Okay, so I'm not very happy with this chapter because writing both of them was like pulling teeth, but I'm going away for a while and I've delayed enough, so here, have a super long chapter which I split into two halves!
Chapter 28: Haunted (I)
Shepard
I heard a stifled grunt of pain right at the back of James's throat before he let loose a series of hissed Spanish profanities that lit up the huge, refurbished container we were both sat in.
"Man the fuck up, Vega," I said smugly, staring dead ahead, "your shoulder is like the least painful place."
"I know that," he growled, "did you miss the giant tattoo all over my neck?"
"I got my neck done when I was fourteen," I bragged, turning to him with my left arm still raised behind my head, "and I didn't make anything near as big a fuss as you're making now."
He pursed his lips, "Hey, don't get pissy just 'cause I've got more delicate skin than you, Lola."
I snorted a laugh despite myself at the cheeky glint in his eye, and the batarian working on my skin grumbled in irritation as my ribs shook under his needle. Clearing my throat apologetically, I glanced down to see how the work was progressing and saw that he'd finished the outline of the stylised N7 logo and was working on the block colours. At least that meant my movement hadn't screwed anything up too badly. The logo would rest on my left side, just under a large, rounded scar left by Cerberus which was already closing up nicely.
We must have made a hell of a sight, the two of us in this shantytown, shirtless and careless and getting almost-matching tattoos in the middle of a war. People recognised me, I realised, because more than one passer-by had none-too-subtly snapped a quick shot of me and the Lieutenant as the batarian artists worked away, disinterested. If the batarians recognised me, they hadn't yet mentioned it. That was probably a good thing.
When James had suggested I come with him to get an N7 tattoo to celebrate his acceptance into the programme, I'd assumed he was joking, but the more I'd thought about it the more sense it had made. Nothing was certain in this war. No one knew if they were making it out alive. I had my service number tattooed on the back of my neck, and many more mementos scattered around my scarred body. What was one more? And I liked James. I wanted the very best for him because damn did he deserve it. At least this way, whatever happened to me in the future, he'd be able to say that not only did he serve with Commander Shepard, the legendary N7, but he'd been right there next to me when we got that prestigious logo inked on our skin. Tattoos themselves didn't matter as much as whatever it was that spurred you to get them in the first place. Having them 'touched up' by Cerberus after the originals were burnt away had made me think of my body art very differently.
"So where's the Major?" James asked in that 'I'm too damn smart for my own good and I'm going to pretend that isn't obvious' voice of his.
Where was the Major? Well, the last time I'd seen him I'd been kissing him goodbye as I slid out of the covers that very morning before we docked in the Citadel. It had been near impossible to leave him and the warmth of the bed we shared, but I didn't get many lie-ins these days. Not when everyone was on a different schedule and the Normandy's early morning was the Citadel's late afternoon and there were always, always more meetings to grit my teeth through. My meetings and briefings had finished for the day, but Kaidan's were still going on. We'd had a half-baked plan to steal an hour for lunch in between, but he'd messaged me to say he'd be stuck for almost the rest of the day. So now, here I was, free as the birds etched on my wrist that were getting a new friend at this very moment.
"He's at the Spectre HQ," I said vaguely, "You know, picking up a few things, filing reports, boring shit like that."
"So how come he's there and you ain't?"
Because he's sitting in a meeting that I was supposed to attend, after he told me in no uncertain terms that this was one thing I didn't have to take personal responsibility for, especially as he'd had a few more hours sleep more than me. Part of me felt bad, seeing as he'd only gone to bed early because he'd felt the beginnings of a migraine, but if he said it was fine then I'd respect the ability of my fellow Spectre to cope with one extra meeting, and just…do what he'd said. Relax.
"Because I felt like getting inked," I replied with a one-shoulder shrug that wouldn't move my ribs.
"Well, glad you could make it," he said, grinning as he glanced over to me, "Haven't had many chances to get away from it all, you know? Not recently, anyhow."
"I wouldn't call sitting in a refugee camp 'getting away from it all,' Vega." Even if, I thought, slumming around the worst part of town I could find was how I used to have fun. These days when I went into the most exclusive club on the Citadel, I got to sit with the goddamn owner. Times sure had changed.
"Yeah, but you know what I mean."
"I do," I said simply, drawing in a slow, deep breath of the recycled Citadel air, "It sure feels good to get off the ship and not have to kill anyone." Even I was tired of washing Reaper guts out of my hair. There was only so many times you could grit your teeth against the endless tide before it started to grind you down. Moments like this – and moments with Kaidan – were necessary, only if I could remember what it felt like not to have a gun in my hand.
"Hah, well it's early yet," Vega cocked his head to one side, "You never know." I never did. That's why there was still a gun strapped to my hip.
