A/N: WOW! Last chapter left many of you divided into 2 camps... I was surprised! Just remember it will all be resolved in this chapter! This is the last regular chapter before 2 epilogues.. which are already written.
Love like always goes to my team of mad ladies: Itlnbrt who is a AWESOME beta and my pre-reasers: fanfichardcore, JoJo757 and CullensTwiMistress who wanted me to say she is not Team Bella in this chapter!
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.. just play with them on the rink of fanfiction! ENJOY and *sniff* what's that smell? Lemons?!
Picking up the Pieces
EPOV
Daughtry- Life After You
Last time we talked, the night that I walked
Burns like an iron in the back of my mind
I must've been high to say you and I
Weren't meant to be and just wasting my time
Oh, why did I ever doubt you?
You know I would die here without you
All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you
I walked with no real destination in mind, just aimless wondering while my mind spun in a million different directions. The cool April night air worked to sober me up and my lack of a decent jacket only helped speed things along. The campus was silent and desolate. But that made sense as it was after 1 AM. Everyone was sleeping. I should be sleeping. No, I should still be with Bella and our friends enjoying a night of drunken fun.
Instead, I was trying in vain to keep images of some nameless asshole fucking Bella out of my head. It was a never-ending mirage of slick bodies intertwined, thrusting, pounding, and rubbing. It was all too fucking much for me. My stomach ached and rolled as it threatened to empty its contents. I vacillated between anger, hurt, and jealousy.
I didn't know how I felt about everything Carmen said. I felt angry that I was just hearing about it, that Bella seemed to use her v-card as a weapon or something. I felt hurt, like I was some prize in a weird obsessive game Bella was playing. But it was the jealousy that confused me. Did I actually feel upset that someone else had the privilege of taking her virginity?
When I became numb from the cold, I somehow found myself back at the dorms. The coward in me peeked around the corner from my room to make sure Bella wasn't hanging about. I knew I couldn't avoid her forever. But I still had no clue how to deal with the pile of shit that was dropped in my lap. All I did know was that I needed to get sober and to do that I had to sleep.
When I was safely ensconced into my room, I stumbled to my bed. The warmth of the room thawed my body and sent the feeling of pins and needles throughout my body. I didn't even bother with undressing; I just fell on top of the bed and wrapped my blanket around me. My last thought was to wonder why I had tears leaking from my eyes.
The next morning dawned bright and sunny, but my entire being felt used and abused. My mouth tasted as if I had eaten cat litter, a circus of tiny midgets were cracking my skull with sledgehammers, my eyes felt as if they were made of plastic, and my heart was heavy and hurting. Wanting to limit the amount of time I spent outside my room in case I ran into Bella before I was ready to see her, I only left to take a shower because I smelled like a stale bottle of booze.
After I felt clean on the outside, I raided Diego's stash of food for breakfast. With the necessities done, all that was left was to decide what to do with all that went down the night before. Trouble was I knew I was ill equipped to deal with it. I needed someone on the outside to give me a perspective I was lacking. So I texted the one person I could count on.
Really need to Skype. You around? E
Yeah, see you in a few. J
Powering down my phone, I had my laptop open and ready to go. Luckily I didn't have too long of a wait until his familiar face filled my screen.
"Wow, you look like shit, Edward. What's wrong?" Jasper's voice allowed a small sliver of calm to wash over me. His voice was filled with concern and in his typical style he cut right to the chase.
I scrubbed my face, took several deep breaths, and then launched into the whole sordid tale. Jasper listened intently, never interrupting unless he needed something clarified. When I was done, I felt tears welling up in my eyes and I blinked furiously to keep them from falling.
"I feel all fucked in the head, Jazz. It's like I don't even know Bella, ya know?" I sighed as I laid my head back and closed my eyes.
There was silence on the other side of the screen and when it all became too much I cracked an eye open and saw him watching me intently.
"What?"
"Let's break it down, okay?" He paused to get my consent so I nodded.
