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This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names, subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short & succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽).
Reminder: a couple members of my usual team may be missing occasionally because I've hastened my posting schedule and I'd therefore like to make it clear that any screw ups are entirely my own.
The team of greatness: cookEgawd, Blackjacklily, Detochkina and MunkeeRajah.
*double muah* to KayMarieXW
A final note for today: I apologize for having disappeared for a while—I've gotten a few tough breaks lately, and they're throwing me for a loop. I have not had much of an opportunity to drop a line to you wonderful individuals who have sent me positive reviews and great, constructive inquiries / criticism. I'm hoping things will get better very soon. On a separate vein, I apologize to the wonderful readers who had become accustomed to reviewing anonymously. A couple bad, short-sighted, small-minded and cowardly apples spoiled the bunch, and as a) the story is already written pretty much in its entirety and b) I'm not apt to take an opinion into consideration anyway if it's rudely worded, and c) I really don't need to deal with anyone projecting their bullcrap onto me right now, I've had to disable anonymous reviews for this story. I figure the majority of readers rather have me continue to post than to go away altogether because I have little-to-no-patience for idiotic grandstanding. (At least I hope that's the case).
Much love to you all,
Ubergeekness
PS: Since I didn't post last week, I'm going to bring us all the way up to chapter 30 today, so please notice the double-post.
Thanksgiving, Day 3: "No Response"
As I closed the door to Carlisle's office behind me, I tried to think of a way to say what I needed to without being disrespectful.
"Why is it that you knew about Bella's nightmares being a nightly occurrence, and I did not?"
Carlisle moved to sit on the front corner of his desk, deliberately pausing before addressing me, as if he needed time to pray for patience.
"Because Alice witnessed it, she told Esme, and my wife tells me everything she thinks I should know, but I suspect that's not what you're actually asking. Nobody told you because you aren't in any position to help her, so the only thing you might do with the information is brood over it, get angry, and wallow in guilt. Need I add that you appear to be proving me right?" He motioned me towards a chair directly in front of him.
"I'm not angry." I sat.
He shot me a disbelieving look.
"Anymore." I sighed and slumped in the chair. "I heard glimpses of your conversation yesterday."
I no longer apologized for such things. Everyone in this house understood that it was often unavoidable.
"Did anything she said help you at all?"
"I suppose I understand now that she really won't ever see us as monsters. It's still hard for me to grasp how she can be so objective about it all."
"Perhaps you don't need to understand. Must her reasoning in all things meet your standards in order to be valid?"
"Touché."
"Edward, you know that I, of all people, don't relish the idea of bringing someone into this life, but I have to ask: at what point would the circumstances be enough for you?"
"You never did it without the threat of imminent death hanging over our heads. You were able to let Esme live even though you loved her."
"Yes, I tried to let her live. She lived long enough to marry someone she didn't truly love, experience an abusive relationship, feel the pain of losing a child, then throw herself off a cliff, at which point I nearly died from the torture of not knowing whether she had enough life left in her to survive the transition. So, you see, that worked out well for all involved."
"I get your point."
I had no real argument anymore. All the relevant factors were stacked against me; it was time to resign myself to this ineluctable fate. It was time to start preparing.
"Then tell me everything I need to know."
I headed downstairs after my lesson on vampiric conversion, assuming that Bella would be back by now. I heard the shuffle of movement in the dining room, and it confirmed my assumption; Bella, Alice and Esme were back from their Black Friday shopping mission. I hoped that Bella would still be in a decent mood given that she had been rudely awakened and dragged off into the early morning, mostly against her will.
I leaned into the room and saw Alice arranging packages on the dining room table.
"Did you have fun, Alice?"
"Get out of here, Edward, none of these are wrapped yet! If you're looking for Bella, I think she's in the garage."
I left before Alice could start throwing things at me, and headed off to the smaller building that stood adjacent to the main house.
Why would she be in the garage?
