Warnings: language, mild violence. mentions of suicide. mentions of death.
Ana needs a drink. Preferably the strongest one she can get. It's not like this day could get any worse than it has been, and Ana needs a fucking drink. Then she needs to take a long bath, grab her book and curl up around Ezra for a good read. It won't happen though, because as much as she wants those things, she can wait to have. What she really wants though, is to find Bucky and check on him.
If he even allows her to get close. Ana has had worse scratches from Ezra than whatever Bucky thinks he did to her. She did end up popping into one of the bathrooms to look at the mirror. She hates to admit it, but Bucky was correct with the finger marks around her throat. There's three distinct marks, just slightly red, and welted. She doesn't think they'll bruise, thank the Lord, but Bucky isn't going to forgive himself. She needs to find him. She needs to talk to him.
Her day decided to give her just one more curve ball. Ana is sitting in a conference room, after Fury had come in and basically nailed everyone in the department's asses to the floor. There should no longer be any question of who is in charge of the Deprogramming and anything anyone wants to complain about can take it up with someone who gives a flying fuck. Nick Fury's words, not hers. Ana loves him. She doesn't love what she hears next after Fury left.
"Did he kiss you?" Jared questions hotly. The chattering in the room falls quiet. It takes a moment to realize he spoke.
Ana quickly responds to Pepper and Tony's group message. She looks up at him. "What?" she questions, dumbfounded.
"The Winter Solider." He clarifies, snarling his lip up. As if she needs reminding. It only happened three hours ago.
"Again. What?" She puts her phone away in her pocket.
"He did, didn't he."
"You have no idea what you're talking about, so I'd advise you keep your damn mouth shut." Ana warns lowly.
"Did I strike a nerve?" Jared smirks at her. "Your poor little, mindless Soldier. Confused and lost, and the only reason he didn't suffocate you is because of your pretty face."
Ana can feel her jaw twitch as she grinds her teeth. "Do not undermine my skills." She tells him dangerously, balling her fists.
"Must be nice." He continues.
"Shut the fuck up."
"Is that how we're preforming healing sessions now, by fucking the victims? Must be great motivation."
Ana stands so quickly, the chair falls over. She marches over and punches Jared square in the face, landing her fist on the corner of his mouth. He stumbles back, covering his mouth and glaring at her. He looks like he wants to throw one back at her, and decides to do go for it. Ana catches his fist, quickly twists his arm until his elbow pops, and knees him in the gut.
When he goes to crunch forward, she slams the heel of her palm up underneath his chin. His teeth snap together, and he groans as Ana finally shoves him backward, hard enough that he hits the floor. She steps up to him, placing the sole of her boot between his legs and firmly against his balls. She stares down at him.
"Let this be motivation for the next time you decided to run your stupid mouth." She hisses. It takes all she has in her not to spit in his face. "I think you forget who is actually in charge here, and it'd be wise for you to remember that. Keep running your mouth, Sharp, and I will not hesitate to rip your fucking balls off."
Ana looks up at the rest of the faces in the room. Some expressions are shocked, some grave, and some fighting back a smile. No one steps up to help on the pathetic man on the floor. "If anyone else shares the same asinine options, feel free to inform me, you'll get the same treatment."
No one says anything.
"That's what I thought. Now if you'll excuse me." She steps off Jared, leaving him moaning in pain on the floor.
The air and the wind on the roof isn't doing anything to help cool Ana down. She decided to stay outside, since her energy levels are bad, and darkened with anger. It makes lights pop in hallways, the keypads on the door open, and even made the blender come to life as she passed through the kitchen. Ana is pacing back and forth and she doesn't even have anything to throw. She pauses, closes her eyes and inhales, attempts to refocus and calm herself. She tries counting, but a surge of more anger is rising up and she releases a frustrated noise, gripping her hair. She has half the mind to flip one of the chairs.
To make it worse, her phone she suddenly shut off. Right in the middle of a rather frantic group message. Ana hasn't even bothered to try and turn it back on, knowing it'll just shut off again. If she can't hone in her emotions right now, the entire Up State might lose power. Which is strange and new, because for the past ten years, Ana only thought her abilities was for healing. Not being able to actually effect power and electricity. Ana barely registers the noise of a metal door opening.
"See," Comes a familiar drawl from behind her. "Here I am, trying to avoid you and slip slowly into my self-loathing, but you're up here causing chaos downstairs."
Dropping her hands from her hair, Ana moves to sit on one of the chairs. "What do you mean?" She sighs.
Bucky sits next to her on the same chair, but stays a good distance apart. "The lights are out. Sam is upset because the TV cut out in the middle of a baseball game."