"So the roommate blurted out that Bella lost her v-card to some dude just so when you guys hooked up she would be 'ready' for you?" I cracked a smile when he did the quotations with his fingers.
"That's the gist of it all. Doesn't that sound fucked up?"
When he didn't immediately respond, I grew wary.
"Hmm, depends on how you look at it." He raised his eyebrows at me as if he was waiting for me to interject. But I held back. This was why I called him, to get an outside view on this whole crazy mess.
"One could look at this and feel flattered. Here is girl who is so into you she loses her v-card to have epic sex from the start." He shrugged his shoulders at that statement like it was completely normal.
I didn't agree. "I think it sounds a bit too crazy for me. I mean just cuz you do that, doesn't mean epic sex is guaranteed."
Jasper nodded his head in agreement, but then got a sly look on his face. "But we know that you did get epic sex." He winked. I had to finally cave and spill the beans about the locker room sex to explain the whole v-card thing. "Did you ever stop to think about or realize after that happened that Bella wasn't a virgin?
I paused and tried to think back. It surprised me when I realized that it never occurred to me. "No, not really. I guess I was more focused on the fact that she was there, we had sex, and she wanted to be my girlfriend. It was like Christmas and my birthday rolled into one."
"Even when she told you afterwards that she had liked you for over a year? You still didn't draw a connection?"
Again, I shook my head.
"What about when you found the 'book' and she told you that you were the first person to make her feel aroused, that didn't raise red flags?"
I closed my eyes and thought back to that night so many months ago.
"I was a bit freaked," I replied with my eyes still closed. I could picture the look of horror and shame on Bella's face. Then I attributed her reaction to one of embarrassment for finding the book, but now I was suspicious. Was she worried that I would figure it all out?
"For a brief moment I worried that she was as crazy as the hockey whores. But the way she explained it, it turned to flattery. All I could think of was that she had done all this for me." I took a deep breath, the confession on the tip of my tongue. "I guess all I could think about was how much she was into me. When I found out that I was the first one to make her feel aroused, it stroked my ego."
Jasper's laugh told me he understood how I felt. But then I remembered a small flicker I had back then, like there was a missing connection, but I was too focused on the book.
"You are either thinking hard or getting ready to take a shit. If it's the latter, I'm disconnecting this call."
I shook my head. "No, I was just thinking back to that night. I remember feeling as if I was missing a piece of the puzzle, like something she said didn't add up. I couldn't figure it out, so I dropped it. Now I know it's the fact that she wasn't a virgin when we hooked up even though she admitted to being one when she first saw me play."
I had been looking at a point beyond my computer, but I focused on Jasper's earnest face. "The pieces were all there, Jazz. I was just too blind to see them." Panic and anxiousness flooded my body and I fought to keep calm.
"Maybe you just didn't want to see them. But let's not talk about that right now. I'm still wondering why what you heard bothered you so much. While we can contribute some of it to being drunk and not in a good headspace, there's something more. So what's really bothering you?"
Leave it to Jazz to cut straight to the bullshit. I tried to place the exact reason that it bothered me. But it eluded me. I was certain he could see the panic written all over my face.
"Okay, let's just take a step back. You knew she wasn't a virgin that first night. Didn't she ever ask you about your past?'
"No, she told me she heard from the girls all about me and Bree. It was an unwritten rule we never talked about her. We were just so wrapped up in being together and everything, it never seemed important."
"So it never occurred to either of you to have the 'ex' talk."
I only shook my head.
"You never wondered about Bella's history? For all you knew she could have been the slut of Jacksonville." While my head knew what he meant, my heart wasn't playing games.
"Back off, Jasper. That's not Bella."
"But how could you be sure? You never had the talk. She didn't grow up with us, we don't know her history." He was pressing my buttons and was lucky he was thousands of miles away from me.
