I've been away a looonnggg time. I won't even try to give my excuses. But I'm back now : )
I forever thank my muse. Without her this story would have died a slow, painful and pathetic death, sinking down to the ground screaming 'Noooo! Write meeeeee! I'll do anything…' So here's to you Sarah, forever and always, and then vampires.
Don't get mad about the part where her apparition destination is the ministry, if your looking for plotholes. She's not actually apparating into the ministry, she apparating near the ministry, the ministry being her final destination and I could be bothered to spell it out for everyone, but just in case it bothers you, she is NOT apparating directly into the ministry.
Please review.
She had reached the door and was turning the handle when she heard him speak again. "You should probably stop by at The Burrow Tonks," he said, "Right away. Molly worries about you, you know."
Tonks stared at him. "I'll go as soon as I can," she said.
"See that you do," he said, his eyes twinkling one last time before he sat back down and opened the door to his office with one careless wave of his hand.
-RL&NT-
She left his office, her mind a complete jumble of confused thoughts and half-formed questions. How did Dumbledore know that she was having dreams about Remus? Was that the whole reason he had asked her to meet him today? Why did he really need her in Hogsmeade? What was this connection she had with Remus?
Her questions would remain unanswered, clearly, seeing as she was now on her way out of the castle and it frustrated her. So what, now she had a connection with Remus and the things she saw in her dreams was real? What would she see next? What if she saw something that wasn't really happening and she gave Dumbledore false information? What if Remus was injured or killed and she saw it but couldn't save him in time? Yes, the questions were many and stressful and Tonks brain worked overtime just to try and sort it out.
She was so engrossed in her own thoughts that she didn't notice Snape as he rounded the corner the same corner as her, but from the other direction and as a result she ran straight into him, her head smacking against his chest as he stopped dead. She fell to floor less than gracefully and landed heavily on her backside.
His lip curled as he stared down at her disdainfully. "Maybe you should be more careful next time, Nymphadora," he drawled. "We all know a certain wolf wouldn't want you to get yourself hurt… But wait, he's not here right now is he? He's-"
Tonks stared up at Snape from the floor, the insult barely registering in her brain. Dumbledore's words echoed through her mind as she looked into his eyes. There was torment there; buried deep, but it was there. It was pain, substantial pain that she had never noticed before, and yet it was not fresh. "I'm sorry!" she blurted out, cutting Snape off midsentence.
Snape narrowed his eyes. Somehow, it felt as though her apology was not just for running into him. "I do not need your foolish apologies Nymphadora,' he scowled, his voice as cold as stone as he turned to walk away.
"Snape!" she called, as she scrambled hurriedly to her feet. "I mean it! I'm sorry! For everything."
She watched as he stopped, his shoulders softening a little out of their previous tense frame. He didn't turn as he spoke. "You have nothing to be sorry for," he said. His voice lacked it's usual freezing quality and for once, Severus Snape sounded confused and unsure.
He shifted as though to move away, but she spoke again, startling him with her unexpected words. "Neither do you."
Snape turned, his hands clenching into fists at his sides. "How would you know anything about my sins Nymphadora?" he bit back. "I'm not a hero and I'm not a person to be pitied so don't even try. You don't know anything!"
She tried not to be discouraged by his apparent anger. "I know that you didn't have a choice," she told him, her lips curving in a small smile as he registered her words. "I know that you regret it."
Snape couldn't help the images that flooded his mind at her words, sneaking past his usually impenetrable walls. It was true; he did regret it, but he couldn't understand why Tonks had had a sudden bout of maturity. He also hadn't ever thought that she'd be perceptive enough to see that he truly did regret it; nobody ever was. So he reasoned with himself; of course, she didn't really understand and she didn't know a thing.
How could she know that every time he closed his eyes at night he saw the blood behind his eyelids? How could she know that every scream he'd ever heard rang in his ears when he went to sleep? How could she possibly know how hard he tried to block the images of tiny bloodied children, unmoving on the floor, their mothers distraught and tortured as they watched on without a choice, from his mind? She couldn't possibly imagine the things he kept behind the walls be had built in his mind.