"Sorry." Ana mutters, then lays back across the chair. "Please don't avoid me, Bucky. I've had worse than little welts on my neck." She waves her scarred wrist in the air, as if he forgot.
"I barely remember doing it." He confesses. "It's like I was seeing you, but I couldn't stop myself."
"But you did, Bucky. You could have done anything, snapping my neck would've been the easiest."
"Please don't say that."
"You fought against it. That's what happened. I think you grabbed me because...because...you knew I could help. You begged me to help you." Ana leans up on her elbow. "Do you remember saying that?"
Bucky looks pensive, but his eyes are a bright blue and his energy feels less, hysteric. "I do." He answers slowly.
"You wanted me to help. You"- Ana scoffs, "wanted me to use that taser disk. You put it to your own fucking chest."
"That I don't remember." Bucky frowns.
"None of this was your doing, alright? In fact, let me blame myself. I should've fought harder, I should have realized something was going to happen and that-"
"Stop." Bucky cuts her off. "If you want to blame someone, blame-"
"Simon. Simon Mills. That's who I'll blame because yes. It's his fault that he tried fucking it all up."
"You're getting so angry about it." Bucky states, concerned.
Ana sits. "Yes. Because I'm tired of them trying to take over, as if I can't do this. I've been dealing with fuck face Jared and his comments. I've been fighting Simon off my back for weeks and he still goes and does this shit. Speeding up the process because- ugh! He probably just wanted to see you triggered and have your Winter Solider fluffiness running around."
Bucky has the good grace to at least roll his eyes are her.
She continues. "Yes. I get angry about it and I should probably hide the fact that I do, but I don't. I don't because why should I? I get angry because I...I care about you, a lot. It's not right for them to compromise your progress and all the hard work you've done so far, Bucky. So yes. Let me angry at them, let me defend you because you never defend yourself and that's not fair either. "
"I feel protective over you. You deserve to have a sense of safety and security, to heal. To have happiness and love and friendship, and the moment that is threatened, you can bet your ass that I will be there fighting every second of it."
Ana pauses and pushes her hair away from her face. She makes sure for this next part that Bucky is looking straight at her.
"You need to start fighting for yourself too. You really need to start seeing yourself how I see you. Don't try and tell me you don't deserve it because you do, and you really need to start seeing that you deserve good things. That you are worth fighting for and I'll be damned if I let anyone, especially you, get in the way of that. I get so angry because I care about you, Bucky. You're just going to have to live with that."
"You're something else." Bucky mutters, he sounds almost breathless.
The loud ringing of Ana's phone startles them a little. At least it's working again. Ana sees Pepper's picture pop up, and she goes to answer it.
"I have to take this, otherwise Tony will send a suit just for me to fly there and feel the wrath of Pepper."
Nodding, Bucky says. "I know she's your family, but I won't lie and say I wouldn't be terrified to meet her."
"You've had a conversation with Tony before."
"Like Pepper isn't the one calling the shots behind him? I hear that runs in the family too." He smirks at her.
Ana glares as she answers the call. "Let me call you back, Pep." She waits for an answer then hangs up. "Bucky. Please do not blame yourself for today." Ana tugs his hair gently. "If you want to mull over something, make it the fact that you held back. You asked me for help and you fought it every second of the way. Be proud of yourself."
"I think, maybe I fought so hard because I was trying to protect you." Bucky reaches out to take her free hand. "I care about you too, Ana. More so than anything and I couldn't bear to know I hurt you. That's why I let them put me in that holding block."
Ana squeezes his hand. "We're fine Bucky, you and I. I'm fine. You didn't hurt me. Try getting some rest tonight, yeah?" With one last squeeze, Ana pulls her hand away, and heads back through the stairs to her room.
Bucky hasn't had the worst two days, but he definitely hasn't made it easy on himself. He still has guilt for nearly choking Ana out, even though she insists he didn't even come close. No matter how much he tries to avoid her, just so he won't see fear in her beautiful brown and gold eyes, Ana just won't leave his side.
She'll press her thigh against his if they're sitting next to each other. Or she'll briefly touch the knuckles of his metal hand, the same one that was wrapped tightly around her delicate neck just days ago. The welts have disappear, but if Bucky looks close enough, there's a slight yellow discoloration on her neck.
However, Ana keeps giving him small little smiles and it calms the anxiety in his chest. It still doesn't stop his mind from reeling at night, and he stares up at the ceiling more often than not. When he finally gives up on sleep, Bucky goes to the kitchen, only to find Ana already there with the jar of Nutella and two spoons. They stay up talking for most of the night, with the TV playing in the background.