"I know her. She wasn't a slut. She isn't! You didn't get to know her like I did. She's sweet, kind, tender, and even a bit shy. She was and is nothing like those skanks. So, drop the fucking subject, Jasper. Are we clear?" My fists were clenching and releasing with such vigor, I felt my nails cutting into my palm.
Jasper held up his hands in surrender. "Okay, I'll back off. Can I ask one more thing?" His eyes were apologetic, so I nodded my consent. "Did some part of you think she was a virgin?"
His question floored me. I had never really given it conscious thought. My mind was either filled with hockey or wondering what was up with Bella. But when I dug deeper, I thought back to how I viewed Bella. I loved her sweetness and gentleness. There was a naturalness that shined from deep inside her. It was in that moment some part of me knew she wasn't a virgin.
"I think on some level, yeah, I knew."
"Do you think you're upset it wasn't you?" His question seemed to come from left field, but deep down, it wasn't too far from the mark.
"Maybe? I just don't know Jazz. Part of me feels like I don't know Bella. The Bella I knew wouldn't be so callous or flippant about something like sex." I sighed.
Jazz was silent as he thought about what he wanted to say. When he did speak, it wasn't what I expected. "You placed her on a pedestal and in your eyes she stumbled from that lofty place."
"Fuck, Jazz, you sound like a shrink. Enjoying your psych classes a little too much?" His only response was to laugh.
"Maybe. Look, it's okay to feel how you're feeling. You can be sad, angry, and even a little disappointed. But I think you're missing one important piece of the puzzle." He paused and I just had to ask.
"What?"
"No matter what happened, it happened before you were a couple. She was free to do what she wanted, when she wanted."
The truth of his words stung. "I know and it sucks."
He nodded his head in agreement. "So what are you going to do now?"
"I'm not sure, but you gave me lots to think about. Thanks man, I needed this." I gave him a grateful smile.
"Anytime. For what it's worth, Bella is a great girl. She gets you. No one is perfect, no matter how they seem in our eyes. If we love them, we accept them even when the blinders come off."
With a few words of goodbye, my screen went black. I fell back onto my bed and stared at the ceiling. My talk with Jasper gave me much to ponder. The first was I knew I was wrong to storm out of Bella's room like that. I was certain she was worried and upset. But before I spoke to her, I needed to wrap my mind around everything that was spinning in my head.
Even though the hockey season was over and I no longer needed to run, I found myself gearing up for one. With music blaring in my ears, I took off down the stairs, using it as a warm-up of sorts. When the cool spring air hit, I started a gentle pace. I concentrated on my form and the rhythm of my feet pounding the sidewalk. When I knew my muscles were loose, I increased my pace.
The thoughts I had in my head moved and jumbled around, trying to find a reason in all the madness. I think what Jasper said about me placing Bella on a pedestal was right. So, when the time came for me to see she was nothing more than an imperfect person, I couldn't handle it.
But I couldn't shake the idea that I wished it was me who had taken her virginity. Which I found to be funny, seeing as it didn't bother me until I heard how she lost it. But the real crux of the matter was that it did happen; it happened before we became an "us", and there was not much I could do about it.
Well, there was something. I could either accept Bella, past and all, or make a big stink out of something neither one of us can change and ruin our relationship. I loved Bella too much make option number two a reality. But I couldn't face her until I had my shit sorted.
So that is what I did as I ran. I went through my thoughts, explored how I felt, and by the end I was calmer. I realized that Bella had a life before I came around. Maybe if things had worked out differently, I would have been gifted her v-card. But I wasn't and she had the right to do with it as she wanted. There was no sense being upset or angry with her or the situation. It was how it was and I needed to accept it.
Just then a perfect song played over my iPod, as I sang along with Paolo Nutini all I could think about was how much I really wanted to rewind the last twenty-four hours.
When I got back to my room and freshly showered, I powered my phone back up and saw Bella's simple text. Seeing that she was still ready to reach out to me, even with the horrible way I treated her, it warmed my heart.
I sent a simple response back.
Whenever you want. E
Her reply came fast.