A young turian passed us, did a double take, and stared openly. I made eye contact and lifted one straight eyebrow, smirking in satisfaction as the voyeur hurried off in surprise. Yes, I thought, moments like this were what I would remember as I took my last breath. I was young, I was healthy, my eyes were like crosshairs, my body was almost entirely made up of muscle, I was one of the most powerful woman in the galaxy, and I was getting tattooed at three in the afternoon in a shipping container with my Lieutenant because I felt like it. We settled into companionable silence, and for a while, the only sounds were the buzzing of the needles and the background rustling of the docks. If it weren't for the war, I could sure as hell get used to this.
"So…" James started all-too-innocently, and I braced myself at once, "you and the Major, huh?"
For a marine built like a tank, he could gossip like a goddamn schoolgirl. I knew denying it would only make him push harder because however he'd figured it out, he knewnow, and he'd never fallen for my bullshit before. He'd long since stopped being afraid of me, even though we both knew I could kick his ass with my bare fists. There were definitely downsides to being friendly with your crew.
Instead of lying, I just stared straight ahead with a hard set to my jaw. "Don't push it."
"That a yes?" he asked, and I could picture the glint of humour in his eyes, the mischievous pull to the corner of his mouth.
"It's a 'shut up before I shut you up,' Lieutenant," I said sharply, turning to glare at him.
"Just sayin'," he shrugged with the one shoulder that wasn't being inked, "you seem a lot more chilled out than usual. I just thought…" He didn't need to say what he thought. I knew what he thought and it was true. Having something – someone – to look forward to at the end of the day helped keep my head screwed on tight and my feet firmly on the ground. I didn't know how I'd ever thought I'd get through it all on my own.
"Tattoos relax me," I breathed as the needle screamed over a bone.
"Yeah," he huffed in disbelief, "I'm sure that's it."
I opened my mouth to rebut him again, but it seemed pointless, and instead we settled into a comfortable silence again, punctuated by the stop and start of tattoo needles as they finished up the last few lines. This was definitely one of those memories I'd cherish later, when all was said and done. The hour I'd snatched when I had nothing that important to do, nothing too pressing. There were a few missions that would demand my attention as soon as we were finished on the Citadel, but right now the fate of the galaxy was out of my hands for once, and was instead being looked after by networks of agents gathering intel and determining the next best place to focus our efforts. Something was brewing with the asari, Kaidan said, but they could look after themselves for now. Just for a while.
I looked over at James, and an impulse rose up inside me to say something nice to him, to be honest for once, now that I'd found I liked how that felt, not to mention the End Of Days looming up ahead. He was fast becoming my protégé, and I couldn't have asked for a better pupil. He wasn't me, of course he wasn't me, but he'd be a hell of a leader one day, and a kick-ass N7. I wanted him to know that I appreciated everything he'd done for me, even when he'd gone against my wishes for my own damn good in the past. He claimed, sometimes, that he was only here because Anderson still hadn't told him he could stop guarding me, but we both knew better. He'd sacrificed a lot to stay with me on the Normandy. I hoped he thought it was worth it.
"I'm glad you're still here, Vega," I said after a while, my eyes sliding over to where he sat. He glanced up at me and smirked, but it wasn't joking or flippant – something in his eyes told me he knew what I meant.
"Me too, Lola."
oOoOoOo
Being overstocked with medigel really did have its advantages, I thought as I spread another thin layer over my healing tattoo. It sunk into my skin, cooling the faint burn that ran along the raised edges. The colours still hadn't quite settled down, but I was liking the look of it already – somewhere between a brand and a badge of honour. It sat on my ribs in such a way that it was unlikely anyone would see it when my clothes were on – unlike my other tattoos – and that was how I liked it. My own private little homage to the institution that had done so much for me.
It was mutual, of course. I was probably the most famous N7 in the galaxy, and I'd done a lot to raise their profile. Members of the public often forgot that my mentor had been the first ever N7 graduate, but it was hard to ignore the stripe down my armour in every shot of me circulated around the airwaves. I became famous enough as the first woman to get the logo etched into my breastplate, and now that it was etched onto my skin as well, I could proudly say that I was legendary in my own right. As I stood there, staring at my own reflection and the ugly sports bra I had to wear, I hoped that seeing me on the frontlines would inspire more women to go after the renowned title I'd snapped up at the tender age of twenty five. Hell, I'd have appreciated a little less testosterone clouding the air when I'd been training.
Maybe I'd start up another foundation after the war, I thought, like the Memorial Foundation that scooped up lost kids from the now-burning streets of Earth.
After the war. As if there were such a thing, even in my fantasies. It seemed impossible to think about, but, day by day, with Kaidan's help, I was starting to imagine what such a world might look like. It turned out that if you started believing everything could be okay, even if just for a second, that didn't automatically mean your whole world would come crashing down at your feet.