When Ana ends up falling asleep, leaning against Bucky's arm and having absolutely no worries about being so close to someone who could have killed her. He could have crushed her windpipe, he could have snapped her neck, but all Ana did was fight for him. Broke him out of the holding block, then made sure he wouldn't blame himself. So, if Ana can find it in herself to forgive him, to continue to work with him, then why shouldn't Bucky forgive himself too.
It's only the second time he does it, but Bucky gently picks Ana up in his arms, careful not to wake her. Her head rests against his chest as he carries her to her room. Ezra ends up following him, keeping a distance from his legs, and hops up on her bed waiting to be cuddled. Bucky carefully places Ana on her bed, making sure she is in a comfortable position, pulling the duvet cover up and over her shoulder. He does what he couldn't resist last time, and runs his fingers through her soft hair. He doesn't know how someone so beautiful, inside and out, can see him like she does. Ezra curls up into Ana's side. Bucky scratches behind the cat's ears, then leaves the room, trusting Ezra to look over Ana.
He is still feeling a little guilty when it happens. This Jared Sharp thing just isn't going away, and Bucky is about a minute away from making good on his threat. They run into each other when Bucky was sent to get more coffee again. The cafe is empty when he enters, but when he turns to leave, Jared is standing there. His green eyes narrow at Bucky, but there's a smirk playing on his mouth.
Bucky has to grit his teeth, and hold back the urge to just break his nose in. He tries ignoring him, tries to just make his way back to Ana, to the lab, and put someone who is insignificant behind him. It doesn't happen, for Jared decides to open is mouth again.
"Amazing how a kiss can clear your brainwashed mind." Is the comment Jared makes.
Bucky has no idea what he's talking about, still a little fuzzy on the details of that day. He doesn't want to hear it though. "Maybe if I punch your teeth out, it'd be harder for you to talk shit."
"You can threaten me all you want, Soldier, but it doesn't change that I'm right about her." He says, a bite to his tone.
Bucky halts, turning to face him. "You think I'm going to believe anything coming out of your mouth?"
"Has she ever told you what really happened?" Jared taunts. "How Alex died I mean. The real truth, no? Maybe it's because you're a part of it. Did she tell you he was taken by Hydra?"
Bucky's chest clenches. No. Ana hadn't informed him of that.
"I'm sure you remember." He continues lowly. "Or maybe you don't, and that's why she hasn't told you. Must not be what you two talk about when you're all alone."
There's a sickening feeling twisting in Bucky's stomach. He's trying so hard not to believe his words but...it's beginning to make sense. His skin starts prickling and it feels like ice runs down his spine, colder than the chamber he was kept in. His heart is racing, pounding against his chest, clenching the air in his lungs.
"Think about it, Sergeant. Why has Rios been so private about this? Why hasn't she told you if she has told you everything else about her life? Maybe it's because the Winter Soldier is responsible for taking the last member of her family away. That is something you're used to. Isn't it."
With that, Jared grabs something from the refrigerator, then leaves Bucky standing there. Frozen. His mind reeling and his heart racing, and he's desperately trying to recall memories from seven years ago. He couldn't even remember what happened with Stark's parents until he saw the video; how is he supposed to know if Jared's word are true. He needs to find out.
Bucky makes it back with the coffee, dropping the container on the cart with a loud smack. He spots Ana, and Bucky feels himself frowning, can feel his mouth turning down and he can't hold back it. He has to know. He walks over to her desk, leaning against the edge of it.
"We don't lie to each other, right." Bucky starts, Ana's head snapping up from her journal. "You keep saying that, but there's something I think you have been lying about and I think it's to spare my feelings."
"What are you talking about?" Ana frowns, confusion written all over her face.
"You said your brother died." He answers her, keeping his voice low. "How did he die?"
Ana pauses for a moment, then closes the journal. "Why...why are you bringing this up?
"I just need to know. You said he was an agent-"
"Bucky-"
Bucky shakes his head. "You said he was an agent sent on a mission to take down an organization. He was sent to take down Hydra, wasn't he? It was Hydra that tortured him. It was Hydra he was rescued from and it was Hydra that triggered him because they tried doing the same thing to him that they did to me. It was all Hydra wasn't it?"
For some reason, all his emotions are churning inside him. It can't be true, but the way Ana is looking at him, says it is. Her chest is rising and falling a little rapidly, and the muscle at her jaw is jumping. Her eyes are wide and flicker with either memories or emotions. As if Ana had been hiding this for a reason, and Jared's word play within his mind.
"Why are you asking me this?" She whispers.
"Because I need to know if I was the one who killed him!" Bucky snaps. He can feel his chin trembling, he clenches his fists to hold back his emotions. "I need to know if I ruined your life."