He glared at her, ice in his eyes. "You don't know a single thing," he shot back at her, his voice low and menacing.
Tonks gazed at him and shook her head slightly. There would be no getting through to him today and she didn't mind. She still thought he was an insufferable git. There was no way around the fact that the man was a royal pain in ass. Now though, she understood why and she felt bad about the way she, and everyone else treated him. "Fine, if you say so Snape," she said. "I'll just be on my way."
He didn't even grace her with a reply as he turned and swiftly walked away. As a result he didn't see Tonks smile at his back. Tonks knew him well enough by now to know that his lack of response was a sort of truce, an acknowledgement.
As she walked away Tonks laughed softly to herself, the irony of the situation striking her. Snape had actually made her smile, genuinely, and she hadn't since before Remus had left.
Once she had reached the outside of the grounds, and left through the gates, she prepared to apparate - the ministry as her destination - still shaking her head slightly in amusement.
- RL&NT -
The amusement in her eyes faded as stepped through the floo and into the quiet halls of the ministry. She was hating being here more and more lately, especially since the departure of Remus. She had lost faith in just about everything the ministry did these days. It all just seemed so fake.
She looked down as she caught a ministry worker staring curiously at her, and walked forward as quickly as she dared. It wasn't the first time she'd caught people staring in her direction lately; people she didn't actually know and had never seen before. As she walked towards her own department, she frowned and considered why on earth this could be. Maybe she was imagining things? In any case, she concluded, she was probably spending too much time with Mad-Eye.
She didn't even consider the possibility of spies inside the ministry.
The truth was that Fudge was suspicious. A werewolf named Remus Lupin had disappeared, and she was rumored to have contact with him. Fudge just knew that she was closer to the wolf than she let on, he was just yet to find proof. No, for now it was best to just keep an eye on the young Auror.
The two were bumped out of their thoughts as they ran into something in the hallway. Tonks ran straight into Fudge's chest and bounced back, landing on the floor. Fudge looked a little flustered as he smoothed the front of his robes, while squinting towards the floor.
"Er- Nymphadora?" he asked, confused, choosing to conveniently ignore the fact that she was sprawled across the floor at that current time. "Just who I needed to see."
Tonks scowled at him. "Why do you need to see me, sir?" Meetings with Fudge could absolutely never end well. Seriously, the last time she had seen him, he'd tried to slip her a bloody potion. It was certainly clear where all the trust was around here. Oh well, it wasn't like she could refuse anyway, so shrugging her shoulders she started picking herself up off the ground, muttering to herself. "Oh never mind. Spare me the bloody lies already."
Fortunately Fudge was too preoccupied to catch the words as they came out of her mouth. She was on thin ice enough already within the ministry without Fudge having any more reason to suspect that she was part of the Order. Fudge frowned as he thought of Dumbledore's interference. He insisted on having Nymphadora stationed in Hogsmeade, to guard the school. Surely this meant that something was going on, right? He was clearly going to have to ask her what her standings with Dumbledore were.
A moment too late he extended his hand to help Tonks up off the floor, but she had already scrambled up while he was lost in his thoughts. She glared at his outstretched hand but otherwise made no comment on the matter, wise considering the circumstances she supposed.
There was an awkward silence as Tonks waited expectantly and Fudge stood rubbing the back of his neck with one hand. Tonks raised an eyebrow at him when he made no effort to move. "Er- Minister? Can we move? As much as I love this hallway, with its wonderfully spectacular interior-"
Her sarcastic words were cut off as Fudge waved a hand, flustered again. "Of course, of course, er- come on then!"
He promptly turned and started to walk towards his office, with Tonks rolling her eyes behind him. It was an awkward walk; they attracted stares as they maneuvered the halls of the Ministry. Tonks just wanted this to be over. She didn't want to be at work, let alone in Fudge's office. She just wanted to be at home alone, thinking about Remus and trying to think of some way to get to him.