With my hair still loose around my shoulders – definitely getting too long – I picked up my dogtags and pulled them over my head, the cold metal kissing my skin as they fell between the rigid outline of my strapped-down breasts. I kept my eyes squarely on my reflection as I brought the tags up and pressed my lips to the Alliance symbol on one side. The moments before a mission had started to feel good again, just as I remembered. Electricity would crackle over my body in anticipation, I'd started to feel smug about all that I could do and almost sorry for those that would get in my way. Missions like this were the kind I loved. We'd be liberating people, pulling them out of the fire and avenging those that Cerberus had already got to. I felt triumphant already, and I hadn't even got my armour on yet. Deep in my bones, I could feel that it would be a good day.
I heard the chiming of my cabin's doors opening and knew immediately who it was. No one but Kaidan would come in without knocking, and even then it was only because I'd hammered it into him that he didn't have to act like a guest when he was basically living up here. I hadn't seen him all day as we'd both been busy elsewhere on the ship, and I hadn't thought I'd see him before the mission either, but when I wandered out of the bathroom I realised he must have had something to tell me, as he was looking down at a bundle he held cupped in his hands.
He glanced up at me with a bemused half-smirk on his face, and I raised an eyebrow in question.
"I found something of yours," he said cryptically, "scuttling around the engineering deck."
His hands opened, and my mouth fell open in shock as I saw my hamster nuzzling happily at the skin of his palms. I hadn't even thought of where he might have got to – I'd just come back to my cabin after six months to find the cage empty, just like my fish tank. I assumed one of the retrofit crew had adopted him, taken him away somewhere, but apparently not. He was here, he'd escaped, survived somehow, and now he was back. Like a cockroach after a nuclear blast, only with huge cheeks and soft, tawny fur.
"I didn't think he'd made it through the retrofit," I said, watching as the hamster looked up at me and sniffed the air experimentally.
"So he is yours?" Kaidan asked sceptically, manoeuvring his hands around as the little creature scurried about, exploring the territory of his wrists and fingers, "I thought Tali was just screwing with me when she said 'Shepard will be wanting that back'."
"What, I can't have a pet?" I took it from him, a spark of static flying between us as our fingers touched briefly.
"It's just…with the empty fish tank, I thought…" he glanced back to me, brows together in thought as though he were trying to unravel some kind of secret. More likely, he was trying to reconcile the idea of me with my abs and dog tags on display with the fact that I was holding my hamster affectionately and scratching the back of its neck.
"Fish are shit," I said matter-of-factly, "all they do is swim about like they own the place, and they're too stupid not to knock into the glass." He still looked a little dubious. "I like my hamster," I insisted, "He's soft, loyal and, apparently, indestructible. I don't even want to know how he survived for so long down there. Engineering better check none of the cables have chew marks."
"What's his name?" he asked, smiling adoringly in a way that made butterflies spring up in my rock-hard belly.
"He doesn't have one," I said defensively, loving the amused glint in his eyes that made me feel a million miles from the warship we were on and the mission just ahead, "There aren't many hamsters in space. I didn't think I needed to single him out by giving him a name he won't even understand."
"That's…uh…" his smile broke into a full on grin and he chuckled, shaking his head in disbelief, "That's very true. Guess I never thought of it like that before."
"I do have some good ideas," I smirked, cocking my hip to the side and watching his eyes flick down to my torso, bare but for the ugly, impenetrable sports bra he was getting very good at taking off with one hand. His teeth nipped at his lower lip unconsciously, and I could read his damn mind. Against my will, something warm stirred deep in my belly.
Not now, I scolded myself, not just before a mission. There wasn't enough time, and being so relaxed played havoc with my reflexes, but even as I moved over to my desk I felt his eyes following me. As I reached up to the empty cage to deposit my hamster, I stretched expansively, showing off every inch of my skin and my toned, flexible body, and imagined him just looking. I knew exactly how much power my body had over him, and I loved it.
That morning I'd been woken up not by Kaidan's hands or lips, but by a message saying that Anderson was available in the comm room, and, of course, by the time I'd got back he was already on shift and there hadn't been time for anything more intimate than hands touching together for a split-second as we passed in the hallway. Even the night before, I'd fallen into a deep, dreamless sleep as soon as my head hit the pillow, and the day had been a long one. I knew I had an over-active libido – it was one of the many things that made working with Kaidan such fun – and I knew that Kaidan's metabolism meant he was just as active as I was, so really, when I thought about it, and when I turned back to see that he was stepping towards me with a glint in his dark eyes, it was actually pretty difficult to justify not—
His arm slid around my back, bare skin against skin, pulled me closer in one swift movement, and my mouth opened under his as soon as our lips touched. My heart fluttered powerfully in my chest, every bit of warmth in my body flooding right to my core as he kissed me, full and deep, stealing the breath from my lungs and making my legs weak with want.
He pulled back, nose still touching mine, and when I opened my eyes I was pleased to see he was just as flushed as I was. I shifted my thigh and felt him hard against me, a groan rumbling in his throat. I tried some quick calculations in my head about how much time we had left, but when his fingers dug into the skin at my back, urgent and insistent, I no longer cared. I kissed him again, pure, scorching lust pounding through my blood.