Ana stills. They stare at each other, breathing a little harder than before. Ana's eyes are glossy, like she's trying to hold back tears. A tear actually escapes from Bucky's own. He feels his chin trembling, so he grits his teeth together to stop it. Finally, Ana speaks up.
"Why do you think you were the one to kill him? Where did you even get that idea?"
"Please, Ana, just answer me. I need to know." He begs quietly. If he was the one who did it...Bucky doesn't think he can be here anymore.
She shuts her eyes for a moment. "Yes. It was Hydra." When she opens them again, they're staring fiercely into his own. "No. You did not kill him."
The floodgate in his chest breaks open with relief. He's ruined so many people's lives, so many families. He has so much pain, regret, guilt and sorrow for every single one, despite knowing he had no choice in the matter, but this. He's just so incredibly relieved he didn't ruin Ana's. That even though her life has been touched by Hydra's evil hands, Bucky didn't take the most important person in her life away.
"What happened?" He whispers, taking a step forward, but Ana pushes her chair back and stands.
"He was set on a mission to infiltrate one of their bases." She explains. "He was compromised. He was captured and tortured for two months. They attempted to brainwash him. He was rescued by another team of agents and in the end, they took down that base."
Ana slowly sinks back down into her chair, running a hand through her hair. Her fingers trail down her neck to chest her, clutching her necklace. "He was never the same after that. Nightmares every night, screaming awake, running away. He was confused a lot of the times. I tried so hard to help him. To ease his mind but he stopped wanting me to help him, said it wasn't working. Said he was too afraid of attacking me again, too afraid that he might kill me. We moved from that apartment after the first time. Hydra just found him again."
She takes a breath, then blows it out. "Apparently, Alex knew way too much even though he hadn't said a word to anyone. They found him. Broke into our home and threatened to kill me if he didn't go back with them."
Ana huffs a one syllable, humorless laugh. "I wasn't even there that night. It was an empty threat." Her voice drops to a barely there murmur. "It didn't stop him from killing himself though."
Bucky's heart breaks in his chest, falls into piece at his feet.
"I walked in the next morning...and found him." Ana's voice cracks, her lips trembling. "The Hydra symbol left on his chest."
Ana blinks, tears falling from her eyes. "So, no, Bucky. You did not kill my brother. The people who tortured him did. Indirectly. They drove him to, because he would rather do that, than have them hurt me."
The silence after that is loud. He wants to pull Ana close and comfort her, but her arms are crossed, and she's closed off. She's no longer looking at him, instead her gaze fixed to the floor. He feels devastated for her.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Bucky eventually asks, breaking the quiet.
Ana doesn't hesitate to answer. "I knew you would probably blame yourself for something you actually didn't do, but still would have twisted it around somehow. So please understand that you had absolutely nothing to do with it. Plus, I didn't want to talk about it. What happened with my brother is why I started here. I wanted to help people so bad, to help them through any PTSD. I saw the pain every day in my brother's eyes, and I want to help people who go through anything like that. If I can put an ease to their thoughts, to their feelings, even just an ounce, then I'm going to do that."
"You're doing a damn good job of it." Bucky tells her. His comment makes her lips twitch. "I'm sorry I made you talk about it. Truly."
"Don't apologize. You were going to find out some-" Ana pauses and sits up straighter. Her expression switches so fast, it has his head spinning. "Bucky, did someone make you think you were responsible?"
His split hesitation is enough of an answer.
"Who was it?" Ana demands, a dangerous tone to her voice.
"You really have to ask." He answers.
Ana is out of her seat in a flash, speed walking her way out of the room. He follows behind her quickly, because whatever she's about to do, can't be good. She got a good head start though, Bucky's legs taking a few seconds to work. When he catches up with her in the hallway, she's practically running. He jogs until he's next to her, slowing down to match her speed.
"What the hell are you going to do?"
"Kick his ass." She responds, sharply turning the corner. They're heading towards the gym. "That fuck face put it in your head that you did it. Because he knew what it would do to you. The real question is why the hell he would?"
"I'm guessing because he hates every fiber of your being." Buck inputs. They turn down another hallway. "Which I don't understand at all. You're beautiful and witty and-"
"If you're trying to be cute to prevent me from killing him, it's not working."
Bucky grabs her arm, making her stop and swinging her around. "He's baiting you, Ana. I don't know why he did it, but this is probably what he wants."
"Then he'll get it!" She snaps. There's a fire in her eyes. "Because for some unknown reason, he seems to be against this whole process. He wants to undo everything you've worked so hard for and to put that fear and guilt back into you isn't right."
