Author's Notes: Next update won't be for over a week, as I will be away. Sorry. Thanks for reviewing, and please continue!
October 19, 1996
July 28, 1997
Dear Harry,
Oh, this is awful. I feel fucking awful. I've even been crying, if you can believe that. Ha! Draco Malfoy, crying. What a disgrace. But it's true, and I feel terrible, and nothing can fix this. It's all so... bleak.
I almost killed Katie (is that even her name?) Bell. I heard that Voldemort was getting rather impatient, and my cabinet idea isn't coming along that well, so I had to think of something in the meantime. I didn't expect it to work, but I didn't expect it to nearly kill a student, either.
Oh, I feel wretched. I'm a horrible, terrible person and I'm never going to forgive myself. I'm just not made for this - I'm not a murderer. I was very scared there for a second that she had died. And now I'm scared that I'll be caught out. I've been living this whole term being fucking scared. I hate it, and I hate myself.
I sometimes find myself thinking about maybe going to Dumbledore for help, but then I'd have to actually admit to planning his death, and that my father's a Death Eater, and that I almost killed Katie, and that I'm no better than he is. And... I guess I'm scared of admitting that. I'm scared he won't help me. And... I'm scared he won't be able to help me. I mean, how can he? Voldemort will find a way to get to my family anyway.
I'm sorry I haven't written very often, but I've been busy, as you can guess. Plotting murder and all of the evil things I'm supposed to actually like doing. I've had to skip out on Quidditch, which is one of the only reasons I come to Hogwarts in the first place. The other, I'm kind of embarrassed to admit, is you.
I've just had a sudden thought - oh God - if I feel this bad nearly killing someone, what's it going to be like when I actually do murder Dumbledore? If I'm crying my eyes out now, what the hell will I be like later?
I don't want to think about that. I don't want to even admit to crying, but it's - it's just so hard. I want to die, at times. I feel so alone, and no one can help me, and there's no way out, and I'm trapped, and I'm so tired, and... and I want you to help me, but I know you can't. And that makes it harder.
Maybe things would be better off if Voldemort just killed me.
Love,
Draco