"Attention ground team and shuttle crew," EDI's voice chimed out from the ceiling, and I felt my skin prickle with cold, "Our ETA for Grissom Academy is fifteen minutes. Please prepare accordingly."
"Shit," I heard him growl as he broke off.
"Mmm," I huffed in agreement, my body tense and shaking with unfulfilled desire. Above us, my hamster squeaked approvingly and I broke into a breathless laugh, his nose brushing against mine.
"So…we'll talk later?" he murmured, using the phrase that had now become code for 'upstairs in ten' while we were on the ship.
"Sure thing, Major," I purred as I reluctantly moved away from him and, because I felt like making things even worse, slowly and deliberately slid down my sweatpants as I made my way over to where my undersuit was hanging up. Looking over my shoulder, I was satisfied to see his eyes resting firmly on the curve of my backside, just before they moved up to my face and he gave me a stern, scolding look before turning briskly and walking out the door to suit up. I grinned. Shame there wasn't enough time for a cold shower.
I pulled on my undersuit, ignoring the desire still swirling tenaciously in my abdomen, and sucked in deep, calming breaths to steel me for the mission ahead. By the time I'd pulled my armour's gloves on, the hunger had died down to a kind of twitchy, agitated alertness that would hopefully be perfect when we were breaking through the hold Cerberus had on the academy. There would be time for the rest…later. We'd make time.
The mission itself was satisfying as hell. They'd never seen us coming, and together with Garrus we ploughed through Cerberus's troops. Kaidan's biotics meant he could shield the students from any collateral damage while knocking the hostiles into neat little rows for my shotgun and the turian's sniper to take out. Seeing Jack again was a nice surprise, especially considering how much she'd grown in the time I'd been locked up. Teaching apparently agreed with her, but then I should have known pretty damn well what happened when you gave a volatile, damaged killer something to care about. I told her, sternly, that she'd stolen my haircut, and she spat back that it looked better on her. Couldn't argue with that, at least – Jack could wear the hell out of anything.
She'd squared up to Kaidan as one all-powerful biotic to another, and he'd stared her down with the quiet confidence of someone who knew full well that they were in charge. The two of them were polar opposites in how they used their biotics, but both were very, very skilled, and even if Jack had no time for his title, I knew she'd respect that about the newest human Spectre. What made the difference was Kaidan's control, his instinctive knowledge of when to hold back and when to charge in, his perfect timing taught by a lifetime of strict discipline. She saw that for herself when her wide barrier was getting pummelled by heavy gunfire from all sides, and Kaidan was suddenly just there, pushing Cerberus back with a shockwave before throwing up a barrier in front of hers that would hold them off long enough for the students to escape while Garrus and I tore through the reinforcements. Jack had crouched down to catch her breath, and I'd caught her eye as she looked back at me in disbelief, as if to ask where the fuck I'd found this guy.
Back on board the Normandy, spirits were high. That was what happened when not only was the mission a success, but casualties were minimal and we'd gained a hell of a lot of support. My spirits were pretty damn high too, but that had a lot to do with the looks Kaidan was throwing at me, the ones that made my iron-clad composure slip. His expression was the same as always – calm professional, but there was something smouldering just beneath, something just for me. Being able to watch him during the mission at such close quarters had been…stimulating, to say the least. It wasn't that I didn't know exactly how powerful Kaidan was, it was that being able to sit back in cover and watch him tear through an enemy flank knowing that he was all mine was something I could definitely get used to. I wondered if he was doing it on purpose. I'd certainly been showing off on purpose, throwing in a few athletic leaps and using my omniblade more than was strictly necessary to get the job done.
Apparently it had worked, because the glint in his eyes definitely wasn't just adrenaline comedown. A side effect of me showing off had been my armour getting grazed by a bullet more than once, and so I was putting it into its case in the hangar bay so the dents could be buffed out while I slept. The third time I tried and failed to open the crushed buckle at my hip, I swore. It was at an awkward angle, and with my breastplate still on I couldn't quite reach it. That was when I felt him come up behind me, smelt the crisp eezo on the air, and even through the layers of plating I could feel his fingers working deftly at the buckle until it popped open, but he didn't stop there. His hands skimmed under the section of armour that lifted off, as though he were helping me remove it when in reality he was just making every muscle he touched tense up in anticipation. I glanced back to see his face – the picture of nonchalance, just like mine – and he made no move to leave. I lifted my arms, daring him to continue, and with the same careful pressure he undid the catches at my ribs. When his fingers brushed over my undersuit it felt like his lips trailing across bare skin.
Goosebumps rose on my arms, and though the post-mission calm had descended over me already, I still felt wound-up and tight, straining clockwork just held in place by the cameras I knew were watching our every move, not to mention the soldiers just around the corner, chatting away in total ignorance. I knew this was ridiculous, and definitely something a woman of my calibre shouldn't be stooping to, but when I looked over my shoulder again and felt his breath soft against my neck, eyes burning with desire, it took all the self-control I'd built up over a lifetime to not just throw my arms around his neck and fuck the regulations.