She missed him terribly; so terribly that it was like physical pain. She felt it rising in her chest like a panic attack, the need to be with him clawing at her insides until she felt like screaming for him. She felt the distance acutely and she felt cold. Half of her was who-knows-where as she struggled to compensate for the parts of her that he had taken with him. It felt like swimming through deep water while she had no strength: she was struggling without him.
She needed him with her so badly that she felt like just shutting down until her was there, like she couldn't possibly carry on without him. She'd never experienced anything like this. She had never thought that she'd need anyone this way, but she was realizing just how much of herself was tied in with Remus. They were almost like one person, they were just so intertwined.
She blinked back the tears that were forming in her eyes as the reached Fudge's office door. He opened the door for her and she entered the room and stood behind a chair. She heard the door click closed before she saw Fudge out of the corner of her eye, walking towards the chair behind his desk.
"Sit down Nymphadora," he told her.
Tonks glared, but she did what she was told. How many times did she have to tell him not to call her by her first name? Was it some game for him? She almost snorted out loud In amusement. How pathetic would it be if this was how Fudge got his pleasure out of life; by stubbornly sticking to his stupid code, where apparently, it was impossible to call Tonks by the name she wanted?
"I'd rather stand, actually."
"Please Nymphadora, I do quite insist."
"Oh, well, if you insist…" The way Tonks emphasized the word insist clearly told Fudge who had the upper hand here. Tonks wasn't going to cop whatever idiot stories and lies Fudge tried to feed her tonight, and she saw fit to let him know exactly that.
The narrowing of his eyes told her he was at least smart enough to get the message this time.
They sat for several moments in uncomfortable silence, during which Fudge surveyed the woman before him, who appeared to be quite bored. Something had to be going on though, he was sure of it, and surely he was just the man to find out exactly what.
But he had apparently underestimated her, or overestimated himself - he was reluctant to acknowledge the latter- and he quickly realised this as conversation ensued.
"You're a valuable worker here within the ministry, Nymphadora," Fudge stated; a clear attempt at flattery that frankly made Tonks feel more than a little sick.
She raised her eyebrows, smirking a little. "That's why you have assigned people to watch me, right Minister?" she asked, her tone as innocent as she could make it.
Fudge appeared disconcerted for a moment before apparently pulling his wits together, well, assuming he had the wits to pull together; the dim-witted, slimy, stupid, bloody-
"I don't-" he squeaked before clearing his throat. "That is, er- I don't know what you're talking about.
This man will never survive this war, Tonks thought. He doesn't even know how to lie convincingly. "I believe you." Her patronizing tone made it painfully clear that she didn't. Fudge though, like the imbecile he truly was, seemed to believe her.
"Right Nymphadora," he chuckled. "What's a little joke between friends?"
She threw him a grimace that must have passed for a smile, judging by the pleased look on Fudge's face. She only just refrained from shaking her head and gagging. Friends? With Fudge? Somehow, Tonks thought she'd die first.
"Right! So, anyway. I have a little assignment for my favourite auror!" Fudge exclaimed cheerfully.
Ok, so this was hell. This man was sickening. It was lucky that Tonks hadn't eaten yet today because you had a distinct feeling that she may have lost her breakfast if she had. She knew for a fact that she was not Fudge's favourite auror. She also knew that Fudge was only assigning her this 'little assignment' at Dumbledore's insistence.
"And what would that be?" Tonks asked, taking a leaf out of one of Snape's potions textbooks and appearing to be bored and impatient, not at all happy with Fudge's less than stellar company.
"You and a select group of aurors will be stationed in Hogsmeade," Fudge said simply, peering at her to catch her reaction.
"Why?" She didn't give him any satisfaction at all with her reaction.
"To protect the people of Hogsmeade," Fudge explained.
Tonks eyes narrowed as she thought about his response for a second. "What about the school?"
"What about the school?" Fudge's brow creased as though he seriously could think of no reason why the school might need protecting.
"The students. Harry-"
"Harry Potter has Dumbledore to look after him, and security around Hogwarts has been drastically increased," Fudge replied calmly.