Now? B
Sure. Come up. Diego is gone we can have privacy. E
On my way. B
I felt lighter and freer just knowing that we were going to put this all behind us. I just wanted things back to the way they were: calm and peaceful.
A few minutes later, I heard Bella's timid knock. When I opened the door, I could see how hard the past day had been on her. She looked tired, worried, and a bit fearful. She was gnawing on her lip and from the look of it, she had been doing it for quite some time.
We stared at each other like we didn't know what to do or say.
"Can I come in?" she finally asked, breaking our silent staring.
"Oh, yeah come in." I stepped back and watched as she hesitantly walked to the middle of the room and just stopped. She looked around and the uncertainty I saw nearly broke my heart. I worried that I had truly fucked things up.
"Umm…" We both started at the same time and then smiled at each other.
"Please, let me go first, Edward." The way she begged tugged at my gut. I could tell it meant so much to her to say what she wanted. I motioned for her to continue and she began to pace and wring her hands.
I sat on my bed to give her space and time to gather her thoughts. Several times, she tried to open her mouth to speak, but then scrunched up her face and then closed her mouth. She looked adorable and I longed to tell her, I just wasn't sure if this was the right time.
When several more agonizing moments had passed and I was ready to tell her I could care less what happened in her past, she started to speak.
"There was a time when I believed the universe was against us." She laughed mirthlessly. "It was the end of our junior year and I finally had the courage to make a move for you. I thought you were giving me signals that you wanted to be more than friends. I felt good about it even though I was freaking the fuck out." She looked up at me and I smiled, not sure if she wanted me to say anything.
Seeing whatever she needed in my eyes, she continued, "But then one day my dad said I had to go to see my mom for three weeks. I was pissed, because that wasn't what I wanted. For whatever reason, those last few weeks at school, I thought you were pulling away and by the time I was on the plane, I was convinced we would never be."
She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. I sensed whatever was going to be said was going to be harder for her say then for me to hear.
"Carmen had it all wrong," she whispered. I looked at her perplexed.
"What?"
"I decided that I needed to come to grips with the fact that we were only going to be friends. It was so bad that I had convinced myself that I wasn't even your type. Florida was going to be the place where I figured out how to let go of the desire. It never worked. I thought of you constantly."
"I'm confused," I told her. I was; I had no idea where she was going with this.
"I didn't sleep with someone to get me ready for you. Instead I did something worse; I slept with someone because he showed me attention." Tears fell down her cheeks. "I was in a bad place and we got to talking and told him I was missing someone back home." She wiped her face and sat down on the floor where she curled into a ball.
"He threw some corny, cheesy lines at me, told me I was beautiful." She stopped her tale and erupted into body heaving sobs.
I couldn't stand there and watch her cry. I walked to where she was sitting and wrapped my arms around her. I could sense where the story was headed. She made a stupid, impulsive choice based off some sleazy dude who was only looking to get laid.
"Baby, it's okay-"
"No, it's not! Carmen had it wrong. Now you think I'm some slut. It wasn't like that." She was clutching onto my shirt like it was her lifeline.
I cupped her face, "I get it. You made a poor choice. It doesn't matter, Bella. That is your past and I want to focus on the future. A future that I hope you're in with me." I stared deep into her eyes as I spoke so she could see the truth of them.
"I love you Bella. That's all that counts." I leaned closer to her, our lips just a hairsbreadth apart. "I love you, Isabella Swan, anything other than that isn't important." Our lips met in a sweet kiss. It was an affirmation that we were going to be just fine.
BPOV
Muse- Endlessly
There's a part of me you'll never know
The only thing I'll never show
Hopelessly I'll love you endlessly
Hopelessly I'll give you everything
But I won't give you up
I won't let you down
And I won't leave you falling
If the moment ever comes
It's plain to see it's trying to speak
Cherished dreams forever asleep
Hopelessly I'll love you endlessly
Hopelessly I'll give you everything
But I won't give you up
I won't let you down
And I won't leave you falling
If the moment ever comes
There was a small part of me that hated I was bending the truth of what happened between Jason and I. But there was an even bigger part that knew with absolute conviction Edward wouldn't have been able to handle the truth. He would have looked at me differently and I would have lost him. So, if I had to do this to keep him, then I would.