"We'll talk later, okay?" I said breathlessly, putting a stop to this right fucking now before he did something stupid like kiss me and make it impossible for either of us to reach the elevator – let alone my room – without the cameras catching far more than they should.
"Sure thing, Commander," he murmured, voice husky and low and not helping. I caught a sparkle in his eye, and realised with a stab of fury that this was just payback from earlier in the day when he'd no doubt found his armour a little tighter than usual. I lifted my chin, feeling the flush painting my cheeks, and turned purposefully on my heel before striding towards the elevator.
I didn't have time for this. I was a Commander and I had shit to do, and I wasn't going to let my one-time Lieutenant think I was putty in his hands. Instead I swallowed the need brewing deep inside me, and changed into loose clothes with a scowl on my face. I reported to Hackett with all of the blunt irritability he'd come to expect from me, and it felt pretty damn good to be told that things were going well for a change. It felt just as good to be able to relay that same information to Anderson, who took the news about Saunders with a deep sigh of pure relief that told me it wasn't just professional concern. She'd spoken about him as though she'd go through the ordeal at Grissom again and again if it would just keep him safe, and now Anderson's words made me smile. It was good for him to have something personal to fight for too, just like I had. In a way, we'd always had each other, but we both knew that wasn't enough, not when we were both soldiers who found every month we stayed alive a pleasant surprise. If this war was being fought with morale and human spirit – that was all we had over the Reapers while the Crucible was still in construction – then small victories like Grissom would see us through to the end.
They would have to.
It was almost an hour later that I found myself finally confirming the next destination with Joker on the galaxy map, one of Hackett's missions from a tip-off that he assured me would be worthwhile. I'd meant to get away quickly, but there were always more reports and briefings that required my immediate and undivided attention, and as much as I wanted to celebrate a battle won, the war was still raging all around us. By then it was late in the day and I was starting to wonder where the hell Kaidan had got to, but, as always, I didn't have to look far. I glanced up as the elevator doors opened, and there he was, the corners of his mouth curving up against his will as I entered.
"Major," I said sharply in greeting, catching the way his hands twitched by his sides. I steeled my expression, swallowing the smile about to break out on my face as I jabbed the button for the top floor. Kaidan didn't respond, but as soon as the doors shut out the rest of the ship, his arms dived around my waist and crushed me against him, my mouth opening under his as he kissed me just as hungrily as he had hours ago. I pushed him against the wall; fighting back and fumbling with the clasp of his belt, feeling all the adrenaline come flooding back at once. The doors opened again, and this time there was nothing to stop us, no bystanders or cameras or missions, nothing but the night ahead.
By the time we'd stumbled into my actual cabin his hands were sliding my top over my head and my stomach was twisting itself into knots, begging and aching because two false alarms in one day was just too much when I had this much tension to work out. I pulled his shirt open and heard something rip but I didn't care, neither of us did. He gasped as I shoved him roughly onto my bed, and as I climbed over him, a predatory fire in my eyes, he grabbed me around the waist and rolled me beneath him, lips and teeth dragging ravenously over my neck.
I made to push him back, to flip him over again and take charge, but the feel of his muscles just beneath the skin of his shoulders made me forget, and as his lips closed over my nipple all I could do was stifle the cry in the back of my throat and dig my fingers into his thick, black mass of hair. His hand moved from around my waist and trailed down the toned muscles of my abdomen, my hips bucking in anticipation when he slipped beneath the waistband of my pants, reaching lower, agonisingly slowly, until he cupped a hand against me, rough fingers sending delicious ripples through my body with every move. I could feel him hard against my thigh, but all I could do was writhe in place with my nails scraping against the sheets. With one last, electric flick of his tongue over my breast, he shifted forward and claimed my mouth with his again, coaxing half-stifled moans from my lips as the pressure built at my core.
My hands trembled as I pushed my underwear down from my hips, still twisting beneath him, and as he tugged them down the rest of the way and glanced up at me, the pure, primal need in his eyes making me melt inside. Reaching behind his neck, I pulled him to me and kissed him, stubble scratching at my cheeks, and every second where he fumbled with the still-closed buckle of his pants was an unbearable infinity. When he urged me to lift my hips and then, finally, conclusively, moved inside me, I let out a cry ripped straight from my throat.
I braced my foot against the bed to press myself closer as we moved, hard and fast and desperate for every hot breath and inch of skin to blur together. I didn't care that my voice was loud and brazen, or that we were hanging off the mattress, or that this would only last a matter of minutes because I'd been ready for hours and even now I could feel him tensing up, groaning into my neck, and the air was rushing into my lungs and I was swelling up, arching my back, sparks prickling along my body in sweet, breathless anticipation until—
Every drop of blood rose to the surface of my skin and flushed it pink as I reached a peak and the moment hung in the air. And then it was all I could do to throw my head back and gasp and hold his body to mine as the waves heaved through me like thunder, one crash after another, leaving me weak and shaken as a leaf on the wind.