"And Dumbledore has nothing to do with this assignment you're giving me? Nothing at all?" Tonks asked suspiciously, running one hand through her short hair, which was rapidly turning from pink to red and back to pink again.
"Of course not. The Ministry-"
Tonks had had enough. This was an outright lie, and she knew it because she'd just come here fresh from Dumbledore's office. "The Ministry has done a bloody fine job of protecting Harry so far haven't they?" she spat. "Without Dumbledore-"
"Without Dumbledore the boy might actually listen to us!" Fudge exclaimed, slamming one stubby hand down onto the desk between them. "Without Dumbledore we'd have a chance of convincing the boy to trust us! All Dumbledore ever does is feed people lies and plant false hope and create drama where there should be no bloody drama!"
Tonks was on her feet in a single moment, unwilling to hear a word against Dumbledore. Yes, he could be a sneaky conniving bastard, and yes; he was playing them all like pawns in a chess game, but he had better intentions than the Ministry, who seemingly still held hard feelings just because Harry refused to be their poster boy. Why should he, after all? The ministry had spent an awfully long time telling everyone that Harry was insane and a liar; why would he want to help them now? He even had this carved into the back of his hand by the Ministry's most 'highly trained and qualified, ministry approved educator'. If people were beginning to lose faith in the Ministry, then Tonks thought that to be a good thing. It was about damned time that people grew a brain and thought for themselves. The ministry was not as pure as so many liked to believe.
"Dumbledore is a great wizard; honorable in his intentions, and he sticks to the truth. I don't see him denying the existence of Voldemort for months on end, unlike-"
"And just what is your relationship with Dumbledore, Nymphadora? I could have sworn you told me not too long ago that you and he were never close! I'm not the fool you think I am-" He paused to glare at Tonks as she let out a snort of amusement at that last part. "- There's something going on. Clearly, you aren't as loyal to our Ministry as you should be."
She did not grace him with an answer just yet, instead turning to the door and placing her hand on the handle. Opening the door just slightly she turned to face him and made her final point. "You did not bring me here today to find out more information about Dumbledore, did you Minister?" She asked innocently, knowing fully well that this was his exact intention. "I was rather under the impression that you were planning to offer me an assignment." She smirked at the look on Fudge's face, the dark scowl making it obvious that he wished he had not yet extended the offer. "I accept, by the way."
She opened the door fully and stepped outside, and casting a glance around the halls, she said loudly enough for most to hear; "And don't worry Minister, I do assure you that I am not plotting against you with Headmaster Dumbledore." She sniggered quietly before adding, "I would have thought that after the little issue at Hogwarts not so long ago, you would have given up on that notion already."
Fudge's face twisted a little as he no doubt remembered trying to take down Dumbledore for Harry's defence group; Dumbledore's army. It was a low blow, but Tonks was not worried about being fired right now. She had bigger things to worry about, more important things like Remus, and Harry and those damned dreams.
The memory of the discussion with Dumbledore made her groan in frustration as she wondered what she would do. Maybe there was a connection, maybe not. The truth was that she missed Remus so much; the last thing she wanted was to spend her days and nights convincing herself that there was someway she could contact him through her dreams.
Shaking her head, Tonks concluded that no matter what, this would drive her insane with worry, and that she would spend her days and nights worrying until Remus returned, and the last thing she wanted was to see him die before her eyes in some dream she couldn't escape from, knowing that it is as real as it feels, and that when she wakes up, she wont be able to tell herself that it's only just a dream.
-RL&NT-
"You got to go to school?"
Large shining eyes stared up at Remus, filled with wonder and hope for a future that was well out of the little boy's reach and, not for the first time in his life, Remus was filled with gratitude, because he had been able to go to school, been able to live a relatively normal life. Someone had believed in him enough to take the risks involved with his condition just so that he could have a fair chance in the wizarding world, and Remus just wished he could say the same for the circle of young children who sat before him.
There were a couple of adults in the cave in which he sat with the children, but they only looked at him when they thought he wasn't looking at them. Remus didn't really care; it was better than the attacks and open hostility he received from the other werewolves in this camp. At least he could trust these two not to try and kill him in his sleep, if nothing else.