"You're not doing this because he hates you? You want to kick his ass because of how it made me feel, what he made me think?"
"Yes!"
Bucky releases her arm. She beams, then starts walking again. They reach the gym doors and Ana pushes right through. There's a small crowd of people; working out, chatting and running. Jared is boxing. Ana strolls right up to the bag, catching it in the back swing and thrusts it forward with surprising force. It nails him in the gut. He bends over, the wind knocked right out of him.
"What the hell is your problem!?" Ana yells, catching the bag again. She shoves it at him once more before he can fully stand back up. He falls to the ground and Ana steps to the side.
"What the fuck!?" He shouts, rolling over. There's an angry snarl on his lips.
"Why the fuck are you trying to sabotage everything's he's worked on!?"
Jared crouches and launches himself at Ana's leg. She easily jumps over him, twisting to face him after she lands. With the boxing gloves on, Jared swings his right fist towards Ana's face. Bucky lunges to move, to step in and protect her, expect what Ana does next make him stop.
She leans, grabbing his fist, yanks his arms to the side. She bends her body down, placing her free hand on the mat, then swings her legs up and around Jared's neck. She traps his head between her thighs, hooking her calves over his shoulders and with her momentum, brings Jared crashing down onto the mat.
Bucky blinks in surprise as the other people in the room react loudly. Bucky is shocked, but it's a move he has seen before. It's a move he has even done before; when he trained Natasha Romanoff. It's one of the clearest memories he has. There's a sense of pride swelling in his chest, and Bucky takes a step back, crossing his arms in amusement. He knew Ana was putting up a facade.
Jared's arm is pinned to the floor and he can't seem to get out of the hold. Until he tries hitting her with his free hand. It distracts her enough that he can lift his legs up and over his head, flipping over. Ana breaks her hold, getting up quickly and preparing for his next attack. Jared takes his gloves off, throwing them to the side.
"Fine." He spits. "This was a long time coming anyway."
Ana scoffs. "I'd kick your pathetic little ass, Sharp. I don't want to fight you, I want answers!"
Jared just comes at her again. He throws another punch, and Ana moves out of the way, expect Jared drops and swipe kicks her feet. Ana jumps but not in time, and she ends up stumbling. Bucky notices her wince as she regains her feet, bending over to catch herself on the mat. Jared takes his chance, advancing on her back, wrapping his arms around Ana and pulling her up.
"You're just too busy playing with your Solider for answers." He sneers in her ear.
Bucky is worried for a split second, then Ana snarls. She uses his hold as leverage, kicks her legs up, then jerks them back down. She bends forward, using her momentum to bring Jared over her back and slams him down on the mat. It looks like the air is knocked out of him as She places her heeled boot on his chest.
She glares down at him. "I mean it. I will break your nose if this happens again."
When Ana goes to turn away, Jared moves. He kicks the back of Ana's right knee. She cries out in surprise, and Bucky is moving before she can hit the floor. He catches her, Ana gripping his forearm tightly, her nails digging into his flesh. With his help, Ana stands and faces Jared. She's holding her right leg up, her toes barely touching the mat. Bucky wraps his arm around her waist to support her weight.
"I don't get you." Ana says, a sad sort of tone to her voice. "I have never done anything to you, and you have this unadulterated hate for me."
"You've done plenty." Jared spits back, standing up and wiping his mouth. "Maybe if you devoted more time into your brother like you have with Barnes he wouldn't be dead."
"Fuck you." Ana spits. "You have no idea what you're talking about. You didn't even know my brother."
Jared huffs. "I knew him."
"No you d-" Ana stops talking.
When Bucky looks at her, her eyes have widened and her mouth drops. Her skin looks a little pale, and he can't tell if it's from pain in her knee or something else. She looks shocked.
"Oh, my God." Ana breathes, her grip tightens on Bucky's arm. "You're the boyfriend."
What. "What?" Bucky asks, utterly confused.
"Alex." Ana explains, her voice still breathless. "Had a boyfriend. I didn't know him, I never met him. You're his boyfriend."
"Was." Jared says. "Not anymore because-"
"You blame me for his death." Ana states. "You're a fucking idiot."
Jared just glares at her.
"This whole time, Jared. We could have grieved together but this whole time you decided to hate me instead."
"Annie," Bucky tires, shifting her weight. "Let's just go."
She finally looks up at Bucky like she remembers he is there. She nods, then looks back at Jared. "We aren't done here. We are going to talking about this. For the meantime. Stay the fuck away from him!"
No one needs to ask Ana to clarify who she is talking about. Bucky practically picks her up And walks her out of the gym.