Everything in my head was the crackling at the end of a firework show, the flowing out of the tide, and the simple, soft-focus intimacy of the afterglow. Kaidan's shoulders moved beneath my fingers as he leant up on his elbows and kissed my face lazily, lovingly. I caught his neck in the crook of my elbow and pulled him down so I could kiss his lips instead. The pounding of blood in my ears wound down to a warm, pleasant hum, and I opened my eyes.
The breathless smile on his face then was the most perfect thing I'd ever seen, the brackets framing his mouth and the creases at the corners of his eyes making it even better. He was looking at me as though he'd swap every other moment lived for this one instant in time and, honestly, right now the idea was pretty damn tempting, especially considering my life before.
At some point since we entered, the lights had been dimmed, and I wondered privately what EDI must have thought of that display of animal lust. I decided I didn't care, and smiled back up at him. We parted, our arms still tangled together as he rolled onto his back and pulled me with him, my body twisting so every part of my flushed skin could be touching his. I'd never known there could be so much comfort in simple skin-to-skin contact, but then, I supposed, we were all just animals deep down. And I'd learned in the past few days to take my comfort where I could.
We'd done well today, I thought. That was all that needed saying about the mission, or the war. We'd done well today, and we'd do even better tomorrow. I could feel the tide turning, deep within my bones. Maybe that was just the cocktail of hormones rushing through my blood as I nuzzled against a man I'd chased for years. I took in a deep, satisfied breath, and let it out as a laugh when his dreamy smile turned into a full-on grin.
This, right here, was perfect. This was the thing that I held onto in my mind when everything else seemed hopeless. This, when it came down to it, was what I was truly fighting for, because now that I'd found him again I wanted to spend the rest of my life curled up just like this, and I wanted everyone else to have the same chance for happiness as I'd been given twice. To do that, we'd have to kill the Reapers, destroy Cerberus and win this goddamn war, but…well, tomorrow was another day.
"That scar on your lip," he started huskily, reaching up to cup my face and stroke a thumb over the deep groove left by an attacker's knife that had split open my mouth at the tender age of seventeen, when I'd looked in the mirror afterwards – head shaved, eyes hollow – and known that no one would ever look at me and think I was beautiful. Things changed.
"Mmm," I hummed in encouragement, pursing my lips to make the trench of scar tissue even more obvious than it was.
"It's in almost exactly the same place as mine," he said simply, "but on the other side. They're like…mirror images, you know?" He breathed a sharp laugh, then, as though the thought and the fact that he'd said it out loud were both stupid, but inside I'd turned to jelly. I'd thought that same thing before, of course I had, and I'd thought of when we kissed and those relics of our teenage years lined up together, but I'd never for a second thought of saying it out loud. It seemed foolish, cloying, obsessive, even, but here he was, saying it in total innocence, with nothing but that adorable, self-conscious smirk on his scarred lips. And, once again, I was amazed.
I was constantly amazed at him, at the very idea that he could think about me in the same way that I thought about him. I'd never have thought the women behind my title could ever be worth so much of someone else's time and energy. It seemed so simple, obvious, but to me it was incredible. It was like looking around your own private little world, the one you didn't share with anyone, and realising that someone else had been there the entire time. And what was more, you didn't really mind.
"Yeah," I said quietly, feeling my cheeks burn with the afterglow and, now, something else, "I did know that."
Kaidan chuckled, and I joined him, folding my body closer just so his arms could reach further around me, stretching my neck up to kiss him soft and slow. He settled back against the pillows and stroked over my arm absentmindedly as he stared up at the blanket of stars above us. I just kept my eyes firmly on the dark red lines of scarring that ran up the side of my hand, and marvelled at how my skin looked in sharp contrast against his chest and his own fingers as they threaded through mine. I wondered if I'd ever stop being amazed at the idea that someone as perfect as him could ever care so much for a broken down and stitched-up thing like me. I wondered if I'd ever stop being amazed at how much I cared for him back.
Suddenly, something clicked in his head and his brows twitched together, as though he just remembered he'd left the tap running. And then he glanced down at me, his mouth curved into a smile, and he said, cryptically, "I've got something for you."
I missed the warmth of his body as he shifted over to the other side of the bed and rummaged in the bag he'd stashed there yesterday, but curiosity soon took over as I racked my brain for whatever 'something' might be. His things had slowly been moving up here from the room he was supposed to be sharing with a few others, but according to him none of them had noticed yet, or if they had then they weren't saying anything. Regulations didn't really mean shit in a situation like this. I knew for a fact that the engineers were shacking up but as long as they could keep the ship purring like a kitten I didn't care. I doubted very much that anyone would have a cross word to say if they found out about Kaidan and I, and we'd been pretty careful, all things considered.
I really hoped that the camera feed from the elevator didn't end up on the extranet, though.
He rolled back over to me and I got into a sitting position as he held out a box in his palm, dark indigo inlayed with silver. It looked fancy as hell.