As soon as I stepped through the door, I had my answer. Esme had parked her Rover in the sixth of seven spaces of our garage and it was obvious that from there Bella must have been able to spot her motorcycle, which had been parked in a far corner. She was leaning against the wall nearest the bike, arms crossed, gazing at it with a distinct and obvious yearning. I was suddenly jealous of that two-wheeled death machine.
"Bella."
"Edward."
I walked over to where she stood and mimicked her stance against the wall. I tilted my head feigning interest in the bike.
"I know, it's gorgeous, isn't it?" Her gaze never left the motorcycle.
"I wouldn't know. There's still a cover on it, in case you hadn't noticed."
She walked over and with one pull yanked the protective cover off, tossing it aside.
"That was for your benefit. I know every line of this bike."
"Please forgive me if I don't see it the same way you do. I only see a dangerous vehicle that could put my raison d'être in harm's way."
"I expected you to say something along those lines. I haven't been looking forward to this conversation."
So you've been planning on driving me insane?
"But I'm here now. Isn't that what you were using it for in the first place, trying to evoke a memory of me in your mind?"
"Yes, but I also said it was more than that. I'm a little addicted to the speed now, I must admit. I miss climbing, too, but this ... is different."
She sighed, looking at the bike like she wanted to kiss it. This was getting nothing but worse. Leaving the kickstand down, she straddled the bike and slowly stretched herself out along its body towards the windshield.
"Admit it, it's sexy."
If I ignore that death trap, what's left absolutely catches my eye.
That particular model was a bit garish for my taste. A Ducati, however, might suit my style better.
"You are sexy. The bike? You'll have to forgive me if I don't see the attraction."
She smiled but otherwise ignored my compliment.
"But you have to at least be able to sympathize, yes? I'd suspect the way I feel about my bike is the same way you feel about ... that." She nodded towards my One-77 as she stood up from the bike, walked over and leaned up against the driver-side door, then stretched her arm out along the roof, her fingers tracing its lines. It had to be the most erotic thing I'd ever seen, and I suspected she knew it. I had a point to make, so I skirted the truth as close as I could without lying.
"I appreciate its speed ... its strength. Its power."
"Riiight." She crossed her legs at the ankle and removed her arm from the roof to cross her arms as well. "If you say so."
"Bella." I walked over to her so she could see the earnestness I tried so hard to emit. "I've done everything you've asked of me. You tell me when you want to be changed, and I'll do it. I'll do anything you want, so I think I deserve a little compromise. I absolutely cannot bear the thought of you getting on that bike until I know you're a little less ... breakable."
"You didn't really agree, Edward, you acquiesced, and that's not the same thing. I hope you don't expect me to put my life on hold again until you get it together; that isn't going to happen—"
I spoke through clenched teeth. "You're not getting on that bike."
"—And you deserve a little compromise? Really? You want me to tell you how ridiculous that sounds?" Her voice became a crescendo. "Need I remind you of the various things I've deserved over the past three—"
"You're not getting on that bike!"
"I'm not—what‽" Are you seriously trying to tell me what I can and cannot do? Have you lost your rock-hard mind?"
Her heated speech had become a booming yell. I slammed my palms against the car, my own frustration rising, less controllable. I stood over her, her body pressed against the car, positioned amidst my arms. Her body jerked, startled by my sudden, forceful movement. I infused my swelling outrage into my own timbre, and my voice penetrated the room, ringing against the walls.
"Bella, please, I need you! You have to stay safe for me until I don't have to worry about your every step."
She snapped back from startled to angry. "That's the problem, Edward. I don't need you to worry about my every step." She spat the words, hands balled at her sides. "Things may have been far from perfect, but I did manage to keep myself alive without you. I didn't start breaking any bones until you moved back into the neighborhood!"
"A coincidence that ended in your favor—"
"Coincidence, my ass! She found me because she was tracking you! I didn't tell you because I didn't want you feeling guilty about it, but on second thought, maybe you should know."
