Lies

Joker sat in the cockpit, mentally kicking his own ass. If there was a competition for who could go from hero to chump in the shortest amount of time, he would have taken the blue ribbon today.

Things had started out so well. From the very beginning, he'd had his suspicions about the Collector ship. It'd been obvious that there was no way that a turian patrol could have disabled a ship of that size. When EDI had run the scan and determined that it was the same vessel that had been on Horizon, he'd indulged his hunch and had her check it against the signature of the ship that had destroyed the Normandy. The result had caused icy fingers of fear to crawl up his spine. The whole thing had smelled as rotten as krogan feet.

"I'm not losing another Normandy!" The recollection of speaking those words aloud caused Joker to cringe in shame. When the Collector vessel had begun powering up and the weapons systems had started coming back online, he'd been worried about losing something, but it hadn't been the damned ship. Yet, when he'd opened his mouth to warn Shepard, that had been the sentiment that had spilled out - the equivalent of verbal vomit.

"Hi."

Joker jumped, startled. He'd been so lost in self-recrimination that he hadn't heard Shepard's approach. She bussed his cheek, a quick brush of her lips against his beard, and then sank wearily into the copilot's seat. He knew that she'd had another blowout with the Illusive Man upon her return to the ship, for all the good that it had done. Her already strained relationship with the boss was now just a notch or two above hostile.

"Hey," Joker replied. "Listen, Shepard, about today…"

"Oh, yeah, good catch on ID'ing the ship. Heads-up work," Shepard said around her hand, stifling a yawn as she slid into a lazy slouch. "God, it feels good to sit down. It's not easy to sprint in fifty pounds of armor," she griped, good-naturedly. "I'm getting too old for this shit."

Joker regarded her, skeptically. Was she really unperturbed by his callous remarks? "Thanks. But that wasn't what I wanted to talk about."

Shepard turned her head towards him, eyebrows rising in curiosity, "Okay. Hit me."

Her expression was so open and unguarded that Joker had to look away. Gazing out the windshield, he said, "I feel like an asshole for what I implied today - that I would leave you and the team behind to save the Normandy. I hope you know that I would never do that. Not after you came back for me. And especially not now that we're, you know…" He cleared his throat. "I would never," he repeated, vehemently.

"Jeff," Shepard said, softly, and he cautiously slid his eyes in her direction. "Of course I know that. How many times have you ridden...or, more precisely, flown...to my rescue? Do you think that I really believed that you were going to abandon us?" Shepard chuckled. "I figured you were doing the pilot's version of a drill sergeant's motivational speech. 'Listen up, you slugs! Hustle it up or I'll leave your sorry asses behind!'" she growled in her best chain-smoker rasp, expression contorted into a mask of stern disapproval.

Joker shook his head, not willing to absolve himself so easily, even in the face of her easy humor. "I just…once we got the match on the signatures, and the ship started to activate, it was all too deja-fucking-vu." And I freaked out, thinking about losing you to them. Again.

But the words never reached his lips. It wasn't so much that he was afraid to tell her the truth. It was more that speaking the words out loud felt too much like tempting fate; like admitting that the worst thing he could imagine might actually happen.

Shepard regarded him silently for a long time, her gaze affectionate. Finally, she rose, and leaned over his chair. "I know," she whispered, a slight smile blossoming on her lips even as she touched them to his in a soft, lingering kiss.

And in that moment, Joker realized that she'd understood what he'd been unable to say all along.

"I'm going to bed," Shepard remarked as she departed, her hand trailing across his shoulder invitingly. "Wake me when you come in, okay?"

"Yes, ma'am," Joker replied with a relieved grin, his guilt rapidly dissipating as he turned back to the controls. He felt like a massive weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

There were lies you spoke out loud, and lies you told with silence.

Luckily, when someone knew you well enough, they didn't believe either one.