"For me?" I asked plainly, just to make sure this wasn't some kind of practical joke. He nodded as though it were obvious, and, with my eyes still locked on his in what was probably unwarranted suspicion, I took the box, felt the weight of it in my hand, and found myself still baffled.
"What for?" I tried again to give some context to this whole thing, but my words were getting tied up in my mouth.
"I could say 'just because', but actually it's…" he looked sheepish, "…kind of a late birthday gift.'
"Kaidan, my birthday's in April," I said sternly, still very suspicious, "That was…almost seven months ago. I think this counts as really early, not late."
He grinned, brackets forming around his mouth, "I got it a while back, when I was on the Citadel and you were still in custody at Alliance HQ. I figured you'd be out any day, so I could give it to you then, sort of…an apology, you know? But…it took longer than I thought, and then the Reapers happened. Forgot I even had it; it was in storage with the rest of my stuff. I found it yesterday."
He didn't say that the fact that I'd been at his throat for so long meant he probably hadn't had the chance or the desire to give it to me. We were still ignoring that whole, dark episode. I looked down at the lovely little box and felt myself soften inside. Even then, he'd been thinking of me. He'd never forgotten me, just as I'd never forgotten him. I was just too stupid to know it, too caught up in my own juvenile spite to see what was right in front of me.
He'd got me a birthday present. It was seven months late, but it was still here, and I still had no idea how to react to it. The box really was lovely.
"When's—" I cut myself off from asking when his birthday was, because it definitely felt like the kind of thing I should have known, but I couldn't think of what else I could say to cover it.
Kaidan read my mind and answered me anyway.
"I knew that," I said quickly, "I was just…I mean…I was going to—"
"Just open it," he said with a little smirk at my floundering. I realised I'd been stalling, and, with Kaidan watching my face for a reaction, I flicked the box open.
My lips parted in surprise. Nestled in a sea of crushed velvet was a gemstone that looked like every swirling nebula in the galaxy rolled into one impossibly beautiful whole. The deepest blacks, the richest purples, the brightest and most alive blues and yellows…it was the most gorgeous thing I'd ever seen. I didn't know something this perfect could exist. I picked up the dark, silvery chain attached and held it up, watching as the low lights bounced around and through the jewel and revealed new planes and facets, and as I turned it in my hands the thought struck me that this must have cost an absolute fortune. No doubt the Major's pay packet was a little sweeter than mine, even with my N7 status. Money had never really been an issue for either of us, but…still. Was I really worth that much?
I racked my brains for the last time someone had got me a birthday present that wasn't a round of drinks or a night on the town. A real gift.
The only one I could remember was my twelfth birthday, when Calvern had been suspiciously kind and light. I'd already learnt by then that his moods were as changeable as the winds, and that if he was smiling at you it could mean anything from 'genuinely pleased' to 'about to have you tortured and killed'. He'd presented me with a box wrapped up extravagantly with a bow. I couldn't remember what colour it was; just that it had been my favourite colour at the time. I'd opened it with trembling fingers, not sure whether to expect a bomb or a china doll, but when I lifted the lid I'd found, to my surprise, a sleek, curved, black and silver pistol, engraved with cobalt blue and just small enough for the hands of a malnourished girl. He'd told me he'd had it specially made, just for me, said 'a little bird' had told him I liked guns. At the time all I could think was finally he was taking me seriously, finally I'd get to explore the thrill I got every time I had a gun in my hands. It had been the best birthday ever. But, looking back, it was a shocking, ugly thing to do to a child, especially a child like me. It had been the tipping point where I'd stopped being his pet and started being his weapon. It hadn't been a gift, it had been a bribe, a way to lure me in and make me trust his lies, his false promises.
I stared at the jewel in my hands, at this perfect, lovely thing I held, and I looked back to Kaidan. In his eyes I saw no scheme, no ulterior motive, just pleasure at the smile which was spreading over my face. I was still overwhelmed by the idea that this kind of affection could come without a catch. That it could be this easy.
"I…" I was lost for words, "It's beautiful."
He slid his fingers under the chain and took it from me, reaching around my neck to fasten it at the back, thumbs stroking over my skin. The gemstone draped itself in the valley between my breasts, its ethereal beauty in sharp contrast to the scar that ran up my ribcage and the tattoo healing at my side.
"Yeah, reminded me of you," he said with a half-smirk, as though he knew he was being corny as hell, 'I'm glad you like it."
"I…I do," I said, suddenly nervous for some reason, "it's…I think it's the nicest thing I own, and I own a lot of guns, so…" he chuckled, but my mind was elsewhere, and I looked up at him uncertainly, "but I…I mean it's a nice gesture, but I can't wear this anywhere. I'd lose it or break it or something. I don't really go anywhere…you know, nice."
"Then keep it for later," he shrugged, leaning back against the pillows and making himself comfortable, apparently satisfied with my reaction, "When this is all over and done with and we've got time to waste. I'll take you somewhere nice. You can wear it then."