They were grouped in caves with Greyback in the center, the other caves spreading outwards like limbs. He was protected that way. Intruders had to get around many occupied caves before coming anywhere close to him. Remus was in a cave with two adults and five children, all five children aged under eleven. The youngest was only four and she didn't speak much. It was startlingly obvious to Remus that she obviously didn't trust adults. She alternated between looking completely terrified and deep in thought. She'd been bitten at the age of only three, and it broke Remus' heart every time he glanced at the young child as she clung to the back of a six year old boy's dirty, ragged shirt; the same boy who'd just asked Remus a question.
At first, when Remus had tentatively inched towards this particular cave, the children had been absolutely terrified and filled with a mistrust that tore at Remus' heart. The adults had moved out into the open to face him, halfheartedly. They were a tired pair; their eyes were blank and bleak and they watched everything that went on with disinterest. Their confrontation was a warning, but they'd backed hesitantly back into the cave when Remus had not retreated or attacked and they'd hardly looked at him since.
None of the children were theirs, this Remus could tell, for they ignored the children too, for the most part. These were children who had been taken and bitten by Greyback, and they were grouped together out of fear. Neither the adults nor the children were filled with Greyback's vision of power, but rather were outcasts, trying to survive their fate on the edge of society, not able to leave for fear of being shunned from society and hunted down by Greyback, but not having the energy or will to truly become the monsters they were forced to turn into.
Remus glanced around the cave, eyes tracing the edges of the shadows in the corners where the light from the small fire in the center of the cave didn't quite reach. The two adults were feigning indifference, but Remus was sure that they were listening to him all the same. Remus symbolized hope, and it sure as hell sounded as though he was offering them a way out, talking about what they could be without Greyback and he made it clear that there was something better than this out there.
The children, who had been so fearful at first, had crept closer and were now staring towards him, captivated by his stories. Even the terrified little girl, who Remus had learned was named Emily, was peering around the back of the young boys shirt, her eyes reminding him of Luna Lovegood in a way. There was more in those eyes than there should have been for a child that age; like she was under no illusions about the world, and what a corrupt place it really was. There was no childish wonder there, as there should have been. There was no hope there, and no happiness, only a forlorn sense of knowledge and maturity well past her four years. It was no way for a child to look.
Remus tore his eyes from Emily's and answered the boy with a warm smile. "There's this great wizard," he said quietly. "He risked so much for me, as I know he would for any of you. He believes in you too, you know. Some say he has magic that others don't know about; magic that he-who-must-not-be-named could only dream of."
The children were captivated, enthralled: Surely, Remus must be lying. You-know-who was the only one who could save them now, right? That was what Greyback was telling them anyway. But then, Remus seemed so much nicer than Greyback, so they should believe him first, right? Greyback was cruel and had hurt them, whereas this man had not hurt them at all. How could Remus really be worse than Greyback when his voice was so comforting?
The young boy with the shining eyes leaned closer and even though he whispered, it sounded loud in the silent cave. "Is he Santa Claus?"
The boy remembered Christmas with his parents and his little sister, who clung still to the back of shirt. He remembered how Santa left presents under the tree for him to unwrap, and he remembered how happy it had made his mother and father; made them so happy that their smiles seemed permanent. But even Santa hadn't been able to save his parents, even though he'd prayed to God every night since their gruesome death, the night of his and his sisters turning. If this man was Santa, then the young boy had some questions for him, like could he bring his parents back next Christmas, if he was a good boy in between?
Remus laughed out loud, startling the children, who leaned back looking slightly scared and confused. Genuine laughter was something rarely heard in Greyback's camps, and so it startled them to hear it. From the expectant, hopeful look on the child's face it was clear that Santa was the most mystical magical being he could think of.
"Not quite," Remus said, his lips twitching in amusement. He smiled kindly as the young boy's face fell slightly. "His name is Albus Dumbledore."
-RL&NT-
I know, I know. I'm an evil non-updater! I should be able to post more often though, now. Writing is my way out : )
Please review, if you can forgive my lateness.