When we kissed, I could see how it would have played out had I come to Edward a virgin. He would have been gentle, sweet, and attentive. He would have cherished the gift of my virginity. The guilt I felt over Jason was more because I cheated Edward out of what should have belonged to him.
But I chose a different path and I was okay with it. Our relationship started out with passion and raw intensity that I wasn't sure we could have achieved any other way. So while I felt guilty, I looked at the bigger picture and I liked what I saw. Even if I had to sell a bit of my soul to get it.
When Edward pulled away, I could see love shining in his eyes and it warmed my heart. I wanted to show Edward just how much I loved and needed him.
"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I wished I would have waited for you. I love you so much, Edward Cullen. So fucking much it hurts."
His answering smile was all I needed to know that I had made the right choices. I crashed my lips to his and kissed him hard. My hands wound in his hair as I pulled him closer. I wanted to feel him surrounding me. His hands threaded through my hair and held me tight to him.
I molded my body to his as I began to pull his shirt free from his pants. I needed to feel his skin. "Want to feel you, please." I wasn't above begging.
My words must have sparked something because we both were a flurry of motion as we ripped off each other's clothes. When we stood there naked before each other, chests heaving, time slowed. I began to trace the lines of his chest, feeling the way his heart raced beneath my fingers. I moved down over his nipples and when I lightly scraped my nails over them, I watched the shiver race through his body. Lower I went till I felt his abs rippling under the pads of my fingers.
His cock was hard and twitched with every motion of my hands. My thumbs traced his hips and then slowly trailed down the V of his pelvis. His cock bobbed and moved as if beckoning me to it. Edward stood still under my ministrations. His hands were fisted at his sides and his chest moved rapidly with the force of his pants.
"Beautiful," I whispered. Without a thought, I sank to my knees. My hands traced a path from his ankles to his sculpted calves. Edward's head fell back and his body vibrated with restrained desire. I squeezed his knees before I continued upward. His thighs were corded with muscles and I felt the power in them. I kneaded them with my hands and above me Edward groaned.
I looked up at him to see his eyes were dark and blazed with intense desire. Without looking away from his gaze, I grasped his cock by the base. Edward hissed and then it morphed into a moan when I started to stroke up his length. When I reached the tip, my thumb swiped where I felt the moisture that had beaded up. Edward gathered my hair into his hands and I knew what he wanted.
I wrapped my lips around the tip of him and swirled my tongue around the head.
"Fuck, Bella, yes," he hissed out. I placed my hands on his ass and pushed him deeper. He needed no further encouragement and he began to flex his hips driving him deeper into my mouth. I sucked with varying pressures and ran my tongue over his head whenever I could. I felt Edward's desperation as he moved faster and deeper.
"So good, feels so good," he mumbled. I hummed around him and his ground out curse told me he enjoyed that. I loved the sensation of him thrusting wildly, his inhibitions gone as he gave into the moment.
When his movements turned erratic, I knew he was close. I increased my humming and started to scrape my teeth along his length. That must have been all he needed as I felt him swell before the salty blast of his come hit the back of my throat. I swallowed it all down and when he pulled out, I swiped my tongue over his cock one last time.
When I opened my eyes, there was Edward panting and looking satisfied. I felt pride in knowing I could make him lose control. His hands massaged my scalp with strong sure movements and I couldn't help but lean into him and nuzzle his manly scent.
"Come here," he whispered and pulled me up. He pulled me closer, his sparkling eyes locked onto mine. His hands trailed from my head, down my neck where one cupped the nape and the other caressed my cheek.
