harry had started a week or so ago. Snape settled next to Harry and opened to the bookmarked page.
"My mother used to read to me when I could not sleep, and since then it has become a habit to read aloud when I find rest alluding me." Severus did not look at Harry when he said this, as if he were a bit embarrassed by that piece of information. Harry only gave a small smile though.
"That sounds nice." So, Severus began to read aloud from the book. After a few pages, he felt Harry begin to creep closer, until eventually the boy was leaning into his side. Severus did not acknowledge this, for fear it might cause his ward to back away again. He continued on through a chapter, and then two, until he felt a heavy weight on his shoulder. Glancing sideways, his lips curled up upon seeing the boy had fallen asleep. However, then came the dilemma of where he was to sleep. In the end, he just gave in and stayed where he was, not wanting to wake the young wizard.
Snippy found them in the morning, Harry asleep on Severus's shoulder, and Snape's head leaning against the top of Harry's. She smiled to herself and found an old camera. Snippy snapped a picture and made a mental note to take more.
The sun was a few hours past dawn, and Snippy didn't not try to be quiet in the kitchen. If they sleep too late it will only make them more grumpy, and…just no. Snippy was not dealing with two grumpy wizards. Instead, she made a full English breakfast, and was pleased to find both of them stirring on the couch when she was about to announce that it was ready. Harry woke fully first, and nearly fell off the couch in surprise. Snippy giggled but felt bad for the boy as he blushed. The commotion of it all had Snape's full attention, but he only smirked and offered Harry a hand to help him up.
"I am glad you slept well, Mr. Potter." Harry bit the inside of his cheek in embarrassment, but nodded.
"Thank you, Sir…and sorry for…sleeping on you."
"We slept on each other, Mr. Potter. No need to be embarrassed." He patted his ward's shoulder, and Snippy cleared her throat.
"Breakfast is ready for Masters Snape and Harry." Both wizards smiled at the happy little house elf and followed her into the dining room. They were pleasantly surprised by the feast laid out for them, and thanked her. Harry's stomach growled as he sat down, and he felt that he would easily be able to finish it all. He did not miss Snape's smirk when his stomach rumbled, but he chose to ignore it, and even managed to not blush.
Halfway through the meal, Snippy popped in with mail. She set the letters beside Snape's elbow and popped back out after a satisfactory glance at Harry's nearly empty plate.
Severus snorted at the address on the first letter and opened it.
"I am surprised this did not come sooner." At Harry's questioning noise, Severus explained.
"This is a letter from Mrs. Weasley announcing the engagement of Ms. Granger and the young Mr. Weasley." He continued to read and then raised a brow.
"She would also like to know what you wish to do to celebrate your birthday. She insists upon a party, and knowing her, she already has a guest list planned out. I believe all she is asking for is a date at this point." Harry's stomach dropped at the mention of his birthday. His mind replayed his conversation with Menos from the shop.
"On your next birthday, you'll remember everything. It'll be my personal gift to you, and until then you won't see or hear from me. But don't come crying to me when you want me to take them away from you again." Severus noticed the blood draining from Harry's face and felt his forehead in concern.
"Are you alright, Harry?" Harry snapped back into the real world, and plastered on a smile. He set his fork aside in case he dropped it due to his shaky hands.
"Y-yeah. Yeah, sorry. Um…sure. Party is fine. As long as it's not a lot of people. Maybe…maybe the day before my actual birthday?" Snape nodded, though still eyed Harry critically.
"Any particular significance to that day?" Harry swallowed down the lump in his throat.
"No…just…I guess, I thought I'd just like to…rest…on my birthday." He threw in a well-knowing chuckle to play it up. "Weasley parties take a lot out of me." Severus nodded.
"Very well. I will inform Mrs. Weasley of your preference." Harry nodded, and Severus set that letter aside. Picking up the next one, he was surprised to find it blank. Then, the envelope shimmered when he touched it. Only then did a name appear on the outside.
Kingsley Shacklebolt
Severus suddenly felt a sliver of doubt over whether he should open it in front of Harry. Deciding it to be best not to, he sets it back down, and continues with his meal. He was not pleased to find Harry now distractedly pushing his food around his plate, when before he had been happily eating. What distressed him more was that it seemed any mention of his birthday upset the boy greatly. Severus had his theories, but without explicit acknowledgement or detailed reasoning from the young man himself, he had no way to prove them. He refused to simply barge into Harry's mind; he was not that man anymore.
When Snape was finished and he had had enough of Harry playing with his food, he dismissed himself from the table.
"I have a few things to work on in my lab, Mr. Potter. I should be gone for only an hour or two." Harry nodded and watched as his guardian walked away.
Only once Snape was downstairs and the door had been locked and warded, did he open the letter from the Minister of Magic.
Snape,
I was informed yesterday of a formal accusation against you in regards to your guardianship. The accusers claim you threatened and forced them into giving you rights over Mr. Potter. There will be a private hearing in a few days. I will support you in this in any way I can. I would highly recommend that Mr. Potter not be present at the hearing, as a few disturbing things might be brought out or described. Also, if he is there, the Magistrates will be more inclined to force him to recount, in detail, what his time with the Dursleys was like. I know neither of us want that, so if there is anyway you can get him to stay at your home or with the Weasleys that would be preferable.
You will here from the Ministry, officially, in a days time.
-Kingsley
If only writing papers for college was this fun... :/
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