I spun on my heels and punched the wall behind me. I could hear Esme think towards me.
Temper, Agapatos. Your will shall likely lose against her determination. I would never intervene, but know that your reaction isn't winning you any favors.
I took another minute to breathe, and sighed when I focused on the huge hole in the wall before me. I turned back to Bella; her respiration was accelerated, chest heaving. Her face painted with lines of distress, worry and regret. I wished with everything in me that I could hold onto her and keep her next to me twenty-four hours a day, but I knew the futility of my wish. It wouldn't stop me from trying. I had no release for my frustration, for my longing. It was not possible, nor was it right to truly possess her, but at that moment it was the only want I had in the entire world.
Bella's reaction did nothing to sooth me. She appeared to be absolutely terrified, and I had become angry at myself for my lapse in control. Her hands seized my forearms, her fingers clutched at my shirt. She was clasping, holding on as tightly as she could. She tried to pull me towards her, but I resisted the draw. I wanted more control over myself first.
Voice pained, her words escaped her mouth in a cascade. "Look, I didn't—it wasn't directly your fault, it's nothing, really, I was just trying to make it clear that I'm not a walking disaster anymore, I—I. It's not your fault, please, don't ... I'm sorry."
She's afraid I'm giving up on her; that I'll leave her, still.
Seeing her like this made me forget the entirety of my anger. I struggled for a way to get through to her, to make it clear that I would never make the same mistake again. How could I make her understand that it simply was no longer possible for me to leave her side?
"Don't apologize." Seizing her shoulders, I took her shaking form into my hands. "I'm sorry, love. Please don't be upset with me. I'm an idiot, I realize this."
I pressed my lips against hers, a fleeting, panicked measure. "I'm not going anywhere, I swear it. For any reason. No conditions this time."
It wasn't nearly enough to console her, and I could see the truth of it in every minute movement of her tensed muscles.
Giving up on getting a firm hold on my arms, she tried to wrap herself around me, her arms tightly wound around my torso, hands latched firmly across my back. I cradled her face in my hands and kissed her again. This time it was deep, long. I tried to draw her nervous energy and insecurity into me, wanting so desperately to relieve her of her fears. Our lips tangled, grappled as if we were fighting to hold onto one another. I slipped my left arm around her waist and tenderly lifted her up, and she reluctantly let my mouth go as she relaxed back onto the roof of the car.
I reached up, my right hand laced in a crown with hers. Her arched back created a gap between the hem of her shirt and the belt of her jeans, the slightest sliver of her waist bare. My lips attacked the warm, smooth surface of her skin with fervor, determined not to miss a single spot. She gasped, the intake of air next exhaling as a clear, long moan. This was dangerous; I was losing control. My teeth were toying with the band of her jeans and a silent war raged within me as I yanked, her button becoming undone. I buried my face into her skin, inhaling, hoping the fire begun there would distract me from my lechery. It was no use. She wrapped her legs around me and let loose a cry of her desire.
"Oh, god—" Another slow, tortured moan. "Edward, I need you." My ardor needed no encouragement, but I couldn't continue with it; I had to find a way to stop. There were a number of things to consider, not the least of which was the gnawing feeling that if ever we were to be together carnally, no matter the extent, I didn't want her lust to blossom from fear. I just didn't know how to stop.
I was given a half second of warning before Alice interrupted.
Need I remind you that everyone in the house can hear you two right now. It's great you're making up and all, but it would kill Bella to get teased by Emmett later, and you know it'll happen.
I heard the door to the house creak on its hinges as it was opened a crack.
"Hey guys!" Alice's voice chimed loudly, the acoustics of the large room amplifying each word.
Bella jumped up, her arms wrapping around my head and neck. I caught her and we both stilled.
"Movie night starts in ten, it's double-feature, and tonight it's Bella's pick, so you better not keep us waiting." Alice closed the door behind her.
I tried to hide the urgency in my movement as I began to stroke Bella's back, hoping to calm her.
"Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod. Did they hear any of that?" Her lips tightened into a straight line while waiting for my answer.
"I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking about it. I was a little busy and got carried away. Just so you know, Esme had soundproofing material added into the interior walls of much of the upstairs rooms, and that helps, somewhat. Obviously, no one felt the need to go to such lengths for a garage area."
Her eyes grew wide in embarrassment. Slowly, I slid her frame down until her feet were firmly upon ground. Face flushed, she bit her lip as she gained her footing and began to right her clothing. I kissed her lips again, hoping to distract her. She quickly began to kiss me back as if we were never interrupted in the first place. I pulled away gradually, and stood quietly in wait, trying to avoid looking at the beautiful creature in front of me, both because I was still trying to calm myself and because I was afraid of what she might say next. I was certain that our truncated conversation wasn't entirely over. She wiped her lips with the side of her hand, smiled, and walked towards the door. She looked back just before turning the doorknob.
"Just so we're clear, I am sincerely sorry for throwing that in your face. For the record, however, I stand firm about my motorcycle and exercising the will to ride it."
Perhaps this talk was over after all.
Why Me‽
Good god, I couldn't wait until the honeymoon period was over. This revelry over having Bella back in our lives meant that I had to deal with the obnoxiously potent smells of human food all throughout the house as well as be constantly aware of where she was in the house, lest I run into the girl and injure her or her delicate sensibilities in some way. Worst of all was that everyone deferred to her when it came to picking the films for movie night. I feared I would have to strangle her if I had to sit through any of the crappy period romances she had been a fan of in high school. Fortunately, she managed to pleasantly surprise me this time around, opting for vampire irony instead. This resulted in a double-feature lineup of "30 Days of Night" and "Bram Stoker's Dracula." Well fuckin' fancy that, I thought, slightly disappointed I could find nothing to snark over. They were perfectly watchable and appropriately hilarious offerings.
We were all sprawled out over various sofas, loveseats and chairs when she started to fall asleep. When I looked around the room I noticed everyone's attention had gravitated to her. She had sunken into a lean that caused her to end up in his lap, and Edward was far too focused on her every twitch to notice that we were staring at all. This was a good thing, because otherwise he'd never let us hear the end of it, given how often we teased him about it. I had to admit that it was strangely fascinating, watching someone drift into their subconscious state. None of us had done it in so long that we forgot what the sensation was like and could no longer fathom it. She looked incredibly peaceful, and for a short minute I realized I was a little jealous, but then I remembered the screaming we heard in the middle of last night, so maybe that subconscious thing isn't all it's cracked up to be.
While everyone else was enraptured by Bella's dream state, my attention shifted entirely on Edward. He managed to look more peaceful than she. For four years he had been acting like he had a large, long stake shoved up his ass, and when I compared that to his behavior over the past two months, the difference was as distinct as night and day.
What could he be like if they ever settled as a couple, if they really managed to find peace in each other?
I remembered what Esme said to me when she had first run into Bella. She asked me if I would deny him what the rest of us had with our mates. I couldn't say that I would. I owed him that, really. However much a pain in the ass he managed to be, he was still my brother, and my family was really the only thing that made this existence worth tolerating. We each had our individual places in this motley crew of ours, and while mine may not have been obvious to some, I knew very well what it was.
Carlisle and Esme were our figureheads, of course. Carlisle, our undisputed father and head cheerleader for the causes of humanity. Esme was our glue and always knew how to help us get along with each other. Emmett was our muscle and comic relief, Edward, our navigator. Whatever sundry situation we may have found ourselves in, he usually came up with the solution for where to go and what to do next. He was pretty good at designing the best overall plan, as long as that plan had nothing to do with Bella. With her around, he suddenly became a total nitwit. Alice was our seer and resident happy, lighthearted spirit, and Jasper was our tactician if ever we needed to fight. Me? My ruthlessness was what made me useful.