He rained kisses across my forehead, down the slope of my nose, softly on my closed lids, and sweetly on the apple of my cheeks. He nipped at my lower lip and chin before licking and kissing the skin of my neck. He found the sweet spot behind my ear and felt him suck as his hands wondered to my shoulders. He swept down the column of my neck to the hollow of my collarbone. Wherever his hands went, his mouth followed.
My body erupted in goose bumps with every kiss, suck, and lick. I couldn't contain the moans that flew from my mouth. My legs trembled with the force to hold my body up. Sensing my distress, he picked me up and walked the few steps to his bed. Once he laid me down, he continued his exploration of my body as I had done his.
Thumbs swiped over the tips of my breast, causing the peaks to stiffen. But when the warmth of his mouth suckled them deep, they became impossibly harder. I arched against him, offering him my body to feast upon. My hands roamed over the expanse of his back, feeling muscles as they moved and flexed.
His lips led away from my breast, but his hands remained plucking and kneading them. My pussy pulsed in the same rhythm as his hands and I moved restlessly looking for friction of any kind.
"Edward, please, I need you."
I heard and felt his dark chuckle against my stomach. "I know sweetheart." His tongue swirled in my belly button and I shrieked as that tickled. Lower he went and just when I was about to weep in joy that he was almost to my clit; he detoured and kissed his way from one hip to another. His hands had left my tits at last and held my hips tight to the bed.
With his shoulders he pushed my thighs open wide. My hands clutched at the bed sheets when I felt the first stream of air he blew over my pussy.
"Ohh, more, please …" I shifted my hips which caused him to hold me down harder. "Edward," I whined without shame.
His nose bumped my clit and I hissed out, "Yes, please!"
Without warning, Edward dived into my pussy. His tongue and lips were everywhere at once. He flicked my clit, only to feel him licking me from top to bottom, as his teeth nibbled my lower lips. When his fingers slammed into me, I heard the wet sucking noises and shamelessly spread my legs wider silently begging him for more.
His fingers pumped into me as his lips wrapped around my swollen clit and sucked hard. My orgasm hit out of nowhere. My head snapped back as my body convulsed with each wave and pulse from my pussy. I felt as it echoed throughout my body like ripples on the water. Edward never slowed his movements as he finger fucked me hard while his tongue lashed on my clit. I felt the wetness pour out of me and pool under my ass cheeks.
Wordless grunts spilled from my mouth as I rode each wave of my orgasm. It seemed never-ending and was prolonged by Edward's playing of my body. When I at last slumped back onto the bed, Edward pulled his fingers out of me. In a hazy fog, I watched as he licked his fingers clean.
I needed to feel the weight of his body on mine and pulled him down. We kissed with languid abandonment. This time there was no desperation. Instead, it was replaced with utter devotion. When he shifted and then slid into me, there was no rush, just a sense of completion. Our hands twined together as he pumped into me, eyes locked on each other.
We whispered words of love and forever against our sweat soaked skin. It was in that moment that I felt reborn in his love and strength. Gone was the girl who needed to do what it took to get and keep her man. She was replaced by one who finally understood that wasn't needed. She had her man, just as he had her. When we finally succumbed to one final orgasm, I finally felt as if I belonged with Edward. The lack of faith I had in our love was gone. Now I was certain in our feelings and with that faith our love blossomed.
I had found my home and it was with Edward.
A/N: Yea.. yea.. she lied... let me explain why! 1) She was convinved Edward wouldn't want to be with her if he knew the truth (she had no way of knowing that he was going to be ok with it) 2) Remember the prologue.. she stated there was one thing he didn't know the whole truth about.. and that was Jason. When she lied.. Edward believed her.. 3) No human or relationship is perfect.. at 18... who hasn't lied to keep someone.. I know I have!
Soo.. I can't wait to hear what you have to say... I know there will me lots that are not Team Bella.. and I'm okay with that. Soo... please.. let me know what your thinking...
Until next week with Epi#1.. *mwah* WVG