'It'll never be over,' my mind whispered, 'you'll never be done. You wouldn't know what to do with peace even if you had it.'
I told my mind to shut the fuck up, and held back the tide of fear and cynicism by drinking in Kaidan's words.
"You mean like…" I smirked, placing the box on the side and stretching over him, the gem gliding along the skin of his chest, "a big fancy restaurant with linin tablecloths and shit?"
"Exactly," his hands moved around my ribcage – expertly missing my new ink – and drew me closer as I nestled against him, "with waiters in impractical suits and a menu full of things only very rich people would ever think of eating. We'll have earned it."
"I don't think those places are too hot on things like tattoos and shaved heads," I murmured, loving the feel of his fingers absently stroking over my arm, "I mean you could probably get in with that haircut, but if they've got a door policy I'm screwed."
I could feel him grin as he ran his fingers up to the longer stubble at the base of my skull.
"Fuck 'em," he muttered. A laugh burst out of my mouth and I suddenly felt…strangely rebellious. As though I could do literally anything so long as I still had the man below me, the one who had grown strong and defiant in the past few years. I'd never been shy, I'd never given much thought to propriety or decorum, but I'd always known the things in life that weren't for me. Being laughed at because I looked like a gang-bred mercenary trying to pass as a regular human being was one of them, so I'd always stuck to what I knew. But then, I hadn't thought this kind of thing was for me either, and here I was, nuzzling and giggling and acting like a loved-up kitten, and I never wanted it to end.
"When we save their asses," he explained, "they'll be climbing over each other to pour their finest champagne down our throats. It'll be a hell of a party."
I pouted half-heartedly, "I don't like champagne."
I'd never had champagne – not real champagne, anyway – but it didn't sound like it was for me. Too delicate.
"Fine," I could hear the smile still in his voice, and I bit my lip to stop myself from grinning, "their finest bourbon."
"Do you think we'll get medals?" I definitely liked medals – that real, physical proof that you'd done something incredible, that kind of recognition that didn't come with an ugly price, unless you counted sweating in Alliance formals for a few hours. I did.
"You know, I'm not sure there's a medal big enough," he replied, surprise in his voice as though he'd just realised something important even though I knew he was still smiling and was just going along with me for the hell of it, "They might have to invent a new one. You've already got the Star of Terra, so it'd have to be pretty impressive."
I giggled again, feeling stupid and loving it and especially loving the fact that there was no one here but him and me to see it. I let myself talk, without caring about what I was saying. That kind of freedom felt incredible. "Maybe…maybe all the species in the galaxy will take all their best medals and melt them down and create one huge medal."
Kaidan's chest shook beneath me as he laughed silently, "I'm sure we could swing that," he said, "It'd be a hell of a sight."
"Maybe I'll get my own colony," I said quickly, feeling bold, "One with a beach. I've never been to the seaside, y'know. Not properly." Stalking a dockside deal and booting a fresh corpse into a wild, black ocean didn't count, I was sure.
"Just one beach?" he complained, "Aim a little higher – it's a colony, it can be as big as you like with as many beaches as you can fit on the coast. There's a lot to choose from."
"Okay, a whole colony filled with beaches. An island. Maybe a continent." I imagined the many issues with owning an entire continent, and scaled back my post-war ambitions a little. "What about a house? I've never had a house, not a real one."
Even my mother's house had been an apartment, high in a grey building that was all angles and cracked, dirty windows. That wasn't a real home.
"Save a few more planets and you could probably get a house big enough to fit a firing range," he murmured, voice warm and pleased.
"That would be amazing," I said, my last word mingling with a yawn that relaxed every muscle in my body as I settled against him. "Could I get a fish tank too? I kind of like it. It's grown on me."
"Yes," he said after some consideration, "but only if you get some actual fish. It looks weird when it's empty."
"Fish are shit," I insisted.
"Then get some jellyfish or manta rays or something else. Having just a tank of empty water is definitely weird."
"I'll get a skylight too," I inhaled the skin of his neck and closed my eyes, the warmth filling my body, "I'm too used to looking at the stars."
"Mmm," he mumbled in agreement, nuzzling against my hair, "maybe get that instead of a garage," I felt his cheek move as he smirked, and I knew exactly what he was going to say, "If there's anyone else on this colony of yours, you probably shouldn't be driving."
I smiled in the darkness, holding my happiness to myself like a secret, a price I'd never let go of. I didn't even care that he'd insulted my flawless driving.
The room was silent, filled with nothing but the constant hum of the ship. It was in that darkness that the fear stabbed at my heart again, when I remembered all that was left to do, and all that I had to lose if we failed.
"Kaidan?" I asked quietly.
"Hmm?"
"Will you be there?"
His arms tightened around me, and even in the dark I saw the glinting of the jewel around my neck.
"Always."
Chapter 29: Haunted (II) – The second half of this super-long chapter!