As vampires we lived in a violent world, and though we had great strength in our numbers, we still had to take great measures to secure our territory and maintain our anonymity. Most importantly, we had to protect those things while staying under the radar of those who enforce vampiric law. Carlisle was always loathe to act if action required killing. Jasper, though he rarely admitted it, was just as reluctant to take life as Carlisle was, but not nearly for the same reasons. It wasn't because he respected life as much as he desperately wanted to avoid experiencing the victim's emotional turmoil as he did the deed of killing. I, however, didn't give a flying fuck. If someone in some way planned to disturb my comfort, I was willing to do what I needed to in order to get rid of that person. If you threatened to endanger my family, I would find a way to kill you, period. My callousness was my strength, and I relished it.
So there I was, staring at Edward's rather intimate moment with Bella, when I realized that I was not doing my job. It didn't matter that I thought she was crazy, and it didn't matter that having a human around was annoying as hell. What mattered was that she made Edward happy, and she would only be able to keep doing that if she remained alive long enough to get turned. I needed to see if there was any truth behind this new vampire quandary, because she had come to me for aid, and it was my turn to help my brother find solace. I would find out if there was something else after Bella, and if so, I was going to get rid of it.
"Pins and Needles"
I was completely unaware of everything in the room that was not Bella. This was the first time I felt a complete absence of hesitancy from her; she was completely relaxed in my arms, and her face was serene in her sleep. I agonized over the inevitable— the eventuality of ending the moment. She may not have the casts and braces any longer, but I knew that it would not be good for her still-healing back to stay in this position for long. I needed to move her to her bed; a space I swore I would not encroach upon uninvited. My eyes never left her quiescent, beautiful face as I stood and carried her upstairs. She did not stir but to further bury her cheek into crook of my arm. I opened the door and obliged myself to cross the threshold, ever closer to the moment I would have to force myself to leave her side. I turned down her bed and sat on the edge so that I could shift her with as little movement as possible. I slowly placed her onto the thick layers of down.
I knew I had to be patient, there was no other option, but at that moment it had become the most impossible thing in the world to walk away from her. I gave myself one last second; I closed my eyes, inhaled, and started to peel myself up from the bed.
"Edward." Her voice was mellifluous and languid. I nearly jumped at the opportunity to spend just one more minute here with her, even if it was quick to pass.
"Sleep, love. I'll be right down the hall if you need me." I pressed my lips to her brow.
"Edward," she repeated. Now her eyes were wide open and rhapsodic. "Wait."
I waited, thirty questions on my lips, begging to be asked, but I waited.
"I found it—the poem you began to recite in my dorm room that day; I wanted to know how it ended."
I was bewildered, and the curiosity was thoroughly piqued, but I wanted her to get rest. I knew now that restful sleep was difficult for Bella to come by, and she had looked so peaceful just a few seconds ago. It hinted at the possibility of a sleep devoid of nightmares.
"You can tell me in the morning. I'll be here, I promise."
"No, listen. I wanted to know about the poem. It's about regret, isn't it?"
I kneeled next to the bed so that my face would would be close to hers.
"Yes, it is. Regret and longing for a love that could have been. When I said it I was thinking about how I felt I had placed us, placed myself, on that path. I was lost in a moment of self-pity. I didn't know that you were paying me any attention, let alone memorizing what I was saying. Please, love, it's nothing, let it go."
I kissed her again and began to withdraw, the term entirely appropriate considering how it felt to be so close to her and have to go. My fingers were on the doorknob, ready to close the door behind myself when I heard her voice call out, strong at first, then a decrescendo in the darkness.
"And then the day came,
when the risk
to remain tight
in a bud
was more painful
than the risk
it took
to blossom."
I turned to look at her.
"Stay," she said.
Incredulous, I couldn't allow myself the luxury of hope. "I'm not going anywhere, I'll only be in my room—"
"Here, Edward. Stay with me, here, in my bed. You said that you were waiting for me to give you the word. I'm giving it to you now. Stay with me."
And so I did.
